Encounter #73.4: Home Team

App: Tinder

Name: Owen*

Date Location: Yankee Lanes & Murphy’s Taproom – Manchester, NH

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Are you taking your life into your hands going here? Maybe. But $20 all you can bowl after 9:30pm is a solid deal.

3.5 Stars – I’ve been a few times over the years and it’s fine. The deck is really nice though.

Date Duration: 19 hours

What Happened:

This was going to be THE night. We had made plans the day after I had a wedding and despite being hungover AF, I was going to hang out with Owen and we were going to have sex.

I checked in with him earlier that day gunning to be invited to his place and he suggested that we go bowling. *Sigh* Alright, I guess I can keep it in my pants for a few more hours. I met him at the bowling alley and things were going pretty well. Not only was I starting to catch up with him on the score board but, conversation was good. I also noticed that when we were sitting next to each other we were touching.

We had just started our third string when the fire alarm went off and everyone was evacuated. Was this God helping me get laid? I made the eyes at him in the parking lot and he asked if I wanted to get a drink somewhere. Fiiiiiiiine.

As expected, the conversation was great. We were connecting. We covered some of our baggage. (I even saw someone we went to high school with walk by). And we closed the bar down.

Owen walked me to my car and I was giving him the “fuck me” make out. He had me up against the car and I kept pulling him into me. Finally, I heard the long awaited words, “Do you want to get out of here?”. Don’t have to ask me twice.

His place was nice. Hood adjacent. But still, pretty nice. It didn’t take long for things to get going and because I don’t want ALL our shit out there, all I’ll say was it was good. Like, really fucking good. I had no complaints and he was very focused on making sure I enjoyed myself.

He was also so sweet. After we had sex we were all snuggled up making out and chit chatting. Pretty much the entire time he was petting my hair or rubbing my back which I loved. He also asked me if I had wanted him to kiss me on our first date. When I told him yes he let out a, “Damn it, I KNEW it but I just wasn’t thinking. God, that was so lame for me to ask for your number”. It was really cute. He also kept pulling me into him saying how he liked how weird I was, kissing my forehead, and that he liked spending time with me. Just very sweet.

We stayed up until 5/6am and when we woke up for real around 10 he offered to get bagels. My heart. It absolutely poured the rest of the day so we spent it inside playing games, making out, and having bomb ass sex. Really the whole thing just felt very comfortable.

Owen really surprised me. I kept expecting him to do something shitty like all the other men before but he seemed to be a genuinely kind person. It was after that weekend I decided to take a chance, turn off all the apps, and see what the fuck would happen.

Encounter #75.2: Landscaper

App: Tinder

Name: Ethan*

Date Location: La Festa Brick & Brew – Dover, NH

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – Cute spot, pizza was decent, lovely customer service.

Date Duration: 7 hours

What Happened:

Our first date was pretty damn good so I was anxious to meet up with Ethan again. Was I incredibly horny? Yes. Was that the majority of why I wanted to see him? Also yes.

We decided to keep it low key since he was a little wigged out by Delta variant so I parked at his place, we packed a cooler of drinks, grabbed pizza, and chilled in the park.

Like last time, conversation was easy. He was high energy and we could make each other laugh. He was also very sweet with physical affection. When we finished our pizza we decided to walk around a bit and he was holding my hand the whole time and would pull me in for a kiss at the right moments.

Eventually we made it to this wooded path and we pulled over to the side to sit on a random ass slab of granite. As you can expect, we made out. He asked if I’d go back with him (mostly so I could pee) and he held my hand the whole way home.

His apartment was nice. It was multiple floors and it looked like Ethan and his roommate genuinely tried to make it look nice.

Ethan threw something random on the tv and it didn’t take long for us to start making out. Now, this is where I think I was too aggressive. I was DTF in a way I hadn’t been in awhile so I got on top of him and just laid on the “fuck me” make out. He took forever to make his move. Eventually he asked if I wanted to take things upstairs.

When we got there, I’m pretty sure I terrified him because it was clear we just had different styles when it came to the bedroom. Not long into things he went to grab a condom and I made some comment like, “Ohhh we have plenty of other things we can do” and then made him touch me since it didn’t seem like he was going to take the time to work on me.

After some mediocre efforts on his part we finally had sex and it was meh. Really I did most of the work. I brushed it off as it was an initial encounter and he was nervous. But we had sex again shortly after and it was the same shit. NEXT.

We were both busy the week after and couldn’t hang out. Tbh I kinda just wanted him to ghost me or end it since I had a more promising player on the roster. Eventually he asked me out again and I had to break it off. What was weird though was that apparently he also kinda wanted to break it but didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I mean fine but YOU ASKED ME OUT SOOOOO. Pretty sure he was just trying to save face. Nonetheless, it helped make the decision that I was going to focus on one person and stop being a skank.

Encounter #69.2: Air Force

App: Tinder

Name: Colton*

Date Location: Panera Bread

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

Since our first date, Colton and I talked nonstop. Also, things got a little saucier than they were before. Like we were writing each other erotica and having the “What do you like?” conversation. Despite us both being truly disgusting, it never crossed into a creepy or uncomfortable territory. Even though he said filthy shit, it was still respectful if that makes any sense at all.

The plan was I’d meet him on base and then we’d go and get brunch. Gotta be honest, the Air Force base in Massachusetts looks like a 1970s community college. I parked at the house and somehow I ended up inside. Within about 30 seconds we were making out, he picked me up, and carried me to the couch. Hot.

I was a bit hung over so even though the work he was putting down felt great, I needed to eat something. I pumped the brakes and we headed out to brunch.

Now I was told we were getting brunch in Boston. We ended up in Burlington, MA. Not bad, but it’s not Boston. A bit different. The restaurant he wanted to go to was nice but they didn’t do reservations and there was a 40 minute wait. Then we tried 2 more places and they were both closed. This left us with Panera Bread.

He insisted on paying for everything and made a point to be the one to go up and get the food and all that. Any opportunity he had he’d touch me in some way either by holding my hand or having some part of him touch me which I really liked.

Brunch was fine. I was hurting and he had a cross fit competition the day before so we were both a bit dead (more on that later). But once we got some food in us we started to get back to our normal baseline.

On the way home, he gave me a tour of the base and mentioned again that he was looking to leave it. After seeing everything, I didn’t blame him. But, it made it clear that this was probably just going to be a casual thing. It wasn’t ideal but, I also wasn’t opposed to having a little summer fling situation.

We got back to his house and as expected, things started happening upon arrival. He got my clothes off and went to work pretty quickly and it just wasn’t it. I won’t say it was bad but, it wasn’t my vibe. The moves he whipped out were something I’ve only seen in porn. He more or less spread my cooch apart and went in like it was a watermelon. Sir, there is only one spot I need you to work on and you’re everywhere but there. On top of that he was playing with my tits but not in a pleasurable way. It felt like he was trying to pull them off my body. Just no chill. Warm up the car a bit before getting in there.

I asked if I could reciprocate so I made my way to blow him. At this point in time he was completely soft. Okay, he’s the type of person who needs to be actively touched to get hard. That’s fine. I got to work and after about a minute he pulled my head up. I kept jacking him off and 30 seconds later I felt it. My hand was suddenly drenched and was incredibly warm.

I didn’t want him to feel weird or be embarrassed so I didn’t look down. I just kept making out with him and waited for him to say something. He sighed, apologized, and blamed it on being dead from his competition the day before. I mean it happens. I wasn’t going to make it weird. I get it. He wasn’t feeling 100, I was a new person, whatever. I was going to be there a few more hours anyways.

We spent the next few hours cuddled up naked on the couch making out. The conversation just wasn’t there though. I realized that since I got there that morning, he asked me maybe 3 questions and it was a lot of me carrying the team.

Eventually things heated back up again and got better on my end. Still not as good as promised but, it wasn’t horrible. I asked again if I could work on him. This time he lasted 2 minutes. I know my strengths and I know I’m good. I’m not that good though. This was a day for personal records.

We cuddled a little bit longer and then it was time for me to head out. He had to watch his sergeant’s kids and I was just tapped out. He walked me to my car but made no mention of future plans. We kissed and I went on my way. When I got home I sent the “Thank you for having me blah blah blah” text and to my surprise he responded and said he’d want to do it again. We texted here and there in the days after but it just wasn’t the same. He wasn’t nearly as talkative and it just felt forced. The only times he really asked me anything or seemed interested were when things got a little sexy.

I never answered his last text of “hahaha”, and that was the end of that.

Encounter #54.2: Coast Guard

App: Bumble

Name: Jesse*

Date Location: His Place

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

I was a bit disappointed when I didn’t hear back from Jesse. It dug up a lot of weird shit I had been pushing aside and even though I disagreed, he wasn’t entirely wrong that I had a wall up.

I went along with my weekend and everything was going to plan until that Saturday night. My friend and I were drinking on my couch and I saw a text from him come in asking what I was up to. I left it on read. He needed to sweat.

About an hour later he called. I picked up and it came out why he hadn’t talked to me all week. He was being deployed in less than 48 hours. Fuck.

The reason his medical clearance was so crazy was because they were immediately sending him out on a mission. He tried to apply for leave to give himself time to get his house and everything in order but it was denied. So basically he had spent the rest of that week trying to get his shit together and see his family before he left.

We made plans to try to hang out the next day. He obviously had a lot going on so I wasn’t expecting to hear from him. He called me that morning and we talked for about an hour and he kept saying that he would do what he needed to do so we could see each other.

Several hours passed and I thought that was it. I really couldn’t hold it against him. Deployment is a lot to handle. 10:30 pm he called and said he was coming to pick me up. OH SHIT. It’s my time to shine.

I threw on some semi-attractive lazy clothes and made myself look like I hadn’t lived on my couch all day. When he got me, it just felt off. He, understandably, wasn’t as talkative with everything going on but we really didn’t have any banter. What was a 12-minute drive felt like 30.

The house was nice. Garage, hard wood floors, 3 bedrooms, jacuzzi tub, the whole thing. He gave me the tour and as expected, we started making out when we got to his room. Things were promising. He was a decent kisser and as I slid his shirt off I felt how soft his skin was and that he was ripped. Fuego.

Then shit got weird. So at that point we were both naked and standing. He then went behind me to suck on my neck and attempted to finger me. I mean I saw where he was going but, it probably would have worked better as the method to get my clothes off.

He kept going with it and wasn’t being too aggressive so I took the lead. I got him on the bed and started blowing him. To start, he must have rubbed something on himself before I got there because he tasted so strongly of soap and tea tree oil. It was like licking a yoga mat. On top of that, he was SILENT. No moaning, no words, nothing. This was an area I felt confident in so after awhile I kind of just came up for air and figured he was good.

I then asked if he could work on me for a bit and this fucker suggested 69. Ugh. Fine. He wasn’t very good. If I had to describe it, it was like he was trying to suck the meat off a chicken wing. Plus anytime he was doing something good, I’d verbalize it, and then he’d immediately switch to something else. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS.

He randomly stopped so I hopped off and we started fucking. Things were going well. We were finding our rhythm. But then he stopped again.

“Did you cum?”

“No, did you?”

“I am so sorry. I did. It’s been awhile, I’m so sorry!”

We had been having sex less than a minute.

I didn’t know how long it had been for him but based on how embarrassed he was and what I knew about his last relationship, it had to have been in the year+ range.

We made out a bit and snuggled for awhile. He had to pack so he said I could hang out and watch Netflix for a bit while he threw his bag together. I offered to leave. I knew he had a lot to do but he insisted it would be maybe 10/15 minutes.

I curled up on his couch and after 10 minutes it just felt too weird. I went upstairs to say good bye and he called me an Uber which I appreciated. We never spoke again.

And so with that, I saved America by fucking one of their finest. You’re welcome.

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Encounter #41.3: Slow Hands

App: Bumble

Name: Chase*

Date Location: My Apartment

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 16 hours

What Happened:

Despite the cum shot to the eye, I gave Chase another chance. Yes it was a lot to take in for an initial encounter but, Chase was fucking hot and I couldn’t stop thinking about the sex.

Both of us had partied the night before so we decided to hang out together at home. However, I woke up that morning with my period. God damn it. Since he was coming over, I expected sex to happen and thought it would be polite to give him a heads up.

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  1. Apparently “Shark Week” doesn’t translate well to Portuguese
  2. How fucking sweet?

Chase offered to bring food if I supplied booze. I was expecting a small thing to share. Oh no. He brought a TRAY of lobster paella, these tasty ass Portuguese pudding things, cookies, and Portuguese candy that tasted like Reese’s Stix. Holy. Shit. Wow.

We had a nice chat over dinner where I found out he was previously married and going through a divorce. That sounds bad but really, it was a good talk. He was candid with me and they had good reason to end it. When your wife cheats on you and tells you you’re a piece of shit, there’s a good case to be made.

After killing dessert (and a bottle of wine) we moved to the couch to watch some Netflix. As expected, we didn’t watch all that much. Within minutes he had me in the bedroom and got to work. Once again, he was throwing down some great moves. Up, down, leg here, leg there (and no cum shot to the eye).

He was such a confident and strong person that I loved having sex with him. For the first time in months, I didn’t have to think. He took control while I got to be in the moment. We fucked again in the morning before he went home and it was solidified. We were fuck buddies.

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