Situation #10.1: The Magician

Name: Mack*

What Happened:

Little known fact about me. I LOVE magic (not The Gathering. The bunny out of a hat kind). Like a lot. I feel like it’s one of the few times you get to experience that feeling of childhood wonder at any age and I can never figure out how the tricks are done. I had previously dated a guy who could do the BS close up magic and I would shit myself in excitement every time.

For my day job, we were hosting an event and hired a magician. No joke, this was my best day ever. Not only did I get to eat and drink for free before, the show had drag queens, one of the drag queens did all these songs I used to cover, AND THERE WAS A FUCKING MAGICIAN WHO WAS CUTE.

Even though it was my best day, no one else seemed as excited. The theatre could seat 200+ and there were maybe 30 attendees. Intimate AF show. He called for a volunteer, I shot my hand up, and he called me up. I can’t explain what happened next but I started crying because I was so happy. Then he asked me who my favorite magician was and I blurted, “ANDREW J. PINARD. HE’S FANTASTIC AND USED TO WORK AT NEWICK’S.” (Newick’s was a seafood restaurant in NH my family went to. The closest one to us closed 15+ years ago. I have seen him perform since and it is fucking magical!)

Mack did the trick and my mind was fucking blown. How did he guess my card? How did he slide my card up through a drawing of a card deck? Why doesn’t the paper have a slit? HOLY SHIT.

He signed the paper he drew on and I went back to my seat. After the show, my friend told me that she went to school with him and that I should hit him up since she thought he was single. I brushed it off.

Well, I got drunk a week later and thought FUCK IT. I followed him on Instagram. It didn’t take long for him to follow me back and he liked a photo from New Years Eve. It was fucking May. I got drunk again a week later and slid into his DMs.

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Well shit! We kept messaging back and forth and he mentioned that he didn’t receive our annual publication. I put one in an envelope with a post-it saying “Enjoy!” and sent his way. I got a little ballsy and messaged him to go out for drinks some time as well.

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He messaged me when he got the mail and gave me shit for my note because I “could be cuter”. I wrote a quick thank you note and sent it over.

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Things got more and more flirtatious.

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He apparently creeped my ass pretty hard. He saw all my old ventriloquism photos. Then things got even saucier.

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But then he would ghost and randomly come back from the dead.

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Then he’d message me again, get saucy, and cut out.

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I didn’t hear from him for weeks. Then he zombied back.

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DOUBLE MESSAGE? Interesting. I did notice a pattern though. It was almost always a Friday/Saturday night. At least one, if not both of us would be traveling. And, he always left the conversation hanging.  I did some creeping. He had been dating this girl for a long ass time and there was no clear indicator that they broke up. My friend was friends with him on Facebook and said he wasn’t in a relationship. Here’s the thing. I found her Instagram. It was private but her profile photo was a pic of the 2 of them. CURIOUS.

I had started seeing someone regularly so it didn’t feel right to respond anymore. That didn’t go over so well.

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He’s not the only one who can disappear.

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Situation #7.1: Male Model

What Happened:

A few months back I had taken a waitress job at the bar near my apartment. Truthfully, the place is almost always dead and the people who come in are regulars.

After not having a table for almost 90 minutes, this younger guy walked in asking about happy hour and he became my one and only table for the next few hours.

I brought him his drinks and he started talking to me out of nowhere. Normally, I wouldn’t engage unless it was one of my regulars but there was no one there and I had nothing better to do.

He went on and on about how he was a male model and just had a show earlier that day. …he showed me video footage (barf). This fucker was such a pain in the ass. He tried to make it seem like he knew everything about everything. That the bar should have a sign outside with the happy hour deal (not entirely wrong) but he came in and asked. He came up with the solution.

We chatted and I made a comment about “back in my day.” He asked me how old he looked and I guessed something like 22. He said he looked so good because of all the facials and massages he gets and I should really drop $100 sometime and do it. None of that is wrong, I probably should. But stop promoting yourself while talking to me. It wasn’t like, “Oh facials are so great. You’d love it!” It was more, “I do this thing. I am so great. You should do what I do.”

This led to a conversation about our birthdays. And damn it, we were a day apart. He invited me to his stupid ass party which would be at some bougie ass club in the city. If he wasn’t a douche, fine. But I don’t have time to stroke this fucker’s ego.

He also kept giving me the view count on the video he posted on Instagram and trying to get me to plug his Denim Day event on my real job’s social media. As he puts it, he “loves to give back.” Child, you are wearing a ripped jean jacket. Calm down. Then he said to follow him on Instagram. Fine, it would help me write this post. But he followed that with, “And if you could comment on some of my posts that would be great so they get some play. I don’t respond to them but for you, I will.” OH. MY GOD. This isn’t real.

People started coming into the bar which, thankfully, pulled me away from him. I had one of my favorite regulars so when it died back down, I spent time with him. He knew of a possible job opportunity for me so I was all ears. Then this fucking model kept interrupting with his stupid ass Instagram updates. “Oh, since I posted that I’ve gotten 15 emails. I already booked another job.” CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS.

I had to start closing down which left the model and my regular in the dining room. I don’t know what was said during this time but I overheard the model say, “I should have a beautiful woman on my arm. Why don’t I have one?” (BECAUSE YOU’RE A DOUCHE) And my regular said later on, “You’re ridiculous!” because this guy was bragging about how much he made last year. The model was so annoying, the regular ordered another shot and left.

Model boy later asked if I was single. I saw right through him. It wasn’t that he asked it point blank. He was trying to build me up like a salesman. “Oh are you seeing someone right now? You have to have someone you’re talking to. There’s really no one trying to get with you? I’m so surprised.” No. No one likes me. Catch up, boy! (And work on your delivery).

The model finally decided to leave about 15 minutes before my shift was up. He said, “There’s a reason I met you today of all days.” And went on about how he wasn’t going to walk in the bar but he did, he has all these opportunities since entering, and since our birthdays were so close it was meant to be. He asked for my number and I gave it only because he also mentioned he’d be in the next week and I didn’t want to create that awkward moment. Figured I’d leave him on read while I made a few dollars off him.

He never texted me. Instead, he slid into my DMs.

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Never heard from again.

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Situation #2.3: The EMT Zombie

Name: Gary*

What Happened:

After our last conversation, I couldn’t help but want to stir the pot. After all, this fucker said he wanted to get a beer to reminisce about how we met. Fine. I got drunk the night before Thanksgiving and made my shot.

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Just going to glaze over that? K.

He asked for my Snapchat info and we chatted on and off for the rest of the week. Pretty much, he would only talk to me when he was working. One day, there was a tiny ass earthquake on the east coast. He Snapped me to see if I was okay and needed medical attention. I let him know that I was good and he did the thing again!

He said that if I was in need to let him know, he wanted to see me, blah blah. As it turned out he was headed to Pennsylvania in February and asked if he could crash on my couch on the way down. KAYYYY.

I agreed. TBD on if he ends up visiting let alone staying on the couch.

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Situation #5.1: This Escalated Quickly

Name: Grant*

App: Tinder

What Happened:

I had forgotten to turn off my Tinder card when travelling to Maryland. When I got back to NJ I was swiping away and unknowingly matched with Grant from the Baltimore area. We chatted, he said where he lived, and I stopped responding. No harm, no foul.

About one month later he messaged me out of the blue and tried to get me to meet him in Philly. WTF. I don’t know you. That being said I was in a weird place and was seeking attention so when he asked for my number I gave it. We texted the rest of the day and by dinner time I realized I was being stupid, was using him, and needed to stop.

Since we hadn’t gone out, I didn’t think it was a big deal to ghost him. We literally talked for less than 24 hours. So I Nagasaki’ed him by unmatching him on Tinder and blocking his number.

Here’s the thing. When you have iMessage hooked up to a Mac and they also have iMessage, you still get the messages on the computer even if you block them on your phone. (You have to block the Apple ID in case you’re wondering). And then one day I found this slew of shit.

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BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE.

A month later I get a DM on Instagram

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OH. MY. GOD.

Really? We got “disconnected”? Bitch, you know I unmatched you and have actively been ignoring you. Don’t play coy with the “suggested user” bullshit. You’re being a creeper who won’t let go of something that never panned out. Baltimore is a big place, you’ll find someone there. Why are you wasting your time and effort with a bitch who lives in NJ? Let it go, bruh. BLOCKED.

…BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE.

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You’re. Fucking. Kidding Me.

24 hours after the initial message on Instagram AND blocking him on the platform, I get this shit. Men say women are crazy. Oh, no. Men are just as nuts. Please explain to me why stalking me 2 MONTHS LATER is a good use of your time. If I didn’t respond then there’s no reason for me to now.

After that, I sent a message along the lines of:

In case I have not made myself abundantly clear by unmatching with you on tinder, ignoring your texts, and blocking you on instagram; I do not want a relationship with you nor do I want contact with you. Do not contact me again or I will be forced to seek legal counsel.

I wasn’t fucking around. After that was sent, I blocked him on Facebook and began locking up my social media accounts. All he needed was my phone number and he found all my shit.

A part of me wonders if I should have just texted him that day and said, “Listen you’re great but we’re wasting each other’s time since we’re 4 hours apart”. But I really didn’t think a 12-hour conversation really warranted that much and I’m not telling someone they’re great if I haven’t verified it. It’s not like we talked about anything deep and had some beautiful connection over text. (And people say women are clingy…)

If there is one lesson to be learned from this it’s to be selective about who gets your number.

1. Don’t give it if you’re not feeling it

2. If possible, only give it after you meet in person and can make a full opinion

Men can be creepers and unfortunately the world we live in doesn’t always reprimand them for it. Be safe out there!

Note: Let it be known that this was going to be an Honorable Mention but he upgraded his ass to Situation real quick

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Situation #2.2: The EMT Zombie

Name: Gary*

What Happened:

I thought Gary and I were done. We had our brief chat in August and aside from likes on Instagram, I had no contact with him.

Mother fucker got me again! I had just came back to my apartment from a date and checked my instagram. He slid into the DMs with “Hey hows life”.

Fuck it, I’m in NY, he’s hot, this is weird. LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS. We made small talk and talked about work. He started a new gig and moved a few towns over. Then he goes in with, “We need to grab a beer someday. We can laugh about how we met haha”. Interesting. 

He then said,

“It was a great story me and my buddies laughed our asses off about that whole call to be honest. Did I ever tell you that I wasn’t supposed to be in the back? I was supposed to drive…Well on the way there my partner offered to tech since I was the paramedic and had already done a few but if you remember I show up for a very attractive girl sitting there half laughing half pouting and you look up and were like ‘hey you’re cute’ and I smiled and said ‘Well you’re very cute yourself’ and my partner just said to me ‘Yeah, I take it you’re teching this one, huh’ haha.”

We bantered a bit and he went on with,

“haha hey you are def one of my favorite patients ever haha. I mean how many times do I get to put a beautiful girl in my ambulance? Not very often I promise”

Between chats I decided to creep up on him. As it turned out, he was at a Halloween party I was supposed to go to in NH. I had no idea how he knew my friends but such a fucking small world. I also saw that he had a photo shoot with his baby (adorable) but then there was picture from the shoot of him kissing some girl. AWK SAUCE. No idea what the status on that was but I found it interesting.

As usual, I responded to his last message and POOF. Gone again.

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