Situation #3.4: The Wedding Date

Name: David*

What Happened:

Because I’m a moron I kept talking to David even after what he said. 2 days after the conversation he called me again and thanked me for listening. We talked about our usual things and he talked about coming to visit. (Key there is talked about, didn’t actually make plans).

I called him the next week in a margarita induced state to tell him I was coming down to DC that weekend. I didn’t expect him to change plans for me but fuck it, tequila made me do it. He was supposed to go to a party the same night I’d be there but he also said he didn’t want to go so we’d play it by ear.

I didn’t end up seeing him in DC. I did receive 4 drunk dials and a text saying to, “Plz call me back”. I drunkenly called him back while I was in line at McDonald’s and tbh I have no fucking clue what he was saying because he was slurring so hard. My McFlurry was ready so I hung up (#Priorities) but he called me back about an hour later. All I could make out was that he was extremely drunk, was sorry he didn’t see me, and was upset about something.

He called me again Monday night (kinda buzzed) and told me what happened. My phone kept cutting out but from what I could hear the girl he liked got back together with his friend and he had to see them at the party he was at. He then decided to get absolutely smashed and since he didn’t want to be there, drove home. Not his finest moment.

He apologized again for not being able to see me and the day after we talked he texted me asking what I was doing in a few weeks. I didn’t have anything booked for that weekend so he asked me to come down to Maryland because his friends were heading out west. I agreed but I don’t have a car so he’d have to pick my ass up from the bus station and be my ride for the weekend. I’m 90% sure he thought I meant drive from NJ so I clarified that I could get to Maryland fine but that was as far as I could make it. He didn’t respond.

After a week of some stalker behavior (he followed me on Twitter and looked at my LinkedIn without adding me), he drunk dialed me at 2am on Saturday. I called him back. He didn’t respond.


Situation #3.2: The Wedding Date

Name: David*

Location: Johansson’s – Westminster, MD

What Happened:

I hadn’t heard from David since the wedding until, by weird coincidence, I was going to Maryland that coming weekend. He hit me up on Facebook and congratulated me on a competition I was in a month prior. We chatted for a little while and I let him know I was coming down to Maryland in a few days. He invited me to go to a beer fest with him and a few of his frat brothers. I was planning on going to DC with my friend so I just let him know that we’d play it by ear.

My friend and I finished in DC earlier than we expected and she agreed to drive up to where David was at because she’s the best and supports my skanky self. We met David and his friend at a bar and it was very clear that David was trashed. Like the kind of trashed where you can’t really keep your eyes open.

We had a drink in the upstairs part of the bar and tbh I was mostly talking to his friend since David was not quite with the program. We headed to the downstairs bar for the next round and David sits next to me. He clarifies for himself that I’m:

  1. From NH
  2. Went to school in Maryland
  3. Live in NJ
  4. But work in NYC

Big things happening, guys. He held my hand, started asking how often I make it down to Maryland, and how far Maryland is from where I live. What made this kinda awkward was that the four of us were sitting on one side of the bar with a bunch of his frat brothers on the other side so it felt like we were in a fish tank. David kept trying to kiss me (I mean I kissed him back but this kid had some trouble with aiming) and stroked my back. My friend and I had plans back in Baltimore so it was time to go. David did his best attempt at a kiss and I headed out.

About 10 minutes into the drive back to Baltimore, I got a call from David:

Hey, I wish you didn’t have to go. I’d go to Fells with you tonight but I am in no place to drive…Thank you so much for coming out though…I’m joking but not really, you need to invite me up to New Jersey in the next two weeks…I wish you didn’t live in NJ. If we were in the same state I’d be all over you but that’s how it usually is. The guy is into the girl but she’s not into it…I wish you didn’t have to go. You should come back…I should go back to my friends now. Talk to you later

WELL HOT DAMN A BOY LIKES ME. We texted the rest of the weekend and he called me that Monday night which I wasn’t expecting. He also found me on Instagram and liked nearly all my posts. Apparently he creeped the shit out of my profile. When we were talking on the phone he mentioned that in one of my photos I was at a Red Sox game but tagged it “#GoSox #OrioleMagic” and it’s not possible for someone to be both a Sox AND Orioles fan.

Almost weekly we had at least one phone conversation but if I’m guessing correctly, one of us was buzzed if not drunk on each call. Except one…


Situation #3.1: The Wedding Date

Name: David*

Location: Friend’s wedding in Maryland

What Happened:

When being invited to a wedding there are 2 strategies:

  1. Find a boy to go with you
  2. Take one of your girls so you can get some action

Went for Option 2 and brought my girl Katey. Before even heading to the wedding, Katey asked what my intentions for the wedding were. I said to make out with hot boys and dance my ass off. That mission was accomplished.

We get to the ceremony and I remember looking across the way and seeing a group of cute guys. Target acquired: just needed an opportunity to strike. During cocktail hour the stage was set. It started getting windy and I was helping someone clear a few tables in the corner. I started combining glasses of champagne and then I hear, “Oh, those aren’t going to waste are they?” I look up and there are the cute boys from earlier. I hand the glasses over, say to double fist, and we clinked glasses.

When the dance floor opened you know Katey and I headed on over. We were breaking that shit downnn. And then the boys came over. Out of the group, there were 2/3 really hot ones. Like 9s. Weddings are cool. They bring out the feels in everyone…as does copious amounts of beer.

One guy in particular, David, made his move. We danced and kept getting closer. It got to the point that the bride came up to me and said, “Those are some of my husband’s closest friends. They’re all great guys. Have fun tonight!” Oh, we did. Within a few songs we were making out, he was grabbing my ass, and kissing my neck.

We walked around holding hands and kept making out. However, something happened. I eat very clean normally. I didn’t that weekend. So while we were outside I let out the most ripe fart of my life. David turned to me and starts saying how it smells really bad outside and we should go in because it smells so bad. …I said nothing.

Despite my party foul we kept dancing, making out, and then the reception was wrapping up. Katey and I were going to head out for donuts and go home but David and his friend asked for a ride to the casino for the after party. It was on the way so we drove their drunk asses back. David found me on Facebook in the car and pointed out the fact that I look hot in my profile pic but it looks nothing like me in person. COOL.

Aside from that, I thought he was really cute and it’s not often I find a man who can keep up on the dance floor. So I messaged him, we talked for a day or so, and that was it. Well, until September.