Encounter #54.2: Coast Guard

App: Bumble

Name: Jesse*

Date Location: His Place

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

I was a bit disappointed when I didn’t hear back from Jesse. It dug up a lot of weird shit I had been pushing aside and even though I disagreed, he wasn’t entirely wrong that I had a wall up.

I went along with my weekend and everything was going to plan until that Saturday night. My friend and I were drinking on my couch and I saw a text from him come in asking what I was up to. I left it on read. He needed to sweat.

About an hour later he called. I picked up and it came out why he hadn’t talked to me all week. He was being deployed in less than 48 hours. Fuck.

The reason his medical clearance was so crazy was because they were immediately sending him out on a mission. He tried to apply for leave to give himself time to get his house and everything in order but it was denied. So basically he had spent the rest of that week trying to get his shit together and see his family before he left.

We made plans to try to hang out the next day. He obviously had a lot going on so I wasn’t expecting to hear from him. He called me that morning and we talked for about an hour and he kept saying that he would do what he needed to do so we could see each other.

Several hours passed and I thought that was it. I really couldn’t hold it against him. Deployment is a lot to handle. 10:30 pm he called and said he was coming to pick me up. OH SHIT. It’s my time to shine.

I threw on some semi-attractive lazy clothes and made myself look like I hadn’t lived on my couch all day. When he got me, it just felt off. He, understandably, wasn’t as talkative with everything going on but we really didn’t have any banter. What was a 12-minute drive felt like 30.

The house was nice. Garage, hard wood floors, 3 bedrooms, jacuzzi tub, the whole thing. He gave me the tour and as expected, we started making out when we got to his room. Things were promising. He was a decent kisser and as I slid his shirt off I felt how soft his skin was and that he was ripped. Fuego.

Then shit got weird. So at that point we were both naked and standing. He then went behind me to suck on my neck and attempted to finger me. I mean I saw where he was going but, it probably would have worked better as the method to get my clothes off.

He kept going with it and wasn’t being too aggressive so I took the lead. I got him on the bed and started blowing him. To start, he must have rubbed something on himself before I got there because he tasted so strongly of soap and tea tree oil. It was like licking a yoga mat. On top of that, he was SILENT. No moaning, no words, nothing. This was an area I felt confident in so after awhile I kind of just came up for air and figured he was good.

I then asked if he could work on me for a bit and this fucker suggested 69. Ugh. Fine. He wasn’t very good. If I had to describe it, it was like he was trying to suck the meat off a chicken wing. Plus anytime he was doing something good, I’d verbalize it, and then he’d immediately switch to something else. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS.

He randomly stopped so I hopped off and we started fucking. Things were going well. We were finding our rhythm. But then he stopped again.

“Did you cum?”

“No, did you?”

“I am so sorry. I did. It’s been awhile, I’m so sorry!”

We had been having sex less than a minute.

I didn’t know how long it had been for him but based on how embarrassed he was and what I knew about his last relationship, it had to have been in the year+ range.

We made out a bit and snuggled for awhile. He had to pack so he said I could hang out and watch Netflix for a bit while he threw his bag together. I offered to leave. I knew he had a lot to do but he insisted it would be maybe 10/15 minutes.

I curled up on his couch and after 10 minutes it just felt too weird. I went upstairs to say good bye and he called me an Uber which I appreciated. We never spoke again.

And so with that, I saved America by fucking one of their finest. You’re welcome.

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Encounter #41.3: Slow Hands

App: Bumble

Name: Chase*

Date Location: My Apartment

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 16 hours

What Happened:

Despite the cum shot to the eye, I gave Chase another chance. Yes it was a lot to take in for an initial encounter but, Chase was fucking hot and I couldn’t stop thinking about the sex.

Both of us had partied the night before so we decided to hang out together at home. However, I woke up that morning with my period. God damn it. Since he was coming over, I expected sex to happen and thought it would be polite to give him a heads up.

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  1. Apparently “Shark Week” doesn’t translate well to Portuguese
  2. How fucking sweet?

Chase offered to bring food if I supplied booze. I was expecting a small thing to share. Oh no. He brought a TRAY of lobster paella, these tasty ass Portuguese pudding things, cookies, and Portuguese candy that tasted like Reese’s Stix. Holy. Shit. Wow.

We had a nice chat over dinner where I found out he was previously married and going through a divorce. That sounds bad but really, it was a good talk. He was candid with me and they had good reason to end it. When your wife cheats on you and tells you you’re a piece of shit, there’s a good case to be made.

After killing dessert (and a bottle of wine) we moved to the couch to watch some Netflix. As expected, we didn’t watch all that much. Within minutes he had me in the bedroom and got to work. Once again, he was throwing down some great moves. Up, down, leg here, leg there (and no cum shot to the eye).

He was such a confident and strong person that I loved having sex with him. For the first time in months, I didn’t have to think. He took control while I got to be in the moment. We fucked again in the morning before he went home and it was solidified. We were fuck buddies.

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Encounter #41.2: Slow Hands

App: Bumble

Name: Chase*

Date Location: Grove Corner Bar & Taqueria Downtown – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review:  3.0 Stars – Classic sports bar. Cheap pitchers of beer during games, tvs everywhere, and dark wood.

5.0 Stars – Taqueria is the tits. One marg will fuck you up, tacos are delicious, and the service is pretty quick.

Date Duration: 8 hours

What Happened:

In the time since our first date, I had already made an ass of myself. We were supposed to hang out one weekend but I was too hung over to move because of previous exploits the night before then later that weekend I got tanked at a wedding and drunk texted him. For whatever reason, he was still interested and we met up on a night that neither of us had to take classes.

The bar I originally picked was slammed so we found the closest one that had seating. It was a sports bar in the middle of a Yankee game so we made it work. We had a few pitchers of beer and as we crushed the second I asked what he wanted to do. Stay here or check somewhere else out? He said, “I mean we could go back to your place.” I MEAN IF YOU INSIST.

He was hungry and I was nervous so I roped him into getting tacos. On the walk over, he put his arm around my waist which was oddly sweet. I wasn’t expecting that at all. We got in and fucking went in on those tacos. Holy fuck. I cannot say enough good things about the lamb ones. Fuck me up.

We ate. Drank. And then it was time. He called the Uber to my place and within minutes of being in the apartment things happened. Chase knew exactly what he was doing. His make outs were on point, he had me against the wall, and took the time to make sure I was feeling good. I was shocked. When we moved to the bed he made a point to go down on me and damn, it was good. When he came up for air, I reached down to reciprocate some of his efforts and he was huge. I don’t know why I was surprised. He was pretty tall and had a broader build so it made sense but you just don’t know until you’re in the moment.

We started fucking and it was mind blowing. He clearly worked out because he was pulling me up and throwing me down no problem. What really got me though was how we connected so easily. Normally the first time is kind of awkward and you’re both figuring each other out. This was like birthday sex level good…well until the inevitable awkward happened.

I had drank quite a bit and he was packing. So when we switched to him behind me there was a ton of pressure on my bladder. I didn’t necessarily want to stop but, I was ready for him to finish up. I turned to him and asked, “What can I do to get you off?” Easy. Simple question. He responded with, “I want to cum on your face and shove it in your ass…don’t worry, we’ll save that second part for later.”

Ummmm. Wow. Okay, coming in hot there.

I felt like Jim from The Office staring into the camera. I was expecting literally any other answer. “Suck me off”, “Keep doing that”, “Put your leg here”. Anything. This felt a bit bold for an initial encounter.

It was a lot but, I believed I could blow him and finish things a little quicker. He laid down and I got to work. Then he said, “Get down” and threw a pillow on the floor. Before I knew it he was standing above me and it happened. He came in my eye.

Chase was one of those guys that as soon as he finished, he passed the fuck out. So while he flopped on the bed exhausted, I was left on the floor trying find tissues in the dark with only one functional eyeball.

I was a bit annoyed. It’s not that I really cared that he finished on my face but, I do think that when you blow a load all over someone you have to help clean your mess. It’s only fair.

Although he pulled a party foul, he had a moment of redemption. We were laying there, started making out a bit, and I made some comment about getting me off. He quickly went to work. Cool with vibrators? Awesome. Let’s party.

He left not long after which was fine with me. We texted here and there over the weekend while I was away.

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But like I said, Taqueria is really fucking good.

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Encounter #44.1: Finance Guy

App: Tinder

Name: Jim*

Date Location: Pint – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – This is a basic ass bar. Nothing crazy. BUT their drinks are dirt cheap.

Date Duration: 22 hours

What Happened:

In a continuation of “How Hot Can I Bag”, I stumbled on Jim’s profile. Physically, he looked like a straight douche but his bio was promising.

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Within minutes he messaged me and the conversation was so damn quick and witty.

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Shocked. An attractive guy in finance with a sense of humor? Shooketh.

We quickly made plans and the date was set. I beat him to the bar and started to sweat. Less attractive guys who vaguely looked like his photos kept walking by, one was clearly looking for someone, and I prayed it wasn’t me. Finally, he showed up and looked exactly like his pics. Tall, dark features, fit, Italian AF. Perf.

We started drinking and the conversation just flowed. We liked a lot of the same things and had identical taste in television and music. British Bake Off, Jersey Shore, “Cyclone”, and Celine Dion? This couldn’t be real.

We drank quite a bit. He found out doubles were only $5 and we drank like college freshmen. We started making out and as the drinks went down it got more and more intense. Finally, I asked if he wanted to come back with me on the condition we wouldn’t fuck. I had too many successful dates in a row. I learned my lesson, the world would have struck me back down if we had sex.

While I changed into comfy clothes he turned on Jersey Shore. Boy after my heart. I ordered pizza and we made out while we waited. When the pizza arrived, we curled up on the couch and watched our favorite nonsense.

About one episode in, things heated up and the clothes came off. We moved to my room and hooked up. He was a bit different than what I encountered before. To start, ripped. Wow. No idea how that agreed to come home with me.

He was also very into blowjobs. I shit you not, this fucker came twice in no time and was all about the swallowing. Tbh, I was quite proud of myself since the last time I attempted to swallow I was 17, it came up like a volcano, and I ended up spitting on my high school boyfriend’s stomach. MEMORIES. This time? Success.

His game was inconsistent. On one end, he knew exactly how to finger a woman, where to kiss me, and was completely fine with incorporating vibrators. On the other, this motherfucker didn’t go down on me. Bitch, I swallowed yo babies. Reciprocate, asshole.

He was a snuggly sleeper though and I really appreciated that. Since the break up, I had been craving physical touch to the point I would arrange my pillows along my back to make it feel like someone was spooning me when I slept. (Recently been informed that this is fucking weird). I loved feeling someone’s body heat and having all the skin to skin contact in the world.

I also had nightmares that night so that was cool. On occasion, after a night of drinking I’ll have realistic dreams and they have been known to get intense. Of course, they happened when I had Jim in my bed. He was cool about it. When we talked about it the next morning he said he was convinced that when I shot up, I had sobered up, realized he was in my bed, and was going to kick him out.

After we hooked up again in the morning, I expected him to leave but he asked if we could get breakfast. We went to the bagel shop around the corner and brought it back to the apartment. For the next 6 hours we were curled up on the couch watching Community and napping. (Side note: This was the point I noticed that he had the facial features of a caveman. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it).

He had to meet friends and we stayed in touch pretty regularly for the most part. However, I was getting annoyed. We kept talking and talking but he didn’t ask me out again. I kept setting the runway for him to ask and he was either blind to it or was swerving real hard.

It became clear that he really just wanted to sext with me. That’s cool and all but, you know what’s more fun than sexting me? Fucking.

After not hearing from him for 5 days and seeing he unmatched me on Tinder, a text from Jim came in and he was being a pain in the ass. It went from just talking shit about football to being kind of aggressive. Somehow, I managed to flip things around and the sexting began. This time, I wasn’t putting in the work. I got his ass to write out EVERYTHING. When it was my turn to reciprocate, I said I had just taken an Advil PM and was falling asleep.

Truly a legend that will be passed on to my children.

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