Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Cool date spot. The decor makes it feel a little sexy with the velvet wallpaper, happy hour is good, beautiful rooftop, and has a gay bar attached.
4.0 Stars – This is a basic ass bar. Nothing crazy. BUT their drinks are dirt cheap.
Date Duration: 5 hours
I had just started using apps again and was being super passive about it. So, I started playing a game on dating apps called, “How Hot Can I Bag” where I would just swipe without reviewing further if I thought the guy was cute. Shitty bio? Fuck it, I’m using you for sex so does it really matter that you watch The Office?
Chase was one of the first winners. His bio was straight shit, clearly copy and pasted from some bullshit website.
Come on. We’re better than that. But, he responded to my weird ass gif pretty quickly and asked me out. Boom. ITS GAME TIME BABY.
He was going to school for a financial certificate but since his program was in Stamford, we were a bit limited on when we could meet up. The only night that worked for both of us was the Tuesday I was getting my Nexplanon implant replaced after work.
This wouldn’t normally be a big deal for most. After all, it’s an outpatient procedure that takes all of 15 minutes. However, I pass out. A lot. When I got the implant put in 3 years ago, I fainted later that day while I was driving since I freaked myself out. Although I wouldn’t be driving, there was a strong chance I would pass out in front of a strange male at a bar. FUCK IT.
I got the procedure done and that shit was rough. I expected a small incision, easily pulling it out, and shooting the new one in. Oh no, they had to squeeze and push it through the incision to get it out. This triggered my fainting REAL QUICK. By some act of God, I managed to stay conscious even though my vision went black for a sec.
So while I walked to the train to head to the bar, I freaked the fuck out. I still felt weird from the procedure and broke into cold sweats. Then I started freaking out because I was about to go out with a boy. This entirely new chapter of my life was about to start in a matter of 20 minutes. Holy. Shit.
I beat him to the bar, got a glass of wine, and gave myself a pep talk. This was happening. I was there. There was no turning back. If it was bad, I could leave and would be home in 15 minutes. I got this.
Chase came in and he was more attractive than his photos. Hot damn. He was from Brazil so we talked a lot about his family, how he settled in New Jersey, and where the best Brazilian food in the area was. We joked about how this was really for him to get a green card and he joked that we could even get married in New Hampshire. DEAD.
Overall though, he wasn’t that funny but he was definitely hot. I don’t remember much about our conversation but, I remember having that moment where we locked eyes and felt the sexual tension in the air. At one point I felt his knee touch mine so I pressed mine a little bit into his to see if it was an accident or not. He didn’t move. It felt like the hottest moment of an 1800’s love story.
We decided to switch bars and while I was in the bathroom he moved everything we ordered to his tab and paid. My bar for standards was on the floor at this point so I was completely shook.
I made a wrong turn when walking to the next bar. As I pulled my phone out to get directions he kissed me and it was perfect. Honestly, probably the best kiss I’ve ever had. His lips were so soft and he knew the exact amount of tongue to use in that moment and where to put his hands. So we ended up making out…a lot. I ran my hands down his back and it was clear that he was in great shape. Also, even his arms were super fucking soft! This motherfucker had to be soaking in cocoa butter or some shit.
We made it to the second bar and he let me cover the first round. We sat in one of the booths and the sexual tension continued. We were holding hands, playing with each others’ fingers with our legs intertwined. Probably every 15/20 minutes we’d have a quick make out.
Eventually it was time to head out. After all, it was a Tuesday for godsake. I went to make the turn for the train but he insisted on driving me home. I was convinced I would die but YOLO. I survived the Nexplanon, I could survive the trip home.
We made out a lot in his car on arrival and he was doing his best to get the invite him upstairs. But he wasn’t asking like any other guy had before. Instead of saying, “let’s take this upstairs”, he said, “I want to explore your body and kiss you all over.” UHM K. HAI. Normally I wouldn’t go for this line but it does have some power when it comes with a Portuguese accent from a hottie.
Despite getting intensely turned on, I wasn’t ready to fuck just yet. This was my first date since everything happened. I needed to chill a bit. So, I offered for him to walk me to my apartment. As soon as we got to the door, we made out extremely heavily and this went on for at least 10 minutes until I finally realized what time it was. I sent Chase on his way and went up to my apartment.
I did it. I got a bit of my groove back.
Hot Girl Summer ended? Time for Thotumn. Ship, Hinge, Bumble, The League, and Tinder. It’s going to be a fucking ride but this time, we’re wearing seatbelts.
So I present to you my 10 Commandments of Dating. I mean they’ll probably go out the window when I’m drunk and desperate but a bitch gotta try.
- Projects cannot becometh relationships
- If thou art not feeling it, fucking leaveth
- If ‘t be true thy date sucks balls, kisseth not that gent to saveth the courtship
- If ‘t be true thou art not excit’d to go out with that gent, fucking cancel
- Nay to sex on the second date
- Thy gent wilt has’t a savings account
- A sir at each moment sayeth what that gent means. Twisteth not to heareth what thee wanteth
- If ‘t be true thee cannot standeth his family, fucking runneth
- Thee cannot beest his sugar mama
Thy gent wilt maketh thee cum
Here goes fucking nothing.
Well, your favorite skank is back.
I know, I really didn’t think I’d be back here either. Jared* and I had something special. We loved each other to a depth I had never thought possible…but sometimes that’s not enough.
I had gone back and forth on if I wanted to write this. For awhile I kind of wanted to keep it private but then I felt like I’d be lying. I was 100% honest about falling in love, it’s only fair to be honest about falling out of it.
So. Here we go. Put on some Adele, pour a glass of wine, and buckle up for the bullshit.
A few things to note:
- It had been a tough year for Jared but things were starting to really turn around at the time of the break up.
- I wanted to get married in the next 4-6 years and he didn’t know what he wanted. Every time the marriage conversation came up, it would end with me sobbing and Jared feeling awful.
With this in mind, I immediately started to panic when I received a text saying we had to have the discussion we were putting off. For 2 hours I sat in my apartment trying not to throw up but when he came up to my door without a bag and the worst face, I knew.
We moved to my room and sat on the bed. No kiss to say hi or anything. He didn’t speak so I said, “Well if you’re going to do it, just get it over with.” He then said, “We need to break up.”
And then my world stopped.
I don’t remember what exactly was said when but, it came down to that he couldn’t give me what I wanted and it wasn’t fair to me. That I deserved someone who put me on a pedestal the same way I did for them and wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. The thing was I never thought I wasn’t getting that.
The main point he kept bringing up was I wanted to get married and he didn’t know if he wanted that too. We had gone to a few weddings and they essentially were the nail in the coffin for our relationship. He saw how excited my friends were to take the next step and how much they loved each other but he didn’t feel the same about me.
Listen buddy. It’s someone’s fucking wedding day. You bet your ass those motherfuckers are going to be excited AF to be marrying each other because they just spent like $30,000 on a god damn party. This is the day where you’re the most in love. You can’t compare your day to day relationship to a couple on their wedding day because you’ll lose every time.
There were a few other things peppered in like we weren’t “100% compatible” and had different senses humor. I mean that’s not true for anyone BUT OKAY.
Still, I begged him to stay and take it all back which wasn’t my best moment. I only wanted to be with him and I was so sure I had found my person. Everything I had wanted up to that point I felt I had and it fucking destroyed me that he didn’t see what I saw.
He held me the whole time as I sobbed and tried to change his mind. He said our relationship “hadn’t progressed forward” and so I doubled down. He was moving in a month and I said I’d get my car, pack it up, and move with him. I didn’t care. Don’t want to get married? Fine. I’d live. He said no.
Probably about an hour into my bullshit I realized that it was truly over. I remember between sobs looking into his eyes and having a moment of clarity. He was done. He was going to leave and I wouldn’t see or speak to him ever again. I’d have to date again. Fuck that noise. Text someone for days, meet up, and be disappointed? NOPE. Then came round two of full out sobbing.
During all this, I heard my roommate in the kitchen while he and I reached the point where we were ready to be done with the sob fest. I didn’t want her to see me looking like a fucking shit show so we laid on the bed and cuddled one last time.
I told him how much I loved seeing him with my family and that’s what made me want babies with him. I just loved him so fucking much I wanted to put more of him in the world. He told me that I was the best girlfriend he ever had and I did everything right…but like apparently not because here I am writing about my god damn break up. BUT I DIGRESS.
He kept saying that I was going to meet someone who would make me so happy. That his psychic/medium mother confirmed it. I just wanted to meet Jared all over again and relive everything. To see his face light up the way it did on our first date. To hug him again while he did the dishes. I wanted all of it.
When we broke up, I asked for him to mail me my things. He said he’d reach out in 2 weeks in case I wanted to meet so I could get closure. That fucking pissed the living shit out of me. I didn’t want to see him. He fucking ruined my life. Stop trying to be the nice guy and own up to the fact that you fucking wrecked me. Also JUST GIVE ME MY SHIT.
By the week 2 mark, I was feeling “fine”. I more of less felt numbed out but I was able to go to work and enjoy time with friends. I walked out the door at lunch for a doctor’s appointment and I saw his name pop up on my phone. Everything went black for a second and I felt my stomach flip.
I probably shouldn’t have said that but god damn, I wanted him to fucking hurt. He knew I wanted to get the fuck out of New Jersey the entire time we were together. If he wanted to really do “the right thing”, he would have dumped me before I renewed my lease.
I sobbed when I got home. Hard. But it was weirdly comforting knowing I got my dig in. I said everything I needed to in less than 10 words.
About a week later, I felt the urge to creep on social media. I typed his name into Facebook and it just listed our mutual friends. When I hit enter I saw it. He deleted me. I went through every other platform and he unfollowed me. I can’t explain it, but that was the last straw. For the most part, I was keeping it together. I would cry myself to sleep but I was doing great at work and if anything, I was doing my job better. I was working out, seeing friends, and on my way to finding my new normal. This undid a lot of that.
It felt so fucking personal. How dare this fucker cut me out AGAIN when I apparently did nothing wrong. I’m sorry that seeing my face gives you hell. It fucking should.
So then I sobbed at work and my boss walked in on it. (Isn’t life grand?) I got home and saw my box of stuff next to the stairwell. Great. It would come in that day. Took it upstairs and opened it up to find a letter sitting on the top. Here we go again.
I read it and started sobbing like someone had died. I was so loud that I was concerned someone would call the cops so I had to get a pillow to muffle it. (#CityLiving) To sum it up, the letter basically said that I was such an incredible support, deserved love, and was an amazing person. That I “would find great love” because I was great love.
I believed everything in that letter was true. I did. But at the same time if everything in it was true, why the fuck would you break up with me? And, why would you send me another emotional mess to clean up?
Like any crazy bitch would do, I texted him and asked him to call me because I had questions. FUCK IT. I held my tongue long enough. I was done with him getting to be “the nice guy”. I was pissed that all this was what he wanted and how it felt like this whole break up was about him and his feelings.
So we talked. And these were the answers I got.
- He wrote the letter because if he was in my situation he felt he would have wanted it but he was sorry that it made things worse.
- He didn’t say those things to me when I gave him the chance to talk because since he wasn’t the one broken up with, he didn’t feel like it was his place to say anything.
- But it was apparently his place to write me a fucking letter?
- If I got anything from the letter, it was to know my worth.
- Once again, if I’m this great why would you let me go?
- Also, I know I’m a damn catch. I don’t need you to tell me so you can feel better about yourself.
- He had been telling himself that he was “doing the right thing” and all that nice guy shit when moments were hard.
- This pissed the living shit out of me
- He also admitted that he too had been crying at work on occasion, still loved me, thought about me every day, and that things had been hard for him.
- Also, what I texted him really hurt.
- I took sick pleasure in knowing that.
- He broke up with me because we had “different goals”. When I asked what mine were he said, “To be a stay at home mom, on a farm, in Maryland”.
- Only 1/3 of that is true
- I apparently joked so much about not working, he really thought that was what I wanted and he didn’t want to live it.
- His goal was, “to take over the world”. Specifics were not identified.
- I lost my shit when I heard this. How can I not be supportive of a goal that hasn’t even been identified?
- It really did bother him that we had different senses of humor. That we didn’t find 100% of the same things funny.
- This also made me lose my shit.
- No couple, ever, finds exactly the same things funny. We all come from different places and have had different experiences. Because of that, some of us are drier, some are darker, some love puns. BUT OKAY YEAH.
- When asked to give more detail he said humor is very important to him and he just had high standards…I TELL JOKES ON STAGE, OWN A FUCKING PUPPET, AND WRITE THIS SMUT FOR ALL YOU FUCKERS. YOU REALLY THINK HUMOR ISN’T REALLY IMPORTANT FOR ME TOO?
- He wasn’t ready for our relationship to be as serious as it was and he didn’t know what he wanted from the beginning.
- He was the one who used the word “boyfriend” first
- I was sitting next to him when he told his brother he wanted to live with me
- We fought over baby names
- He said repeatedly during our relationship that I was the love of his life
- He said I was the only girlfriend he had ever seen a future with
- He had doubts the whole time but really started considering pulling the plug in May.
- My lease ran out in July so I could have moved had this discussion happened earlier
- Our 1-year was in July so we could have avoided all that shit and I’d have some extra money to buy myself more vodka right about now
- It was the marriage thing that did it at the end of the day.
To say I felt weird after that call is an understatement. I had my own theories and ideas and the call confirmed everything. All these things were in his head and it all came down to his own fucking bullshit. On the flip side, despite him trying to say all these things to make me feel better it only dug up my own insecurities. I hadn’t been enough for a lot of different things in my life. I was never thin enough growing up. I wasn’t smart enough in school. And as it turns out I wasn’t funny enough for Jared either. I did everything fucking right and it still wasn’t enough for him to want a future with me.
That was painful.
It took some time to work through that and it’s something I’m still working through. When someone you thought would always be in your corner hurts you like that, it fucks with your ego and it’s been tough to process.
I’ve been asked how I’m doing and truthfully I don’t know. Pretty much every morning I wake up with knots in my stomach, I have trouble falling asleep, my hair has been falling out, and my eating patterns make absolutely no sense.
For the most part I just feel a bit numb and I’m just going through the motions sometimes. When I have a moment to think about everything, I just feel farther and farther from the life I knew. I keep expecting to wake up from all this shit and hear Jared say, “Good morning babe!” as he leans in to kiss me.
As for dating, I’m feeling slightly lost. I’ve been looking inward at my own goals and been questioning if another person can even fit into them right now. At the same time, I feel this crazy internal pressure to get back out there because if I want to have children, I need to be aware of “the clock”. (No joke, every time I watch This Is Us I have an urge to hold a million babies and cry). So right now I’m kind of dating passively. I’m not putting in any more fucking effort than I have to and seeing what the fuck happens.
But during all this shit, a friend told me that when you’re healing there are days that you can only handle being open to it. And that’s okay. Being open is the first step to giving yourself grace and sometimes that’s enough to start big change.
Here I am. Being open to healing with all of you. I don’t know when I’ll be back to my full self, or even what that would look like, but I’m open to seeing where I go from here.
# of Dates: 4
Out of everyone I had met during my time in the NYC-area, Jared was the one I vibed with the most. Not only did we have the same sense of humor, similar views, and food tastes but, he was also the kindest person I had met. (Plus he knew his way around a neck and a puss which definitely helped.)
We just got along and for whatever reason, things felt easy and comfortable. So comfortable that on our fourth date I asked if he would come away with me to Ocean City, MD for our fifth. Things were moving quick but it just felt right to do.
We had a great fucking time on vacation. Not only did we fuck enough to disturb our Airbnb host but, we genuinely enjoyed our time together. We went to Assateague Island and saw wild horses 10 feet away, ate at a crab house, rode a Ferris wheel, ate EVERYTHING, and danced our asses off at Seacrets.
The biggest thing to happen on the trip though was that we became a couple. Two people who are dating. Not talking, not friends with benefits, not seeing each other, not fucking around. Exclusively dating. And I was so happy. As soon as we decided that this was what we wanted we called each other “babe” nonstop because it just felt so good.
When I got dumped 2 years ago I never thought I’d be with someone again and then Connor came into my life for a bit and proved me wrong.
After things with Connor fell through and I moved to NJ I didn’t think I’d meet anyone special. A few showed potential (Looking at you Dan, Khalil, and Reed) but several didn’t make it. Anywhere. Close.
Some of my personal favorite, awesomely bad encounters include:
- A 7-minute Date
- A guy asking that I Venmo him
- Having a hand under my dress and my ass grabbed in public
- A nose to the eye
- And who can forget fucking the dude with no heat or electricity?
Then there were the awkward situations:
- Making out with a 19 year-old
- Hooking up with a guy at a wedding
- EMTs that haunted me
- Meeting a cast member from Grey’s Anatomy
- Making out with an old co-worker after 5 years of sexual tension
- Oh, and a stalker
My “journey” was not what I expected in the least. I never thought I’d go out with over 30 guys and have 40-something dates in a year alone. But it happened. I didn’t think it would be as fun as it was or that I’d meet genuine people. Up until I moved I had only kissed two people and there were a lot of things and people to experience! That said, I also didn’t think it would feel as lonely as it did. Yes I went out with someone nearly once a week but, when only one every few months stands out it can get pretty old. (Like really, who the fuck raised these guys?!)
I started writing and documenting my dates as a way to share my version of the NYC dating experience, create something to remember this period of my life, and get the creative juices flowing again. What it became was something more. The messages of encouragement, positivity, and solidarity which came through were fucking amazing. To know that I was not the only one experiencing weird shit or that I wasn’t really a being a skank made this journey that much better. It has meant so much to me to hear your stories and struggles and it is clear that no matter where you are, what you look like, or who you meet—dating is fucking weird.
Little known fact about me. I LOVE magic (not The Gathering. The bunny out of a hat kind). Like a lot. I feel like it’s one of the few times you get to experience that feeling of childhood wonder at any age and I can never figure out how the tricks are done. I had previously dated a guy who could do the BS close up magic and I would shit myself in excitement every time.
For my day job, we were hosting an event and hired a magician. No joke, this was my best day ever. Not only did I get to eat and drink for free before, the show had drag queens, one of the drag queens did all these songs I used to cover, AND THERE WAS A FUCKING MAGICIAN WHO WAS CUTE.
Even though it was my best day, no one else seemed as excited. The theatre could seat 200+ and there were maybe 30 attendees. Intimate AF show. He called for a volunteer, I shot my hand up, and he called me up. I can’t explain what happened next but I started crying because I was so happy. Then he asked me who my favorite magician was and I blurted, “ANDREW J. PINARD. HE’S FANTASTIC AND USED TO WORK AT NEWICK’S.” (Newick’s was a seafood restaurant in NH my family went to. The closest one to us closed 15+ years ago. I have seen him perform since and it is fucking magical!)
Mack did the trick and my mind was fucking blown. How did he guess my card? How did he slide my card up through a drawing of a card deck? Why doesn’t the paper have a slit? HOLY SHIT.
He signed the paper he drew on and I went back to my seat. After the show, my friend told me that she went to school with him and that I should hit him up since she thought he was single. I brushed it off.
Well, I got drunk a week later and thought FUCK IT. I followed him on Instagram. It didn’t take long for him to follow me back and he liked a photo from New Years Eve. It was fucking May. I got drunk again a week later and slid into his DMs.
Well shit! We kept messaging back and forth and he mentioned that he didn’t receive our annual publication. I put one in an envelope with a post-it saying “Enjoy!” and sent his way. I got a little ballsy and messaged him to go out for drinks some time as well.
He messaged me when he got the mail and gave me shit for my note because I “could be cuter”. I wrote a quick thank you note and sent it over.
Things got more and more flirtatious.
He apparently creeped my ass pretty hard. He saw all my old ventriloquism photos. Then things got even saucier.
But then he would ghost and randomly come back from the dead.
Then he’d message me again, get saucy, and cut out.
I didn’t hear from him for weeks. Then he zombied back.
DOUBLE MESSAGE? Interesting. I did notice a pattern though. It was almost always a Friday/Saturday night. At least one, if not both of us would be traveling. And, he always left the conversation hanging. I did some creeping. He had been dating this girl for a long ass time and there was no clear indicator that they broke up. My friend was friends with him on Facebook and said he wasn’t in a relationship. Here’s the thing. I found her Instagram. It was private but her profile photo was a pic of the 2 of them. CURIOUS.
I had started seeing someone regularly so it didn’t feel right to respond anymore. That didn’t go over so well.
He’s not the only one who can disappear.