Encounter #54.1: Coast Guard

App: Bumble

Name: Jesse*

Date Location: Crema & The Ashford – Jersey City

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – I fucking love this coffee shop. It’s adorable as shit plus the owner is almost always there so everyone is on point.

4.0 Stars – Cool date spot. The decor makes it feel a little sexy with the velvet wallpaper, happy hour is good, beautiful rooftop, and has a gay bar attached.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Jesse wasn’t normally my type but, he was a winner of “How Hot Can I Bag”. He was about 30, in the coast guard, and lived in the neighborhood next to my office. This could work.

What stood out to me was how straight forward he was. We had been chatting back and forth over the weekend on Bumble and then he asked for my number. Since he was driving, he gave me a call. In my youth, this would have pissed the shit out of me but he let this joke go so it all worked out.

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We talked on the phone for about 2/3 hours and conversation was pretty easy. We were both laid back people with the most vulgar vocabulary so the jokes were flowing. He grew up military so he had lived all over the place but what stood out was how much he loved Boston. He apparently memorized my whole profile, knew my hometown, and said a major reason why he swiped right was because I was a New Englander. Never in my life had it benefited me this much to be from the north east.

He was also very candid. We talked about past relationships and without much prying he told me that he had been single for about a year, was previously engaged, and that it was a long distance relationship. Because of this relationship, he stopped drinking. Also something that normally would bother me but, for whatever reason I wasn’t phased. He seemed to know his own limits and had it handled. We made plans to see each other the next night.

Jesse wasn’t into the bar scene. Not just because of his sobriety but he just was weirded out by the whole online dating thing and would rather grab coffee and walk around. We met at a cafe by my office to start off the night. He looked a lot like his photos, maybe a bit more rough around the edges though. I knew he was also pretty crass but let’s just say you could tell he worked on boats based on how he spoke and carried himself.

Conversation was okay, not as good as it was the night before. I became hyper aware of this and started making jokes to fill the silence. Apparently, I went too far. I had made a joke about crying in the shower and another about getting hit by a bus to pay off my student loans which then led him to keep asking me if I was okay. Yes, bitch. I just think self deprecation is hilarious and I’m nervous GAH.

We finished our coffee and went for a walk around the neighborhood. I could tell he definitely wanted to touch me but for whatever reason, he didn’t throughout the whole walk. I figured I had said too much weird shit but then he asked me if we wanted to go somewhere else and get something to eat. WELL SHIT.

Despite him being crass, he was respectful. When we got to the car he opened the door for me and when we parked he came around to my side to walk with me which I found sweet. As we walked to the bar he started to get a bit more physical with me. If there was a puddle he’d pull me to the side or pull me back in if I was about to step into the crosswalk too soon. Just oddly sweet, gentlemanly stuff.

We sat next to each other at the table and wouldn’t shut the fuck up long enough for the waitress to get our order. Things were finally moving in the right direction. Or at least I thought.

Over time, he started touching my leg, stroking my arm, and then finally it happened. We kissed. And it was pretty solid. He held my face and had his fingers all in my hair. Right amount of tongue. And when we stopped we had that moment of eye contact when you both think OH FUCK YEAH and then do it again.

Despite this solid kiss, I apparently wasn’t as open as I thought because he said, “You come off pretty icy. I can definitely tell that you’re a huge softie on the inside but it feels like you have a wall up”. Well that was some fucking news to me.

Later, I had made some comment about how I was surprised he was still out with me. He was a fucking 10 and I am…well I am my weird ass, trashy, self. He took it a bit the wrong way and started going in on how I was so beautiful, funny, and all this other shit. Listen, I don’t need someone to build me up. I was just saying that he was hot AF. That’s it.

Somehow, things seemed to be fine. He drove me home and on the way we kept playing each other songs we had on repeat. Apparently mine were sad…wtf.

He parked and as I got out I couldn’t figure out how to lock the door. I made some joke about trying to find the clit and he made some comment about how whatever I was saying/doing was working on him. Boom. Success.

At the door we made out a bit and he was pushing to get upstairs. I declined. TBH I wanted to say yes but my room was a mess and I wasn’t feeling all too fresh if you catch my drift. He left a bit abruptly after that and I told him to text me when he got home.

On his way home he sent me a song he thought I’d like. I quickly listened to parts of it and thought nothing of it. The next day, I didn’t hear from him. I took another look at the song and more or less, it’s about a woman who loves a man but eventually gives up because his walls are too high and he’s too depressed. COOL. Message received. I’m an icy bitch.

I remembered that he had his medical clearance test that week so a few days later I asked how it went. Apparently it was a fiasco but he didn’t really say much about it. 24 hours passed and I figured FUCK IT. I’d shoot my shot and I asked what he was doing that weekend. No answer. Cool, I guess I did come off a certain way.

I licked my wounds, kept going, and then I got a phone call.

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Encounter #53.1: The Fivehead

App: Hinge

Name: Noah*

Date Location: The Ashford – Jersey City

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Cool date spot. The decor makes it feel a little sexy with the velvet wallpaper, happy hour is good, beautiful rooftop, and has a gay bar attached.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Things with Noah seemed promising. From what I remember, the chat to text transition went pretty well and it didn’t take long until we made plans.

We originally planned to go to Taqueria but it was packed. So after meeting me there and seeing the line, we decided to check out another place in the area. Just in the 8 minute walk over I was skeptical. I saw him text someone within 2 minutes of us walking and he wasn’t too talkative even though he was A FUCKING RECRUITER. Like come on, isn’t small talk your thing?

We got our table and of course, this is the night this place has shit service. I had been there dozens of times with no issue, but on this night with this awkward date it had to happen.

We made awkward small talk for at least 15 minutes while we waited for someone to get our drink order. TBH I just kept staring at how big his forehead was. Like damn, you could have parked a plane on that thing.

After the beer hit our systems things got marginally better. I still felt like I was grilling him though. The entire time we were together, I think he may have asked me a total of four questions. Fucking four. We waited for the check and it was clear that neither one of us was feeling it and we waited in silence for the bulk of the time.

Noah walked me to the train which was nice although highly unnecessary given how uninterested both of us were. We hugged, I went on my way, and drunkenly hit up my fuck buddy. All in a day’s work.

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Encounter #52.1: Tennis Guy

App: The League

Name: Gareth*

Date Location: Lucky 7 Tavern – Jersey City

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Definitely a dive bar but has a really cool feel. Lots of band posters and stickers all along the walls and a solid ass happy hour menu.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

I had downloaded The League (AKA the most pretentious ass dating app in all the land) around the time of the break up. It’s tough to match and no one ever sends messages so I was surprised that Gareth even sent me a message.

He seemed like a fun guy. Conversation was easy over text and as it turned out he lived in the building attached to the one I nanny in. All about convenient fuckery. He worked in finance but definitely wasn’t one those those douchey bros in the Patagonia vests.

I agreed to a date and we checked out a dive bar that neither one of us had gone to before. He was waiting for me outside and I was a bit disappointed. He was cute but was more petite than expected. Another one that I could have benched. Fuck it, I was already there. May as well see what happens.

Conversation with him was as easy in person as it was over text. He not only gave decent answers but he also asked decent questions. WHAT A CONCEPT. He had an interesting background. He went abroad for his graduate degree and while he was there played professional tennis for a bit. Casual. He also offered to split an app so I was a happy clam. Imma get dirty on some popcorn chicken.

We had been drinking for a few hours and it was time for me to go home. Gareth walked me to the train and we made loose plans to see each other again. We kissed, nothing too crazy and texted a bit over the days following but nothing ever came from it. To be honest, I was fine with it. I had a great time but, physically speaking it just wasn’t there for me and I was afraid I would have led him on. Back to the drawing board.

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