Encounter #77.1: Landscaper

App: Tinder

Name: Ethan*

Date Location: Portsmouth Gaslight Company – Portsmouth, NH

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Always good food and a good time

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

As soon as we matched on Tinder, Ethan just seemed so fucking fun. He was very high energy and it didn’t take long for him to ask me out. Only problem was I was going to be on vacation for a week so it was going to be a minute until we could see each other.

He kept up with texting me and all that in the week leading up and conversation over text was good. Nothing too spicy, always asked how my day was, and we would dick around here and there. As we got closer to the date it did seem like he was legitimately planning something so that was nice.

Going in, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. He looked shorter in his pics but he did look cute. (He also did look a touch fratty but it was confirmed that he did not do the Greek life back in the day.) He was definitely into sports and shit so that’s always a toss up. Was he a bro or did he just like bro things?

He beat me to the restaurant and I was pleasantly surprised that when he stood up he was taller than me. Ka. Chow. He was also cuter in person. He had really big eyes, dark hair, and some full lips that I thoroughly planned on making out with later.

Conversation overall was decent. There were a few silences but nothing all that concerning. He seemed to have a decent head on his shoulders. He worked full time as a landscaper and had a good relationship with his mom. All in all not bad.

I was just so excited he fed me that when he asked if I wanted to keep hanging and get a drink on the water I was dumbfounded. WTF is this? A guy wanting to take me out like a person? Weird. But that’s on my NYC trauma.

We just kept chatting away and when we finished he still wanted to hang out so we walked to a park that was on the water. We stood at the water’s edge and I kept making the eyes. There would be small breaks in conversation and I was just WAITING for him to make the move. I suggested we park our asses on the bench behind us and he immediately put his arm around me. Good, good. This is progress.

Within moments we kissed and it was fucking good. Like full make out for minutes straight off that first move. If we weren’t in a public park, things definitely would have happened. I may have given an over the pants hand job and he definitely got all up in my chest. Wasn’t mad.

He did ask me to go home with him which I declined and he was cool about. Tbh, that just made him hotter since he passed the Gobstopper Test. We spent the rest of the night chatting, making out, and trying to avoid anyone seeing us sucking major face.

We covered quite the ground between make outs. To start, our strip club experiences. Then we went into art and how we like to buy when we travel. Then it came out that I wear gps tracking jewelry when I go out in case shit goes haywire and I need to let my friends know. And we rounded it out with if he’s an ass or tits guy to which he responded, “Tits are AIDS”.

It was late and he walked me back to my car holding my hand the whole way. I then fucking embarrassed myself because it took me an oddly long time to find my damn car. Once we found it we made out more and I was on my way. To my surprise, he texted me that night saying he had fun and then asked to see me again. Not too shabby.

Encounter #76.1: Navy

App: Tinder

Name: Kurt*

Date Location: Dovetail – Charlestown, MA

Location Review:  4.5 Stars – Drinks were great. Food was tasty. Would 1000% go back.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Kurt appeared to be cute in his profile and was someone who not only could keep a conversation going on the app but, he kept it interesting. He asked unique questions and it seemed like he truly wanted to get a sense of who I was, my values, and what I was looking for. Not bad.

He gave me a date and place to meet and when I saw the menu I was pretty excited. I don’t normally drive down to Boston during the week but for that menu, I could make an exception. He beat me to the restaurant and as I approached him it looked like he put some real effort into his appearance that day. My dude had a fitted button down, nice pants, whole thing.

Overall Kurt was really kind. He grew up with a single mom and very much respected women because of that. He had an interesting history and it was clear he really had to bust his ass to get where he is now. He used to do video editing for a local college back in Denver but with COVID had to shift gears and decided to join the Navy.

Despite that, there was just something off. I didn’t know if he was just an awkward person or if it was because he was from the midwest but it just wasn’t working for me. He also had an interesting dating history in that he didn’t have any whatsoever and he did tell me that he was a virgin. Nothing wrong with that but, just not something I am looking to jump into.

He walked me to my car at the end of the night and we hugged good bye. Because he was so nice I felt like I should text him rather than ghost. I said my piece, let him down easy, and that was the end of that.

Encounter #75.2: Shmeh

App: Bumble

Name: Marty*

Date Location:  Pipe Dream Brewing & Mel’s Funway Park – Londonderry & Litchfield, NH

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – It’s decent. I like tacky ass theme golf so Mel’s doesn’t quite deliver on that but still a solid mini course.

4.0 Stars – Good vibes. Good beer.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Marty and I had a decent enough time when we went out the first time so even though I wasn’t 100% sold and into him, figured it was worth giving him another shot. He was golfing in my area of the state so we decided to get a few beers when he wrapped.

I wish I had more for you but really it was just meh. We kinda just covered the same things we talked about during our first date. We were talking trash about each other’s golf games though and he brought up going to Mel’s for some mini golf.

Game was fine. We kept dicking around and things got slightly more flirtatious but nothing too exciting. He touched my lower back and that’s about it.

When we left he did make a comment that our dates were getting expensive and it was like $60 every time we went out. Here’s the thing. I really don’t care how much money a guy has. BUT if you can’t afford to do something, don’t ask me to do it with you. We didn’t have to go golfing. We didn’t even have to get beers. We could have grabbed coffee and gone for a walk. That one is on you Marty.

Later that night he asked me if I’d come over and watch a movie. Declined that invite. In the following days sent the text saying “You’re great but not for me” and he felt the same. We never spoke again.

Encounter # 75.1: Shmeh

App: Bumble

Name: Marty*

Date Location: El Rincon & Bonfire – Manchester, NH

Location Review:  3.0 Stars – Meh. Service was slow and it wasn’t anything special to ride home about. For NH I guess it’s fine.

2.5 Stars – It’s aight. If you really like country, you’ll probably like it but during the week it’s quiet. Does have live music on weekends that’s not bad though.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Marty and I talked on Bumble awhile back, he ended up meeting someone, and let me know. Well apparently that didn’t work out because he messaged me about a month or so after that.

Talking to him was easy and it wasn’t long until he asked me out for tacos and margs. Overall, the date was fine. The server did take like 20 minutes to get our drink order so there was a lot of awkward silence that could have been made easier with some booze.

Once we got some alcohol things were easier conversation wise. He was working with his dad in his father’s carpet cleaning business but was going to go to physical therapy school in the fall so he had goals. Did think it was kinda weird though that he still lived with his parents and wasn’t all that pressed to get out. If he wasn’t going to school I’m really not sure if he would have left tbh.

We managed to get a banter going and he asked if I wanted to keep hanging out. We moved to another bar and kept chit chatting. Really, nothing interesting. I would say weird shit just to see how he’d react and every time I did it he’d just chuckle a little so not an awful time on my part.

He walked me to my car and to my surprise, kissed me good night. No make out or anything. Just a perfectly respectable kiss with a slight hand hold. At this point in time I was trying a new thing that if I had a nice time, I would give the guy a second chance. So when he asked me to go out again, I agreed.

Encounter #74.2: Deez Nuts

App: Tinder

Name: Peter*

Date Location: The Hidden Pig – Haverhill, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – The dry rub wings? Fucking magic.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

I was dead inside. Peter was there. He offered to take me out for food. I said yes. I met him at his place and we had some time to kill before our reservation. So we ended up making out very aggressively, me blowing him, and him finishing on my chest…I had been there 10 minutes.

After some clean up, we drove over to the restaurant together. Despite us having different values, he was extremely easy to talk to. There was never any awkward silence and genuinely, I did enjoy talking to him so dinner went fine.

When we got back to his place we cuddled up on the couch and watched some Netflix. I did notice though that he’d ask for my opinion and then completely disregard it. He asked me what I wanted to watch and before we settled on Netflix I saw a tile for South Park. That was shot down. We got to Netflix and he asked me again and I saw something that looked good. That was also shot down. Bro, why bother even asking me my opinion if you’re just going to do whatever the fuck you want anyways?

We settled on Sex/Life and watched a few episodes. Then he asked me if I wanted to continue what we were doing earlier upstairs. Fuck it.

It was uhhh not great. At first things were fine. He was doing stuff to me but the issue was that it lasted about 2 minutes. We were upstairs maybe 5 minutes and he already reached for a condom. I asked for more and he just kinda rubbed my clit for a sec and that was it. We started fucking and it just wasn’t all that great because quite frankly it was entirely about him and his ego. Since he blew a massive load earlier, he wasn’t having luck finishing so he asked if I’d lick his balls again.

Hoping that last time was a fluke, I agreed. A few minutes in it started. “You like deez nuts?”. I dried up instantly. There was a moment when I was down there that I thought to myself, “Laura, if you end up dating and marrying this guy you’ll have to hear this for the rest of your life” and I couldn’t do it. It took everything in me not to bust out laughing.

I left not too long after and decided that that was the end of this run. I will say, for someone who claimed to be such a gentleman this fucker didn’t text me the day after we had sex. Actually he didn’t text me for a week until he asked at 8pm if I’d come over to Netflix and chill. Hard. Pass.

Encounter #73.2: Home Team

App: Tinder

Name: Owen*

Date Location: Murphy’s Taproom – Manchester, NH

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – I’ve been a few times over the years and it’s fine. The deck is really nice though.

Date Duration: 3.5 hours

What Happened:

Owen asked me out for a second date the next morning after our first. This further confirmed to my anxious ass that he was into me. Cool. This was new.

We made plans to get lunch the day after a holiday. Going in, I was kind of shocked. We both liked to drink so lunch after a day of guzzling beer was a flex. The next morning I asked what time he wanted to meet up so I could dry out my hair. We ended up pushing back until 5 that evening.

Honestly, there wasn’t too much to say about the date itself. What I liked about Owen was that he genuinely listened to what I had to say. We were talking about something in higher education and he was fully present and let me nerd out. We just kept talking about any and everything and it was really easy to connect.

At one point we talked about red flags we ignored but plowed through anyways. I said a guy tried to hook up with me while I was actively having a nervous breakdown. Apparently that was pretty fucked up in his eyes. I knew my shit related to relationships wasn’t great. I’ve allowed a lot of things that I’m not proud of. But it was an eye opening experience having someone, especially a man, see how it was wrong and be able to empathize.

He worked a weird shift so we had to call it after a few hours. He walked me to my car and then it happened. He did the look and with no hesitation, he went for it. We made out for a solid 5 minutes in the middle of the parking lot in daylight no less. Between make outs he asked if I wanted to go back with him which I declined and he was completely cool with. Instead we solidified that we would go out again when he got back from traveling in the coming weeks. With a smack on the ass, he sent me on my way.

Encounter #74.1: Deez Nuts

App: Tinder

Name: Peter*

Date Location: Buono Bistro – North Andover, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – So nice and very classy! Would absolutely go back to try some of the entrees. They looked amazing.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

You know how when you’re hungry you shouldn’t go to the grocery store? Same idea applies to using dating apps when you’re lonely.

I swiped right on Peter during one of those nights where I just wasn’t feeling fantastic so when he messaged me and asked if I’d like to get dinner the next night I wasn’t expecting much. Tbh I didn’t even remember his profile so figured I’d just say “Fuck it” and go for the meal.

The restaurant he picked looked v nice so was excited at least for that part. When he got out of the car he was a bit more petite than I thought he’d be. Not unattractive but I had a solid 2 inches and 25 pounds on him. Fuck it. I was already there.

We got seated in a booth and he ordered a bottle of wine and an app for us to share off the bat. AIGHT. It didn’t take much for him to give me the life story. He worked in finance and recently bought a condo. Definitely had much more traditional views than me especially when it came to gender roles in a relationship. Politically he was a, “I think we need to come together…I didn’t like Trump as a person but fiscally he made more sense” types. So take that as you will.

He also was relatively fresh out of a relationship so that was a fun thing to hear about. Basically, he dated this 21 year old girl (he was 28), she felt that the relationship was moving too fast, and she freaked out. Totally get it. She was a baby and he was talking about her moving in and eventually getting married. Just different walks of life. He did mention though that he normally dates in that 21-23 range but then also didn’t understand why that wasn’t working out. K. You do you, Peter. But he did say that he was totally fine to start dating again and be out with me because he hadn’t thought about her all week. What a flex.

Now I can’t explain how the rest of this happened but all I can do is chalk it up to I felt dead inside and just wanted to see wtf would happen out of sheer boredom. If you’ve ever dated a lot, you may know this feeling all too well. You’re truly just numbed out and want to see if you can feel anything. Could be happiness could be disgust. Just want to see how dead you are. (Disclaimer: I go to therapy and shit regularly. It’s really fine).

Throughout the night, I did notice he was constantly staring at my tits. I mean I get it but be less obvious. He was also moving closer to me in the booth. We were talking love languages and I said mine was physical touch and he started holding my hand. This man had baby hands like I have never seen before. Wow. Truly a modern marvel.

Somehow we ended up making out in the booth and I was 50 shades of uncomfortable. I’ve waitressed before and this was a nice restaurant. I can guarantee our antics were gossiped about in the kitchen.

I suggested we continue this at my car. He paid the check and let himself into the car. I meant outside of it but okay. I guess we’re doing that. He kept insisting that I go back to his place and I agreed on the basis that we don’t fuck. Apparently that was fine and I went to the condo.

Place was decent. Little bare on the walls but for a man’s place not bad. He gave me the tour and as it always goes, when we made it to the bedroom started making out. I was still on my period so I didn’t get all too much out of it but when do I ever? I made moves to blow him and he asked me to lick his balls. Fine. I’m already down there and about to put a dick in my mouth. Doesn’t make too much of a difference. Then it happened.

He was more vocal in bed than I had been used to which wasn’t necessarily a problem. What I had issue with was what was said. After a few “Oh fucks” he came out with “You like these nuts?”…what? There was no way I heard that right so I just kept going and he said it again. And again. And he didn’t stop until I said “Yeah” which, by the way, is very difficult to say when you have someone’s balls in your mouth.

I was shocked so when he asked to finish on my face I really just kind of went with it. He really said “these nuts” in bed. This couldn’t have been real.

I left shortly after and for whatever reason, agreed to go out with him again.

Encounter #73.1: Home Team

App: Tinder

Name: Owen*

Date Location: Thirsty Moose Taphouse & McGarvey’s – Manchester, NH

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – I like Thirsty Moose for just getting a beer since they have so many options but it’s nothing too too special

5.0 Stars – As someone with no taste or class, I fucking love McGarvey’s. You never leave without a story.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

I have come to find out I have a type and apparently it’s people I know from home who graduated in the class before me. We all have our things…mine is just niche AF.

One night while swiping on ye olde Tinder, I came across Owen. I had seen him on Tinder before during one of the 1000 times I was single back home and I always swiped right. Did I ever have a conversation with him in high school? No. Did I remember I thought he was hot and had a nice family? Yes. Fuck it, I got no shame. After years of failed swipe attempts, we matched.

The lead up to this date took some time. We actually matched on Bumble as well so I sent him the “Ah so we meet again, Catwoman” gif to which he never responded. This did prompt him to reignite our convo on Tinder where he told me he couldn’t place me when we matched on Bumble. I mean I thought it was a good gif and our initial convo on Tinder was fairly memorable BUT I GUESS NOT.

We were chit chatting on the app and eventually the “Where are you from?” convo happened. I played dumb as shit. “Oh you’re from where? When did you graduate? Oh that’s why I don’t know you. Small world!” It was a lie. I knew exactly who this kid was.

After much anticipation (mostly on my part) we agreed on drinks. Actually the day of the date he ended up friending me on Facebook so you know my ass panicked about this smut so I put him, and anyone I thought he was friends with, on a restricted friends list. Did not want this shit coming up off that bat. Although at first it was a little creepy that he found my Facebook, he did clarify that Tinder wasn’t working and all he searched was my first name and where I went to college. A little murdery but fuck it. I asked that if he was going to kill me to just make sure I wasn’t found for a few days so I’d look thinner.

He beat me to the bar and once I saw him he looked different from how I remembered him but also exactly the same. The face and build was the same but now he had a whole sleeve of tattoos which I just didn’t expect. Wasn’t mad about it though. Shit looked good on him.

We took a spot at the bar and got to chatting. The upside to being from the same hometown was that we had a lot to talk about. We knew the same people but also were in very different crowds so we got to fill in the details on those different high school experiences.

The downside of being from the same hometown was also that we knew the same people. I forget how it came up but he worked at the same restaurant my high school boyfriend’s family worked at so we may have spent 15 minutes talking about how much we loved my ex’s mom. Later on, it became pretty clear that his close friends are also friends with another ex I have from my hometown. So that fun little detail of who I dated came out. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Fortunately, Owen was cool about it and didn’t seem weirded out. We did talk about how much we loved that guy’s mom too though. (I didn’t mention the third one from his graduating class I dated. Figured we covered enough of my townie dating life for one night).

Owen was cool as shit though. He was very smart which also made him witty as hell and my flavor of funny. From what I could tell, he had a fairly normal home life and only said nice things about his family. It seemed like he was close with his siblings and that they genuinely enjoyed spending time together. I still don’t quite understand what he did for work but it appeared to provide stable income so that’s always nice to see.

As usual, I couldn’t tell whatsoever if he liked me or not. At one point his knee touched mine. I pulled mine away for a bit then put it back so we were touching again. He didn’t pull away. Interesting. The bar closed earlier than we expected so he asked if I wanted to go back to his place for a drink or go somewhere else. It was at that moment I began to think he may have been into me.

I was trying this new thing where I wasn’t being a whore (shocker), so we went to another bar a few blocks down. We grabbed a table and we just kept dicking around and chatting it up. I made some comment about how I should have tried to get more free drinks when I was in my prime. He came back with, “What do you mean in your prime? You’re in your prime now. No, seriously. You’re very beautiful. Don’t sell yourself short.” <Insert wide-eyed emoji> It was such a nice and kind compliment especially considering that we walked over in the rain so I kinda looked like a sewer rat. But truthfully, I hadn’t heard the words “You’re beautiful” in years or possibly ever from a man. It’s always “You’re cute” or “You look hot” and in that moment I felt like a person and not just a sex object for once. Take note, boys. Words count.

We closed that bar down too so it was time to head home. (This was after a man with face tattoos attempted to talk to me through Owen and then a fight between face tattoos and some rando almost broke out behind us while we were closing out). He offered to drive me the 1 block to my car but I declined since it was such a short walk. (Looking back, I was being an idiot and I should have gotten into the damn car). He then asked if he could get my number. We pulled to the side and he dropped his digits in my phone. I kept staring him down. I had fun, had downed 5 beers, and there were no face masks. Your girl was ready. We hugged. And then I kept staring him down again and we were both stalling. I felt it. He was doing it too. Nothing.

We texted that night when I got home and the next morning he asked me out again a few days later. I didn’t know what to expect from Owen but, I had a genuinely nice time. There was chemistry but not in the toxic, intense way I was used to and I was so curious to see how it would pan out.

Encounter #72.1: Mr. Brown

App: Tinder

Name: Stanley*

Date Location: River Bar – Somerville, MA

Location Review:  4 Stars – We just drank so not sure how it is food wise. Was close to a parking lot and faced water so that was really nice.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

After the trauma of a date the night before, I needed a win. Stanley came off very high energy and fun based on his profile alone and looked like Sterling K. Brown so I was down for whatever. He asked me out for drinks and took the time to find a place with parking so that only got him extra points.

When he walked up, he looked just like his photos and really did look like Sterling. It was wild. I had just come from a baby shower so I was a bit more dressed up than usual. He gave me a hug and immediately went in with, “Damn, look at you! Baby isn’t even born yet and you already stunting on that kid.” I was sold. This was going to be a fun date.

Talking to Stanley was freaky easy. We both love to just shoot the shit so there weren’t any awkward pauses. From what I could tell, he had his shit relatively together. Because of COVID, he had to move back in with his family but he signed on a lease and was moving out by the end of the summer. Stanley went to Boston University and was also a former RA so we had plenty to talk about there and he also worked in marketing. Just endless things to cover.

We were there quite awhile and I wasn’t sure if he was into me or not. Yes, conversation was there but we’re both bullshit artists. Was he just talking to talk, or was there something more?

At one point he reached across the table and tapped my hand while he was talking. Okay, promising. I pushed my hand a little closer towards him and he took the bait. Hand was held. Houston, the ship has landed. Apparently we looked cute together because the waitress kept stopping by and going “Ugh, you guys are so beautiful!” and shit like that.

It was getting late so Stanley held my hand and walked me back to my car. I thought he was going to go for the kiss but instead we had an oddly long hug. When we broke apart he asked if he could kiss me. It was alright. I was coming off the Air Man from a few weeks earlier so in comparison, it just didn’t have that same magic.

We texted here and there in the weeks after but with it being summer, neither one of us was ever free and the spark died naturally.

Encounter #71.1: Guns Blazing

App: Bumble

Name: Ryker*

Date Location: Tiki Rock – Boston, MA

Location Review:  5 Stars – For being a theme bar, this place is pretty damn good. Drinks packed a punch and food was tasty.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Going in to this date, I was excited. Conversation with Ryker was easy on both the app and text. Also his resume going in was pretty impressive. He was a Master Electrician (hello 6-figure salary and ability to fix shit), owned his own home, had a Burmese Mountain Dog, and was just down for fucking anything. Like really, he suggested a ton of shit for our first date and it was all super fun stuff. Also, he made me a quick playlist and his taste perfectly aligned with mine. Life was good.

He suggested going down to Boston and offered to pick me up and drive me down. Although I appreciated the sentiment, I didn’t want to get murdered. We decided to park in East Boston and then meet take the T to the bar.

This is not a huge deal for me. I take public transit all the time. It was though for him. He revealed in the first 10 minutes of meeting that not only has he never been on a plane, he has never taken public transit. This is weird AF to me. You may be thinking, “But Laura, what if he’s from bum fuck nowhere?” He wasn’t. This kid grew up 20 minutes north of Boston. Super weird. He also went on to say that he grew up extremely sheltered and then kept skirting questions about his family. Interesting.

We got to the bar and he insisted on us actually eating which was super refreshing. I got wined and dined. Drinks, apps, entree, whole thing. Over dinner, the red flags began to pop up. He told me about his job and may have included too many stories about him cussing out his employees. Then there were stories of him telling his friends to fuck off. Kayyyyyy.

I forget what we were talking about but he said, “I don’t like rules. That’s why when Biden got elected I went out and bought a bunch of guns so he couldn’t take them away.”…HOKAY. Lots to unpack here. I get that not everyone agrees with my views on this but, I am not a gun person in general but I know that some people are and that’s fine. However, buying a gun because Joe Biden is going to take it from you is just not a reason I can entertain.

I said something to the effect of, “Ohhh okay. Just so you know I’m liberal AF”. To which he replied, “I’m sorry. This is why I don’t like talking politics. I don’t want to do anything to lose you.” Oh this just got 50 shades weirder. Honey, you don’t even remotely have me. Slow your roll. We’re 40 minutes into our first date.

At this point in time, the City of Boston had a policy that you could only stay at a restaurant table for a maximum of 90 minutes. So please keep in mind at this point in time, I had downed easily 4-5 in under 2 hours.

We left the restaurant and since we were so close to the waterfront decided to walk over and chill on a bench. In the 2-block walk over, several things happened.

  1. He held my hand.
  2. He licked my hand
  3. He said, “Shit. Now you’re going to go home and tell your friends that some guy licked your hand”
  4. I thought to myself, “I am definitely going to go home and tell my friends a guy licked my hand”
  5. We were talking about ventriloquism and how not even an ex I dated over a year had seen the tapes. He then asked how big his dick was. Not sure how those two items were correlated, but it happened.

At this point, I was so happy I was drunk because I have no idea wtf I would have done sober. I imagine the date would have ended much sooner.

We made it to a bench and he thought it was a good idea to lay on me. Just no. We were talking about my job search and moving plans and I said that I wanted to move to Boston. He then asked if he’d have to sell his house. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, RYKER. SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL PROBLEM. Also, I DON’T KNOW YOU.

He kept pressing me on why I wanted to move back and I explained that someone close to me had been raped and I was needed back in the northeast. He then asked if she was drinking when it happened. Excuse me? Then he asked if I had been raped. Double excuse me? On what fucking planet is that an appropriate question to ask? To top it off during this period of time, he kept going on and on about how he wanted to find his forever person and get married. I imagine if you stopped asking women if they’ve been raped and licking their hands, your odds would be much better. But I digress.

We sobered up and got back on the train to get to our cars. Now I don’t know what fucking possessed me but, since it was clear he hadn’t seen shit in his life we walked a little bit in East Boston since you get the best view of the Boston skyline. Once again, he started asking me highly personal questions this time about my last relationship. I mentioned that it was really hard for me because as an anxious person who really needs physical touch, it sucked that my ex never wanted that type of affection which would just make my anxiety worse. Ryker went, “Really? I don’t see that from you. You seem to hate being touched.” Nope. Just by you, my dude.

At this point I figured since he had asked me so many personal questions, it was my turn to prod for funnies. I asked what happened in his last relationship and he really didn’t want to answer. I pushed again. “Well, aren’t I just going to find out eventually?” Check mate.

He started by saying that he really doesn’t like telling women this because then they don’t want to talk to him anymore. Off to a great start. From what I gathered, it seemed like the relationship he had with his ex was toxic in general. He said she would hit him and, “I would never put my hands on a woman but plates were broken.” Jury is out on that one but that paired with the cussing out of friends and employees was the nail in the coffin.

Whatever happened with this girl has bled into other relationships. He was dating someone else for a bit, the ex reached out to this girl to tell her about Ryker, and then that girl broke it off with him. He made a point to say he wouldn’t tell me the ex’s name because once that comes out these things start happening. Feeling V SAFE, rn.

He walked me back to my car and we hugged good bye. By the time I got home I got the text asking how he did and if I wanted to see him again. I felt bad. On paper, the resume was there, the guy clearly wanted to meet that special someone, and he was willing to do anything to get that. But it was a no from me. Nagasaki’ed.