Encounter #87.1: Jonah Hill

App: Bumble

Name: Jonah*

Date Location: Volare – Revere, MA

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Overall pretty good. Finding parking was a bitch but the food was worth it.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

There was a lot of back and forth leading up to this one. Jonah could hold a conversation and he seemed to be a nice enough guy. When he (finally) asked me to dinner, I couldn’t say no.

He beat me there and the hostess walked me over to a guy who was facing the wall. He got up to hug me and our boy looked like Jonah Hill. Not hot Jonah. Full Super Bad Jonah. Aw, fuck.

I’m not a completely shallow bitch so I decided to stay and really get a feel for him. He really didn’t ask me too many questions and it was one of those dates where I felt like I was being put on some kind of pedestal. Like yeah, I bought a gaming laptop so I could play the Sims and mod the game but I am by no means a gamer. He was having some nerd wet dream across the table from me and I just didn’t know how to take it.

We wrapped up dinner and I was ready to gtfo. He walked me to my car and I immediately swerved to his shoulder to avoid any kind of kiss. Just was not interested.

Now I probably should have said something to him afterward but, I didn’t have his number and I didn’t feel like messaging him on the app to immediately unmatch him. So the next morning I smashed that unmatch button and went about my day. Well, apparently I chose wrong because this popped into my Facebook messenger box:

Ummm WTF?

We have all been on the recipient end of ghosting and it’s not great. However, it was one date and I didn’t have your number. How invested can either of us really be at that point? Also, what exactly was end game here? Not sure there is any good answer to expect from a question like that. Good day, sir.

Encounter #85.3: The Carpenter

App: Bumble

Name: James*

Date Location: Crazy Axes – Hanover, MA

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Fabulous way to bring out your inner Canadian lumberjack and flex how lethal you could be.

Date Duration: 10 hours

What Happened:

It wasn’t long after our second date that the third was on the books. He didn’t tell me anything about what we were doing but that he was going to pick me up at 8pm. Okayyyyy.

He told me to wear casual clothes, bring a cup, and we picked up Chik-Fil-A since wherever we were going allowed food and alcohol. We made it to an ax-throwing place and when he opened up his backpack he pulled out a bottle of Barefoot Moscato since he remembered I liked sweet, white wine. Be still my heart. So sweet.

I then absolutely demolished his ass. Lethal skillz over here. We chit-chatted throughout and the sexual tension was at about a 12. When we left, there was talk about meeting up with some of his friends but the bar they were at wasn’t it. We decided to go back to my place and while we were talking in the car, he pulled over. Then out of nowhere while I was mid-sentence, he pulled me in and laid the hottest kiss on me. Hands in the hair, full passion. HOT. Then we just started driving like nothing happened.

Not long after getting to my place, we got to it and it was good for a first encounter. He was so dominant and kept tossing me around and I was content. We may have (okay, definitely) messed up my sheets so we were left sleeping directly on the mattress with whatever fucking blankets I could scrape together.

He told me ahead of time that he had trouble sleeping at new peoples’ houses which made sense. He also normally gets up early for work so he warned me he may be up before I wake up. Cool, totally fine. In the morning, I heard him go to the bathroom, and then he didn’t come back to the bedroom. Odd. I hear shifting in the living room so I walked in to him putting his clothes back on and dipping out. We kissed but then a few hours later he texted me apologizing that it looked like he was sneaking out and he really just wanted to sleep in his own bed. Cool, fine. Makes sense.

We made plans for a few days later but we were both horny AF so he came over, we fucked, hung out, and he went home after a few hours. The next day we made plans to go out but he had a long day and just wanted to chill which I was fine with. We decided on staying in to watch a movie and he offered to get snacks.

We actually did watch the movie. We chatted here and there but I could tell he was tired so I didn’t think much of it. Little different from our usual vibe but, we can’t be “on” all the time.

After the movie ended we started making moves and ended up in my room. Sex was good. Nothing off to report. Afterward, he cuddled with me on the couch and watched a few episodes of The Office and then called it a night since we both had work the next day. Completely normal.

I didn’t hear from him the next day. Figuring he just had another long day at work, I gave it a pass and texted him. We went back and forth for maybe 4/5 texts. I couldn’t explain it but I felt the shift. I just knew it was done. And then I didn’t hear from him ever again.

This one kinda stung. Usually, in these cases, it never has anything to do with you, and a lot to do with them but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I feel like the person you’re fucking deserves a bit better than ghosting. He was 31. That’s old enough to know better especially when we had talked about how sex is such an emotional thing for women.

Idk. Maybe I just got too hopeful too soon but it was nice to feel wanted and a part of someone’s life for a change. Even if it was only for a few weeks. Just disappointed but not surprised yet again.

Encounter #86.1: Good Soup

App: Hinge

Name: Harold*

Date Location: Assembly – Quincy, MA

Location Review: It’s fine. Overall like the vibes but I didn’t think the food was all that.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

For whatever reason, I had a week that I was popular on the apps. So like any slut would do, I scheduled the date for the day after another at the very same restaurant because fuck it.

Harold appealed to me because low key, he seemed like he had his shit together. Worked in some kind of banking/finance, was working on his MBA, and managed to ask me questions while we chatted on the app.

When I walked up to him, I was happy with what I saw. He was tall and decently attractive. We grabbed our seats at the bar and when we got talking, the chemistry wasn’t completely there. It’s not that anything was horribly wrong, I just wasn’t 100% sold.

I will say, we were talking about what we were looking for and he gave me the classic, “I don’t want to force anything. I really just want to see where things go blah blah blah”. Barf. I clapped back with, “You know you can just say you’re not ready for a relationship, right?”. He laughed. I didn’t. You’re 31 and don’t know if you want a relationship or not? Buh-bye.

The nail in the coffin though happened once we left the restaurant. Up until this point, I wasn’t entirely feeling it but I wasn’t 100% put off. When we got outside he kissed me and he made the loudest slurp noises I have ever heard in my life. How on a busy road could I hear this man slurp while he made out with me? Ick was acquired and that was the end of that.

Encounter #85.2 – The Carpenter

App: Bumble

Name: James*

Date Location: Assembly – Quincy, MA

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – It’s fine. Overall like the vibes but I didn’t think the food was all that.

Date Duration: 3.5 hours

What Happened:

I couldn’t explain it but I was so excited to see James again. It had been a fucking minute since I genuinely wanted to see someone and the banter we had back and forth was just so fun.

It was my turn to pick the date so went for some Taco Tuesday action. Like last time, conversation just flowed. We already had some inside jokes going so we kept roasting each other and making the other laugh. At one point while he ordered, he stopped the waitress and asked if he could mod his order so his could be made with love. It’s not even that funny but he said it so deadpan that I had to laugh.

But really, not much to report on this one. He walked me to my car again (parallel parking is hard!) and since it was cold and I was so far, I offered to drive him up to where he was. And friends, James proved himself to be a worthy counterpart. As soon as we got in the car he put his hand behind my neck, into my hair, and pulled me in for a kiss. Then we started making out and he lightly choked me which was so stupid hot oh my god. Just very dominant and I was super into it.

I drove him back and it wasn’t long after I got home that we made plans to go out again that weekend.

Encounter #85.1: The Carpenter

App: Bumble

Name: James*

Date Location: Coop’s – Quincy, MA

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – It’s a dive. You’ll be partying next to some 50-something named Richard but the drinks are decent.

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

In a moment of loneliness, I fell victim to purchasing Bumble Premium yet again. James was one of the few winners during this time.

To be honest, I didn’t take a good look at his profile before meeting up. He met my “requirements” and at that point in time, that was enough. We had a good back and forth going on the app which translated to text so when he asked if I wanted to go out, I immediately said yes.

He offered a dive bar and something a bit classier but since I am trash, picked the dive route. He beat me there and the bar was full so I had no idea who I was really looking for. I called him, a man turned around, and that was not what I signed up for. Fuck it. Already there. Could stay for a drink.

When I got home I looked at his profile and saw what happened. Most of his pics had this other guy in them so I just assumed the other guy was who I was meeting up with and I just didn’t look close enough.

Despite not being the most attractive, James delivered. We just had a solid banter and he took the time to ask questions. He had grown up in the area and then got into construction so he ended up going down to Florida to flip houses for a while. Eventually, he made his way back up to MA and did tiling and caulking jobs. He lived maybe 10/15 minutes from me and did not vote republican. Really, couldn’t ask for more.

I just liked talking to him and there was an interesting sexual tension between us that I wanted to explore. I can’t explain it but we had an energy there that I hadn’t had in a while. I don’t know if it was because we were polar opposites or if it was from all the Coronas we chugged but, it just felt like we were equally interested in the other and he had this air about him that drew me in.

We drank quite a bit and he covered everything. We shut the bar down so he walked me to my car around the corner (I can’t parallel park). I was cold so he put his arm around me which felt so good. It’s small, but those are the things that make me feel important.

As expected, when we got to the car we had a *tasteful make-out. Nothing too crazy but definitely left us both wanting more. So when he asked if we could go out again a few days later, I couldn’t say no.

Encounter #84.1: Basketball

App: Tinder

Name: Jeffrey*

Date Location: Acapulcos – Quincy, MA

Location Review: 2.0 Stars – You want a Mexican family restaurant that tastes like white people made the food? Look no further.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Jeffrey was a winner of “How Hot Can I Bag” to put it simply. There was no reason why this model of a human would swipe right on my ass but there we were.

There was some delay in us meeting up. I got sent out to travel for work earlier than expected and then with a delayed flight, it made us text for longer than I’d like. That said, the conversation leading up wasn’t particularly anything. We covered general stuff but we were by no means up each other’s assholes. He used to play basketball at the college behind my apartment and lived with a former teammate. He used to own a house but sold it to move back up here and he played Call of Duty on occasion. Really, nothing out of the ordinary.

Finally, my ass landed back in Boston and we made plans to go out. He picked this random ass restaurant that I remembered from local tv ads as a kid. Just an interesting vibe for a first date.

He looked as good as his photos and quickly I realized that was all he really brought to the table. The conversation was terrible. I was carrying the team on my damn back and he at no point volleyed a question my way.

At one point, he got up to use the bathroom and I went to text my friend about how shitty it was. It was then I realized we had only been out for 32 minutes. 32. Fucking. Minutes. That’s not even a whole episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I was planning on leaving when he came back but he suggested food and I was broke so I went for it.

It just went downhill from there. We started at “What are you looking for?” which I was very up front about. He then responds by telling me he’s looking to settle down and felt like it’s time since he’s getting older. Two beers later we ended at him asking if I was into rough sex and ever had a threesome. He then shared how he had a threesome with his best friend but based on the timeline, he had a girlfriend who was not the girl he was telling me about. So thank you for telling me how you cheated on your girl.

He then shared that he had pregamed the date. I asked if it was because he was nervous. Nope. Just wanted to be buzzed before he got there. I get it. But why are you telling me this?

It was time for me to go and he insisted on walking me to my car. Fuck. Was hoping to ditch him. When we got to the car I tried my hardest but couldn’t escape. We made out. I mean the make out was fine but it wasn’t good enough to make up for everything else.

When I got home, I got the drunken “Come throughhh” text. Nope. Too old for this shit. Blocked. Unmatched. Done.

Encounter #82.2: Brazil

App: Hinge

Name: Joao*

Date Location: Apartment

Location Review: N/A

Date Duration: 16 hours

What Happened:

My day sucked and I already had one hookup that day so figured I should keep the hoe train going. Joao had been texting me consistently since the first time we went out and I mentioned that I was planning on guzzling a bottle of wine since the day was trash. I was already 2 glasses in and felt ballsy so I asked him to come over so I wouldn’t be drinking alone. He agreed.

It’s important to note that Joao was adorable AF. He brought over a bag of pita chips for us to munch on and was a good sport about me serving him half burnt, gluten-free, frozen pizza. Actually, when the smoke alarm went off he was kind enough to show me how to put it on hush mode.

We watched a movie and the whole time I didn’t know where he stood. I was slightly buzzed but by no means drunk enough to make the first move. As the movie went on I slowly started leaning my leg on his. Eventually touched his arm. And after a movie and 3 episodes of Brooklyn 99, he kissed me.

This kiss turned into an immediate make-out and me getting on top of him. Before I knew it, he was on top of me and started eating me out. Holy shit. He knew what he was doing.

I reciprocated and we just kept making out. It was late so I asked if he wanted to stay the night provided we don’t fuck. He agreed.

So we went to my room and he continued laying work down on me. He had told me previously that he was a giver and got more out of getting a girl off. He was not lying.

After we hooked up he cuddled up with me and I felt something on my face. Our boy laid down a forehead kiss. Fucking melted.

We hooked up again in the morning and then went our separate ways to work. And he still continued to talk to me. We saw each other pretty much every week for a few months but it didn’t seem like it was going anywhere. Yes, he would feed me but, we never went out in public together. Actually, the only time we ever did was our first date which felt painfully familiar to me.

Out of nowhere, I felt this kind of energy shift that I can’t explain. Nothing happened between us but it just felt like he didn’t want to do whatever we were doing anymore. I forget what it was that I texted him. Wasn’t anything significant by any means but, I never heard from him again.

Encounter #83.1: Funny Guy

App: Tinder

Name: Jake*

Date Location: Apartment

Location Review: N/A

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

I just want to start off by saying, I know this was a poor idea.

Now that we got that disclaimer out of the way, I had seen Jake’s profile before on Tinder several times. Now I don’t like to trust the Tinder algorithm but I figured if he kept showing up, we should have a decent amount in common so I swiped right.

The algorithm wasn’t entirely wrong. He lived maybe 5 minutes from me and also had a passion for comedy. The banter we had going on the app translated to text really well and was A1. He was very funny, was clear about wanting a relationship, and also read relationship/psychological theory books for fun. Very oddly similar.

We FaceTimed one night and I’ll be honest, I was not 100% sold. Got some Brooklyn hipster vibes in that he didn’t necessarily look like he showered and he had a man bun. But, his face wasn’t bad and personality was making up for it. Weirdly enough he also had the same weird astrology apps as I did so we added eachother and were extremely compatible.

We made plans to get drinks later during the week but one day, I had the worst day at work. Full crying, panic attacks, the whole thing since I fucked something major up. We were texting throughout and he offered to come over and cuddle me since I was so stressed out. Should I have said yes? Nope. Did I anyways? YUP. I was very clear that we weren’t having sex and he was fine with that so I went with it.

When I opened the door he looked even more hipster than he did on FaceTime. Ew. My standing desk is opposite the door so when I went back to my computer to finish up something he came up behind me and hugged me which no lie, felt so fucking good. I love tender, non-transactional touch like that and I hate to say it, it felt comfortable with him.

We chit chatted a bit while I finished some work and eventually I joined him on the couch. As expected, within a few minutes we started making out and next thing I knew I was sitting on top of him while he gave me a hickey. We didn’t end up sleeping together but based on the work he laid down, we probably would have had a good time. While we were making out, he’d press his hands into my hip flexors and my spine which just felt so fucking good. The release of tension was borderline orgasmic in itself. All I will say is that we were the same brand of disgusting and I was a fan of his work.

At one point I had to deal with a work thing so we took a break from the make out and got back to chit chatting. This is where shit got weird. I got back to the couch and genuinely tried to get to know him and mentally we just weren’t on the same plane. I don’t know if he was having a manic episode or what but, it just felt like he was on another plane that was moving a lot faster than the one I was on.

I forget what he said but I let out a “Hmmph” and he snapped back at me, “Don’t do that again. My ex used to do that and it would piss me off”. Ummmm kay. Then he scrolled through TikTok while I was still attempting to talk to him which was super rude.

My work computer made a noise and I made some comment about how I needed to take care of that so he got the hint to go. We kissed a little bit at the door but he was getting too handsy considering the vibe.

We didn’t talk the rest of the day and I didn’t hear from him until the next day when I got this text:

I mean cool, whatever. Got me out of an awkward night of drinks that I no longer wanted to go on. So I went to the bathroom, took a spoon to my hickeys, and may have hit someone else up.

Encounter #82.1: Brazil

App: Hinge

Name: Joao*

Date Location: Spettus Brazilian Steakhouse & Fowler House Cafe – Quincy, MA

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – The parking lot gave me food poisoning vibes but everything was fine. Apparently as far as Brazilian BBQ goes, it’s okay but the food was cheap.

3.5 Stars – It’s your basic sports bar. Has cozy atmosphere though.

Date Duration: 9 hours

What Happened:

My “bar” at this point in time was at a historical low so it was very refreshing to match with someone who genuinely wanted to talk to me. Not too long into chatting on the app we moved to text and conversation was easy. Joao even would remember shit I said and then follow up on it days later. For example, I told him I was getting my booster shot whatever day and this kid texted me the day of to wish me luck and see how I was going. Just very sweet.

We texted nearly nonstop so we covered decent ground going in. I did know that he had a breakup recent-ish and that it was a long-term thing since he got a dog with his ex around 2017ish and she ended up keeping it. But we’re also 30 so not too shocking at this point. We did have similar taste in music though. Both of us bump Daughtry more than we should admit and it was fun sending song recs back and forth. He also has struggled with weight and body image in the past which was extremely comforting on my end. I don’t find a lot of men truly “get it” so it was refreshing to talk to someone who could sympathize.

Finally, it came time to meet up and he offered to come close to me which I always appreciate. Since he is Brazilian, BBQ came up quite a bit and since he knew the ropes he offered to take me. There was only one Brazilian place by me and there were questionable yelp reviews, but fuck it. We were in it together.

The parking lot looked like a place where I’d get food poisoning no lie. But, I saw Joao in the parking lot, and not only did he look like his pics, he was cute. Very tall and had a broader build so I felt like a lady.

We got in and he talked me through everything. Also was super hot when he ordered for me in Portuguese. Oh my god. I know he was just ordering chicken but it sounded so sexy and I kept staring at him like a loser.

We sat down to eat and conversation was just as easy as it was over text. So easy, that we were at the restaurant for a solid 5 hours. Politically, we had the same views and it was clear he knew his shit. Also, we got a little deep. It came up at some point that I had been with someone for 6 years from high school into college and that’s when he gave me a little more about himself. That relationship he had told me about over text, was his ex-wife. They had been together for 12 years, 4 of which they were married, and it ended when she cheated on him. So when I asked him if he had any bad dates this explained why he didn’t have much to say. He really never dated.

I didn’t mind this. If anything, it kinda made him hotter. I know I am jaded AF so to be with someone who really had no idea what to expect and is “house trained” so to speak, was refreshing.

Since we had been at the restaurant so long we heard the music start repeating, I asked if he wanted to go to a bar down the road. At this point, I didn’t know how he felt about me but he agreed so I guess I was in the clear.

The next place went similarly. We talked and talked and talked until the bar closed down. He had parked behind me so we walked together. I kept giving him the eyes not sure what to expect. We hugged, which considering he had never really dated I took as a good sign, and I was happy to see his name pop up on my phone when I got home.

Encounter # 81.1: The Therapist

App: Bumble

Name: Allen*

Date Location: Sweetgreen & Yvonne’s – Boston, MA

Location Review: N/A – It’s fine. Food was good but not a religious experience by any means.

3.5 stars – Had a warm, intimate aesthetic and the cocktails were good. Just pricey on food

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

I don’t know if Bumble knew I was desperate or just wanted to throw a bitch a bone but, I was offered Premium for a discounted price. Normally I don’t believe in paying for dating apps but I figured for $15 I could hedge my bets. If you’re a Bumble fan, the premium may be worth it. Not really for seeing who already likes you (apparently fuggo men with no solid job are what I attract) but, for the filters.

Did I swipe through all men in the Boston area who wanted a relationship, were over 5’7″, between the ages of 27-34, and voted liberal? Yes. Very quickly. But it was nice having the app do all the sifting for me.

During this period I matched with Allen. There wasn’t anything on his profile that particularly stood out but he matched the requirements and conversation on the app was decent. We exchanged numbers and texting was kept to a minimum which was fine but he did follow up a lot to be sure we were on for that Saturday.

He worked as a therapist for families and young adults specifically, young men. One night he called me between clients and we chatted for about an hour and it was good. Just very easy and he gave me an insane amount of lay-ups for jokes so I wasn’t going to complain. We also went over the itinerary for the date that weekend and he suggested dinner/drinks in Chinatown, go shoot pool, and then maybe hit up this bar he thought looked cool if we were up for it. Solid ass plan. Seemed like a good date.

The plan was for me to meet him at Downtown Crossing. I beat him there and he called me to tell me he was running late because of an accident. Fine. There’s a Macy’s. I can entertain myself. He called me again about 10 minutes later saying he was close but that it would probably be easier just to pick me up. I mean weird. I don’t normally get into a car on the first date but figured fuck it, he’s a therapist. If I died, it would be newsworthy and destroy his career. What did I have to lose?

He parked and walked over to me. Solid 5. Nothing amazing lookswise, but not horrible. Definitely have done worse. Once we got in the car he asked if I was fine with going to Sweetgreen. I mean sure but that is not Chinatown nor is it really a date place. That is a quick lunch with the girls between meetings spot. I wasn’t going to be a pain in the ass though so I agreed.

He didn’t want to go to the one in Downtown Crossing though so we drove over to the one in Copley. Why? I couldn’t fucking tell you.

In the car ride over, he kept teasing me because I didn’t know where anything in Boston was. I had only moved there a few months ago BUT OKAY YEAH WHY AM I NOT THE MAYOR?

As we were driving, the area looked familiar so I asked him if there was a nightclub nearby. Then the following conversation took place:

“Yeah, Royale is around the corner.”

“Cool, that’s what I thought.”

“I performed there once. Remember the video I showed you?”

“…what video?”

“The one of me break dancing.”

*Hands me his phone and makes me watch a 7-minute video of said performance*

Then he kept referencing his “crew” and I was too stunned to speak. I got the ick. I got the ick HARD. There is something about a 34-year-old, 5’7″ white man telling you about his passion that is break dancing. I was dying. At one point I asked him if they wore any special type of shoes. His answer? “Nah, just a pair of kicks. Oh! I mean sneakers.” Vomit in my mouth.

We got to Sweetgreen and if you’re not familiar, it’s more or less salad Chipotle. Right before we got to the register he says out of nowhere, “Do you mind going dutch on this?” Double ick. If I liked him, I may not have cared that much but there is something about a man suggesting salad on a first date and then not offering to pay that rubs me the wrong way. If we were at a Chili’s, whole different story. I’ll pay for my half. But a fast-food salad place? Seemed weird.

Despite all that ick, the conversation was good in that I got to talk about myself nearly the entire time. I tried asking him questions and he’d either skirt them or just give me a basic enough answer to satisfy me and then talk about me again.

At some point, he asked if I liked art so next thing I knew I was being carted to the South End to look at some galleries. Not really my jam but, I was nowhere near my train station to go home and I had nothing else to do. When we got there, the ick progressed. Maybe he is illiterate but, all these places had signs saying they were closed. And yet, Allen would go up to every door and try to open it which felt embarrassing for no reason.

We found one gallery that was open so we chit-chatted between artists’ rooms. He kept dodging my questions though. At one point I asked him if it was hard dating as a therapist since you can see so many red flags so early on. All he had to say was it was only hard to date another therapist because it would get too clinical. He then threw in that talking to me felt like talking to a normal person. I clapped back that it was because of my mental illness.

At another point, I asked if he owned his own practice or was working for someone since he mentioned he started his own business. Instead of answering my question, he handed me a business card. I mean that didn’t answer the question but thanks?

Speaking of business cards, in nearly every single artist room we went into this man would ask for the artist’s card. This made no sense to me because if you can’t afford to pay for my mediocre Sweetgreen, I don’t think you can afford a $5,000 painting. BUT I DIGRESS.

As we left the galleries he asked me about dating in NYC and in NH. I told him NY was hard because I wanted to get married and have a family and no one else did. I was raised a certain way and that was what I wanted. Then he asked me how I was raised in a tone I knew very well. It’s a tone I hear every other Tuesday. That is the tone my fucking therapist uses. Fuck. This.

He then asked me about my previous relationships and said in that fucking tone, “It sounds like you really cared about these people.” NO FUCKING SHIT. If I am letting someone inside me that much, yeah. I’m probably going to care a bit. We were dating.

When we got back to the car he mentioned getting drinks and I was trying to angle to go home. I said I needed to get back to my car before midnight so it wouldn’t get towed so I had to be mindful of time to get the train. He then insisted that he would drive me back to my car and refused to take no for an answer. He said, “I like opportunities where I get to assert myself as a gentleman.” No idea where that energy was when I got my salad but there was no way around it. I was locked in.

We ended up going to the higher-end bar he mentioned in our phone call and he made a point to cover my drink. The bar itself was cute. He was not though. He got drunk after 1 drink. ONE. And then he said he was a lightweight. Well no fucking shit but also if you knew this, why would you slug a drink that fast? No joke, I was maybe 1/4 through mine and I tend to chug. He also kept trying to lean towards me or touch my arm and I was recoiling into the woman next to me.

At this point, he was slurring his words slightly and then started telling me why men are emotionally unavailable. Allegedly, it’s because they feel if they open up they won’t be seen as useful so they end up abandoning themselves. Bitchhhhh, I am not the person to have that conversation with. Just need to read one of these fucking posts to know how I feel about men.

He then asked if I wanted to go salsa dancing after I finished my drink. No. I was fucking done with this marathon of ick. I hit my limit so I made up some bullshit that my Advil I took post-COVID booster was rubbing off and I needed to head back. He agreed to take me home and then took SO LONG to walk to the front door of this bar. I swear the universe went into slow motion for a minute. Then, as we were leaving and I could see the door to salvation he stopped. And you know what this fucker did. HE ASKED THE HOST FOR THE BAR’S BUSINESS CARD. WHY? WHAT IS THIS MAN’S OBBSESSION WITH BUSINESS CARDS?

In the car on the way to where I parked, he asked if I felt more romantic or friendship vibes. I didn’t want to be a bitch to his face so I said I really didn’t know. He said the same. I said, “Oh, that’s FIIIIIINE”, a bit too loud because he then made a comment that I should say it a bit louder for the cars behind us to hear.

He went on to say, “I think we should keep exploring this and see if we can figure out if it’s friendship or romantic. So, I propose we go out again and be mindful of physical boundaries. Keep it to just hugging and see how it goes.” BARF. So fucking clinical. If you have to say that, it’s not a romantic connection in the least.

He dropped me off, we hugged, and I didn’t hear from him the next day so I thought I was in the clear. 3 days later he asked me to hang out again and I, politely, shut that down.