Date Location: Portsmouth Gaslight Company – Portsmouth, NH
Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Always good food and a good time
Date Duration: 6 hours
As soon as we matched on Tinder, Ethan just seemed so fucking fun. He was very high energy and it didn’t take long for him to ask me out. Only problem was I was going to be on vacation for a week so it was going to be a minute until we could see each other.
He kept up with texting me and all that in the week leading up and conversation over text was good. Nothing too spicy, always asked how my day was, and we would dick around here and there. As we got closer to the date it did seem like he was legitimately planning something so that was nice.
Going in, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. He looked shorter in his pics but he did look cute. (He also did look a touch fratty but it was confirmed that he did not do the Greek life back in the day.) He was definitely into sports and shit so that’s always a toss up. Was he a bro or did he just like bro things?
He beat me to the restaurant and I was pleasantly surprised that when he stood up he was taller than me. Ka. Chow. He was also cuter in person. He had really big eyes, dark hair, and some full lips that I thoroughly planned on making out with later.
Conversation overall was decent. There were a few silences but nothing all that concerning. He seemed to have a decent head on his shoulders. He worked full time as a landscaper and had a good relationship with his mom. All in all not bad.
I was just so excited he fed me that when he asked if I wanted to keep hanging and get a drink on the water I was dumbfounded. WTF is this? A guy wanting to take me out like a person? Weird. But that’s on my NYC trauma.
We just kept chatting away and when we finished he still wanted to hang out so we walked to a park that was on the water. We stood at the water’s edge and I kept making the eyes. There would be small breaks in conversation and I was just WAITING for him to make the move. I suggested we park our asses on the bench behind us and he immediately put his arm around me. Good, good. This is progress.
Within moments we kissed and it was fucking good. Like full make out for minutes straight off that first move. If we weren’t in a public park, things definitely would have happened. I may have given an over the pants hand job and he definitely got all up in my chest. Wasn’t mad.
He did ask me to go home with him which I declined and he was cool about. Tbh, that just made him hotter since he passed the Gobstopper Test. We spent the rest of the night chatting, making out, and trying to avoid anyone seeing us sucking major face.
We covered quite the ground between make outs. To start, our strip club experiences. Then we went into art and how we like to buy when we travel. Then it came out that I wear gps tracking jewelry when I go out in case shit goes haywire and I need to let my friends know. And we rounded it out with if he’s an ass or tits guy to which he responded, “Tits are AIDS”.
It was late and he walked me back to my car holding my hand the whole way. I then fucking embarrassed myself because it took me an oddly long time to find my damn car. Once we found it we made out more and I was on my way. To my surprise, he texted me that night saying he had fun and then asked to see me again. Not too shabby.
Context: I mention looking for decent bagels in my bio
Date Location: Dovetail – Charlestown, MA
Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Drinks were great. Food was tasty. Would 1000% go back.
Date Duration: 6 hours
Kurt appeared to be cute in his profile and was someone who not only could keep a conversation going on the app but, he kept it interesting. He asked unique questions and it seemed like he truly wanted to get a sense of who I was, my values, and what I was looking for. Not bad.
He gave me a date and place to meet and when I saw the menu I was pretty excited. I don’t normally drive down to Boston during the week but for that menu, I could make an exception. He beat me to the restaurant and as I approached him it looked like he put some real effort into his appearance that day. My dude had a fitted button down, nice pants, whole thing.
Overall Kurt was really kind. He grew up with a single mom and very much respected women because of that. He had an interesting history and it was clear he really had to bust his ass to get where he is now. He used to do video editing for a local college back in Denver but with COVID had to shift gears and decided to join the Navy.
Despite that, there was just something off. I didn’t know if he was just an awkward person or if it was because he was from the midwest but it just wasn’t working for me. He also had an interesting dating history in that he didn’t have any whatsoever and he did tell me that he was a virgin. Nothing wrong with that but, just not something I am looking to jump into.
He walked me to my car at the end of the night and we hugged good bye. Because he was so nice I felt like I should text him rather than ghost. I said my piece, let him down easy, and that was the end of that.
Date Location: The Hidden Pig – Haverhill, MA
Location Review: 4.0 Stars – The dry rub wings? Fucking magic.
Date Duration: 6 hours
I was dead inside. Peter was there. He offered to take me out for food. I said yes. I met him at his place and we had some time to kill before our reservation. So we ended up making out very aggressively, me blowing him, and him finishing on my chest…I had been there 10 minutes.
After some clean up, we drove over to the restaurant together. Despite us having different values, he was extremely easy to talk to. There was never any awkward silence and genuinely, I did enjoy talking to him so dinner went fine.
When we got back to his place we cuddled up on the couch and watched some Netflix. I did notice though that he’d ask for my opinion and then completely disregard it. He asked me what I wanted to watch and before we settled on Netflix I saw a tile for South Park. That was shot down. We got to Netflix and he asked me again and I saw something that looked good. That was also shot down. Bro, why bother even asking me my opinion if you’re just going to do whatever the fuck you want anyways?
We settled on Sex/Life and watched a few episodes. Then he asked me if I wanted to continue what we were doing earlier upstairs. Fuck it.
It was uhhh not great. At first things were fine. He was doing stuff to me but the issue was that it lasted about 2 minutes. We were upstairs maybe 5 minutes and he already reached for a condom. I asked for more and he just kinda rubbed my clit for a sec and that was it. We started fucking and it just wasn’t all that great because quite frankly it was entirely about him and his ego. Since he blew a massive load earlier, he wasn’t having luck finishing so he asked if I’d lick his balls again.
Hoping that last time was a fluke, I agreed. A few minutes in it started. “You like deez nuts?”. I dried up instantly. There was a moment when I was down there that I thought to myself, “Laura, if you end up dating and marrying this guy you’ll have to hear this for the rest of your life” and I couldn’t do it. It took everything in me not to bust out laughing.
I left not too long after and decided that that was the end of this run. I will say, for someone who claimed to be such a gentleman this fucker didn’t text me the day after we had sex. Actually he didn’t text me for a week until he asked at 8pm if I’d come over to Netflix and chill. Hard. Pass.