Happy 100?

I’d like to think I’d have something witty and snappy to say now that I’ve officially crossed 100 first dates off my list. But truthfully, I am so fucking exhausted and really just need to be properly dicked down.

It’s nice having freedom. I never have to answer to anyone. But, I feel so starved for companionship with a partner. Everyone is moving into these next phases of life and I can’t relate in the least. They’re picking out nursery colors and I’m still snapchatting men asking how many siblings they have. Just night and day.

I have a lot of feelings about staring 30 in the face with little to no prospect of having someone special to celebrate it with. It’s low-key kind of embarrassing that I’m still in the position to be writing this nonsense but, I will spare you from this becoming a live journal entry.

When I look back on these 100 dates, there are some that stand out.

The good:

The bad:

And just the downright weird:

It’s been a wild-ass ride and I can’t thank you enough for being on this ride with me. Here’s hoping we both get off (both literally and figuratively) soon.

Encounter #92.2: Green Tea

App: Bumble

Name: Moises*

Date Location: Idle Hour – Quincy, MA

Location Review: 3.5 stars – I got buzzed and we didn’t eat so there’s that

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Going in, I wasn’t entirely sure what was going to happen. But I was mentally prepared to fuck.

Like our first date, there was a lot of lead-up. Actually the day we were supposed to meet up I tested positive for COVID so that only delayed things further and then he was going to be in Colombia. Just super ideal timing.

We texted here and there while he was gone and I was locked in the house but nothing particularly noteworthy. I chalked it up to just the fact that it’s hard to keep a conversation going over text that long when you don’t really know the person.

He offered to come closer to me and we made plans to get dinner. But then at about 11pm the night before he asked to change it to 11am. Ummm K? Weird but whatever. I’ve had stranger things happen.

He met me at the bar and we got right to drinks. No food. Fuck.

It only took a few minutes for him to start touching my leg and start with how cute I am. I mean facts but we haven’t seen each other in a minute and it’s the Lord’s day. Let’s chill a bit.

He told me about his trip and then next thing I knew we were taking green tea shots again. Actually, he asked me if I was the person he took shots with last time. I made a joke about him confusing me with his other hoes. The flustered look on his face. Hilarious.

After about 45 minutes he made some comment about watching a movie with me. I made a comment about he was really gunning to get the invite to my place and we’ll see if he makes it that far. The way this man tried to backpedal. Sir, I know exactly what is happening here. You do not give a flying fuck and just want to get laid. And SAME HERE.

We started making out at the bar and he more or less invited himself over. I was shaved and cleaned the house beforehand. It was going to happen.

There were no games when he came into the apartment. We immediately started making out, he had me against the wall, and then next thing I knew clothes were on the floor and I was laying on the bed.

And then it got kinda weird. He laid me down and I expected him to start working on me. Instead he kinda perched by my face and I blew him. Weird angle to do that but if that’s what you want, fine. Was planning on giving the full Gluck Gluck 5000 but I guess that’s fine too. I was only there for a moment and then he pulled me on top of him. I thought we were going to keep warming up but he went straight to fucking. I asked for an assist but he just laid me down and tried to fuck me there. So I had to explicitly ask for foreplay and he fingered me for a minute or 2.

It was clear this fucker could not fucking wait so I grabbed the condom and we got at it. Thing is that didn’t last too long either. I know I’m good, but I’m not finish in 3 minutes good. I couldn’t tell if he finished or just went soft super fast and was trying to cover it up.

We laid in bed for 2 hours making out and chit-chatting and then he said he had stuff to do at home so he left.

I am a psycho so after he left I went to the bathroom and peeked at the condom in the trash. Dry. Interesting. Hours passed and I didn’t hear from him. Also interesting. I texted him some bull shit asking how his night was or something and he didn’t respond until 11:30 pm. I texted him back in the morning. No response until 11:30 pm. I happened to be up so I fired right back. He haha’d the text. And I was fucking done with that nonsense.

Encounter #92.1: Green Tea

App: Bumble

Name: Adrian*

Date Location: River Bar – Sommerville, MA

Location Review: 4 Stars – We just drank so not sure how it is food-wise. Was close to a parking lot and faced water so that was really nice.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

There was some lead-up on this one. After chatting on Bumble for a bit, we moved to text, and then he had to reschedule once then I had to. Just a lot of delay so had no idea what to expect when we actually met up.

Well, there was an ass ton of traffic the day of, and then FINALLY we fucking met. I knew I had to turn it out and bring the A-game since there had been so much lead-up. So ya girl was cracking jokes left and right at the bar. Apparently so much that Adrian thought I was drunk. Nope. Just unhinged.

But Adrian was a cool guy. Grew up in Florida, was Peruvian and Brazilian, worked as a web something or other at Puma, lived by himself, and played soccer regularly. (Also had this big, bright smile I kept staring at).

Adrian could also fucking drink. Granted, I didn’t eat before I got there so after a margarita I was feeling myself. But we were joking about green tea shots and then next thing I knew 2 appeared and we chased them with another margarita.

He had some time to kill and I wasn’t about to drive like that so we walked along the water and he held my hand. Then when there was a break in the conversation he pulled me in and we kissed (made out). Adrian knew what the fuck he was doing. It was one of those where the world kinda stopped for a second.

We kept walking, I blinked, and then we were in a parking garage going at it in his back seat. Like he was all up in my titties and there may have been a slight OTPHJ. Honestly, if he didn’t have plans after we probably would have fucked. The chemistry was that intense.

Mid make out he asked if he could see me again 2 days later but I had plans. (AKA I had another date) but we established another day. He drove me up to my car, we kissed, and then I went on my merry ass way.