App: Tinder

Name: Ethan*

Date Location: Portsmouth Gaslight Company – Portsmouth, NH

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Always good food and a good time

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

As soon as we matched on Tinder, Ethan just seemed so fucking fun. He was very high energy and it didn’t take long for him to ask me out. Only problem was I was busy af so it was going to be a minute until we could see each other.

He kept up with texting me and all that in the week leading up and conversation over text was good. Nothing too spicy, always asked how my day was, and we would dick around here and there. As we got closer to the date it did seem like he was legitimately planning something so that was nice.

Going in, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. He looked shorter in his pics but he did look cute. (He also did look a touch fratty but it was confirmed that he did not do the Greek life back in the day.) He was definitely into sports and shit so that’s always a toss up. Was he a bro or did he just like bro things?

He beat me to the restaurant and I was pleasantly surprised that when he stood up he was taller than me. Ka. Chow. He was also cuter in person. He had really big eyes, dark hair, and some full lips that I thoroughly planned on making out with later.

Conversation overall was decent. There were a few silences but nothing all that concerning. He seemed to have a decent head on his shoulders. He worked full time as a landscaper and had a good relationship with his mom. All in all not bad.

I was just so excited he fed me that when he asked if I wanted to keep hanging and get a drink on the water I was dumbfounded. WTF is this? A guy wanting to take me out like a person? Weird. But that’s on my NYC trauma.

We just kept chatting away and when we finished he still wanted to hang out so we walked to a park that was on the water. We stood at the water’s edge and I kept making the eyes. There would be small breaks in conversation and I was just WAITING for him to make the move. I suggested we park our asses on the bench behind us and he immediately put his arm around me. Good, good. This is progress.

Within moments we kissed and it was fucking good. Like full make out for minutes straight off that first move. If we weren’t in a public park, things definitely would have happened. I may have given an over the pants hand job and he definitely got all up in my chest. Wasn’t mad.

He did ask me to go home with him which I declined and he was cool about. Tbh, that just made him hotter since he passed the Gobstopper Test. We spent the rest of the night chatting, making out, and trying to avoid anyone seeing us sucking major face.

We covered quite the ground between make outs. To start, our strip club experiences. Then we went into art and how we like to buy when we travel. Then it came out that I wear gps tracking jewelry when I go out in case shit goes haywire and I need to let my friends know. And we rounded it out with if he’s an ass or tits guy to which he responded, “Tits are AIDS”.

It was late and he walked me back to my car holding my hand the whole way. I then fucking embarrassed myself because it took me an oddly long time to find my damn car. Once we found it we made out more and I was on my way. To my surprise, he texted me that night saying he had fun and then asked to see me again. Not too shabby.