Situation #10.1: The Magician

Name: Mack*

What Happened:

Little known fact about me. I LOVE magic (not The Gathering. The bunny out of a hat kind). Like a lot. I feel like it’s one of the few times you get to experience that feeling of childhood wonder at any age and I can never figure out how the tricks are done. I had previously dated a guy who could do the BS close up magic and I would shit myself in excitement every time.

For my day job, we were hosting an event and hired a magician. No joke, this was my best day ever. Not only did I get to eat and drink for free before, the show had drag queens, one of the drag queens did all these songs I used to cover, AND THERE WAS A FUCKING MAGICIAN WHO WAS CUTE.

Even though it was my best day, no one else seemed as excited. The theatre could seat 200+ and there were maybe 30 attendees. Intimate AF show. He called for a volunteer, I shot my hand up, and he called me up. I can’t explain what happened next but I started crying because I was so happy. Then he asked me who my favorite magician was and I blurted, “ANDREW J. PINARD. HE’S FANTASTIC AND USED TO WORK AT NEWICK’S.” (Newick’s was a seafood restaurant in NH my family went to. The closest one to us closed 15+ years ago. I have seen him perform since and it is fucking magical!)

Mack did the trick and my mind was fucking blown. How did he guess my card? How did he slide my card up through a drawing of a card deck? Why doesn’t the paper have a slit? HOLY SHIT.

He signed the paper he drew on and I went back to my seat. After the show, my friend told me that she went to school with him and that I should hit him up since she thought he was single. I brushed it off.

Well, I got drunk a week later and thought FUCK IT. I followed him on Instagram. It didn’t take long for him to follow me back and he liked a photo from New Years Eve. It was fucking May. I got drunk again a week later and slid into his DMs.

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Well shit! We kept messaging back and forth and he mentioned that he didn’t receive our annual publication. I put one in an envelope with a post-it saying “Enjoy!” and sent his way. I got a little ballsy and messaged him to go out for drinks some time as well.

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He messaged me when he got the mail and gave me shit for my note because I “could be cuter”. I wrote a quick thank you note and sent it over.

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Things got more and more flirtatious.

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He apparently creeped my ass pretty hard. He saw all my old ventriloquism photos. Then things got even saucier.

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But then he would ghost and randomly come back from the dead.

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Then he’d message me again, get saucy, and cut out.

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I didn’t hear from him for weeks. Then he zombied back.

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DOUBLE MESSAGE? Interesting. I did notice a pattern though. It was almost always a Friday/Saturday night. At least one, if not both of us would be traveling. And, he always left the conversation hanging.  I did some creeping. He had been dating this girl for a long ass time and there was no clear indicator that they broke up. My friend was friends with him on Facebook and said he wasn’t in a relationship. Here’s the thing. I found her Instagram. It was private but her profile photo was a pic of the 2 of them. CURIOUS.

I had started seeing someone regularly so it didn’t feel right to respond anymore. That didn’t go over so well.

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He’s not the only one who can disappear.

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Situation #2.3: The EMT Zombie

Name: Gary*

What Happened:

After our last conversation, I couldn’t help but want to stir the pot. After all, this fucker said he wanted to get a beer to reminisce about how we met. Fine. I got drunk the night before Thanksgiving and made my shot.

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Just going to glaze over that? K.

He asked for my Snapchat info and we chatted on and off for the rest of the week. Pretty much, he would only talk to me when he was working. One day, there was a tiny ass earthquake on the east coast. He Snapped me to see if I was okay and needed medical attention. I let him know that I was good and he did the thing again!

He said that if I was in need to let him know, he wanted to see me, blah blah. As it turned out he was headed to Pennsylvania in February and asked if he could crash on my couch on the way down. KAYYYY.

I agreed. TBD on if he ends up visiting let alone staying on the couch.

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Situation #2.2: The EMT Zombie

Name: Gary*

What Happened:

I thought Gary and I were done. We had our brief chat in August and aside from likes on Instagram, I had no contact with him.

Mother fucker got me again! I had just came back to my apartment from a date and checked my instagram. He slid into the DMs with “Hey hows life”.

Fuck it, I’m in NY, he’s hot, this is weird. LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS. We made small talk and talked about work. He started a new gig and moved a few towns over. Then he goes in with, “We need to grab a beer someday. We can laugh about how we met haha”. Interesting. 

He then said,

“It was a great story me and my buddies laughed our asses off about that whole call to be honest. Did I ever tell you that I wasn’t supposed to be in the back? I was supposed to drive…Well on the way there my partner offered to tech since I was the paramedic and had already done a few but if you remember I show up for a very attractive girl sitting there half laughing half pouting and you look up and were like ‘hey you’re cute’ and I smiled and said ‘Well you’re very cute yourself’ and my partner just said to me ‘Yeah, I take it you’re teching this one, huh’ haha.”

We bantered a bit and he went on with,

“haha hey you are def one of my favorite patients ever haha. I mean how many times do I get to put a beautiful girl in my ambulance? Not very often I promise”

Between chats I decided to creep up on him. As it turned out, he was at a Halloween party I was supposed to go to in NH. I had no idea how he knew my friends but such a fucking small world. I also saw that he had a photo shoot with his baby (adorable) but then there was picture from the shoot of him kissing some girl. AWK SAUCE. No idea what the status on that was but I found it interesting.

As usual, I responded to his last message and POOF. Gone again.

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