Encounter #85.3: The Carpenter

App: Bumble

Name: James*

Date Location: Crazy Axes – Hanover, MA

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Fabulous way to bring out your inner Canadian lumberjack and flex how lethal you could be.

Date Duration: 10 hours

What Happened:

It wasn’t long after our second date that the third was on the books. He didn’t tell me anything about what we were doing but that he was going to pick me up at 8pm. Okayyyyy.

He told me to wear casual clothes, bring a cup, and we picked up Chik-Fil-A since wherever we were going allowed food and alcohol. We made it to an ax-throwing place and when he opened up his backpack he pulled out a bottle of Barefoot Moscato since he remembered I liked sweet, white wine. Be still my heart. So sweet.

I then absolutely demolished his ass. Lethal skillz over here. We chit-chatted throughout and the sexual tension was at about a 12. When we left, there was talk about meeting up with some of his friends but the bar they were at wasn’t it. We decided to go back to my place and while we were talking in the car, he pulled over. Then out of nowhere while I was mid-sentence, he pulled me in and laid the hottest kiss on me. Hands in the hair, full passion. HOT. Then we just started driving like nothing happened.

Not long after getting to my place, we got to it and it was good for a first encounter. He was so dominant and kept tossing me around and I was content. We may have (okay, definitely) messed up my sheets so we were left sleeping directly on the mattress with whatever fucking blankets I could scrape together.

He told me ahead of time that he had trouble sleeping at new peoples’ houses which made sense. He also normally gets up early for work so he warned me he may be up before I wake up. Cool, totally fine. In the morning, I heard him go to the bathroom, and then he didn’t come back to the bedroom. Odd. I hear shifting in the living room so I walked in to him putting his clothes back on and dipping out. We kissed but then a few hours later he texted me apologizing that it looked like he was sneaking out and he really just wanted to sleep in his own bed. Cool, fine. Makes sense.

We made plans for a few days later but we were both horny AF so he came over, we fucked, hung out, and he went home after a few hours. The next day we made plans to go out but he had a long day and just wanted to chill which I was fine with. We decided on staying in to watch a movie and he offered to get snacks.

We actually did watch the movie. We chatted here and there but I could tell he was tired so I didn’t think much of it. Little different from our usual vibe but, we can’t be “on” all the time.

After the movie ended we started making moves and ended up in my room. Sex was good. Nothing off to report. Afterward, he cuddled with me on the couch and watched a few episodes of The Office and then called it a night since we both had work the next day. Completely normal.

I didn’t hear from him the next day. Figuring he just had another long day at work, I gave it a pass and texted him. We went back and forth for maybe 4/5 texts. I couldn’t explain it but I felt the shift. I just knew it was done. And then I didn’t hear from him ever again.

This one kinda stung. Usually, in these cases, it never has anything to do with you, and a lot to do with them but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I feel like the person you’re fucking deserves a bit better than ghosting. He was 31. That’s old enough to know better especially when we had talked about how sex is such an emotional thing for women.

Idk. Maybe I just got too hopeful too soon but it was nice to feel wanted and a part of someone’s life for a change. Even if it was only for a few weeks. Just disappointed but not surprised yet again.

Encounter #85.2 – The Carpenter

App: Bumble

Name: James*

Date Location: Assembly – Quincy, MA

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – It’s fine. Overall like the vibes but I didn’t think the food was all that.

Date Duration: 3.5 hours

What Happened:

I couldn’t explain it but I was so excited to see James again. It had been a fucking minute since I genuinely wanted to see someone and the banter we had back and forth was just so fun.

It was my turn to pick the date so went for some Taco Tuesday action. Like last time, conversation just flowed. We already had some inside jokes going so we kept roasting each other and making the other laugh. At one point while he ordered, he stopped the waitress and asked if he could mod his order so his could be made with love. It’s not even that funny but he said it so deadpan that I had to laugh.

But really, not much to report on this one. He walked me to my car again (parallel parking is hard!) and since it was cold and I was so far, I offered to drive him up to where he was. And friends, James proved himself to be a worthy counterpart. As soon as we got in the car he put his hand behind my neck, into my hair, and pulled me in for a kiss. Then we started making out and he lightly choked me which was so stupid hot oh my god. Just very dominant and I was super into it.

I drove him back and it wasn’t long after I got home that we made plans to go out again that weekend.

Encounter #85.1: The Carpenter

App: Bumble

Name: James*

Date Location: Coop’s – Quincy, MA

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – It’s a dive. You’ll be partying next to some 50-something named Richard but the drinks are decent.

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

In a moment of loneliness, I fell victim to purchasing Bumble Premium yet again. James was one of the few winners during this time.

To be honest, I didn’t take a good look at his profile before meeting up. He met my “requirements” and at that point in time, that was enough. We had a good back and forth going on the app which translated to text so when he asked if I wanted to go out, I immediately said yes.

He offered a dive bar and something a bit classier but since I am trash, picked the dive route. He beat me there and the bar was full so I had no idea who I was really looking for. I called him, a man turned around, and that was not what I signed up for. Fuck it. Already there. Could stay for a drink.

When I got home I looked at his profile and saw what happened. Most of his pics had this other guy in them so I just assumed the other guy was who I was meeting up with and I just didn’t look close enough.

Despite not being the most attractive, James delivered. We just had a solid banter and he took the time to ask questions. He had grown up in the area and then got into construction so he ended up going down to Florida to flip houses for a while. Eventually, he made his way back up to MA and did tiling and caulking jobs. He lived maybe 10/15 minutes from me and did not vote republican. Really, couldn’t ask for more.

I just liked talking to him and there was an interesting sexual tension between us that I wanted to explore. I can’t explain it but we had an energy there that I hadn’t had in a while. I don’t know if it was because we were polar opposites or if it was from all the Coronas we chugged but, it just felt like we were equally interested in the other and he had this air about him that drew me in.

We drank quite a bit and he covered everything. We shut the bar down so he walked me to my car around the corner (I can’t parallel park). I was cold so he put his arm around me which felt so good. It’s small, but those are the things that make me feel important.

As expected, when we got to the car we had a *tasteful make-out. Nothing too crazy but definitely left us both wanting more. So when he asked if we could go out again a few days later, I couldn’t say no.

Encounter #84.1: Basketball

App: Tinder

Name: Jeffrey*

Date Location: Acapulcos – Quincy, MA

Location Review: 2.0 Stars – You want a Mexican family restaurant that tastes like white people made the food? Look no further.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Jeffrey was a winner of “How Hot Can I Bag” to put it simply. There was no reason why this model of a human would swipe right on my ass but there we were.

There was some delay in us meeting up. I got sent out to travel for work earlier than expected and then with a delayed flight, it made us text for longer than I’d like. That said, the conversation leading up wasn’t particularly anything. We covered general stuff but we were by no means up each other’s assholes. He used to play basketball at the college behind my apartment and lived with a former teammate. He used to own a house but sold it to move back up here and he played Call of Duty on occasion. Really, nothing out of the ordinary.

Finally, my ass landed back in Boston and we made plans to go out. He picked this random ass restaurant that I remembered from local tv ads as a kid. Just an interesting vibe for a first date.

He looked as good as his photos and quickly I realized that was all he really brought to the table. The conversation was terrible. I was carrying the team on my damn back and he at no point volleyed a question my way.

At one point, he got up to use the bathroom and I went to text my friend about how shitty it was. It was then I realized we had only been out for 32 minutes. 32. Fucking. Minutes. That’s not even a whole episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I was planning on leaving when he came back but he suggested food and I was broke so I went for it.

It just went downhill from there. We started at “What are you looking for?” which I was very up front about. He then responds by telling me he’s looking to settle down and felt like it’s time since he’s getting older. Two beers later we ended at him asking if I was into rough sex and ever had a threesome. He then shared how he had a threesome with his best friend but based on the timeline, he had a girlfriend who was not the girl he was telling me about. So thank you for telling me how you cheated on your girl.

He then shared that he had pregamed the date. I asked if it was because he was nervous. Nope. Just wanted to be buzzed before he got there. I get it. But why are you telling me this?

It was time for me to go and he insisted on walking me to my car. Fuck. Was hoping to ditch him. When we got to the car I tried my hardest but couldn’t escape. We made out. I mean the make out was fine but it wasn’t good enough to make up for everything else.

When I got home, I got the drunken “Come throughhh” text. Nope. Too old for this shit. Blocked. Unmatched. Done.

Encounter #82.1: Brazil

App: Hinge

Name: Joao*

Date Location: Spettus Brazilian Steakhouse & Fowler House Cafe – Quincy, MA

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – The parking lot gave me food poisoning vibes but everything was fine. Apparently as far as Brazilian BBQ goes, it’s okay but the food was cheap.

3.5 Stars – It’s your basic sports bar. Has cozy atmosphere though.

Date Duration: 9 hours

What Happened:

My “bar” at this point in time was at a historical low so it was very refreshing to match with someone who genuinely wanted to talk to me. Not too long into chatting on the app we moved to text and conversation was easy. Joao even would remember shit I said and then follow up on it days later. For example, I told him I was getting my booster shot whatever day and this kid texted me the day of to wish me luck and see how I was going. Just very sweet.

We texted nearly nonstop so we covered decent ground going in. I did know that he had a breakup recent-ish and that it was a long-term thing since he got a dog with his ex around 2017ish and she ended up keeping it. But we’re also 30 so not too shocking at this point. We did have similar taste in music though. Both of us bump Daughtry more than we should admit and it was fun sending song recs back and forth. He also has struggled with weight and body image in the past which was extremely comforting on my end. I don’t find a lot of men truly “get it” so it was refreshing to talk to someone who could sympathize.

Finally, it came time to meet up and he offered to come close to me which I always appreciate. Since he is Brazilian, BBQ came up quite a bit and since he knew the ropes he offered to take me. There was only one Brazilian place by me and there were questionable yelp reviews, but fuck it. We were in it together.

The parking lot looked like a place where I’d get food poisoning no lie. But, I saw Joao in the parking lot, and not only did he look like his pics, he was cute. Very tall and had a broader build so I felt like a lady.

We got in and he talked me through everything. Also was super hot when he ordered for me in Portuguese. Oh my god. I know he was just ordering chicken but it sounded so sexy and I kept staring at him like a loser.

We sat down to eat and conversation was just as easy as it was over text. So easy, that we were at the restaurant for a solid 5 hours. Politically, we had the same views and it was clear he knew his shit. Also, we got a little deep. It came up at some point that I had been with someone for 6 years from high school into college and that’s when he gave me a little more about himself. That relationship he had told me about over text, was his ex-wife. They had been together for 12 years, 4 of which they were married, and it ended when she cheated on him. So when I asked him if he had any bad dates this explained why he didn’t have much to say. He really never dated.

I didn’t mind this. If anything, it kinda made him hotter. I know I am jaded AF so to be with someone who really had no idea what to expect and is “house trained” so to speak, was refreshing.

Since we had been at the restaurant so long we heard the music start repeating, I asked if he wanted to go to a bar down the road. At this point, I didn’t know how he felt about me but he agreed so I guess I was in the clear.

The next place went similarly. We talked and talked and talked until the bar closed down. He had parked behind me so we walked together. I kept giving him the eyes not sure what to expect. We hugged, which considering he had never really dated I took as a good sign, and I was happy to see his name pop up on my phone when I got home.

Encounter #76.1: Navy

App: Tinder

Name: Kurt*

Date Location: Dovetail – Charlestown, MA

Location Review:  4.5 Stars – Drinks were great. Food was tasty. Would 1000% go back.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Kurt appeared to be cute in his profile and was someone who not only could keep a conversation going on the app but, he kept it interesting. He asked unique questions and it seemed like he truly wanted to get a sense of who I was, my values, and what I was looking for. Not bad.

He gave me a date and place to meet and when I saw the menu I was pretty excited. I don’t normally drive down to Boston during the week but for that menu, I could make an exception. He beat me to the restaurant and as I approached him it looked like he put some real effort into his appearance that day. My dude had a fitted button down, nice pants, whole thing.

Overall Kurt was really kind. He grew up with a single mom and very much respected women because of that. He had an interesting history and it was clear he really had to bust his ass to get where he is now. He used to do video editing for a local college back in Denver but with COVID had to shift gears and decided to join the Navy.

Despite that, there was just something off. I didn’t know if he was just an awkward person or if it was because he was from the midwest but it just wasn’t working for me. He also had an interesting dating history in that he didn’t have any whatsoever and he did tell me that he was a virgin. Nothing wrong with that but, just not something I am looking to jump into.

He walked me to my car at the end of the night and we hugged good bye. Because he was so nice I felt like I should text him rather than ghost. I said my piece, let him down easy, and that was the end of that.

Encounter #74.2: Deez Nuts

App: Tinder

Name: Peter*

Date Location: The Hidden Pig – Haverhill, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – The dry rub wings? Fucking magic.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

I was dead inside. Peter was there. He offered to take me out for food. I said yes. I met him at his place and we had some time to kill before our reservation. So we ended up making out very aggressively, me blowing him, and him finishing on my chest…I had been there 10 minutes.

After some clean up, we drove over to the restaurant together. Despite us having different values, he was extremely easy to talk to. There was never any awkward silence and genuinely, I did enjoy talking to him so dinner went fine.

When we got back to his place we cuddled up on the couch and watched some Netflix. I did notice though that he’d ask for my opinion and then completely disregard it. He asked me what I wanted to watch and before we settled on Netflix I saw a tile for South Park. That was shot down. We got to Netflix and he asked me again and I saw something that looked good. That was also shot down. Bro, why bother even asking me my opinion if you’re just going to do whatever the fuck you want anyways?

We settled on Sex/Life and watched a few episodes. Then he asked me if I wanted to continue what we were doing earlier upstairs. Fuck it.

It was uhhh not great. At first things were fine. He was doing stuff to me but the issue was that it lasted about 2 minutes. We were upstairs maybe 5 minutes and he already reached for a condom. I asked for more and he just kinda rubbed my clit for a sec and that was it. We started fucking and it just wasn’t all that great because quite frankly it was entirely about him and his ego. Since he blew a massive load earlier, he wasn’t having luck finishing so he asked if I’d lick his balls again.

Hoping that last time was a fluke, I agreed. A few minutes in it started. “You like deez nuts?”. I dried up instantly. There was a moment when I was down there that I thought to myself, “Laura, if you end up dating and marrying this guy you’ll have to hear this for the rest of your life” and I couldn’t do it. It took everything in me not to bust out laughing.

I left not too long after and decided that that was the end of this run. I will say, for someone who claimed to be such a gentleman this fucker didn’t text me the day after we had sex. Actually he didn’t text me for a week until he asked at 8pm if I’d come over to Netflix and chill. Hard. Pass.

Encounter #74.1: Deez Nuts

App: Tinder

Name: Peter*

Date Location: Buono Bistro – North Andover, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – So nice and very classy! Would absolutely go back to try some of the entrees. They looked amazing.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

You know how when you’re hungry you shouldn’t go to the grocery store? Same idea applies to using dating apps when you’re lonely.

I swiped right on Peter during one of those nights where I just wasn’t feeling fantastic so when he messaged me and asked if I’d like to get dinner the next night I wasn’t expecting much. Tbh I didn’t even remember his profile so figured I’d just say “Fuck it” and go for the meal.

The restaurant he picked looked v nice so was excited at least for that part. When he got out of the car he was a bit more petite than I thought he’d be. Not unattractive but I had a solid 2 inches and 25 pounds on him. Fuck it. I was already there.

We got seated in a booth and he ordered a bottle of wine and an app for us to share off the bat. AIGHT. It didn’t take much for him to give me the life story. He worked in finance and recently bought a condo. Definitely had much more traditional views than me especially when it came to gender roles in a relationship. Politically he was a, “I think we need to come together…I didn’t like Trump as a person but fiscally he made more sense” types. So take that as you will.

He also was relatively fresh out of a relationship so that was a fun thing to hear about. Basically, he dated this 21 year old girl (he was 28), she felt that the relationship was moving too fast, and she freaked out. Totally get it. She was a baby and he was talking about her moving in and eventually getting married. Just different walks of life. He did mention though that he normally dates in that 21-23 range but then also didn’t understand why that wasn’t working out. K. You do you, Peter. But he did say that he was totally fine to start dating again and be out with me because he hadn’t thought about her all week. What a flex.

Now I can’t explain how the rest of this happened but all I can do is chalk it up to I felt dead inside and just wanted to see wtf would happen out of sheer boredom. If you’ve ever dated a lot, you may know this feeling all too well. You’re truly just numbed out and want to see if you can feel anything. Could be happiness could be disgust. Just want to see how dead you are. (Disclaimer: I go to therapy and shit regularly. It’s really fine).

Throughout the night, I did notice he was constantly staring at my tits. I mean I get it but be less obvious. He was also moving closer to me in the booth. We were talking love languages and I said mine was physical touch and he started holding my hand. This man had baby hands like I have never seen before. Wow. Truly a modern marvel.

Somehow we ended up making out in the booth and I was 50 shades of uncomfortable. I’ve waitressed before and this was a nice restaurant. I can guarantee our antics were gossiped about in the kitchen.

I suggested we continue this at my car. He paid the check and let himself into the car. I meant outside of it but okay. I guess we’re doing that. He kept insisting that I go back to his place and I agreed on the basis that we don’t fuck. Apparently that was fine and I went to the condo.

Place was decent. Little bare on the walls but for a man’s place not bad. He gave me the tour and as it always goes, when we made it to the bedroom started making out. I was still on my period so I didn’t get all too much out of it but when do I ever? I made moves to blow him and he asked me to lick his balls. Fine. I’m already down there and about to put a dick in my mouth. Doesn’t make too much of a difference. Then it happened.

He was more vocal in bed than I had been used to which wasn’t necessarily a problem. What I had issue with was what was said. After a few “Oh fucks” he came out with “You like these nuts?”…what? There was no way I heard that right so I just kept going and he said it again. And again. And he didn’t stop until I said “Yeah” which, by the way, is very difficult to say when you have someone’s balls in your mouth.

I was shocked so when he asked to finish on my face I really just kind of went with it. He really said “these nuts” in bed. This couldn’t have been real.

I left shortly after and for whatever reason, agreed to go out with him again.

Encounter #72.1: Mr. Brown

App: Tinder

Name: Stanley*

Date Location: River Bar – Somerville, MA

Location Review:  4 Stars – We just drank so not sure how it is food wise. Was close to a parking lot and faced water so that was really nice.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

After the trauma of a date the night before, I needed a win. Stanley came off very high energy and fun based on his profile alone and looked like Sterling K. Brown so I was down for whatever. He asked me out for drinks and took the time to find a place with parking so that only got him extra points.

When he walked up, he looked just like his photos and really did look like Sterling. It was wild. I had just come from a baby shower so I was a bit more dressed up than usual. He gave me a hug and immediately went in with, “Damn, look at you! Baby isn’t even born yet and you already stunting on that kid.” I was sold. This was going to be a fun date.

Talking to Stanley was freaky easy. We both love to just shoot the shit so there weren’t any awkward pauses. From what I could tell, he had his shit relatively together. Because of COVID, he had to move back in with his family but he signed on a lease and was moving out by the end of the summer. Stanley went to Boston University and was also a former RA so we had plenty to talk about there and he also worked in marketing. Just endless things to cover.

We were there quite awhile and I wasn’t sure if he was into me or not. Yes, conversation was there but we’re both bullshit artists. Was he just talking to talk, or was there something more?

At one point he reached across the table and tapped my hand while he was talking. Okay, promising. I pushed my hand a little closer towards him and he took the bait. Hand was held. Houston, the ship has landed. Apparently we looked cute together because the waitress kept stopping by and going “Ugh, you guys are so beautiful!” and shit like that.

It was getting late so Stanley held my hand and walked me back to my car. I thought he was going to go for the kiss but instead we had an oddly long hug. When we broke apart he asked if he could kiss me. It was alright. I was coming off the Air Man from a few weeks earlier so in comparison, it just didn’t have that same magic.

We texted here and there in the weeks after but with it being summer, neither one of us was ever free and the spark died naturally.