Encounter #58.1: Gay or European?

App: Tinder

Name: Andre*

Date Location: Atlas Public House – Jersey City

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – I wish I had been to this place sooner. Happy hour deals were on point, food looked good, and had good vibes overall.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Andre had that je ne sais quoi quality that made me want to learn more. Based on his photos he was either really really hot or busted as shit and I needed to find out.

He lived on the other side of my neighborhood which was a huge plus and he was from France so he had a lot in common with my Canadian ass. When he asked me out it felt oddly respectful. He didn’t tell me where we were going but to meet outside the McDonald’s by one of the train stations. Different vibe but I was there for it.

He walked up and fortunately looked like his hot pictures. Halleloo! He was quite tall, probably 6’5″, dark hair, and dressed all cute and European. We walked a few buildings down to this bar neither one of us had been to yet.

I want to say conversation was good but tbh I had no idea what he said for the first 15 minutes. He had a pretty thick French accent, the music was a hair too loud, and I was sitting just far enough away that I had to gauge the whole conversation on his facial expressions. Eventually I got the hang of things and we managed to have a normal conversation.

We had a lot in common. With him being French and my family being from Canada we had a lot to talk about. There were certain foods our families made, we knew Celine Dion’s best work, and we both could appreciate old ass French names.

There were a few differences. To start, I’m trashy AF. We were talking about dating and in France they like to get as close to a person without actually kissing them. This is why hand kisses are a thing there. I then told him that in NJ, we shove tongues down the other’s throat. Oops.

Weirdly enough, we had the SAME music taste. Lady Gaga, Kesha, and Pitbull. Also, we both frequented gay bars and loved to dance. Perhaps a red flag? Or, possibly the best thing to happen to both of us?

We had a few drinks and it was starting to get a bit late. We were headed in the same direction so we took the train together. Before we split we went to the side to say our goodbyes. He said, in what I took to be a flirtatious tone, “We can do this the French way”. I took this the wrong way. I went in thinking we were going to le French kiss. So I went in, he swerved, I realized what happened, and we both went “OH GOD. Sorry!” We hugged, I went on my way, and never spoke again.

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Encounter #59.1: The Wrestler

App: Hinge

Name: Rhett*

Date Location: The Cuban – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Really nice spot where you can hear each other and it just feels warm and romantic

Date Duration: 3-4 hours

What Happened:

Almost immediately after matching on Hinge, Rhett asked for my number and we got to it. Even though we didn’t message much, he seemed weird and my flavor of funny.  Plus he lived in Hoboken a few buildings down from one of my friends so there was a huge convenience factor.

He walked in and was definitely attractive. Like I would consider slightly out of my league but THERE WE WERE. We started drinking and conversation was wicked easy. He also hated making small talk over text so we had tons of stuff to cover.

He worked in some kind of tech sales and clearly came from money. He went to one of the most expensive private high schools in our area, grew up in a BOUGIE town in NJ, and while we were on our date his family was sitting in box seats at Madison Square Garden. Casual. He told me that when he was in high school he just had to get a job to get a car. Meaning he did not have to succeed in this job and save money. Literally all someone needed to do was say “You’re hired!” and his dad would buy him a decent car. WHAT.

Money aside, he was fucking cool. We kept roasting each other and for the first time in awhile, I was enjoying myself. I noticed his ear was all fucked up and asked if he wrestled growing up. He said jokingly responded, “Oh yeah, just point out my deformities. It’s cool. But yeah, good catch.”

At one point he asked how I liked the bar. I told him it was nice and it had been awhile since the last time I was there. He then told me he wanted to pick somewhere where we could actually talk, hear each other, and get to know the other. A boy planned a date?! WTF.

He did have some red flags though. He had told me about a few of his past relationships and a few things stuck out. He had cheated before which I could get over but more importantly, he had broken up with a girl because she wanted to get married one day which was a bit real for me. It was the first date so I figured I’d get to know him a bit better before judging anything.

We eventually moved from the bar to a table because he didn’t want to keep craning his neck to look at me. Before we could move, we had to close out the bar tab. I went to get my card to pay and he immediately shooed it.

Conversation continued at the table (and I even got some snacks). At one point he coyly looked down then back up at me and said, “So I had fun. I mean if you’d want to do this again I’d be down”. I agreed.

The bartender seemed pretty keen on getting out so we closed out (he paid again) and he walked me to my Uber a few blocks down. When we got to the car we kissed. It was really good. He knew what he was doing, I could feel how muscular his back was through his shirt, and he smelled amazing.

He had told me straight up that he was a shitty texter so I didn’t really expect much from him after the date. The Sunday after our date I asked if he was free and would want to meet up again. He agreed and we decided on the Tuesday of that week with the intention of solidifying plans the day of.

Tuesday rolled around so I followed up. 91531239_3092566164089135_4134750722208038912_n.jpg

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Never heard from again.

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Encounter #57.1: Drink, Drank, Drunk

App: Tinder

Name: Sebastian*

Date Location: A Mexican spot on the Upper East Side, Sugar East & The Jeffrey

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – Drinks and atmosphere were good but service was slow and they close early.

2.0 Stars – Pretentious AF. Attracts a “Gossip Girl” crowd and trust fund babies. Doesn’t serve Bud Light.

4.0 Stars – Tight space but has a ton of craft beer options including cider and has a cozy vibe.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

During a night of “How Hot Can I Bag” Sebastian came across my phone screen and I swiped right immediately. Boy was a snack and somehow we matched.

Conversation with him was easy. Pretty quickly we moved to texting and he kept up. For once, I didn’t have to carry the team and I was excited. He asked me out and plans were set.

He lived on the Upper East Side so I ventured into the city for his ass. I waited outside the bar and was pleasantly surprised that he looked as attractive as his photos. The bar he picked was pretty packed so we walked about a block down to another spot. Despite being physically attracted to him, I wasn’t sure where I stood with him. He wasn’t talking all that much and his voice was kind of flat. Was he just monotone or was he disappointed?

We sat down on some couches and I noticed he put his arm on the cushion behind me. I guess I wasn’t that ugly? The conversation between us wasn’t too bad, it definitely livened up after a drink though. He grew up in Michigan and came from a big, conservative, Catholic family (he stressed the conservative Catholic thing a bit more than I was comfortable with) and worked in consulting. As the conversation went on I realized that not only was his voice that fucking flat but, his arm moved from the couch to my shoulder. Things were getting spicy.

He slowly moved closer and closer and I was slowly losing interest. Things weren’t terrible, I just wasn’t feeling it. Then before I knew it I sucked down 3 sangrias and his face was an inch from mine. We kissed.

It was okay. Nothing earth shattering but I figured I should give him a shot. After all, things weren’t bad and I had already made it all the way out there. May as well get my money’s worth on that subway fare.

We kept chatting and he was getting on my nerves. He wouldn’t let shit go. He found out I did marching band in high school and college and it was “so weird” to be out with me since he was a jock back in the day. *eye roll*

He also wouldn’t stop saying how sexy I was and kept making out with me mid-sentence. Thank you for the compliments, I appreciate it. But, I actually want to get to know your ass. Leave me alone.

For whatever reason, I thought this shit would get better if we moved to another bar. We were sitting on a couch so maybe if we weren’t, he would stop trying to suck out my tonsils. I was wrong.

We moved to yet another bar and at this point I knew I was getting drunk. I backed off and got a beer that was like 4-5% ABV. He went for a stronger beer. Fuck. The whole time he kept making out with me and going on and on and on about how hot I was. (I mean thanks but chill). I signaled to the bartender for the check and this motherfucker wanted to walk out. WTF. I threw my card down and left a solid tip for this poor guy.

To get to the train, we had to walk by Sebastian’s apartment and he kept pulling me to try to get me upstairs. I kept saying no and eventually he backed off and went up solo. As soon as I heard the door click shut behind him I unmatched and blocked that fucker. Good. Night.

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Encounter #54.1: Coast Guard

App: Bumble

Name: Jesse*

Date Location: Crema & The Ashford – Jersey City

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – I fucking love this coffee shop. It’s adorable as shit plus the owner is almost always there so everyone is on point.

4.0 Stars – Cool date spot. The decor makes it feel a little sexy with the velvet wallpaper, happy hour is good, beautiful rooftop, and has a gay bar attached.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Jesse wasn’t normally my type but, he was a winner of “How Hot Can I Bag”. He was about 30, in the coast guard, and lived in the neighborhood next to my office. This could work.

What stood out to me was how straight forward he was. We had been chatting back and forth over the weekend on Bumble and then he asked for my number. Since he was driving, he gave me a call. In my youth, this would have pissed the shit out of me but he let this joke go so it all worked out.

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We talked on the phone for about 2/3 hours and conversation was pretty easy. We were both laid back people with the most vulgar vocabulary so the jokes were flowing. He grew up military so he had lived all over the place but what stood out was how much he loved Boston. He apparently memorized my whole profile, knew my hometown, and said a major reason why he swiped right was because I was a New Englander. Never in my life had it benefited me this much to be from the north east.

He was also very candid. We talked about past relationships and without much prying he told me that he had been single for about a year, was previously engaged, and that it was a long distance relationship. Because of this relationship, he stopped drinking. Also something that normally would bother me but, for whatever reason I wasn’t phased. He seemed to know his own limits and had it handled. We made plans to see each other the next night.

Jesse wasn’t into the bar scene. Not just because of his sobriety but he just was weirded out by the whole online dating thing and would rather grab coffee and walk around. We met at a cafe by my office to start off the night. He looked a lot like his photos, maybe a bit more rough around the edges though. I knew he was also pretty crass but let’s just say you could tell he worked on boats based on how he spoke and carried himself.

Conversation was okay, not as good as it was the night before. I became hyper aware of this and started making jokes to fill the silence. Apparently, I went too far. I had made a joke about crying in the shower and another about getting hit by a bus to pay off my student loans which then led him to keep asking me if I was okay. Yes, bitch. I just think self deprecation is hilarious and I’m nervous GAH.

We finished our coffee and went for a walk around the neighborhood. I could tell he definitely wanted to touch me but for whatever reason, he didn’t throughout the whole walk. I figured I had said too much weird shit but then he asked me if we wanted to go somewhere else and get something to eat. WELL SHIT.

Despite him being crass, he was respectful. When we got to the car he opened the door for me and when we parked he came around to my side to walk with me which I found sweet. As we walked to the bar he started to get a bit more physical with me. If there was a puddle he’d pull me to the side or pull me back in if I was about to step into the crosswalk too soon. Just oddly sweet, gentlemanly stuff.

We sat next to each other at the table and wouldn’t shut the fuck up long enough for the waitress to get our order. Things were finally moving in the right direction. Or at least I thought.

Over time, he started touching my leg, stroking my arm, and then finally it happened. We kissed. And it was pretty solid. He held my face and had his fingers all in my hair. Right amount of tongue. And when we stopped we had that moment of eye contact when you both think OH FUCK YEAH and then do it again.

Despite this solid kiss, I apparently wasn’t as open as I thought because he said, “You come off pretty icy. I can definitely tell that you’re a huge softie on the inside but it feels like you have a wall up”. Well that was some fucking news to me.

Later, I had made some comment about how I was surprised he was still out with me. He was a fucking 10 and I am…well I am my weird ass, trashy, self. He took it a bit the wrong way and started going in on how I was so beautiful, funny, and all this other shit. Listen, I don’t need someone to build me up. I was just saying that he was hot AF. That’s it.

Somehow, things seemed to be fine. He drove me home and on the way we kept playing each other songs we had on repeat. Apparently mine were sad…wtf.

He parked and as I got out I couldn’t figure out how to lock the door. I made some joke about trying to find the clit and he made some comment about how whatever I was saying/doing was working on him. Boom. Success.

At the door we made out a bit and he was pushing to get upstairs. I declined. TBH I wanted to say yes but my room was a mess and I wasn’t feeling all too fresh if you catch my drift. He left a bit abruptly after that and I told him to text me when he got home.

On his way home he sent me a song he thought I’d like. I quickly listened to parts of it and thought nothing of it. The next day, I didn’t hear from him. I took another look at the song and more or less, it’s about a woman who loves a man but eventually gives up because his walls are too high and he’s too depressed. COOL. Message received. I’m an icy bitch.

I remembered that he had his medical clearance test that week so a few days later I asked how it went. Apparently it was a fiasco but he didn’t really say much about it. 24 hours passed and I figured FUCK IT. I’d shoot my shot and I asked what he was doing that weekend. No answer. Cool, I guess I did come off a certain way.

I licked my wounds, kept going, and then I got a phone call.

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Encounter #51.1: Doctor, Doctor

App: Bumble

Name: Alec*

Date Location: Low Fidelity – Jersey City

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – The bar itself is fine. Very millennial with brick walls, string lights, and craft cocktails. Really just like it because it’s close to my apartment.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Yet another attempt at “How Hot Can I Bag” landed me a date with Alec. He was a doctor and was doing research on Alzheimer’s (my philanthropy of choice). We had a lot to talk about so the date was set within hours of matching.

I was being a lazy hoe and since he lived in Jersey City, I had him meet me at one of the bars by my apartment. He walked up and was as attractive as his photos. Thank god.

We got our drinks and once again, I kind of felt like I was carrying the team. He was an interesting guy though. He was originally from Syria so we talked a lot about that and his family. He was applying for medical residency so we also went through all the places he’s been and how the interview process was working out. During all of this, he did recognize that I was asking a lot more about him than he was about me. However, he made no real effort to change that.

One perk about him was that he appreciated how I looked but not in a creepy way. I had been struggling with my body and the fact that I no longer looked 22. At one point he was staring at me then said, “I’m sorry I keep looking at you. You’re just so much prettier in person than you are in your photos”. He also threw in that I looked like I worked out. OH ALEC, YOU SLAY ME.

Shit, of course, got weird. He was with friends before we met up and had a few drinks. As it turned out he was a light weight. We only had 2/3 beers that were 5.2% or something like that and he was drunk. He kept touching my face, saying how cute I was, and losing where we were in the conversation.

I was ready to go home and he insisted on walking me back. That was when he started getting a bit too possessive. Earlier he mentioned he was interviewing in DC at the end of the month and I made a comment about how much I loved it down there. He then doubled down on the walk home and was seriously insisting I take off work to go with him. Mmmmm, nah.

We couldn’t get to my apartment fast enough. Of course, there was the good night kiss. It was better than the last one at my door but still, not great. He texted me when he got home saying he had fun and would see me soon. He also spelled my name wrong so that was cool. I slept on it and ultimately decided I couldn’t do it. Between the weird face touching and seeing him tanked, it was going to be a no from me.

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Encounter #50.1 – The Lizard

App: Hinge

Name: Tom*

Date Location: Bobby Dee’s – Jersey City

Location Review:  3.0 Stars – The best example of an old man bar I could ever find. Drinks were cheap, band was terrible, but there are sandwiches.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Tom and I matched over the Christmas holiday and texted constantly. Conversation was easy and it definitely helped that he lived just down the hill from me. All about convenient fuckery.

Going in, I didn’t know what to expect physically. He seemed attractive-ish but I was on the fence. I then creeped his ass on Facebook and saw that he was a relatively interesting guy, wasn’t horrible looking all the time, and was in a frat during his college years. Not a fan of that last part but I do love a good fuck boi.

He met me at the bar and it was clear he photographed better than he looked in person and all his photos were older. Well, shit. Maybe the conversation would make up for it?

NOPE. The whole time it felt like I was carrying the team on my back. I was asking plenty of questions but he really wasn’t asking me any. After about an hour an a half he asked if I wanted to get out of there. I had just come home from the holiday that night and I was anxious to get back to my bed and unpack. I went to close out and since I got there first, it was all on my tab. He made no effort to pay for his half. Rockin’.

He offered to walk me home since it was so close and when we got to my apartment he went in for the kiss and I didn’t swerve fast enough. We ended up making out and it was shit. I don’t mean to brag but, I purposely took up the saxophone in the 5th grade so I’d be a better kisser. I know what I’m doing. This motherfucker was kissing like a lizard and wouldn’t back down and follow my rhythm.

He needed to call an Uber and since it was chilly I said I’d let him in and I’d wait in the foyer with him. He then tried to get up to my apartment. Hard no. He invited me to go back with him. Harder no. Somehow I got stuck having to make out with him while he grabbed my ass and waited for his car. Easily the longest 4 minutes of my life.

He went on his way and we never spoke again.

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Encounter #45.1: Hockey Player

App: Hinge

Name: Rickey*

Date Location: Pet Shop – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Cool, divey spot. Has decent beer selection and a vegetarian menu

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Rickey and I were messaging back and forth for fucking centuries. After awhile, I decided to leave him on read and that’s when he finally asked my ass out.

He met me at the bar and he was a very sweet guy. He grew up in Illinois so he had that midwestern charm, played hockey, and was now coaching kids. FUCK, my ovaries are quivering. He also worked for the NJ Devils and offered up Bruins v Devils tickets. Okay, I see you flexing. Conversation overall was fine. Nothing too too crazy. I definitely felt that I was a bit much for him considering every other word I say is “fuck” but he kept getting drinks so I figured he wasn’t too miserable.

The entire time we were together I couldn’t quite pinpoint who he looked like. He seemed so familiar and it was driving me crazy. Then it hit me. He was a carbon copy of my high school boyfriend. Holy. Shit. Twins.

We both had to get up early the next morning so Rickey walked me down to the train. As we walked I also noticed he lied. He said he was 5’10” on his profile. I am 5’8″. This guy clocked in at easily 5’7″. Either he had early onset osteoporosis and was using his old height or he padded the number. Now, as we know I do not discriminate on height. I have a theory that shorter guys eat pussy better. However, I don’t think it’s right to fudge your numbers. I may not care, but some other bitch will.

We were waiting on the platform for our trains and he asked if he could see me again. I agreed. Then he asked if he could kiss me. I agreed. It was fine. Nothing life changing. The fact that my train was pulling up definitely put a damper on things but all in all, not bad. We texted a bit over the weekend and I never heard from him again.

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Encounter #41.1: Slow Hands

App: Bumble

Name: Chase*

Date Location: The Ashford & Pint – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Cool date spot. The decor makes it feel a little sexy with the velvet wallpaper, happy hour is good, beautiful rooftop, and has a gay bar attached.

4.0 Stars – This is a basic ass bar. Nothing crazy. BUT their drinks are dirt cheap.

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

I had just started using apps again and was being super passive about it. So, I started playing a game on dating apps called, “How Hot Can I Bag” where I would just swipe without reviewing further if I thought the guy was cute. Shitty bio? Fuck it, I’m using you for sex so does it really matter that you watch The Office?

Chase was one of the first winners. His bio was straight shit, clearly copy and pasted from some bullshit website.

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Come on. We’re better than that. But, he responded to my weird ass gif pretty quickly and asked me out. Boom. ITS GAME TIME BABY.

He was going to school for a financial certificate but since his program was in Stamford, we were a bit limited on when we could meet up. The only night that worked for both of us was the Tuesday I was getting my Nexplanon implant replaced after work.

This wouldn’t normally be a big deal for most. After all, it’s an outpatient procedure that takes all of 15 minutes. However, I pass out. A lot. When I got the implant put in 3 years ago, I fainted later that day while I was driving since I freaked myself out. Although I wouldn’t be driving, there was a strong chance I would pass out in front of a strange male at a bar. FUCK IT.

I got the procedure done and that shit was rough. I expected a small incision, easily pulling it out, and shooting the new one in. Oh no, they had to squeeze and push it through the incision to get it out. This triggered my fainting REAL QUICK. By some act of God, I managed to stay conscious even though my vision went black for a sec.

So while I walked to the train to head to the bar, I freaked the fuck out. I still felt weird from the procedure and broke into cold sweats. Then I started freaking out because I was about to go out with a boy. This entirely new chapter of my life was about to start in a matter of 20 minutes. Holy. Shit.

I beat him to the bar, got a glass of wine, and gave myself a pep talk. This was happening. I was there. There was no turning back. If it was bad, I could leave and would be home in 15 minutes. I got this.

Chase came in and he was more attractive than his photos. Hot damn. He was from Brazil so we talked a lot about his family, how he settled in New Jersey, and where the best Brazilian food in the area was. We joked about how this was really for him to get a green card and he joked that we could even get married in New Hampshire. DEAD.

I don’t remember much about our conversation but, he was definitely hot. I remember having that moment where we locked eyes and felt the sexual tension in the air. At one point I felt his knee touch mine so I pressed mine a little bit into his to see if it was an accident or not. He didn’t move. It felt like the hottest moment of an 1800’s love story.

We decided to switch bars and while I was in the bathroom he moved everything we ordered to his tab and paid. My bar for standards was on the floor at this point so I was completely shook.

I made a wrong turn when walking to the next bar. As I pulled my phone out to get directions he kissed me and it was perfect. Honestly, probably the best kiss I had to date. His lips were so soft and he knew the exact amount of tongue to use in that moment and where to put his hands. So we ended up making out…a lot. I ran my hands down his back and it was clear that he was in great shape. Also, even his arms were super fucking soft! This motherfucker had to be soaking in cocoa butter or some shit.

We made it to the second bar and he let me cover the first round. We sat in one of the booths and the sexual tension continued. We were holding hands, playing with each others’ fingers with our legs intertwined. Probably every 15/20 minutes we’d have a quick make out.

Eventually it was time to head out. After all, it was a Tuesday for godsake. I went to make the turn for the train but he insisted on driving me home. I was convinced I would die but YOLO. I survived the Nexplanon, I could survive the trip home.

We made out a lot in his car on arrival and he was doing his best to get the invite him upstairs. But he wasn’t asking like any other guy had before. Instead of saying, “let’s take this upstairs”, he said, “I want to explore your body and kiss you all over.” UHM K. HAI. Normally I wouldn’t go for this line but it does have some power when it comes with a Portuguese accent from a hottie.

Despite getting intensely turned on, I wasn’t ready to fuck just yet. This was my first date since everything happened. I needed to chill a bit. So, I offered for him to walk me to my apartment. As soon as we got to the door, we made out extremely heavily and this went on for at least 10 minutes until I finally realized what time it was. I sent Chase on his way and went up to my apartment.

I did it. I got a bit of my groove back.

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