Tag: Drunk

Encounter #57.1: Drink, Drank, Drunk

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App: Tinder

Name: Sebastian*

Date Location: A Mexican spot on the Upper East Side, Sugar East & The Jeffrey

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – Drinks and atmosphere were good but service was slow and they close early.

2.0 Stars – Pretentious AF. Attracts a “Gossip Girl” crowd and trust fund babies. Doesn’t serve Bud Light.

4.0 Stars – Tight space but has a ton of craft beer options including cider and has a cozy vibe.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

During a night of “How Hot Can I Bag” Sebastian came across my phone screen and I swiped right immediately. Boy was a snack and somehow we matched.

Conversation with him was easy. Pretty quickly we moved to texting and he kept up. For once, I didn’t have to carry the team and I was excited. He asked me out and plans were set.

He lived on the Upper East Side so I ventured into the city for his ass. I waited outside the bar and was pleasantly surprised that he looked as attractive as his photos. The bar he picked was pretty packed so we walked about a block down to another spot. Despite being physically attracted to him, I wasn’t sure where I stood with him. He wasn’t talking all that much and his voice was kind of flat. Was he just monotone or was he disappointed?

We sat down on some couches and I noticed he put his arm on the cushion behind me. I guess I wasn’t that ugly? The conversation between us wasn’t too bad, it definitely livened up after a drink though. He grew up in Michigan and came from a big, conservative, Catholic family (he stressed the conservative Catholic thing a bit more than I was comfortable with) and worked in consulting. As the conversation went on I realized that not only was his voice that fucking flat but, his arm moved from the couch to my shoulder. Things were getting spicy.

He slowly moved closer and closer and I was slowly losing interest. Things weren’t terrible, I just wasn’t feeling it. Then before I knew it I sucked down 3 sangrias and his face was an inch from mine. We kissed.

It was okay. Nothing earth shattering but I figured I should give him a shot. After all, things weren’t bad and I had already made it all the way out there. May as well get my money’s worth on that subway fare.

We kept chatting and he was getting on my nerves. He wouldn’t let shit go. He found out I did marching band in high school and college and it was “so weird” to be out with me since he was a jock back in the day. *eye roll*

He also wouldn’t stop saying how sexy I was and kept making out with me mid-sentence. Thank you for the compliments, I appreciate it. But, I actually want to get to know your ass. Leave me alone.

For whatever reason, I thought this shit would get better if we moved to another bar. We were sitting on a couch so maybe if we weren’t, he would stop trying to suck out my tonsils. I was wrong.

We moved to yet another bar and at this point I knew I was getting drunk. I backed off and got a beer that was like 4-5% ABV. He went for a stronger beer. Fuck. The whole time he kept making out with me and going on and on and on about how hot I was. (I mean thanks but chill). I signaled to the bartender for the check and this motherfucker wanted to walk out. WTF. I threw my card down and left a solid tip for this poor guy.

To get to the train, we had to walk by Sebastian’s apartment and he kept pulling me to try to get me upstairs. I kept saying no and eventually he backed off and went up solo. As soon as I heard the door click shut behind him I unmatched and blocked that fucker. Good. Night.

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Encounter #11.1: Captain Underpants

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App: Coffee Meets Bagel

Name: Jai*

Date Location: Stout NYC

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – Definitely a cool spot if you’re into beer or watching sports. They have so many options which can be overwhelming though.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

After figuring out we had previously matched on another app (and me remembering that he sent me a pic in his underwear a few months earlier) Jai and I met up for drinks.

Jai was decently attractive. Looked pretty much like his pictures, finished medical school, Italian, tall, and grew up in NY. Not too shabby.

However, he could not plan for shit. He told me to meet him in Penn Station area but did not give me a bar until 10 minutes before I had to head over. Luckily he picked a place I knew how to get to (because I had an awkward date there).

We started talking and I wanted to suffocate him with a pillow. His voice was typical Queens, NY. I love a hard NY accent. I think it’s weirdly sexy. However, some are better than others. Brooklyn accents? HOT AF. His accent? Kinda nasal, whiny, and was basically the male version of Fran Drescher. NOPE.

Despite having a voice that made you want to punch babies, he was a pretty decent time. He was super easy to talk to and I was happy that I didn’t need to carry the team on my back for this one.

Like any date there were a few awkward moments. I had come from a work event that required wrist bands so I already looked like an alcoholic let alone the fact that I chugged an Irish Car Bomb before heading over to meet Jai.

That being said, his moment was worse. He was trying to show me a picture of something but swiped the wrong way. I saw a woman’s naked titties in one photo and something that said “Cannabis” in the other. He apologized but I definitely had more questions than answers on that one.

It was getting late and I had to make my way back to NJ. I hugged him goodbye and he said,

“Oh okay. I was going to go in for the kiss there. You don’t seem into it?”

“I don’t normally kiss someone on the first date. I don’t know, I guess I can make an exception”

Then we made out. Twice. Probably shouldn’t have done that. DAMN IT LAURA, YOU HOE. I was attracted to him on a physical and intellectual level but god damn. That voice. Terrible. Nagasaki’ed.

 

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Situation #4.3: The Twins

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Name: Mike*

What Happened:

After our night at Iggy’s, Mike and I texted constantly. There was more to him than I originally expected. He wrote a lot of material, had scripts up for Netflix, we had similar music taste, and both had an emo phase.

That week I got absolutely tanked with Rebecca and decided to answer his texts under the influence on the way home. 25262728

At the time, I was kinda into him. And I have to admit that it was pretty sweet of him to offer to come to NJ and give my drunk ass Poptarts. But as we kept texting over the weekend, he lost his charm.

I am all for getting drunk. I’m all for getting drunk on a regular basis. But being in your 30s, working part time, and still using funnels to drink beer say a lot about a person. Every single conversation we had was about getting drunk, ways to get drunk, the next time we’d be drunk, etc.

I also found out that his twin was texting Rebecca as well. What got weird was when she told me Mark had screenshotted one of her texts and accidentally sent it back to her rather than Mike. YALL ARE TOO THIRSTY. (Also I don’t want an orgy with Rebecca. We’re friends but no that’s a level of comfort I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for).

When Rebecca and I met up the next weekend we decided that we were both done with our prospective twin. …then we ended up at Iggy’s and ran into them. AWK SAUCE.

Being the smart/sneaky bitches we are, we got the twins to buy us shots and a drink. Then while one was in the bathroom and the other was chatting up a girl we dipped. We ran out of that bar so fucking fast.

I woke up the next morning to a “Where did you guys go?”. Ignored it.

I didn’t hear from him for nearly 2 months after that. The week of Hoboken’s Santacon he slid into my DMs on Instagram asking if Rebecca and I would be there. I left him on read. A month after that he slid into the DMs again after he saw I was watching a Patriots game. Left on read again and haven’t heard from him since. gifr10_6

Situation #5.1: The Point Guard

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Name: Josh

Location: Stumble Inn

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – A lot of good looking men at the Stumble Inn and the drinks aren’t insanely priced. It will just take you a half hour to get a beer.

What Happened:

After finally making a friend on BumbleBFF it was time we got fucking trashed together. Rebecca and I headed up to the Stumble Inn for a night of poor choices. Apparently people give a fuck about the World Series and especially care when the Yankees are playing. (Weird). So the bar was packed and there were quite a few prospects.

Rebecca and I got our drank on and this one guy who I kept waiting in line with would buy us shots each time he went to the bar. By about midnight we were fucked up. Rebecca saw a cute guy but somehow ended up talking to his friend and I took the opportunity to chat with this hottie.

He lived only 10 or so blocks up from the bar, was 30, and used to play basketball. He kept telling me that I was really beautiful and bought us some drinks. In his drunken wisdom, he tried making plans with me for the next day and was so serious about it he almost bought Giants tickets. I talked him out of it and we agreed that we would meet up in Hoboken to watch the game.

He must not have thought I was serious so he asked for my number and texted me immediately to be sure I had his digits. We hit the dance floor and started making out like crazy. (Let it be known that he asked why I was single during this time. I don’t understand why people ask this question because THE FUCK DO I KNOW. YOU TELL ME WHY I’M SINGLE SIR. If you have a decent answer for this please tell me because it’s awkward)

We kept making out and then realized his friend and my friend left which lead to Situation #4.2. But as all drunk plans go, they didn’t happen. I texted him Monday asking how his hangover went and to let me know if he ever wanted to grab a beer. He asked me for my Instagram handle and then I never heard from him again.

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