Encounter #31.4: Above Average

App: Hinge

Name: Jared*

Date Location: Greek Taverna, The Crosby, Vanillamore – Montclair, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – So. Damn. Good. Awesome chicken!

4.0 Stars – Definitely a little snooty but has a trendy atmosphere and bomb ass duck fat fries

3.0 Stars – Actual food is nothing to ride home about but the dessert menu is super creative

Date Duration: 72 hours

What Happened:

After being away from each other for a week, sexting, and sending adorable ass text messages—

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(Like really? HOW IS SOMEONE SO FUCKING SWEET?)

This was it. This was our weekend to fuck. I had shaved. Cute underwear was on. Condoms were packed. It was game time.

That said, there may have been a kink in the plan. I was going over Thursday night and my period was supposed to start at literally any moment that day. I did the right thing and let him know what was going on and he, per usual, was adorable AF.

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I knew there was a chance but I was determined to beat it. I flooded my system with Advil, chugged water, and read every Wikihow on how to stop a period. I was ready.

Thursday night we went to a Greek spot for dinner and once again pissed the shit out of the waitstaff because we wouldn’t shut the fuck up. I had also asked him if he would come away with me to Ocean City, MD the following week. Plans with a friend fell through and I still had the room booked. He agreed.

When we got home, it was on. Thing was we both really wanted to go above and beyond for the other person so things didn’t quite work as well as we wanted. But, it would all be fine because I was going to fuck him while he was on a conference call for work the next morning to make up for it.

Friday morning I woke up with the pain. That pain every woman knows all too well. I ran into the bathroom and it was true. I had gotten my period. BAD. Like murder scene. I went into my bag. Among the two vibrators, spare bra, Soft Discs, and umbrella—all I had was one tampon. ONE. Shit.

Before the panic truly set in, we made breakfast. Jared had no idea what I liked to eat so he picked up a bunch of stuff the day before. He even got chocolate chips for pancakes since he thought I’d want them if I was on my period. We spent the day snuggled up on the couch and I watched Netflix while he did actual work.

Around dinner time it started to hit just how poorly I packed. One tampon was not going to last me until Sunday and I needed to save the Soft Discs for sex. We were going out anyways to pick up some things for dinner and there was a CVS next to the Trader Joe’s. Perfect. Should be fine.

As we walked through Trader Joe’s I felt my thighs sort of stick together. I attributed it to the humidity. Then I squatted down to grab a spice bottle and THERE SHE BLOWS. I felt the splooge of blood and began to panic since time was limited. I tried playing it cool when we got to CVS but as I got out of the car I pulled my skirt up a tad and saw the damage. There was a full Rorschach painting of blood happening down my thighs.

Despite this disaster, Jared was cool with it. He said he was just happy to spend time with me. We cooked dinner together and danced around his kitchen. While he was cleaning up, I went back into the kitchen and laid on the floor with my legs on the wall to stretch my hamstrings. He joined me on the floor and we just laid there, enjoying each other’s company.

We both wanted to fuck and after working out some mechanics it was decided that I would attempt the Soft Disc and we’d hit the shower. Things went better this time. We got our heads out of our asses and just had a fun time. His shower was pretty big which definitely made things easier. Shower sex is a tough one to make work but there were plenty of ledges and enough wall space to get it done. (I also may have farted upon exiting the shower. All mystery was lost.)

Saturday morning we cracked into the chocolate chips and made some pancakes before cuddling up and watching the original Jurassic Park. Pretty much we spent the day curled up on the couch and eventually decided it would be a good idea to see the outside world.

As I was doing my make up, Jared came into the bedroom and put a glass of white wine next to me. Then, as I was finishing up he started putting music on that he knew I liked. I have a weird love of John Denver and as it turns out, he is also a fan. He put Country Roads on and we slow danced in his living room.

After our dance break involving me teaching him the Beat It dance, we headed out to the bar. A few glasses of wine in he says,

“You know I’ve been seeing this girl and she asked me to go to Ocean City with her. Like it’s her favorite place in the world. What does this all mean?”

It means whatever you want it to mean. I think she just wants to spend time with you and enjoy things as they come. She may also want it to be exclusive but isn’t ready to label anything.

“Exclusive? I could do that. I just got out of a relationship and I’m not ready to jump into anything.”

That was it. We spent the rest of the night walking around downtown Montclair, trying ice cream, laughing, and opening up to each other.

Somehow the time flew and it was already Sunday. We ordered in breakfast and finished watching Jurassic Park. At one point a pillow fell off the couch and knocked over a glass of water. We cleaned it up and while we were on the floor started making out and made moves to fuck.

Jared knew his way around. I went into the bathroom to pop in the Soft Disc and when I got into his room there were ties, cuffs, and vibrators out. LETS. GO.

I had never fucked a guy while using a vibrator. Holy shit. Everyone go online and order a bullet style vibe and fuck your partner. Unreal.

After fucking for about 2 hours, we went out to the park and got some snacks before I drove back home. I knew I was going to see him 4 days later but, I didn’t want to leave. I was so happy. It had been a long time since I felt like I was a part of something mutual. There was no grey area on if we were interested in each other seriously or not and that was so relieving.

With that, we got ready for a (period-free) beach weekend.

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Encounter #31.1: Above Average

App: Hinge

Name: Jared*

Date Location: Salute Brick Oven Bistro – Montclair, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Although the menu is essentially all in Italian, the food is BOMB and it’s BYOB so you can get as drunk as you want for as little as you want.

Date Duration: 7 hours

What Happened:

I had kept the same Hinge profile since I got the app. My photos had not changed too much and I liked my answers to some of their conversation starters. Over the course of 8 months I started to notice patterns on what people would “Like” to open the conversation with me. 2 photos in particular get more play but there’s a video of a comedy performance I have that rarely gets noticed. This is what Jared “Liked” to start the conversation.

The conversation just worked with him and in less than a day we exchanged numbers. We texted up the ass and I just didn’t care because he was so fucking funny and we had the same sense of humor. HOW.

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I also drunk texted him. A lot. The first weekend we were texting, I was in DC visiting a friend. I won’t lie, I normally go pretty hard when I go out. DC was another form. It had been several months since I had blacked out and I did not remember ANY of what I said to Jared.

He apparently thought it was cute and then let me drunk text him again when I went home for July 4th. ..and again when I went to party on the 5th. (I drink a lot during the summer. COME AT ME)

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For the first time, in a long time, I was fully excited to meet someone. I knew the basics of who he was but even over text he could make me smile.

He lived near Montclair (a VERY bougie place in NJ) so I met him over there for dinner. As I was staring and waving at a dog that walked by, Jared appeared. He was a lanky lanky white boy. But he had the biggest smile. Alright, I can and have done worse.

I was so excited that he brought white wine. I don’t know if it was chance or that he remembered I liked it but it worked in his favor. Right off the bat, we got along. It took us over a half hour to order food because we just wouldn’t shut the fuck up. (The food was BOMB btw. Got those meatballs with the fontina cheese in it and some kind of breaded chicken with rosemary. So good!)

We also killed the bottle of wine pretty quickly. OOPS. (By we I mean me. Damage was done.) When we finished at the restaurant he asked if I wanted to see the rest of downtown Montclair. On the way, we passed a bar that my co-worker recommended and we stopped in front of it. He was talking all about it and showing me the fun things and I felt him touch me a little more. Nothing crazy. Just a hand briefly on my back or my arm. So I thought to myself, FUCK IT IMMA TOUCH HIM. So I touched his arm and leaned into him a bit. Then we kissed. (In front of an abandoned church and garbage can.) Then it turned into a light make out and when we stopped and looked at each other, he had the dorkiest smile on his face. It was adorable.

He took my hand and we walked around a little bit (may have made out on another street corner) and we finally decided that standing on a corner and talking was kind of awk. We sat on a half wall and kept talking and making out for the next 2 hours.

During this time, he told me how nervous he was to meet me. So nervous that he went to Kohl’s on his lunch break to get a new outfit for the date. He also said that for the first time since high school, he had butterflies. SO. SWEET. To top it off, when we started talking, he had a few other conversations with girls going but he stopped answering because I was the only one he really wanted to talk to.

Around 10-something he walked me to my car where we made out slammed up against the trunk of my hatchback. For 2 hours. During this time, there was a tiny Asian lady in her car 2 spots from mine and we had no idea she was there until she pulled out of the garage. OOPS. We were going at it pretty hard to the point I had several hickeys on my neck and he indirectly asked me to come back to his place. I declined, but we continued on making out like teenagers.

I drove him back to where he parked and we made out for the entire Shawn Mendes album. My brother was staying at my apartment so things were cut short when he decided to call me at 1am and see if I was dead. THANKS BRO.

I drove home so happy for once. As a general life note, during this time I had been having some trouble with my physical and mental health. I was tired of being miserable so I joined a gym by my work and signed up for talkspace. (If you are in a bind at all because of insurance, cost, time, etc. I really encourage you to check out talkspace. It’s super easy to use and they work quickly to find you a therapist.) When this self care started I told myself that unless I already had a conversation going, I wouldn’t pursue anything. At the time, the only person I was speaking to was Jared and he completely surpassed any and all expectations. Date #2 was underway.

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