Encounter #21.3: Brooklyn Babe

App: Hinge

Name: Khalil*

Date Location: Mills Tavern (Hoboken) and Johnny Rockets

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Honestly I have no idea why I go to Mills. There’s nothing particularly special about it except that it’s easy to find

3.5 Stars– Mediocre food. Has a classic diner atmosphere and bomb ass shakes though

Date Duration: 16 hours

What Happened:

After flaking on me twice in three days, Khalil took it upon himself to make it up to me by suggesting a NJ date. He had me pick the spot and was really overcompensating for flaking as much as he did.

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I met him at the bar and he apologized again for bailing on me. We covered the normal small talk, he kept complimenting me on how good I looked, and did all the right things to physically say he liked me. I loved how he would keep his arm on the back of my chair, rest his hand on my knee, and take my hand. It had been a long time since I felt like “someone’s girl”, as stupid as that sounds. Really, one of the things I missed most about being in a relationship was the physical contact outside of sex. There is something to be said about being touched in a way that makes you feel important.

After we had a few drinks he suggested we head across the street for some milkshakes since he knew I loved them so much. We crushed our shakes and some cheese fries and while we walked out I asked if he had ever seen the skyline from Hoboken. By far, it’s one of if not the best views of NYC so we walked over to the pier.

On the walk over he had his hand around my waist and held my hand because it was so fucking cold. When we got to the edge of the pier, he pulled me into his side as we stared at the skyline. Then he turned to me, brushed my hair out of my face, and kissed me. HOT DAMN. Then per usual we were making out and I asked him to come back to my place. He agreed.

Side note: Let’s be real. We both knew we were going to fuck. So I have no idea why we wasted our time going out beforehand.

Within about 5 minutes of being in my apartment we were making out on the couch and ripping clothes off. I threw some Trap Nation on and we did our thing—fucking nonstop.

Things were better this time. I knew what to expect, he knew my body a little bit better so it wasn’t as painful or shocking as the first time. It was slightly weirder though. I’m not opposed to dirty talk but I really don’t like a lot of it. To me, it feels like I’m in a shitty porn and it doesn’t add anything more to the experience. However, Khalil was very into it (and kind of bad at it). The word “pussy” should be used sparingly. In the way people hate the word “moist”, the word “pussy” makes me cringe. That was his go to word. “Your pussy feels so good. Do you realize how amazing your pussy is? Your pussy tastes so good. Pussy pussy blah blah blah pussy” If he just replaced the words “your pussy” with “you” it would have been about 5 million times less awkward and actually more genuine. But he stuck to his guns and also said mid-sex, “Your body is amazing. I love how thick you are.” UHM. NEVER CALL A WOMAN THICK TO HER FACE LET ALONE WHILE YOU’RE HAVING SEX. I spend a lot of time trying to not be considered “thick” so yes, thank you for bringing that up.

If that wasn’t enough, later that night between rounds we were talking about turn ons and what we looked for physically. He said a thick or curvier woman while he slid his hand down my side. OKAY SIR. I GET IT I NEED TO HIT THE GYM. I know it was meant as a compliment but when you spend so much time trying to rid yourself of that look, it doesn’t feel great. Also I’m a size 6/8 jean and wear medium shirts. I don’t think that would necessarily count as “thick”.

I made a mistake with Khalil. We were talking about our sexual chemistry and I made a comment along the lines of, “This never happens. No one ever makes it to my apartment let alone a third date.” So now he thought he was special or some shit. Then he said, “Well I can’t wait for our fourth date, and the one after that, and the one after that.”

Here’s the thing. After that night, I made the decision that we were only going to be sex friends. I liked spending time with him, he was smart, interesting, and all that but he couldn’t really make me laugh. We had different senses of humor and I kind of found his to be annoying. He was so sexy when he would talk about his career and other things he had done but oh my god, I wanted to wring his neck whenever he tried to be funny. Also, when describing him to others I would say “He’s fine.” Fine is not the word to describe someone you want to seriously date.

He asked me when he could see me again and we picked Friday of that week. There was a bar in Hoboken I really liked for weekends and he wanted to check it out. Since he had already flaked on me twice before, I texted him at lunch asking if we were on and he responded, “On like Donkey Kong” and we decided to meet at 9.

A half hour before he was supposed to meet me he asked if he could push it back by an hour…to take a nap.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm, kay.

I figured it would be a wash at that point so I changed out of my cute outfit and hot underwear into bum clothes, headed to McDonald’s to get a McFlurry, and parked my ass on the couch. While I was rage eating fries (the ice cream machine was broken) this fucker called me.

“Heyyy what are you up to?”

“Nothing. I’m chilling on my couch eating fries in my comfy clothes. You?”

“That sounds dope. I still haven’t left my bed. …Do you still want to do something tonight?”

“I’m not making you come to NJ to sit on my couch with me.”

“I feel so bad but Jersey is soooo far. I’m just so tired. What are you doing tomorrow?”

“I have to work.”

“Sunday?”

“I already have plans.”

“Oh. Okay, I don’t want to get in the way of your plans. Sorry again, have a good night.”

He texted me the next day and then the week after that.

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Yeahhhh I’m never going to be free. He cancelled on me 3 times and one was for a damn nap. BYE.

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Encounter #21.1: Brooklyn Babe

App: Hinge

Name: Khalil*

Date Location: Tommy’s Family Restaurant and The Hutton

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – Truthfully, I am probably selling this spot short. I was on a diet that week so couldn’t eat too much. That being said, the omelette was good and the hashbrowns had onions in them which was nice.

4.0 Stars– The place is in the most random spot but brings in a good crowd. I only drank beer that night but they had some interesting cocktails on the menu which could be worth trying.

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

I had not been this excited for a date in a long time. Khalil was the real deal. Worked in computer science, tall, ridiculously handsome, athletic, smart, well travelled, voted democrat, and was from Canada. Since we met on Hinge, I had his last name and may or may not have creeped the shit out of him. Everything was confirmed, he was cool AF (and previously dated a white girl with a similar build to myself). LAURA DON’T FUCK THIS UP.

We were texting and the topic of NJ diners came up since it’s the diner capital of the world. We started joking about how we would have our first date at a diner and then both decided this was the best idea. Khalil picked a spot 10 minutes from me in NJ and we were ready to rock. No lie, going in I had no idea what to expect. This guy willingly offered to come to NJ so that bodes pretty well but my luck was stacked against me.

He beat me to the restaurant and as I walked up to him I was happy to see he looked exactly like his photos. Holy shit. Babe status. He was an interesting guy. Family was from Ghana, he grew up in Toronto, family moved to Alabama, he lived in Charlotte for a bit, and decided to pick up and move to NYC. Clearly much more well traveled than me.

The weekend prior he was in Boston for a conference (where he got to see Obama speak) and I recommended a place for bomb ass hot cocoa. Well he went and brought me back a chocolate bar. WHAT. OKAY. SO NICE.

The diner was ever so obviously trying to get us to leave so we headed out for another bar in Jersey City. There was an accordion player playing “Sorry Miss Jackson”. I was sold. (And I now have his business card so if you have accordion needs I would highly recommend).

The beer flowed and we just kept chatting away and for once, I wasn’t hammered. (2018 is about to be my year guys). As we were talking, I noticed he kept leaning in across the table but I wasn’t sure if it was that he was into me or that it was loud AF. I ignored it and kept laughing too loud.

We shut the bar down, it was nearly midnight on a Thursday, so it was time for us to head home. We shared a Lyft to the train station near my apartment so he could head to NY and I could walk a few blocks home. Within a few minutes he had his arm around me, was holding my hand, put his hand in my hair, and then we looked at each other. And fam, we kissed. And it was great. His lips were so fucking soft and despite being in the backseat of a car was executed really well. So of course we started making out a shit ton.

In an effort to save my Lyft rating, we cut the shit out. He said that he had been wanting to do that all night but thought it would be frowned upon to jump across the table. I then said he made me nervous because he was so ridiculously good looking. His response? “Okay, but have you looked at yourself?” OH. DAMN. I also thanked him for coming to NJ. No one ever wants to and I really appreciated it. Khalil whipped out, “Well I had a feeling you’d be worth it.” SWOON.

We got to the PATH and I walked him to the escalators. We made out in the middle of the plaza in the freezing rain. He asked if we could move under an overhang so we went in front of Duane Reade and made out more. One hand was on my back while the other was tangled in my hair. So. Good. Between kisses he asked what I was doing that weekend which I wasn’t expecting. THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

…we hung out the next night.

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Encounter #19.1: Months in the Making

App: N/A (I know, crazy!)

Name: Eric*

Date Location: Porta – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Cool spot. Unfortunately we didn’t eat but the pizza is apparently really good. The space is really cozy and the bar is super long.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Eric and I met at a bar in Hoboken in November. I had lost my friend in the bar, started making moves to find her, and instead found Eric in the corner of the dance floor. We made small talk, found out he was a Pats fan, lived in Hoboken, and had the cheapest rent in the land. Alas, I had to go find my friend plus it seemed like an oddly long time to talk to this guy and I didn’t want to annoy the shit out of him.

When I left, his friend gave me his number (before trying to pick me up for himself). I texted Eric not long after just saying hey and letting him know that I got his number from his friend. (I didn’t want to come off creepy plus he may not have been interested in the first place).

He texted me back, added me on Snapchat, and we chatted pretty regularly. Nothing crazy, we weren’t having deep conversations but I was confident that he wasn’t a serial killer or anything. For months we kept trying to make plans but one of us would be away, busy, or cancel. *Cough Cough Eric *

After a trip to Canada my friend asked me what happened to him and convinced me to text him and ask him out one last time. Sure. What did I have to lose at that point?

Well I didn’t hear back. For over a week. But he kept checking my Snap stories. FUCK YOU TOO ERIC. I changed his last name to “NO” and left it at that. (Fun fact: To keep all these motherfuckers straight I will save their first names in my phone but leave the last name as YES, NO, or TBD so if I’m drunk or if they have similar names I can keep them straight. If I really hate them I’ll put the reason in the ‘Company’ box).

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I posted something on Snapchat about getting a CrockPot and he responded to it with some comment about how the Patriots Superbowl loss had been tough. Random. But whatever, it had been a hard week as a New England fan.

He then apologized for never answering my text and said I deserved all the shit I could lay on him. I sent this gem.

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He finally asked me out after 3 months of back and forth and even was proactive on picking the spot. The day of he checked in to see if we were still on and we were ready to go. This was it.

I waited for him for like 10 minutes at the bar but I kept thinking, “This is going to be awesome. This could be it. LOOK ALIVE”. He showed up and was taller and less attractive than I remembered. When we first met, it was pitch black in the club and we had to yell to talk to each other. When we met in person I finally heard what his voice sounded like. No bueno.

Even though we were yelling over Pitbull music the night we met, he did remember a lot more than I expected. He knew what I did for work, almost remembered the name of the company, and remembered exactly what I wore. Granted it was a Cosby sweater so slightly more memorable than most but I gave it to him.

What I couldn’t give him was a personality. Oh my god. So boring. I was carrying the team on my back once again. No joke, we spent 20 minutes talking about Tom Brady. Literally so much had happened since we met: Thanksgiving, Santa Con, Christmas, New Years, the Super Bowl, a bunch of people in the White House left. There was a lot of shit to cover and he had nothing to say.

He did know about his friend who tried to pick me up which was funny. We had different versions of that night but I was apparently dubbed, “Eric’s Girl”. His friend was one of his roommates, (1 of 4 in a 2-bedroom. Dear God.) and when he found out we were going out he wanted to crash the date. Honestly, would have added some spice to the night.

He cut out early which I had no complaints about, he walked me to the train stop, we hugged, and I went on my merry way thinking this was the exhale to a 3 month lead up. About an hour after I got home I got a text from him saying that he had “so much fun”. K.

I kept the conversation short. I told him to send his friend my regards but I never said I wanted to meet up again. Eric snapped me every day after. Sometimes I would reciprocate (mostly when I was hammered) but sometimes I wouldn’t. We never went out again.

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Encounter #15.2: Trivia Master

App: Tinder

Name: Taylor*

Date Location: House of Que

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Really cool bartenders, decent trivia, and the food looked bomb AF

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

After a victorious trivia night which ended in a kiss, I wanted to see Taylor again. I drunkenly texted him a few days after our date to lock down another one. He really sucked at making plans and instead flipped the topic to the Super Bowl but wasn’t really being that chatty with me.

On Tuesday afternoon, he finally asked me out for that night so we could defend our championship title from the week before. Awesome. Cool. Let’s do it.

Well we got our asses handed to us. (Fuck you, It’s Just a Cold Sore!) But it was an okay time. I was hoping that since it was the second date he’d make up for not asking me any damn questions during the first one. He didn’t. The whole night I was either asking him shit, going “Mhmmm”, “Yeah”, or “That’s crazy”. The hallmark of every great relationship.

I tried to get him to touch me because I’m crazy. I’d put my hand on his leg, touch his arm, just subtle shit to say HEY I LIKE YOU SO YOU SHOULD RECIPROCATE. I got a shoulder touch.

We once again shut the bar down and were waiting for our Lyfts. Still no touching. Then his car shows up and he broke out a solid ass kiss. Like hand behind my neck, fingers in my hair, pulling me in, and edging the make out line. So. Hot. Where was this guy earlier that night?

This created an interesting situation. On the one hand he didn’t deliver in the personality-chemistry department but on the other hand there was potential physically. I left it at, “If he texts me to go out again, I probably will give him one last shot but I’m not going out of my way”. Didn’t hear from him for 4 days. Then I got these.

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We all deserve better than a “Wyd”. Come on now.

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Encounter #18.1: Deflate Date

App: Hinge

Name: Jon*

Date Location: Zack’s Oak Bar & Restaurant

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Great brunch menu, reasonably priced, and had healthy/clean options. Sweet potato quinoa bowl was on point.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

The week I met Jon I had 3 dates scheduled. Out of all of them, he was the one I was most excited about. He grew up in the same town my uncle lived in, was a Pats fan, tall, dark hair, went to Cornell, traveled a lot, and got a zombie virus from the permafrost in Alaska. HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT? Clearly he was smarter than me and I found it so fucking sexy. What also played in his favor was that he was going to be in NJ earlier that day which meant I got to be on home turf. Fuck. Yes. Leave 15 minutes before I’m supposed to be there? SOLD.

I picked out a brunch spot and the stage was set. This was the day I was going to meet my future husband. He walked up to the restaurant looking cute as fuck, his voice was nice, we got a table, and OH MY GOD HE WAS SO BORING.

I asked about how he contracted a zombie virus and all he had to say was, “Yeah, it was crazy. There was something in the ice. I just had to get antibiotics. It was fine”. He travelled a lot and rode motorcycles in Vietnam. “It was cool.” I felt crazy for asking him all these questions but he wasn’t elaborating or even volleying questions my way. WTF, you went to Cornell. Why is this so difficult?

What really dug his hole was his career/life ambitions. Despite having accomplished great things, it didn’t seem like he had much coming down the pike. He took a random teaching job for the hell of it, regretted his college major of archaeology, and lived in Brooklyn. Okay, the Brooklyn thing wasn’t bad. What was bad is that he had lived there for 3 months, hadn’t purchased a bed, and was sleeping on a deflated air mattress. Very sexy.

We were going to the same train station and walked back together. We were also on the same platform but didn’t know. We said the goodbyes, hugged, and he asked where to go. I told him track 2. I was on track 3. So we stood on the platform, awkwardly apart, in silence.

He sent me the Jack Chop video the next day of a Massachusetts guy with a hard-ass Boston accent. I sent him Shit Boston Mothers Say. The day after he texted me saying he watched the Super Bowl with Eagles fans. I gave my condolences. Day after that he sent a video of Philly fans rioting. I left him on read and never heard from him since.

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Encounter #15.1: Trivia Master

App: Tinder

Name: Taylor*

Date Location: House of Que

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Really cool bartender, decent trivia, and the food looked bomb AF

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Taylor was not what I would go for. His hair was light, he was 5’7″, military, and his last pic was him shirtless with his hand very close to some girl’s ass. That being said, his first pic involved a WWE style belt so I had some questions.

Also had the best opener/height related conversation in the history of Tinder

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He asked me out while I was out of the country so when I got back I volleyed the offer. He accepted and we went out. THAT NIGHT. (I did have time to change my pants before heading out. If you wear tight pants on a date, it means you care).

He picked a place in Hoboken with trivia. Truth be told, I suck at trivia. Unless it has to do with pageantry, Boston, or really vague 90’s references I’m pretty much useless. We won that night.

Between questions and drinks, I really started digging this guy. Was he short? Yeah. But meanwhile he had a fantasy football podcast, was ex-military, worked in aviation, loved The Simpsons, and was working on his MBA. HOT DAMN.

The whole time I didn’t know where I stood. I was having a halfway decent time but I was also the one who was guiding the conversation so I had no idea if he was just being nice or was genuinely enjoying himself.

Once the bar started closing down we put in the calls for our respective Lyfts and stood in the foyer to wait. Taylor turned to me and said, “I had a really good time tonight. We should definitely do this again. I need to send you my number”. OKAY IF YOU INSIST.

We hugged and then he said, “You know, you’re really not that much taller than me”. And then he went in for the kiss and it was good. To the point I wanted to make out with him but deemed it inappropriate since it was only the first date.

We texted here and there, I may have been trashed for some of it, but we set a second date.

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Encounter #13.1: One Man, One Dream

App: Hinge

Name: Ben*

Date Location: Scotland Yard in Hoboken

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – The most divey of dive bars. Cheap ass beer, darts, friendly bartenders, and bathrooms that won’t lock.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Ben and I had been chatting for a few days until I woke up on New Years Day to see he was no longer in my matches. Little surprised because I didn’t remember saying anything weird but I could not speak for drunk Laura on NYE. A few days later I saw a notification in Facebook’s Message Request box.

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As we know, this can freak me out. But he did have my last name and we had a mutual friend (who wasn’t weird) so it didn’t seem too too odd. Whatever, may as well see what he had to say.

He worked ridiculous hours so it was tough trying to lock it down. Finally after lots of rescheduling, we set a date. We texted for a bit and the more we talked, the more I hated him. He would double message, blow up my phone, and used waaaay too many emojis. I’m talking 29 in a matter of 14 hours. But when he walked up to me, he was actually decent looking and his voice wasn’t weird. Maybe I should cut him some slack.

He worked for the NBA, grew up in Jersey, lived 10 minutes from me, was Jewish, and came from an Italian family. Not too shabby.

The first question he asked was if I had voted for Trump. I can respect that, I sit very far on the left so this didn’t bother me in the least. However, I soon found out that I was smarter than he was. I began going into detail about the DNC, campaign issues on Hillary Clinton’s side, what led to Trump’s success, and basically gave my CNN commentary. He had no idea what I was talking about, switched the subject to marijuana, and told me about his smoking habits.

I did ask him about the unmatching. He was drunk on NYE and went to check if I responded to his message. When he went to close the app, he accidentally hit ‘Remove Match’. By some crazy chance, he remembered my last name and looked me up. He said, “If there’s one thing you can say about me, it’s that I’m persistent”. Yeah, that’s one word.

The more he spoke the more he lived up to my “sports management” stereotype being that he wasn’t that smart, couldn’t come up with an abstract thought, was loud, had to be the center of attention, and thought he was funny.

He talked about his older brother who he said was the exact opposite of him. I wanted to ask if his brother was seeing anyone but I figured that wasn’t appropriate.

Despite the fact that he was out to lunch mentally, he hung on every word I said. I wasn’t saying anything too amazing, just talked about things I wanted to do later in life and where I came from. He was SO STUPID but I won’t lie, I liked that he worshiped the ground I walked on. So when he texted me and asked if he made the cut to the second date, I said he did. FUCK.

As luck would have it, we never texted again and for that I am eternally grateful.

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Situation #6.1: Lapping the Tri-City Area

What Happened:

When you’re on multiple dating apps, there will be plenty of times that you’ll see the same person. It may not be right away, but a lot of people will use the same photos and you start recognizing their face.

One day, after matching on Tinder I got a message along the lines of, “We’ve matched again. We must really like each other”. Apparently we had already chatted on Hinge and both times, boy left me on read.

Whatever, not a big deal. Just have to be more careful. A few weeks later I downloaded Coffee Meets Bagel just to try it out. I had it for maybe a week in NH but since the pool of users was so small, didn’t get into it. 2 or 3 days into using the app in NYC I matched with a cute doctor and he started the conversation. HOLLA TO YOUR GIRL.

It started with this.

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And then this happened.

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Shit. The jig is up.

Despite that, he seemed to be cool with it and we talked about meeting. He asked for my Snapchat *shudder* and he added me. I knew that username.

This summer we matched on Bumble and exchanged snaps. Not only was he boring AF but, he sent me a picture of himself in just Calvin underwear asking if they were too tight. After that happened, I deleted him and unmatched. He didn’t know that I knew about that one but I agreed to go out with him anyways.

Later that night I was chatting on Tinder with a very enthusiastic guy. A little too enthusiastic. And he lived in The Heights… OH MY GOD IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

We matched on Bumble and texted/Snapped in August. He was annoying AF. Constantly blowing up my phone and telling me how he “modeled”. Okay, buddy. You’re full of shit. To avoid another awkward moment, I unmatched immediately.

But it happened. I not only lapped NYC. I lapped Jersey City. All I needed to do was hit CT and I would have sifted through the entire tri-state area.

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