Date Location: My Apartment
Location Review: N/A
Date Duration: 16 hours
Despite the cum shot to the eye, I gave Chase another chance. Yes it was a lot to take in for an initial encounter but, Chase was fucking hot and I couldn’t stop thinking about the sex.
Both of us had partied the night before so we decided to hang out together at home. However, I woke up that morning with my period. God damn it. Since he was coming over, I expected sex to happen and thought it would be polite to give him a heads up.
- Apparently “Shark Week” doesn’t translate well to Portuguese
- How fucking sweet?
Chase offered to bring food if I supplied booze. I was expecting a small thing to share. Oh no. He brought a TRAY of lobster paella, these tasty ass Portuguese pudding things, cookies, and Portuguese candy that tasted like Reese’s Stix. Holy. Shit. Wow.
We had a nice chat over dinner where I found out he was previously married and going through a divorce. That sounds bad but really, it was a good talk. He was candid with me and they had good reason to end it. When your wife cheats on you and tells you you’re a piece of shit, there’s a good case to be made.
After killing dessert (and a bottle of wine) we moved to the couch to watch some Netflix. As expected, we didn’t watch all that much. Within minutes he had me in the bedroom and got to work. Once again, he was throwing down some great moves. Up, down, leg here, leg there (and no cum shot to the eye).
He was such a confident and strong person that I loved having sex with him. For the first time in months, I didn’t have to think. He took control while I got to be in the moment. We fucked again in the morning before he went home and it was solidified. We were fuck buddies.
Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Super crowded for brunch. His food wasn’t too flavorful or anything to ride home about but I loved my bacon, egg, and cheese on a croissant.
5.0 Stars – Super affordable, not one of those museums where you feel like a privileged asshole, nice exhibits
Date Duration: 6 hours
Elijah and I were former coworkers with a slight history. Nothing ever happened between us because I had a boyfriend at the time and our company was not one for coworkers to date. That said, I had always felt like there was something between us. Even if it was small. There’s no particular instance to reference but I remember him caring more than he should have about me. He would text me almost daily, we would eat dinner together fairly regularly, had deep conversations, and I did go up to his apartment once to cook him some of my family’s food. (Granted I got weirded out and made some of my other coworkers come over as a buffer.) It all sounds like regular friend stuff but there was something different about the way he would go about it.
He was a really attractive guy and I would joke all the time to my friends about him. “Ohh you know if I was single I’d hit that…“, “UGH. Elijah is so hot…”, “He can get it!” By the time we both left our positions I had moved back to NH to be with my then boyfriend and he moved abroad.
Once in awhile he would slide into my DMs. We would chat a little but no major conversations were had. Then, he let me know that he was coming to NYC and wanted to catch up. OH HOT DAMN. We compared schedules and the day was set.
Going in I had no idea what to expect. Not only was I hung over as shit to the point that life felt like an out of body experience, I looked like a one night stand with my hair from the night before, and I had limited contact with him for the past 3 years. WAS THIS A DATE OR JUST FRIENDS? FUCKKKK.
Elijah strolled up while I was sitting on a curb trying not to puke my brains out. He looked hot AF. We hugged and took our seats for brunch. Since I was trying not to puke I basically was company for Elijah while he ate. We caught up on life and I really had no idea where the day was going to go. At one point he looked up, smiled at me, said “I’m really happy I got to see you”, and touched my leg. A bug was flying close by so I wasn’t sure how to gauge that leg thing. But shit. That smile. DAYUM.
It was such a beautiful day that we met my friend for a walk in the park. She dropped us off at the Brooklyn Museum and we worked our way through the exhibits (and a lot of vagina art).
At one point he made a comment of, “Oh I know what you’ve been up to. I won’t lie. I kind of stalk you on Instagram.” OKAY ELIJAH. We took a few selfies and I felt as if his body was closer to me than normal. But then again he was about 80 feet tall so he probably had to be that close since I was so short. Every time we approached a door, he opened it and guided me through ahead of him with his hand on the small of my back. Then later on he was taking photos but since we had a Facebook chat going my profile picture was pulled as an icon on the side of the screen. He said something along the lines of, “Now every time I take a picture I get to look at your sexy legs.” Maybe this was a date?
We went through a few of the exhibits and high fived. Then instead of letting my hand drop by my side, he held it. OH. SHIT. I WAS ON A DATE. My stomach had butterflies and everything. While staring at an old tv he came up behind me, rested his chin on my shoulder, pressed his face into my neck, and I felt his entire body envelope me. It sounds ridiculous, but it had been awhile since I was touched in such an affectionate way. In a way that didn’t feel transactional or as a step to something else and was so genuine. I was so happy.
We left the museum holding hands and we walked to a park nearby. He had his arm around me on the bench while I ate my sandwich left over from brunch then we just sat there chatting and taking in everything. I had forgotten just how kind and smart he was.
His brother was in Bryant Park and it was about time I dragged my ass back to NJ so we took the train back to Manhattan together. On the way to the train station, we had our arms around each other as we walked and when he would lean in to look at the photos I took with his hand on my back. On the train it continued. We were both holding onto the overhead bars and he pulled me into him before holding my hand again.
We reached our station where we both had change overs. We hugged and the whole time I wondered if he was going to do it. Would we finally kiss? After 5 years of tension, HE FUCKING DID IT. ELIJAH KISSED ME. And oh my goodness it was good. So soft. Right amount of suction. Just enough tongue. Then we went our separate ways.
I knew it would never work between us. He lived abroad, I don’t do long distance, and it was just one day. But it restored my hope in humanity. For so long I had questioned if my standards were too high, I was being too picky, these guys I had been going out with were fine, and I was just looking for a problem. I was so sick of being treated like an after thought and here Elijah was genuinely making me feel like I was the only person who mattered in that moment. I needed to know that still existed and I don’t think he’ll ever know just how much I needed that day with him.
After our night at Iggy’s, Mike and I texted constantly. There was more to him than I originally expected. He wrote a lot of material, had scripts up for Netflix, we had similar music taste, and both had an emo phase.
That week I got absolutely tanked with Rebecca and decided to answer his texts under the influence on the way home.
At the time, I was kinda into him. And I have to admit that it was pretty sweet of him to offer to come to NJ and give my drunk ass Poptarts. But as we kept texting over the weekend, he lost his charm.
I am all for getting drunk. I’m all for getting drunk on a regular basis. But being in your 30s, working part time, and still using funnels to drink beer say a lot about a person. Every single conversation we had was about getting drunk, ways to get drunk, the next time we’d be drunk, etc.
I also found out that his twin was texting Rebecca as well. What got weird was when she told me Mark had screenshotted one of her texts and accidentally sent it back to her rather than Mike. YALL ARE TOO THIRSTY. (Also I don’t want an orgy with Rebecca. We’re friends but no that’s a level of comfort I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for).
When Rebecca and I met up the next weekend we decided that we were both done with our prospective twin. …then we ended up at Iggy’s and ran into them. AWK SAUCE.
Being the smart/sneaky bitches we are, we got the twins to buy us shots and a drink. Then while one was in the bathroom and the other was chatting up a girl we dipped. We ran out of that bar so fucking fast.
I woke up the next morning to a “Where did you guys go?”. Ignored it.
I didn’t hear from him for nearly 2 months after that. The week of Hoboken’s Santacon he slid into my DMs on Instagram asking if Rebecca and I would be there. I left him on read. A month after that he slid into the DMs again after he saw I was watching a Patriots game. Left on read again and haven’t heard from him since.
Name: Mark* and Mike*
Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Bar has karaoke, good music, and drunk people willing to make poor choices. However, the dancing is lackluster.
After our drunken evening at Ziggy’s, I didn’t think I would ever see the twins again. The week after we met, Mike asked if my friend and I were up to anything but I was heading out of state. I figured it would be like that first week of college where you exchange numbers and then never see the person again. But the Upper East Side is weird and you always run into the same people.
Rebecca and I went out for another night of drinking and poor choices. While I was tied up making out with Situation 5.1, she drunkenly wandered to the bar next door with the Situation’s friend.
How did I find this out? Mike texted me saying he saw Rebecca and was wondering if I was far behind. Situation 5.1 and I headed over to Iggy’s and I reunited with Rebecca and the twins. (What was odd was that right after I hugged the twins, both Rebecca and I’s situations left. Weird).
Rebecca found a new guy at Iggy’s which left me to kick it with the twins. We danced and I found out that Mark and Mike have synchronized dance moves. Once 3am rolled around though it was time to head out.
I started walking out of the bar and got a text from Mike asking if I wanted company walking to the train. I agreed and we walked a few blocks to my stop. We made small talk, nothing noteworthy happened. (Except for the most awkward goodbye in history. Like are we hugging? Just saying bye? Am I a bro now? Wtf). Then I checked my phone on the subway platform.
So like that’s pretty cool.
App: Bumble BFF
Date Location: Noche de Margaritas
Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Mediocre. Yes, happy hour margs are $5 but the food is a little pricier and it’s not insanely good. That being said, the portions are decent.
Date Duration: 2-3 hours
After being in NYC for a few months I realized something. Outside of my roommate, I didn’t have any friends. How does one make friends post-college? APPS OF COURSE. Bumble BFF is the “friend” component of the traditional Bumble dating app. When you log in, you have the option to switch to BFF mode or to dating. You’re shown people of the same gender who are also logged into BFF and you swipe as you normally would on a dating app.
No lie, kind of weird. I feel weird judging if I’d be friends with a girl based on her appearance then there’s the aspect of who starts the conversation. When you “Match” with a BFF, both parties have 24 to start the conversation before the match disappears. I barely know what to say to a guy, WTF do I say to a girl to make a friend? This is like a freshman year ice breaker all over again.
I opened with a gif and we went from there. We both love margs and she lives by my work so she picked a Mexican spot in the area. I met her outside, we got the drink orders in, and had an awkward time.
I only say awkward because it felt like a weird interview. I am not there for romantic reasons so that whole piece is taken out which leaves getting to know someone as a person. WEIRD. Jan also grew up in New England and works in a similar field. She was nice, quirky, and laughed at my shitty jokes. But much like regular first dates, I wasn’t 100% sold. That being said, she was nice enough and I wouldn’t mind hanging out again.
But then there’s the follow up piece. When we left the restaurant she left it at, “Let’s keep in touch” but we didn’t exchange numbers. As the person who asked for the friend date, am I now responsible for sending a message? But like if she had a bad time I don’t want to make her feel like she has to hang out again. So should I leave it in her court? WHAT TO DO.
Ultimately I opted for leaving it in her court and we haven’t contacted each other since. I may not have made a friend but I gained a whole new level of understanding when it comes to men. Women are tough to crack.