Encounter #30.1: Leprechaun Pride

App: Tinder

Name: Sam*

Date Location: Blind Tiger

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Despite the fact that the happy hour drinks were cheap, the reviews online were great, and the atmosphere was cool AF; the service was terrible so I only got to have 1 of those cheap happy hour drinks

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

When I saw Sam on tinder, my first thought was, “Damnnnnnn. Imma do some dirty shit to this fucker”. He looked really cute (especially with his shirt off) and gave the vibe that he was a half decent person. Low and behold, he messaged me and we chatted away.

We had a lot in common. Not only did we like the same shows and music but, he was moving to a block from where I worked, grew up in a similar town, did Crossfit,  was looking for a relationship, and had a similar family structure to mine since his oldest sister was gay. HOT DAMN.

I was excited to say the least. The past few dates I had been on weren’t great and it was refreshing to meet someone who shared similar values. After some research online, I picked a bar that was close to my train in case I hated him but once coming up into the city I forgot something very important. It was pride weekend and I just picked a spot in the neighborhood where all the festivities were happening.

After weaving through thousands of people (and apparently walking past Lady Gaga) I beat Sam to the bar. I waited and stared at every guy who walked by hoping he would be my date. Then I saw this shorter guy and though, “Ohh no”. It was Sam. And he looked way better in photos. FUCK. Alright, this may be fine, he wasn’t terrible looking. Then he opened his mouth to introduce himself and he sounded like a leprechaun who huffed helium. Shit.

Overall the date wasn’t terrible. I did have the best grilled cheese of my damn life. But I didn’t feel the connection. The conversation was choppy and there was never a moment where I thought, “Wow, I want to do this again.” Since I’m the worst, we ended up staying out for 4 hours. It wasn’t a bad time, definitely better than sitting on my couch by myself, but nothing to rave about.

He walked me to the train then again to the next train since one station was closed for Pride. It was nice of him and I kind of got the vibe that he was into me more than I was him. We hugged before parting ways and I could tell he had the best body under that t-shirt. DAMN IT WHY WAS HIS VOICE SO ANNOYING. We never spoke again. Back to the drawing board.

tenor.gif

Encounter #28.1: Deep Throat

App: Hinge

Name: Roberto*

Date Location: Pier 13 and Texas Arizona – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Bomb ass sangria that will get you drunk, beautiful views, and fun atmosphere

3.5 Stars –  Tasty apps, decently priced drinks, near the main strip of bars, and close to the PATH train so you can make an escape

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

Roberto was not what I usually went for. He was clearly into sports, fitness, and shit while I like to lay on my couch with a bottle of wine. But he opened by saying he was a Patriots fan SO WE ALL KNOW HOW I RESPONDED. Plus he answered the question, What if I told you that… on his profile with, “I didn’t know what the “being exclusive” in a relationship was until I moved here. Where I come from if you are dating you are exclusive but ok.” I related so hard. NYC is a shitshow when it comes to dating and it was refreshing to find someone with a similar view.

He was clearly a nice guy. He offered to come to Hoboken since it was closer to me and truly just wanted me to be comfortable. He beat me there and as soon as I found him I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. The “Fuckkk you’re going to want to leave in 5 minutes” feeling. I honestly don’t know what prompted it. I don’t know if it was because his energy level seemed low or that right off the bat we were sitting in silence. I just had a feeling this wasn’t going to work.

Roberto was a slightly interesting guy. He grew up in the Dominican Republic, did engineering, was close to his sisters, and played ultimate Frisbee competitively. (It also helped that he was built like a man. Super tall, broad ass shoulders, more of a bulked up muscular body. I like looking like a tiny human next to a guy so this was welcomed.) That said, we had different values. Once again my family came up and he made a comment that being gay is a choice. UHMMMMMM K. Everyone has an opinion. That one just doesn’t work with me. We finished our beers and he offered to get sangria. So I got drunk and agreed to go with him to another bar so he could get food. Damn it.

We chatted while we waited for food and he tried a PBR for the first time so that was fun to watch. He was clearly much more into me than I was him. He made some comment that he could see himself commuting to NJ for me every week. Slow down buddy, I just met you. Then it happened. We kissed. And really, it started out fine. Then after we took a break he had nothing to say so just kept saying in the most patronizing tone, “Ohh you’re just so cute.” Shut up.

I waited with him in the bar for his train and when it was 10 minutes out he held my hand and we walked outside so I could call my Lyft. We kissed again but this time we made out. Actually, I pretty much ended up deep throating his tongue. No bueno. Like this shit was aggressive. I was dry drowning.

He stood behind me with his arms wrapped around me and kissing my neck while I was on the phone with my Lyft driver. The boy can’t kiss but damn, solid hugs. I got into the car and the next day we texted a few times and I apologized for keeping him out so late. He texted me something along the lines of, “If being tired means hanging out with you late nights, I want to be tired at work more often.”

Yeahhh, we got to end that. Nagasaki’ed.

source.gif

Encounter #27.1: Artsy Fartsy

App: Hinge

Name: Morgan*

Date Location: Abba Bar &Grill and some radom ass taco place

Location Review:  2.0 Stars – Despite the fact that the happy hour drinks were cheap, the reviews online were great, and the atmosphere was cool AF; the service was terrible so I only got to have 1 of those cheap happy hour drinks

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Once again, I agreed to a date just on the basis that the guy was a Patriots fan from Massachusetts. Morgan was from a town by where my uncle lived and we had a decent banter leading up to the date so I figured that I had nothing really to lose.

Morgan rolled up to the bar and he was cute. I could bench him and he was artsy fartsy, but he had a really nice face. Things started pretty normal. We went over the classic first date things and then there was a moment where I realized he had been talking nonstop and really didn’t ask me anything. He asked one question on how I learned ventriloquism and that was about it for the time we were at the bar.

I instead found out all about acting school, film school, his former roommates, his depression, personality quirks, oh and that he’s still not over the fact a girl from high school “cheated” on him. (She did shitty stuff but it didn’t seem to me that they were actually dating and it happened right at the beginning of whatever their situation was.)

I wanted to go home but he asked if I wanted pizza. Fuck. You got me. We ended up going to a Mexican place instead and split some nachos. When we were there I asked him what his online dating experience was like. It wasn’t good. He said that he pretty much swiped right on every girl on tinder, gets ghosted a lot, and had no idea why. HONEY. You unleash everything in the first 10 minutes and don’t show interest in the other person. Makes complete sense to me.

He did walk me to the train which was nice and for once I got out of a date without a make out. We hugged, I got on the train, umatched, and blocked.

tenor.gif

Encounter #26.1: Not. Fine.

App: Hinge

Name: Randall*

Date Location: Mr. Purple

Location Review:  2.0 Stars – Overrated AF. The view is fantastic but it will cost over $30 for 2 drinks.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Randall and I didn’t talk too too much leading up to the date (may have convinced him to quit his job though) but he seemed pretty normal for the most part. He did ask pretty early on why I was on Hinge and how long I had been single but he also said he wasn’t one for small talk so I let it go. He would have found out one way or another.

After some back and forth, he settled on a spot. First we were going to Mr. Purple, then he wanted me to go with him to his company happy hour (weird), then he quit his job so he thought it would be weird to go (but not weird to bring a first date), so we decided on Mr. Purple…again.

This place was bougie and overrated AF. I had tried going the week prior but the line was fucking ridiculous. It was one of those spots that you should really only go to for one drink and an Instagram photo. Aside from the view, there was not much else going on. The drinks were expensive and it didn’t seem like it could easily flip to give room for dancing. So you just drink and soak up your rich friend’s awesomeness or whatever.

He was attractive. In shape, nice eyes, muscular. But then he opened his mouth and I wanted to kill him. Off the bat he asked me what my deal breakers were. I said if someone doesn’t share the same political views. I explained that I come from a more “modern family”, I’m liberal AF, and it would be difficult to bring someone in to my life who doesn’t agree with my values. He then went on to say that being gay is a choice, he chose to be straight because he is acting on his own desires, but then back tracked to say that being gay is totally fine and people can’t help it. K.

Then he went on a long ass tangent on guns that made no damn sense, said he didn’t agree with Black Lives Matter, Obama wasn’t that great, and Trump “isn’t that bad”. It’s not necessarily wrong to have these views but, don’t try to tell me you’re on the same page as me politically and then come up with all that.

He also thought he was much smarter/more important than he was. Because he was in the navy, he started college a little later. He said his professors were astounded that he knew about the recession and all this other stuff because he was 24 taking classes. Really? Calm yourself. I’m sure they weren’t all that amazed and it wasn’t that big a deal. I’m 2 years younger than you and I also know about that shit. YOU AINT SPECIAL.

Randall made it clear that he was looking for something serious and wanted to settle down. Thing is I didn’t think he knew what that meant. He said he knew what it took to be a great boyfriend. Uhmmm, he only had one major relationship which lasted 5 months. He also made some comment like, “You seem like you’re looking for something serious. I feel like you make a good girlfriend.” YA. I was only in a relationship for 6 years and 4 of those years were long distance, I’ve been single awhile, and have dated every asshole in a 10-mile radius. I’m not new to this rodeo.

Every time Randall spoke it reminded me of a boy who wanted so badly to be a man if that makes sense. He wanted to seem so suave, confident, and worldly but really he was a boy spitting out hot air. We talked about “the window” when you’re on a date. Like the moment you kiss. He asked how I knew if there was a window or not and I said something like, “If you have to wonder if the window is open or if you missed it, it probably wasn’t open in the first place. When you’re vibing with someone you just know when the moment is right and you don’t have to think.” He then grilled me on if he had missed his window with me. At this point, I just wanted to fuck with him and said that he had a clear shot earlier when we were standing outside. (It was sunset, slight breeze, he may have been annoying but it was romantic.)

He was bothered that I wasn’t 100% into him and then tried to make it SO CLEAR he was into me. He pulled my chair to be closer to him, put his hand on my knee, held my hand, put his arm on my chair with his hand on the back of my neck, and then we kissed. He was a good kisser, but then he would talk and it would be all over.

Randall and I covered sex that night. He was apparently “very good” because he could move his hips separately from the rest of his body, his oral game was strong, had a body count over 60, and he (allegedly) had a 9 inch dick. Thank you. Needed all that on the first date. Oh, and I forgot to mention that HE DOESNT USE CONDOMS AND LIKES TO FINISH INSIDE A GIRL. Okay, just asking to get a girl pregnant. He felt like you only use a condom with a girl you’re not serious with. No. No. No. I brought up that for me it’s non-negotiable. Pregnancy and STDs are a thing and my life has been pretty great so far without either.

The clincher for Randall was in our last hour or so together. We kissed already. Fine it happened. Then he started planning our lives together. He wanted to be “a power couple like Jay-Z and Beyonce” and maybe one day he could meet my parents. He could show me the world of rooftop bars, little black dresses, and fine dining while I would show him the world of dive bars and farming. (No joke. That was said.) He went to the bathroom and asked if I’d come with him. No? I don’t want to hook up in a public bathroom with you. When he got back we kissed again but he got more aggressive. He grabbed my ass (fine), started feeling me up and commented that he could feel that I was wearing nice underwear (less fine), slid his hands under my dress to continue to feel up my ass (not so fine), then smacked my ass. NOT. FINE.

It was time for me to go. He asked how I was getting home. I said that I was taking the PATH train back home. By myself. And he would take his train back home to his place. By himself. Randall said he “wouldn’t expect anything less”. He then threw in that he was going to stay because a friend was meeting him but not to worry, he wouldn’t talk to any girls. I mean I was leaving to get drunk and try to make out with more boys. But whatever helps you sleep at night, Randall.

Within 5 minutes of leaving he sent a text saying “I had a great time tonight!” I left him on read. The next day I figured it was time to send “the text”. I unmatched him on Hinge, crafted my message, sent it, then immediately blocked him. He had read receipts on. Motherfucker saw that text IMMEDIATELY after I sent it. He had an iPhone so there was always the possibility a message would come through on iMessage on my laptop. Fortunately, the coast was clear and I was reminded to block THEN text.

tenor

Situation #8.1: The Coworker

Name: Elijah*

Date Location: Miriam Restaurant Brooklyn Museum

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Super crowded for brunch. His food wasn’t too flavorful or anything to ride home about but I loved my bacon, egg, and cheese on a croissant.

5.0 Stars – Super affordable, not one of those museums where you feel like a privileged asshole, nice exhibits

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Elijah and I were former coworkers with a slight history. Nothing ever happened between us because I had a boyfriend at the time and our company was not one for coworkers to date. That said, I had always felt like there was something between us. Even if it was small. There’s no particular instance to reference but I remember him caring more than he should have about me. He would text me almost daily, we would eat dinner together fairly regularly, had deep conversations, and I did go up to his apartment once to cook him some of my family’s food. (Granted I got weirded out and made some of my other coworkers come over as a buffer.) It all sounds like regular friend stuff but there was something different about the way he would go about it.

He was a really attractive guy and I would joke all the time to my friends about him. “Ohh you know if I was single I’d hit that…“, “UGH. Elijah is so hot…”, “He can get it!” By the time we both left our positions I had moved back to NH to be with my then boyfriend and he moved abroad.

Once in awhile he would slide into my DMs. We would chat a little but no major conversations were had. Then, he let me know that he was coming to NYC and wanted to catch up. OH HOT DAMN. We compared schedules and the day was set.

Going in I had no idea what to expect. Not only was I hung over as shit to the point that life felt like an out of body experience, I looked like a one night stand with my hair from the night before, and I had limited contact with him for the past 3 years. WAS THIS A DATE OR JUST FRIENDS? FUCKKKK.

Elijah strolled up while I was sitting on a curb trying not to puke my brains out. He looked hot AF. We hugged and took our seats for brunch. Since I was trying not to puke I basically was company for Elijah while he ate. We caught up on life and I really had no idea where the day was going to go. At one point he looked up, smiled at me, said “I’m really happy I got to see you”, and touched my leg. A bug was flying close by so I wasn’t sure how to gauge that leg thing. But shit. That smile. DAYUM.

It was such a beautiful day that we met my friend for a walk in the park. She dropped us off at the Brooklyn Museum and we worked out way through the exhibits (and a lot of vagina art).

At one point he made a comment of, “Oh I know what you’ve been up to. I won’t lie. I kind of stalk you on Instagram.” OKAY ELIJAH. We took a few selfies and I felt as if his body was closer to me than normal. But then again he was about 80 feet tall so he probably had to be that close since I was so short. Every time we approached a door, he opened it and guided me through ahead of him with his hand on the small of my back. Then later on he was taking photos but since we had a Facebook chat going my profile picture was pulled as an icon on the side of the screen. He said something along the lines of, “Now every time I take a picture I get to look at your sexy legs.” Maybe this was a date?

We went through a few of the exhibits and high fived. Then instead of letting my hand drop by my side, he held it. OH. SHIT. I WAS ON A DATE. My stomach had butterflies and everything. While staring at an old tv he came up behind me, rested his chin on my shoulder, pressed his face into my neck, and I felt his entire body envelope me. It sounds ridiculous, but it had been awhile since I was touched in such an affectionate way. In a way that didn’t feel transactional or as a step to something else and was so genuine. I was so happy.

We left the museum holding hands and we walked to a park nearby. He had his arm around me on the bench while I ate my sandwich left over from brunch then we just sat there chatting and taking in everything. I had forgotten just how kind and smart he was.

His brother was in Bryant Park and it was about time I dragged my ass back to NJ so we took the train back to Manhattan together. On the way to the train station, we had our arms around each other as we walked and when he would lean in to look at the photos I took on the way he would stand close with his hand on my back. On the train it continued. We were both holding onto the overhead bars and he pulled me into him before holding my hand again.

We reached our station where we both had change overs. We hugged and the whole time I wondered if he was going to do it. Would we finally kiss? After 5 years of tension, HE FUCKING DID IT. ELIJAH KISSED ME. And oh my goodness it was good. So soft. Right amount of suction. Just enough tongue. Then we went our separate ways.

I knew it would never work between us. He lived abroad, I don’t do long distance, and it was just one day. But it restored my hope in humanity. For so long I had questioned if my standards were too high, I was being too picky, these guys I had been going out with were fine, and I was just looking for a problem. I was so sick of being treated like an after thought and here Elijah was genuinely making me feel like I was the only person who mattered in that moment. I needed to know that still existed and I don’t think he’ll ever know just how much I needed that day with him.

Will-Phone-Happy.gif

Encounter #24.2: Strong Island

App: Hinge

Name: Antonio*

Date Location: The Keg Room

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Tasty apps, plenty of beer, has those really big windows that open so you can watch the people on the street.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

For one reason or another, I decided to give Antonio another shot. Leading up, I got the vibe that we were both a little disappointed in each other. We went from texting constantly to only a few times a day, he would always be the one to start the conversation, and the jokes just weren’t rolling. But I did make out with him the last time we went out and said to his face that I wanted to go out again so I had to follow through.

One thing that irked me was his planning. Once again he asked me out, picked the date, and could not take the time to just pick a goddamn bar. Really. It’s not hard. Yelp makes things incredibly easy. I found a bar by our train stations and sent the info over. An hour or 2 before we were going to meet he asked me where we were meeting. DA FUQ. Boy, we just went over this. If you needed the address just google the damn thing yourself.

Overall, nothing noteworthy really happened. We ate, I drank, the usual. A family friend was in the area so I had to leave to meet him a few blocks down. Antonio walked me over and when I got to my destination we made out. It was kind of sweet. I had my wallet in my hand but managed to drop it mid-kiss and we both started laughing then made out more.

Then he left and I was fine. I didn’t get the post-make out glow. But once again my dumb ass agreed to going out again in person. We kept texting here and there, much less than before. Then one morning I woke up to a series of texts.

1819

Ain’t even mad.

giphy.gif