Tag: Make out

Encounter #93.1: San Fran

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App: Hinge

Name: Victor*

Date Location: Bartaco – Boston, MA

Location Review:  4 Stars – We just drank so not sure how it is food-wise but atmosphere was nice

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

It was my birthday week so damn it, was going to be my week of 20-FINE. When Victor asked me to go out that Friday, had to say yes.

Going in, I did think Victor was going to look like an ill, victorian child based on his photos but when I saw him IRL he was really cute. Tall, decent build, no complaints.

We got a spot at the bar and started chatting. Conversation over text was good and it seemed to translate decently in person. He was from San Francisco originally but came to Boston for college so he could play soccer and then he never left. Worked in sales at some 3-D printing company and was the baby in a popular movie I will not share to keep his anonymity.

Tbh I had no idea if he liked me. At one point he asked me how I thought things were going and I blurted out, “The fuck I know. I can’t get a read on if you’re enjoying this or not”. He confirmed that he was and started breaking out of his shell more and more.

He was definitely west coast in that he was way more chill than me. But he had some moves on him. At one point there was a lull in the conversation and he just blurted out that he thought I was so attractive. So that was cool.

He found out it was my birthday week so he wanted to do something fun with me. I wasn’t looking to be out all night so we decided to walk along the water in Seaport. On the way there, he held my hand and then did this flick of the wrist thing to pull me in. Next thing I knew we were making out and it was pretty damn good. We kept walking and when we got to the water took a bench and kept making out. We were those people.

It was getting late so he walked me all the way to the train and we texted here and there the next day. Then it just stopped. And I don’t know if this is connected in any way but, I tested positive for Covid 3 days later. Curious. Very curious.

Encounter #73.3: Home Team

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App: Tinder

Name: Owen*

Date Location: Mel’s Funway Park, Pipe Dream Brewing & Buffalo Wild Wings – Litchfield, Londonderry, & Manchester, NH

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – It’s decent. I like tacky ass theme golf so Mel’s doesn’t quite deliver on that but still a solid mini course.

4.0 Stars – Good vibes. Good beer.

N/A – It’s a BWW.

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

It had been over a month since the last time I saw Owen. His work schedule sucked plus we were both out of town on the weekends. But, we did text every day in the time between and it seemed like we both wanted to see each other.

Because of this long delay, Owen felt kinda bad and said he wanted to make it up to me with a cheesey ass date. OH OKAY OWEN I SEE YOU. We picked mini golf and talked trash in the days leading up. This was going to be the match to end all matches.

We didn’t end up keeping track of scores. We gave ourselves fake names, dicked around, and spoke in Australian accents as the other went up to putt. He looked especially handsome that day so I was a bit distracted and we hadn’t seen each other in so long that there was a lot to cover.

It was hot as balls that day so after sweating our asses off we needed beer. Just like last time, it was easy to connect. I don’t even remember what exactly we talked about but there weren’t any awkward pauses. Really, I wish I had more juicy details to share but it was nice conversation with a good human. He did end up keeping our scorecard though.

Things did get spicy though when the bar closed down. Since it was a Sunday, the brewery closed early. Owen walked me to my car and asked if I was up to anything. I didn’t have plans. He didn’t have plans. So we decided to have no plans together. He was really craving wings so we decided to go to another spot. It was then in broad ass daylight we made out in the parking lot. He got a little spicy here. I was wearing shorts and I felt him slide his hand up my leg a bit. Oh baby.

When we got to Buffalo Wild Wings, we were definitely a bit closer than we normally were in that when we sat down at the bar, our legs and arms were touching. I am 1000% a physical touch person so small things like that go a long way in my book. Things were looking promising.

I will admit, I went into this date with full expectation to fuck. Provided that we weren’t awkward from not seeing each other, I figured it would happen. I showed up shaved and with extra underwear and condoms in my purse. It was getting late for him so it was time for us to wrap up. He gave me his arm (what a gent), walked me to my car, and we started getting into it.

Owen had a bit more edge than I thought so instead of just kissing me this time, he had me laid out on the side of my car. Alright, basement flooded. However, we were in a mall parking lot and very exposed. For those who have been long time readers, you know that this is my norm. I will lick anyone anywhere. However, I have noticed that making out in a parking lot in NH is a bit more exposed than sucking someone’s face on a street corner in NYC. Like people were flicking their lights at us and yelling shit from their windows as they drove by.

I think Owen knew where I was pushing things to go but it was late and he really needed to go to bed. He did say that we needed to set up a sleepover soon though. *Sigh* I s’pose I could hold out a little longer. (Low key though, I was fine with this. There was a moment where I realized he ate spicy wings and I wasn’t sure how that was going to pan out on my bits if we fucked. Rather not burn my kitty). We eventually went our separate ways home but as soon as I pulled into my driveway I saw a text from him and smiled like a fucking loser.

Encounter #57.1: Drink, Drank, Drunk

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App: Tinder

Name: Sebastian*

Date Location: A Mexican spot on the Upper East Side, Sugar East & The Jeffrey

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – Drinks and atmosphere were good but service was slow and they close early.

2.0 Stars – Pretentious AF. Attracts a “Gossip Girl” crowd and trust fund babies. Doesn’t serve Bud Light.

4.0 Stars – Tight space but has a ton of craft beer options including cider and has a cozy vibe.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

During a night of “How Hot Can I Bag” Sebastian came across my phone screen and I swiped right immediately. Boy was a snack and somehow we matched.

Conversation with him was easy. Pretty quickly we moved to texting and he kept up. For once, I didn’t have to carry the team and I was excited. He asked me out and plans were set.

He lived on the Upper East Side so I ventured into the city for his ass. I waited outside the bar and was pleasantly surprised that he looked as attractive as his photos. The bar he picked was pretty packed so we walked about a block down to another spot. Despite being physically attracted to him, I wasn’t sure where I stood with him. He wasn’t talking all that much and his voice was kind of flat. Was he just monotone or was he disappointed?

We sat down on some couches and I noticed he put his arm on the cushion behind me. I guess I wasn’t that ugly? The conversation between us wasn’t too bad, it definitely livened up after a drink though. He grew up in Michigan and came from a big, conservative, Catholic family (he stressed the conservative Catholic thing a bit more than I was comfortable with) and worked in consulting. As the conversation went on I realized that not only was his voice that fucking flat but, his arm moved from the couch to my shoulder. Things were getting spicy.

He slowly moved closer and closer and I was slowly losing interest. Things weren’t terrible, I just wasn’t feeling it. Then before I knew it I sucked down 3 sangrias and his face was an inch from mine. We kissed.

It was okay. Nothing earth shattering but I figured I should give him a shot. After all, things weren’t bad and I had already made it all the way out there. May as well get my money’s worth on that subway fare.

We kept chatting and he was getting on my nerves. He wouldn’t let shit go. He found out I did marching band in high school and college and it was “so weird” to be out with me since he was a jock back in the day. *eye roll*

He also wouldn’t stop saying how sexy I was and kept making out with me mid-sentence. Thank you for the compliments, I appreciate it. But, I actually want to get to know your ass. Leave me alone.

For whatever reason, I thought this shit would get better if we moved to another bar. We were sitting on a couch so maybe if we weren’t, he would stop trying to suck out my tonsils. I was wrong.

We moved to yet another bar and at this point I knew I was getting drunk. I backed off and got a beer that was like 4-5% ABV. He went for a stronger beer. Fuck. The whole time he kept making out with me and going on and on and on about how hot I was. (I mean thanks but chill). I signaled to the bartender for the check and this motherfucker wanted to walk out. WTF. I threw my card down and left a solid tip for this poor guy.

To get to the train, we had to walk by Sebastian’s apartment and he kept pulling me to try to get me upstairs. I kept saying no and eventually he backed off and went up solo. As soon as I heard the door click shut behind him I unmatched and blocked that fucker. Good. Night.

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Encounter #54.1: Coast Guard

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App: Bumble

Name: Jesse*

Date Location: Crema & The Ashford – Jersey City

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – I fucking love this coffee shop. It’s adorable as shit plus the owner is almost always there so everyone is on point.

4.0 Stars – Cool date spot. The decor makes it feel a little sexy with the velvet wallpaper, happy hour is good, beautiful rooftop, and has a gay bar attached.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Jesse wasn’t normally my type but, he was a winner of “How Hot Can I Bag”. He was about 30, in the coast guard, and lived in the neighborhood next to my office. This could work.

What stood out to me was how straight forward he was. We had been chatting back and forth over the weekend on Bumble and then he asked for my number. Since he was driving, he gave me a call. In my youth, this would have pissed the shit out of me but he let this joke go so it all worked out.

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We talked on the phone for about 2/3 hours and conversation was pretty easy. We were both laid back people with the most vulgar vocabulary so the jokes were flowing. He grew up military so he had lived all over the place but what stood out was how much he loved Boston. He apparently memorized my whole profile, knew my hometown, and said a major reason why he swiped right was because I was a New Englander. Never in my life had it benefited me this much to be from the north east.

He was also very candid. We talked about past relationships and without much prying he told me that he had been single for about a year, was previously engaged, and that it was a long distance relationship. Because of this relationship, he stopped drinking. Also something that normally would bother me but, for whatever reason I wasn’t phased. He seemed to know his own limits and had it handled. We made plans to see each other the next night.

Jesse wasn’t into the bar scene. Not just because of his sobriety but he just was weirded out by the whole online dating thing and would rather grab coffee and walk around. We met at a cafe to start off the night. He looked a lot like his photos, maybe a bit more rough around the edges though. I knew he was also pretty crass but let’s just say you could tell he worked on boats based on how he spoke and carried himself.

Conversation was okay, not as good as it was the night before. I became hyper aware of this and started making jokes to fill the silence. Apparently, I went too far. I had made a joke about crying in the shower and another about getting hit by a bus to pay off my student loans which then led him to keep asking me if I was okay. Yes, bitch. I just think self deprecation is hilarious and I’m nervous GAH.

We finished our coffee and went for a walk around the neighborhood. I could tell he definitely wanted to touch me but for whatever reason, he didn’t throughout the whole walk. I figured I had said too much weird shit but then he asked me if we wanted to go somewhere else and get something to eat. WELL SHIT.

Despite him being crass, he was respectful. When we got to the car he opened the door for me and when we parked he came around to my side to walk with me which I found sweet. As we walked to the bar he started to get a bit more physical with me. If there was a puddle he’d pull me to the side or pull me back in if I was about to step into the crosswalk too soon. Just oddly sweet, gentlemanly stuff.

We sat next to each other at the table and wouldn’t shut the fuck up long enough for the waitress to get our order. Things were finally moving in the right direction. Or at least I thought.

Over time, he started touching my leg, stroking my arm, and then finally it happened. We kissed. And it was pretty solid. He held my face and had his fingers all in my hair. Right amount of tongue. And when we stopped we had that moment of eye contact when you both think OH FUCK YEAH and then do it again.

Despite this solid kiss, I apparently wasn’t as open as I thought because he said, “You come off pretty icy. I can definitely tell that you’re a huge softie on the inside but it feels like you have a wall up”. Well that was some fucking news to me.

Later, I had made some comment about how I was surprised he was still out with me. He was a fucking 10 and I am…well I am my weird ass, trashy, self. He took it a bit the wrong way and started going in on how I was so beautiful, funny, and all this other shit. Listen, I don’t need someone to build me up. I was just saying that he was hot AF. That’s it.

Somehow, things seemed to be fine. He drove me home and on the way we kept playing each other songs we had on repeat. Apparently mine were sad…wtf.

He parked and as I got out I couldn’t figure out how to lock the door. I made some joke about trying to find the clit and he made some comment about how whatever I was saying/doing was working on him. Boom. Success.

At the door we made out a bit and he was pushing to get upstairs. I declined. TBH I wanted to say yes but my room was a mess and I wasn’t feeling all too fresh if you catch my drift. He left a bit abruptly after that and I told him to text me when he got home.

On his way home he sent me a song he thought I’d like. I quickly listened to parts of it and thought nothing of it. The next day, I didn’t hear from him. I took another look at the song and more or less, it’s about a woman who loves a man but eventually gives up because his walls are too high and he’s too depressed. COOL. Message received. I’m an icy bitch.

I remembered that he had his medical clearance test that week so a few days later I asked how it went. Apparently it was a fiasco but he didn’t really say much about it. 24 hours passed and I figured FUCK IT. I’d shoot my shot and I asked what he was doing that weekend. No answer. Cool, I guess I did come off a certain way.

I licked my wounds, kept going, and then I got a phone call.

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Encounter #51.1: Doctor, Doctor

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App: Bumble

Name: Alec*

Date Location: Low Fidelity – Jersey City

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – The bar itself is fine. Very millennial with brick walls, string lights, and craft cocktails. Really just like it because it’s close to my apartment.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Yet another attempt at “How Hot Can I Bag” landed me a date with Alec. He was a doctor and was doing research on Alzheimer’s (my philanthropy of choice). We had a lot to talk about so the date was set within hours of matching.

I was being a lazy hoe and since he lived in Jersey City, I had him meet me at one of the bars by my apartment. He walked up and was as attractive as his photos. Thank god.

We got our drinks and once again, I kind of felt like I was carrying the team. He was an interesting guy though. He was originally from Syria so we talked a lot about that and his family. He was applying for medical residency so we also went through all the places he’s been and how the interview process was working out. During all of this, he did recognize that I was asking a lot more about him than he was about me. However, he made no real effort to change that.

One perk about him was that he appreciated how I looked but not in a creepy way. I had been struggling with my body and the fact that I no longer looked 22. At one point he was staring at me then said, “I’m sorry I keep looking at you. You’re just so much prettier in person than you are in your photos”. He also threw in that I looked like I worked out. OH ALEC, YOU SLAY ME.

Shit, of course, got weird. He was with friends before we met up and had a few drinks. As it turned out he was a light weight. We only had 2/3 beers that were 5.2% or something like that and he was drunk. He kept touching my face, saying how cute I was, and losing where we were in the conversation.

I was ready to go home and he insisted on walking me back. That was when he started getting a bit too possessive. Earlier he mentioned he was interviewing in DC at the end of the month and I made a comment about how much I loved it down there. He then doubled down on the walk home and was seriously insisting I take off work to go with him. Mmmmm, nah.

We couldn’t get to my apartment fast enough. Of course, there was the good night kiss. It was better than the last one at my door but still, not great. He texted me when he got home saying he had fun and would see me soon. He also spelled my name wrong so that was cool. I slept on it and ultimately decided I couldn’t do it. Between the weird face touching and seeing him tanked, it was going to be a no from me.

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Encounter #50.1 – The Lizard

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App: Hinge

Name: Tom*

Date Location: Bobby Dee’s – Jersey City

Location Review:  3.0 Stars – The best example of an old man bar I could ever find. Drinks were cheap, band was terrible, but there are sandwiches.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Tom and I matched over the Christmas holiday and texted constantly. Conversation was easy and it definitely helped that he lived just down the hill from me. All about convenient fuckery.

Going in, I didn’t know what to expect physically. He seemed attractive-ish but I was on the fence. I then creeped his ass on Facebook and saw that he was a relatively interesting guy, wasn’t horrible looking all the time, and was in a frat during his college years. Not a fan of that last part but I do love a good fuck boi.

He met me at the bar and it was clear he photographed better than he looked in person and all his photos were older. Well, shit. Maybe the conversation would make up for it?

NOPE. The whole time it felt like I was carrying the team on my back. I was asking plenty of questions but he really wasn’t asking me any. After about an hour an a half he asked if I wanted to get out of there. I had just come home from the holiday that night and I was anxious to get back to my bed and unpack. I went to close out and since I got there first, it was all on my tab. He made no effort to pay for his half. Rockin’.

He offered to walk me home since it was so close and when we got to my apartment he went in for the kiss and I didn’t swerve fast enough. We ended up making out and it was shit. I don’t mean to brag but, I purposely took up the saxophone in the 5th grade so I’d be a better kisser. I know what I’m doing. This motherfucker was kissing like a lizard and wouldn’t back down and follow my rhythm.

He needed to call an Uber and since it was chilly I said I’d let him in and I’d wait in the foyer with him. He then tried to get up to my apartment. Hard no. He invited me to go back with him. Harder no. Somehow I got stuck having to make out with him while he grabbed my ass and waited for his car. Easily the longest 4 minutes of my life.

He went on his way and we never spoke again.

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Encounter #47.1: Shore Store

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App: N/A

Name: Shore Store*

Date Location: Low Fidelity – Jersey City

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – The bar itself is fine. Very millennial with brick walls, string lights, and craft cocktails. Really just like it because it’s close to my apartment.

Date Duration: 10 hours

What Happened:

I met Shore Store months prior at the Jersey Shore. My friend and I wanted to go to Seaside Heights and since my then boyfriend’s family lived near there, he agreed to drop us off while he helped his family with some stuff.

Kaitlin* and I went to Aztec to live out our fist pumping dreams and that’s when we met Shore Store. He bartended there on the weekends and since it was weirdly quiet on the beach that day, the three of us talked quite a bit. He was cute and it turned out he lived only one city over from Kaitlin and I. Since I was not on the market, I pushed Kaitlin to get his number. He was young but he owned a Tesla, was an engineer, and had his shit together. Solid play thing.

Months passed, I was newly single, and Kaitlin was drunk. During her wine stupor, she texted him and let him know that I was available, he should shoot his shot, and passed along my number.

Next thing I knew, I had a text from Shore Store. We texted back and forth but it never really amounted to anything. A few weeks later, he called to let me know he was going to be in Jersey City that night and asked if I wanted to meet up. Fuck it. I agreed on the condition we go to the bar closest to my place, I wouldn’t be wearing make up, and my hair wouldn’t be done. Shore Store agreed.

He picked me up in his Tesla which was pretty cool. The navigation screen was the size of an iPad so that was interesting but the car itself was nice. When we originally met at the shore, he was behind the bar and I was sitting. I didn’t realize until he got out of the car just how short and petite he was. I could bench him. Good face though.

We found a spot and got to drinking. He was a funny guy and for whatever reason, enjoyed my jokes. He was definitely young though. We talked about the day we met and he asked about where my ex went to high school. Turns out they went to the same one…only 5 years apart. Shore Store told Kaitlin and I that he was 24 over the summer. Lil baby was 22.

The more he spoke the more I noticed our age difference. The way he described his sexual exploits just made him seem younger and younger. Then he said that he goes for older women…like myself. I’m 26. Not 46. Chill bro.

Aside from him being a child, we still got along. He drove me back to my apartment and somehow it came out that I write this trash. He really wanted to make the blog so we kissed in the car…he made out like a 22 year old. Too soft, small tongue, and non-threatening. I like some risk in my hook ups.

He talked his way into coming up to my apartment so we threw some comedy special on Netflix while sitting on my bed. I don’t know how it happened, but we made out again and next thing I knew he was on top of me messing with my tits. The whole thing was weird and to top it off, he had a broken rib so even if I wanted to fuck I would have snapped that child in half.

After the most awkward hook up in history, I changed into comfy clothes and asked him if he planned on staying over because I had to go to bed. I was banking on him leaving. After all, we weren’t going to fuck and I basically just put the pressure on. HE FUCKING STAYED. Ugh.

Since I didn’t want to be touched and he wanted to spoon despite his broken ass rib, we had the worst cuddle session in history. The next morning, I had him scoot out before my roommate got up and he texted me some pic of him stuck at a railroad crossing.

I didn’t think I’d hear from him again and for months I didn’t. There was a shooting in my neighborhood and he reached out to see if I was okay. A few more days passed and he asked me if I wanted to go to a comedy club but I was already out. Then he reached out around Christmas…twice. And then he responded to my IG story (that was really posted to show my fuck buddy that I was back in town) and tried to slide in on Kaitlin and I’s plans one night. BRUH. Back to the friend zone you go.

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Encounter #45.1: Hockey Player

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App: Hinge

Name: Rickey*

Date Location: Pet Shop – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Cool, divey spot. Has decent beer selection and a vegetarian menu

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Rickey and I were messaging back and forth for fucking centuries. After awhile, I decided to leave him on read and that’s when he finally asked my ass out.

He met me at the bar and he was a very sweet guy. He grew up in Illinois so he had that midwestern charm, played hockey, and was now coaching kids. FUCK, my ovaries are quivering. He also worked for the NJ Devils and offered up Bruins v Devils tickets. Okay, I see you flexing. Conversation overall was fine. Nothing too too crazy. I definitely felt that I was a bit much for him considering every other word I say is “fuck” but he kept getting drinks so I figured he wasn’t too miserable.

The entire time we were together I couldn’t quite pinpoint who he looked like. He seemed so familiar and it was driving me crazy. Then it hit me. He was a carbon copy of my high school boyfriend. Holy. Shit. Twins.

We both had to get up early the next morning so Rickey walked me down to the train. As we walked I also noticed he lied. He said he was 5’10” on his profile. I am 5’8″. This guy clocked in at easily 5’7″. Either he had early onset osteoporosis and was using his old height or he padded the number. Now, as we know I do not discriminate on height. I have a theory that shorter guys eat pussy better. However, I don’t think it’s right to fudge your numbers. I may not care, but some other bitch will.

We were waiting on the platform for our trains and he asked if he could see me again. I agreed. Then he asked if he could kiss me. I agreed. It was fine. Nothing life changing. The fact that my train was pulling up definitely put a damper on things but all in all, not bad. We texted a bit over the weekend and I never heard from him again.

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Encounter #41.1: Slow Hands

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App: Bumble

Name: Chase*

Date Location: The Ashford & Pint – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Cool date spot. The decor makes it feel a little sexy with the velvet wallpaper, happy hour is good, beautiful rooftop, and has a gay bar attached.

4.0 Stars – This is a basic ass bar. Nothing crazy. BUT their drinks are dirt cheap.

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

I had just started using apps again and was being super passive about it. So, I started playing a game on dating apps called, “How Hot Can I Bag” where I would just swipe without reviewing further if I thought the guy was cute. Shitty bio? Fuck it, I’m using you for sex so does it really matter that you watch The Office?

Chase was one of the first winners. His bio was straight shit, clearly copy and pasted from some bullshit website.

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Come on. We’re better than that. But, he responded to my weird ass gif pretty quickly and asked me out. Boom. ITS GAME TIME BABY.

He was going to school for a financial certificate but since his program was in Stamford, we were a bit limited on when we could meet up. The only night that worked for both of us was the Tuesday I was getting my Nexplanon implant replaced after work.

This wouldn’t normally be a big deal for most. After all, it’s an outpatient procedure that takes all of 15 minutes. However, I pass out. A lot. When I got the implant put in 3 years ago, I fainted later that day while I was driving since I freaked myself out. Although I wouldn’t be driving, there was a strong chance I would pass out in front of a strange male at a bar. FUCK IT.

I got the procedure done and that shit was rough. I expected a small incision, easily pulling it out, and shooting the new one in. Oh no, they had to squeeze and push it through the incision to get it out. This triggered my fainting REAL QUICK. By some act of God, I managed to stay conscious even though my vision went black for a sec.

So while I walked to the train to head to the bar, I freaked the fuck out. I still felt weird from the procedure and broke into cold sweats. Then I started freaking out because I was about to go out with a boy. This entirely new chapter of my life was about to start in a matter of 20 minutes. Holy. Shit.

I beat him to the bar, got a glass of wine, and gave myself a pep talk. This was happening. I was there. There was no turning back. If it was bad, I could leave and would be home in 15 minutes. I got this.

Chase came in and he was more attractive than his photos. Hot damn. He was from Brazil so we talked a lot about his family, how he settled in New Jersey, and where the best Brazilian food in the area was. We joked about how this was really for him to get a green card and he joked that we could even get married in New Hampshire. DEAD.

I don’t remember much about our conversation but, he was definitely hot. I remember having that moment where we locked eyes and felt the sexual tension in the air. At one point I felt his knee touch mine so I pressed mine a little bit into his to see if it was an accident or not. He didn’t move. It felt like the hottest moment of an 1800’s love story.

We decided to switch bars and while I was in the bathroom he moved everything we ordered to his tab and paid. My bar for standards was on the floor at this point so I was completely shook.

I made a wrong turn when walking to the next bar. As I pulled my phone out to get directions he kissed me and it was perfect. Honestly, probably the best kiss I had to date. His lips were so soft and he knew the exact amount of tongue to use in that moment and where to put his hands. So we ended up making out…a lot. I ran my hands down his back and it was clear that he was in great shape. Also, even his arms were super fucking soft! This motherfucker had to be soaking in cocoa butter or some shit.

We made it to the second bar and he let me cover the first round. We sat in one of the booths and the sexual tension continued. We were holding hands, playing with each others’ fingers with our legs intertwined. Probably every 15/20 minutes we’d have a quick make out.

Eventually it was time to head out. After all, it was a Tuesday for godsake. I went to make the turn for the train but he insisted on driving me home. I was convinced I would die but YOLO. I survived the Nexplanon, I could survive the trip home.

We made out a lot in his car on arrival and he was doing his best to get the invite upstairs. But he wasn’t asking like any other guy had before. Instead of saying, “let’s take this upstairs”, he said, “I want to explore your body and kiss you all over.” UHM K. HAI. Normally I wouldn’t go for this line but it does have some power when it comes with a Portuguese accent from a hottie.

Despite getting intensely turned on, I wasn’t ready to fuck just yet. This was my first date since everything happened. I needed to chill a bit. So, I offered for him to walk me to my apartment. As soon as we got to the door, we made out extremely heavily and this went on for at least 10 minutes until I finally realized what time it was. I sent Chase on his way and went up to my apartment.

I did it. I got a bit of my groove back.

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Encounter #31.1: Above Average

Published on by datinglauraLeave a comment

App: Hinge

Name: Jared*

Date Location: Salute Brick Oven Bistro – Montclair, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Although the menu is essentially all in Italian, the food is BOMB and it’s BYOB so you can get as drunk as you want for as little as you want.

Date Duration: 7 hours

What Happened:

I had kept the same Hinge profile since I got the app. My photos had not changed too much and I liked my answers to some of their conversation starters. Over the course of 8 months I started to notice patterns on what people would “Like” to open the conversation with me. 2 photos in particular get more play but there’s a video of a comedy performance I have that rarely gets noticed. This is what Jared “Liked” to start the conversation.

The conversation just worked with him and in less than a day we exchanged numbers. We texted up the ass and I just didn’t care because he was so fucking funny and we had the same sense of humor. HOW.

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I also drunk texted him. A lot. The first weekend we were texting, I was in DC visiting a friend. I won’t lie, I normally go pretty hard when I go out. DC was another form. It had been several months since I had blacked out and I did not remember ANY of what I said to Jared.

He apparently thought it was cute and then let me drunk text him again when I went home for July 4th. ..and again when I went to party on the 5th. (I drink a lot during the summer. COME AT ME)

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For the first time, in a long time, I was fully excited to meet someone. I knew the basics of who he was but even over text he could make me smile.

He lived near Montclair (a VERY bougie place in NJ) so I met him over there for dinner. As I was staring and waving at a dog that walked by, Jared appeared. He was a lanky lanky white boy. But he had the biggest smile. Alright, I can and have done worse.

I was so excited that he brought white wine. I don’t know if it was chance or that he remembered I liked it but it worked in his favor. Right off the bat, we got along. It took us over a half hour to order food because we just wouldn’t shut the fuck up. (The food was BOMB btw. Got those meatballs with the fontina cheese in it and some kind of breaded chicken with rosemary. So good!)

We also killed the bottle of wine pretty quickly. OOPS. (By we I mean me. Damage was done.) When we finished at the restaurant he asked if I wanted to see the rest of downtown Montclair. On the way, we passed a bar that my co-worker recommended and we stopped in front of it. He was talking all about it and showing me the fun things and I felt him touch me a little more. Nothing crazy. Just a hand briefly on my back or my arm. So I thought to myself, FUCK IT IMMA TOUCH HIM. So I touched his arm and leaned into him a bit. Then we kissed. (In front of an abandoned church and garbage can.) Then it turned into a light make out and when we stopped and looked at each other, he had the dorkiest smile on his face. It was adorable.

He took my hand and we walked around a little bit (may have made out on another street corner) and we finally decided that standing on a corner and talking was kind of awk. We sat on a half wall and kept talking and making out for the next 2 hours.

During this time, he told me how nervous he was to meet me. So nervous that he went to Kohl’s on his lunch break to get a new outfit for the date. He also said that for the first time since high school, he had butterflies. SO. SWEET. To top it off, when we started talking, he had a few other conversations with girls going but he stopped answering because I was the only one he really wanted to talk to.

Around 10-something he walked me to my car where we made out slammed up against the trunk of my hatchback. For 2 hours. During this time, there was a tiny Asian lady in her car 2 spots from mine and we had no idea she was there until she pulled out of the garage. OOPS. We were going at it pretty hard to the point I had several hickeys on my neck and he indirectly asked me to come back to his place. I declined, but we continued on making out like teenagers.

I drove him back to where he parked and we made out for the entire Shawn Mendes album. My brother was staying at my apartment so things were cut short when he decided to call me at 1am and see if I was dead. THANKS BRO.

I drove home so happy for once. As a general life note, during this time I had been having some trouble with my physical and mental health. I was tired of being miserable so I joined a gym by my work and signed up for talkspace. (If you are in a bind at all because of insurance, cost, time, etc. I really encourage you to check out talkspace. It’s super easy to use and they work quickly to find you a therapist.) When this self care started I told myself that unless I already had a conversation going, I wouldn’t pursue anything. At the time, the only person I was speaking to was Jared and he completely surpassed any and all expectations. Date #2 was underway.

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