TBT: Done Fucked Up

App: Tinder

Name: Ray*

Date Location: Midfield Cafe – Nashua, NH

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – It’s a diner. Food is cheap. There’s bacon.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

To start, let’s put it on record that I am a moron. Good? Great.

During this particular period of my life, I was stressed AF. I had been working 9 years on a goal and in 3 weeks I was going to find out if I would achieve it or not. (Spoiler, I didn’t.) On top of that, I was still salty about the whole Connor thing and was leaning towards moving to NYC in the coming weeks. Lots of shit happening.

When Ray and I connected, I had about half a brain cell left but for whatever reason this fucker was interested in my ditzy ass. He asked for my snapchat and my number so we were snapping consistently but for whatever reason still messaging on the app. My dumb ass had typed the number wrong. Awk.

We made plans to go out, I picked my favorite spot, but it started to snow. I thought I had said that we would go out the next night. I didn’t. He went to the bar that night. DAMN IT LAURA.

We decided to meet the next morning for breakfast at a diner by him. I got up early that morning, shoveled my car out of a foot of snow, enlisted a friend to help push my car out of the driveway, and somehow made it. This was going to be a story for the ages. This was how I would meet the father of my children.

That didn’t happen. Ray was probably the most boring person I ever met. Despite being from Alaska, he had nothing to say about it. Everything was “okay”. He played volleyball at school. What did Ray have to say? “It’s fun.” K.

He was graduating college in a few weeks and at this point I kind of knew deep down that I was going to be moving. Before I could send “the text” he had sent me a message that he had such a good time, even if it didn’t look like it because he was so nervous to be around “such a beautiful woman”. Shit. Damn it. I was about to be an asshole.

I sent “the text” but this one I went a little off script. I said something along the lines of, “Thank you so much I had a great time but truth be told I just don’t have the time to be dating right now and I still have some things to work out with my ex.” The ex was a new addition. I expected no response. I instead got a really nice text back saying something like, “I understand. I’m graduating soon so I’m also busy but if you ever want to hang out, even as friends let me know.”

Thanks Ray. It was real.

giphy.gif

Encounter #25.1: Or Something

App: Tinder

Name: Maxwell*

Date Location: The Jeffrey

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Tight space but has a ton of craft beer options including cider and has a cozy vibe.

Date Duration: 3.5 hours

What Happened:

Going in, I had no idea if Maxwell was attractive. His Tinder profile wasn’t completely indicative and based on the one clear photo there was, he looked like a 35-year old trapped in a 24-year old’s body. At this point in my dating life, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go out with guys I normally wouldn’t talk to. Clearly whatever the fuck I was doing before wasn’t quite working so why not change it up.

I beat him to the bar and anxiously awaited for his arrival. Was he the really hot guy who was walking my way? No. Was he the really creepy guy who just made eye contact with me? No. He rolled up to the table and I immediately thought, “Meh. Could do a lot worse.” But he did look better than his photos so that was a win in itself.

Talking to him was so fucking easy. I don’t know if he was faking interest in what I had to say or what but he was fucking great at it if he was. We went back and forth and it didn’t feel one sided or that I was carrying the team on my back.

Maxwell had his shit together for a 24-year old. He did accounting for a real estate company and had his own place in a nice area. Aside from that he was a craft beer fanatic, would try to go to one concert a year, NY sports fan, Italian, and was close to his younger sister.

Here’s the thing. I didn’t think I could be attracted to him physically. He had his moments. His voice wasn’t bad (he sounded like my friend’s boyfriend which was a little weird.) But it just wasn’t there for me.

That in mind, he walked me to my train stop and we ended up kissing. It was good. Pretty solid. But not good enough to seal the deal.

Despite that, I felt like I kept knocking people out too early. Maybe if I gave this guy a second chance it could work. I clearly vibed with him so what would the harm be in going out with him one more time to be sure?

Apparently more than I thought. We established a date and in the planning, things took a turn.

2

DAMN IT. HE WANTED TO SMASH, I DIDN’T FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE, AND I WAS PLANNING ON ENDING IT AFTER THE SECOND DATE. FUCKKK. Okay, I could turn this around.

3

…nope. In all fairness this was not a lie. The two days after I sent the text I had to stay home from work for a throat infection. Oh. Well.

tumblr_mzzstbVRxh1tqk71zo1_500.gif

Encounter #23.1: Nice Boy

Name: Aaron*

Date Location: Quality Greens Kitchen

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Super healthy and tasty. A cross between HoneyGrow and Chipotle. Wish there was booze.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Aaron was physically out of my league. By a lot. So I was shocked when he messaged first on Hinge. He asked to meet up in Hoboken to walk along the water front. I got there first so I was just dicking around on my phone texting friends in our group chat. I then done fucked it up.

10

Womp. To combat this issue, I changed his name in my phone to:

Screenshots Batch 5.png

Well, he still agreed to hang out with me. I walked up to him and he was SO FINE but it felt like I already made him uncomfortable. (I mean I kinda did).

But his voice was so stiff and monotone I really thought it was all over.  I later realized that that was really his voice. We walked along the pier and he seemed to get more comfortable. We sat down and somehow within 15/20 minutes he asked if he could kiss me and we made out…for several minutes. It wasn’t too bad. The only thing was that his breath was kind of oniony and he wouldn’t let up. I love PDA, don’t get me wrong. But it was not dark enough outside to be doing that shit plus we were in an area where people take photos since the skyline is right there.

We stopped making out long enough for him to offer up dinner. We walked to the restaurant holding hands (his were so fucking dry. He needed some serious lotion). During this 7-minute walk I really started to hate him. He kept bringing up how he hated his hometown and that he was a health nut. Like no ice cream, no pizza, no fun health nut. Then by the time we got to the restaurant I learned he was bullied in high school, had body image issues, and neither were resolved.

We ate and kept chatting. Anytime he said anything, he sounded like a child. He wouldn’t curse so he used these odd made up words in their place. He also dropped the bomb that he didn’t drink. FUCK. I asked why and he said it’s because his aunt choked on her own vomit while drinking…and doing heroin and crack. I’m not a doctor, but I think the heroin and crack were  the bigger issue.

Despite not drinking, he had been in more bar fights than you’d expect. As these stories went on it seemed like his friends weren’t really his friends and either kept him around for some personal gain or because they felt obligated. Either way, these guys he hung around with sucked.

After dinner we went back to the pier. He started to kiss me again and I just wanted it to stop. I was annoyed by him and I hated how he kept making out with me nonstop. I said something along the lines of, “I get really embarrassed by PDA” (total lie) to make it end. I really wanted to get to know him to see if I was a dick or if he really was that annoying to me. Instead, we went behind a piece of playground equipment and it just kept happening and it was getting worse. His nose poked my eye.

Somehow I got him to stop sucking my bottom lip off long enough to ask him what his worst date was. He said that a girl looked really in shape in her pics and then showed up not looking like them. WOW AARON. I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU. Meanwhile I’ve fucked a dude with no electricity, was blown off for a nap, and had a guy ditch after 7 minutes. BUT YES AARON THAT DATE WAS TERRIBLE.

I was ready to call it a night and despite his offer to drive me home, I called a Lyft. He texted me that night saying he had a good time and all that shit. The next day, I had a gala for work so I was working all night. He texted me at some point wishing me luck but I was busy so I ignored it. Three days later he texted me again asking how the event went. I had just gotten home from a weekend away so I ignored it and decided I would text him later to break it off.

He called me and left a fucking voicemail.

Fuck. This guy was nice. So nice. But also wayyyy more into me than I was into him. As much as I wanted to ghost, it was too late. I had to nagasaki him.

I blocked, unmatched, then sent the text out. He had an iPhone so despite being blocked his message came through on my laptop. He seemed to take it well even though I was the biggest cunt in history. I only made out with him and gave every indication I was interested. Great work, Laura.

giphy.gif

Encounter #17.1: Hollywood

App: Hinge

Name: Todd*

Date Location: Mustang Harry’s & Bar 13

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Awesome apps, kick ass happy hour, most delightful owner

2.5 Stars – Thank god the lights were off because it’s literally someone’s basement. Don’t blacklight anything. FIRE playlist though

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

3f7a2579d38ad7b9b17c040c2bb7104a--luke-perry-beverly-hills-
Oh hey, Luke Perry

I’m just going to say it. I “Liked” Todd because he looked like the guy from 90210 and I wanted to see just how much he looked like him. That was our starting point.

Leading up, we really didn’t talk. Actually the night of our original chat ended when he said he needed to do stuff for work so I should just shoot him a message when I got back from my weekend trip. Ballsy.

In my inifinite wisdom I took it like a challenge and honestly, I was kinda impressed. Instead of ghosting he just said he was busy and wouldn’t answer. (The fact this was my barometer for a decent guy says a lot).

Within only a few messages he asked me out for drinks and had me pick the bar. After a previously unsuccessful trip at Mustang Harry’s, I wanted to try it out.

will
He can teach me any time

I met him at a table which was unexpected but welcome because that meant a solid possibility of food. Todd was a really good time. No lags in conversation, kept telling me I was pretty and how great I was, and he seemed to have his shit together. To top it off, he had a decent job in construction management, was Italian, loved Pitbull, lived alone, was also getting into country music, wanted to do touristy NY shit, had a close family, grew up in NY, and looked like Will Schuester in the right light (surprisingly not like Luke Perry as an FYI).

We were having such good conversation and the topic of bachata came up. He had no idea how to do it and I had always wanted to go. With no hesitation he pulled his phone out, asked if I wanted to go that night, and found a spot. Holy. Shit.

We had time to kill before the club opened so we stayed at the first bar for awhile. Out of nowhere the manager came up to us, started talking, and we got free drinks. It was at this point I realized that I was more sober than Todd. I had only had 2 beers and maybe half of my next drink. He had 2 shots, 2 beers, 1 mixed drink, and he finished mine. This is after he said he didn’t drink heavily that often. Oh Todd, you were hanging out with Laura. You will be drunk.

After we finished our last round we moved to the Latin club to get our bachata on. Everything was pretty good until we got to the club. I will be the first to say that I have no patience for other people especially when it comes to dumb questions. The club had a sign hanging from the awning that had the business name. When we got there the bouncer explained that downstairs was the Latin spot and upstairs was hip hop. Todd pointed to the sign and said “What’s this then?” It annoyed me so much for no reason. Then I realized it wasn’t the question that bothered me in this case. It was how he said it. He sounded exactly like my ex. Then as I thought about it, he had other similar tendencies which reminded me of the ex. The way he talked to the manager, how he talked about me, the other questions he asked. I couldn’t unsee it and I was incredibly annoyed on the inside.

But we were at the club and I couldn’t dip from just being “annoyed”. We ultimately headed to the hip hop club and entered a room which should never have the lights turned on let alone have a blacklight on it. No joke, it looked like a high school kid’s dream basement.

Since Todd reminded me of my ex I needed beer. STAT. So I downed 2 Coronas and somehow convinced him to also down 2 despite him already being quite drunk. Ohhh well.

We took on the dance floor and by took on I mean I was breaking shit down while he kinda stood there doing a slight straight-guy-shuffle. Every now and there I’d check in on him and we started getting pretty touchy. But not in a gross way. Actually, he was really sweet. He would pull me in, have his hand on my lower back, pull me close to talk, and keep his arm behind me as we stood at the bar. It may not seem like anything noteworthy, but it had been awhile since someone touched me in such a tender and respectful way. (Once again, these standards say a lot).

It had been a long day, Todd was sloshed, so it was time to head out. When we reached the corner to part ways, we kissed (in front of a food cart with the guy staring right at us).

We texted a few times over the weekend but when it came to setting another date, our schedules just weren’t lining up. He had to work late all week and I was heading home to see my sister that weekend. Throughout that entire time span, not one text from him. And really, I had no complaints about it. We shared a fantastic night but once again I wasn’t 100% down, I didn’t want to string him along, and I didn’t want to have another awkward fuck.

tumblr_m27umw315P1qcf9aao1_500.gif

Encounter #15.1: Trivia Master

App: Tinder

Name: Taylor*

Date Location: House of Que

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Really cool bartender, decent trivia, and the food looked bomb AF

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Taylor was not what I would go for. His hair was light, he was 5’7″, military, and his last pic was him shirtless with his hand very close to some girl’s ass. That being said, his first pic involved a WWE style belt so I had some questions.

Also had the best opener/height related conversation in the history of Tinder

Screenshot batch 3 (2).jpg

He asked me out while I was out of the country so when I got back I volleyed the offer. He accepted and we went out. THAT NIGHT. (I did have time to change my pants before heading out. If you wear tight pants on a date, it means you care).

He picked a place in Hoboken with trivia. Truth be told, I suck at trivia. Unless it has to do with pageantry, Boston, or really vague 90’s references I’m pretty much useless. We won that night.

Between questions and drinks, I really started digging this guy. Was he short? Yeah. But meanwhile he had a fantasy football podcast, was ex-military, worked in aviation, loved The Simpsons, and was working on his MBA. HOT DAMN.

The whole time I didn’t know where I stood. I was having a halfway decent time but I was also the one who was guiding the conversation so I had no idea if he was just being nice or was genuinely enjoying himself.

Once the bar started closing down we put in the calls for our respective Lyfts and stood in the foyer to wait. Taylor turned to me and said, “I had a really good time tonight. We should definitely do this again. I need to send you my number”. OKAY IF YOU INSIST.

We hugged and then he said, “You know, you’re really not that much taller than me”. And then he went in for the kiss and it was good. To the point I wanted to make out with him but deemed it inappropriate since it was only the first date.

We texted here and there, I may have been trashed for some of it, but we set a second date.

tenor.gif

TBT: The Set Up

Name: Brian*

Date Location: Strange Brew Tavern – Manchester, NH

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – If you’re a beer person, absolutely recommend. There’s tons to choose from. It’s great for week nights but I wouldn’t recommend for weekends. You end up in a room which looks like a frat house basement and run into people from high school.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

After two unsuccessful dates, it dawned upon one of my best friends that I should go out with her friend. Apparently he was a funny guy, had a similar sense of humor, and was cute. Fuck, I got nothing to lose. She gave him my number and it began.

We texted CONSTANTLY. She was spot on. We joked the same way and had similar views on things. We were texting so much that my mom knew something was up and asked me who I was talking to. This is when I came clean about dating. I don’t know why, but I was really secretive about it. I didn’t want to keep having unsuccessful dates and have my family think that there was something wrong with me, I was a hoe, or whatever else parents can judge you for.

I rolled up to good ole Strange Brew. On the way in he texted me saying to look for the most good looking guy in the room. But then this man flagged me down, and I realized that this guy was my date. Shit. Well, I already came this far and did my hair. I was locked in.

I had great conversation with him. He was respectful, nice, and decently funny but in addition to not wanting anything physical with him, I kind of got the gay vibe. Also, that would explain why we got along so well…

My friend and her boyfriend ended up crashing our date which I was more than fine with. I needed a distraction to plan my out. After another drink I found my opening to leave and took it. Hoping I’d just be able to run out and text message break up this bitch, he walked me to my car. Fuck.

We got to my car and he said how he had such a great time and would like to do it again. At this point in time, I did not have my sea legs. So I responded with, “You know you’re such a great guy and I had a good time. I don’t want to lead you on, I’m just not feeling this romantically”. He looked like he took it well and said he could respect that.

I later found out that when he went back into the bar he immediately ordered shots and got pretty drunk. A few months later, he started dating a friend of mine from way back (named Lauren. Boy got a type for the Laur). They also didn’t work out but at least I got a “set up” under my belt and my friend and I have a great story.

rz306.gif

Encounter #7.1: No. Just No.

App: Tinder

Name: Mason*

Date Location: Lyceum Theatre The Play That Goes Wrong

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Theatre is beautiful and the show is very, very, funny with an insane set.

Date Duration: 3.5 hours

What Happened:

After a week of lead time, Mason and I finally met up. We had matched on Tinder, chatted consistently, exchanged numbers, snapchatted, and texted constantly. So already, not what I usually do.

Since I had his last name I decided to creep him on Facebook. Bad idea. I was on the fence about him but his profile didn’t help. It’s not that he’s unattractive it’s that he had eyebrows as thick as my entire pony tail. Hoping it was a fluke, I awaited the selfies in snapchats. Maybe he got his brows done recently? NOPE. Monkey brows.

Despite that, he met a lot of my standards – engineer, athletic, smart, Jewish, and similar sense of humor. He won tickets to The Play That Goes Wrong in the Broadway lottery. Normally I would have thought this was extra but we seemed to get along over text so fuck it. Let’s do it.

As soon as he walked up I felt the immediate NOPE. On a physical level I just wasn’t into it. He had longer, greasy hair, was shorter than me, and THOSE DAMN eye brows. I have never felt bitchier or more shallow in my life but I could not picture him touching me.

We took our seats in the theatre and I was slowly reminded of high school. Back in the day there was this incredibly smart guy I was friends with. Super chill, could hold a conversation, but definitely had an engineer’s mind. The more Mason spoke the more I heard the voice of this boy I grew up with and it was freaky AF. In case I ever wanted to know what a date with that boy from high school would be like, I now know. He had this tendency to always be right, get the last word in, and one up the other person in intelligence. Mama don’t play that game.

Side note: The show was actually really good. Someone “complained” about us and we got moved to from the balcony to the 3rd row. (Don’t worry, it was all part of the show). The set is absolutely incredible and it’s a fun plot. Go see it.

After the show he asked if I wanted to get pizza and I got out of it by saying it would take an hour for me to get home, I had to work the next day, all that shit. He walked me to the train station, we hugged, and I scooted away.

However, Mason proved to be clingy. As I mentioned earlier, he added me on Snapchat before we went out which I think is weird. But as soon as I left he immediately snapped AND texted me. Okay, buddy. Calm down. As much as I wanted to wait until the next day to drop the bomb, I knew it had to be done then. NAGASAKI’ED. Sent the text, blocked, unmatched. No more.

I did feel bad for a second. This kid really did nothing wrong and took the time to plan a great date. And then I remembered it cost $40 for the 2 of us which is less than dinner and drinks so I got over it real fast. On to the next one!

tenor

TBT: The First Date

App: Bumble

Name: Miles*

Date Location: Strange Brew Tavern – Manchester, NH

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – If you’re a beer person, absolutely recommend. There’s tons to choose from. It’s great for week nights but I wouldn’t recommend for weekends. You end up in a room which looks like a frat house basement and run into people from high school.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

After my 6-year relationship ended I had no idea what to do. I never “dated” since my ex and I got together in high school then stayed together through college. All I knew was that while I lived with my parents and only hung out with female friends, I needed a way to meet men.

I downloaded dating apps and one night was swiping through Bumble. I matched with Miles* and we began chatting. Based on his photos, he was pretty cute, outdoorsy, and liked to stay relatively active. I asked him out and we went from there.

Little thing to note, we had talked A LOT on the app. Since this was my first attempt at dating I wasn’t sure when to bring up a date or if he would do it himself. So we had already covered a significant amount of ground before meeting up.

After nearly peeing myself from nerves, I made it into the bar. He did not look like his photos. I could bench press him. But hey, he seemed like a nice guy and I have no idea what dating is so FUCK IT.

He was really sweet. He found out that I co-hosted a morning radio show and he told me that he listened in that morning. Also when he found out that I love Straight Outta Compton he listened to the soundtrack on a trip up north with his friends.

But after a few drinks, I kinda knew this wouldn’t go anywhere. He had that “lives with his mom” quality and since we already covered so much ground, had nothing else to talk about. Because I didn’t want my first date to be a bust, I went full Resident Assistant and pulled questions out of thin air.

Despite him making a “Wow, we had such a great date since it was 4 hours” comment, I never heard from him again and I was so happy about it. I had done the impossible. I went on a first date and didn’t get murdered. I did something I never thought I would have to or even could do. But I did. And it opened a new door of my life. THANKS MILES.

RegularAcceptableIcelandicsheepdog.gif

Encounter #4.1: The Struggle

App: Tinder

Name: Shane*

Date Location: Low Fidelity – Jersey City

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Hand-crafted cocktail bar with options that won’t intimidate and has corn hole in the back.  Quite the gem in a shithole.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Once again, I started this date on the fence. I couldn’t tell how attractive he was by his pics but we had decent banter going so the possibility was there.

Shane was a shapeshifter. There were some angles where he looked really good and some not so much. He was over 6 ft which helped his case and fun fact: is blind in one eye. What really got me was that he lived in Jersey City and was only a 10 minute walk from my apartment. Pretty much everyone I have met in NYC shits on NJ and thinks Jersey City is insanely far when it’s 40 minutes away (it can take 1 hour to go from the Upper West Side to the Upper East Side. JUST SAYING).

The thing with Shane is that he was boring AF. One sentence answers, not particularly funny, and didn’t ask too many questions. I can’t carry the whole team on my back, bro. Despite that, he was fine. Did bring up that he makes 6-figures which rubbed me the wrong way, but was fine.

I think my standards for a good first date are very different from other peoples’. Just because we may spend a decent amount of time together doesn’t mean it’s good. I may want to dip after 5 minutes but the opportune moment doesn’t come up until 3 hours later. Your girl plays the long game.

But this was the case with Shane. We were finishing our last round and he says, “Wow, we’ve been out for 4 hours. I’d say this went pretty well. I had such a good time..Let’s do this soon blah blah”. If by well you mean I got drunk from chugging my drinks during the awkward silences, then yes. It went swimmingly.

Once again though, I did shit I shouldn’t have. We were walking in the same direction to go home and I may have made out with him on the corner. Typically I’m not a first date kiss person never mind with someone I’m not into, but god damn it’s been awhile and Mama needed something to hold her over.

Too many times I’ve heard the story of, “When I met my husband for the first time I couldn’t stand him. But for whatever reason I gave him another chance and now we’re married”.  Keeping that in mind, we texted for the next few days and since he could keep decent banter I agreed to a second date.

giphy.gif

Encounter #3.1: The Disappointment

App: Bumble

Name: Esteban*

Date Location: Mexican Restaurant and nice looking cocktail bar

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Fajitas were nothing to ride home about and the cocktail bar wasn’t anything special considering the prices

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Esteban asked me out for fajitas which is one of the quickest ways to my heart. Chicken, guac, margs. It’s a set up for a great evening.

I was waiting outside the restaurant when Esteban rolled up. Cute, looks mostly like his pictures, not too tall, I can work with this. As it turns out, Esteban is half Hispanic, half Greek, and is fluent in Spanish. HAVE MERCYYY. To top it off he went to Carnegie Mellon for engineering, has bought his mother a house, used to do improv, and lives in New Jersey.

On paper he checked pretty much all my boxes. I have a thing for engineers. I think it’s so sexy when someone is that smart and has the ability to make/fix things. Plus they typically think in a straightforward manner and I need someone to snap me out of my bullshit. Also Greek. I went to one Greek food festival and was sold. Not only is the food delicious but the dancing is fun and the families are huge. (I come from a very small, not too close family. Big families are fascinating). To top it off, financially stable.

Despite all of this, he missed the most important box. Having a fucking personality. Talking to him was like pulling teeth. Every question I asked he responded with 1 sentence. No elaboration. There was one point he asked me what questions people ask on dates. It didn’t make any sense! He said that back in college he did a shit ton of drugs except for heroin, meth, and crack. Hey, I don’t judge. BUT I WILL JUDGE YOU IF YOU DON’T HAVE ONE GOOD STORY. You’re telling me that in 4 years, especially when you had psychedelic experiences, you have nothing to say? Also the puns. A well placed pun can be extremely funny. When they’re every 5 seconds I will have to smack you.

However, there were a few things I did that I really shouldn’t have. In my profile I say I snort when I laugh. Eventually he points out that I haven’t snorted yet. And I really shouldn’t have done this but the next “funny” thing he said I made myself snort in response. It was like faking an orgasm. You do it to make the person feel good but end up reinforcing a bad behavior.

After we finished at the restaurant he asked if I’d be down for drinks. He was so boring but he covered so much of my “list”. So I went and it was just as awkward as dinner except the lighting was dimmer. He walked me to the train station and asked for my number. Why I gave it to him I have no idea, but it happened. We hugged, I went on my merry way, we texted for a few days until it faded out. But it may be time to edit that list of mine.

200.gif