Hallmark Movie: UPDATE

HERE WE GO AGAIN BITCHES. Get the wine, put on Folklore, and let’s cry.

RECAP:

Rich and I met while I was back home, had a crazy connection, and were together ever since.

UPDATE:

Like everyone else, Rich and I had our own struggles and COVID didn’t make things easier but there wasn’t anything in particular I felt we couldn’t handle. Up until a certain point, the only real issues I had were that after being together (and exclusive) for 5 months he still wouldn’t call me his girlfriend and I couldn’t see him all that much. The tipping point happened one random Thursday night when I found some shit. Because of how small our hometown is, I don’t want to get into too many specifics. Let’s just leave it at I found something which depending on who you ask, may or may not be a big deal. That said, I was devastated.

I screenshotted what I found and texted him in the middle of the night because #rage. I was up for hours just waiting for him to wake up and respond. For something that would disprove all the thoughts I had and make it stop.

7 hours later I got a response and it didn’t make me feel any better. He basically just said it happened when he was bored, there were times he wasn’t sure we were supposed to be together, even though it may seem like a big deal it wasn’t, and nothing happened.

I proceeded to lose my damn mind. Even if he didn’t see it as a big deal, I did. Also, if he had doubts WHY DIDN’T HE SAY ANYTHING?

I had a flight that same day so I couldn’t talk to him plus, I probably would have either said some really terrible things or, just laid in a ball and cried. Either way, not a cute look.

We didn’t talk at all while I was away but as soon as I landed I met with him. As angry and hurt as I was, I was hoping there was some way we could move past it. 95% of me thought it was going to end right then and there but that 5% was holding on so fucking hard.

The conversation went in phases. The first was that we were broken up. By not reaching out over the weekend I had fucked up in his eyes. He had heavy things outside of our relationship going on and he felt I should have put that aside and reached out. I wanted to. I won’t lie, I had the text typed out but I kept deleting it because I really thought I would make things worse. Not saying anything did more damage and I’ll own that mistake. I fucked up.

Phase 2 we were back together. We were curled up together just crying and saying how we’d work to forgive each other. I made a comment that I wanted to be with him but I needed a label at some point. I didn’t want to put in girlfriend level work to fix us and be there for him through all this to not have the title. He didn’t want to do that.

That led us to Phase 3: Together But Not Talking. I needed time to process everything and I felt like he needed time too. There was so much going on that I felt extremely overwhelmed and overstimulated so I needed to be fully alone and sort some shit out. Plus with all his stuff going on, I thought it would give him some time to focus on himself and get back on track. We agreed on three weeks of no contact.

We really sucked at that and the three weeks became one. Rich reached out to me more than I did him but, I always responded. As the week went on, I was no closer to figuring anything out. I wanted him in my life. I did. But there was other stuff that wasn’t quite working in our relationship and I didn’t know if he would want to work on it or even how to fix it.

We made plans to meet up and it followed a similar pattern to Break Up, Part 1. I walked in and asked if he wanted me in his life and he said yes. Tbh I didn’t expect that at all. I really thought he was going to pull it.

Then he asked where I was at. More or less I said,

“I want you in my life but at the same time I don’t know if you have the time I need you to give me when you have all this other stuff going on.”

Like last time, at first we were broken up and then came the part when we were together and trying to fix things. It boiled down to the fact that we loved very differently, had different views on what it meant to be in a relationship, and to get where we wanted it would require time and effort Rich just didn’t have. So he pulled the plug.

Then came Part 3: Actually Breaking Up. This didn’t go very well. Really just a lot of sobbing. 10/10: would not recommend. He kept saying how I deserved better. That there was someone out there who would care for me the same way I cared for him. That pissed me off. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard that and I’ll never understand it. If I deserve better then step up and be better. That just says to me you knew you weren’t pulling your weight and didn’t care to change anything. Meanwhile, I had been reading all these articles and books, going to therapy, doing all these things to be a better partner and you just decided to tap out along the way and coast. Such bullshit.

I know ending it was the right thing. It wasn’t going in a healthy direction but holy fuck, it hurts like hell. Everyone says after a break up, “You don’t understand. What we had was different” and in this case I think it was true to a certain extent. It may not have made sense to everyone but it made sense to us. Our connection felt like we knew each other forever and it is so hard to describe what it felt like when we were together. #WitchTok

But break ups always suck. The hardest part isn’t even grieving the end of the relationship. It’s grieving the person you met at the beginning and all the possibilities that came with them.

Like a crazy person, I went through every text message we ever sent. Start to finish. That guy I was with at the end is not the same person who would ask me to hang out so he could hold my hand, who drove to my house in the middle of the day just to see my haircut, who laughed with me on the floor until 2am, who wanted me to feel important like no other shit bag I went out with ever had. That’s the person I miss the most and can’t let go of.

Friends keep asking me how I’m doing and tbh I feel crushed, humiliated, and so fucking stupid. Break ups feel like that moment in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy goes from black and white to a world full of color. You can’t see it when you’re in it but, once you get some distance everything is so fucking clear. I really thought this was it for me and there were so many times he showed me it wasn’t but, I kept clinging on to that version of him I fell for for dear life.

And I hate feeling this way. I hate that this is what I talk to my friends about. I hate feeling annoying. I hate that I can’t be happy for anyone right now because truthfully, I am so fucking jealous. While everyone else is taking the next steps I’m sitting here trying to piece myself back together in my childhood bedroom.

So what’s next? I don’t know, maybe we’ll get back together after time apart. Maybe we won’t. Maybe the country will break into civil war and I’ll become a handmaid. A lot of things could happen but right now the focus is taking care of myself. Whatever the flying fuck that looks like.

Above Average: UPDATE

Well, your favorite skank is back.

I know, I really didn’t think I’d be back here either. I thought Jared* and I had something special. We loved each other to a depth I had never thought possible…but sometimes that’s not enough.

I had gone back and forth for the past few months if I wanted to write this. For awhile I kind of wanted to keep it private but then I felt like I’d be lying. I was 100% honest about falling in love, it’s only fair to be honest about falling out of it.

So. Here we go. Put on some Adele, pour a glass of wine, and buckle up for the bullshit.

A few things to note:

  • It had been a tough year for Jared but things were starting to really turn around at the time of the break up.
  • I wanted to get married in the next 4-6 years and he didn’t know what he wanted. Every time the marriage conversation came up, it would end with me sobbing and Jared feeling awful.

With this in mind, I immediately started to panic when I received a text saying we had to have the discussion we were putting off. For 2 hours I sat in my apartment trying not to throw up but when he came up to my door without a bag and the worst face, I knew.

We moved to my room and sat on the bed. No kiss to say hi or anything. He didn’t speak so I said, “Well if you’re going to do it, just get it over with.” He then said, “We need to break up.”

And then my world stopped.

I don’t remember what exactly was said when but, it came down to that he couldn’t give me what I wanted and it wasn’t fair to me. That I deserved someone who put me on a pedestal the same way I did for them and wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. The thing was I never thought I wasn’t getting that.

The main point he kept bringing up was I wanted to get married and he didn’t know if he wanted that too. We had gone to a few weddings and they essentially were the nail in the coffin for our relationship. He saw how excited my friends were to take the next step and how much they loved each other but he didn’t feel the same about me.

Listen buddy. It’s someone’s fucking wedding day. You bet your ass those motherfuckers are going to be excited AF to be marrying each other because they just spent like $30,000 on a god damn party. This is the day where you’re the most in love. You can’t compare your day to day relationship to a couple on their wedding day because you’ll lose every time.

There were a few other things peppered in like we weren’t “100% compatible” and had different senses humor. I mean that’s not true for anyone BUT OKAY.

Still, I begged him to stay and take it all back which wasn’t my best moment. I only wanted to be with him and I was so sure I had found my person. Everything I had wanted up to that point I felt I had and it fucking destroyed me that he didn’t see what I saw.

He held me the whole time as I sobbed and tried to change his mind. He said our relationship “hadn’t progressed forward” and so I doubled down. He was moving in a month and I said I’d get my car, pack it up, and move with him. I didn’t care. Don’t want to get married? Fine. I’d live. He said no.

Probably about an hour into my bullshit I realized that it was truly over. I remember between sobs looking into his eyes and having a moment of clarity. He was done. He was going to leave and I wouldn’t see or speak to him ever again. I’d have to date again. Fuck that noise. Text someone for days, meet up, and be disappointed? NOPE. Then came round two of full out sobbing.

During all this, I heard my roommate in the kitchen while he and I reached the point where we were ready to be done with the sob fest. I didn’t want her to see me looking like a fucking shit show so we laid on the bed and cuddled one last time.

I told him how much I loved seeing him with my family and that’s what made me want babies with him. I just loved him so fucking much I wanted to put more of him in the world. He told me that I was the best girlfriend he ever had and I did everything right…but like apparently not because here I am writing about my god damn break up. BUT I DIGRESS.

He kept saying that I was going to meet someone who would make me so happy. That his psychic/medium mother confirmed it. I just wanted to meet Jared all over again and relive everything. To see his face light up the way it did on our first date. To hug him again while he did the dishes. I wanted all of it.

When we broke up, I asked for him to mail me my things. He said he’d reach out in 2 weeks in case I wanted to meet so I could get closure. That fucking pissed the living shit out of me. I didn’t want to see him. He fucking ruined my life. Stop trying to be the nice guy and own up to the fact that you fucking wrecked me. Also JUST GIVE ME MY SHIT.

By the week 2 mark, I was feeling “fine”. I more of less felt numbed out but I was able to go to work and enjoy time with friends. I walked out the door at lunch for a doctor’s appointment and I saw his name pop up on my phone. Everything went black for a second and I felt my stomach flip.

12

I probably shouldn’t have said that but god damn, I wanted him to fucking hurt. He knew I wanted to get the fuck out of New Jersey the entire time we were together. If he wanted to really do “the right thing”, he would have dumped me before I renewed my lease.

I sobbed when I got home. Hard. But it was weirdly comforting knowing I got my dig in. I said everything I needed to in less than 10 words.

About a week later, I felt the urge to creep on social media. I typed his name into Facebook and it just listed our mutual friends. When I hit enter I saw it. He deleted me. I went through every other platform and he unfollowed me. I can’t explain it, but that was the last straw. For the most part, I was keeping it together. I would cry myself to sleep but I was doing great at work and if anything, I was doing my job better. I was working out, seeing friends, and on my way to finding my new normal. This undid a lot of that.

It felt so fucking personal. How dare this fucker cut me out AGAIN when I apparently did nothing wrong. I’m sorry that seeing my face gives you hell. It fucking should.

So then I sobbed at work and my boss walked in on it. (Isn’t life grand?) I got home and saw my box of stuff next to the stairwell. Great. It would come in that day. Took it upstairs and opened it up to find a letter sitting on the top. Here we go again.

I read it and started sobbing like someone had died. I was so loud that I was concerned someone would call the cops so I had to get a pillow to muffle it. (#CityLiving) To sum it up, the letter basically said that I was such an incredible support, deserved love, and was an amazing person. That I “would find great love” because I was great love.

I believed everything in that letter was true. I did. But at the same time if everything in it was true, why the fuck would you break up with me? And, why would you send me another emotional mess to clean up?

Like any crazy bitch would do, I texted him and asked him to call me because I had questions. FUCK IT. I held my tongue long enough. I was done with him getting to be “the nice guy”. I was pissed that all this was what he wanted and how it felt like this whole break up was about him and his feelings.

So we talked. And these were the answers I got.

  • He wrote the letter because if he was in my situation he felt he would have wanted it but he was sorry that it made things worse.
  • He didn’t say those things to me when I gave him the chance to talk because since he wasn’t the one broken up with, he didn’t feel like it was his place to say anything.
    • But it was apparently his place to write me a fucking letter?
  • If I got anything from the letter, it was to know my worth.
    • Once again, if I’m this great why would you let me go?
    • Also, I know I’m a damn catch. I don’t need you to tell me so you can feel better about yourself.
  • He had been telling himself that he was “doing the right thing” and all that nice guy shit when moments were hard.
    • This pissed the living shit out of me
    • He also admitted that he too had been crying at work on occasion, still loved me, thought about me every day, and that things had been hard for him.
    • Also, what I texted him really hurt.
      • I took sick pleasure in knowing that.
  • He broke up with me because we had “different goals”. When I asked what mine were he said, “To be a stay at home mom, on a farm, in Maryland”.
    • Only 1/3 of that is true
    • I apparently joked so much about not working, he really thought that was what I wanted and he didn’t want to live it.
  • His goal was, “to take over the world”. Specifics were not identified.
    • I lost my shit when I heard this. How can I not be supportive of a goal that hasn’t even been identified?
  • It really did bother him that we had different senses of humor. That we didn’t find 100% of the same things funny.
    • This also made me lose my shit.
    • No couple, ever, finds exactly the same things funny. We all come from different places and have had different experiences. Because of that, some of us are drier, some are darker, some love puns. BUT OKAY YEAH.
    • When asked to give more detail he said humor is very important to him and he just had high standards…I TELL JOKES ON STAGE, OWN A FUCKING PUPPET, AND WRITE THIS SMUT FOR ALL YOU FUCKERS. YOU REALLY THINK HUMOR ISN’T REALLY IMPORTANT FOR ME TOO?
  • He wasn’t ready for our relationship to be as serious as it was and he didn’t know what he wanted from the beginning.
    • He was the one who used the word “boyfriend” first
    • I was sitting next to him when he told his brother he wanted to live with me
    • We fought over baby names
    • He said repeatedly during our relationship that I was the love of his life
    • He said I was the only girlfriend he had ever seen a future with
  • He had doubts the whole time but really started considering pulling the plug in May.
    • My lease ran out in July so I could have moved had this discussion happened earlier
    • Our 1-year was in July so we could have avoided all that shit and I’d have some extra money to buy myself more vodka right about now
  • It was the marriage thing that did it at the end of the day.

To say I felt weird after that call is an understatement. I had my own theories and ideas and the call confirmed everything. All these things were in his head and it all came down to his own fucking bullshit. On the flip side, despite him trying to say all these things to make me feel better it only dug up my own insecurities. I hadn’t been enough for a lot of different things in my life. I was never thin enough growing up. I wasn’t smart enough in school. And as it turns out I wasn’t funny enough for Jared either. I did everything fucking right and it still wasn’t enough for him to want a future with me.

That was painful.

It took some time to work through that and it’s something I’m still working through. When someone you thought would always be in your corner hurts you like that, it fucks with your ego and it’s been tough to process.

I’ve been asked how I’m doing and truthfully I don’t know. Pretty much every morning I wake up with knots in my stomach, I have trouble falling asleep, my hair has been falling out, and my eating patterns make absolutely no sense.

For the most part I just feel a bit numb and I’m just going through the motions sometimes. When I have a moment to think about everything, I just feel farther and farther from the life I knew. I keep expecting to wake up from all this shit and hear Jared say, “Good morning babe!” as he leans in to kiss me.

As for dating, I’m feeling slightly lost. I’ve been looking inward at my own goals and been questioning if another person can even fit into them right now. At the same time, I feel this crazy internal pressure to get back out there because if I want to have children, I need to be aware of “the clock”. (No joke, every time I watch This Is Us I have an urge to hold a million babies and cry). So right now I’m kind of dating passively. I’m not putting in any more fucking effort than I have to and seeing what the fuck happens.

But during all this shit, a friend told me that when you’re healing there are days that you can only handle being open to it. And that’s okay. Being open is the first step to giving yourself grace and sometimes that’s enough to start big change.

Here I am. Being open to healing with all of you. I don’t know when I’ll be back to my full self, or even what that would look like, but I’m open to seeing where I go from here.