Encounter #49.1 – The Bump

App: Tinder

Name: Ben*

Date Location: Amber Sushi

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – Nice ambient lighting, happy hour is okay, food is pretty flavorful.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

One night when I was swiping away on Tinder, I came across Ben. He was that douchey kind of hot but he was from the Boston area so we immediately clicked. In just a few messages we went from chatting on Tinder to texting.

He asked to meet up over the weekend but I was traveling for the holiday. That’s when he asked if I was feeling spontaneous and would want to meet that night. I had nothing to lose. I asked if he was fine with meeting at the bar closest to my train and he said yes.

We had established that I’d let him know when I got on the train. I texted him when I found my seat. When I got above ground and had service, I noticed he didn’t text back. Weird? Oh, well. Maybe he was also underground and didn’t have service.

I texted him when I got to the bar and didn’t hear anything again. 5 minutes passed. 7. 10. 12. Asshole wasn’t coming. I texted him again saying, “Hey, so it looks like we missed each other. I’m going to head back home to NJ”.

Immediately he called me. Allegedly he was on his way in a cab, got stuck in traffic, and would be there in 10. I figured I was already there so I may as well wait 10 more minutes so I ordered a beer.

10 more minutes passed and he texted me that he was at a train station and he’d be there in 10. Wtf? This doesn’t make sense. If you were in a cab, why are you now at a train?

20 minutes later, this fucker shows up. He apologized and doubled down on the traffic excuse. We got to talking and it became more and more clear. This fucker was high on coke.

He was so hyped out and was clearly not in the same mental state as I was. Well, that’s a no from me. Then, he dropped the fucking n-word in conversation. NOPE. We’re done here.

I said I had to go home and he offered to walk me to the train. There wasn’t anywhere to walk me since it was 20 feet from my stop so we had the awkward hug. He went in for the kiss and I swerved hard so it nicked my cheek. He insisted that we do this again…I was good. Blocked. Unmatched.

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Encounter #48.1 – Jon Bon Jesuit

App: Hinge

Name: Nathan*

Date Location: Green Rock – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Happy hour drinks were cheap, food smelled good, bathroom was clean.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

I had been talking to Nathan on and off for a bit and I wanted to fuck his brains out. Physically, he was exactly what I look for. Tall, dark features, broad ass shoulders, 30-ish. The whole thing.

I wanted to meet as soon as possible so I asked him out. He lived in Hoboken which was another selling point for him. I’m a sucker for sheer convenience. He suggested the bar and we got to work.

I showed up and he already had a beer waiting for me. Holy shit. This is why you date 30-year olds. So classy! Conversation was super easy. He was Italian and from New Jersey so we covered a lot of ground on family. We bonded pretty quickly since he went to the Jesuit university down the road from where I went to college so we talked a lot about Baltimore and the bars we used to go to.  He was New Jersey through and through and made some comment about never wanting to leave…interesting.

He seemed to be my brand of weird. We joked the same way (although my comments are filled with a fuck ton more curse words) and would make so many side comments. Truthfully, I was enjoying the shit out of my time.

It appeared he was too. He kept getting more drinks and we had about 3 beers each. But then something happened. I don’t know if I said something or we just weren’t a match but, he said he was going “to go home and watch a movie or something” so he called it short. Weird. Maybe he really was tired?

However when we walked out he hugged me, said it was great meeting me, and then walked the other direction. No kiss. No walking me to the train. Nothing.

What made it weirder was that he texted me the next night saying he had fun and thanked me for a movie recommendation. I said I had fun too. No response.

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Encounter #41.3: Slow Hands

App: Bumble

Name: Chase*

Date Location: My Apartment

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 16 hours

What Happened:

Despite the cum shot to the eye, I gave Chase another chance. Yes it was a lot to take in for an initial encounter but, Chase was fucking hot and I couldn’t stop thinking about the sex.

Both of us had partied the night before so we decided to hang out together at home. However, I woke up that morning with my period. God damn it. Since he was coming over, I expected sex to happen and thought it would be polite to give him a heads up.

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  1. Apparently “Shark Week” doesn’t translate well to Portuguese
  2. How fucking sweet?

Chase offered to bring food if I supplied booze. I was expecting a small thing to share. Oh no. He brought a TRAY of lobster paella, these tasty ass Portuguese pudding things, cookies, and Portuguese candy that tasted like Reese’s Stix. Holy. Shit. Wow.

We had a nice chat over dinner where I found out he was previously married and going through a divorce. That sounds bad but really, it was a good talk. He was candid with me and they had good reason to end it. When your wife cheats on you and tells you you’re a piece of shit, there’s a good case to be made.

After killing dessert (and a bottle of wine) we moved to the couch to watch some Netflix. As expected, we didn’t watch all that much. Within minutes he had me in the bedroom and got to work. Once again, he was throwing down some great moves. Up, down, leg here, leg there (and no cum shot to the eye).

He was such a confident and strong person that I loved having sex with him. For the first time in months, I didn’t have to think. He took control while I got to be in the moment. We fucked again in the morning before he went home and it was solidified. We were fuck buddies.

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