Encounter #62.1: Lake Lovin

App: The League

Name: Ian*

Date Location: Lake access point – Laconia, NH

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 1.5 hours

What Happened:

What initially drew me to Ian was that he was also from New Hampshire. Throughout all my time in NJ/NYC I had only matched with one other guy from NH and it didn’t go anywhere. I was getting really done with NYC guys and I was craving a piece of home.

He also picked up on the NH connection and we exchanged numbers pretty quickly. Only thing was that Coronavirus had just become a thing so that was a buzz kill. However, we were both quarantining in NH.

For the first few weeks of quarantine, we would text over the weekend to try to hang out but it would never work out and then we’d just repeat the cycle the next week. After completing our 2-week quarantines and having schedules that matched, we made moves to hang out.

He lived up by the lake region and his parents’ house was only a block from the water. He sent me the GooglePin and I drove up to the access point.

On paper, this seemed like a good idea. We were outside, the lake looked beautiful and we had both packed alcohol. Problem was it was windy AF and kind of cloudy so it was fucking freezing.

Ian was a smart one and packed a blanket so we sat next to each other huddled up underneath. We chatted for a bit and it was fine. He worked in real estate and was raking in mad money. So much that he was not eligible for the $1200 stimulus check, could shell out $3000+ on rent, and flew everywhere. For real, this kid went international on like 7 bachelor parties in the past year and said he dropped at least $3000 every trip. Meanwhile, I eat food that has been in my fridge a questionable amount of time just to avoid buying something.

Ian didn’t have much to say. The only noteworthy thing was his worst date. Basically he met up with this girl and the texting was great but she didn’t deliver in person. She also ordered the most expensive things on the menu. What got him though was that he looked down at her leg and apparently her calves were hairless but her thighs had thick, dark hair and that was what did it for him. Weird. Overall, he was nice enough but there were so many long pauses. I didn’t feel like I was carrying the team but, I did feel that I was too out there for him.

After about an hour I really had to pee and we realized there was no bathroom. As much as I don’t think Ian would have cared if I peed in the woods, it was just too damn windy to risk it. He walked me back up to my car and I was very surprised that he went in for the kiss. Pretty sure I owe that to him not seeing a girl in weeks but fuck it, I needed it too. It was quick but wasn’t bad. Given everything going on we couldn’t really make out.

I sped to a supermarket and had the most religious piss of my life. Like wow. What dreams are made of. What a time.

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Encounter #52.1: Tennis Guy

App: The League

Name: Gareth*

Date Location: Lucky 7 Tavern – Jersey City

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Definitely a dive bar but has a really cool feel. Lots of band posters and stickers all along the walls and a solid ass happy hour menu.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

I had downloaded The League (AKA the most pretentious ass dating app in all the land) around the time of the break up. It’s tough to match and no one ever sends messages so I was surprised that Gareth even started a conversation.

He seemed like a fun guy. Conversation was easy over text and as it turned out he lived in the building attached to the one I nanny in. All about convenient fuckery. He worked in finance but definitely wasn’t one those those douchey bros in the Patagonia vests.

I agreed to a date and we checked out a dive bar that neither one of us had gone to before. He was waiting for me outside and I was a bit disappointed. He was cute but was more petite than expected. Another one that I could have benched. Fuck it, I was already there. May as well see what happens.

Conversation with him was as easy in person as it was over text. He not only gave decent answers but he also asked decent questions. WHAT A CONCEPT. He had an interesting background. He went abroad for his graduate degree and while he was there played professional tennis for a bit. Casual. He also offered to split an app so I was a happy clam. Imma get dirty on some popcorn chicken.

We had been drinking for a few hours and it was time for me to go home. Gareth walked me to the train and we made loose plans to see each other again. We kissed, nothing too crazy and texted a bit over the days following but nothing ever came from it. To be honest, I was fine with it. I had a great time but, physically speaking it just wasn’t there for me and I was afraid I would have led him on. Back to the drawing board.

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Update: Back on my bullshit

Hot Girl Summer ended? Time for Thotumn. Ship, Hinge, Bumble, The League, and Tinder. It’s going to be a fucking ride but this time, we’re wearing seatbelts.

So I present to you my 10 Commandments of Dating. I mean they’ll probably go out the window when I’m drunk and desperate but a bitch gotta try.

  1. Projects cannot becometh relationships
  2. If thou art not feeling it, fucking leaveth
  3. If ‘t be true thy date sucks balls, kisseth not that gent to saveth the courtship
  4. If ‘t be true thou art not excit’d to go out with that gent, fucking cancel
  5. Nay to sex on the second date
  6. Thy gent wilt has’t a savings account
  7. A sir at each moment sayeth what that gent means. Twisteth not to heareth what thee wanteth
  8. If ‘t be true thee cannot standeth his family, fucking runneth
  9. Thee cannot beest his sugar mama
  10. Thy gent wilt maketh thee cum

Here goes fucking nothing.

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