Encounter #30.1: Leprechaun Pride

App: Tinder

Name: Sam*

Date Location: Blind Tiger

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Despite the fact that the happy hour drinks were cheap, the reviews online were great, and the atmosphere was cool AF; the service was terrible so I only got to have 1 of those cheap happy hour drinks

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

When I saw Sam on tinder, my first thought was, “Damnnnnnn. Imma do some dirty shit to this fucker”. He looked really cute (especially with his shirt off) and gave the vibe that he was a half decent person. Low and behold, he messaged me and we chatted away.

We had a lot in common. Not only did we like the same shows and music but, he was moving to a block from where I worked, grew up in a similar town, did Crossfit,  was looking for a relationship, and had a similar family structure to mine since his oldest sister was gay. HOT DAMN.

I was excited to say the least. The past few dates I had been on weren’t great and it was refreshing to meet someone who shared similar values. After some research online, I picked a bar that was close to my train in case I hated him but once coming up into the city I forgot something very important. It was pride weekend and I just picked a spot in the neighborhood where all the festivities were happening.

After weaving through thousands of people (and apparently walking past Lady Gaga) I beat Sam to the bar. I waited and stared at every guy who walked by hoping he would be my date. Then I saw this shorter guy and though, “Ohh no”. It was Sam. And he looked way better in photos. FUCK. Alright, this may be fine, he wasn’t terrible looking. Then he opened his mouth to introduce himself and he sounded like a leprechaun who huffed helium. Shit.

Overall the date wasn’t terrible. I did have the best grilled cheese of my damn life. But I didn’t feel the connection. The conversation was choppy and there was never a moment where I thought, “Wow, I want to do this again.” Since I’m the worst, we ended up staying out for 4 hours. It wasn’t a bad time, definitely better than sitting on my couch by myself, but nothing to rave about.

He walked me to the train then again to the next train since one station was closed for Pride. It was nice of him and I kind of got the vibe that he was into me more than I was him. We hugged before parting ways and I could tell he had the best body under that t-shirt. DAMN IT WHY WAS HIS VOICE SO ANNOYING. We never spoke again. Back to the drawing board.

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Encounter #29.1: Venmo Me

App: Tinder

Name: Darren*

Date Location: No idea. Our original plan didn’t work out so we went somewhere around the corner

Location Review:  3.0 Stars – The playlist and vibe of the place was awesome but the food was weird. I got a salad and it was the full romaine leaves with cheese on it

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Once a week Tinder will present you with four humans and you get a free super like to use. On occasion, I would take advantage but never had I received a like back.

That was until Darren. I was surprised to say the least. He was clearly more attractive than me, worked in IT so he was smarter, and he messaged me first. Interesting. Within a few messages he asked for my number, we made plans, and didn’t talk until that day. I can dig.

On the day of I texted to check in and see if we were still on. He said yes and we stuck to the plan. I met him at the bar and he looked just as good in person. (As a general note, I was getting over a sinus infection and my antibiotics temporarily left me deaf in one ear.) We walked through to find a spot but it was packed and small talk wasn’t working since I couldn’t hear jack shit. We went back outside, walked a few blocks, and settled on a new spot.

The place was kind of funky. Music was on point and their drink menu was cool. Only thing was that my date was a dick. He was a competitive ballroom dancer and was surprised I knew as much as I did and seemed slightly irked that I had this knowledge without also dancing competitively. My ex competed for years so I was familiar with every dance style, scoring, finding partners, popular competitions in the area, collegiate teams, Latin vs America Rhythm style, random ass ballroom things, and to top it off I danced socially in college. I knew my shit.

One part of knowing my shit is knowing the crowd ballroom dance attracts. You have your really weird people who wear fedoras casually, the technically trained assholes, people who only live and breathe ballroom, normal people, and then there’s this snooty subset that looks down on you no matter if you dance or not. This was Darren.

It wasn’t what he said. It’s how he said it. You could tell he thought he was hot shit. In addition to being a snooty dancer, he was also a snooty improv-er. Kill me.

What really did him in though was that he was no fun to be around in the least. He was tired (fair) but kept bringing it up. I offered to reschedule and he declined but instead bitched about how he was up until 5am that morning and is just so tired. He kept apologizing so I figured we would just do one round of drinks and leave. Fine. Oh no, he ordered food. WUT. If you’re trying to get home why are you ordering shit?

Then the check came. I grabbed my wallet, pulled the card out, started moving my hand to the opposite side of the table, and dropped the card. K. We’re splitting. Fine. But then at the last second he took my card out and said, “It’s easier if we just put it on mine. If it really means that much to you, you can Venmo me.”

UHMMMM.

Then he followed up with, “I just think that if you’re the person who asks for the date you should pay.” WHY DIDN’T YOU OPEN WITH THAT? Or even not say anything and just give me my card back? Bruh if you’re going to pay, don’t make me pull out my card, reach over, and almost knock over all the drinks. Just say, “I got this one” and leave it at that.

We left and he walked with me until he had to turn to get his train. He said we’d have a make up date since he was so tired. I kept his contact info for 3 days, didn’t hear anything, then blocked.

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Encounter #28.1: Deep Throat

App: Hinge

Name: Roberto*

Date Location: Pier 13 and Texas Arizona – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Bomb ass sangria that will get you drunk, beautiful views, and fun atmosphere

3.5 Stars –  Tasty apps, decently priced drinks, near the main strip of bars, and close to the PATH train so you can make an escape

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

Roberto was not what I usually went for. He was clearly into sports, fitness, and shit while I like to lay on my couch with a bottle of wine. But he opened by saying he was a Patriots fan SO WE ALL KNOW HOW I RESPONDED. Plus he answered the question, What if I told you that… on his profile with, “I didn’t know what the “being exclusive” in a relationship was until I moved here. Where I come from if you are dating you are exclusive but ok.” I related so hard. NYC is a shitshow when it comes to dating and it was refreshing to find someone with a similar view.

He was clearly a nice guy. He offered to come to Hoboken since it was closer to me and truly just wanted me to be comfortable. He beat me there and as soon as I found him I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. The “Fuckkk you’re going to want to leave in 5 minutes” feeling. I honestly don’t know what prompted it. I don’t know if it was because his energy level seemed low or that right off the bat we were sitting in silence. I just had a feeling this wasn’t going to work.

Roberto was a slightly interesting guy. He grew up in the Dominican Republic, did engineering, was close to his sisters, and played ultimate Frisbee competitively. (It also helped that he was built like a man. Super tall, broad ass shoulders, more of a bulked up muscular body. I like looking like a tiny human next to a guy so this was welcomed.) That said, we had different values. Once again my family came up and he made a comment that being gay is a choice. UHMMMMMM K. Everyone has an opinion. That one just doesn’t work with me. We finished our beers and he offered to get sangria. So I got drunk and agreed to go with him to another bar so he could get food. Damn it.

We chatted while we waited for food and he tried a PBR for the first time so that was fun to watch. He was clearly much more into me than I was him. He made some comment that he could see himself commuting to NJ for me every week. Slow down buddy, I just met you. Then it happened. We kissed. And really, it started out fine. Then after we took a break he had nothing to say so just kept saying in the most patronizing tone, “Ohh you’re just so cute.” Shut up.

I waited with him in the bar for his train and when it was 10 minutes out he held my hand and we walked outside so I could call my Lyft. We kissed again but this time we made out. Actually, I pretty much ended up deep throating his tongue. No bueno. Like this shit was aggressive. I was dry drowning.

He stood behind me with his arms wrapped around me and kissing my neck while I was on the phone with my Lyft driver. The boy can’t kiss but damn, solid hugs. I got into the car and the next day we texted a few times and I apologized for keeping him out so late. He texted me something along the lines of, “If being tired means hanging out with you late nights, I want to be tired at work more often.”

Yeahhh, we got to end that. Nagasaki’ed.

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Encounter #27.1: Artsy Fartsy

App: Hinge

Name: Morgan*

Date Location: Abba Bar &Grill and some radom ass taco place

Location Review:  2.0 Stars – Despite the fact that the happy hour drinks were cheap, the reviews online were great, and the atmosphere was cool AF; the service was terrible so I only got to have 1 of those cheap happy hour drinks

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Once again, I agreed to a date just on the basis that the guy was a Patriots fan from Massachusetts. Morgan was from a town by where my uncle lived and we had a decent banter leading up to the date so I figured that I had nothing really to lose.

Morgan rolled up to the bar and he was cute. I could bench him and he was artsy fartsy, but he had a really nice face. Things started pretty normal. We went over the classic first date things and then there was a moment where I realized he had been talking nonstop and really didn’t ask me anything. He asked one question on how I learned ventriloquism and that was about it for the time we were at the bar.

I instead found out all about acting school, film school, his former roommates, his depression, personality quirks, oh and that he’s still not over the fact a girl from high school “cheated” on him. (She did shitty stuff but it didn’t seem to me that they were actually dating and it happened right at the beginning of whatever their situation was.)

I wanted to go home but he asked if I wanted pizza. Fuck. You got me. We ended up going to a Mexican place instead and split some nachos. When we were there I asked him what his online dating experience was like. It wasn’t good. He said that he pretty much swiped right on every girl on tinder, gets ghosted a lot, and had no idea why. HONEY. You unleash everything in the first 10 minutes and don’t show interest in the other person. Makes complete sense to me.

He did walk me to the train which was nice and for once I got out of a date without a make out. We hugged, I got on the train, umatched, and blocked.

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Encounter #26.1: Not. Fine.

App: Hinge

Name: Randall*

Date Location: Mr. Purple

Location Review:  2.0 Stars – Overrated AF. The view is fantastic but it will cost over $30 for 2 drinks.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Randall and I didn’t talk too too much leading up to the date (may have convinced him to quit his job though) but he seemed pretty normal for the most part. He did ask pretty early on why I was on Hinge and how long I had been single but he also said he wasn’t one for small talk so I let it go. He would have found out one way or another.

After some back and forth, he settled on a spot. First we were going to Mr. Purple, then he wanted me to go with him to his company happy hour (weird), then he quit his job so he thought it would be weird to go (but not weird to bring a first date), so we decided on Mr. Purple…again.

This place was bougie and overrated AF. I had tried going the week prior but the line was fucking ridiculous. It was one of those spots that you should really only go to for one drink and an Instagram photo. Aside from the view, there was not much else going on. The drinks were expensive and it didn’t seem like it could easily flip to give room for dancing. So you just drink and soak up your rich friend’s awesomeness or whatever.

He was attractive. In shape, nice eyes, muscular. But then he opened his mouth and I wanted to kill him. Off the bat he asked me what my deal breakers were. I said if someone doesn’t share the same political views. I explained that I come from a more “modern family”, I’m liberal AF, and it would be difficult to bring someone in to my life who doesn’t agree with my values. He then went on to say that being gay is a choice, he chose to be straight because he is acting on his own desires, but then back tracked to say that being gay is totally fine and people can’t help it. K.

Then he went on a long ass tangent on guns that made no damn sense, said he didn’t agree with Black Lives Matter, Obama wasn’t that great, and Trump “isn’t that bad”. It’s not necessarily wrong to have these views but, don’t try to tell me you’re on the same page as me politically and then come up with all that.

He also thought he was much smarter/more important than he was. Because he was in the navy, he started college a little later. He said his professors were astounded that he knew about the recession and all this other stuff because he was 24 taking classes. Really? Calm yourself. I’m sure they weren’t all that amazed and it wasn’t that big a deal. I’m 2 years younger than you and I also know about that shit. YOU AINT SPECIAL.

Randall made it clear that he was looking for something serious and wanted to settle down. Thing is I didn’t think he knew what that meant. He said he knew what it took to be a great boyfriend. Uhmmm, he only had one major relationship which lasted 5 months. He also made some comment like, “You seem like you’re looking for something serious. I feel like you make a good girlfriend.” YA. I was only in a relationship for 6 years and 4 of those years were long distance, I’ve been single awhile, and have dated every asshole in a 10-mile radius. I’m not new to this rodeo.

Every time Randall spoke it reminded me of a boy who wanted so badly to be a man if that makes sense. He wanted to seem so suave, confident, and worldly but really he was a boy spitting out hot air. We talked about “the window” when you’re on a date. Like the moment you kiss. He asked how I knew if there was a window or not and I said something like, “If you have to wonder if the window is open or if you missed it, it probably wasn’t open in the first place. When you’re vibing with someone you just know when the moment is right and you don’t have to think.” He then grilled me on if he had missed his window with me. At this point, I just wanted to fuck with him and said that he had a clear shot earlier when we were standing outside. (It was sunset, slight breeze, he may have been annoying but it was romantic.)

He was bothered that I wasn’t 100% into him and then tried to make it SO CLEAR he was into me. He pulled my chair to be closer to him, put his hand on my knee, held my hand, put his arm on my chair with his hand on the back of my neck, and then we kissed. He was a good kisser, but then he would talk and it would be all over.

Randall and I covered sex that night. He was apparently “very good” because he could move his hips separately from the rest of his body, his oral game was strong, had a body count over 60, and he (allegedly) had a 9 inch dick. Thank you. Needed all that on the first date. Oh, and I forgot to mention that HE DOESNT USE CONDOMS AND LIKES TO FINISH INSIDE A GIRL. Okay, just asking to get a girl pregnant. He felt like you only use a condom with a girl you’re not serious with. No. No. No. I brought up that for me it’s non-negotiable. Pregnancy and STDs are a thing and my life has been pretty great so far without either.

The clincher for Randall was in our last hour or so together. We kissed already. Fine it happened. Then he started planning our lives together. He wanted to be “a power couple like Jay-Z and Beyonce” and maybe one day he could meet my parents. He could show me the world of rooftop bars, little black dresses, and fine dining while I would show him the world of dive bars and farming. (No joke. That was said.) He went to the bathroom and asked if I’d come with him. No? I don’t want to hook up in a public bathroom with you. When he got back we kissed again but he got more aggressive. He grabbed my ass (fine), started feeling me up and commented that he could feel that I was wearing nice underwear (less fine), slid his hands under my dress to continue to feel up my ass (not so fine), then smacked my ass. NOT. FINE.

It was time for me to go. He asked how I was getting home. I said that I was taking the PATH train back home. By myself. And he would take his train back home to his place. By himself. Randall said he “wouldn’t expect anything less”. He then threw in that he was going to stay because a friend was meeting him but not to worry, he wouldn’t talk to any girls. I mean I was leaving to get drunk and try to make out with more boys. But whatever helps you sleep at night, Randall.

Within 5 minutes of leaving he sent a text saying “I had a great time tonight!” I left him on read. The next day I figured it was time to send “the text”. I unmatched him on Hinge, crafted my message, sent it, then immediately blocked him. He had read receipts on. Motherfucker saw that text IMMEDIATELY after I sent it. He had an iPhone so there was always the possibility a message would come through on iMessage on my laptop. Fortunately, the coast was clear and I was reminded to block THEN text.

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TBT: Done Fucked Up

App: Tinder

Name: Ray*

Date Location: Midfield Cafe – Nashua, NH

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – It’s a diner. Food is cheap. There’s bacon.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

To start, let’s put it on record that I am a moron. Good? Great.

During this particular period of my life, I was stressed AF. I had been working 9 years on a goal and in 3 weeks I was going to find out if I would achieve it or not. (Spoiler, I didn’t.) On top of that, I was still salty about the whole Connor thing and was leaning towards moving to NYC in the coming weeks. Lots of shit happening.

When Ray and I connected, I had about half a brain cell left but for whatever reason this fucker was interested in my ditzy ass. He asked for my snapchat and my number so we were snapping consistently but for whatever reason still messaging on the app. My dumb ass had typed the number wrong. Awk.

We made plans to go out, I picked my favorite spot, but it started to snow. I thought I had said that we would go out the next night. I didn’t. He went to the bar that night. DAMN IT LAURA.

We decided to meet the next morning for breakfast at a diner by him. I got up early that morning, shoveled my car out of a foot of snow, enlisted a friend to help push my car out of the driveway, and somehow made it. This was going to be a story for the ages. This was how I would meet the father of my children.

That didn’t happen. Ray was probably the most boring person I ever met. Despite being from Alaska, he had nothing to say about it. Everything was “okay”. He played volleyball at school. What did Ray have to say? “It’s fun.” K.

He was graduating college in a few weeks and at this point I kind of knew deep down that I was going to be moving. Before I could send “the text” he had sent me a message that he had such a good time, even if it didn’t look like it because he was so nervous to be around “such a beautiful woman”. Shit. Damn it. I was about to be an asshole.

I sent “the text” but this one I went a little off script. I said something along the lines of, “Thank you so much I had a great time but truth be told I just don’t have the time to be dating right now and I still have some things to work out with my ex.” The ex was a new addition. I expected no response. I instead got a really nice text back saying something like, “I understand. I’m graduating soon so I’m also busy but if you ever want to hang out, even as friends let me know.”

Thanks Ray. It was real.

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Encounter #25.1: Or Something

App: Tinder

Name: Maxwell*

Date Location: The Jeffrey

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Tight space but has a ton of craft beer options including cider and has a cozy vibe.

Date Duration: 3.5 hours

What Happened:

Going in, I had no idea if Maxwell was attractive. His Tinder profile wasn’t completely indicative and based on the one clear photo there was, he looked like a 35-year old trapped in a 24-year old’s body. At this point in my dating life, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go out with guys I normally wouldn’t talk to. Clearly whatever the fuck I was doing before wasn’t quite working so why not change it up.

I beat him to the bar and anxiously awaited for his arrival. Was he the really hot guy who was walking my way? No. Was he the really creepy guy who just made eye contact with me? No. He rolled up to the table and I immediately thought, “Meh. Could do a lot worse.” But he did look better than his photos so that was a win in itself.

Talking to him was so fucking easy. I don’t know if he was faking interest in what I had to say or what but he was fucking great at it if he was. We went back and forth and it didn’t feel one sided or that I was carrying the team on my back.

Maxwell had his shit together for a 24-year old. He did accounting for a real estate company and had his own place in a nice area. Aside from that he was a craft beer fanatic, would try to go to one concert a year, NY sports fan, Italian, and was close to his younger sister.

Here’s the thing. I didn’t think I could be attracted to him physically. He had his moments. His voice wasn’t bad (he sounded like my friend’s boyfriend which was a little weird.) But it just wasn’t there for me.

That in mind, he walked me to my train stop and we ended up kissing. It was good. Pretty solid. But not good enough to seal the deal.

Despite that, I felt like I kept knocking people out too early. Maybe if I gave this guy a second chance it could work. I clearly vibed with him so what would the harm be in going out with him one more time to be sure?

Apparently more than I thought. We established a date and in the planning, things took a turn.

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DAMN IT. HE WANTED TO SMASH, I DIDN’T FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE, AND I WAS PLANNING ON ENDING IT AFTER THE SECOND DATE. FUCKKK. Okay, I could turn this around.

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…nope. In all fairness this was not a lie. The two days after I sent the text I had to stay home from work for a throat infection. Oh. Well.

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Encounter #23.1: Nice Boy

Name: Aaron*

Date Location: Quality Greens Kitchen

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Super healthy and tasty. A cross between HoneyGrow and Chipotle. Wish there was booze.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Aaron was physically out of my league. By a lot. So I was shocked when he messaged first on Hinge. He asked to meet up in Hoboken to walk along the water front. I got there first so I was just dicking around on my phone texting friends in our group chat. I then done fucked it up.

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Womp. To combat this issue, I changed his name in my phone to:

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Well, he still agreed to hang out with me. I walked up to him and he was SO FINE but it felt like I already made him uncomfortable. (I mean I kinda did).

But his voice was so stiff and monotone I really thought it was all over.  I later realized that that was really his voice. We walked along the pier and he seemed to get more comfortable. We sat down and somehow within 15/20 minutes he asked if he could kiss me and we made out…for several minutes. It wasn’t too bad. The only thing was that his breath was kind of oniony and he wouldn’t let up. I love PDA, don’t get me wrong. But it was not dark enough outside to be doing that shit plus we were in an area where people take photos since the skyline is right there.

We stopped making out long enough for him to offer up dinner. We walked to the restaurant holding hands (his were so fucking dry. He needed some serious lotion). During this 7-minute walk I really started to hate him. He kept bringing up how he hated his hometown and that he was a health nut. Like no ice cream, no pizza, no fun health nut. Then by the time we got to the restaurant I learned he was bullied in high school, had body image issues, and neither were resolved.

We ate and kept chatting. Anytime he said anything, he sounded like a child. He wouldn’t curse so he used these odd made up words in their place. He also dropped the bomb that he didn’t drink. FUCK. I asked why and he said it’s because his aunt choked on her own vomit while drinking…and doing heroin and crack. I’m not a doctor, but I think the heroin and crack were  the bigger issue.

Despite not drinking, he had been in more bar fights than you’d expect. As these stories went on it seemed like his friends weren’t really his friends and either kept him around for some personal gain or because they felt obligated. Either way, these guys he hung around with sucked.

After dinner we went back to the pier. He started to kiss me again and I just wanted it to stop. I was annoyed by him and I hated how he kept making out with me nonstop. I said something along the lines of, “I get really embarrassed by PDA” (total lie) to make it end. I really wanted to get to know him to see if I was a dick or if he really was that annoying to me. Instead, we went behind a piece of playground equipment and it just kept happening and it was getting worse. His nose poked my eye.

Somehow I got him to stop sucking my bottom lip off long enough to ask him what his worst date was. He said that a girl looked really in shape in her pics and then showed up not looking like them. WOW AARON. I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU. Meanwhile I’ve fucked a dude with no electricity, was blown off for a nap, and had a guy ditch after 7 minutes. BUT YES AARON THAT DATE WAS TERRIBLE.

I was ready to call it a night and despite his offer to drive me home, I called a Lyft. He texted me that night saying he had a good time and all that shit. The next day, I had a gala for work so I was working all night. He texted me at some point wishing me luck but I was busy so I ignored it. Three days later he texted me again asking how the event went. I had just gotten home from a weekend away so I ignored it and decided I would text him later to break it off.

He called me and left a fucking voicemail.

Fuck. This guy was nice. So nice. But also wayyyy more into me than I was into him. As much as I wanted to ghost, it was too late. I had to nagasaki him.

I blocked, unmatched, then sent the text out. He had an iPhone so despite being blocked his message came through on my laptop. He seemed to take it well even though I was the biggest cunt in history. I only made out with him and gave every indication I was interested. Great work, Laura.

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Encounter #17.1: Hollywood

App: Hinge

Name: Todd*

Date Location: Mustang Harry’s & Bar 13

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Awesome apps, kick ass happy hour, most delightful owner

2.5 Stars – Thank god the lights were off because it’s literally someone’s basement. Don’t blacklight anything. FIRE playlist though

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

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Oh hey, Luke Perry

I’m just going to say it. I “Liked” Todd because he looked like the guy from 90210 and I wanted to see just how much he looked like him. That was our starting point.

Leading up, we really didn’t talk. Actually the night of our original chat ended when he said he needed to do stuff for work so I should just shoot him a message when I got back from my weekend trip. Ballsy.

In my inifinite wisdom I took it like a challenge and honestly, I was kinda impressed. Instead of ghosting he just said he was busy and wouldn’t answer. (The fact this was my barometer for a decent guy says a lot).

Within only a few messages he asked me out for drinks and had me pick the bar. After a previously unsuccessful trip at Mustang Harry’s, I wanted to try it out.

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He can teach me any time

I met him at a table which was unexpected but welcome because that meant a solid possibility of food. Todd was a really good time. No lags in conversation, kept telling me I was pretty and how great I was, and he seemed to have his shit together. To top it off, he had a decent job in construction management, was Italian, loved Pitbull, lived alone, was also getting into country music, wanted to do touristy NY shit, had a close family, grew up in NY, and looked like Will Schuester in the right light (surprisingly not like Luke Perry as an FYI).

We were having such good conversation and the topic of bachata came up. He had no idea how to do it and I had always wanted to go. With no hesitation he pulled his phone out, asked if I wanted to go that night, and found a spot. Holy. Shit.

We had time to kill before the club opened so we stayed at the first bar for awhile. Out of nowhere the manager came up to us, started talking, and we got free drinks. It was at this point I realized that I was more sober than Todd. I had only 2 beers and maybe half of my next drink. He had 2 shots, 2 beers, 1 mixed drink, and he finished mine. This is after he said he didn’t drink heavily that often. Oh Todd, you were hanging out with Laura. You will be drunk.

After we finished our last round we moved to the Latin club to get our bachata on. Everything was pretty good until we got to the club. I will be the first to say that I have no patience for other people especially when it comes to dumb questions. The club had a sign hanging from the awning that had the business name. When we got there the bouncer explained that downstairs was the Latin spot and upstairs was hip hop. Todd pointed to the sign and said “What’s this then?” It annoyed me so much for no reason. Then I realized it wasn’t the question that bothered me in this case. It was how he said it. He sounded exactly like my ex. Then as I thought about it, he had other similar tendencies which reminded me of the ex. The way he talked to the manager, how he talked about me, the other questions he asked. I couldn’t unsee it and I was incredibly annoyed on the inside.

But we were at the club and I couldn’t dip from just being “annoyed”. We ultimately headed to the hip hop club and entered a room which should never have the lights turned on let alone have a blacklight on it. No joke, it looked like a high school kid’s dream basement.

Since Todd reminded me of my ex I needed beer. STAT. So I downed 2 Coronas and somehow convinced him to also down 2 despite him already being quite drunk. Ohhh well.

We took on the dance floor and by took on I mean I was breaking shit down while he kinda stood there doing a slight straight-guy-shuffle. Every now and there I’d check in on him and we started getting pretty touchy. But not in a gross way. Actually, he was really sweet. He would pull me in, have his hand on my lower back, pull me close to talk, and keep his arm behind me as we stood at the bar. It may not seem like anything noteworthy, but it had been awhile since someone touched me in such a tender and respectful way. (Once again, these standards say a lot).

It had been a long day, Todd was sloshed, so it was time to head out. When we reached the corner to part ways, we kissed (in front of a food cart with the guy staring right at us).

We texted a few times over the weekend but when it came to setting another date, our schedules just weren’t lining up. He had to work late all week and I was heading home to see my sister that weekend. Throughout that entire time span, not one text from him. And really, I had no complaints about it. We shared a fantastic night but once again I wasn’t 100% down, I didn’t want to string him along, and I didn’t want to have another awkward fuck.

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Encounter #15.1: Trivia Master

App: Tinder

Name: Taylor*

Date Location: House of Que

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Really cool bartender, decent trivia, and the food looked bomb AF

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Taylor was not what I would go for. His hair was light, he was 5’7″, military, and his last pic was him shirtless with his hand very close to some girl’s ass. That being said, his first pic involved a WWE style belt so I had some questions.

Also had the best opener/height related conversation in the history of Tinder

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He asked me out while I was out of the country so when I got back I volleyed the offer. He accepted and we went out. THAT NIGHT. (I did have time to change my pants before heading out. If you wear tight pants on a date, it means you care).

He picked a place in Hoboken with trivia. Truth be told, I suck at trivia. Unless it has to do with pageantry, Boston, or really vague 90’s references I’m pretty much useless. We won that night.

Between questions and drinks, I really started digging this guy. Was he short? Yeah. But meanwhile he had a fantasy football podcast, was ex-military, worked in aviation, loved The Simpsons, and was working on his MBA. HOT DAMN.

The whole time I didn’t know where I stood. I was having a halfway decent time but I was also the one who was guiding the conversation so I had no idea if he was just being nice or was genuinely enjoying himself.

Once the bar started closing down we put in the calls for our respective Lyfts and stood in the foyer to wait. Taylor turned to me and said, “I had a really good time tonight. We should definitely do this again. I need to send you my number”. OKAY IF YOU INSIST.

We hugged and then he said, “You know, you’re really not that much taller than me”. And then he went in for the kiss and it was good. To the point I wanted to make out with him but deemed it inappropriate since it was only the first date.

We texted here and there, I may have been trashed for some of it, but we set a second date.

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