Encounter #27.1: Artsy Fartsy

App: Hinge

Name: Morgan*

Date Location: Abba Bar &Grill and some radom ass taco place

Location Review:  2.0 Stars – Despite the fact that the happy hour drinks were cheap, the reviews online were great, and the atmosphere was cool AF; the service was terrible so I only got to have 1 of those cheap happy hour drinks

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Once again, I agreed to a date just on the basis that the guy was a Patriots fan from Massachusetts. Morgan was from a town by where my uncle lived and we had a decent banter leading up to the date so I figured that I had nothing really to lose.

Morgan rolled up to the bar and he was cute. I could bench him and he was artsy fartsy, but he had a really nice face. Things started pretty normal. We went over the classic first date things and then there was a moment where I realized he had been talking nonstop and really didn’t ask me anything. He asked one question on how I learned ventriloquism and that was about it for the time we were at the bar.

I instead found out all about acting school, film school, his former roommates, his depression, personality quirks, oh and that he’s still not over the fact a girl from high school “cheated” on him. (She did shitty stuff but it didn’t seem to me that they were actually dating and it happened right at the beginning of whatever their situation was.)

I wanted to go home but he asked if I wanted pizza. Fuck. You got me. We ended up going to a Mexican place instead and split some nachos. When we were there I asked him what his online dating experience was like. It wasn’t good. He said that he pretty much swiped right on every girl on tinder, gets ghosted a lot, and had no idea why. HONEY. You unleash everything in the first 10 minutes and don’t show interest in the other person. Makes complete sense to me.

He did walk me to the train which was nice and for once I got out of a date without a make out. We hugged, I got on the train, umatched, and blocked.

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Situation #8.1: The Coworker

Name: Elijah*

Date Location: Miriam Restaurant Brooklyn Museum

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Super crowded for brunch. His food wasn’t too flavorful or anything to ride home about but I loved my bacon, egg, and cheese on a croissant.

5.0 Stars – Super affordable, not one of those museums where you feel like a privileged asshole, nice exhibits

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Elijah and I were former coworkers with a slight history. Nothing ever happened between us because I had a boyfriend at the time and our company was not one for coworkers to date. That said, I had always felt like there was something between us. Even if it was small. There’s no particular instance to reference but I remember him caring more than he should have about me. He would text me almost daily, we would eat dinner together fairly regularly, had deep conversations, and I did go up to his apartment once to cook him some of my family’s food. (Granted I got weirded out and made some of my other coworkers come over as a buffer.) It all sounds like regular friend stuff but there was something different about the way he would go about it.

He was a really attractive guy and I would joke all the time to my friends about him. “Ohh you know if I was single I’d hit that…“, “UGH. Elijah is so hot…”, “He can get it!” By the time we both left our positions I had moved back to NH to be with my then boyfriend and he moved abroad.

Once in awhile he would slide into my DMs. We would chat a little but no major conversations were had. Then, he let me know that he was coming to NYC and wanted to catch up. OH HOT DAMN. We compared schedules and the day was set.

Going in I had no idea what to expect. Not only was I hung over as shit to the point that life felt like an out of body experience, I looked like a one night stand with my hair from the night before, and I had limited contact with him for the past 3 years. WAS THIS A DATE OR JUST FRIENDS? FUCKKKK.

Elijah strolled up while I was sitting on a curb trying not to puke my brains out. He looked hot AF. We hugged and took our seats for brunch. Since I was trying not to puke I basically was company for Elijah while he ate. We caught up on life and I really had no idea where the day was going to go. At one point he looked up, smiled at me, said “I’m really happy I got to see you”, and touched my leg. A bug was flying close by so I wasn’t sure how to gauge that leg thing. But shit. That smile. DAYUM.

It was such a beautiful day that we met my friend for a walk in the park. She dropped us off at the Brooklyn Museum and we worked out way through the exhibits (and a lot of vagina art).

At one point he made a comment of, “Oh I know what you’ve been up to. I won’t lie. I kind of stalk you on Instagram.” OKAY ELIJAH. We took a few selfies and I felt as if his body was closer to me than normal. But then again he was about 80 feet tall so he probably had to be that close since I was so short. Every time we approached a door, he opened it and guided me through ahead of him with his hand on the small of my back. Then later on he was taking photos but since we had a Facebook chat going my profile picture was pulled as an icon on the side of the screen. He said something along the lines of, “Now every time I take a picture I get to look at your sexy legs.” Maybe this was a date?

We went through a few of the exhibits and high fived. Then instead of letting my hand drop by my side, he held it. OH. SHIT. I WAS ON A DATE. My stomach had butterflies and everything. While staring at an old tv he came up behind me, rested his chin on my shoulder, pressed his face into my neck, and I felt his entire body envelope me. It sounds ridiculous, but it had been awhile since I was touched in such an affectionate way. In a way that didn’t feel transactional or as a step to something else and was so genuine. I was so happy.

We left the museum holding hands and we walked to a park nearby. He had his arm around me on the bench while I ate my sandwich left over from brunch then we just sat there chatting and taking in everything. I had forgotten just how kind and smart he was.

His brother was in Bryant Park and it was about time I dragged my ass back to NJ so we took the train back to Manhattan together. On the way to the train station, we had our arms around each other as we walked and when he would lean in to look at the photos I took on the way he would stand close with his hand on my back. On the train it continued. We were both holding onto the overhead bars and he pulled me into him before holding my hand again.

We reached our station where we both had change overs. We hugged and the whole time I wondered if he was going to do it. Would we finally kiss? After 5 years of tension, HE FUCKING DID IT. ELIJAH KISSED ME. And oh my goodness it was good. So soft. Right amount of suction. Just enough tongue. Then we went our separate ways.

I knew it would never work between us. He lived abroad, I don’t do long distance, and it was just one day. But it restored my hope in humanity. For so long I had questioned if my standards were too high, I was being too picky, these guys I had been going out with were fine, and I was just looking for a problem. I was so sick of being treated like an after thought and here Elijah was genuinely making me feel like I was the only person who mattered in that moment. I needed to know that still existed and I don’t think he’ll ever know just how much I needed that day with him.

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Encounter #12.2: A Hanukah Miracle

App: Bumble

Name: Pete*

Date Location: Amsterdam Billiards followed by Fat Cat Lounge

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Amsterdam Billiards: Definitely divey which isn’t a bad thing but you need to look out if it’s a league night if you want a pool table.

4.0 Stars – Fat Cat Lounge: Super cool bar. There’s live jazz/swing music, cheap drinks, and dark lighting

Date Duration: 14 hours

What Happened:

After texting throughout the holiday break we finally met up for the awaited second date. We met up at Amsterdam Billiards for a few drinks. I knew he was kinda drunk on the first date but I didn’t realize just how far gone he was because he did not remember how much he told me about his ex among other details. I found out he was a frat guy back in college which makes so much fucking sense since he now works in sales. Typical douche.

After taking some shots, we walked over to Fat Cat Lounge to continue drinking. Conversation was good but he kept using his phone. I’m 90% sure he was messaging his roommate on Snapchat and I glanced over to see “Bring her over!”. 2 minutes later we kissed and headed to his place in Brooklyn. Coincidence? I think not.

A little back story here. I had a really good feeling that we were going to fuck however, my period came back from the dead after being nonexistent for a year. After googling all the things online, I took a shit ton of aspirin and popped in a Soft Cup for the first time. No lie, little weird but insertion wasn’t as complicated as expected. Would recommend.

We made it to the apartment and he put Bob’s Burgers on. (Also, this is when I found out his apartment had no heat or electricity. There was hot water, the TV and a lamp were hooked up to something, but no other lights worked.) Within 3 minutes we were making out and I was on top of him. We moved upstairs and started making out on the bed. Clothes quickly came off and we had the absolute worst sex in the entire world. This asshole didn’t do any foreplay. Like any. To the point that when I asked for an assist he went, “Why? You’re not wet?”. (This had to have been why his ex dumped him)

He maybe ate me out for one minute. Having me on bottom wasn’t working so he asked if I could go on top. Things were fine-ish considering I was dry AF. We stopped for a little bit once we realized the condom broke. I had one in my bag so he got it and made some comment like, “Do you always have condoms in your bag?” If I plan to fuck, yeah. That shouldn’t be weird.

I gave him a sad ass hand job, blew him, and we started having sex again. It was straight shit. He asked if I came and I said no. I wasn’t going to reward that garbage fuckery.

He apparently finished (I have a feeling we were both over it) and he asked if I’d join him in the shower. Okay, fine. But he like actually wanted to shower. I kept trying to make out and get some sexy time but it wasn’t working out. He turned the shower off and hopped out for a towel. Since it was a wash at this point, I did pee in his shower out of sheer spite (also since there wasn’t electricity I wasn’t confident in my ability to find the bathroom later).

We changed and I heard my name being called. (Let it be known that he didn’t offer comfy clothes so I changed back into tight ass jeans and a sweater). He wanted me to meet his roommates. WTF. I said hi and we all went downstairs. He went out to get pizza which left me with the roommates. It was as awkward as you think it was so I focused on petting the cat. When Pete got back, the roommates chowed down then went upstairs. He then put X-Files on and fell asleep in 5 minutes. I took a quick power nap and when I moved to leave he pulled me in so we cuddled and napped for a bit longer. I woke up and tried to move again but as I started shifting out from under him he woke up and said we’d go to bed.

I didn’t sleep the whole night. It was a new place, I was already super uncomfortable, he lived next to the expressway so it was super loud, and I was freezing my ass off. Throughout the whole night, he didn’t say anything to me and only put an arm around me twice for a few seconds. We were not going to be dating, but if you don’t kick a girl out immediately you have to cuddle with her. Also if you have no heat you should probably give a bitch a blanket or something.

Around 8:30 am I couldn’t take it anymore and I called a Lyft to go home. I didn’t say anything to Pete on my way out. He appeared to be sleeping and I was over the whole thing.

I felt stupid though. When my period came through I couldn’t help but think that it was a sign for me not to have sex with him since I already knew he was a player and had feelings for his ex but I ignored it. I’ve never been one for casual sex but I always wanted to see if it could be for me. Universe said it wasn’t.

On the way home I couldn’t help but think about the broken condom. He definitely didn’t finish but I did not want to get knocked up with his kid. I’ve had condoms break several times before but I knew that if I ever needed anything the guy would step up one way or the other. I couldn’t say that for Pete so I made the decision to get Plan B.

To top the night off, when I got home to change my clothes I noticed my jeans ripped down the middle of my right ass cheek. Greattt. Good thing I wore a long sweater that night. He also left a big ass hicky on my neck. Don’t remember when that happened.

On the way to Duane Reade, a DOT worker stopped me to tell me that I was so beautiful and someone should be driving me around since it was so cold. At this point my hair was in its natural texture, my make off was off, and I definitely had VPL. I almost cried on the sidewalk. It made my day.

I wanted to be alone more than anything that day and for whatever reason I felt embarrassed. The sex was the worst I ever had and I knew the whole thing was a bad idea but I wanted to be this strong, independent, sexy woman that I wasn’t. At least, not in the way I was trying to force myself.

If this night taught me one thing it’s to stay true to yourself. It’s okay for people to have casual encounters, take Plan B, and spend $40 on a Lyft. At the same time, it’s okay if it’s not for you. Always stay true to yourself…and maybe wear leggings more often so your ass doesn’t bust your jeans.

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