The Coworker: UPDATE

Name: Elijah*

Recap:

Elijah and I worked together several years ago and I kind of always thought there was something between us but I figured I was wrong. Plus, even if there was something, I was seriously dating someone at the time and our company was not about its employees getting together.

This year, he was in NYC and we had possibly the best date I had ever been on. He was so nice, I was so comfortable with him, and it ended it a solid ass kiss. Only thing was that he lived far away.

Update:

Despite the distance between us, Elijah still messaged me pretty consistently after our date and would get pretty flirty. I asked what he was up to one day and he said he had the day off and was on the beach. I responded with something along the lines of, “Oh, living the dream!” He countered with, “Not quite, the dream is to have you next to me.” WOAH. Damn. Alright.

About a month or so after his visit, I met up with my old boss (who happened to be best friends with Elijah when we all worked together.) We were catching up when he started with,

“So I heard you had a visitor…”

“Yeah, Elijah was in the city last month and we caught up. It was nice.”

“Oh I am sure he treated you sooooo nicely.”

“Yeah? I guess? …WHAT DO YOU KNOW?”

I gave the quick and dirty of what happened and then my boss said, “I don’t know if I should be telling you this but he has had the biggest crush on you. He would ask me all the time if he could just take you out on a date and I had to keep telling him no since you worked for me. I told him that y’all can hang out and be friends then after graduation he could do whatever.”

O.M.G. Wow. Holy shit. This blew my fucking mind. Like yes, I kinda always thought he had a crush on me but I also looked very different then, really didn’t give a fuck since I already had a boyfriend, and made no effort since said boyfriend lived far away. I was literally at my grossest and Elijah was that into me.

So many things started making sense. It wasn’t just that we would get food all the time. It was how he looked at me from across the table. It was how he would always stop by when I was working to “see my boss”. It was how he would check on me after a rough night at work. It was how he would text me over holiday breaks just to see how I was doing. It was how he was so happy to have taken a photo with me at our year end dinner. I was right all along.

A part of me felt like I had missed an opportunity from way back when. What would that date have looked like? Would we have lasted awhile? Would either of us have moved after? But, as much as I wonder I know I wouldn’t have wanted it at the time. I was so in love with my boyfriend and clearly my boss wouldn’t have let it happen. But sometimes when it’s late, I had a bad day, and I’m alone, I go to bed thinking “I WAS FUCKING RIGHT. YOU GOT A MAN AT YOUR UGLIEST. YOU GO LAURA.” And I wake up with the biggest smile.

Situation #9.1: Fleet Week 2K18

What Happened:

Fleet Week is a magical week in NYC where sailors, marines, and coast guardsmen come into the city and we all get some military ass.

My Fleet Week started slow to say the least. I was sick that Friday night so couldn’t go out until Saturday. While I was sick at home, I swiped through Tinder like a fucking mad woman. I had not had decent action in awhile and truly I wasn’t entirely opposed to a one night stand with a guy who hadn’t seen a woman in months. I matched with this guy who was incredibly out of my league and was only in the city for the weekend. We exchanged numbers and decided that we would try to meet up at the same bar over the weekend.

Saturday night my friend and I went out in the city and found ourselves at Hair of the Dog. It was ratched AF. We were watching the basketball game and during breaks would look around to see where the crowd was at. About an hour in we saw them. Sailors. But we were not the only ones. Within seconds girls were all over them, wearing their hats, and trying to get pics for instagram. Upon further review, not one of these men was attractive so I ended up talking to a civilian, he took my number, and then I was weird. I was about to leave and couldn’t tell if he wanted to kiss or not. So we went in for the hug and my drunken mind thought it would be a great idea to kiss him on the cheek. I missed. Got the guy’s neck. OH WELL.

Since Saturday was a bust and it was a long weekend, we figured Sunday could be our redemption. We went out to the first bar with no luck. Moved to the one next door and saw those white uniforms. Perf. We got our beers and found a free table to watch the basketball game. The guys we were sitting with were all Cavaliers fans and one in particular would not shut the fuck up. Somehow, he ended up with my number. While we worked on our beers, the guy I matched with on Tinder let me know where he and his friends were headed and it wasn’t too too far from where we were. We downed our beers and made the trek over.

This bar was weird. It looked like a hallway that got converted to a shitty club because some kid had a bean bag chair and some dj equipment. The music was bad but we were a little turnt, wanted to dance, and I was waiting for Tinder guy to show up.

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Then everything happened so fast. My friend and I were dancing and probably 7 minutes into us being there both of us ended up with a marine. He and I danced for a minute and then he asked if I wanted a drink. I agreed and we got beers. The bar had slightly better lighting and I got a glimpse of his face. He was cute. Somehow age came up and he asked how old I thought he was. I guessed 20/21. He said 22. (Upon finding his instagram, he was actually 19). No joke, I don’t think he ever needs to shave. He then guessed my age and came up with 22. I’m 25 AKA grandma status.

Even though he was young, he explained that he was the highest ranked marine in the bar and was a gunner. Holy. Shit. This child had more balls than I ever will. I asked why he joined and he said “This” while motioning to the crowd. “It’s seeing everyone so happy and knowing I’m making it possible for them.” We kept talking and he said he was going to be shipped out to Syria in a year. FUCK. …then I gave him my number and we crushed some jagerbombs as one does.

We moved back out to the dance floor and were making out in seconds. He pressed me against the dj booth, felt me up, said how hot I was, sucked on my neck, and left a hickey while I ran my hands down his back and kissed his neck. He was ripped.

Despite me having a great time, my tinder “date” was not as amused.

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OH WELL.

My friend’s marine sucked so she said she was leaving. I had to leave my guy but it was a little difficult to do. That make out was really hot. When I got outside I couldn’t find her so I figured I’d call a Lyft and start heading out. The second I pulled my phone out another marine appeared to smoke a cigarette. He was a leaner guy who was maybe 5’9″. Truthfully, I couldn’t tell how attractive he was because the brim of his hat sat so low on his forehead but he didn’t look too too bad. He shared some fun nuggets of info. The one I distinctly remember was that he said, “Gay shit happens. No really, when you’re out there that long…I’ve cuddled with some guys before. It happens.”

Fam, I don’t know how this next part happened but in what felt like 2 minutes we were making out hard on the street, he gave me his number, and he was so fucking close to getting a hotel room. But alas, the Lyft got there before he could do anything else.

In the Lyft, I thought it would be a great idea to drunk text. Keep in mind, we have the guy from Saturday I was waiting on, the creepy guy, and 2 marines.

When I got this text, I was with my first marine and I thought it was the guy from the night before. After some beer, jagerbombs, and a few hours I then thought it was the first marine.

6…it was the creepy guy. FUCK.

I couldn’t remember the second marine’s name so when I opened my phone I saw a guy’s name and deduced it was his.

7.jpgWell that went well.

I was bummed. I really thought I would get at least one guy to text me that weekend. But low and behold, in the final hours I got an add on Snapchat and my marine came through.

89Thanks for the adventures Fleet Week. Until next time.

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Situation #8.1: The Coworker

Name: Elijah*

Date Location: Miriam Restaurant Brooklyn Museum

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Super crowded for brunch. His food wasn’t too flavorful or anything to ride home about but I loved my bacon, egg, and cheese on a croissant.

5.0 Stars – Super affordable, not one of those museums where you feel like a privileged asshole, nice exhibits

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Elijah and I were former coworkers with a slight history. Nothing ever happened between us because I had a boyfriend at the time and our company was not one for coworkers to date. That said, I had always felt like there was something between us. Even if it was small. There’s no particular instance to reference but I remember him caring more than he should have about me. He would text me almost daily, we would eat dinner together fairly regularly, had deep conversations, and I did go up to his apartment once to cook him some of my family’s food. (Granted I got weirded out and made some of my other coworkers come over as a buffer.) It all sounds like regular friend stuff but there was something different about the way he would go about it.

He was a really attractive guy and I would joke all the time to my friends about him. “Ohh you know if I was single I’d hit that…“, “UGH. Elijah is so hot…”, “He can get it!” By the time we both left our positions I had moved back to NH to be with my then boyfriend and he moved abroad.

Once in awhile he would slide into my DMs. We would chat a little but no major conversations were had. Then, he let me know that he was coming to NYC and wanted to catch up. OH HOT DAMN. We compared schedules and the day was set.

Going in I had no idea what to expect. Not only was I hung over as shit to the point that life felt like an out of body experience, I looked like a one night stand with my hair from the night before, and I had limited contact with him for the past 3 years. WAS THIS A DATE OR JUST FRIENDS? FUCKKKK.

Elijah strolled up while I was sitting on a curb trying not to puke my brains out. He looked hot AF. We hugged and took our seats for brunch. Since I was trying not to puke I basically was company for Elijah while he ate. We caught up on life and I really had no idea where the day was going to go. At one point he looked up, smiled at me, said “I’m really happy I got to see you”, and touched my leg. A bug was flying close by so I wasn’t sure how to gauge that leg thing. But shit. That smile. DAYUM.

It was such a beautiful day that we met my friend for a walk in the park. She dropped us off at the Brooklyn Museum and we worked our way through the exhibits (and a lot of vagina art).

At one point he made a comment of, “Oh I know what you’ve been up to. I won’t lie. I kind of stalk you on Instagram.” OKAY ELIJAH. We took a few selfies and I felt as if his body was closer to me than normal. But then again he was about 80 feet tall so he probably had to be that close since I was so short. Every time we approached a door, he opened it and guided me through ahead of him with his hand on the small of my back. Then later on he was taking photos but since we had a Facebook chat going my profile picture was pulled as an icon on the side of the screen. He said something along the lines of, “Now every time I take a picture I get to look at your sexy legs.” Maybe this was a date?

We went through a few of the exhibits and high fived. Then instead of letting my hand drop by my side, he held it. OH. SHIT. I WAS ON A DATE. My stomach had butterflies and everything. While staring at an old tv he came up behind me, rested his chin on my shoulder, pressed his face into my neck, and I felt his entire body envelope me. It sounds ridiculous, but it had been awhile since I was touched in such an affectionate way. In a way that didn’t feel transactional or as a step to something else and was so genuine. I was so happy.

We left the museum holding hands and we walked to a park nearby. He had his arm around me on the bench while I ate my sandwich left over from brunch then we just sat there chatting and taking in everything. I had forgotten just how kind and smart he was.

His brother was in Bryant Park and it was about time I dragged my ass back to NJ so we took the train back to Manhattan together. On the way to the train station, we had our arms around each other as we walked and when he would lean in to look at the photos I took on the way he would stand close with his hand on my back. On the train it continued. We were both holding onto the overhead bars and he pulled me into him before holding my hand again.

We reached our station where we both had change overs. We hugged and the whole time I wondered if he was going to do it. Would we finally kiss? After 5 years of tension, HE FUCKING DID IT. ELIJAH KISSED ME. And oh my goodness it was good. So soft. Right amount of suction. Just enough tongue. Then we went our separate ways.

I knew it would never work between us. He lived abroad, I don’t do long distance, and it was just one day. But it restored my hope in humanity. For so long I had questioned if my standards were too high, I was being too picky, these guys I had been going out with were fine, and I was just looking for a problem. I was so sick of being treated like an after thought and here Elijah was genuinely making me feel like I was the only person who mattered in that moment. I needed to know that still existed and I don’t think he’ll ever know just how much I needed that day with him.

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Situation #7.1: Male Model

What Happened:

A few months back I had taken a waitress job at the bar near my apartment. Truthfully, the place is almost always dead and the people who come in are regulars.

After not having a table for almost 90 minutes, this younger guy walked in asking about happy hour and he became my one and only table for the next few hours.

I brought him his drinks and he started talking to me out of nowhere. Normally, I wouldn’t engage unless it was one of my regulars but there was no one there and I had nothing better to do.

He went on and on about how he was a male model and just had a show earlier that day. …he showed me video footage (barf). This fucker was such a pain in the ass. He tried to make it seem like he knew everything about everything. That the bar should have a sign outside with the happy hour deal (not entirely wrong) but he came in and asked. He came up with the solution.

We chatted and I made a comment about “back in my day.” He asked me how old he looked and I guessed something like 22. He said he looked so good because of all the facials and massages he gets and I should really drop $100 sometime and do it. None of that is wrong, I probably should. But stop promoting yourself while talking to me. It wasn’t like, “Oh facials are so great. You’d love it!” It was more, “I do this thing. I am so great. You should do what I do.”

This led to a conversation about our birthdays. And damn it, we were a day apart. He invited me to his stupid ass party which would be at some bougie ass club in the city. If he wasn’t a douche, fine. But I don’t have time to stroke this fucker’s ego.

He also kept giving me the view count on the video he posted on Instagram and trying to get me to plug his Denim Day event on my real job’s social media. As he puts it, he “loves to give back.” Child, you are wearing a ripped jean jacket. Calm down. Then he said to follow him on Instagram. Fine, it would help me write this post. But he followed that with, “And if you could comment on some of my posts that would be great so they get some play. I don’t respond to them but for you, I will.” OH. MY GOD. This isn’t real.

People started coming into the bar which, thankfully, pulled me away from him. I had one of my favorite regulars so when it died back down, I spent time with him. He knew of a possible job opportunity for me so I was all ears. Then this fucking model kept interrupting with his stupid ass Instagram updates. “Oh, since I posted that I’ve gotten 15 emails. I already booked another job.” CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS.

I had to start closing down which left the model and my regular in the dining room. I don’t know what was said during this time but I overheard the model say, “I should have a beautiful woman on my arm. Why don’t I have one?” (BECAUSE YOU’RE A DOUCHE) And my regular said later on, “You’re ridiculous!” because this guy was bragging about how much he made last year. The model was so annoying, the regular ordered another shot and left.

Model boy later asked if I was single. I saw right through him. It wasn’t that he asked it point blank. He was trying to build me up like a salesman. “Oh are you seeing someone right now? You have to have someone you’re talking to. There’s really no one trying to get with you? I’m so surprised.” No. No one likes me. Catch up, boy! (And work on your delivery).

The model finally decided to leave about 15 minutes before my shift was up. He said, “There’s a reason I met you today of all days.” And went on about how he wasn’t going to walk in the bar but he did, he has all these opportunities since entering, and since our birthdays were so close it was meant to be. He asked for my number and I gave it only because he also mentioned he’d be in the next week and I didn’t want to create that awkward moment. Figured I’d leave him on read while I made a few dollars off him.

He never texted me. Instead, he slid into my DMs.

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Never heard from again.

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Situation #2.2: The EMT Zombie

Name: Gary*

What Happened:

I thought Gary and I were done. We had our brief chat in August and aside from likes on Instagram, I had no contact with him.

Mother fucker got me again! I had just came back to my apartment from a date and checked my instagram. He slid into the DMs with “Hey hows life”.

Fuck it, I’m in NY, he’s hot, this is weird. LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS. We made small talk and talked about work. He started a new gig and moved a few towns over. Then he goes in with, “We need to grab a beer someday. We can laugh about how we met haha”. Interesting. 

He then said,

“It was a great story me and my buddies laughed our asses off about that whole call to be honest. Did I ever tell you that I wasn’t supposed to be in the back? I was supposed to drive…Well on the way there my partner offered to tech since I was the paramedic and had already done a few but if you remember I show up for a very attractive girl sitting there half laughing half pouting and you look up and were like ‘hey you’re cute’ and I smiled and said ‘Well you’re very cute yourself’ and my partner just said to me ‘Yeah, I take it you’re teching this one, huh’ haha.”

We bantered a bit and he went on with,

“haha hey you are def one of my favorite patients ever haha. I mean how many times do I get to put a beautiful girl in my ambulance? Not very often I promise”

Between chats I decided to creep up on him. As it turned out, he was at a Halloween party I was supposed to go to in NH. I had no idea how he knew my friends but such a fucking small world. I also saw that he had a photo shoot with his baby (adorable) but then there was picture from the shoot of him kissing some girl. AWK SAUCE. No idea what the status on that was but I found it interesting.

As usual, I responded to his last message and POOF. Gone again.

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Situation #4.3: The Twins

Name: Mike*

What Happened:

After our night at Iggy’s, Mike and I texted constantly. There was more to him than I originally expected. He wrote a lot of material, had scripts up for Netflix, we had similar music taste, and both had an emo phase.

That week I got absolutely tanked with Rebecca and decided to answer his texts under the influence on the way home. 25262728

At the time, I was kinda into him. And I have to admit that it was pretty sweet of him to offer to come to NJ and give my drunk ass Poptarts. But as we kept texting over the weekend, he lost his charm.

I am all for getting drunk. I’m all for getting drunk on a regular basis. But being in your 30s, working part time, and still using funnels to drink beer say a lot about a person. Every single conversation we had was about getting drunk, ways to get drunk, the next time we’d be drunk, etc.

I also found out that his twin was texting Rebecca as well. What got weird was when she told me Mark had screenshotted one of her texts and accidentally sent it back to her rather than Mike. YALL ARE TOO THIRSTY. (Also I don’t want an orgy with Rebecca. We’re friends but no that’s a level of comfort I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for).

When Rebecca and I met up the next weekend we decided that we were both done with our prospective twin. …then we ended up at Iggy’s and ran into them. AWK SAUCE.

Being the smart/sneaky bitches we are, we got the twins to buy us shots and a drink. Then while one was in the bathroom and the other was chatting up a girl we dipped. We ran out of that bar so fucking fast.

I woke up the next morning to a “Where did you guys go?”. Ignored it.

I didn’t hear from him for nearly 2 months after that. The week of Hoboken’s Santacon he slid into my DMs on Instagram asking if Rebecca and I would be there. I left him on read. A month after that he slid into the DMs again after he saw I was watching a Patriots game. Left on read again and haven’t heard from him since. gifr10_6

Situation #4.2: The Twins

Name: Mark* and Mike*

Location: Iggy’s

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Bar has karaoke, good music, and drunk people willing to make poor choices. However, the dancing is lackluster.

What Happened:

After our drunken evening at Ziggy’s, I didn’t think I would ever see the twins again. The week after we met, Mike asked if my friend and I were up to anything but I was heading out of state. I figured it would be like that first week of college where you exchange numbers and then never see the person again. But the Upper East Side is weird and you always run into the same people.

Rebecca and I went out for another night of drinking and poor choices. While I was tied up making out with Situation 5.1, she drunkenly wandered to the bar next door with the Situation’s friend.

How did I find this out? Mike texted me saying he saw Rebecca and was wondering if I was far behind. Situation 5.1 and I headed over to Iggy’s and I reunited with Rebecca and the twins. (What was odd was that right after I hugged the twins, both Rebecca and I’s situations left. Weird).

Rebecca found a new guy at Iggy’s which left me to kick it with the twins. We danced and I found out that Mark and Mike have synchronized dance moves. Once 3am rolled around though it was time to head out.

I started walking out of the bar and got a text from Mike asking if I wanted company walking to the train. I agreed and we walked a few blocks to my stop. We made small talk, nothing noteworthy happened. (Except for the most awkward goodbye in history. Like are we hugging? Just saying bye? Am I a bro now? Wtf). Then I checked my phone on the subway platform.

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So like that’s pretty cool.

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Situation #5.1: The Point Guard

Name: Josh

Location: Stumble Inn

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – A lot of good looking men at the Stumble Inn and the drinks aren’t insanely priced. It will just take you a half hour to get a beer.

What Happened:

After finally making a friend on BumbleBFF it was time we got fucking trashed together. Rebecca and I headed up to the Stumble Inn for a night of poor choices. Apparently people give a fuck about the World Series and especially care when the Yankees are playing. (Weird). So the bar was packed and there were quite a few prospects.

Rebecca and I got our drank on and this one guy who I kept waiting in line with would buy us shots each time he went to the bar. By about midnight we were fucked up. Rebecca saw a cute guy but somehow ended up talking to his friend and I took the opportunity to chat with this hottie.

He lived only 10 or so blocks up from the bar, was 30, and used to play basketball. He kept telling me that I was really beautiful and bought us some drinks. In his drunken wisdom, he tried making plans with me for the next day and was so serious about it he almost bought Giants tickets. I talked him out of it and we agreed that we would meet up in Hoboken to watch the game.

He must not have thought I was serious so he asked for my number and texted me immediately to be sure I had his digits. We hit the dance floor and started making out like crazy. (Let it be known that he asked why I was single during this time. I don’t understand why people ask this question because THE FUCK DO I KNOW. YOU TELL ME WHY I’M SINGLE SIR. If you have a decent answer for this please tell me because it’s awkward)

We kept making out and then realized his friend and my friend left which lead to Situation #4.2. But as all drunk plans go, they didn’t happen. I texted him Monday asking how his hangover went and to let me know if he ever wanted to grab a beer. He asked me for my Instagram handle and then I never heard from him again.

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Situation #3.4: The Wedding Date

Name: David*

What Happened:

Because I’m a moron I kept talking to David even after what he said. 2 days after the conversation he called me again and thanked me for listening. We talked about our usual things and he talked about coming to visit. (Key there is talked about, didn’t actually make plans).

I called him the next week in a margarita induced state to tell him I was coming down to DC that weekend. I didn’t expect him to change plans for me but fuck it, tequila made me do it. He was supposed to go to a party the same night I’d be there but he also said he didn’t want to go so we’d play it by ear.

I didn’t end up seeing him in DC. I did receive 4 drunk dials and a text saying to, “Plz call me back”. I drunkenly called him back while I was in line at McDonald’s and tbh I have no fucking clue what he was saying because he was slurring so hard. My McFlurry was ready so I hung up (#Priorities) but he called me back about an hour later. All I could make out was that he was extremely drunk, was sorry he didn’t see me, and was upset about something.

He called me again Monday night (kinda buzzed) and told me what happened. My phone kept cutting out but from what I could hear the girl he liked got back together with his friend and he had to see them at the party he was at. He then decided to get absolutely smashed and since he didn’t want to be there, drove home. Not his finest moment.

He apologized again for not being able to see me and the day after we talked he texted me asking what I was doing in a few weeks. I didn’t have anything booked for that weekend so he asked me to come down to Maryland because his friends were heading out west. I agreed but I don’t have a car so he’d have to pick my ass up from the bus station and be my ride for the weekend. I’m 90% sure he thought I meant drive from NJ so I clarified that I could get to Maryland fine but that was as far as I could make it. He didn’t respond.

After a week of some stalker behavior (he followed me on Twitter and looked at my LinkedIn without adding me), he drunk dialed me at 2am on Saturday. I called him back. He didn’t respond.

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Situation #4.1: The Twins

Name: Mark* and Mike*

Location: Ziggy’s

Location Review: 5.0 Stars – There’s something about Ziggy’s that makes you into a shitshow. 2 for 1 happy hour drinks, tasty Mexican fare, and some interesting humans

What Happened:

During a BumbleBFF meet up my “lady date”, Rebecca*, and I met a set of identical twins. They were Patriots fans so we immediately got along and started drinking.

A few things about the twins. They came to NY to start a fashion line. Not to throw too much shade but it’s essentially expensive t-shirts. (Granted my version of high fashion is Target so to each his own.) They also played football at a major college and are still living out their glory days…at 30.

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What up, Joe?

Despite acting like they’re 22, they know a shit ton of people. At one point one of the twins turned to my friend and I and asked if we watch Grey’s Anatomy. We said yes, he pointed to a guy behind him, and said “Our friend was on it”. As I looked over I expected to see some random extra who had a foot stuck in his butt. Oh no. This guy was legit. WE MET JOE ADLER.

We also met their 2 friends who also work with the “fashion line”. One was pretty cute and was trying to convince us he was 19 while the other was on another planet. No idea what his deal was. Between awkward conversations we danced with the twins, talked Patriots defense, and drank.

After 2 margs, 2 scorpion bowls, and 2 tequila shots it was time for us to bounce. We each gave a twin our number and headed out from the bar. We thought it would be a one time thing. We were wrong.

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