Tag: New Jersey

Encounter #64.1: Flight Attendant

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App: Hinge

Name: Cody*

Date Location: Jersey City Waterfront

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

I had been chatting with Cody on Hinge for weeks and it was just so easy. He was very funny, sharp, and knew how to keep a conversation moving. It also helped that he was from the midwest and was about 33 so he wasn’t a complete douche.

Cody lived a few towns over from me in NJ and in non-COVID times, was a flight attendant. He knew some pretty obscure 90s references and because he was a flight attendant, hung out with a lot of gay people so he was hip.

I had gotten pretty drunk one night at home and FaceTimed him. Holy shit. This boy was dreamy AF and had a really nice voice to match. Hot DAMN. He put up with my lil drunk ass and still continued to text me in the days after.

I was spending the pandemic up at my parents’ house and had to go down to NJ to pick up some stuff from my apartment. Since I was already going to be down there, I figured I’d hit him up.

We met at the waterfront and had the entire view of the skyline. As I was staring out at the Freedom Tower he walked up and he was just as much a snack in person as he was over FaceTime. We sat on the edge of the sidewalk (6 feet apart), shared some Oreos, and cracked open a few hard seltzers.

He was very talkative which I appreciated however, it was very one sided. I learned his entire work history including all schooling meanwhile I don’t think he even knew what I did for work let alone where.

His dad ended up calling which at first didn’t bother me. Shit happens and it had to do with tax stuff so whatever. Then his dad called again and he took it…again. Then while we were talking he was on his phone looking for flight jobs. K. I get work in that industry is tough because of Corona. I really do. But, all I am asking for is a few hours of your time. Just be present.

He had shit to do so we called it a day after a few hours and he walked me to my car. Tbh, I wasn’t too sure how he felt about me at that point. He tapped my arm a few times when we were sitting near each other but given that we had to keep space, there was no solid way to gauge.

When we got to the car, we hugged for a long time. He smelled amazing and he gave the hug the right amount of pressure. Maybe things were better than I thought. I braced myself for the kiss but it didn’t happen. When we let go we did the awkward, “We should do this again” and I jumped in my car.

We continued to text afterwards but ultimately it never went anywhere. I pulled a hail mary and let him know the next time I’d be in NJ but I never heard from him again.

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Encounter #60.1: Coffee

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App: Hinge

Name: Liam*

Date Location: The Roost Outpost – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review:  3.0 Stars – Given that I was only in there for 2 minutes because #Corona I can’t give it a fair review. It looked cute and the coffee was fine.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Liam and I met up right before shit got real in NJ thanks to Coronavirus. At this point in time, parks were open and you could still see other people as long as you were 6 feet apart.

Over Hinge, Liam seemed cool. He was quick and decently funny. In person, not as much. We got our coffees and pretty quickly it was clear we weren’t going to be a match. There were uncomfortably long silences between sentences.

Liam has some slight interesting points to him. He originally went to school to be a doctor but ultimately changed paths and did computer science. He lived right on Washington Street in Hoboken so he was in the thick of the scene and considering how much he paid in rent, the place had to have been nice. Truthfully those were the most interesting things we covered.

We walked along the river in Hoboken and over to one of the dog parks. Truthfully I think we were out as long as we were because we were both bored and had started our self-quarantines.

He walked me to the train and we never spoke again.

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Encounter #58.1: Gay or European?

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App: Tinder

Name: Andre*

Date Location: Atlas Public House – Jersey City

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – I wish I had been to this place sooner. Happy hour deals were on point, food looked good, and had good vibes overall.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Andre had that je ne sais quoi quality that made me want to learn more. Based on his photos he was either really really hot or busted as shit and I needed to find out.

He lived on the other side of my neighborhood which was a huge plus and he was from France so he had a lot in common with my Canadian ass. When he asked me out it felt oddly respectful. He didn’t tell me where we were going but to meet outside the McDonald’s by one of the train stations. Different vibe but I was there for it.

He walked up and fortunately looked like his hot pictures. Halleloo! He was quite tall, probably 6’5″, dark hair, and dressed all cute and European. We walked a few buildings down to this bar neither one of us had been to yet.

I want to say conversation was good but tbh I had no idea what he said for the first 15 minutes. He had a pretty thick French accent, the music was a hair too loud, and I was sitting just far enough away that I had to gauge the whole conversation on his facial expressions. Eventually I got the hang of things and we managed to have a normal conversation.

We had a lot in common. With him being French and my family being from Canada we had a lot to talk about. There were certain foods our families made, we knew Celine Dion’s best work, and we both could appreciate old ass French names.

There were a few differences. To start, I’m trashy AF. We were talking about dating and in France they like to get as close to a person without actually kissing them. This is why hand kisses are a thing there. I then told him that in NJ, we shove tongues down the other’s throat. Oops.

Weirdly enough, we had the SAME music taste. Lady Gaga, Kesha, and Pitbull. Also, we both frequented gay bars and loved to dance. Perhaps a red flag? Or, possibly the best thing to happen to both of us?

We had a few drinks and it was starting to get a bit late. We were headed in the same direction so we took the train together. Before we split we went to the side to say our goodbyes. He said, in what I took to be a flirtatious tone, “We can do this the French way”. I took this the wrong way. I went in thinking we were going to le French kiss. So I went in, he swerved, I realized what happened, and we both went “OH GOD. Sorry!” We hugged, I went on my way, and never spoke again.

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Encounter #55.1: Flip Cup

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App: Hinge

Name: Corbin*

Date Location: City Bistro – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Good ass apps, decent beer selection, feels classy.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

When I saw Corbin’s profile pop up on Hinge I had a feeling we had matched and chatted before but I wasn’t entirely sure. Within a handful of messages it became clear that we had this entire conversation three months prior.

I have a habit of blocking numbers when I’m done with a person. I don’t like people coming in and haunting my life especially when I never went out with them in the first place. (RIP Grant). Apparently I had done this to Corbin because his first text never came through. I fixed it but, this was going to make for an interesting situation.

Texting with him was pretty easy. Based on the old texts I had, easier than it was the first time. He asked me out pretty quickly and we made plans.

He was decently attractive. Not super hot but, not bad. Conversation was pretty easy too. He had grown up in Brooklyn, was in a frat in college, and now worked as a graphic designer. Despite his reassurances that he wasn’t a typical frat guy,  he partied a lot. Not only was he out drinking 4-5 times a week but he was in a flip cup league that he took a hair too seriously.

Corbin shared a lot with me that night. To start, he told me that he was a serial relationship kind of guy. He also threw in that he had always gone for the “nice girl” and was looking for more of a “party girl” to keep up with him. Mmmmm, no. Don’t get me wrong, I love being drunk but I’m also 85. Maybe once every 3 months I’ll get wrecked.

He seemed very invested in me a bit too quickly. He was getting touchy with me which I didn’t entirely mind. Up until that point the only physical touch I was getting was from my fuck buddy and that was only when we were hitting the sheets. It was nice to have someone hold my hand in public or rest his hand on my leg.

We ended up kissing at the bar and it was decent. Little weird that he did it right before I got up to pee but he had decent technique. Eventually I went to check what time it was and I saw that my fuck buddy had texted me. FUCK IT. As I told Corbin I had to go I was calling my Uber to set up my dick appointment. We made out a little as we waited for my car and I went on my way to get railed.

Corbin and I texted the rest of the week and the more we texted, the more I knew I had to end it. He was starting to get more invested and I was just focused on getting the D. He asked me about my grad program and when I’d be done my session. Then he made some comment about how I’d have more time for activities when the session ended. Then, he asked me out again because he “really wanted to hang out” before his trip that coming weekend. When planning for the second date he invited me to his place for a movie and wine which felt a bit soon. But the clincher was when he drunk texted me and said, “It’s hard not to think about you”.

Now, I understand this is sweet. If I had any sort of feelings towards him I would have gone with it. I didn’t. I had been planning on going out with him one more time to give him a fair shot but, I was anticipating breaking it off. Also, while we were out he talked a lot about how he hated ghosting and would rather just know if someone isn’t interested.

So I sent “the text” and it didn’t quite go well.

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Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes ghosting may be better.

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Encounter #54.2: Coast Guard

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App: Bumble

Name: Jesse*

Date Location: His Place

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

I was a bit disappointed when I didn’t hear back from Jesse. It dug up a lot of weird shit I had been pushing aside and even though I disagreed, he wasn’t entirely wrong that I had a wall up.

I went along with my weekend and everything was going to plan until that Saturday night. My friend and I were drinking on my couch and I saw a text from him come in asking what I was up to. I left it on read. He needed to sweat.

About an hour later he called. I picked up and it came out why he hadn’t talked to me all week. He was being deployed in less than 48 hours. Fuck.

The reason his medical clearance was so crazy was because they were immediately sending him out on a mission. He tried to apply for leave to give himself time to get his house and everything in order but it was denied. So basically he had spent the rest of that week trying to get his shit together and see his family before he left.

We made plans to try to hang out the next day. He obviously had a lot going on so I wasn’t expecting to hear from him. He called me that morning and we talked for about an hour and he kept saying that he would do what he needed to do so we could see each other.

Several hours passed and I thought that was it. I really couldn’t hold it against him. Deployment is a lot to handle. 10:30 pm he called and said he was coming to pick me up. OH SHIT. It’s my time to shine.

I threw on some semi-attractive lazy clothes and made myself look like I hadn’t lived on my couch all day. When he got me, it just felt off. He, understandably, wasn’t as talkative with everything going on but we really didn’t have any banter. What was a 12-minute drive felt like 30.

The house was nice. Garage, hard wood floors, 3 bedrooms, jacuzzi tub, the whole thing. He gave me the tour and as expected, we started making out when we got to his room. Things were promising. He was a decent kisser and as I slid his shirt off I felt how soft his skin was and that he was ripped. Fuego.

Then shit got weird. So at that point we were both naked and standing. He then went behind me to suck on my neck and attempted to finger me. I mean I saw where he was going but, it probably would have worked better as the method to get my clothes off.

He kept going with it and wasn’t being too aggressive so I took the lead. I got him on the bed and started blowing him. To start, he must have rubbed something on himself before I got there because he tasted so strongly of soap and tea tree oil. It was like licking a yoga mat. On top of that, he was SILENT. No moaning, no words, nothing. This was an area I felt confident in so after awhile I kind of just came up for air and figured he was good.

I then asked if he could work on me for a bit and this fucker suggested 69. Ugh. Fine. He wasn’t very good. If I had to describe it, it was like he was trying to suck the meat off a chicken wing. Plus anytime he was doing something good, I’d verbalize it, and then he’d immediately switch to something else. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS.

He randomly stopped so I hopped off and we started fucking. Things were going well. We were finding our rhythm. But then he stopped again.

“Did you cum?”

“No, did you?”

“I am so sorry. I did. It’s been awhile, I’m so sorry!”

We had been having sex less than a minute.

I didn’t know how long it had been for him but based on how embarrassed he was and what I knew about his last relationship, it had to have been in the year+ range.

We made out a bit and snuggled for awhile. He had to pack so he said I could hang out and watch Netflix for a bit while he threw his bag together. I offered to leave. I knew he had a lot to do but he insisted it would be maybe 10/15 minutes.

I curled up on his couch and after 10 minutes it just felt too weird. I went upstairs to say good bye and he called me an Uber which I appreciated. We never spoke again.

And so with that, I saved America by fucking one of their finest. You’re welcome.

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Encounter #54.1: Coast Guard

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App: Bumble

Name: Jesse*

Date Location: Crema & The Ashford – Jersey City

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – I fucking love this coffee shop. It’s adorable as shit plus the owner is almost always there so everyone is on point.

4.0 Stars – Cool date spot. The decor makes it feel a little sexy with the velvet wallpaper, happy hour is good, beautiful rooftop, and has a gay bar attached.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Jesse wasn’t normally my type but, he was a winner of “How Hot Can I Bag”. He was about 30, in the coast guard, and lived in the neighborhood next to my office. This could work.

What stood out to me was how straight forward he was. We had been chatting back and forth over the weekend on Bumble and then he asked for my number. Since he was driving, he gave me a call. In my youth, this would have pissed the shit out of me but he let this joke go so it all worked out.

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We talked on the phone for about 2/3 hours and conversation was pretty easy. We were both laid back people with the most vulgar vocabulary so the jokes were flowing. He grew up military so he had lived all over the place but what stood out was how much he loved Boston. He apparently memorized my whole profile, knew my hometown, and said a major reason why he swiped right was because I was a New Englander. Never in my life had it benefited me this much to be from the north east.

He was also very candid. We talked about past relationships and without much prying he told me that he had been single for about a year, was previously engaged, and that it was a long distance relationship. Because of this relationship, he stopped drinking. Also something that normally would bother me but, for whatever reason I wasn’t phased. He seemed to know his own limits and had it handled. We made plans to see each other the next night.

Jesse wasn’t into the bar scene. Not just because of his sobriety but he just was weirded out by the whole online dating thing and would rather grab coffee and walk around. We met at a cafe to start off the night. He looked a lot like his photos, maybe a bit more rough around the edges though. I knew he was also pretty crass but let’s just say you could tell he worked on boats based on how he spoke and carried himself.

Conversation was okay, not as good as it was the night before. I became hyper aware of this and started making jokes to fill the silence. Apparently, I went too far. I had made a joke about crying in the shower and another about getting hit by a bus to pay off my student loans which then led him to keep asking me if I was okay. Yes, bitch. I just think self deprecation is hilarious and I’m nervous GAH.

We finished our coffee and went for a walk around the neighborhood. I could tell he definitely wanted to touch me but for whatever reason, he didn’t throughout the whole walk. I figured I had said too much weird shit but then he asked me if we wanted to go somewhere else and get something to eat. WELL SHIT.

Despite him being crass, he was respectful. When we got to the car he opened the door for me and when we parked he came around to my side to walk with me which I found sweet. As we walked to the bar he started to get a bit more physical with me. If there was a puddle he’d pull me to the side or pull me back in if I was about to step into the crosswalk too soon. Just oddly sweet, gentlemanly stuff.

We sat next to each other at the table and wouldn’t shut the fuck up long enough for the waitress to get our order. Things were finally moving in the right direction. Or at least I thought.

Over time, he started touching my leg, stroking my arm, and then finally it happened. We kissed. And it was pretty solid. He held my face and had his fingers all in my hair. Right amount of tongue. And when we stopped we had that moment of eye contact when you both think OH FUCK YEAH and then do it again.

Despite this solid kiss, I apparently wasn’t as open as I thought because he said, “You come off pretty icy. I can definitely tell that you’re a huge softie on the inside but it feels like you have a wall up”. Well that was some fucking news to me.

Later, I had made some comment about how I was surprised he was still out with me. He was a fucking 10 and I am…well I am my weird ass, trashy, self. He took it a bit the wrong way and started going in on how I was so beautiful, funny, and all this other shit. Listen, I don’t need someone to build me up. I was just saying that he was hot AF. That’s it.

Somehow, things seemed to be fine. He drove me home and on the way we kept playing each other songs we had on repeat. Apparently mine were sad…wtf.

He parked and as I got out I couldn’t figure out how to lock the door. I made some joke about trying to find the clit and he made some comment about how whatever I was saying/doing was working on him. Boom. Success.

At the door we made out a bit and he was pushing to get upstairs. I declined. TBH I wanted to say yes but my room was a mess and I wasn’t feeling all too fresh if you catch my drift. He left a bit abruptly after that and I told him to text me when he got home.

On his way home he sent me a song he thought I’d like. I quickly listened to parts of it and thought nothing of it. The next day, I didn’t hear from him. I took another look at the song and more or less, it’s about a woman who loves a man but eventually gives up because his walls are too high and he’s too depressed. COOL. Message received. I’m an icy bitch.

I remembered that he had his medical clearance test that week so a few days later I asked how it went. Apparently it was a fiasco but he didn’t really say much about it. 24 hours passed and I figured FUCK IT. I’d shoot my shot and I asked what he was doing that weekend. No answer. Cool, I guess I did come off a certain way.

I licked my wounds, kept going, and then I got a phone call.

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Encounter #53.1: The Fivehead

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App: Hinge

Name: Noah*

Date Location: The Ashford – Jersey City

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Cool date spot. The decor makes it feel a little sexy with the velvet wallpaper, happy hour is good, beautiful rooftop, and has a gay bar attached.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Things with Noah seemed promising. From what I remember, the chat to text transition went pretty well and it didn’t take long until we made plans.

We originally planned to go to Taqueria but it was packed. So after meeting me there and seeing the line, we decided to check out another place in the area. Just in the 8 minute walk over I was skeptical. I saw him text someone within 2 minutes of us walking and he wasn’t too talkative even though he was A FUCKING RECRUITER. Like come on, isn’t small talk your thing?

We got our table and of course, this is the night this place has shit service. I had been there dozens of times with no issue, but on this night with this awkward date it had to happen.

We made awkward small talk for at least 15 minutes while we waited for someone to get our drink order. TBH I just kept staring at how big his forehead was. Like damn, you could have parked a plane on that thing.

After the beer hit our systems things got marginally better. I still felt like I was grilling him though. The entire time we were together, I think he may have asked me a total of four questions. Fucking four. We waited for the check and it was clear that neither one of us was feeling it and we waited in silence for the bulk of the time.

Noah walked me to the train which was nice although highly unnecessary given how uninterested both of us were. We hugged, I went on my way, and drunkenly hit up my fuck buddy. All in a day’s work.

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Encounter #52.1: Tennis Guy

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App: The League

Name: Gareth*

Date Location: Lucky 7 Tavern – Jersey City

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Definitely a dive bar but has a really cool feel. Lots of band posters and stickers all along the walls and a solid ass happy hour menu.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

I had downloaded The League (AKA the most pretentious ass dating app in all the land) around the time of the break up. It’s tough to match and no one ever sends messages so I was surprised that Gareth even started a conversation.

He seemed like a fun guy. Conversation was easy over text and as it turned out he lived in the building attached to the one I nanny in. All about convenient fuckery. He worked in finance but definitely wasn’t one those those douchey bros in the Patagonia vests.

I agreed to a date and we checked out a dive bar that neither one of us had gone to before. He was waiting for me outside and I was a bit disappointed. He was cute but was more petite than expected. Another one that I could have benched. Fuck it, I was already there. May as well see what happens.

Conversation with him was as easy in person as it was over text. He not only gave decent answers but he also asked decent questions. WHAT A CONCEPT. He had an interesting background. He went abroad for his graduate degree and while he was there played professional tennis for a bit. Casual. He also offered to split an app so I was a happy clam. Imma get dirty on some popcorn chicken.

We had been drinking for a few hours and it was time for me to go home. Gareth walked me to the train and we made loose plans to see each other again. We kissed, nothing too crazy and texted a bit over the days following but nothing ever came from it. To be honest, I was fine with it. I had a great time but, physically speaking it just wasn’t there for me and I was afraid I would have led him on. Back to the drawing board.

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Encounter #51.1: Doctor, Doctor

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App: Bumble

Name: Alec*

Date Location: Low Fidelity – Jersey City

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – The bar itself is fine. Very millennial with brick walls, string lights, and craft cocktails. Really just like it because it’s close to my apartment.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Yet another attempt at “How Hot Can I Bag” landed me a date with Alec. He was a doctor and was doing research on Alzheimer’s (my philanthropy of choice). We had a lot to talk about so the date was set within hours of matching.

I was being a lazy hoe and since he lived in Jersey City, I had him meet me at one of the bars by my apartment. He walked up and was as attractive as his photos. Thank god.

We got our drinks and once again, I kind of felt like I was carrying the team. He was an interesting guy though. He was originally from Syria so we talked a lot about that and his family. He was applying for medical residency so we also went through all the places he’s been and how the interview process was working out. During all of this, he did recognize that I was asking a lot more about him than he was about me. However, he made no real effort to change that.

One perk about him was that he appreciated how I looked but not in a creepy way. I had been struggling with my body and the fact that I no longer looked 22. At one point he was staring at me then said, “I’m sorry I keep looking at you. You’re just so much prettier in person than you are in your photos”. He also threw in that I looked like I worked out. OH ALEC, YOU SLAY ME.

Shit, of course, got weird. He was with friends before we met up and had a few drinks. As it turned out he was a light weight. We only had 2/3 beers that were 5.2% or something like that and he was drunk. He kept touching my face, saying how cute I was, and losing where we were in the conversation.

I was ready to go home and he insisted on walking me back. That was when he started getting a bit too possessive. Earlier he mentioned he was interviewing in DC at the end of the month and I made a comment about how much I loved it down there. He then doubled down on the walk home and was seriously insisting I take off work to go with him. Mmmmm, nah.

We couldn’t get to my apartment fast enough. Of course, there was the good night kiss. It was better than the last one at my door but still, not great. He texted me when he got home saying he had fun and would see me soon. He also spelled my name wrong so that was cool. I slept on it and ultimately decided I couldn’t do it. Between the weird face touching and seeing him tanked, it was going to be a no from me.

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Encounter #50.1 – The Lizard

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App: Hinge

Name: Tom*

Date Location: Bobby Dee’s – Jersey City

Location Review:  3.0 Stars – The best example of an old man bar I could ever find. Drinks were cheap, band was terrible, but there are sandwiches.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Tom and I matched over the Christmas holiday and texted constantly. Conversation was easy and it definitely helped that he lived just down the hill from me. All about convenient fuckery.

Going in, I didn’t know what to expect physically. He seemed attractive-ish but I was on the fence. I then creeped his ass on Facebook and saw that he was a relatively interesting guy, wasn’t horrible looking all the time, and was in a frat during his college years. Not a fan of that last part but I do love a good fuck boi.

He met me at the bar and it was clear he photographed better than he looked in person and all his photos were older. Well, shit. Maybe the conversation would make up for it?

NOPE. The whole time it felt like I was carrying the team on my back. I was asking plenty of questions but he really wasn’t asking me any. After about an hour an a half he asked if I wanted to get out of there. I had just come home from the holiday that night and I was anxious to get back to my bed and unpack. I went to close out and since I got there first, it was all on my tab. He made no effort to pay for his half. Rockin’.

He offered to walk me home since it was so close and when we got to my apartment he went in for the kiss and I didn’t swerve fast enough. We ended up making out and it was shit. I don’t mean to brag but, I purposely took up the saxophone in the 5th grade so I’d be a better kisser. I know what I’m doing. This motherfucker was kissing like a lizard and wouldn’t back down and follow my rhythm.

He needed to call an Uber and since it was chilly I said I’d let him in and I’d wait in the foyer with him. He then tried to get up to my apartment. Hard no. He invited me to go back with him. Harder no. Somehow I got stuck having to make out with him while he grabbed my ass and waited for his car. Easily the longest 4 minutes of my life.

He went on his way and we never spoke again.

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