Encounter #15.2: Trivia Master

App: Tinder

Name: Taylor*

Date Location: House of Que

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Really cool bartenders, decent trivia, and the food looked bomb AF

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

After a victorious trivia night which ended in a kiss, I wanted to see Taylor again. I drunkenly texted him a few days after our date to lock down another one. He really sucked at making plans and instead flipped the topic to the Super Bowl but wasn’t really being that chatty with me.

On Tuesday afternoon, he finally asked me out for that night so we could defend our championship title from the week before. Awesome. Cool. Let’s do it.

Well we got our asses handed to us. (Fuck you, It’s Just a Cold Sore!) But it was an okay time. I was hoping that since it was the second date he’d make up for not asking me any damn questions during the first one. He didn’t. The whole night I was either asking him shit, going “Mhmmm”, “Yeah”, or “That’s crazy”. The hallmark of every great relationship.

I tried to get him to touch me because I’m crazy. I’d put my hand on his leg, touch his arm, just subtle shit to say HEY I LIKE YOU SO YOU SHOULD RECIPROCATE. I got a shoulder touch.

We once again shut the bar down and were waiting for our Lyfts. Still no touching. Then his car shows up and he broke out a solid ass kiss. Like hand behind my neck, fingers in my hair, pulling me in, and edging the make out line. So. Hot. Where was this guy earlier that night?

This created an interesting situation. On the one hand he didn’t deliver in the personality-chemistry department but on the other hand there was potential physically. I left it at, “If he texts me to go out again, I probably will give him one last shot but I’m not going out of my way”. Didn’t hear from him for 4 days. Then I got these.

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We all deserve better than a “Wyd”. Come on now.

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Encounter #18.1: Deflate Date

App: Hinge

Name: Jon*

Date Location: Zack’s Oak Bar & Restaurant

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Great brunch menu, reasonably priced, and had healthy/clean options. Sweet potato quinoa bowl was on point.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

The week I met Jon I had 3 dates scheduled. Out of all of them, he was the one I was most excited about. He grew up in the same town my uncle lived in, was a Pats fan, tall, dark hair, went to Cornell, traveled a lot, and got a zombie virus from the permafrost in Alaska. HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT? Clearly he was smarter than me and I found it so fucking sexy. What also played in his favor was that he was going to be in NJ earlier that day which meant I got to be on home turf. Fuck. Yes. Leave 15 minutes before I’m supposed to be there? SOLD.

I picked out a brunch spot and the stage was set. This was the day I was going to meet my future husband. He walked up to the restaurant looking cute as fuck, his voice was nice, we got a table, and OH MY GOD HE WAS SO BORING.

I asked about how he contracted a zombie virus and all he had to say was, “Yeah, it was crazy. There was something in the ice. I just had to get antibiotics. It was fine”. He travelled a lot and rode motorcycles in Vietnam. “It was cool.” I felt crazy for asking him all these questions but he wasn’t elaborating or even volleying questions my way. WTF, you went to Cornell. Why is this so difficult?

What really dug his hole was his career/life ambitions. Despite having accomplished great things, it didn’t seem like he had much coming down the pike. He took a random teaching job for the hell of it, regretted his college major of archaeology, and lived in Brooklyn. Okay, the Brooklyn thing wasn’t bad. What was bad is that he had lived there for 3 months, hadn’t purchased a bed, and was sleeping on a deflated air mattress. Very sexy.

We were going to the same train station and walked back together. We were also on the same platform but didn’t know. We said the goodbyes, hugged, and he asked where to go. I told him track 2. I was on track 3. So we stood on the platform, awkwardly apart, in silence.

He sent me the Jack Chop video the next day of a Massachusetts guy with a hard-ass Boston accent. I sent him Shit Boston Mothers Say. The day after he texted me saying he watched the Super Bowl with Eagles fans. I gave my condolences. Day after that he sent a video of Philly fans rioting. I left him on read and never heard from him since.

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Encounter #15.1: Trivia Master

App: Tinder

Name: Taylor*

Date Location: House of Que

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Really cool bartender, decent trivia, and the food looked bomb AF

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Taylor was not what I would go for. His hair was light, he was 5’7″, military, and his last pic was him shirtless with his hand very close to some girl’s ass. That being said, his first pic involved a WWE style belt so I had some questions.

Also had the best opener/height related conversation in the history of Tinder

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He asked me out while I was out of the country so when I got back I volleyed the offer. He accepted and we went out. THAT NIGHT. (I did have time to change my pants before heading out. If you wear tight pants on a date, it means you care).

He picked a place in Hoboken with trivia. Truth be told, I suck at trivia. Unless it has to do with pageantry, Boston, or really vague 90’s references I’m pretty much useless. We won that night.

Between questions and drinks, I really started digging this guy. Was he short? Yeah. But meanwhile he had a fantasy football podcast, was ex-military, worked in aviation, loved The Simpsons, and was working on his MBA. HOT DAMN.

The whole time I didn’t know where I stood. I was having a halfway decent time but I was also the one who was guiding the conversation so I had no idea if he was just being nice or was genuinely enjoying himself.

Once the bar started closing down we put in the calls for our respective Lyfts and stood in the foyer to wait. Taylor turned to me and said, “I had a really good time tonight. We should definitely do this again. I need to send you my number”. OKAY IF YOU INSIST.

We hugged and then he said, “You know, you’re really not that much taller than me”. And then he went in for the kiss and it was good. To the point I wanted to make out with him but deemed it inappropriate since it was only the first date.

We texted here and there, I may have been trashed for some of it, but we set a second date.

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Encounter #13.1: One Man, One Dream

App: Hinge

Name: Ben*

Date Location: Scotland Yard in Hoboken

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – The most divey of dive bars. Cheap ass beer, darts, friendly bartenders, and bathrooms that won’t lock.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Ben and I had been chatting for a few days until I woke up on New Years Day to see he was no longer in my matches. Little surprised because I didn’t remember saying anything weird but I could not speak for drunk Laura on NYE. A few days later I saw a notification in Facebook’s Message Request box.

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As we know, this can freak me out. But he did have my last name and we had a mutual friend (who wasn’t weird) so it didn’t seem too too odd. Whatever, may as well see what he had to say.

He worked ridiculous hours so it was tough trying to lock it down. Finally after lots of rescheduling, we set a date. We texted for a bit and the more we talked, the more I hated him. He would double message, blow up my phone, and used waaaay too many emojis. I’m talking 29 in a matter of 14 hours. But when he walked up to me, he was actually decent looking and his voice wasn’t weird. Maybe I should cut him some slack.

He worked for the NBA, grew up in Jersey, lived 10 minutes from me, was Jewish, and came from an Italian family. Not too shabby.

The first question he asked was if I had voted for Trump. I can respect that, I sit very far on the left so this didn’t bother me in the least. However, I soon found out that I was smarter than he was. I began going into detail about the DNC, campaign issues on Hillary Clinton’s side, what led to Trump’s success, and basically gave my CNN commentary. He had no idea what I was talking about, switched the subject to marijuana, and told me about his smoking habits.

I did ask him about the unmatching. He was drunk on NYE and went to check if I responded to his message. When he went to close the app, he accidentally hit ‘Remove Match’. By some crazy chance, he remembered my last name and looked me up. He said, “If there’s one thing you can say about me, it’s that I’m persistent”. Yeah, that’s one word.

The more he spoke the more he lived up to my “sports management” stereotype being that he wasn’t that smart, couldn’t come up with an abstract thought, was loud, had to be the center of attention, and thought he was funny.

He talked about his older brother who he said was the exact opposite of him. I wanted to ask if his brother was seeing anyone but I figured that wasn’t appropriate.

Despite the fact that he was out to lunch mentally, he hung on every word I said. I wasn’t saying anything too amazing, just talked about things I wanted to do later in life and where I came from. He was SO STUPID but I won’t lie, I liked that he worshiped the ground I walked on. So when he texted me and asked if he made the cut to the second date, I said he did. FUCK.

As luck would have it, we never texted again and for that I am eternally grateful.

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