Little known fact about me. I LOVE magic (not The Gathering. The bunny out of a hat kind). Like a lot. I feel like it’s one of the few times you get to experience that feeling of childhood wonder at any age and I can never figure out how the tricks are done. I had previously dated a guy who could do the BS close up magic and I would shit myself in excitement every time.
For my day job, we were hosting an event and hired a magician. No joke, this was my best day ever. Not only did I get to eat and drink for free before, the show had drag queens, one of the drag queens did all these songs I used to cover, AND THERE WAS A FUCKING MAGICIAN WHO WAS CUTE.
Even though it was my best day, no one else seemed as excited. The theatre could seat 200+ and there were maybe 30 attendees. Intimate AF show. He called for a volunteer, I shot my hand up, and he called me up. I can’t explain what happened next but I started crying because I was so happy. Then he asked me who my favorite magician was and I blurted, “ANDREW J. PINARD. HE’S FANTASTIC AND USED TO WORK AT NEWICK’S.” (Newick’s was a seafood restaurant in NH my family went to. The closest one to us closed 15+ years ago. I have seen him perform since and it is fucking magical!)
Mack did the trick and my mind was fucking blown. How did he guess my card? How did he slide my card up through a drawing of a card deck? Why doesn’t the paper have a slit? HOLY SHIT.
He signed the paper he drew on and I went back to my seat. After the show, my friend told me that she went to school with him and that I should hit him up since she thought he was single. I brushed it off.
Well, I got drunk a week later and thought FUCK IT. I followed him on Instagram. It didn’t take long for him to follow me back and he liked a photo from New Years Eve. It was fucking May. I got drunk again a week later and slid into his DMs.
Well shit! We kept messaging back and forth and he mentioned that he didn’t receive our annual publication. I put one in an envelope with a post-it saying “Enjoy!” and sent his way. I got a little ballsy and messaged him to go out for drinks some time as well.
He messaged me when he got the mail and gave me shit for my note because I “could be cuter”. I wrote a quick thank you note and sent it over.
Things got more and more flirtatious.
He apparently creeped my ass pretty hard. He saw all my old ventriloquism photos. Then things got even saucier.
But then he would ghost and randomly come back from the dead.
Then he’d message me again, get saucy, and cut out.
I didn’t hear from him for weeks. Then he zombied back.
DOUBLE MESSAGE? Interesting. I did notice a pattern though. It was almost always a Friday/Saturday night. At least one, if not both of us would be traveling. And, he always left the conversation hanging. I did some creeping. He had been dating this girl for a long ass time and there was no clear indicator that they broke up. My friend was friends with him on Facebook and said he wasn’t in a relationship. Here’s the thing. I found her Instagram. It was private but her profile photo was a pic of the 2 of them. CURIOUS.
I had started seeing someone regularly so it didn’t feel right to respond anymore. That didn’t go over so well.
He’s not the only one who can disappear.
Context: My first photo is of me sitting in a tractor wheel
Location Review: 4.0 Stars – So. Damn. Good. Awesome chicken!
4.0 Stars – Definitely a little snooty but has a trendy atmosphere and bomb ass duck fat fries
3.0 Stars – Actual food is nothing to ride home about but the dessert menu is super creative
Date Duration: 72 hours
After being away from each other for a week, sexting, and sending adorable ass text messages—
(Like really? HOW IS SOMEONE SO FUCKING SWEET?)
This was it. This was our weekend to fuck. I had shaved. Cute underwear was on. Condoms were packed. It was game time.
That said, there may have been a kink in the plan. I was going over Thursday night and my period was supposed to start at literally any moment that day. I did the right thing and let him know what was going on and he, per usual, was adorable AF.
I knew there was a chance but I was determined to beat it. I flooded my system with Advil, chugged water, and read every Wikihow on how to stop a period. I was ready.
Thursday night we went to a Greek spot for dinner and once again pissed the shit out of the waitstaff because we wouldn’t shut the fuck up. I had also asked him if he would come away with me to Ocean City, MD the following week. Plans with a friend fell through and I still had the room booked. He agreed.
When we got home, it was on. Thing was we both really wanted to go above and beyond for the other person so things didn’t quite work as well as we wanted. But, it would all be fine because I was going to fuck him while he was on a conference call for work the next morning to make up for it.
Friday morning I woke up with the pain. That pain every woman knows all too well. I ran into the bathroom and it was true. I had gotten my period. BAD. Like murder scene. I went into my bag. Among the two vibrators, spare bra, Soft Discs, and umbrella—all I had was one tampon. ONE. Shit.
Before the panic truly set in, we made breakfast. Jared had no idea what I liked to eat so he picked up a bunch of stuff the day before. He even got chocolate chips for pancakes since he thought I’d want them if I was on my period. We spent the day snuggled up on the couch and I watched Netflix while he did actual work.
Around dinner time it started to hit just how poorly I packed. One tampon was not going to last me until Sunday and I needed to save the Soft Discs for sex. We were going out anyways to pick up some things for dinner and there was a CVS next to the Trader Joe’s. Perfect. Should be fine.
As we walked through Trader Joe’s I felt my thighs sort of stick together. I attributed it to the humidity. Then I squatted down to grab a spice bottle and THERE SHE BLOWS. I felt the splooge of blood and began to panic since time was limited. I tried playing it cool when we got to CVS but as I got out of the car I pulled my skirt up a tad and saw the damage. There was a full Rorschach painting of blood happening down my thighs.
Despite this disaster, Jared was cool with it. He said he was just happy to spend time with me. We cooked dinner together and danced around his kitchen. While he was cleaning up, I went back into the kitchen and laid on the floor with my legs on the wall to stretch my hamstrings. He joined me on the floor and we just laid there, enjoying each other’s company.
We both wanted to fuck and after working out some mechanics it was decided that I would attempt the Soft Disc and we’d hit the shower. Things went better this time. We got our heads out of our asses and just had a fun time. His shower was pretty big which definitely made things easier. Shower sex is a tough one to make work but there were plenty of ledges and enough wall space to get it done. (I also may have farted upon exiting the shower. All mystery was lost.)
Saturday morning we cracked into the chocolate chips and made some pancakes before cuddling up and watching the original Jurassic Park. Pretty much we spent the day curled up on the couch and eventually decided it would be a good idea to see the outside world.
As I was doing my make up, Jared came into the bedroom and put a glass of white wine next to me. Then, as I was finishing up he started putting music on that he knew I liked. I have a weird love of John Denver and as it turns out, he is also a fan. He put Country Roads on and we slow danced in his living room.
After our dance break involving me teaching him the Beat It dance, we headed out to the bar. A few glasses of wine in he says,
“You know I’ve been seeing this girl and she asked me to go to Ocean City with her. Like it’s her favorite place in the world. What does this all mean?”
“It means whatever you want it to mean. I think she just wants to spend time with you and enjoy things as they come. She may also want it to be exclusive but isn’t ready to label anything.”
“Exclusive? I could do that. I just got out of a relationship and I’m not ready to jump into anything.”
That was it. We spent the rest of the night walking around downtown Montclair, trying ice cream, laughing, and opening up to each other.
Somehow the time flew and it was already Sunday. We ordered in breakfast and finished watching Jurassic Park. At one point a pillow fell off the couch and knocked over a glass of water. We cleaned it up and while we were on the floor started making out and made moves to fuck.
Jared knew his way around. I went into the bathroom to pop in the Soft Disc and when I got into his room there were ties, cuffs, and vibrators out. LETS. GO.
I had never fucked a guy while using a vibrator. Holy shit. Everyone go online and order a bullet style vibe and fuck your partner. Unreal.
After fucking for about 2 hours, we went out to the park and got some snacks before I drove back home. I knew I was going to see him 4 days later but, I didn’t want to leave. I was so happy. It had been a long time since I felt like I was a part of something mutual. There was no grey area on if we were interested in each other seriously or not and that was so relieving.
With that, we got ready for a (period-free) beach weekend.
Date Location: Pint – Jersey City, NJ
Location Review: 4.0 Stars – This is a basic ass bar. Nothing crazy. BUT their happy hour is what truly shines. $2 shots, $3 beers, and $3 mixed drinks.
Date Duration: 12 hours
Only 3 days after our second date we were on the third. He offered to come to Jersey City so we decided to do trivia at one of the cheapest bars in the area.
Since he was running late from work and the bar didn’t have much for food, I ordered in and he met me at my place. Earlier that day, he mentioned that he had something really embarrassing to tell me but he was going to wait until he saw me in person. I buzzed him into the the building and when he got to my door, he had me step out. I forget how it happened but he ended up seeing his mom earlier that day after she stopped at a bakery nearby. She also gave him 2 cannolis and said that he could share them with his “new friend”. DYING.
We ate dinner and of course he was fucking adorable. Before we got into the Lyft he kept kissing me and saying that he loved the way I touched him and how I smelled. (That sounds super creepy. It was sweet in person.)
We got to the bar, grabbed a seat, I got a little drunk, and we got our asses kicked in trivia. Between questions and rounds of drinks we had good conversation. Then at one point I ended up telling him (thank you vodka) that I really liked him, it scared me, and as happy as I was things were moving really fast. His eyes got really big. He said he felt the same way but wasn’t sure where I was and he was happy that we were on the same page.
He had a flight the next day so he didn’t want to stay the night but offered to bring a pint of ice cream back to my apartment to have before he went home. On the walk to Walgreens he revealed that he was not late because of work. It was because he stopped to get another new outfit for our date. Also that pint of ice cream he picked up was never opened. Instead we ended up in my bed.
Once again, we didn’t fuck. I don’t know how it happened but we decided that we were going to fuck the next time we saw each other. But, we kept ourselves busy with other things. He continued to prove he had a strong oral game and we moved to the shower. While we were in there, he brought up again that he had never just showered with someone and found it to be an intimate and romantic moment to share.
I didn’t realize how much I missed sharing my bed and waking up next to someone. I always have slept a little better knowing that there is someone next to me and it also helped that he was a solid big spoon.
The two of us were out of town for the weekend but he invited me to stay with him at his place the next weekend. We needed to fuck. I accepted his offer.
Date Location: Onieal’s – Hoboken, NJ
Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Good ass apps, decent wine selection, next to a dog park.
Date Duration: 12 hours
After our first date, I was super excited to see Jared again. Not only did he text me the night of saying how much fun he had but, he threw in that he couldn’t stop thinking about that night, had so much fun, and was looking forward to the next time we’d meet up.
Since I had a long drive back to NJ that day, we decided to stay by my area. Normally, I would have met him in Hoboken but 1. I didn’t know where to have him park down there and 2. I felt comfortable enough having him park at my apartment and then Uber over with me.
When we met outside my building, he gave me such a long and tight hug and I could feel his smile press into the top of my head. We Ubered over to the bar and once again, did not shut the fuck up.
Over text it came out that Jared’s mom was a medium. This blew my goddamn mind. I love mediums. A lot. There is a video in the depths on the internet of me sobbing uncontrollably while my grandmother came through via medium. It’s a big fucking deal and this kid’s mom happened to be one. (He did make a point to say that she doesn’t read her children or people close to her children. Booooo.) I also found out that he was half Jewish. My life aspiration at age 12? Be a Jew.
There was one moment though that was fucking hysterical. He asked me about ventriloquism and my puppet. I moved to grab my phone to pull up a picture of it and he said, “Oh don’t worry about it, I saw it on your profile.” I made a face. “No the photo. It’s on your Hinge profile.” It wasn’t. He creeped my ass HARD. Like scroll on Instagram until there aren’t any more photos hard. He was mortified. He also let it slip that he told his mom about me and may have sent her a photo. That was weird.
Despite his creepy ass, he still managed to surprise me with how genuine he was. He told me his best friend knew we were out and she asked him how it was going. He showed me the text and it read, “She’s awesome.”
We wrapped up at the bar, walked over to the dog park to pet some pooches, and headed out to one of the piers in Hoboken to see the NYC skyline. I loved how Jared touched me. It felt so fucking genuine. While we were looking out, he stood behind me with his arms tightly around my body. For whatever reason it just felt comfortable.
We kissed and eventually decided to move to the grass since making out where everyone takes pictures isn’t necessarily the best idea. Then we just had one of those conversations that lasts for hours. We covered our past relationships, the fact that we were blown away by the other person, and anything else under the sun.
At one point, I had my legs across his and the top of my dress wasn’t doing a great job of staying up. Jared said, “It’s not that your chest is out. I love how comfortable you are here and that it looks like you just don’t care.” …then we aggressively made out in the grass.
He also showed me some of the texts he had sent his friend about me. Jared had it BAD for me and it was clear his friend was also into this idea of me. He read some aloud to me but I looked down at his phone. He said things like, “I can’t stop thinking about her…I’ll be thinking about her all day”. Then he gave info for the friend to creep me and she said things like, “She’s so cute…She looks so radiant in her competition photos…I’m going to steal her from you…I can’t wait for her to meet everyone.” No. Pressure.
At this point it was almost 1am and I asked him if he would like to continue what we were doing back at my place if he was cool with not fucking. (I have learned my lesson. Second date fucks just don’t work out for me). He agreed and within 2 minutes of being in my apartment, I had him on the bed ripping off each other’s clothes. Once again Jared was cute and said, “If I had known this was going to happen tonight I would have worn my nice underwear.” Dead.
Although we didn’t fuck that night, we covered some decent ground. Jared had some strong oral skills to start but then when he asked the most lovely question a man can ask, “Will you sit on my face?” His oral game got that much stronger.
We moved to the shower and he admitted that he had never just taken a shower with someone before. He had only ever showered with someone to fuck and the whole time he kept going on about how great it was to enjoy another person’s body in that way.
When we dried off and got snuggled up in bed (at 3am) he apologized for asking me to come back with him on our first date. I personally didn’t care but he didn’t want it to create a negative memory on such a great night. WHY WAS HE SO NICE? We spent the remaining two hours curled up together between him sucking on my neck and continuing to eat me out.
He texted me the next day and said that he couldn’t wait to see me for our next date. I was excited too. But also scared. For two years I said I wanted to be in a relationship again and when I decided to give up on that this fucker came into my life. I was staring everything I could have wanted in the face and it was petrifying. Then I remembered all the advice I received over the past few years. Accept and enjoy it for what it is and take everything one step at a time. With that in mind, we set the third date.