Hoboken – #DatingLaura

Encounter #60.1: Coffee

Published on May 14, 2020May 3, 2020 by datinglauraLeave a comment

App: Hinge

Name: Liam*

Date Location: The Roost Outpost – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Given that I was only in there for 2 minutes because #Corona I can’t give it a fair review. It looked cute and the coffee was fine.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Liam and I met up right before shit got real in NJ thanks to Coronavirus. At this point in time, parks were open and you could still see other people as long as you were 6 feet apart.

Over Hinge, Liam seemed cool. He was quick and decently funny. In person, not as much. We got our coffees and pretty quickly it was clear we weren’t going to be a match. There were uncomfortably long silences between sentences.

Liam has some slight interesting points to him. He originally went to school to be a doctor but ultimately changed paths and did computer science. He lived right on Washington Street in Hoboken so he was in the thick of the scene and considering how much he paid in rent, the place had to have been nice. Truthfully those were the most interesting things we covered.

We walked along the river in Hoboken and over to one of the dog parks. Truthfully I think we were out as long as we were because we were both bored and had started our self-quarantines.

He walked me to the train and we never spoke again.

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Encounter #59.1: The Wrestler

Published on April 29, 2020April 8, 2020 by datinglauraLeave a comment

App: Hinge

Name: Rhett*

Date Location: The Cuban – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Really nice spot where you can hear each other and it just feels warm and romantic

Date Duration: 3-4 hours

What Happened:

Almost immediately after matching on Hinge, Rhett asked for my number and we got to it. Even though we didn’t message much, he seemed weird and my flavor of funny. Plus he lived in Hoboken a few buildings down from one of my friends so there was a huge convenience factor.

He walked in and was definitely attractive. Like I would consider slightly out of my league but THERE WE WERE. We started drinking and conversation was wicked easy. He also hated making small talk over text so we had tons of stuff to cover.

He worked in some kind of tech sales and clearly came from money. He went to one of the most expensive private high schools in our area, grew up in a BOUGIE town in NJ, and while we were on our date his family was sitting in box seats at Madison Square Garden. Casual. He told me that when he was in high school he just had to get a job to get a car. Meaning he did not have to succeed in this job and save money. Literally all someone needed to do was say “You’re hired!” and his dad would buy him a decent car. WHAT.

Money aside, he was fucking cool. We kept roasting each other and for the first time in awhile, I was enjoying myself. I noticed his ear was all fucked up and asked if he wrestled growing up. He said jokingly responded, “Oh yeah, just point out my deformities. It’s cool. But yeah, good catch.”

At one point he asked how I liked the bar. I told him it was nice and it had been awhile since the last time I was there. He then told me he wanted to pick somewhere where we could actually talk, hear each other, and get to know the other. A boy planned a date?! WTF.

He did have some red flags though. He had told me about a few of his past relationships and a few things stuck out. He had cheated before which I could get over but more importantly, he had broken up with a girl because she wanted to get married one day which was a bit real for me. It was the first date so I figured I’d get to know him a bit better before judging anything.

We eventually moved from the bar to a table because he didn’t want to keep craning his neck to look at me. Before we could move, we had to close out the bar tab. I went to get my card to pay and he immediately shooed it.

Conversation continued at the table (and I even got some snacks). At one point he coyly looked down then back up at me and said, “So I had fun. I mean if you’d want to do this again I’d be down”. I agreed.

The bartender seemed pretty keen on getting out so we closed out (he paid again) and he walked me to my Uber a few blocks down. When we got to the car we kissed. It was really good. He knew what he was doing, I could feel how muscular his back was through his shirt, and he smelled amazing.

He had told me straight up that he was a shitty texter so I didn’t really expect much from him after the date. The Sunday after our date I asked if he was free and would want to meet up again. He agreed and we decided on the Tuesday of that week with the intention of solidifying plans the day of.

Tuesday rolled around so I followed up.

Never heard from again.

Encounter #55.1: Flip Cup

Published on April 14, 2020April 8, 2020 by datinglauraLeave a comment

App: Hinge

Name: Corbin*

Date Location: City Bistro – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Good ass apps, decent beer selection, feels classy.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

When I saw Corbin’s profile pop up on Hinge I had a feeling we had matched and chatted before but I wasn’t entirely sure. Within a handful of messages it became clear that we had this entire conversation three months prior.

I have a habit of blocking numbers when I’m done with a person. I don’t like people coming in and haunting my life especially when I never went out with them in the first place. (RIP Grant). Apparently I had done this to Corbin because his first text never came through. I fixed it but, this was going to make for an interesting situation.

Texting with him was pretty easy. Based on the old texts I had, easier than it was the first time. He asked me out pretty quickly and we made plans.

He was decently attractive. Not super hot but, not bad. Conversation was pretty easy too. He had grown up in Brooklyn, was in a frat in college, and now worked as a graphic designer. Despite his reassurances that he wasn’t a typical frat guy, he partied a lot. Not only was he out drinking 4-5 times a week but he was in a flip cup league that he took a hair too seriously.

Corbin shared a lot with me that night. To start, he told me that he was a serial relationship kind of guy. He also threw in that he had always gone for the “nice girl” and was looking for more of a “party girl” to keep up with him. Mmmmm, no. Don’t get me wrong, I love being drunk but I’m also 85. Maybe once every 3 months I’ll get wrecked.

He seemed very invested in me a bit too quickly. He was getting touchy with me which I didn’t entirely mind. Up until that point the only physical touch I was getting was from my fuck buddy and that was only when we were hitting the sheets. It was nice to have someone hold my hand in public or rest his hand on my leg.

We ended up kissing at the bar and it was decent. Little weird that he did it right before I got up to pee but he had decent technique. Eventually I went to check what time it was and I saw that my fuck buddy had texted me. FUCK IT. As I told Corbin I had to go I was calling my Uber to set up my dick appointment. We made out a little as we waited for my car and I went on my way to get railed.

Corbin and I texted the rest of the week and the more we texted, the more I knew I had to end it. He was starting to get more invested and I was just focused on getting the D. He asked me about my grad program and when I’d be done my session. Then he made some comment about how I’d have more time for activities when the session ended. Then, he asked me out again because he “really wanted to hang out” before his trip that coming weekend. When planning for the second date he invited me to his place for a movie and wine which felt a bit soon. But the clincher was when he drunk texted me and said, “It’s hard not to think about you”.

Now, I understand this is sweet. If I had any sort of feelings towards him I would have gone with it. I didn’t. I had been planning on going out with him one more time to give him a fair shot but, I was anticipating breaking it off. Also, while we were out he talked a lot about how he hated ghosting and would rather just know if someone isn’t interested.

So I sent “the text” and it didn’t quite go well.

Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes ghosting may be better.

Encounter #48.1 – Jon Bon Jesuit

Published on February 19, 2020February 5, 2020 by datinglauraLeave a comment

App: Hinge

Name: Nathan*

Date Location: Green Rock – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Happy hour drinks were cheap, food smelled good, bathroom was clean.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

I had been talking to Nathan on and off for a bit and I wanted to fuck his brains out. Physically, he was exactly what I look for. Tall, dark features, broad ass shoulders, 30-ish. The whole thing.

I wanted to meet as soon as possible so I asked him out. He lived in Hoboken which was another selling point for him. I’m a sucker for sheer convenience. He suggested the bar and we got to work.

I showed up and he already had a beer waiting for me. Holy shit. This is why you date 30-year olds. So classy! Conversation was super easy. He was Italian and from New Jersey so we covered a lot of ground on family. We bonded pretty quickly since he went to the Jesuit university down the road from where I went to college so we talked a lot about Baltimore and the bars we used to go to. He was New Jersey through and through and made some comment about never wanting to leave…interesting.

He seemed to be my brand of weird. We joked the same way (although my comments are filled with a fuck ton more curse words) and would make so many side comments. Truthfully, I was enjoying the shit out of my time.

It appeared he was too. He kept getting more drinks and we had about 3 beers each. But then something happened. I don’t know if I said something or we just weren’t a match but, he said he was going “to go home and watch a movie or something” so he called it short. Weird. Maybe he really was tired?

However when we walked out he hugged me, said it was great meeting me, and then walked the other direction. No kiss. No walking me to the train. Nothing.

What made it weirder was that he texted me the next night saying he had fun and thanked me for a movie recommendation. I said I had fun too. No response.

Encounter #42.1: Albania

Published on December 2, 2019January 3, 2020 by datinglauraLeave a comment

App: Bumble

Name: Brayden*

Date Location: City Bistro – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Good ass apps, decent beer selection, feels classy.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

What sold Brayden was that he asked me out by suggesting food. Typically, white guys don’t feed me. I don’t know if it’s a thing, but they usually just want to drink. This guy was talking sweet cold cut love to me and I was very interested.

I waited for him to meet me at the train station. I was on the fence if I thought he was cute going in but he seemed to have a personality. He walked up looking better than I thought. Shorter than expected, but we broke even on height so it wasn’t a big deal.

The plan was to race scooters to the bar. Unfortunately as we were signing them out it started pouring and he offered to drive. This was the second time in a week I was getting into a strange man’s car.

He was really cool despite working in sales. We joked the entire time on the ride up and we weirdly had the same taste in music.

When we got to the bar, this guy ordered us a flatbread and TWO orders of wings. Be still my heart. As I cracked into the wings I made some comment like, “Ohhh probably shouldn’t have picked this for a first date food.” He countered with, “Actually, it’s really attractive that you eat.” DON’T MIND IF I DO.

Brayden was insanely interesting. He was Albanian but was raised in north Jersey. His family had to escape Albania and sewed all the money they had into his dad’s pant leg. When his parents got to Italy, they were asked the purpose of their visit. They had been instructed to say tourism but the officer called their bluff. He basically said, “If you’re here for tourism, where’s your money?” Brayden’s mom was basically playing pocket pool trying to pull money out of his dad’s pants but they got scared and went back. His dad hid the mom and the kids in a monastery while he tried to figure everything out and somehow, they made it to Newark, NJ. Fucking insane. Probably one of the most interesting stories I have ever heard.

We got along really well. We watched nearly all the same shows and had the same joke delivery which was really fun. We kept riffing off each other and making the other laugh. We also had weird things in common like both being in church choir growing up just because we liked the people and wanted to sing.

After crushing a shit ton of food, he suggested going to Ben & Jerry’s for dessert. Hot damn. Feed your way into my heart. We were looking at the counter and he kept going in on stoner jokes which was odd since I didn’t lay down that material. After we got our ice cream we were talking and it came out. He still lived in his parents’ basement and smoked a shit ton. Mmm, going to be a no from me dawg. I don’t really care if you smoke but I do care if you live with your mama and that’s all you do in your spare time.

He needed to get something from his office so we stopped there on the way to dropping me off. Inside, there was a guitar. Earlier that night I mentioned how I loved John Denver. He pulled up the chords for “Country Roads” on his phone and we sang together. He had a voice on him and I was shocked. I didn’t think he picked up those weird things I said.

Unfortunately though at some point during the night, I realized that I was in no way sexually attracted to him. Yes, he was cute. Personality was definitely there but I didn’t want to touch him. I just couldn’t picture it and I didn’t want to lead him on.

He said that he would drive me towards Jersey City so if I wanted to grab another drink we could or, he could drop me off. The way he was driving put us a block from my place so I made up some shit about having to help someone in my cohort with an assignment.

He definitely wanted to kiss me. When we pulled up he put his arms up to hug, I did the swerve for the shoulder, and he kissed me on the cheek. He said he’d wait to be sure I made it inside okay. I said something like, “You just want an excuse to stare at my ass.” He came back with, “Haha, well shit I should just kiss you right now for that one.” I was halfway out the car. I countered with, “That’s showbiz, baby!” and shut the door. Crisis averted.

Encounter #31.2: Above Average

Published on August 1, 2018August 8, 2018 by datinglauraLeave a comment

App: Hinge

Name: Jared*

Date Location: Onieal’s – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Good ass apps, decent wine selection, next to a dog park.

Date Duration: 12 hours

What Happened:

After our first date, I was super excited to see Jared again. Not only did he text me the night of saying how much fun he had but, he threw in that he couldn’t stop thinking about that night, had so much fun, and was looking forward to the next time we’d meet up.

Since I had a long drive back to NJ that day, we decided to stay by my area. Normally, I would have met him in Hoboken but 1. I didn’t know where to have him park down there and 2. I felt comfortable enough having him park at my apartment and then Uber over with me.

When we met outside my building, he gave me such a long and tight hug and I could feel his smile press into the top of my head. We Ubered over to the bar and once again, did not shut the fuck up.

Over text it came out that Jared’s mom was a medium. This blew my goddamn mind. I love mediums. A lot. There is a video in the depths on the internet of me sobbing uncontrollably while my grandmother came through via medium. It’s a big fucking deal and this kid’s mom happened to be one. (He did make a point to say that she doesn’t read her children or people close to her children. Booooo.) I also found out that he was half Jewish. My life aspiration at age 12? Be a Jew.

There was one moment though that was fucking hysterical. He asked me about ventriloquism and my puppet. I moved to grab my phone to pull up a picture of it and he said, “Oh don’t worry about it, I saw it on your profile.” I made a face. “No the photo. It’s on your Hinge profile.” It wasn’t. He creeped my ass HARD. Like scroll on Instagram until there aren’t any more photos hard. He was mortified. He also let it slip that he told his mom about me and may have sent her a photo. That was weird.

Despite his creepy ass, he still managed to surprise me with how genuine he was. He told me his best friend knew we were out and she asked him how it was going. He showed me the text and it read, “She’s awesome.”

We wrapped up at the bar, walked over to the dog park to pet some pooches, and headed out to one of the piers in Hoboken to see the NYC skyline. I loved how Jared touched me. It felt so fucking genuine. While we were looking out, he stood behind me with his arms tightly around my body. For whatever reason it just felt comfortable.

We kissed and eventually decided to move to the grass since making out where everyone takes pictures isn’t necessarily the best idea. Then we just had one of those conversations that lasts for hours. We covered our past relationships, the fact that we were blown away by the other person, and anything else under the sun.

At one point, I had my legs across his and the top of my dress wasn’t doing a great job of staying up. Jared said, “It’s not that your chest is out. I love how comfortable you are here and that it looks like you just don’t care.” …then we aggressively made out in the grass.

He also showed me some of the texts he had sent his friend about me. Jared had it BAD for me and it was clear his friend was also into this idea of me. He read some aloud to me but I looked down at his phone. He said things like, “I can’t stop thinking about her…I’ll be thinking about her all day”. Then he gave info for the friend to creep me and she said things like, “She’s so cute…She looks so radiant in her competition photos…I’m going to steal her from you…I can’t wait for her to meet everyone.” No. Pressure.

At this point it was almost 1am and I asked him if he would like to continue what we were doing back at my place if he was cool with not fucking. (I have learned my lesson. Second date fucks just don’t work out for me). He agreed and within 2 minutes of being in my apartment, I had him on the bed ripping off each other’s clothes. Once again Jared was cute and said, “If I had known this was going to happen tonight I would have worn my nice underwear.” Dead.

Although we didn’t fuck that night, we covered some decent ground. Jared had some strong oral skills to start but then when he asked the most lovely question a man can ask, “Will you sit on my face?” His oral game got that much stronger.

We moved to the shower and he admitted that he had never just taken a shower with someone before. He had only ever showered with someone to fuck and the whole time he kept going on about how great it was to enjoy another person’s body in that way.

When we dried off and got snuggled up in bed (at 3am) he apologized for asking me to come back with him on our first date. I personally didn’t care but he didn’t want it to create a negative memory on such a great night. WHY WAS HE SO NICE? We spent the remaining two hours curled up together between him sucking on my neck and continuing to eat me out.

He texted me the next day and said that he couldn’t wait to see me for our next date. I was excited too. But also scared. For two years I said I wanted to be in a relationship again and when I decided to give up on that this fucker came into my life. I was staring everything I could have wanted in the face and it was petrifying. Then I remembered all the advice I received over the past few years. Accept and enjoy it for what it is and take everything one step at a time. With that in mind, we set the third date.

Encounter #28.1: Deep Throat

Published on July 7, 2018July 8, 2018 by datinglauraLeave a comment

App: Hinge

Name: Roberto*

Date Location: Pier 13 and Texas Arizona – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Bomb ass sangria that will get you drunk, beautiful views, and fun atmosphere

3.5 Stars – Tasty apps, decently priced drinks, near the main strip of bars, and close to the PATH train so you can make an escape

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

Roberto was not what I usually went for. He was clearly into sports, fitness, and shit while I like to lay on my couch with a bottle of wine. But he opened by saying he was a Patriots fan SO WE ALL KNOW HOW I RESPONDED. Plus he answered the question, What if I told you that… on his profile with, “I didn’t know what the “being exclusive” in a relationship was until I moved here. Where I come from if you are dating you are exclusive but ok.” I related so hard. NYC is a shitshow when it comes to dating and it was refreshing to find someone with a similar view.

He was clearly a nice guy. He offered to come to Hoboken since it was closer to me and truly just wanted me to be comfortable. He beat me there and as soon as I found him I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. The “Fuckkk you’re going to want to leave in 5 minutes” feeling. I honestly don’t know what prompted it. I don’t know if it was because his energy level seemed low or that right off the bat we were sitting in silence. I just had a feeling this wasn’t going to work.

Roberto was a slightly interesting guy. He grew up in the Dominican Republic, did engineering, was close to his sisters, and played ultimate Frisbee competitively. (It also helped that he was built like a man. Super tall, broad ass shoulders, more of a bulked up muscular body. I like looking like a tiny human next to a guy so this was welcomed.) That said, we had different values. Once again my family came up and he made a comment that being gay is a choice. UHMMMMMM K. Everyone has an opinion. That one just doesn’t work with me. We finished our beers and he offered to get sangria. So I got drunk and agreed to go with him to another bar so he could get food. Damn it.

We chatted while we waited for food and he tried a PBR for the first time so that was fun to watch. He was clearly much more into me than I was him. He made some comment that he could see himself commuting to NJ for me every week. Slow down buddy, I just met you. Then it happened. We kissed. And really, it started out fine. Then after we took a break he had nothing to say so just kept saying in the most patronizing tone, “Ohh you’re just so cute.” Shut up.

I waited with him in the bar for his train and when it was 10 minutes out he held my hand and we walked outside so I could call my Lyft. We kissed again but this time we made out. Actually, I pretty much ended up deep throating his tongue. No bueno. Like this shit was aggressive. I was dry drowning.

He stood behind me with his arms wrapped around me and kissing my neck while I was on the phone with my Lyft driver. The boy can’t kiss but damn, solid hugs. I got into the car and the next day we texted a few times and I apologized for keeping him out so late. He texted me something along the lines of, “If being tired means hanging out with you late nights, I want to be tired at work more often.”

Yeahhh, we got to end that. Nagasaki’ed.

Encounter #23.1: Nice Boy

Published on May 18, 2018May 19, 2018 by datinglaura2 Comments

Name: Aaron*

Date Location: Quality Greens Kitchen

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Super healthy and tasty. A cross between HoneyGrow and Chipotle. Wish there was booze.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Aaron was physically out of my league. By a lot. So I was shocked when he messaged first on Hinge. He asked to meet up in Hoboken to walk along the water front. I got there first so I was just dicking around on my phone texting friends in our group chat. I then done fucked it up.

Womp. To combat this issue, I changed his name in my phone to:

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Well, he still agreed to hang out with me. I walked up to him and he was SO FINE but it felt like I already made him uncomfortable. (I mean I kinda did).

But his voice was so stiff and monotone I really thought it was all over. I later realized that that was really his voice. We walked along the pier and he seemed to get more comfortable. We sat down and somehow within 15/20 minutes he asked if he could kiss me and we made out…for several minutes. It wasn’t too bad. The only thing was that his breath was kind of oniony and he wouldn’t let up. I love PDA, don’t get me wrong. But it was not dark enough outside to be doing that shit plus we were in an area where people take photos since the skyline is right there.

We stopped making out long enough for him to offer up dinner. We walked to the restaurant holding hands (his were so fucking dry. He needed some serious lotion). During this 7-minute walk I really started to hate him. He kept bringing up how he hated his hometown and that he was a health nut. Like no ice cream, no pizza, no fun health nut. Then by the time we got to the restaurant I learned he was bullied in high school, had body image issues, and neither were resolved.

We ate and kept chatting. Anytime he said anything, he sounded like a child. He wouldn’t curse so he used these odd made up words in their place. He also dropped the bomb that he didn’t drink. FUCK. I asked why and he said it’s because his aunt choked on her own vomit while drinking…and doing heroin and crack. I’m not a doctor, but I think the heroin and crack were the bigger issue.

Despite not drinking, he had been in more bar fights than you’d expect. As these stories went on it seemed like his friends weren’t really his friends and either kept him around for some personal gain or because they felt obligated. Either way, these guys he hung around with sucked.

After dinner we went back to the pier. He started to kiss me again and I just wanted it to stop. I was annoyed by him and I hated how he kept making out with me nonstop. I said something along the lines of, “I get really embarrassed by PDA” (total lie) to make it end. I really wanted to get to know him to see if I was a dick or if he really was that annoying to me. Instead, we went behind a piece of playground equipment and it just kept happening and it was getting worse. His nose poked my eye.

Somehow I got him to stop sucking my bottom lip off long enough to ask him what his worst date was. He said that a girl looked really in shape in her pics and then showed up not looking like them. WOW AARON. I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU. Meanwhile I’ve fucked a dude with no electricity, was blown off for a nap, and had a guy ditch after 7 minutes. BUT YES AARON THAT DATE WAS TERRIBLE.

I was ready to call it a night and despite his offer to drive me home, I called a Lyft. He texted me that night saying he had a good time and all that shit. The next day, I had a gala for work so I was working all night. He texted me at some point wishing me luck but I was busy so I ignored it. Three days later he texted me again asking how the event went. I had just gotten home from a weekend away so I ignored it and decided I would text him later to break it off.

He called me and left a fucking voicemail.

Fuck. This guy was nice. So nice. But also wayyyy more into me than I was into him. As much as I wanted to ghost, it was too late. I had to nagasaki him.

I blocked, unmatched, then sent the text out. He had an iPhone so despite being blocked his message came through on my laptop. He seemed to take it well even though I was the biggest cunt in history. I only made out with him and gave every indication I was interested. Great work, Laura.

Encounter #21.3: Brooklyn Babe

Published on May 4, 2018June 21, 2018 by datinglauraLeave a comment

App: Hinge

Name: Khalil*

Date Location: Mills Tavern (Hoboken) and Johnny Rockets

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Honestly I have no idea why I go to Mills. There’s nothing particularly special about it except that it’s easy to find

3.5 Stars– Mediocre food. Has a classic diner atmosphere and bomb ass shakes though

Date Duration: 16 hours

What Happened:

After flaking on me twice in three days, Khalil took it upon himself to make it up to me by suggesting a NJ date. He had me pick the spot and was really overcompensating for flaking as much as he did.

I met him at the bar and he apologized again for bailing on me. We covered the normal small talk, he kept complimenting me on how good I looked, and did all the right things to physically say he liked me. I loved how he would keep his arm on the back of my chair, rest his hand on my knee, and take my hand. It had been a long time since I felt like “someone’s girl”, as stupid as that sounds. Really, one of the things I missed most about being in a relationship was the physical contact outside of sex. There is something to be said about being touched in a way that makes you feel important.

After we had a few drinks he suggested we head across the street for some milkshakes since he knew I loved them so much. We crushed our shakes and some cheese fries and while we walked out I asked if he had ever seen the skyline from Hoboken. By far, it’s one of, if not the best, view of NYC so we walked over to the pier.

On the walk over he had his hand around my waist and held my hand because it was so fucking cold. When we got to the edge of the pier, he pulled me into his side as we stared at the skyline. Then he turned to me, brushed my hair out of my face, and kissed me. HOT DAMN. Then per usual we were making out and I asked him to come back to my place. He agreed.

Side note: Let’s be real. We both knew we were going to fuck. So I have no idea why we wasted our time going out beforehand.

Within about 5 minutes of being in my apartment we were making out on the couch and ripping clothes off. I threw some Trap Nation on and we did our thing—fucking nonstop.

Things were better this time. I knew what to expect, he knew my body a little bit better so it wasn’t as painful or shocking as the first time. It was slightly weirder though. I’m not opposed to dirty talk but I really don’t like a lot of it. To me, it feels like I’m in a shitty porn and it doesn’t add anything more to the experience. However, Khalil was very into it (and kind of bad at it). The word “pussy” should be used sparingly. In the way people hate the word “moist”, the word “pussy” makes me cringe. That was his go to word. “Your pussy feels so good. Do you realize how amazing your pussy is? Your pussy tastes so good. Pussy pussy blah blah blah pussy” If he just replaced the words “your pussy” with “you” it would have been about 5 million times less awkward and actually more genuine. But he stuck to his guns and also said mid-sex, “Your body is amazing. I love how thick you are.” UHM. NEVER CALL A WOMAN THICK TO HER FACE LET ALONE WHILE YOU’RE HAVING SEX. I spend a lot of time trying to not be considered “thick” so yes, thank you for bringing that up.

If that wasn’t enough, later that night between rounds we were talking about turn ons and what we looked for physically. He said a thick or curvier woman while he slid his hand down my side. OKAY SIR. I GET IT I NEED TO HIT THE GYM. I know it was meant as a compliment but when you spend so much time trying to rid yourself of that look, it doesn’t feel great. Also I’m a size 6/8 jean and wear medium shirts. I don’t think that would necessarily count as “thick”.

I made a mistake with Khalil. We were talking about our sexual chemistry and I made a comment along the lines of, “This never happens. No one ever makes it to my apartment let alone a third date.” So now he thought he was special or some shit. Then he said, “Well I can’t wait for our fourth date, and the one after that, and the one after that.”

Here’s the thing. After that night, I made the decision that we were only going to be sex friends. I liked spending time with him, he was smart, interesting, and all that but he couldn’t really make me laugh. We had different senses of humor and I kind of found his to be annoying. He was so sexy when he would talk about his career and other things he had done but oh my god, I wanted to wring his neck whenever he tried to be funny. Also, when describing him to others I would say “He’s fine.” Fine is not the word to describe someone you want to seriously date.

He asked me when he could see me again and we picked Friday of that week. There was a bar in Hoboken I really liked for weekends and he wanted to check it out. Since he had already flaked on me twice before, I texted him at lunch asking if we were on and he responded, “On like Donkey Kong” and we decided to meet at 9.

A half hour before he was supposed to meet me he asked if he could push it back by an hour…to take a nap.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm, kay.

I figured it would be a wash at that point so I changed out of my cute outfit and hot underwear into bum clothes, headed to McDonald’s to get a McFlurry, and parked my ass on the couch. While I was rage eating fries (the ice cream machine was broken) this fucker called me.

“Heyyy what are you up to?”

“Nothing. I’m chilling on my couch eating fries in my comfy clothes. You?”

“That sounds dope. I still haven’t left my bed. …Do you still want to do something tonight?”

“I’m not making you come to NJ to sit on my couch with me.”

“I feel so bad but Jersey is soooo far. I’m just so tired. What are you doing tomorrow?”

“I have to work.”

“Sunday?”

“I already have plans.”

“Oh. Okay, I don’t want to get in the way of your plans. Sorry again, have a good night.”

He texted me the next day and then the week after that.

Yeahhhh I’m never going to be free. He cancelled on me 3 times and one was for a damn nap. BYE.

Encounter #19.1: Months in the Making

Published on April 4, 2018May 31, 2018 by datinglauraLeave a comment

App: N/A (I know, crazy!)

Name: Eric*

Date Location: Porta – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Cool spot. Unfortunately we didn’t eat but the pizza is apparently really good. The space is really cozy and the bar is super long.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Eric and I met at a bar in Hoboken in November. I had lost my friend in the bar, started making moves to find her, and instead found Eric in the corner of the dance floor. We made small talk, found out he was a Pats fan, lived in Hoboken, and had the cheapest rent in the land. Alas, I had to go find my friend plus it seemed like an oddly long time to talk to this guy and I didn’t want to annoy the shit out of him.

When I left, his friend gave me his number (before trying to pick me up for himself). I texted Eric not long after just saying hey and letting him know that I got his number from his friend. (I didn’t want to come off creepy plus he may not have been interested in the first place).

He texted me back, added me on Snapchat, and we chatted pretty regularly. Nothing crazy, we weren’t having deep conversations but I was confident that he wasn’t a serial killer or anything. For months we kept trying to make plans but one of us would be away, busy, or cancel. *Cough Cough Eric *

After a trip to Canada my friend asked me what happened to him and convinced me to text him and ask him out one last time. Sure. What did I have to lose at that point?

Well I didn’t hear back. For over a week. But he kept checking my Snap stories. FUCK YOU TOO ERIC. I changed his last name to “NO” and left it at that. (Fun fact: To keep all these motherfuckers straight I will save their first names in my phone but leave the last name as YES, NO, or TBD so if I’m drunk or if they have similar names I can keep them straight. If I really hate them I’ll put the reason in the ‘Company’ box).

I posted something on Snapchat about getting a CrockPot and he responded to it with some comment about how the Patriots Superbowl loss had been tough. Random. But whatever, it had been a hard week as a New England fan.

He then apologized for never answering my text and said he deserved all the shit I could lay on him. I sent this gem.

He finally asked me out after 3 months of back and forth and even was proactive on picking the spot. The day of he checked in to see if we were still on and we were ready to go. This was it.

I waited for him for like 10 minutes at the bar but I kept thinking, “This is going to be awesome. This could be it. LOOK ALIVE”. He showed up and was taller and less attractive than I remembered. When we first met, it was pitch black in the club and we had to yell to talk to each other. When we met in person I finally heard what his voice sounded like. No bueno.

Even though we were yelling over Pitbull music the night we met, he did remember a lot more than I expected. He knew what I did for work, almost remembered the name of the company, and remembered exactly what I wore. Granted it was a Cosby sweater so slightly more memorable than most but I gave it to him.

What I couldn’t give him was a personality. Oh my god. So boring. I was carrying the team on my back once again. No joke, we spent 20 minutes talking about Tom Brady. Literally so much had happened since we met: Thanksgiving, Santa Con, Christmas, New Years, the Super Bowl, a bunch of people in the White House left. There was a lot of shit to cover and he had nothing to say.

He did know about his friend who tried to pick me up which was funny. We had different versions of that night but I was apparently dubbed, “Eric’s Girl”. His friend was one of his roommates, (1 of 4 in a 2-bedroom. Dear God.) and when he found out we were going out he wanted to crash the date. Honestly, would have added some spice to the night.

He cut out early which I had no complaints about, he walked me to the train stop, we hugged, and I went on my merry way thinking this was the exhale to a 3 month lead up. About an hour after I got home I got a text from him saying that he had “so much fun”. K.

I kept the conversation short. I told him to send his friend my regards but I never said I wanted to meet up again. Eric snapped me every day after. Sometimes I would reciprocate (mostly when I was hammered) but sometimes I wouldn’t. We never went out again.