Encounter #42.1: Albania

App: Bumble

Name: Brayden*

Date Location: City Bistro – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Good ass apps, decent beer selection, feels classy.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

What sold Brayden was that he asked me out by suggesting food. Typically, white guys don’t feed me. I don’t know if it’s a thing, but they usually just want to drink. This guy was talking sweet cold cut love to me and I was very interested.

I waited for him to meet me at the train station. I was on the fence if I thought he was cute going in but he seemed to have a personality. He walked up looking better than I thought. Shorter than expected, but we broke even on height so it wasn’t a big deal.

The plan was to race scooters to the bar. Unfortunately as we were signing them out it started pouring and he offered to drive. This was the second time in a week I was getting into a strange man’s car.

He was really cool despite working in sales. We joked the entire time on the ride up and we weirdly had the same taste in music.

When we got to the bar, this guy ordered us a flatbread and TWO orders of wings. Be still my heart. As I cracked into the wings I made some comment like, “Ohhh probably shouldn’t have picked this for a first date food.” He countered with, “Actually, it’s really attractive that you eat.” DON’T MIND IF I DO.

Brayden was insanely interesting. He was Albanian but was raised in north Jersey. His family had to escape Albania and sewed all the money they had into his dad’s pant leg. When his parents got to Italy, they were asked the purpose of their visit. They had been instructed to say tourism but the officer called their bluff. He basically said, “If you’re here for tourism, where’s you money?” Brayden’s mom was basically playing pocket pool trying to pull money out of his dad’s pants but they got scared and went back. His dad hid the mom and the kids in a monastery while he tried to figure everything out and somehow, they made it to Newark, NJ. Fucking insane. Probably one of the most interesting stories I have ever heard.

We got along really well. We watched nearly all the same shows and had the same joke delivery which was really fun. We kept riffing off each other and making the other laugh. We also had weird things in common like both being in church choir growing up just because we liked the people and wanted to sing.

After crushing a shit ton of food, he suggested going to Ben & Jerry’s for dessert. Hot damn. Feed your way into my heart. We were looking at the counter and he kept going in on stoner jokes which was odd since I didn’t lay down that material. After we got our ice cream we were talking and it came out. He still lived in his parents’ basement and smoked a shit ton. Mmm, going to be a no from me dawg. I don’t really care if you smoke but I do care if you live with your mama and that’s all you do in your spare time.

He needed to get something from his office so we stopped there on the way to dropping me off. Inside, there was a guitar. Earlier that night I mentioned how I loved John Denver. He pulled up the chords for “Country Roads” on his phone and we sang together. He had a voice on him and I was shocked. I didn’t think he picked up those weird things I said.

Unfortunately though at some point during the night, I realized that I was in no way sexually attracted to him. Yes, he was cute. Personality was definitely there but I didn’t want to touch him. I just couldn’t picture it and I didn’t want to lead him on.

He said that he would drive me towards Jersey City so if I wanted to grab another drink we could or, he could drop me off. The way he was driving put us a block from my place so I made up some shit about having to help someone in my cohort with an assignment.

He definitely wanted to kiss me. When we pulled up he put his arms up to hug, I did the swerve for the shoulder, and he kissed me on the cheek. He said he’d wait to be sure I made it inside okay. I said something like, “You just want an excuse to stare at my ass.” He came back with, “Haha, well shit I should just kiss you right now for that one.” I was halfway out the car. I countered with, “That’s showbiz, baby!” and shut the door. Crisis averted.

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Encounter #41.1: Slow Hands

App: Bumble

Name: Chase*

Date Location: The Ashford & Pint – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Cool date spot. The decor makes it feel a little sexy with the velvet wallpaper, happy hour is good, beautiful rooftop, and has a gay bar attached.

4.0 Stars – This is a basic ass bar. Nothing crazy. BUT their drinks are dirt cheap.

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

I had just started using apps again and was being super passive about it. So, I started playing a game on dating apps called, “How Hot Can I Bag” where I would just swipe without reviewing further if I thought the guy was cute. Shitty bio? Fuck it, I’m using you for sex so does it really matter that you watch The Office?

Chase was one of the first winners. His bio was straight shit, clearly copy and pasted from some bullshit website.

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Come on. We’re better than that. But, he responded to my weird ass gif pretty quickly and asked me out. Boom. ITS GAME TIME BABY.

He was going to school for a financial certificate but since his program was in Stamford, we were a bit limited on when we could meet up. The only night that worked for both of us was the Tuesday I was getting my Nexplanon implant replaced after work.

This wouldn’t normally be a big deal for most. After all, it’s an outpatient procedure that takes all of 15 minutes. However, I pass out. A lot. When I got the implant put in 3 years ago, I fainted later that day while I was driving since I freaked myself out. Although I wouldn’t be driving, there was a strong chance I would pass out in front of a strange male at a bar. FUCK IT.

I got the procedure done and that shit was rough. I expected a small incision, easily pulling it out, and shooting the new one in. Oh no, they had to squeeze and push it through the incision to get it out. This triggered my fainting REAL QUICK. By some act of God, I managed to stay conscious even though my vision went black for a sec.

So while I walked to the train to head to the bar, I freaked the fuck out. I still felt weird from the procedure and broke into cold sweats. Then I started freaking out because I was about to go out with a boy. This entirely new chapter of my life was about to start in a matter of 20 minutes. Holy. Shit.

I beat him to the bar, got a glass of wine, and gave myself a pep talk. This was happening. I was there. There was no turning back. If it was bad, I could leave and would be home in 15 minutes. I got this.

Chase came in and he was more attractive than his photos. Hot damn. He was from Brazil so we talked a lot about his family, how he settled in New Jersey, and where the best Brazilian food in the area was. We joked about how this was really for him to get a green card and he joked that we could even get married in New Hampshire. DEAD.

Overall though, he wasn’t that funny but he was definitely hot. I don’t remember much about our conversation but, I remember having that moment where we locked eyes and felt the sexual tension in the air. At one point I felt his knee touch mine so I pressed mine a little bit into his to see if it was an accident or not. He didn’t move. It felt like the hottest moment of an 1800’s love story.

We decided to switch bars and while I was in the bathroom he moved everything we ordered to his tab and paid. My bar for standards was on the floor at this point so I was completely shook.

I made a wrong turn when walking to the next bar. As I pulled my phone out to get directions he kissed me and it was perfect. Honestly, probably the best kiss I’ve ever had. His lips were so soft and he knew the exact amount of tongue to use in that moment and where to put his hands. So we ended up making out…a lot. I ran my hands down his back and it was clear that he was in great shape. Also, even his arms were super fucking soft! This motherfucker had to be soaking in cocoa butter or some shit.

We made it to the second bar and he let me cover the first round. We sat in one of the booths and the sexual tension continued. We were holding hands, playing with each others’ fingers with our legs intertwined. Probably every 15/20 minutes we’d have a quick make out.

Eventually it was time to head out. After all, it was a Tuesday for godsake. I went to make the turn for the train but he insisted on driving me home. I was convinced I would die but YOLO. I survived the Nexplanon, I could survive the trip home.

We made out a lot in his car on arrival and he was doing his best to get the invite him upstairs. But he wasn’t asking like any other guy had before. Instead of saying, “let’s take this upstairs”, he said, “I want to explore your body and kiss you all over.” UHM K. HAI. Normally I wouldn’t go for this line but it does have some power when it comes with a Portuguese accent from a hottie.

Despite getting intensely turned on, I wasn’t ready to fuck just yet. This was my first date since everything happened. I needed to chill a bit. So, I offered for him to walk me to my apartment. As soon as we got to the door, we made out extremely heavily and this went on for at least 10 minutes until I finally realized what time it was. I sent Chase on his way and went up to my apartment.

I did it. I got a bit of my groove back.

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