Tag: Break Up

Encounter #98.2: Peabody

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App: Tinder

Name: Omar*

Date Location:  Speakeasy and Irish Tavern (No idea wtf the names were) – Sommerville, MA

Location Review: N/A

Date Duration: 14 hours

What Happened:

Even though we had just seen each other the night before, we were both excited to go on an actual date with each other.

Omar beat me to the bar but since I can’t park for shit, he jumped in my car and helped me find a spot (and paid for my parking). Immediately we were holding hands and it was nice to feel coupled up for once.

He made reservations at a speak easy and we were the only people in the place so it was truly just the two of us. Conversation was still decent. Not as free flowing as the night before but considering we had been talking to each other every day for 4 hours at a time, we still found things to chat about.

The bar wasn’t really doing it for us so we decided to leave. He wouldn’t let me pay but I saw the tab. $100+ and he didn’t flinch. I guess he was not lying about making 6-figures in IT.

The next bar I got a little more insight into him. I don’t know how it came up but, we talked politics and we were just not aligned to say the least. It was weird. Socially we were on the same page but it just didn’t make sense to me why he voted for the way he did. Republican I can handle but based on the things he said, the math wasn’t mathing. He kept saying he liked living in MA and what the state was doing. Massachusetts is blue AF. Why are you voting for Trump?

I didn’t know what to think. Maybe I’m just a $n0wfLake liberal but, it was disappointing. Despite that, everything else about him was fine. He could make me laugh and it was clear he was into me so maybe I could look past it? He kept saying he wasn’t *that* political so maybe I could take him at his word?

He came to my place after and we started getting into it. We talked early on about wanting to wait to have sex. He had disclosed to me early on that he had genital herpes and I wasn’t going to be playing with fire if I didn’t know if I even liked him.

The hookup was fine. There was some potential and he seemed coachable but it wasn’t groundbreaking by any means. He would do stuff to me and I would say something like, “Mmm keep doing it like that” and then he would switch it up and start doing something else for whatever fucking reason. Not sure how “like that” translates to stop what you’re doing, but whatever.

Omar was so into me and honestly, it felt really fucking nice. We kept seeing each other and it was nice cosplaying boyfriend/girlfriend. He came over the day after I had to say goodbye to my dog and it felt so good to be able to come undone in front of someone. To not have to carry the emotional load alone for once. I can’t remember the last time a man said he wanted to be there for me while I fell apart and then actually was.

That said, there were some things that happened in the following weeks that I didn’t like. For someone who kept saying they “weren’t political”, he brought politics up an awful lot. Even if I could get over it, I couldn’t see a way for him to be accepted by my friends and family. All I saw were awkward parties and us wanting to raise kids differently.

Speaking of kids, we also had different expectations there. He wanted to be a dad so badly and exclusively wanted kids of his own. I am not sold given the world we live in.

But, what did it was one particular week. We hadn’t seen each other in about 5-7 days. I had called him Monday (No answer) and Tuesday night (he picked up but couldn’t talk). Wednesday he was out with friends, had been drinking and wanted to come over. Not ideal but, whatever. He kept insisting he wanted to see me and was good to drive. Fine. Left the door unlocked for him and ended up dozing off.

At 1am I woke up and he still wasn’t there. Checked my phone and he texted me. When he went home to grab clothes, he ended up smoking a joint with his roommates and fell asleep.

For someone who wanted to see me so badly, it didn’t make sense to me. Was the plan to drive over high and see me while baked af or was it that a substance was more important? Either way, didn’t love the answer.

What tipped me over the edge though was that Saturday night he was at a concert in Boston, wanted to see me, but had done coke and didn’t feel good about driving over. Whatever, all good. We would see each other the next day.

Well, that’s when he dropped that he had gone out with 2 girls since we met. Were we exclusive? No. But, he kept telling me there was no one else. I would make jokes about him having hoes and he would brush it off every time. Do what you want but, don’t fucking lie to me.

There’s an unsaid rule in dating that in those beginning stages, you don’t say what/who you’re doing. But if you’re telling me there’s no one else, all I can do is take you at your word especially after making comments about me having your babies, being at your birthday, and everything else.

I had been on the fence for a while but wanted to see him a few more times in person before I made the call but that pushed me over the edge and I cut it off.

That didn’t go over very well. It ended up being a 4-hour ordeal with him calling me multiple times and blowing up my phone. At one point he Facetimed me, I picked up, and we started talking things over but he was walking into his house and started chatting with his roommates instead while I was on the line…cool. So I hung up and he texted me up the ass.

Apparently what he was trying to say was that he went out with these other girls, hated it, and now just wanted to be with me. Cool. But it still happened. Also, I still vote blue and he still wanted kids of his own. It probably was the right thing to do to cut it off but, I hated every minute of it and kept second-guessing it.

When I woke up the next day, he texted me and asked me to block his number since he knew he would want to text me. He knew where I lived so I kept his texts on mute just to be safe. He texted me three times that week asking how I was but that was it.

It’s been a few weeks and I still feel weird about the whole thing. In the long run, it was probably the right decision but, it also feels so bleak out there. I don’t feel deeper connections often and I may have pushed someone away who would have given me ~70% of what I could have wanted from a partner. But is ~70% enough at the end of the day for a relationship to go the distance?

Not for me.

Update: Home Team

Published on by datinglaura2 Comments

Recap:

I matched with someone I knew from my home town and things were good.

What Happened:

Well, it was good while it lasted.

For the first time in history, I’m not mad at someone after a breakup. No really, if he called me up right now I’d answer. It just came down to how much time we had vs how much time the other needed.

It still sucks. It sucks a lot. I genuinely cared about him, saw a future, and for the first time in at least 5 years, I found someone who I could talk to for 12 hours at a time and never run out of things to say. It was an electric feeling to be seen in a way I had been craving for so long where it was safe to be my weird self. And probably most memorably, it was the first time a man said I was beautiful and I will never forget that moment.

At this point, I know too well the physical sensations of a breakup. Feeling my chest tighten. Pain shooting down my forearms. Just wanting to scream but nothing can come out. Hello darkness, my old friend.

I am exhausted in all senses of the word. There is no greater high than having someone tell you that they knew about this smut since the beginning and still want to date you. There is also no low like not being able to talk to someone or know if you were even missed.

I just want something to stick. I have this stupid fantasy of holding a guy’s hand in a Target. (What? Target means it’s real). It’s such a simple, small thing but it feels like it will never quite be in reach and I hate that it feels impossible. The thought of that, let alone someone wanting a relationship or anything more, feels laughable to me at this point.

A while back I had a conversation with my therapist about just how frustrated I was and how much it sucked being reminded of my singleness with a refrigerator plastered in wedding and baby shower invites. She said to me, “Laura, this may just be your struggle. Maybe when it’s time to have kids you’ll get pregnant on the first try. Maybe you’ll be the one with a marriage you never think twice about. You just never know and it may just be that it’s not your season quite yet.”

So I’m chalking it up to it’s just not my season. I don’t know when it will come but holy fuck, a bitch is ready and waiting.

Hallmark Movie: UPDATE

Published on by datinglaura

HERE WE GO AGAIN BITCHES. Get the wine, put on Folklore, and let’s cry.

RECAP:

Rich and I met while I was back home, had a crazy connection, and were together ever since.

UPDATE:

Like everyone else, Rich and I had our own struggles and COVID didn’t make things easier but there wasn’t anything in particular I felt we couldn’t handle. Up until a certain point, the only real issues I had were that after being together (and exclusive) for 5 months he still wouldn’t call me his girlfriend and I couldn’t see him all that much. The tipping point happened one random Thursday night when I found some shit. Because of how small our hometown is, I don’t want to get into too many specifics. Let’s just leave it at I found something which depending on who you ask, may or may not be a big deal. That said, I was devastated.

I screenshotted what I found and texted him in the middle of the night because #rage. I was up for hours just waiting for him to wake up and respond. For something that would disprove all the thoughts I had and make it stop.

7 hours later I got a response and it didn’t make me feel any better. He basically just said it happened when he was bored, there were times he wasn’t sure we were supposed to be together, even though it may seem like a big deal it wasn’t, and nothing happened.

I proceeded to lose my damn mind. Even if he didn’t see it as a big deal, I did. Also, if he had doubts WHY DIDN’T HE SAY ANYTHING?

I had a flight that same day so I couldn’t talk to him plus, I probably would have either said some really terrible things or, just laid in a ball and cried. Either way, not a cute look.

We didn’t talk at all while I was away but as soon as I landed I met with him. As angry and hurt as I was, I was hoping there was some way we could move past it. 95% of me thought it was going to end right then and there but that 5% was holding on so fucking hard.

The conversation went in phases. The first was that we were broken up. By not reaching out over the weekend I had fucked up in his eyes. He had heavy things outside of our relationship going on and he felt I should have put that aside and reached out. I wanted to. I won’t lie, I had the text typed out but I kept deleting it because I really thought I would make things worse. Not saying anything did more damage and I’ll own that mistake. I fucked up.

Phase 2 we were back together. We were curled up together just crying and saying how we’d work to forgive each other. I made a comment that I wanted to be with him but I needed a label at some point. I didn’t want to put in girlfriend level work to fix us and be there for him through all this to not have the title. He didn’t want to do that.

That led us to Phase 3: Together But Not Talking. I needed time to process everything and I felt like he needed time too. There was so much going on that I felt extremely overwhelmed and overstimulated so I needed to be fully alone and sort some shit out. Plus with all his stuff going on, I thought it would give him some time to focus on himself and get back on track. We agreed on three weeks of no contact.

We really sucked at that and the three weeks became one. Rich reached out to me more than I did him but, I always responded. As the week went on, I was no closer to figuring anything out. I wanted him in my life. I did. But there was other stuff that wasn’t quite working in our relationship and I didn’t know if he would want to work on it or even how to fix it.

We made plans to meet up and it followed a similar pattern to Break Up, Part 1. I walked in and asked if he wanted me in his life and he said yes. Tbh I didn’t expect that at all. I really thought he was going to pull it.

Then he asked where I was at. More or less I said,

“I want you in my life but at the same time I don’t know if you have the time I need you to give me when you have all this other stuff going on.”

Like last time, at first we were broken up, and then came the part when we were together and trying to fix things. It boiled down to the fact that we loved very differently, had different views on what it meant to be in a relationship and to get where we wanted it would require time and effort Rich just didn’t have. So he pulled the plug.

Then came Part 3: Actually Breaking Up. This didn’t go very well. Really just a lot of sobbing. 10/10: would not recommend. He kept saying how I deserved better. That there was someone out there who would care for me the same way I cared for him. That pissed me off. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard that and I’ll never understand it. If I deserve better then step up and be better. That just says to me you knew you weren’t pulling your weight and didn’t care to change anything. Meanwhile, I had been reading all these articles and books, going to therapy, doing all these things to be a better partner and you just decided to tap out along the way and coast. Such bullshit.

I know ending it was the right thing. It wasn’t going in a healthy direction but holy fuck, it hurts like hell. Everyone says after a break up, “You don’t understand. What we had was different” and in this case I think it was true to a certain extent. It may not have made sense to everyone but it made sense to us. Our connection felt like we knew each other forever and it is so hard to describe what it felt like when we were together. #WitchTok

But break ups always suck. The hardest part isn’t even grieving the end of the relationship. It’s grieving the person you met at the beginning and all the possibilities that came with them.

Like a crazy person, I went through every text message we ever sent. Start to finish. That guy I was with at the end is not the same person who would ask me to hang out so he could hold my hand, who drove to my house in the middle of the day just to see my haircut, who laughed with me on the floor until 2am, who wanted me to feel important like no other shit bag I went out with ever had. That’s the person I miss the most and can’t let go of.

Friends keep asking me how I’m doing and tbh I feel crushed, humiliated, and so fucking stupid. Break ups feel like that moment in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy goes from black and white to a world full of color. You can’t see it when you’re in it but, once you get some distance everything is so fucking clear. I really thought this was it for me and there were so many times he showed me it wasn’t but, I kept clinging on to that version of him I fell for for dear life.

And I hate feeling this way. I hate that this is what I talk to my friends about. I hate feeling annoying. I hate that I can’t be happy for anyone right now because truthfully, I am so fucking jealous. While everyone else is taking the next steps I’m sitting here trying to piece myself back together in my childhood bedroom.

So what’s next? I don’t know, maybe we’ll get back together after time apart. Maybe we won’t. Maybe the country will break into civil war and I’ll become a handmaid. A lot of things could happen but right now the focus is taking care of myself. Whatever the flying fuck that looks like.

Above Average: UPDATE

Published on by datinglaura2 Comments

Well, your favorite skank is back.

I know, I really didn’t think I’d be back here either. I thought Jared* and I had something special. We loved each other to a depth I had never thought possible…but sometimes that’s not enough.

I had gone back and forth for the past few months if I wanted to write this. For awhile I kind of wanted to keep it private but then I felt like I’d be lying. I was 100% honest about falling in love, it’s only fair to be honest about falling out of it.

So. Here we go. Put on some Adele, pour a glass of wine, and buckle up for the bullshit.

A few things to note:

  • It had been a tough year for Jared but things were starting to really turn around at the time of the break up.
  • I wanted to get married in the next 4-6 years and he didn’t know what he wanted. Every time the marriage conversation came up, it would end with me sobbing and Jared feeling awful.

With this in mind, I immediately started to panic when I received a text saying we had to have the discussion we were putting off. For 2 hours I sat in my apartment trying not to throw up but when he came up to my door without a bag and the worst face, I knew.

We moved to my room and sat on the bed. No kiss to say hi or anything. He didn’t speak so I said, “Well if you’re going to do it, just get it over with.” He then said, “We need to break up.”

And then my world stopped.

I don’t remember what exactly was said when but, it came down to that he couldn’t give me what I wanted and it wasn’t fair to me. That I deserved someone who put me on a pedestal the same way I did for them and wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. The thing was I never thought I wasn’t getting that.

The main point he kept bringing up was I wanted to get married and he didn’t know if he wanted that too. We had gone to a few weddings and they essentially were the nail in the coffin for our relationship. He saw how excited my friends were to take the next step and how much they loved each other but he didn’t feel the same about me.

Listen buddy. It’s someone’s fucking wedding day. You bet your ass those motherfuckers are going to be excited AF to be marrying each other because they just spent like $30,000 on a god damn party. This is the day where you’re the most in love. You can’t compare your day to day relationship to a couple on their wedding day because you’ll lose every time.

There were a few other things peppered in like we weren’t “100% compatible” and had different senses humor. I mean that’s not true for anyone BUT OKAY.

Still, I begged him to stay and take it all back which wasn’t my best moment. I only wanted to be with him and I was so sure I had found my person. Everything I had wanted up to that point I felt I had and it fucking destroyed me that he didn’t see what I saw.

He held me the whole time as I sobbed and tried to change his mind. He said our relationship “hadn’t progressed forward” and so I doubled down. He was moving in a month and I said I’d get my car, pack it up, and move with him. I didn’t care. Don’t want to get married? Fine. I’d live. He said no.

Probably about an hour into my bullshit I realized that it was truly over. I remember between sobs looking into his eyes and having a moment of clarity. He was done. He was going to leave and I wouldn’t see or speak to him ever again. I’d have to date again. Fuck that noise. Text someone for days, meet up, and be disappointed? NOPE. Then came round two of full out sobbing.

During all this, I heard my roommate in the kitchen while he and I reached the point where we were ready to be done with the sob fest. I didn’t want her to see me looking like a fucking shit show so we laid on the bed and cuddled one last time.

I told him how much I loved seeing him with my family and that’s what made me want babies with him. I just loved him so fucking much I wanted to put more of him in the world. He told me that I was the best girlfriend he ever had and I did everything right…but like apparently not because here I am writing about my god damn break up. BUT I DIGRESS.

He kept saying that I was going to meet someone who would make me so happy. That his psychic/medium mother confirmed it. I just wanted to meet Jared all over again and relive everything. To see his face light up the way it did on our first date. To hug him again while he did the dishes. I wanted all of it.

When we broke up, I asked for him to mail me my things. He said he’d reach out in 2 weeks in case I wanted to meet so I could get closure. That fucking pissed the living shit out of me. I didn’t want to see him. He fucking ruined my life. Stop trying to be the nice guy and own up to the fact that you fucking wrecked me. Also JUST GIVE ME MY SHIT.

By the week 2 mark, I was feeling “fine”. I more of less felt numbed out but I was able to go to work and enjoy time with friends. I walked out the door at lunch for a doctor’s appointment and I saw his name pop up on my phone. Everything went black for a second and I felt my stomach flip.

12

I probably shouldn’t have said that but god damn, I wanted him to fucking hurt. He knew I wanted to get the fuck out of New Jersey the entire time we were together. If he wanted to really do “the right thing”, he would have dumped me before I renewed my lease.

I sobbed when I got home. Hard. But it was weirdly comforting knowing I got my dig in. I said everything I needed to in less than 10 words.

About a week later, I felt the urge to creep on social media. I typed his name into Facebook and it just listed our mutual friends. When I hit enter I saw it. He deleted me. I went through every other platform and he unfollowed me. I can’t explain it, but that was the last straw. For the most part, I was keeping it together. I would cry myself to sleep but I was doing great at work and if anything, I was doing my job better. I was working out, seeing friends, and on my way to finding my new normal. This undid a lot of that.

It felt so fucking personal. How dare this fucker cut me out AGAIN when I apparently did nothing wrong. I’m sorry that seeing my face gives you hell. It fucking should.

So then I sobbed at work and my boss walked in on it. (Isn’t life grand?) I got home and saw my box of stuff next to the stairwell. Great. It would come in that day. Took it upstairs and opened it up to find a letter sitting on the top. Here we go again.

I read it and started sobbing like someone had died. I was so loud that I was concerned someone would call the cops so I had to get a pillow to muffle it. (#CityLiving) To sum it up, the letter basically said that I was such an incredible support, deserved love, and was an amazing person. That I “would find great love” because I was great love.

I believed everything in that letter was true. I did. But at the same time if everything in it was true, why the fuck would you break up with me? And, why would you send me another emotional mess to clean up?

Like any crazy bitch would do, I texted him and asked him to call me because I had questions. FUCK IT. I held my tongue long enough. I was done with him getting to be “the nice guy”. I was pissed that all this was what he wanted and how it felt like this whole break up was about him and his feelings.

So we talked. And these were the answers I got.

  • He wrote the letter because if he was in my situation he felt he would have wanted it but he was sorry that it made things worse.
  • He didn’t say those things to me when I gave him the chance to talk because since he wasn’t the one broken up with, he didn’t feel like it was his place to say anything.
    • But it was apparently his place to write me a fucking letter?
  • If I got anything from the letter, it was to know my worth.
    • Once again, if I’m this great why would you let me go?
    • Also, I know I’m a damn catch. I don’t need you to tell me so you can feel better about yourself.
  • He had been telling himself that he was “doing the right thing” and all that nice guy shit when moments were hard.
    • This pissed the living shit out of me
    • He also admitted that he too had been crying at work on occasion, still loved me, thought about me every day, and that things had been hard for him.
    • Also, what I texted him really hurt.
      • I took sick pleasure in knowing that.
  • He broke up with me because we had “different goals”. When I asked what mine were he said, “To be a stay at home mom, on a farm, in Maryland”.
    • Only 1/3 of that is true
    • I apparently joked so much about not working, he really thought that was what I wanted and he didn’t want to live it.
  • His goal was, “to take over the world”. Specifics were not identified.
    • I lost my shit when I heard this. How can I not be supportive of a goal that hasn’t even been identified?
  • It really did bother him that we had different senses of humor. That we didn’t find 100% of the same things funny.
    • This also made me lose my shit.
    • No couple, ever, finds exactly the same things funny. We all come from different places and have had different experiences. Because of that, some of us are drier, some are darker, some love puns. BUT OKAY YEAH.
    • When asked to give more detail he said humor is very important to him and he just had high standards…I TELL JOKES ON STAGE, OWN A FUCKING PUPPET, AND WRITE THIS SMUT FOR ALL YOU FUCKERS. YOU REALLY THINK HUMOR ISN’T REALLY IMPORTANT FOR ME TOO?
  • He wasn’t ready for our relationship to be as serious as it was and he didn’t know what he wanted from the beginning.
    • He was the one who used the word “boyfriend” first
    • I was sitting next to him when he told his brother he wanted to live with me
    • We fought over baby names
    • He said repeatedly during our relationship that I was the love of his life
    • He said I was the only girlfriend he had ever seen a future with
  • He had doubts the whole time but really started considering pulling the plug in May.
    • My lease ran out in July so I could have moved had this discussion happened earlier
    • Our 1-year was in July so we could have avoided all that shit and I’d have some extra money to buy myself more vodka right about now
  • It was the marriage thing that did it at the end of the day.

To say I felt weird after that call is an understatement. I had my own theories and ideas and the call confirmed everything. All these things were in his head and it all came down to his own fucking bullshit. On the flip side, despite him trying to say all these things to make me feel better it only dug up my own insecurities. I hadn’t been enough for a lot of different things in my life. I was never thin enough growing up. I wasn’t smart enough in school. And as it turns out I wasn’t funny enough for Jared either. I did everything fucking right and it still wasn’t enough for him to want a future with me.

That was painful.

It took some time to work through that and it’s something I’m still working through. When someone you thought would always be in your corner hurts you like that, it fucks with your ego and it’s been tough to process.

I’ve been asked how I’m doing and truthfully I don’t know. Pretty much every morning I wake up with knots in my stomach, I have trouble falling asleep, my hair has been falling out, and my eating patterns make absolutely no sense.

For the most part I just feel a bit numb and I’m just going through the motions sometimes. When I have a moment to think about everything, I just feel farther and farther from the life I knew. I keep expecting to wake up from all this shit and hear Jared say, “Good morning babe!” as he leans in to kiss me.

As for dating, I’m feeling slightly lost. I’ve been looking inward at my own goals and been questioning if another person can even fit into them right now. At the same time, I feel this crazy internal pressure to get back out there because if I want to have children, I need to be aware of “the clock”. (No joke, every time I watch This Is Us I have an urge to hold a million babies and cry). So right now I’m kind of dating passively. I’m not putting in any more fucking effort than I have to and seeing what the fuck happens.

But during all this shit, a friend told me that when you’re healing there are days that you can only handle being open to it. And that’s okay. Being open is the first step to giving yourself grace and sometimes that’s enough to start big change.

Here I am. Being open to healing with all of you. I don’t know when I’ll be back to my full self, or even what that would look like, but I’m open to seeing where I go from here.

 

TBT: The Hooks

Published on by datinglauraLeave a comment

Name: Connor*

App: Tinder

Situation Duration: 5 Months

What Happened:

After a few unsuccessful first dates I found myself back on Tinder swiping away. Everything was business as usual until I came across Connor’s profile. I had known Connor from high school and always thought he was cute. Tall, smart, funny, dog person, and had a really nice set of hands. (I like a man who can palm a basketball, come at me). Immediately I swiped right thinking nothing would come of it.

Then one night while out for margs I got the notification. I MATCHED WITH CONNOR. HOLY SHIT BALLS. I may or may not have done a small happy dance in the restaurant. My friends convinced me to message first and it just went from there.

Connor and I’s first date was at my favorite spot in NH. After making jokes at some guy’s expense at the bar, I apparently made a decent impression on him. We went out again, and again, and again until we were seeing each other every week for about 5 months.

I’ll admit. I didn’t just fall for Connor. I fell fucking hard. He checked off all the boxes on my “list”, was a genuinely good person, and never made me feel stupid for the way I viewed the world.  We connected on some unique things that I may not “look for” but are welcomed bonuses.  Also he would remember all the small, weird shit I’d say and could make me laugh all the time. (And best sex. Hands down. Holy shit. No joke, I would give a kidney for that).

After about 3 months of this I wanted to know where it was going. After all, we were seeing each other every week and I didn’t know how to answer the “Do you have a boyfriend?” question at bars. We went out for dinner and while we were parked in his car on the way back he referred to me as “the girl he’s been seeing”. I responded with:

“Oh, we’re dating now?”

“Oh? Casually seeing?”

“No that was a genuine question. What is this?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to lead you on but I also don’t know if I want a relationship right now”

“Want to just do what we’re doing for the next 2 months and figure it out?”

“Sure”

And then we made out. A lot.

I was okay with his answer…at first. His last relationship ended with him finding out his girlfriend cheated on him. I completely get that he had some shit to figure out. But I’m also a fucking nut job and love to ruin things.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What was I doing? Why did I like him so much? Should I break up with him? How do I even break up with him if we’re not dating? But he was a fucking fantastic person and I was happy when I was with him. SHIT.

I of course, never said anything. After another few months of great dates, wonderful conversations, and several rolls in the hay, I never heard from him again. (Excluding Snapchat)

The last time I saw him we got drinks, hung out at his place, fucked, and I was there until the afternoon. I left and that was it. I wanted him to reach out so bad. I felt like it was no longer my place to keep setting up dates if he didn’t really want it. Who knows, maybe he was waiting for me to reach out and that was my mistake. Both of us were just as capable of sending a text and I was being petty. I should have just done it, asked him point blank what was up, and gone from there. But I didn’t.

About 2 months after we had last seen each other I decided to move to NYC and I still held out a sliver of hope that he’d reach out. I even drunkenly snapped him on my birthday and texted him the next day to apologize hoping it would start a conversation. It didn’t. I invited him to my going away party as a last ditch effort. Not to start anything with him but more to close that door. He went up to the lake instead…with a girl…who he’s now dating (so much for that whole not wanting a relationship thing. BUT I DIGRESS).

By far, this has been the toughest “relationship” I ever had to get over because there was no definitive end and we only had positive experiences together. It’s not like I could blame it on the fact that we fought all the time, didn’t have anything in common, or had terrible sex.

My one regret was not having the balls to be honest because I got nothing out of keeping my feelings to myself. What would have been the difference in my life if I had said something and the feelings weren’t returned vs my life now? Fucking nothing. I didn’t say anything and we still ended up not talking.

The question I get all the time is if I’m over him. Yes but no (This one Jason Mraz song explains it so much better than I can). If he called me right now, you can bet my pathetic ass would pick up. At the same time I’ve realized that given the current circumstances of both our lives, it won’t happen so there’s no point in staying on his hook. If we’re meant to be, it will happen either in this life or another but I’m not going to lock myself away in a tower waiting for something that isn’t possible.

But most importantly, I see he’s happy and it would be incredibly selfish for me to reach out and ruin that. It may suck sometimes to look back on and accept, but it’s reality. As strange as it may be to say, I’m oddly happy that he’s happy. We both were put through the relationship ringer in 2016 and to see that he came out on the other side gives me weird, bittersweet, hope for myself.

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