Happy 100?

I’d like to think I’d have something witty and snappy to say now that I’ve officially crossed 100 first dates off my list. But truthfully, I am so fucking exhausted and really just need to be properly dicked down.

It’s nice having freedom. I never have to answer to anyone. But, I feel so starved for companionship with a partner. Everyone is moving into these next phases of life and I can’t relate in the least. They’re picking out nursery colors and I’m still snapchatting men asking how many siblings they have. Just night and day.

I have a lot of feelings about staring 30 in the face with little to no prospect of having someone special to celebrate it with. It’s low-key kind of embarrassing that I’m still in the position to be writing this nonsense but, I will spare you from this becoming a live journal entry.

When I look back on these 100 dates, there are some that stand out.

The good:

The bad:

And just the downright weird:

It’s been a wild-ass ride and I can’t thank you enough for being on this ride with me. Here’s hoping we both get off (both literally and figuratively) soon.

Encounter #100.1: Rain Delay

App: Coffee Meets Bagel

Name: Mark*

Date Location: Crossing Nines – Quincy, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Definitely a hidden gem outside Boston. The patio gives a whole view of the Boston skyline plus the food is actually good.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

I never meet anyone off of Coffee Meets Bagel but somehow, it happened with Mark. Conversation wasn’t particularly any which way on the app but he asked me out and I didn’t have a reason to say no. What sold him though was that not only did he give me a specific plan for the date, he also included a rain plan. My Type A ass was thrilled.

He was taller and cuter than I thought he’d be. Very blue eyes and had to be at least 6’1″. I had to give it to him. The date he picked was nice af. We were there around sunset and saw the whole skyline light up.

Mark was a nerd in all senses of the word. Worked in IT, loved board games, and had a passion for history I don’t think I’ve ever encountered. Like he knew every single everything when it came to the state of Massachusetts.

Family seemed relatively normal. He was from MA, went to school there, and didn’t want to leave. Weird to me, but okay. Was going through a bit of a weight loss journey so it didn’t seem like he knew he was cute which is always a plus. Also super liberal which I am always down with.

He talked my fucking ear off until about a beer and a half in. Because he was so nerdy, I wasn’t sure if that came from not being able to hold a conversation or that he was nervous. As the night went on, looked more like nerves.

We ended up closing the bar down and he walked me to my car. I wasn’t sure if he had a good time. Yeah he paid but that doesn’t guarantee anything.

I was kinda expecting that we would kiss but then again, you can never count on it. I miscalculated. We hugged and I went on my way just very confused as to wtf happened. He was nice. I had a decent time. But wasn’t sure where he stood.

By the time I got home I got a text saying I was beautiful and that he wanted to go out again. Guess I did okay.

Encounter #11.1: Captain Underpants

App: Coffee Meets Bagel

Name: Jai*

Date Location: Stout NYC

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – Definitely a cool spot if you’re into beer or watching sports. They have so many options which can be overwhelming though.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

After figuring out we had previously matched on another app (and me remembering that he sent me a pic in his underwear a few months earlier) Jai and I met up for drinks.

Jai was decently attractive. Looked pretty much like his pictures, finished medical school, Italian, tall, and grew up in NY. Not too shabby.

However, he could not plan for shit. He told me to meet him in Penn Station area but did not give me a bar until 10 minutes before I had to head over. Luckily he picked a place I knew how to get to (because I had an awkward date there).

We started talking and I wanted to suffocate him with a pillow. His voice was typical Queens, NY. I love a hard NY accent. I think it’s weirdly sexy. However, some are better than others. Brooklyn accents? HOT AF. His accent? Kinda nasal, whiny, and was basically the male version of Fran Drescher. NOPE.

Despite having a voice that made you want to punch babies, he was a pretty decent time. He was super easy to talk to and I was happy that I didn’t need to carry the team on my back for this one.

Like any date there were a few awkward moments. I had come from a work event that required wrist bands so I already looked like an alcoholic let alone the fact that I chugged an Irish Car Bomb before heading over to meet Jai.

That being said, his moment was worse. He was trying to show me a picture of something but swiped the wrong way. I saw a woman’s naked titties in one photo and something that said “Cannabis” in the other. He apologized but I definitely had more questions than answers on that one.

It was getting late and I had to make my way back to NJ. I hugged him goodbye and he said,

“Oh okay. I was going to go in for the kiss there. You don’t seem into it?”

“I don’t normally kiss someone on the first date. I don’t know, I guess I can make an exception”

Then we made out. Twice. Probably shouldn’t have done that. DAMN IT LAURA, YOU HOE. I was attracted to him on a physical and intellectual level but god damn. That voice. Terrible. Nagasaki’ed.

 

bad-idea

Situation #6.1: Lapping the Tri-City Area

What Happened:

When you’re on multiple dating apps, there will be plenty of times that you’ll see the same person. It may not be right away, but a lot of people will use the same photos and you start recognizing their face.

One day, after matching on Tinder I got a message along the lines of, “We’ve matched again. We must really like each other”. Apparently we had already chatted on Hinge and both times, boy left me on read.

Whatever, not a big deal. Just have to be more careful. A few weeks later I downloaded Coffee Meets Bagel just to try it out. I had it for maybe a week in NH but since the pool of users was so small, didn’t get into it. 2 or 3 days into using the app in NYC I matched with a cute doctor and he started the conversation. HOLLA TO YOUR GIRL.

It started with this.

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And then this happened.

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Shit. The jig is up.

Despite that, he seemed to be cool with it and we talked about meeting. He asked for my Snapchat *shudder* and he added me. I knew that username.

This summer we matched on Bumble and exchanged snaps. Not only was he boring AF but, he sent me a picture of himself in just Calvin underwear asking if they were too tight. After that happened, I deleted him and unmatched. He didn’t know that I knew about that one but I agreed to go out with him anyways.

Later that night I was chatting on Tinder with a very enthusiastic guy. A little too enthusiastic. And he lived in The Heights… OH MY GOD IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

We matched on Bumble and texted/Snapped in August. He was annoying AF. Constantly blowing up my phone and telling me how he “modeled”. Okay, buddy. You’re full of shit. To avoid another awkward moment, I unmatched immediately.

But it happened. I not only lapped NYC. I lapped Jersey City. All I needed to do was hit CT and I would have sifted through the entire tri-state area.

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