Encounter #77.1: Landscaper

App: Tinder

Name: Ethan*

Date Location: Portsmouth Gaslight Company – Portsmouth, NH

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Always good food and a good time

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

As soon as we matched on Tinder, Ethan just seemed so fucking fun. He was very high energy and it didn’t take long for him to ask me out. Only problem was I was going to be on vacation for a week so it was going to be a minute until we could see each other.

He kept up with texting me and all that in the week leading up and conversation over text was good. Nothing too spicy, always asked how my day was, and we would dick around here and there. As we got closer to the date it did seem like he was legitimately planning something so that was nice.

Going in, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. He looked shorter in his pics but he did look cute. (He also did look a touch fratty but it was confirmed that he did not do the Greek life back in the day.) He was definitely into sports and shit so that’s always a toss up. Was he a bro or did he just like bro things?

He beat me to the restaurant and I was pleasantly surprised that when he stood up he was taller than me. Ka. Chow. He was also cuter in person. He had really big eyes, dark hair, and some full lips that I thoroughly planned on making out with later.

Conversation overall was decent. There were a few silences but nothing all that concerning. He seemed to have a decent head on his shoulders. He worked full time as a landscaper and had a good relationship with his mom. All in all not bad.

I was just so excited he fed me that when he asked if I wanted to keep hanging and get a drink on the water I was dumbfounded. WTF is this? A guy wanting to take me out like a person? Weird. But that’s on my NYC trauma.

We just kept chatting away and when we finished he still wanted to hang out so we walked to a park that was on the water. We stood at the water’s edge and I kept making the eyes. There would be small breaks in conversation and I was just WAITING for him to make the move. I suggested we park our asses on the bench behind us and he immediately put his arm around me. Good, good. This is progress.

Within moments we kissed and it was fucking good. Like full make out for minutes straight off that first move. If we weren’t in a public park, things definitely would have happened. I may have given an over the pants hand job and he definitely got all up in my chest. Wasn’t mad.

He did ask me to go home with him which I declined and he was cool about. Tbh, that just made him hotter since he passed the Gobstopper Test. We spent the rest of the night chatting, making out, and trying to avoid anyone seeing us sucking major face.

We covered quite the ground between make outs. To start, our strip club experiences. Then we went into art and how we like to buy when we travel. Then it came out that I wear gps tracking jewelry when I go out in case shit goes haywire and I need to let my friends know. And we rounded it out with if he’s an ass or tits guy to which he responded, “Tits are AIDS”.

It was late and he walked me back to my car holding my hand the whole way. I then fucking embarrassed myself because it took me an oddly long time to find my damn car. Once we found it we made out more and I was on my way. To my surprise, he texted me that night saying he had fun and then asked to see me again. Not too shabby.

Encounter #73.1: Home Team

App: Tinder

Name: Owen*

Date Location: Thirsty Moose Taphouse & McGarvey’s – Manchester, NH

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – I like Thirsty Moose for just getting a beer since they have so many options but it’s nothing too too special

5.0 Stars – As someone with no taste or class, I fucking love McGarvey’s. You never leave without a story.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

I have come to find out I have a type and apparently it’s people I know from home who graduated in the class before me. We all have our things…mine is just niche AF.

One night while swiping on ye olde Tinder, I came across Owen. I had seen him on Tinder before during one of the 1000 times I was single back home and I always swiped right. Did I ever have a conversation with him in high school? No. Did I remember I thought he was hot and had a nice family? Yes. Fuck it, I got no shame. After years of failed swipe attempts, we matched.

The lead up to this date took some time. We actually matched on Bumble as well so I sent him the “Ah so we meet again, Catwoman” gif to which he never responded. This did prompt him to reignite our convo on Tinder where he told me he couldn’t place me when we matched on Bumble. I mean I thought it was a good gif and our initial convo on Tinder was fairly memorable BUT I GUESS NOT.

We were chit chatting on the app and eventually the “Where are you from?” convo happened. I played dumb as shit. “Oh you’re from where? When did you graduate? Oh that’s why I don’t know you. Small world!” It was a lie. I knew exactly who this kid was.

After much anticipation (mostly on my part) we agreed on drinks. Actually the day of the date he ended up friending me on Facebook so you know my ass panicked about this smut so I put him, and anyone I thought he was friends with, on a restricted friends list. Did not want this shit coming up off that bat. Although at first it was a little creepy that he found my Facebook, he did clarify that Tinder wasn’t working and all he searched was my first name and where I went to college. A little murdery but fuck it. I asked that if he was going to kill me to just make sure I wasn’t found for a few days so I’d look thinner.

He beat me to the bar and once I saw him he looked different from how I remembered him but also exactly the same. The face and build was the same but now he had a whole sleeve of tattoos which I just didn’t expect. Wasn’t mad about it though. Shit looked good on him.

We took a spot at the bar and got to chatting. The upside to being from the same hometown was that we had a lot to talk about. We knew the same people but also were in very different crowds so we got to fill in the details on those different high school experiences.

The downside of being from the same hometown was also that we knew the same people. I forget how it came up but he worked at the same restaurant my high school boyfriend’s family worked at so we may have spent 15 minutes talking about how much we loved my ex’s mom. Later on, it became pretty clear that his close friends are also friends with another ex I have from my hometown. So that fun little detail of who I dated came out. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Fortunately, Owen was cool about it and didn’t seem weirded out. We did talk about how much we loved that guy’s mom too though. (I didn’t mention the third one from his graduating class I dated. Figured we covered enough of my townie dating life for one night).

Owen was cool as shit though. He was very smart which also made him witty as hell and my flavor of funny. From what I could tell, he had a fairly normal home life and only said nice things about his family. It seemed like he was close with his siblings and that they genuinely enjoyed spending time together. I still don’t quite understand what he did for work but it appeared to provide stable income so that’s always nice to see.

As usual, I couldn’t tell whatsoever if he liked me or not. At one point his knee touched mine. I pulled mine away for a bit then put it back so we were touching again. He didn’t pull away. Interesting. The bar closed earlier than we expected so he asked if I wanted to go back to his place for a drink or go somewhere else. It was at that moment I began to think he may have been into me.

I was trying this new thing where I wasn’t being a whore (shocker), so we went to another bar a few blocks down. We grabbed a table and we just kept dicking around and chatting it up. I made some comment about how I should have tried to get more free drinks when I was in my prime. He came back with, “What do you mean in your prime? You’re in your prime now. No, seriously. You’re very beautiful. Don’t sell yourself short.” <Insert wide-eyed emoji> It was such a nice and kind compliment especially considering that we walked over in the rain so I kinda looked like a sewer rat. But truthfully, I hadn’t heard the words “You’re beautiful” in years or possibly ever from a man. It’s always “You’re cute” or “You look hot” and in that moment I felt like a person and not just a sex object for once. Take note, boys. Words count.

We closed that bar down too so it was time to head home. (This was after a man with face tattoos attempted to talk to me through Owen and then a fight between face tattoos and some rando almost broke out behind us while we were closing out). He offered to drive me the 1 block to my car but I declined since it was such a short walk. (Looking back, I was being an idiot and I should have gotten into the damn car). He then asked if he could get my number. We pulled to the side and he dropped his digits in my phone. I kept staring him down. I had fun, had downed 5 beers, and there were no face masks. Your girl was ready. We hugged. And then I kept staring him down again and we were both stalling. I felt it. He was doing it too. Nothing.

We texted that night when I got home and the next morning he asked me out again a few days later. I didn’t know what to expect from Owen but, I had a genuinely nice time. There was chemistry but not in the toxic, intense way I was used to and I was so curious to see how it would pan out.

Encounter #72.1: Mr. Brown

App: Tinder

Name: Stanley*

Date Location: River Bar – Somerville, MA

Location Review:  4 Stars – We just drank so not sure how it is food wise. Was close to a parking lot and faced water so that was really nice.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

After the trauma of a date the night before, I needed a win. Stanley came off very high energy and fun based on his profile alone and looked like Sterling K. Brown so I was down for whatever. He asked me out for drinks and took the time to find a place with parking so that only got him extra points.

When he walked up, he looked just like his photos and really did look like Sterling. It was wild. I had just come from a baby shower so I was a bit more dressed up than usual. He gave me a hug and immediately went in with, “Damn, look at you! Baby isn’t even born yet and you already stunting on that kid.” I was sold. This was going to be a fun date.

Talking to Stanley was freaky easy. We both love to just shoot the shit so there weren’t any awkward pauses. From what I could tell, he had his shit relatively together. Because of COVID, he had to move back in with his family but he signed on a lease and was moving out by the end of the summer. Stanley went to Boston University and was also a former RA so we had plenty to talk about there and he also worked in marketing. Just endless things to cover.

We were there quite awhile and I wasn’t sure if he was into me or not. Yes, conversation was there but we’re both bullshit artists. Was he just talking to talk, or was there something more?

At one point he reached across the table and tapped my hand while he was talking. Okay, promising. I pushed my hand a little closer towards him and he took the bait. Hand was held. Houston, the ship has landed. Apparently we looked cute together because the waitress kept stopping by and going “Ugh, you guys are so beautiful!” and shit like that.

It was getting late so Stanley held my hand and walked me back to my car. I thought he was going to go for the kiss but instead we had an oddly long hug. When we broke apart he asked if he could kiss me. It was alright. I was coming off the Air Man from a few weeks earlier so in comparison, it just didn’t have that same magic.

We texted here and there in the weeks after but with it being summer, neither one of us was ever free and the spark died naturally.

Encounter #71.1: Guns Blazing

App: Bumble

Name: Ryker*

Date Location: Tiki Rock – Boston, MA

Location Review:  5 Stars – For being a theme bar, this place is pretty damn good. Drinks packed a punch and food was tasty.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Going in to this date, I was excited. Conversation with Ryker was easy on both the app and text. Also his resume going in was pretty impressive. He was a Master Electrician (hello 6-figure salary and ability to fix shit), owned his own home, had a Burmese Mountain Dog, and was just down for fucking anything. Like really, he suggested a ton of shit for our first date and it was all super fun stuff. Also, he made me a quick playlist and his taste perfectly aligned with mine. Life was good.

He suggested going down to Boston and offered to pick me up and drive me down. Although I appreciated the sentiment, I didn’t want to get murdered. We decided to park in East Boston and then meet take the T to the bar.

This is not a huge deal for me. I take public transit all the time. It was though for him. He revealed in the first 10 minutes of meeting that not only has he never been on a plane, he has never taken public transit. This is weird AF to me. You may be thinking, “But Laura, what if he’s from bum fuck nowhere?” He wasn’t. This kid grew up 20 minutes north of Boston. Super weird. He also went on to say that he grew up extremely sheltered and then kept skirting questions about his family. Interesting.

We got to the bar and he insisted on us actually eating which was super refreshing. I got wined and dined. Drinks, apps, entree, whole thing. Over dinner, the red flags began to pop up. He told me about his job and may have included too many stories about him cussing out his employees. Then there were stories of him telling his friends to fuck off. Kayyyyyy.

I forget what we were talking about but he said, “I don’t like rules. That’s why when Biden got elected I went out and bought a bunch of guns so he couldn’t take them away.”…HOKAY. Lots to unpack here. I get that not everyone agrees with my views on this but, I am not a gun person in general but I know that some people are and that’s fine. However, buying a gun because Joe Biden is going to take it from you is just not a reason I can entertain.

I said something to the effect of, “Ohhh okay. Just so you know I’m liberal AF”. To which he replied, “I’m sorry. This is why I don’t like talking politics. I don’t want to do anything to lose you.” Oh this just got 50 shades weirder. Honey, you don’t even remotely have me. Slow your roll. We’re 40 minutes into our first date.

At this point in time, the City of Boston had a policy that you could only stay at a restaurant table for a maximum of 90 minutes. So please keep in mind at this point in time, I had downed easily 4-5 in under 2 hours.

We left the restaurant and since we were so close to the waterfront decided to walk over and chill on a bench. In the 2-block walk over, several things happened.

  1. He held my hand.
  2. He licked my hand
  3. He said, “Shit. Now you’re going to go home and tell your friends that some guy licked your hand”
  4. I thought to myself, “I am definitely going to go home and tell my friends a guy licked my hand”
  5. We were talking about ventriloquism and how not even an ex I dated over a year had seen the tapes. He then asked how big his dick was. Not sure how those two items were correlated, but it happened.

At this point, I was so happy I was drunk because I have no idea wtf I would have done sober. I imagine the date would have ended much sooner.

We made it to a bench and he thought it was a good idea to lay on me. Just no. We were talking about my job search and moving plans and I said that I wanted to move to Boston. He then asked if he’d have to sell his house. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, RYKER. SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL PROBLEM. Also, I DON’T KNOW YOU.

He kept pressing me on why I wanted to move back and I explained that someone close to me had been raped and I was needed back in the northeast. He then asked if she was drinking when it happened. Excuse me? Then he asked if I had been raped. Double excuse me? On what fucking planet is that an appropriate question to ask? To top it off during this period of time, he kept going on and on about how he wanted to find his forever person and get married. I imagine if you stopped asking women if they’ve been raped and licking their hands, your odds would be much better. But I digress.

We sobered up and got back on the train to get to our cars. Now I don’t know what fucking possessed me but, since it was clear he hadn’t seen shit in his life we walked a little bit in East Boston since you get the best view of the Boston skyline. Once again, he started asking me highly personal questions this time about my last relationship. I mentioned that it was really hard for me because as an anxious person who really needs physical touch, it sucked that my ex never wanted that type of affection which would just make my anxiety worse. Ryker went, “Really? I don’t see that from you. You seem to hate being touched.” Nope. Just by you, my dude.

At this point I figured since he had asked me so many personal questions, it was my turn to prod for funnies. I asked what happened in his last relationship and he really didn’t want to answer. I pushed again. “Well, aren’t I just going to find out eventually?” Check mate.

He started by saying that he really doesn’t like telling women this because then they don’t want to talk to him anymore. Off to a great start. From what I gathered, it seemed like the relationship he had with his ex was toxic in general. He said she would hit him and, “I would never put my hands on a woman but plates were broken.” Jury is out on that one but that paired with the cussing out of friends and employees was the nail in the coffin.

Whatever happened with this girl has bled into other relationships. He was dating someone else for a bit, the ex reached out to this girl to tell her about Ryker, and then that girl broke it off with him. He made a point to say he wouldn’t tell me the ex’s name because once that comes out these things start happening. Feeling V SAFE, rn.

He walked me back to my car and we hugged good bye. By the time I got home I got the text asking how he did and if I wanted to see him again. I felt bad. On paper, the resume was there, the guy clearly wanted to meet that special someone, and he was willing to do anything to get that. But it was a no from me. Nagasaki’ed.

Encounter #70.1: Turkish Delight

App: Tinder

Name: Hugo*

Date Location: Hops N Scotch – Brookline, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Food was really tasty and the menu had a lot of fun stuff. Cocktails were also good and atmosphere was warm.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Hugo got through on a “How Hot Can I Bag” technicality. His photos were promising but I will say lower res. Once he opened with the lyrics to County Roads I let him slide.

Going in, things were pretty good conversation wise. He grew up on the Greek/Turkish coast and was very career motivated. He seemed to like what he did for work, was good at it, and was looking to buy a house in the next year or so. Love an established king.

He was quick to make plans which was much appreciated. He beat me to the bar so I got a good look at him as I walked up the block. Not exactly what I expected not gonna lie. Not bad but, thought he’d wear something besides a hoodie and sneakers. Also looked like one of my friend’s dads. Weird vibes.

The conversation was fine overall. He asked a lot of questions about me which was a nice change for once. He did tell me questionable stories though. Got a lot of stories about being angry, calling friends out, that kind of thing. In that same breath he also apologized for literally ANYTHING. We got boneless wings and while he bit into one, a drop of sauce fell on his jeans. Not a huge deal. He was low key freaking out and kept laying on how sorry he was. No idea what his last relationship was like but, that’s not my vibe at all.

It was raining and I had an hour drive ahead of me to get home so we called it a night. He walked me to my car and in the walk over it was very clear that he was way more into me than I was him. He kept touching me and I was so happy I was wearing a face mask because I did not want to have that awkward good bye kiss situation.

We got to the car and I saw that he wanted to do it. He kept bringing up how much fun he had and I recognized the look in his eyes. Mama wasn’t having it. Gave an awkward hug and did not remove the face mask until I was in the car with the door shut and locked. Honestly, best fucking part of the face mask area. Gets you out of so many uncomfortable interactions with men.

We texted for a day or two after since I was on the fence on if I really didn’t like him. He slipped a few stories that further cemented the anger thing and I Nagasaki’ed the guy.

Encounter #65.1: Hallmark Movie

App: Tinder

Name: Rich*

Date Location: Nature Preserve – New Hampshire

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 9 hours

What Happened:

Since I was home during COVID with nothing better to do, I found myself swiping on Tinder quite a bit. Nearly every time I swiped through I would see Rich come up. I didn’t know how but I knew him. He looked so fucking familiar! I screenshotted his profile and sent it to friends and they said the same thing too but no one could figure it out. After awhile I was just so fucking curious so I swiped right so I could get to the bottom of it. We matched. Mission was on.

We started chatting and it turned out we went to high school together but he graduated the year before me. Still had no fucking clue who he was so I had to keep talking to get that damn last name.

He was really cool. Like way cooler than I was expecting for a match that started as a way to get a last name. Also really fucking funny and had a soft spot for the same trashy tv shows.

We had been texting nonstop and decided to watch Jersey Shore at the same time. Somehow we got pretty deep. There was a medium on the episode and that started a conversation on people we had lost. It didn’t get too deep but, it felt oddly easy. I rarely if ever talk about that part of my life and it didn’t feel weird talking to him.

I asked him to FaceTime after and once again, the conversation was easy AF. We kept roasting each other and joked in very similar ways. Next thing I knew it was 2am and we could have kept talking.

The next day he asked what I was doing that night and asked if I wanted to go on a nature adventure with him since it was so nice out. I had nothing to lose. Even if the romantic spark wasn’t there with us, we got along personality wise so at least it was going to be a nice time out.

We met up at a nature preserve and parked ourselves on a bench. As I cracked open my hard seltzer to move it to a water bottle I heard a chuckle. I looked up and of course, there was someone I knew. In my hometown there is one family that is just fucking perfect. All the kids are super smart, athletic, nice, involved in the church, and just nice people all around. There I was drinking in public in front of the dad and one of his daughters. FUCK. Biggest townie moment of my life.

Despite that awkward moment, things were good. I mean I created more awkward moments by making a chlamydia and a rape joke but for whatever reason, Rich didn’t leave. The conversation was so fucking easy and he seemed like a genuinely nice person which was refreshing for my degenerate ass.

It was getting dark so we walked back to our cars. Before we got to the parking lot he asked if I would want to come back to his house to watch Jersey Shore. I said I wanted to but, I didn’t want to give the wrong impression by saying yes. That’s when he said, “No pressure at all. I really just want to spend time with you and hang out. Completely fine if nothing happens, that’s not my intention.” WELL SHIT.

I agreed and followed him back. As it turned out he lived 2 streets away from my parents’ house. What the flying fuck. We hung out in his basement and I still couldn’t gauge if he liked me. Like yeah, he invited me back but he hadn’t made a move yet. I thought he was going to when we walked in then I thought he was when we were standing next to each other looking at the puzzle he was working on. Nothing.

He sat on the couch and I took a spot on the floor and that’s when finally, it happened. We kissed. And it was good. He kissed me again and eventually I moved to his lap and we were sitting there face to face. Everything just felt so comfortable.

I blurted out between make outs that I had an interview for a job in DC in case he wanted an out. He said, “I’ve thought about this a lot and that’s for me to worry about. Obviously, I hope for this to turn into something more but if you get the job, we will cross that bridge when we get there. I just want to spend as much time with you as I can.” My heart.

I can only describe the rest of the date as “one of those nights that lasts forever”. We had the big conversations with jokes and kisses mixed in between. It felt natural.

As expected, I couldn’t quite hold out sexually. So while we started with innocent make outs on the couch, it eventually led to clothes coming off and heavy petting on the floor. OOPS. But hey, I somehow managed to control myself and not fuck his brains out and he was quite the gentleman and didn’t push.

At about 2/2:30 am we called it a night. I went back home walking on air and woke up smiling the next morning when I saw his name, both first and last, pop up on my phone.

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Encounter #64.1: Flight Attendant

App: Hinge

Name: Cody*

Date Location: Jersey City Waterfront

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

I had been chatting with Cody on Hinge for weeks and it was just so easy. He was very funny, sharp, and knew how to keep a conversation moving. It also helped that he was from the midwest and was about 33 so he wasn’t a complete douche.

Cody lived a few towns over from me in NJ and in non-COVID times, was a flight attendant. He knew some pretty obscure 90s references and because he was a flight attendant, hung out with a lot of gay people so he was hip.

I had gotten pretty drunk one night at home and FaceTimed him. Holy shit. This boy was dreamy AF and had a really nice voice to match. Hot DAMN. He put up with my lil drunk ass and still continued to text me in the days after.

I was spending the pandemic up at my parents’ house and had to go down to NJ to pick up some stuff from my apartment. Since I was already going to be down there, I figured I’d hit him up.

We met at the waterfront and had the entire view of the skyline. As I was staring out at the Freedom Tower he walked up and he was just as much a snack in person as he was over FaceTime. We sat on the edge of the sidewalk (6 feet apart), shared some Oreos, and cracked open a few hard seltzers.

He was very talkative which I appreciated however, it was very one sided. I learned his entire work history including all schooling meanwhile I don’t think he even knew what I did for work let alone where.

His dad ended up calling which at first didn’t bother me. Shit happens and it had to do with tax stuff so whatever. Then his dad called again and he took it…again. Then while we were talking he was on his phone looking for flight jobs. K. I get work in that industry is tough because of Corona. I really do. But, all I am asking for is a few hours of your time. Just be present.

He had shit to do so we called it a day after a few hours and he walked me to my car. Tbh, I wasn’t too sure how he felt about me at that point. He tapped my arm a few times when we were sitting near each other but given that we had to keep space, there was no solid way to gauge.

When we got to the car, we hugged for a long time. He smelled amazing and he gave the hug the right amount of pressure. Maybe things were better than I thought. I braced myself for the kiss but it didn’t happen. When we let go we did the awkward, “We should do this again” and I jumped in my car.

We continued to text afterwards but ultimately it never went anywhere. I pulled a hail mary and let him know the next time I’d be in NJ but I never heard from him again.

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Encounter #63.1: Esquire

App: Tinder

Name: Ron*

Date Location: A field

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

When you’re quarantining in your parents’ house there are only a handful of things you can do:

  • Tell yourself that you’re going to workout but really watch 12 hours of RuPaul’s Drag Race
  • Buy expensive clothing you can’t wear because you’ll die if you go outside
  • Eat the strangest assortment of snacks
  • Masturbate
  • Swipe through dating apps

I leaned into all these things but I really leaned into that last one. If I was going to be locked in, I was going to have fun.

Ron slid into my messages and I was impressed. Funny, smart, and didn’t ask me for nudes. Truly a unicorn.

He was a top prosecutor in one of the counties near where I grew up, lived in my hometown, had a dog AND a condo, and overall just had his shit together. He was in the National Guard and per Google, won all these awards for being a good person or some shit. (Also per my creeping, he knew my zombie EMT).

He originally asked me to come to his place for take out. Although it was quarantine and we were limited in options, that felt a bit much so we compromised and met up at a field within his condo complex.

When I saw Ron for the first time I was a bit disappointed. I had creeped him. HARD. He photographed way better than he looked in person. Not bad but, not quite what I was looking for.

In the walk from his condo to the field, I became skeptical of how it was going to go. The quick banter we had over text suddenly turned into me sounding like an anxious chihuahua barking at a brick wall. So many awkward silences and nothing much in return.

We hung out for awhile. It was beautiful out and it had been a long time since I had interacted with someone under the age of 60. That said, I felt like I was both carrying the team and embarrassing myself at the same time. Because of the silences, I felt like I had to be more “on” to make up for it and I felt so fucking awkward.

I really had to pee so he let me into his condo. Not bad. Definitely had potential but needed a woman’s touch. Like there was decor but also nothing looked finished. We awkwardly hugged and then as I walked to the stairs to get to street level, he offered to walk me out. Weird. Pretty sure I made an ass of myself but I’ll take it.

We were both so awkward that I am not entirely sure if his intention was to kiss me or not, but I swerved it real hard. Went directly to the right shoulder and made it a hug. No kissing if you’re unsure in Coronatime.

We went our separate ways and never spoke again.

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Encounter #62.1: Lake Lovin

App: The League

Name: Ian*

Date Location: Lake access point – Laconia, NH

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 1.5 hours

What Happened:

What initially drew me to Ian was that he was also from New Hampshire. Throughout all my time in NJ/NYC I had only matched with one other guy from NH and it didn’t go anywhere. I was getting really done with NYC guys and I was craving a piece of home.

He also picked up on the NH connection and we exchanged numbers pretty quickly. Only thing was that Coronavirus had just become a thing so that was a buzz kill. However, we were both quarantining in NH.

For the first few weeks of quarantine, we would text over the weekend to try to hang out but it would never work out and then we’d just repeat the cycle the next week. After completing our 2-week quarantines and having schedules that matched, we made moves to hang out.

He lived up by the lake region and his parents’ house was only a block from the water. He sent me the GooglePin and I drove up to the access point.

On paper, this seemed like a good idea. We were outside, the lake looked beautiful and we had both packed alcohol. Problem was it was windy AF and kind of cloudy so it was fucking freezing.

Ian was a smart one and packed a blanket so we sat next to each other huddled up underneath. We chatted for a bit and it was fine. He worked in real estate and was raking in mad money. So much that he was not eligible for the $1200 stimulus check, could shell out $3000+ on rent, and flew everywhere. For real, this kid went international on like 7 bachelor parties in the past year and said he dropped at least $3000 every trip. Meanwhile, I eat food that has been in my fridge a questionable amount of time just to avoid buying something.

Ian didn’t have much to say. The only noteworthy thing was his worst date. Basically he met up with this girl and the texting was great but she didn’t deliver in person. She also ordered the most expensive things on the menu. What got him though was that he looked down at her leg and apparently her calves were hairless but her thighs had thick, dark hair and that was what did it for him. Weird. Overall, he was nice enough but there were so many long pauses. I didn’t feel like I was carrying the team but, I did feel that I was too out there for him.

After about an hour I really had to pee and we realized there was no bathroom. As much as I don’t think Ian would have cared if I peed in the woods, it was just too damn windy to risk it. He walked me back up to my car and I was very surprised that he went in for the kiss. Pretty sure I owe that to him not seeing a girl in weeks but fuck it, I needed it too. It was quick but wasn’t bad. Given everything going on we couldn’t really make out.

I sped to a supermarket and had the most religious piss of my life. Like wow. What dreams are made of. What a time.

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Encounter #61.1: Quaran-Bae

App: Hinge

Name: Damien*

Date Location: FaceTime

Location Review: N/A

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Thanks to that damn bitch Corona, Damien and I were left to meet on FaceTime. It seemed promising. The conversation leading up was really good and we smoothly went from app to texting which is rare. Then it came to talk.

The “date” was good. He was 30, worked in banking, and had recently moved back home to the Bronx so he could save money for a house. He was in a frat in college, was looking to one day get married, and I was his first dating app experience.

What started as a “let’s just talk for 20 minutes” turned into a 4 hour affair. He kept asking questions and for once I didn’t have to carry the team in that respect. One thing I did think was weird was that he kept asking what I thought of him physically. TBH, he was okay looking. I mean definitely not bad looking by any means but just wasn’t my thing. Kinda looked like a jacked fat guy in that he probably only lifts and never hits cardio so even though there is a lot of muscle there, he didn’t have much tone. Also his voice was so annoying. Wow. Did not fit his body.

He also thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. I mean yeah, you’re not wrong but, this is a bit of an art form. You can’t come on too strong and start planning that we’re going to date. In the first encounter I just need to know you’re interested and somewhat normal not getting ready for our wedding.

I figured I owed him a second chance. It was low effort on my end since it was just FaceTime but as the days went on I was less and less interested. He kept doubling texting me if I didn’t respond quickly and being in quarantine, there’s not much to report out on your day to day.

We FaceTimed one more time for maybe 15/20 minutes since I was tired but that marked the end of our quarantined romance.

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