Encounter #21.3: Brooklyn Babe

App: Hinge

Name: Khalil*

Date Location: Mills Tavern (Hoboken) and Johnny Rockets

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Honestly I have no idea why I go to Mills. There’s nothing particularly special about it except that it’s easy to find

3.5 Stars– Mediocre food. Has a classic diner atmosphere and bomb ass shakes though

Date Duration: 16 hours

What Happened:

After flaking on me twice in three days, Khalil took it upon himself to make it up to me by suggesting a NJ date. He had me pick the spot and was really overcompensating for flaking as much as he did.

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I met him at the bar and he apologized again for bailing on me. We covered the normal small talk, he kept complimenting me on how good I looked, and did all the right things to physically say he liked me. I loved how he would keep his arm on the back of my chair, rest his hand on my knee, and take my hand. It had been a long time since I felt like “someone’s girl”, as stupid as that sounds. Really, one of the things I missed most about being in a relationship was the physical contact outside of sex. There is something to be said about being touched in a way that makes you feel important.

After we had a few drinks he suggested we head across the street for some milkshakes since he knew I loved them so much. We crushed our shakes and some cheese fries and while we walked out I asked if he had ever seen the skyline from Hoboken. By far, it’s one of if not the best views of NYC so we walked over to the pier.

On the walk over he had his hand around my waist and held my hand because it was so fucking cold. When we got to the edge of the pier, he pulled me into his side as we stared at the skyline. Then he turned to me, brushed my hair out of my face, and kissed me. HOT DAMN. Then per usual we were making out and I asked him to come back to my place. He agreed.

Side note: Let’s be real. We both knew we were going to fuck. So I have no idea why we wasted our time going out beforehand.

Within about 5 minutes of being in my apartment we were making out on the couch and ripping clothes off. I threw some Trap Nation on and we did our thing—fucking nonstop.

Things were better this time. I knew what to expect, he knew my body a little bit better so it wasn’t as painful or shocking as the first time. It was slightly weirder though. I’m not opposed to dirty talk but I really don’t like a lot of it. To me, it feels like I’m in a shitty porn and it doesn’t add anything more to the experience. However, Khalil was very into it (and kind of bad at it). The word “pussy” should be used sparingly. In the way people hate the word “moist”, the word “pussy” makes me cringe. That was his go to word. “Your pussy feels so good. Do you realize how amazing your pussy is? Your pussy tastes so good. Pussy pussy blah blah blah pussy” If he just replaced the words “your pussy” with “you” it would have been about 5 million times less awkward and actually more genuine. But he stuck to his guns and also said mid-sex, “Your body is amazing. I love how thick you are.” UHM. NEVER CALL A WOMAN THICK TO HER FACE LET ALONE WHILE YOU’RE HAVING SEX. I spend a lot of time trying to not be considered “thick” so yes, thank you for bringing that up.

If that wasn’t enough, later that night between rounds we were talking about turn ons and what we looked for physically. He said a thick or curvier woman while he slid his hand down my side. OKAY SIR. I GET IT I NEED TO HIT THE GYM. I know it was meant as a compliment but when you spend so much time trying to rid yourself of that look, it doesn’t feel great. Also I’m a size 6/8 jean and wear medium shirts. I don’t think that would necessarily count as “thick”.

I made a mistake with Khalil. We were talking about our sexual chemistry and I made a comment along the lines of, “This never happens. No one ever makes it to my apartment let alone a third date.” So now he thought he was special or some shit. Then he said, “Well I can’t wait for our fourth date, and the one after that, and the one after that.”

Here’s the thing. After that night, I made the decision that we were only going to be sex friends. I liked spending time with him, he was smart, interesting, and all that but he couldn’t really make me laugh. We had different senses of humor and I kind of found his to be annoying. He was so sexy when he would talk about his career and other things he had done but oh my god, I wanted to wring his neck whenever he tried to be funny. Also, when describing him to others I would say “He’s fine.” Fine is not the word to describe someone you want to seriously date.

He asked me when he could see me again and we picked Friday of that week. There was a bar in Hoboken I really liked for weekends and he wanted to check it out. Since he had already flaked on me twice before, I texted him at lunch asking if we were on and he responded, “On like Donkey Kong” and we decided to meet at 9.

A half hour before he was supposed to meet me he asked if he could push it back by an hour…to take a nap.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm, kay.

I figured it would be a wash at that point so I changed out of my cute outfit and hot underwear into bum clothes, headed to McDonald’s to get a McFlurry, and parked my ass on the couch. While I was rage eating fries (the ice cream machine was broken) this fucker called me.

“Heyyy what are you up to?”

“Nothing. I’m chilling on my couch eating fries in my comfy clothes. You?”

“That sounds dope. I still haven’t left my bed. …Do you still want to do something tonight?”

“I’m not making you come to NJ to sit on my couch with me.”

“I feel so bad but Jersey is soooo far. I’m just so tired. What are you doing tomorrow?”

“I have to work.”

“Sunday?”

“I already have plans.”

“Oh. Okay, I don’t want to get in the way of your plans. Sorry again, have a good night.”

He texted me the next day and then the week after that.

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Yeahhhh I’m never going to be free. He cancelled on me 3 times and one was for a damn nap. BYE.

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Encounter #21.2: Brooklyn Babe

App: Hinge

Name: Khalil*

Date Location: Apotheke, Pulqueria, and Le Barricou

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Atmosphere is cool. It’s one of those hand-crafted cocktail spots and has an apothecary theme. So over these millennials and their $18 cocktail bullshit.

3.5 Stars– Has a tiki theme and really clean bathrooms. Music wasn’t bad, just not the most danceable.

5.0 Stars– Pancakes. 2 inches thick. Holy shit, died and went to heaven.

Date Duration: 21 hours

What Happened:

Less than 24 hours after seeing each other we were already back out. He offered to come out to Hoboken but I was still in shock that he made it out to NJ in the first place. I didn’t want to force him to come out to my side of the river again especially since it was super gross out.

He picked a spot in Chinatown and the stage was set. I beat him to the bar so I had to deal with annoying ass millennials taking 4 hours to order drinks that take 80 years to make because the fucking glass had to be frozen. Damn kids and their fancy cocktails. (Really, the place was cool. I am just developing a hatred for this fancy cocktail trend). We had a few drinks but since there was no good place to stand we moved to the tequila bar next door. More my vibe.

We were knocking back beers and he got more flirtatious with me. He said that the whole time we were together the night before he hoped I’d ask him back to my place and he really wanted to kiss me the whole night. He also made his feelings more obvious physically. He stood behind me and had his arm around me while I drank my beer at the bar. Then we kissed. Music was picking up so we made our way to the dance floor.

Just to give you a picture, it was 10/11pm when we hit the floor which in NYC translates to still early. While everyone else in the bar was starting to pick their prospect for the night he had me out on the floor, grinded on me, and we were making out heavily.

Then he posed the question. “Do you want to come back to Brooklyn?” Damn. Okay. This was it. We were going to fuck on the second date. As much PTSD as I had from the last time I was in Brooklyn, this was about to be my redemption. I agreed.

We made out in the Lyft on the way to his apartment and I was blown away by his place. Not only did he have heat and electricity, there was art on the walls, it was reasonably clean, had a patio, and he offered me water. OH MY STARS!

We moved to his room and he threw some music on. Then this motherfucker picked me up and threw me down on the bed. We were having that kind of night. We made out, clothes came off, and he immediately went down on me. I could respect his style.

I moved to reciprocate the efforts and oh my god… Boy had a beer can for a dick. HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT GOING TO FIT? I HADN’T STRETCHED. I put in my best efforts all while wondering how the fuck this was going to work. I had fucked a guy before with, what I considered, a big dick and things were fine but only in porn had I seen a cock that intense and in a matter of minutes I was going to find out what that was like.

It hurt like a bitch. Although his efforts were valiant in the beginning, I’m not sure any amount of prep would have made me ready for that. As time went on things got better but after several minutes I kind of felt like Jim from The Office staring into the camera so I may or may not have started to fake it just to make it stop.

He didn’t stop. I ultimately asked for a break which he was cool with. As we made out afterwards he mentioned that he usually doesn’t finish. Great. My vag is about to be a tunnel. …we fucked 3 more times that night.

Khalil was one who was eager to please. After the second round of fucking, he low key made it his mission to finish me off. He was so fucking slick how he asked too. After having the conversation on not finishing he asked if I ever had and what the guy did to make it happen. I didn’t want to disclose absolutely everything about my sex life on the second date so I mentioned how this guy I used to fuck would me pull me across the bed and give me oral like it was his favorite thing to be doing. This correction was immediately applied.

It was a new experience being with someone who was so into my body. Not only was he very enthusiastic about doing things to me he said, “I could eat you out all day. Do you realize how amazing your pussy is?” No sir. No, I don’t. He also kept saying how fucking amazing my body was (#BodybyMcDonalds), he was so into me, I was so cute, and fun to be around. Honestly these are things that I just had never heard before, at least not in such a direct way. So rationally my first thought was, WTF is wrong with this guy?

We woke up within 5 minutes of each other and as soon as he realized I was conscious he went right for going down on me and we fucked. This time was much better because at this point my organs were replaced by a gaping hole to Narnia. I also may or may not have queefed in his face 5 times. He was cool with it. I was mortified. For the next 3-4 hours after we just laid in bed making out and talking.

During the night he asked me if I’d go to brunch with him in the morning. Super unexpected. Because I’m a cynical asshole I figured I would be kicked out at some point but this guy cuddled all night between fucking. It was time to make moves and Khalil brought up the brunch thing again. He was serious about it? Weird. As we walked over he held my hand and while we were waiting for a table he pulled me in and kissed me on the forehead. A boy being affectionate? Does not compute.

One thing I liked about Khalil was that he could also eat like a champ. We went through 2 orders of hash browns and an order of fries before we even touched these thick ass pancakes. I can get down with a man who feeds me and can also do some damage.

During brunch there was one conversation which I found interesting. The topic of dating apps came up and he asked how long I had been using them. I was honest. I said about 2 years but during that time I did see someone for a bit so it wasn’t a consistent 2 years. I asked him the same and he said a month. Damn, Khalil! One month in and here you are after a night of record fucking with some pancakes? Boy got some moves!

On the way back to his apartment he asked what I was doing the rest of the day. I let him know I had plans later that night but had some time before I needed to go. So we hit the shower and hung out in his room for a bit before heading out. While we were laying on the bed he asked when he could see me next and said that even though his “life is pretty dope”, he would be thinking of me until we met up again. Okaaaaay. It was time to leave and he rode the train with me until my stop, we kissed, and he texted me the next day which was a new thing for me.

Upon returning home, I began the classic Laura “I’m interested but I’m not” dance. Typically around date 2, AKA every second date I make it to, I have this inner crisis. Obviously if the person makes it this far I must like him and in theory he likes me. But in the back of my head I always think that if I have any doubts this would be the time to cut it off. So I begin to convince myself that I don’t like him and turn to friends to agree that indeed, he sucks. They never agree, think I’m a psycho, and reassure me that he’s worth it. Now that I have all this confidence that he is indeed a decent guy, I give myself the opportunity to develop feelings.

After our date, the cycle began. I had convinced myself that he was actually the greatest player of all time and there was no way he was actually that into me. Yeah, he came to NJ, brought me chocolate, said I was dope, didn’t know why he was so comfortable around me, and said that he could lay in bed with me all day BUT ANYONE COULD DO THAT, RIGHT? He had only been on apps for a month and this was NYC. He was just going to keep me around until someone better with a stretchier vagina came around.

I had a show and a competition the next week so we didn’t see each other but he texted me on the day of my competition to wish me luck. WHY WAS HE SO NICE? 

At the end of the weekend I texted him and asked to hang out again. He said yes and suggested coming to NJ so I started stretching. …he cancelled the morning of. A few days later he asked me what I was doing that night. I had a busy day but I let him know when I’d be done. He flaked again.

Finally, the stars aligned. We both had snow days and my roommate was out. So I started stretching for date #3.

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