Honorable Mention: Spooky Honesty
Tag: Ghosting
Situation #10.1: The Magician
Name: Mack*
What Happened:
Little known fact about me. I LOVE magic (not The Gathering. The bunny out of a hat kind). Like a lot. I feel like it’s one of the few times you get to experience that feeling of childhood wonder at any age and I can never figure out how the tricks are done. I had previously dated a guy who could do the BS close up magic and I would shit myself in excitement every time.
For my day job, we were hosting an event and hired a magician. No joke, this was my best day ever. Not only did I get to eat and drink for free before, the show had drag queens, one of the drag queens did all these songs I used to cover, AND THERE WAS A FUCKING MAGICIAN WHO WAS CUTE.
Even though it was my best day, no one else seemed as excited. The theatre could seat 200+ and there were maybe 30 attendees. Intimate AF show. He called for a volunteer, I shot my hand up, and he called me up. I can’t explain what happened next but I started crying because I was so happy. Then he asked me who my favorite magician was and I blurted, “ANDREW J. PINARD. HE’S FANTASTIC AND USED TO WORK AT NEWICK’S.” (Newick’s was a seafood restaurant in NH my family went to. The closest one to us closed 15+ years ago. I have seen him perform since and it is fucking magical!)
Mack did the trick and my mind was fucking blown. How did he guess my card? How did he slide my card up through a drawing of a card deck? Why doesn’t the paper have a slit? HOLY SHIT.
He signed the paper he drew on and I went back to my seat. After the show, my friend told me that she went to school with him and that I should hit him up since she thought he was single. I brushed it off.
Well, I got drunk a week later and thought FUCK IT. I followed him on Instagram. It didn’t take long for him to follow me back and he liked a photo from New Years Eve. It was fucking May. I got drunk again a week later and slid into his DMs.
Well shit! We kept messaging back and forth and he mentioned that he didn’t receive our annual publication. I put one in an envelope with a post-it saying “Enjoy!” and sent his way. I got a little ballsy and messaged him to go out for drinks some time as well.
He messaged me when he got the mail and gave me shit for my note because I “could be cuter”. I wrote a quick thank you note and sent it over.
Things got more and more flirtatious.
He apparently creeped my ass pretty hard. He saw all my old ventriloquism photos. Then things got even saucier.
But then he would ghost and randomly come back from the dead.
Then he’d message me again, get saucy, and cut out.
I didn’t hear from him for weeks. Then he zombied back.
DOUBLE MESSAGE? Interesting. I did notice a pattern though. It was almost always a Friday/Saturday night. At least one, if not both of us would be traveling. And, he always left the conversation hanging. I did some creeping. He had been dating this girl for a long ass time and there was no clear indicator that they broke up. My friend was friends with him on Facebook and said he wasn’t in a relationship. Here’s the thing. I found her Instagram. It was private but her profile photo was a pic of the 2 of them. CURIOUS.
I had started seeing someone regularly so it didn’t feel right to respond anymore. That didn’t go over so well.
He’s not the only one who can disappear.
Situation #2.3: The EMT Zombie
Name: Gary*
What Happened:
After our last conversation, I couldn’t help but want to stir the pot. After all, this fucker said he wanted to get a beer to reminisce about how we met. Fine. I got drunk the night before Thanksgiving and made my shot.
Just going to glaze over that? K.
He asked for my Snapchat info and we chatted on and off for the rest of the week. Pretty much, he would only talk to me when he was working. One day, there was a tiny ass earthquake on the east coast. He Snapped me to see if I was okay and needed medical attention. I let him know that I was good and he did the thing again!
He said that if I was in need to let him know, he wanted to see me, blah blah. As it turned out he was headed to Pennsylvania in February and asked if he could crash on my couch on the way down. KAYYYY.
I agreed. TBD on if he ends up visiting let alone staying on the couch.
Situation #2.2: The EMT Zombie
Name: Gary*
What Happened:
I thought Gary and I were done. We had our brief chat in August and aside from likes on Instagram, I had no contact with him.
Mother fucker got me again! I had just came back to my apartment from a date and checked my instagram. He slid into the DMs with “Hey hows life”.
Fuck it, I’m in NY, he’s hot, this is weird. LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS. We made small talk and talked about work. He started a new gig and moved a few towns over. Then he goes in with, “We need to grab a beer someday. We can laugh about how we met haha”. Interesting.
He then said,
“It was a great story me and my buddies laughed our asses off about that whole call to be honest. Did I ever tell you that I wasn’t supposed to be in the back? I was supposed to drive…Well on the way there my partner offered to tech since I was the paramedic and had already done a few but if you remember I show up for a very attractive girl sitting there half laughing half pouting and you look up and were like ‘hey you’re cute’ and I smiled and said ‘Well you’re very cute yourself’ and my partner just said to me ‘Yeah, I take it you’re teching this one, huh’ haha.”
We bantered a bit and he went on with,
“haha hey you are def one of my favorite patients ever haha. I mean how many times do I get to put a beautiful girl in my ambulance? Not very often I promise”
Between chats I decided to creep up on him. As it turned out, he was at a Halloween party I was supposed to go to in NH. I had no idea how he knew my friends but such a fucking small world. I also saw that he had a photo shoot with his baby (adorable) but then there was picture from the shoot of him kissing some girl. AWK SAUCE. No idea what the status on that was but I found it interesting.
As usual, I responded to his last message and POOF. Gone again.
TBT: The Hooks
Name: Connor*
App: Tinder
Situation Duration: 5 Months
What Happened:
After a few unsuccessful first dates I found myself back on Tinder swiping away. Everything was business as usual until I came across Connor’s profile. I had known Connor from high school and always thought he was cute. Tall, smart, funny, dog person, and had a really nice set of hands. (I like a man who can palm a basketball, come at me). Immediately I swiped right thinking nothing would come of it.
Then one night while out for margs I got the notification. I MATCHED WITH CONNOR. HOLY SHIT BALLS. I may or may not have done a small happy dance in the restaurant. My friends convinced me to message first and it just went from there.
Connor and I’s first date was at my favorite spot in NH. After making jokes at some guy’s expense at the bar, I apparently made a decent impression on him. We went out again, and again, and again until we were seeing each other every week for about 5 months.
I’ll admit. I didn’t just fall for Connor. I fell fucking hard. He checked off all the boxes on my “list”, was a genuinely good person, and never made me feel stupid for the way I viewed the world. We connected on some unique things that I may not “look for” but are welcomed bonuses. Also he would remember all the small, weird shit I’d say and could make me laugh all the time. (And best sex. Hands down. Holy shit. No joke, I would give a kidney for that).
After about 3 months of this I wanted to know where it was going. After all, we were seeing each other every week and I didn’t know how to answer the “Do you have a boyfriend?” question at bars. We went out for dinner and while we were parked in his car on the way back he referred to me as “the girl he’s been seeing”. I responded with:
“Oh, we’re dating now?”
“Oh? Casually seeing?”
“No that was a genuine question. What is this?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to lead you on but I also don’t know if I want a relationship right now”
“Want to just do what we’re doing for the next 2 months and figure it out?”
“Sure”
And then we made out. A lot.
I was okay with his answer…at first. His last relationship ended with him finding out his girlfriend cheated on him. I completely get that he had some shit to figure out. But I’m also a fucking nut job and love to ruin things.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What was I doing? Why did I like him so much? Should I break up with him? How do I even break up with him if we’re not dating? But he was a fucking fantastic person and I was happy when I was with him. SHIT.
I of course, never said anything. After another few months of great dates, wonderful conversations, and several rolls in the hay, I never heard from him again. (Excluding Snapchat)
The last time I saw him we got drinks, hung out at his place, fucked, and I was there until the afternoon. I left and that was it. I wanted him to reach out so bad. I felt like it was no longer my place to keep setting up dates if he didn’t really want it. Who knows, maybe he was waiting for me to reach out and that was my mistake. Both of us were just as capable of sending a text and I was being petty. I should have just done it, asked him point blank what was up, and gone from there. But I didn’t.
About 2 months after we had last seen each other I decided to move to NYC and I still held out a sliver of hope that he’d reach out. I even drunkenly snapped him on my birthday and texted him the next day to apologize hoping it would start a conversation. It didn’t. I invited him to my going away party as a last ditch effort. Not to start anything with him but more to close that door. He went up to the lake instead…with a girl…who he’s now dating (so much for that whole not wanting a relationship thing. BUT I DIGRESS).
By far, this has been the toughest “relationship” I ever had to get over because there was no definitive end and we only had positive experiences together. It’s not like I could blame it on the fact that we fought all the time, didn’t have anything in common, or had terrible sex.
My one regret was not having the balls to be honest because I got nothing out of keeping my feelings to myself. What would have been the difference in my life if I had said something and the feelings weren’t returned vs my life now? Fucking nothing. I didn’t say anything and we still ended up not talking.
The question I get all the time is if I’m over him. Yes but no (This one Jason Mraz song explains it so much better than I can). If he called me right now, you can bet my pathetic ass would pick up. At the same time I’ve realized that given the current circumstances of both our lives, it won’t happen so there’s no point in staying on his hook. If we’re meant to be, it will happen either in this life or another but I’m not going to lock myself away in a tower waiting for something that isn’t possible.
But most importantly, I see he’s happy and it would be incredibly selfish for me to reach out and ruin that. It may suck sometimes to look back on and accept, but it’s reality. As strange as it may be to say, I’m oddly happy that he’s happy. We both were put through the relationship ringer in 2016 and to see that he came out on the other side gives me weird, bittersweet, hope for myself.
Situation #2.1: The EMT Zombie
Name: Gary*
Location: An Ambulance
What Happened:
Back in February I was seeing a guy pretty regularly but we weren’t set in stone. One night it was my turn to pick the date. In my infinite wisdom I chose roller skating.
On the date I fell, fractured my arm, drank enough vodka to take the edge off, and managed to fuck the guy twice that night. (How I didn’t get wifed after that, I’ll never know). The next morning I woke up in a lot of pain and couldn’t rotate my arm but damn it, I got shit to do so I went to my little sister’s competition.
While at the competition, I had a physical therapy friend manipulate my arm to see how bad the break was and I passed out from the pain. While I was down they called the ambulance and the most beautiful EMT came to my rescue. So beautiful that I thought FUCK IT and said, “Wow you’re really attractive”. To which he responded, “Thanks, you’re also really attractive”.
We flirted the entire way to the emergency room and he came in to check on me after I had my X-ray. Being the creeper she is, my physical therapy friend found him on Facebook, had me friend him, and we talked the whole weekend.
It turns out Gary used to be in the Army, married young, has a baby, but mom is out of the picture romantically speaking. Despite all this I figured he was hot and if I ever wanted to end it I had the baby as my out.
We talked and talked and talked and then POOF. Never heard from again. Okay, whatever. We never went out anyways and he has a daughter to take care of. (Yet he still to this day likes every single pic I post on Insta)
6 MONTHS LATER
Boy comes back from the dead.
I had been out of state and was blowing up social media with all the photos. He messaged me to ask what I was up to, how I’ve been, the whole thing. And then POOF. Never heard from again.
I also like being a ghost. But only on Halloween.
#DatingLaura 