Encounter #47.1: Shore Store

App: N/A

Name: Shore Store*

Date Location: Low Fidelity – Jersey City

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – The bar itself is fine. Very millennial with brick walls, string lights, and craft cocktails. Really just like it because it’s close to my apartment.

Date Duration: 10 hours

What Happened:

I met Shore Store months prior at the Jersey Shore. My friend and I wanted to go to Seaside Heights and since my then boyfriend’s family lived near there, he agreed to drop us off while he helped his family with some stuff.

Kaitlin* and I went to Aztec to live out our fist pumping dreams and that’s when we met Shore Store. He bartended there on the weekends and since it was weirdly quiet on the beach that day, the three of us talked quite a bit. He was cute and it turned out he lived only one city over from Kaitlin and I. Since I was not on the market, I pushed Kaitlin to get his number. He was young but he owned a Tesla, was an engineer, and had his shit together. Solid play thing.

Months passed, I was newly single, and Kaitlin was drunk. During her wine stupor, she texted him and let him know that I was available, he should shoot his shot, and passed along my number.

Next thing I knew, I had a text from Shore Store. We texted back and forth but it never really amounted to anything. A few weeks later, he called to let me know he was going to be in Jersey City that night and asked if I wanted to meet up. Fuck it. I agreed on the condition we go to the bar closest to my place, I wouldn’t be wearing make up, and my hair wouldn’t be done. Shore Store agreed.

He picked me up in his Tesla which was pretty cool. The navigation screen was the size of an iPad so that was interesting but the car itself was nice. When we originally met at the shore, he was behind the bar and I was sitting. I didn’t realize until he got out of the car just how short and petite he was. I could bench him. Good face though.

We found a spot and got to drinking. He was a funny guy and for whatever reason, enjoyed my jokes. He was definitely young though. We talked about the day we met and he asked about where my ex went to high school. Turns out they went to the same one…only 5 years apart. Shore Store told Kaitlin and I that he was 24 over the summer. Lil baby was 22.

The more he spoke the more I noticed our age difference. The way he described his sexual exploits just made him seem younger and younger. Then he said that he goes for older women…like myself. I’m 26. Not 46. Chill bro.

Aside from him being a child, we still got along. He drove me back to my apartment and somehow it came out that I write this trash. He really wanted to make the blog so we kissed in the car…he made out like a 22 year old. Too soft, small tongue, and non-threatening. I like some risk in my hook ups.

He talked his way into coming up to my apartment so we threw some comedy special on Netflix while sitting on my bed. I don’t know how it happened, but we made out again and next thing I knew he was on top of me messing with my tits. The whole thing was weird and to top it off, he had a broken rib so even if I wanted to fuck I would have snapped that child in half.

After the most awkward hook up in history, I changed into comfy clothes and asked him if he planned on staying over because I had to go to bed. I was banking on him leaving. After all, we weren’t going to fuck and I basically just put the pressure on. HE FUCKING STAYED. Ugh.

Since I didn’t want to be touched and he wanted to spoon despite his broken ass rib, we had the worst cuddle session in history. The next morning, I had him scoot out before my roommate got up and he texted me some pic of him stuck at a railroad crossing.

I didn’t think I’d hear from him again and for months I didn’t. There was a shooting in my neighborhood and he reached out to see if I was okay. A few more days passed and he asked me if I wanted to go to a comedy club but I was already out. Then he reached out around Christmas…twice. And then he responded to my IG story (that was really posted to show my fuck buddy that I was back in town) and tried to slide in on Kaitlin and I’s plans one night. BRUH. Back to the friend zone you go.

tumblr_lqmczjD06s1qipitl540.gif

Encounter #21.3: Brooklyn Babe

App: Hinge

Name: Khalil*

Date Location: Mills Tavern (Hoboken) and Johnny Rockets

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Honestly I have no idea why I go to Mills. There’s nothing particularly special about it except that it’s easy to find

3.5 Stars– Mediocre food. Has a classic diner atmosphere and bomb ass shakes though

Date Duration: 16 hours

What Happened:

After flaking on me twice in three days, Khalil took it upon himself to make it up to me by suggesting a NJ date. He had me pick the spot and was really overcompensating for flaking as much as he did.

6

I met him at the bar and he apologized again for bailing on me. We covered the normal small talk, he kept complimenting me on how good I looked, and did all the right things to physically say he liked me. I loved how he would keep his arm on the back of my chair, rest his hand on my knee, and take my hand. It had been a long time since I felt like “someone’s girl”, as stupid as that sounds. Really, one of the things I missed most about being in a relationship was the physical contact outside of sex. There is something to be said about being touched in a way that makes you feel important.

After we had a few drinks he suggested we head across the street for some milkshakes since he knew I loved them so much. We crushed our shakes and some cheese fries and while we walked out I asked if he had ever seen the skyline from Hoboken. By far, it’s one of, if not the best, view of NYC so we walked over to the pier.

On the walk over he had his hand around my waist and held my hand because it was so fucking cold. When we got to the edge of the pier, he pulled me into his side as we stared at the skyline. Then he turned to me, brushed my hair out of my face, and kissed me. HOT DAMN. Then per usual we were making out and I asked him to come back to my place. He agreed.

Side note: Let’s be real. We both knew we were going to fuck. So I have no idea why we wasted our time going out beforehand.

Within about 5 minutes of being in my apartment we were making out on the couch and ripping clothes off. I threw some Trap Nation on and we did our thing—fucking nonstop.

Things were better this time. I knew what to expect, he knew my body a little bit better so it wasn’t as painful or shocking as the first time. It was slightly weirder though. I’m not opposed to dirty talk but I really don’t like a lot of it. To me, it feels like I’m in a shitty porn and it doesn’t add anything more to the experience. However, Khalil was very into it (and kind of bad at it). The word “pussy” should be used sparingly. In the way people hate the word “moist”, the word “pussy” makes me cringe. That was his go to word. “Your pussy feels so good. Do you realize how amazing your pussy is? Your pussy tastes so good. Pussy pussy blah blah blah pussy” If he just replaced the words “your pussy” with “you” it would have been about 5 million times less awkward and actually more genuine. But he stuck to his guns and also said mid-sex, “Your body is amazing. I love how thick you are.” UHM. NEVER CALL A WOMAN THICK TO HER FACE LET ALONE WHILE YOU’RE HAVING SEX. I spend a lot of time trying to not be considered “thick” so yes, thank you for bringing that up.

If that wasn’t enough, later that night between rounds we were talking about turn ons and what we looked for physically. He said a thick or curvier woman while he slid his hand down my side. OKAY SIR. I GET IT I NEED TO HIT THE GYM. I know it was meant as a compliment but when you spend so much time trying to rid yourself of that look, it doesn’t feel great. Also I’m a size 6/8 jean and wear medium shirts. I don’t think that would necessarily count as “thick”.

I made a mistake with Khalil. We were talking about our sexual chemistry and I made a comment along the lines of, “This never happens. No one ever makes it to my apartment let alone a third date.” So now he thought he was special or some shit. Then he said, “Well I can’t wait for our fourth date, and the one after that, and the one after that.”

Here’s the thing. After that night, I made the decision that we were only going to be sex friends. I liked spending time with him, he was smart, interesting, and all that but he couldn’t really make me laugh. We had different senses of humor and I kind of found his to be annoying. He was so sexy when he would talk about his career and other things he had done but oh my god, I wanted to wring his neck whenever he tried to be funny. Also, when describing him to others I would say “He’s fine.” Fine is not the word to describe someone you want to seriously date.

He asked me when he could see me again and we picked Friday of that week. There was a bar in Hoboken I really liked for weekends and he wanted to check it out. Since he had already flaked on me twice before, I texted him at lunch asking if we were on and he responded, “On like Donkey Kong” and we decided to meet at 9.

A half hour before he was supposed to meet me he asked if he could push it back by an hour…to take a nap.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm, kay.

I figured it would be a wash at that point so I changed out of my cute outfit and hot underwear into bum clothes, headed to McDonald’s to get a McFlurry, and parked my ass on the couch. While I was rage eating fries (the ice cream machine was broken) this fucker called me.

“Heyyy what are you up to?”

“Nothing. I’m chilling on my couch eating fries in my comfy clothes. You?”

“That sounds dope. I still haven’t left my bed. …Do you still want to do something tonight?”

“I’m not making you come to NJ to sit on my couch with me.”

“I feel so bad but Jersey is soooo far. I’m just so tired. What are you doing tomorrow?”

“I have to work.”

“Sunday?”

“I already have plans.”

“Oh. Okay, I don’t want to get in the way of your plans. Sorry again, have a good night.”

He texted me the next day and then the week after that.

7.jpg

Yeahhhh I’m never going to be free. He cancelled on me 3 times and one was for a damn nap. BYE.

giphy.gif

Situation #5.1: The Point Guard

Name: Josh

Location: Stumble Inn

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – A lot of good looking men at the Stumble Inn and the drinks aren’t insanely priced. It will just take you a half hour to get a beer.

What Happened:

After finally making a friend on BumbleBFF it was time we got fucking trashed together. Rebecca and I headed up to the Stumble Inn for a night of poor choices. Apparently people give a fuck about the World Series and especially care when the Yankees are playing. (Weird). So the bar was packed and there were quite a few prospects.

Rebecca and I got our drank on and this one guy who I kept waiting in line with would buy us shots each time he went to the bar. By about midnight we were fucked up. Rebecca saw a cute guy but somehow ended up talking to his friend and I took the opportunity to chat with this hottie.

He lived only 10 or so blocks up from the bar, was 30, and used to play basketball. He kept telling me that I was really beautiful and bought us some drinks. In his drunken wisdom, he tried making plans with me for the next day and was so serious about it he almost bought Giants tickets. I talked him out of it and we agreed that we would meet up in Hoboken to watch the game.

He must not have thought I was serious so he asked for my number and texted me immediately to be sure I had his digits. We hit the dance floor and started making out like crazy. (Let it be known that he asked why I was single during this time. I don’t understand why people ask this question because THE FUCK DO I KNOW. YOU TELL ME WHY I’M SINGLE SIR. If you have a decent answer for this please tell me because it’s awkward)

We kept making out and then realized his friend and my friend left which lead to Situation #4.2. But as all drunk plans go, they didn’t happen. I texted him Monday asking how his hangover went and to let me know if he ever wanted to grab a beer. He asked me for my Instagram handle and then I never heard from him again.

giphy (1).gif

 

Situation #3.2: The Wedding Date

Name: David*

Location: Johansson’s – Westminster, MD

What Happened:

I hadn’t heard from David since the wedding until, by weird coincidence, I was going to Maryland that coming weekend. He hit me up on Facebook and congratulated me on a competition I was in a month prior. We chatted for a little while and I let him know I was coming down to Maryland in a few days. He invited me to go to a beer fest with him and a few of his frat brothers. I was planning on going to DC with my friend so I just let him know that we’d play it by ear.

My friend and I finished in DC earlier than we expected and she agreed to drive up to where David was at because she’s the best and supports my skanky self. We met David and his friend at a bar and it was very clear that David was trashed. Like the kind of trashed where you can’t really keep your eyes open.

We had a drink in the upstairs part of the bar and tbh I was mostly talking to his friend since David was not quite with the program. We headed to the downstairs bar for the next round and David sits next to me. He clarifies for himself that I’m:

  1. From NH
  2. Went to school in Maryland
  3. Live in NJ
  4. But work in NYC

Big things happening, guys. He held my hand, started asking how often I make it down to Maryland, and how far Maryland is from where I live. What made this kinda awkward was that the four of us were sitting on one side of the bar with a bunch of his frat brothers on the other side so it felt like we were in a fish tank. David kept trying to kiss me (I mean I kissed him back but this kid had some trouble with aiming) and stroked my back. My friend and I had plans back in Baltimore so it was time to go. David did his best attempt at a kiss and I headed out.

About 10 minutes into the drive back to Baltimore, I got a call from David:

Hey, I wish you didn’t have to go. I’d go to Fells with you tonight but I am in no place to drive…Thank you so much for coming out though…I’m joking but not really, you need to invite me up to New Jersey in the next two weeks…I wish you didn’t live in NJ. If we were in the same state I’d be all over you but that’s how it usually is. The guy is into the girl but she’s not into it…I wish you didn’t have to go. You should come back…I should go back to my friends now. Talk to you later

WELL HOT DAMN A BOY LIKES ME. We texted the rest of the weekend and he called me that Monday night which I wasn’t expecting. He also found me on Instagram and liked nearly all my posts. Apparently he creeped the shit out of my profile. When we were talking on the phone he mentioned that in one of my photos I was at a Red Sox game but tagged it “#GoSox #OrioleMagic” and it’s not possible for someone to be both a Sox AND Orioles fan.

Almost weekly we had at least one phone conversation but if I’m guessing correctly, one of us was buzzed if not drunk on each call. Except one…

9f850928dc9d7d01f0b3971e3d010aaa67ed52bddba5ef48868959f4e3c55488.gif

Situation #3.1: The Wedding Date

Name: David*

Location: Friend’s wedding in Maryland

What Happened:

When being invited to a wedding there are 2 strategies:

  1. Find a boy to go with you
  2. Take one of your girls so you can get some action

Went for Option 2 and brought my girl Katey. Before even heading to the wedding, Katey asked what my intentions for the wedding were. I said to make out with hot boys and dance my ass off. That mission was accomplished.

We get to the ceremony and I remember looking across the way and seeing a group of cute guys. Target acquired: just needed an opportunity to strike. During cocktail hour the stage was set. It started getting windy and I was helping someone clear a few tables in the corner. I started combining glasses of champagne and then I hear, “Oh, those aren’t going to waste are they?” I look up and there are the cute boys from earlier. I hand the glasses over, say to double fist, and we clinked glasses.

When the dance floor opened you know Katey and I headed on over. We were breaking that shit downnn. And then the boys came over. Out of the group, there were 2/3 really hot ones. Like 9s. Weddings are cool. They bring out the feels in everyone…as does copious amounts of beer.

One guy in particular, David, made his move. We danced and kept getting closer. It got to the point that the bride came up to me and said, “Those are some of my husband’s closest friends. They’re all great guys. Have fun tonight!” Oh, we did. Within a few songs we were making out, he was grabbing my ass, and kissing my neck.

We walked around holding hands and kept making out. However, something happened. I eat very clean normally. I didn’t that weekend. So while we were outside I let out the most ripe fart of my life. David turned to me and starts saying how it smells really bad outside and we should go in because it smells so bad. …I said nothing.

Despite my party foul we kept dancing, making out, and then the reception was wrapping up. Katey and I were going to head out for donuts and go home but David and his friend asked for a ride to the casino for the after party. It was on the way so we drove their drunk asses back. David found me on Facebook in the car and pointed out the fact that I look hot in my profile pic but it looks nothing like me in person. COOL.

Aside from that, I thought he was really cute and it’s not often I find a man who can keep up on the dance floor. So I messaged him, we talked for a day or so, and that was it. Well, until September.

tenor.gif