Encounter #41.3: Slow Hands

App: Bumble

Name: Chase*

Date Location: My Apartment

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 16 hours

What Happened:

Despite the cum shot to the eye, I gave Chase another chance. Yes it was a lot to take in for an initial encounter but, Chase was fucking hot and I couldn’t stop thinking about the sex.

Both of us had partied the night before so we decided to hang out together at home. However, I woke up that morning with my period. God damn it. Since he was coming over, I expected sex to happen and thought it would be polite to give him a heads up.

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  1. Apparently “Shark Week” doesn’t translate well to Portuguese
  2. How fucking sweet?

Chase offered to bring food if I supplied booze. I was expecting a small thing to share. Oh no. He brought a TRAY of lobster paella, these tasty ass Portuguese pudding things, cookies, and Portuguese candy that tasted like Reese’s Stix. Holy. Shit. Wow.

We had a nice chat over dinner where I found out he was previously married and going through a divorce. That sounds bad but really, it was a good talk. He was candid with me and they had good reason to end it. When your wife cheats on you and tells you you’re a piece of shit, there’s a good case to be made.

After killing dessert (and a bottle of wine) we moved to the couch to watch some Netflix. As expected, we didn’t watch all that much. Within minutes he had me in the bedroom and got to work. Once again, he was throwing down some great moves. Up, down, leg here, leg there (and no cum shot to the eye).

He was such a confident and strong person that I loved having sex with him. For the first time in months, I didn’t have to think. He took control while I got to be in the moment. We fucked again in the morning before he went home and it was solidified. We were fuck buddies.

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Encounter #41.2: Slow Hands

App: Bumble

Name: Chase*

Date Location: Grove Corner Bar & Taqueria Downtown – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review:  3.0 Stars – Classic sports bar. Cheap pitchers of beer during games, tvs everywhere, and dark wood.

5.0 Stars – Taqueria is the tits. One marg will fuck you up, tacos are delicious, and the service is pretty quick.

Date Duration: 8 hours

What Happened:

In the time since our first date, I had already made an ass of myself. We were supposed to hang out one weekend but I was too hung over to move because of previous exploits the night before then later that weekend I got tanked at a wedding and drunk texted him. For whatever reason, he was still interested and we met up on a night that neither of us had to take classes.

The bar I originally picked was slammed so we found the closest one that had seating. It was a sports bar in the middle of a Yankee game so we made it work. We had a few pitchers of beer and as we crushed the second I asked what he wanted to do. Stay here or check somewhere else out? He said, “I mean we could go back to your place.” I MEAN IF YOU INSIST.

He was hungry and I was nervous so I roped him into getting tacos. On the walk over, he put his arm around my waist which was oddly sweet. I wasn’t expecting that at all. We got in and fucking went in on those tacos. Holy fuck. I cannot say enough good things about the lamb ones. Fuck me up.

We ate. Drank. And then it was time. He called the Uber to my place and within minutes of being in the apartment things happened. Chase knew exactly what he was doing. His make outs were on point, he had me against the wall, and took the time to make sure I was feeling good. I was shocked. When we moved to the bed he made a point to go down on me and damn, it was good. When he came up for air, I reached down to reciprocate some of his efforts and he was huge. I don’t know why I was surprised. He was pretty tall and had a broader build so it made sense but you just don’t know until you’re in the moment.

We started fucking and it was mind blowing. He clearly worked out because he was pulling me up and throwing me down no problem. What really got me though was how we connected so easily. Normally the first time is kind of awkward and you’re both figuring each other out. This was like birthday sex level good…well until the inevitable awkward happened.

I had drank quite a bit and he was packing. So when we switched to him behind me there was a ton of pressure on my bladder. I didn’t necessarily want to stop but, I was ready for him to finish up. I turned to him and asked, “What can I do to get you off?” Easy. Simple question. He responded with, “I want to cum on your face and shove it in your ass…don’t worry, we’ll save that second part for later.”

Ummmm. Wow. Okay, coming in hot there.

I felt like Jim from The Office staring into the camera. I was expecting literally any other answer. “Suck me off”, “Keep doing that”, “Put your leg here”. Anything. This felt a bit bold for an initial encounter.

It was a lot but, I believed I could blow him and finish things a little quicker. He laid down and I got to work. Then he said, “Get down” and threw a pillow on the floor. Before I knew it he was standing above me and it happened. He came in my eye.

Chase was one of those guys that as soon as he finished, he passed the fuck out. So while he flopped on the bed exhausted, I was left on the floor trying find tissues in the dark with only one functional eyeball.

I was a bit annoyed. It’s not that I really cared that he finished on my face but, I do think that when you blow a load all over someone you have to help clean your mess. It’s only fair.

Although he pulled a party foul, he had a moment of redemption. We were laying there, started making out a bit, and I made some comment about getting me off. He quickly went to work. Cool with vibrators? Awesome. Let’s party.

He left not long after which was fine with me. We texted here and there over the weekend while I was away.

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But like I said, Taqueria is really fucking good.

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Encounter #44.1: Finance Guy

App: Tinder

Name: Jim*

Date Location: Pint – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – This is a basic ass bar. Nothing crazy. BUT their drinks are dirt cheap.

Date Duration: 22 hours

What Happened:

In a continuation of “How Hot Can I Bag”, I stumbled on Jim’s profile. Physically, he looked like a straight douche but his bio was promising.

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Within minutes he messaged me and the conversation was so damn quick and witty.

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Shocked. An attractive guy in finance with a sense of humor? Shooketh.

We quickly made plans and the date was set. I beat him to the bar and started to sweat. Less attractive guys who vaguely looked like his photos kept walking by, one was clearly looking for someone, and I prayed it wasn’t me. Finally, he showed up and looked exactly like his pics. Tall, dark features, fit, Italian AF. Perf.

We started drinking and the conversation just flowed. We liked a lot of the same things and had identical taste in television and music. British Bake Off, Jersey Shore, “Cyclone”, and Celine Dion? This couldn’t be real.

We drank quite a bit. He found out doubles were only $5 and we drank like college freshmen. We started making out and as the drinks went down it got more and more intense. Finally, I asked if he wanted to come back with me on the condition we wouldn’t fuck. I had too many successful dates in a row. I learned my lesson, the world would have struck me back down if we had sex.

While I changed into comfy clothes he turned on Jersey Shore. Boy after my heart. I ordered pizza and we made out while we waited. When the pizza arrived, we curled up on the couch and watched our favorite nonsense.

About one episode in, things heated up and the clothes came off. We moved to my room and hooked up. He was a bit different than what I encountered before. To start, ripped. Wow. No idea how that agreed to come home with me.

He was also very into blowjobs. I shit you not, this fucker came twice in no time and was all about the swallowing. Tbh, I was quite proud of myself since the last time I attempted to swallow I was 17, it came up like a volcano, and I ended up spitting on my high school boyfriend’s stomach. MEMORIES. This time? Success.

His game was inconsistent. On one end, he knew exactly how to finger a woman, where to kiss me, and was completely fine with incorporating vibrators. On the other, this motherfucker didn’t go down on me. Bitch, I swallowed yo babies. Reciprocate, asshole.

He was a snuggly sleeper though and I really appreciated that. Since the break up, I had been craving physical touch to the point I would arrange my pillows along my back to make it feel like someone was spooning me when I slept. (Recently been informed that this is fucking weird). I loved feeling someone’s body heat and having all the skin to skin contact in the world.

I also had nightmares that night so that was cool. On occasion, after a night of drinking I’ll have realistic dreams and they have been known to get intense. Of course, they happened when I had Jim in my bed. He was cool about it. When we talked about it the next morning he said he was convinced that when I shot up, I had sobered up, realized he was in my bed, and was going to kick him out.

After we hooked up again in the morning, I expected him to leave but he asked if we could get breakfast. We went to the bagel shop around the corner and brought it back to the apartment. For the next 6 hours we were curled up on the couch watching Community and napping. (Side note: This was the point I noticed that he had the facial features of a caveman. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it).

He had to meet friends and we stayed in touch pretty regularly for the most part. However, I was getting annoyed. We kept talking and talking but he didn’t ask me out again. I kept setting the runway for him to ask and he was either blind to it or was swerving real hard.

It became clear that he really just wanted to sext with me. That’s cool and all but, you know what’s more fun than sexting me? Fucking.

After not hearing from him for 5 days and seeing he unmatched me on Tinder, a text from Jim came in and he was being a pain in the ass. It went from just talking shit about football to being kind of aggressive. Somehow, I managed to flip things around and the sexting began. This time, I wasn’t putting in the work. I got his ass to write out EVERYTHING. When it was my turn to reciprocate, I said I had just taken an Advil PM and was falling asleep.

Truly a legend that will be passed on to my children.

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Brooklyn Babe: UPDATE

App: Hinge

Name: Khalil*

# of Dates: 3

Recap:

Khalil and I went out on 3 dates. The first went down as one of my best dates. He brought me chocolate from one of my favorite coffee shops, we saw an accordion player, and it ended with us making out aggressively in a Lyft. The second, we fucked. A lot. The third, fucked more. But then after cancelling on me to take a nap (the third time cancelling in 1 week), I didn’t answer either of his texts.

Update:

Nearly 2 months after he had blown me off to take a nap, LOOK WHAT CAME IN.

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Way to not answer the question.

I didn’t know what to do. On one hand, I really wanted to get laid. Like bad. On the other, I found him to be super annoying. Sure, I’ll have sex with you but don’t expect to have any form of conversation. (Also, I think the conversation ship had sailed).

Hope you’re enjoying all the naps in the world, Khalil.

Encounter #21.3: Brooklyn Babe

App: Hinge

Name: Khalil*

Date Location: Mills Tavern (Hoboken) and Johnny Rockets

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Honestly I have no idea why I go to Mills. There’s nothing particularly special about it except that it’s easy to find

3.5 Stars– Mediocre food. Has a classic diner atmosphere and bomb ass shakes though

Date Duration: 16 hours

What Happened:

After flaking on me twice in three days, Khalil took it upon himself to make it up to me by suggesting a NJ date. He had me pick the spot and was really overcompensating for flaking as much as he did.

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I met him at the bar and he apologized again for bailing on me. We covered the normal small talk, he kept complimenting me on how good I looked, and did all the right things to physically say he liked me. I loved how he would keep his arm on the back of my chair, rest his hand on my knee, and take my hand. It had been a long time since I felt like “someone’s girl”, as stupid as that sounds. Really, one of the things I missed most about being in a relationship was the physical contact outside of sex. There is something to be said about being touched in a way that makes you feel important.

After we had a few drinks he suggested we head across the street for some milkshakes since he knew I loved them so much. We crushed our shakes and some cheese fries and while we walked out I asked if he had ever seen the skyline from Hoboken. By far, it’s one of, if not the best, view of NYC so we walked over to the pier.

On the walk over he had his hand around my waist and held my hand because it was so fucking cold. When we got to the edge of the pier, he pulled me into his side as we stared at the skyline. Then he turned to me, brushed my hair out of my face, and kissed me. HOT DAMN. Then per usual we were making out and I asked him to come back to my place. He agreed.

Side note: Let’s be real. We both knew we were going to fuck. So I have no idea why we wasted our time going out beforehand.

Within about 5 minutes of being in my apartment we were making out on the couch and ripping clothes off. I threw some Trap Nation on and we did our thing—fucking nonstop.

Things were better this time. I knew what to expect, he knew my body a little bit better so it wasn’t as painful or shocking as the first time. It was slightly weirder though. I’m not opposed to dirty talk but I really don’t like a lot of it. To me, it feels like I’m in a shitty porn and it doesn’t add anything more to the experience. However, Khalil was very into it (and kind of bad at it). The word “pussy” should be used sparingly. In the way people hate the word “moist”, the word “pussy” makes me cringe. That was his go to word. “Your pussy feels so good. Do you realize how amazing your pussy is? Your pussy tastes so good. Pussy pussy blah blah blah pussy” If he just replaced the words “your pussy” with “you” it would have been about 5 million times less awkward and actually more genuine. But he stuck to his guns and also said mid-sex, “Your body is amazing. I love how thick you are.” UHM. NEVER CALL A WOMAN THICK TO HER FACE LET ALONE WHILE YOU’RE HAVING SEX. I spend a lot of time trying to not be considered “thick” so yes, thank you for bringing that up.

If that wasn’t enough, later that night between rounds we were talking about turn ons and what we looked for physically. He said a thick or curvier woman while he slid his hand down my side. OKAY SIR. I GET IT I NEED TO HIT THE GYM. I know it was meant as a compliment but when you spend so much time trying to rid yourself of that look, it doesn’t feel great. Also I’m a size 6/8 jean and wear medium shirts. I don’t think that would necessarily count as “thick”.

I made a mistake with Khalil. We were talking about our sexual chemistry and I made a comment along the lines of, “This never happens. No one ever makes it to my apartment let alone a third date.” So now he thought he was special or some shit. Then he said, “Well I can’t wait for our fourth date, and the one after that, and the one after that.”

Here’s the thing. After that night, I made the decision that we were only going to be sex friends. I liked spending time with him, he was smart, interesting, and all that but he couldn’t really make me laugh. We had different senses of humor and I kind of found his to be annoying. He was so sexy when he would talk about his career and other things he had done but oh my god, I wanted to wring his neck whenever he tried to be funny. Also, when describing him to others I would say “He’s fine.” Fine is not the word to describe someone you want to seriously date.

He asked me when he could see me again and we picked Friday of that week. There was a bar in Hoboken I really liked for weekends and he wanted to check it out. Since he had already flaked on me twice before, I texted him at lunch asking if we were on and he responded, “On like Donkey Kong” and we decided to meet at 9.

A half hour before he was supposed to meet me he asked if he could push it back by an hour…to take a nap.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm, kay.

I figured it would be a wash at that point so I changed out of my cute outfit and hot underwear into bum clothes, headed to McDonald’s to get a McFlurry, and parked my ass on the couch. While I was rage eating fries (the ice cream machine was broken) this fucker called me.

“Heyyy what are you up to?”

“Nothing. I’m chilling on my couch eating fries in my comfy clothes. You?”

“That sounds dope. I still haven’t left my bed. …Do you still want to do something tonight?”

“I’m not making you come to NJ to sit on my couch with me.”

“I feel so bad but Jersey is soooo far. I’m just so tired. What are you doing tomorrow?”

“I have to work.”

“Sunday?”

“I already have plans.”

“Oh. Okay, I don’t want to get in the way of your plans. Sorry again, have a good night.”

He texted me the next day and then the week after that.

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Yeahhhh I’m never going to be free. He cancelled on me 3 times and one was for a damn nap. BYE.

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