Encounter #12.2: A Hanukah Miracle

App: Bumble

Name: Pete*

Date Location: Amsterdam Billiards followed by Fat Cat Lounge

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Amsterdam Billiards: Definitely divey which isn’t a bad thing but you need to look out if it’s a league night if you want a pool table.

4.0 Stars – Fat Cat Lounge: Super cool bar. There’s live jazz/swing music, cheap drinks, and dark lighting

Date Duration: 14 hours

What Happened:

After texting throughout the holiday break we finally met up for the awaited second date. We met up at Amsterdam Billiards for a few drinks. I knew he was kinda drunk on the first date but I didn’t realize just how far gone he was because he did not remember how much he told me about his ex among other details. I found out he was a frat guy back in college which makes so much fucking sense since he now works in sales. Typical douche.

After taking some shots, we walked over to Fat Cat Lounge to continue drinking. Conversation was good but he kept using his phone. I’m 90% sure he was messaging his roommate on Snapchat and I glanced over to see “Bring her over!”. 2 minutes later we kissed and headed to his place in Brooklyn. Coincidence? I think not.

A little back story here. I had a really good feeling that we were going to fuck however, my period came back from the dead after being nonexistent for a year. After googling all the things online, I took a shit ton of aspirin and popped in a Soft Cup for the first time. No lie, little weird but insertion wasn’t as complicated as expected. Would recommend.

We made it to the apartment and he put Bob’s Burgers on. (Also, this is when I found out his apartment had no heat or electricity. There was hot water, the TV and a lamp were hooked up to something, but no other lights worked.) Within 3 minutes we were making out and I was on top of him. We moved upstairs and started making out on the bed. Clothes quickly came off and we had the absolute worst sex in the entire world. This asshole didn’t do any foreplay. Like any. To the point that when I asked for an assist he went, “Why? You’re not wet?”. (This had to have been why his ex dumped him)

He maybe ate me out for one minute. Having me on bottom wasn’t working so he asked if I could go on top. Things were fine-ish considering I was dry AF. We stopped for a little bit once we realized the condom broke. I had one in my bag so he got it and made some comment like, “Do you always have condoms in your bag?” If I plan to fuck, yeah. That shouldn’t be weird.

I gave him a sad ass hand job, blew him, and we started having sex again. It was straight shit. He asked if I came and I said no. I wasn’t going to reward that garbage fuckery.

He apparently finished (I have a feeling we were both over it) and he asked if I’d join him in the shower. Okay, fine. But he like actually wanted to shower. I kept trying to make out and get some sexy time but it wasn’t working out. He turned the shower off and hopped out for a towel. Since it was a wash at this point, I did pee in his shower out of sheer spite (also since there wasn’t electricity I wasn’t confident in my ability to find the bathroom later).

We changed and I heard my name being called. (Let it be known that he didn’t offer comfy clothes so I changed back into tight ass jeans and a sweater). He wanted me to meet his roommates. WTF. I said hi and we all went downstairs. He went out to get pizza which left me with the roommates. It was as awkward as you think it was so I focused on petting the cat. When Pete got back, the roommates chowed down then went upstairs. He then put X-Files on and fell asleep in 5 minutes. I took a quick power nap and when I moved to leave he pulled me in so we cuddled and napped for a bit longer. I woke up and tried to move again but as I started shifting out from under him he woke up and said we’d go to bed.

I didn’t sleep the whole night. It was a new place, I was already super uncomfortable, he lived next to the expressway so it was super loud, and I was freezing my ass off. Throughout the whole night, he didn’t say anything to me and only put an arm around me twice for a few seconds. We were not going to be dating, but if you don’t kick a girl out immediately you have to cuddle with her. Also if you have no heat you should probably give a bitch a blanket or something.

Around 8:30 am I couldn’t take it anymore and I called a Lyft to go home. I didn’t say anything to Pete on my way out. He appeared to be sleeping and I was over the whole thing.

I felt stupid though. When my period came through I couldn’t help but think that it was a sign for me not to have sex with him since I already knew he was a player and had feelings for his ex but I ignored it. I’ve never been one for casual sex but I always wanted to see if it could be for me. Universe said it wasn’t.

On the way home I couldn’t help but think about the broken condom. He definitely didn’t finish but I did not want to get knocked up with his kid. I’ve had condoms break several times before but I knew that if I ever needed anything the guy would step up one way or the other. I couldn’t say that for Pete so I made the decision to get Plan B.

To top the night off, when I got home to change my clothes I noticed my jeans ripped down the middle of my right ass cheek. Greattt. Good thing I wore a long sweater that night. He also left a big ass hicky on my neck. Don’t remember when that happened.

On the way to Duane Reade, a DOT worker stopped me to tell me that I was so beautiful and someone should be driving me around since it was so cold. At this point my hair was in its natural texture, my make off was off, and I definitely had VPL. I almost cried on the sidewalk. It made my day.

I wanted to be alone more than anything that day and for whatever reason I felt embarrassed. The sex was the worst I ever had and I knew the whole thing was a bad idea but I wanted to be this strong, independent, sexy woman that I wasn’t. At least, not in the way I was trying to force myself.

If this night taught me one thing it’s to stay true to yourself. It’s okay for people to have casual encounters, take Plan B, and spend $40 on a Lyft. At the same time, it’s okay if it’s not for you. Always stay true to yourself…and maybe wear leggings more often so your ass doesn’t bust your jeans.

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Encounter #12.1: A Hanukah Miracle

App: Bumble

Name: Pete*

Date Location: Rock & Reilly’s

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Cool spot, especially would be awesome in the summer. There’s a patio with tons of benches and the playlist is fire. That being said, if they put some outdoor heaters out they could get decent business in the winter.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Truth be told, at this point in time I was starting to be done with the whole dating thing. I had gone on several first dates, had plenty of awkward situations, and was swiping away with no luck. There are only so many times I can match with a guy, meet him, and he looks nothing like his pictures.

One night, I was swiping through and I saw a decently attractive guy. Definitely not my type and he looked like he’d be a toss up on if he looked better/worse in person. Fuck it. My strategies hadn’t been working. Let’s swipe right and see. We matched pretty quickly and started talking.

His opener was pretty solid, he was from Massachusetts, played music in his free time, had done work for non-profits, and seemed chill so we moved to texting. (Fucker had read receipts on. Fantastic).

While we were texting, I was also texting a friend from home. We were talking about Tinder and how to respond to the following gif:

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I then took it upon myself to try it out on an especially attractive guy on Tinder. It worked IMMEDIATELY. I went to tell her my success story and I done fucked up by texting Pete instead.

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HOW. After such a royal fuck up this guy wanted to go out with me? Either he would be everything I wanted or was bat shit crazy.

I rolled up to the bar and was pleasantly surprised that he was more attractive than his pictures. Shorter, but definitely cute. Hot damn.

Since everyone and their mother went out for post-holiday party drinks we moved to the patio outside. We were both from New England, could dress appropriately for the weather, it was fine.

We clicked pretty quickly. We went over the usual first date things, made each other laugh, talked mad shit to some Steelers fans, the whole thing. As we talked, we kept moving closer to each other on the bench. Pretty soon he was holding my hand, had an arm around me, and I had my leg on top of his.

He was telling me about how he loved music so much but could never teach and then out of nowhere went in for the kiss. BALLSY. I didn’t object so we made out a little. Then we stopped. He asked me a question and I had no idea what he was talking about since the make out was so solid. So we just made out harder.

He asked if I would come back to his place. I had to be at the bus station at 3 am later that night so I declined. He then offered to come to Jersey. FUCKKKK THIS NEVER HAPPENS. I wanted to say yes. I really did. But I also knew that my room was a disaster (mostly that my childhood stuffed animal was on top of my pillow and there was no way I’d be able to move it quickly and secretly). I instead went with, “Listen, I want to but I’m just not a first date fuck and I have a lot to do before I head out. Second date though. I can be swayed”. …so we made out more aggressively.

Between make out sessions it was made pretty clear that Pete was not over his ex and was kind of a player. They had broken up 3 months prior and he made a comment along the lines of, “I just found out she was dating so I figured it was time for me to start dating and try to get over her”. Very healthy. He didn’t tell me what happened between them, just that they did some shitty things. He also told me that he had talked to her earlier that day, still loved her, and they were about 18 months out from getting married at the time of the break up. WOWEE WOW WOW. He also brought up that before he was with his ex he dated every girl ever and recently had 3 dates with this other girl in NYC. I mean I’m not one to talk but, some things don’t have to be shared on the first date.

Despite this, I was into him. I apparently made him nervous because I was “so attractive, down to earth, and chill”. Plus I went down as his best first date/Bumble date ever. He clearly had some shit to work out (the guy pre-gamed the date since he was so nervous) but he was throwing himself at me. In addition to constantly kissing me, within 10 minutes he made some comment about how if this went well and I played it right there may be a Patriots play-off ticket in my future. DONT MIND IF I DO. Also, it had been awhile since your girl got down. She deserved a good fuck.

We got pretty aggressive with the make outs to the point he was laying on top of me and was working his way to more. But I could have sworn I heard a door click. He asked what was wrong and I told him that I was pretty sure someone was there. Pete brushed it off and we got back to business. And then we heard a, “Hey! You guys gotta stop. Management doesn’t like that. You gotta go. You shouldn’t even be out here!” Well that ended the date pretty quick.

He held my hand and walked me back to my train station. We kissed and I went on my way (and had the worst NYC commute of my life later that night). As this was right before Christmas break, we couldn’t meet up again that week. But, we texted the whole time in anticipation of date #2.

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Encounter #11.1: Captain Underpants

App: Coffee Meets Bagel

Name: Jai*

Date Location: Stout NYC

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – Definitely a cool spot if you’re into beer or watching sports. They have so many options which can be overwhelming though.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

After figuring out we had previously matched on another app (and me remembering that he sent me a pic in his underwear a few months earlier) Jai and I met up for drinks.

Jai was decently attractive. Looked pretty much like his pictures, finished medical school, Italian, tall, and grew up in NY. Not too shabby.

However, he could not plan for shit. He told me to meet him in Penn Station area but did not give me a bar until 10 minutes before I had to head over. Luckily he picked a place I knew how to get to (because I had an awkward date there).

We started talking and I wanted to suffocate him with a pillow. His voice was typical Queens, NY. I love a hard NY accent. I think it’s weirdly sexy. However, some are better than others. Brooklyn accents? HOT AF. His accent? Kinda nasal, whiny, and was basically the male version of Fran Drescher. NOPE.

Despite having a voice that made you want to punch babies, he was a pretty decent time. He was super easy to talk to and I was happy that I didn’t need to carry the team on my back for this one.

Like any date there were a few awkward moments. I had come from a work event that required wrist bands so I already looked like an alcoholic let alone the fact that I chugged an Irish Car Bomb before heading over to meet Jai.

That being said, his moment was worse. He was trying to show me a picture of something but swiped the wrong way. I saw a woman’s naked titties in one photo and something that said “Cannabis” in the other. He apologized but I definitely had more questions than answers on that one.

It was getting late and I had to make my way back to NJ. I hugged him goodbye and he said,

“Oh okay. I was going to go in for the kiss there. You don’t seem into it?”

“I don’t normally kiss someone on the first date. I don’t know, I guess I can make an exception”

Then we made out. Twice. Probably shouldn’t have done that. DAMN IT LAURA, YOU HOE. I was attracted to him on a physical and intellectual level but god damn. That voice. Terrible. Nagasaki’ed.

 

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Situation #6.1: Lapping the Tri-City Area

What Happened:

When you’re on multiple dating apps, there will be plenty of times that you’ll see the same person. It may not be right away, but a lot of people will use the same photos and you start recognizing their face.

One day, after matching on Tinder I got a message along the lines of, “We’ve matched again. We must really like each other”. Apparently we had already chatted on Hinge and both times, boy left me on read.

Whatever, not a big deal. Just have to be more careful. A few weeks later I downloaded Coffee Meets Bagel just to try it out. I had it for maybe a week in NH but since the pool of users was so small, didn’t get into it. 2 or 3 days into using the app in NYC I matched with a cute doctor and he started the conversation. HOLLA TO YOUR GIRL.

It started with this.

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And then this happened.

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Shit. The jig is up.

Despite that, he seemed to be cool with it and we talked about meeting. He asked for my Snapchat *shudder* and he added me. I knew that username.

This summer we matched on Bumble and exchanged snaps. Not only was he boring AF but, he sent me a picture of himself in just Calvin underwear asking if they were too tight. After that happened, I deleted him and unmatched. He didn’t know that I knew about that one but I agreed to go out with him anyways.

Later that night I was chatting on Tinder with a very enthusiastic guy. A little too enthusiastic. And he lived in The Heights… OH MY GOD IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

We matched on Bumble and texted/Snapped in August. He was annoying AF. Constantly blowing up my phone and telling me how he “modeled”. Okay, buddy. You’re full of shit. To avoid another awkward moment, I unmatched immediately.

But it happened. I not only lapped NYC. I lapped Jersey City. All I needed to do was hit CT and I would have sifted through the entire tri-state area.

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Encounter #5.1: The Girl Date That Wasn’t

App: Bumble BFF

Name: Jan*

Date Location: Noche de Margaritas

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Mediocre. Yes, happy hour margs are $5 but the food is a little pricier and it’s not insanely good. That being said, the portions are decent.

Date Duration: 2-3 hours

What Happened:

After being in NYC for a few months I realized something. Outside of my roommate, I didn’t have any friends. How does one make friends post-college? APPS OF COURSE. Bumble BFF is the “friend” component of the traditional Bumble dating app. When you log in, you have the option to switch to BFF mode or to dating.  You’re shown people of the same gender who are also logged into BFF and you swipe as you normally would on a dating app.

No lie, kind of weird. I feel weird judging if I’d be friends with a girl based on her appearance then there’s the aspect of who starts the conversation. When you “Match” with a BFF, both parties have 24 to start the conversation before the match disappears. I barely know what to say to a guy, WTF do I say to a girl to make a friend? This is like a freshman year ice breaker all over again.

I opened with a gif and we went from there. We both love margs and she lives by my work so she picked a Mexican spot in the area. I met her outside, we got the drink orders in, and had an awkward time.

I only say awkward because it felt like a weird interview. I am not there for romantic reasons so that whole piece is taken out which leaves getting to know someone as a person. WEIRD. Jan also grew up in New England and works in a similar field. She was nice, quirky, and laughed at my shitty jokes. But much like regular first dates, I wasn’t 100% sold. That being said, she was nice enough and I wouldn’t mind hanging out again.

But then there’s the follow up piece. When we left the restaurant she left it at, “Let’s keep in touch” but we didn’t exchange numbers. As the person who asked for the friend date, am I now responsible for sending a message? But like if she had a bad time I don’t want to make her feel like she has to hang out again. So should I leave it in her court? WHAT TO DO.

Ultimately I opted for leaving it in her court and we haven’t contacted each other since. I may not have made a friend but I gained a whole new level of understanding when it comes to men. Women are tough to crack.

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TBT: The First Date

App: Bumble

Name: Miles*

Date Location: Strange Brew Tavern – Manchester, NH

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – If you’re a beer person, absolutely recommend. There’s tons to choose from. It’s great for week nights but I wouldn’t recommend for weekends. You end up in a room which looks like a frat house basement and run into people from high school.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

After my 6-year relationship ended I had no idea what to do. I never “dated” since my ex and I got together in high school then stayed together through college. All I knew was that while I lived with my parents and only hung out with female friends, I needed a way to meet men.

I downloaded dating apps and one night was swiping through Bumble. I matched with Miles* and we began chatting. Based on his photos, he was pretty cute, outdoorsy, and liked to stay relatively active. I asked him out and we went from there.

Little thing to note, we had talked A LOT on the app. Since this was my first attempt at dating I wasn’t sure when to bring up a date or if he would do it himself. So we had already covered a significant amount of ground before meeting up.

After nearly peeing myself from nerves, I made it into the bar. He did not look like his photos. I could bench press him. But hey, he seemed like a nice guy and I have no idea what dating is so FUCK IT.

He was really sweet. He found out that I co-hosted a morning radio show and he told me that he listened in that morning. Also when he found out that I love Straight Outta Compton he listened to the soundtrack on a trip up north with his friends.

But after a few drinks, I kinda knew this wouldn’t go anywhere. He had that “lives with his mom” quality and since we already covered so much ground, had nothing else to talk about. Because I didn’t want my first date to be a bust, I went full Resident Assistant and pulled questions out of thin air.

Despite him making a “Wow, we had such a great date since it was 4 hours” comment, I never heard from him again and I was so happy about it. I had done the impossible. I went on a first date and didn’t get murdered. I did something I never thought I would have to or even could do. But I did. And it opened a new door of my life. THANKS MILES.

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