Situation #2.3: The EMT Zombie

Name: Gary*

What Happened:

After our last conversation, I couldn’t help but want to stir the pot. After all, this fucker said he wanted to get a beer to reminisce about how we met. Fine. I got drunk the night before Thanksgiving and made my shot.

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Just going to glaze over that? K.

He asked for my Snapchat info and we chatted on and off for the rest of the week. Pretty much, he would only talk to me when he was working. One day, there was a tiny ass earthquake on the east coast. He Snapped me to see if I was okay and needed medical attention. I let him know that I was good and he did the thing again!

He said that if I was in need to let him know, he wanted to see me, blah blah. As it turned out he was headed to Pennsylvania in February and asked if he could crash on my couch on the way down. KAYYYY.

I agreed. TBD on if he ends up visiting let alone staying on the couch.



Situation #2.2: The EMT Zombie

Name: Gary*

What Happened:

I thought Gary and I were done. We had our brief chat in August and aside from likes on Instagram, I had no contact with him.

Mother fucker got me again! I had just came back to my apartment from a date and checked my instagram. He slid into the DMs with “Hey hows life”.

Fuck it, I’m in NY, he’s hot, this is weird. LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS. We made small talk and talked about work. He started a new gig and moved a few towns over. Then he goes in with, “We need to grab a beer someday. We can laugh about how we met haha”. Interesting. 

He then said,

“It was a great story me and my buddies laughed our asses off about that whole call to be honest. Did I ever tell you that I wasn’t supposed to be in the back? I was supposed to drive…Well on the way there my partner offered to tech since I was the paramedic and had already done a few but if you remember I show up for a very attractive girl sitting there half laughing half pouting and you look up and were like ‘hey you’re cute’ and I smiled and said ‘Well you’re very cute yourself’ and my partner just said to me ‘Yeah, I take it you’re teching this one, huh’ haha.”

We bantered a bit and he went on with,

“haha hey you are def one of my favorite patients ever haha. I mean how many times do I get to put a beautiful girl in my ambulance? Not very often I promise”

Between chats I decided to creep up on him. As it turned out, he was at a Halloween party I was supposed to go to in NH. I had no idea how he knew my friends but such a fucking small world. I also saw that he had a photo shoot with his baby (adorable) but then there was picture from the shoot of him kissing some girl. AWK SAUCE. No idea what the status on that was but I found it interesting.

As usual, I responded to his last message and POOF. Gone again.


Situation #2.1: The EMT Zombie

Name: Gary*

Location: An Ambulance

What Happened:

Back in February I was seeing a guy pretty regularly but we weren’t set in stone. One night it was my turn to pick the date. In my infinite wisdom I chose roller skating.

On the date I fell, fractured my arm, drank enough vodka to take the edge off, and managed to fuck the guy twice that night. (How I didn’t get wifed after that, I’ll never know). The next morning I woke up in a lot of pain and couldn’t rotate my arm but damn it, I got shit to do so I went to my little sister’s competition.

While at the competition, I had a physical therapy friend manipulate my arm to see how bad the break was and I passed out from the pain. While I was down they called the ambulance and the most beautiful EMT came to my rescue. So beautiful that I thought FUCK IT and said, “Wow you’re really attractive”. To which he responded, “Thanks, you’re also really attractive”.

We flirted the entire way to the emergency room and he came in to check on me after I had my X-ray. Being the creeper she is, my physical therapy friend found him on Facebook, had me friend him, and we talked the whole weekend.

It turns out Gary used to be in the Army, married young, has a baby, but mom is out of the picture romantically speaking. Despite all this I figured he was hot and if I ever wanted to end it I had the baby as my out.

We talked and talked and talked and then POOF. Never heard from again. Okay, whatever. We never went out anyways and he has a daughter to take care of. (Yet he still to this day likes every single pic I post on Insta)


Boy comes back from the dead.

I had been out of state and was blowing up social media with all the photos. He messaged me to ask what I was up to, how I’ve been, the whole thing. And then POOF. Never heard from again.

I also like being a ghost. But only on Halloween.