Encounter #94.1: The Dentist

App: Hinge

Name: Martin*

Date Location: Magoo’s Ice Cream – Rockland, MA

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Decent mini-golf course and good ice cream. Not a flashy spot but it gets the job done.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

It’s not that there was a lot of lead-up between Martin and me matching to when we met up. It was a fucking eternity.

We chatted on Hinge for over a month. During that time I went to DC, VA, FL, a wedding, turned 29, and got COVID. Lived a fucking lifetime. Overall, Martin was fun enough to talk to. He had just finished dental school and was studying to take his licensing exam. Lived a few towns over from me and came off normal. So when he asked me to hang out, didn’t have a reason to say no.

We went mini-golfing and he was cuter than his pics would have led me to believe. Very tall, and clearly had a nice body. I kicked his ass at golf and he wanted to keep hanging out so we got ice cream. Conversation was still okay but we were definitely running out of things. We decided to call it a night and he walked me to my car and we hugged.

In the days following the date, I picked up on the fact that he was not a consistent texter which I just don’t have time for. But, I kept thinking back to the fact that he was freaky active. I don’t mean go to the gym for 2 hours a day. I mean multiple spin classes followed by going to a climbing gym followed by a run. So that was weird. Not sure how to decipher that but smells like some kind of disorder.

In the end, I just wasn’t interested in pursuing it further so may have ghosted him and never heard from him again.

Encounter #89.1: Saltine

App: Hinge

Name: Hernando*

Date Location: Russell House Tavern – Cambridge, MA

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – Parking sucks ass but they smoke their own meats which is pretty fucking cool.

Date Duration: 1 hour

What Happened:

I had been doing a lot of travel for work and had been chatting with Hernando for a decent chunk of it. So, had to make a point to see him when I had a few days back in the area.

Leading up, there wasn’t anything exciting to report. He seemed relatively normal but what got me excited was that he liked to go salsa dancing and this bitch just loves to dance all night.

He picked the place and when it was game day, he was running late and we had to push back. Twice. So wasn’t a fan of that when parking costs about a million dollars an hour in Cambridge.

I walked up to him outside the bar and it was an immediate nope. He was an objectively attractive guy but, his energy gave me Dracula/murder vibes. Just wasn’t a fan.

We went to the basement bar and chatted. He didn’t drink so while I had a cocktail he killed a plate of smoked sausages which was an interesting flex. Man loved his meats.

We had actually nothing to talk about. I kept trying to ask him things and the answers were dry af and it wasn’t like he was trying to reciprocate. About 15 minutes in he went to the bathroom and I texted a friend saying I was over it.

Luckily, it was tax day so he said he had to go and finish his stuff. Was this a lie? Probably. But I wasn’t about to stay there all night and have my bodysuit continue to chafe my ass. We hugged at the door and went our separate ways.

Well, when I got home I was feeling a bit punchy. I may have made a Tiktok. And perhaps in that Tiktok I said, “I’m not mad that I had an unsuccessful date. I am mad that I wore a bodysuit and that snap has been up my butt for the past hour for a man who has the personality of a saltine.”

Next morning, this one came in.

WOMP WOMP. Oh well.

Encounter #86.1: Good Soup

App: Hinge

Name: Harold*

Date Location: Assembly – Quincy, MA

Location Review: It’s fine. Overall like the vibes but I didn’t think the food was all that.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

For whatever reason, I had a week that I was popular on the apps. So like any slut would do, I scheduled the date for the day after another at the very same restaurant because fuck it.

Harold appealed to me because low key, he seemed like he had his shit together. Worked in some kind of banking/finance, was working on his MBA, and managed to ask me questions while we chatted on the app.

When I walked up to him, I was happy with what I saw. He was tall and decently attractive. We grabbed our seats at the bar and when we got talking, the chemistry wasn’t completely there. It’s not that anything was horribly wrong, I just wasn’t 100% sold.

I will say, we were talking about what we were looking for and he gave me the classic, “I don’t want to force anything. I really just want to see where things go blah blah blah”. Barf. I clapped back with, “You know you can just say you’re not ready for a relationship, right?”. He laughed. I didn’t. You’re 31 and don’t know if you want a relationship or not? Buh-bye.

The nail in the coffin though happened once we left the restaurant. Up until this point, I wasn’t entirely feeling it but I wasn’t 100% put off. When we got outside he kissed me and he made the loudest slurp noises I have ever heard in my life. How on a busy road could I hear this man slurp while he made out with me? Ick was acquired and that was the end of that.