Encounter #31.1: Above Average

App: Hinge

Name: Jared*

Date Location: Salute Brick Oven Bistro – Montclair, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Although the menu is essentially all in Italian, the food is BOMB and it’s BYOB so you can get as drunk as you want for as little as you want.

Date Duration: 7 hours

What Happened:

I had kept the same Hinge profile since I got the app. My photos had not changed too much and I liked my answers to some of their conversation starters. Over the course of 8 months I started to notice patterns on what people would “Like” to open the conversation with me. 2 photos in particular get more play but there’s a video of a comedy performance I have that rarely gets noticed. This is what Jared “Liked” to start the conversation.

The conversation just worked with him and in less than a day we exchanged numbers. We texted up the ass and I just didn’t care because he was so fucking funny and we had the same sense of humor. HOW.

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I also drunk texted him. A lot. The first weekend we were texting, I was in DC visiting a friend. I won’t lie, I normally go pretty hard when I go out. DC was another form. It had been several months since I had blacked out and I did not remember ANY of what I said to Jared.

He apparently thought it was cute and then let me drunk text him again when I went home for July 4th. ..and again when I went to party on the 5th. (I drink a lot during the summer. COME AT ME)

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For the first time, in a long time, I was fully excited to meet someone. I knew the basics of who he was but even over text he could make me smile.

He lived near Montclair (a VERY bougie place in NJ) so I met him over there for dinner. As I was staring and waving at a dog that walked by, Jared appeared. He was a lanky lanky white boy. But he had the biggest smile. Alright, I can and have done worse.

I was so excited that he brought white wine. I don’t know if it was chance or that he remembered I liked it but it worked in his favor. Right off the bat, we got along. It took us over a half hour to order food because we just wouldn’t shut the fuck up. (The food was BOMB btw. Got those meatballs with the fontina cheese in it and some kind of breaded chicken with rosemary. So good!)

We also killed the bottle of wine pretty quickly. OOPS. (By we I mean me. Damage was done.) When we finished at the restaurant he asked if I wanted to see the rest of downtown Montclair. On the way, we passed a bar that my co-worker recommended and we stopped in front of it. He was talking all about it and showing me the fun things and I felt him touch me a little more. Nothing crazy. Just a hand briefly on my back or my arm. So I thought to myself, FUCK IT IMMA TOUCH HIM. So I touched his arm and leaned into him a bit. Then we kissed. (In front of an abandoned church and garbage can.) Then it turned into a light make out and when we stopped and looked at each other, he had the dorkiest smile on his face. It was adorable.

He took my hand and we walked around a little bit (may have made out on another street corner) and we finally decided that standing on a corner and talking was kind of awk. We sat on a half wall and kept talking and making out for the next 2 hours.

During this time, he told me how nervous he was to meet me. So nervous that he went to Kohl’s on his lunch break to get a new outfit for the date. He also said that for the first time since high school, he had butterflies. SO. SWEET. To top it off, when we started talking, he had a few other conversations with girls going but he stopped answering because I was the only one he really wanted to talk to.

Around 10-something he walked me to my car where we made out slammed up against the trunk of my hatchback. For 2 hours. During this time, there was a tiny Asian lady in her car 2 spots from mine and we had no idea she was there until she pulled out of the garage. OOPS. We were going at it pretty hard to the point I had several hickeys on my neck and he indirectly asked me to come back to his place. I declined, but we continued on making out like teenagers.

I drove him back to where he parked and we made out for the entire Shawn Mendes album. My brother was staying at my apartment so things were cut short when he decided to call me at 1am and see if I was dead. THANKS BRO.

I drove home so happy for once. As a general life note, during this time I had been having some trouble with my physical and mental health. I was tired of being miserable so I joined a gym by my work and signed up for talkspace. (If you are in a bind at all because of insurance, cost, time, etc. I really encourage you to check out talkspace. It’s super easy to use and they work quickly to find you a therapist.) When this self care started I told myself that unless I already had a conversation going, I wouldn’t pursue anything. At the time, the only person I was speaking to was Jared and he completely surpassed any and all expectations. Date #2 was underway.

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Situation #8.1: The Coworker

Name: Elijah*

Date Location: Miriam Restaurant Brooklyn Museum

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Super crowded for brunch. His food wasn’t too flavorful or anything to ride home about but I loved my bacon, egg, and cheese on a croissant.

5.0 Stars – Super affordable, not one of those museums where you feel like a privileged asshole, nice exhibits

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Elijah and I were former coworkers with a slight history. Nothing ever happened between us because I had a boyfriend at the time and our company was not one for coworkers to date. That said, I had always felt like there was something between us. Even if it was small. There’s no particular instance to reference but I remember him caring more than he should have about me. He would text me almost daily, we would eat dinner together fairly regularly, had deep conversations, and I did go up to his apartment once to cook him some of my family’s food. (Granted I got weirded out and made some of my other coworkers come over as a buffer.) It all sounds like regular friend stuff but there was something different about the way he would go about it.

He was a really attractive guy and I would joke all the time to my friends about him. “Ohh you know if I was single I’d hit that…“, “UGH. Elijah is so hot…”, “He can get it!” By the time we both left our positions I had moved back to NH to be with my then boyfriend and he moved abroad.

Once in awhile he would slide into my DMs. We would chat a little but no major conversations were had. Then, he let me know that he was coming to NYC and wanted to catch up. OH HOT DAMN. We compared schedules and the day was set.

Going in I had no idea what to expect. Not only was I hung over as shit to the point that life felt like an out of body experience, I looked like a one night stand with my hair from the night before, and I had limited contact with him for the past 3 years. WAS THIS A DATE OR JUST FRIENDS? FUCKKKK.

Elijah strolled up while I was sitting on a curb trying not to puke my brains out. He looked hot AF. We hugged and took our seats for brunch. Since I was trying not to puke I basically was company for Elijah while he ate. We caught up on life and I really had no idea where the day was going to go. At one point he looked up, smiled at me, said “I’m really happy I got to see you”, and touched my leg. A bug was flying close by so I wasn’t sure how to gauge that leg thing. But shit. That smile. DAYUM.

It was such a beautiful day that we met my friend for a walk in the park. She dropped us off at the Brooklyn Museum and we worked our way through the exhibits (and a lot of vagina art).

At one point he made a comment of, “Oh I know what you’ve been up to. I won’t lie. I kind of stalk you on Instagram.” OKAY ELIJAH. We took a few selfies and I felt as if his body was closer to me than normal. But then again he was about 80 feet tall so he probably had to be that close since I was so short. Every time we approached a door, he opened it and guided me through ahead of him with his hand on the small of my back. Then later on he was taking photos but since we had a Facebook chat going my profile picture was pulled as an icon on the side of the screen. He said something along the lines of, “Now every time I take a picture I get to look at your sexy legs.” Maybe this was a date?

We went through a few of the exhibits and high fived. Then instead of letting my hand drop by my side, he held it. OH. SHIT. I WAS ON A DATE. My stomach had butterflies and everything. While staring at an old tv he came up behind me, rested his chin on my shoulder, pressed his face into my neck, and I felt his entire body envelope me. It sounds ridiculous, but it had been awhile since I was touched in such an affectionate way. In a way that didn’t feel transactional or as a step to something else and was so genuine. I was so happy.

We left the museum holding hands and we walked to a park nearby. He had his arm around me on the bench while I ate my sandwich left over from brunch then we just sat there chatting and taking in everything. I had forgotten just how kind and smart he was.

His brother was in Bryant Park and it was about time I dragged my ass back to NJ so we took the train back to Manhattan together. On the way to the train station, we had our arms around each other as we walked and when he would lean in to look at the photos I took on the way he would stand close with his hand on my back. On the train it continued. We were both holding onto the overhead bars and he pulled me into him before holding my hand again.

We reached our station where we both had change overs. We hugged and the whole time I wondered if he was going to do it. Would we finally kiss? After 5 years of tension, HE FUCKING DID IT. ELIJAH KISSED ME. And oh my goodness it was good. So soft. Right amount of suction. Just enough tongue. Then we went our separate ways.

I knew it would never work between us. He lived abroad, I don’t do long distance, and it was just one day. But it restored my hope in humanity. For so long I had questioned if my standards were too high, I was being too picky, these guys I had been going out with were fine, and I was just looking for a problem. I was so sick of being treated like an after thought and here Elijah was genuinely making me feel like I was the only person who mattered in that moment. I needed to know that still existed and I don’t think he’ll ever know just how much I needed that day with him.

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Encounter #21.2: Brooklyn Babe

App: Hinge

Name: Khalil*

Date Location: Apotheke, Pulqueria, and Le Barricou

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Atmosphere is cool. It’s one of those hand-crafted cocktail spots and has an apothecary theme. So over these millennials and their $18 cocktail bullshit.

3.5 Stars– Has a tiki theme and really clean bathrooms. Music wasn’t bad, just not the most danceable.

5.0 Stars– Pancakes. 2 inches thick. Holy shit, died and went to heaven.

Date Duration: 21 hours

What Happened:

Less than 24 hours after seeing each other we were already back out. He offered to come out to Hoboken but I was still in shock that he made it out to NJ in the first place. I didn’t want to force him to come out to my side of the river again especially since it was super gross out.

He picked a spot in Chinatown and the stage was set. I beat him to the bar so I had to deal with annoying ass millennials taking 4 hours to order drinks that take 80 years to make because the fucking glass had to be frozen. Damn kids and their fancy cocktails. (Really, the place was cool. I am just developing a hatred for this fancy cocktail trend). We had a few drinks but since there was no good place to stand we moved to the tequila bar next door. More my vibe.

We were knocking back beers and he got more flirtatious with me. He said that the whole time we were together the night before he hoped I’d ask him back to my place and he really wanted to kiss me the whole night. He also made his feelings more obvious physically. He stood behind me and had his arm around me while I drank my beer at the bar. Then we kissed. Music was picking up so we made our way to the dance floor.

Just to give you a picture, it was 10/11pm when we hit the floor which in NYC translates to still early. While everyone else in the bar was starting to pick their prospect for the night he had me out on the floor, grinded on me, and we were making out heavily.

Then he posed the question. “Do you want to come back to Brooklyn?” Damn. Okay. This was it. We were going to fuck on the second date. As much PTSD as I had from the last time I was in Brooklyn, this was about to be my redemption. I agreed.

We made out in the Lyft on the way to his apartment and I was blown away by his place. Not only did he have heat and electricity, there was art on the walls, it was reasonably clean, had a patio, and he offered me water. OH MY STARS!

We moved to his room and he threw some music on. Then this motherfucker picked me up and threw me down on the bed. We were having that kind of night. We made out, clothes came off, and he immediately went down on me. I could respect his style.

I moved to reciprocate the efforts and oh my god… Boy had a beer can for a dick. HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT GOING TO FIT? I HADN’T STRETCHED. I put in my best efforts all while wondering how the fuck this was going to work. I had fucked a guy before with, what I considered, a big dick and things were fine but only in porn had I seen a cock that intense and in a matter of minutes I was going to find out what that was like.

It hurt like a bitch. Although his efforts were valiant in the beginning, I’m not sure any amount of prep would have made me ready for that. As time went on things got better but after several minutes I kind of felt like Jim from The Office staring into the camera so I may or may not have started to fake it just to make it stop.

He didn’t stop. I ultimately asked for a break which he was cool with. As we made out afterwards he mentioned that he usually doesn’t finish. Great. My vag is about to be a tunnel. …we fucked 3 more times that night.

Khalil was one who was eager to please. After the second round of fucking, he low key made it his mission to finish me off. He was so fucking slick how he asked too. After having the conversation on not finishing he asked if I ever had and what the guy did to make it happen. I didn’t want to disclose absolutely everything about my sex life on the second date so I mentioned how this guy I used to fuck would me pull me across the bed and give me oral like it was his favorite thing to be doing. This correction was immediately applied.

It was a new experience being with someone who was so into my body. Not only was he very enthusiastic about doing things to me he said, “I could eat you out all day. Do you realize how amazing your pussy is?” No sir. No, I don’t. He also kept saying how fucking amazing my body was (#BodybyMcDonalds), he was so into me, I was so cute, and fun to be around. Honestly these are things that I just had never heard before, at least not in such a direct way. So rationally my first thought was, WTF is wrong with this guy?

We woke up within 5 minutes of each other and as soon as he realized I was conscious he went right for going down on me and we fucked. This time was much better because at this point my organs were replaced by a gaping hole to Narnia. I also may or may not have queefed in his face 5 times. He was cool with it. I was mortified. For the next 3-4 hours after we just laid in bed making out and talking.

During the night he asked me if I’d go to brunch with him in the morning. Super unexpected. Because I’m a cynical asshole I figured I would be kicked out at some point but this guy cuddled all night between fucking. It was time to make moves and Khalil brought up the brunch thing again. He was serious about it? Weird. As we walked over he held my hand and while we were waiting for a table he pulled me in and kissed me on the forehead. A boy being affectionate? Does not compute.

One thing I liked about Khalil was that he could also eat like a champ. We went through 2 orders of hash browns and an order of fries before we even touched these thick ass pancakes. I can get down with a man who feeds me and can also do some damage.

During brunch there was one conversation which I found interesting. The topic of dating apps came up and he asked how long I had been using them. I was honest. I said about 2 years but during that time I did see someone for a bit so it wasn’t a consistent 2 years. I asked him the same and he said a month. Damn, Khalil! One month in and here you are after a night of record fucking with some pancakes? Boy got some moves!

On the way back to his apartment he asked what I was doing the rest of the day. I let him know I had plans later that night but had some time before I needed to go. So we hit the shower and hung out in his room for a bit before heading out. While we were laying on the bed he asked when he could see me next and said that even though his “life is pretty dope”, he would be thinking of me until we met up again. Okaaaaay. It was time to leave and he rode the train with me until my stop, we kissed, and he texted me the next day which was a new thing for me.

Upon returning home, I began the classic Laura “I’m interested but I’m not” dance. Typically around date 2, AKA every second date I make it to, I have this inner crisis. Obviously if the person makes it this far I must like him and in theory he likes me. But in the back of my head I always think that if I have any doubts this would be the time to cut it off. So I begin to convince myself that I don’t like him and turn to friends to agree that indeed, he sucks. They never agree, think I’m a psycho, and reassure me that he’s worth it. Now that I have all this confidence that he is indeed a decent guy, I give myself the opportunity to develop feelings.

After our date, the cycle began. I had convinced myself that he was actually the greatest player of all time and there was no way he was actually that into me. Yeah, he came to NJ, brought me chocolate, said I was dope, didn’t know why he was so comfortable around me, and said that he could lay in bed with me all day BUT ANYONE COULD DO THAT, RIGHT? He had only been on apps for a month and this was NYC. He was just going to keep me around until someone better with a stretchier vagina came around.

I had a show and a competition the next week so we didn’t see each other but he texted me on the day of my competition to wish me luck. WHY WAS HE SO NICE? 

At the end of the weekend I texted him and asked to hang out again. He said yes and suggested coming to NJ so I started stretching. …he cancelled the morning of. A few days later he asked me what I was doing that night. I had a busy day but I let him know when I’d be done. He flaked again.

Finally, the stars aligned. We both had snow days and my roommate was out. So I started stretching for date #3.

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Encounter #17.1: Hollywood

App: Hinge

Name: Todd*

Date Location: Mustang Harry’s & Bar 13

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Awesome apps, kick ass happy hour, most delightful owner

2.5 Stars – Thank god the lights were off because it’s literally someone’s basement. Don’t blacklight anything. FIRE playlist though

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

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Oh hey, Luke Perry

I’m just going to say it. I “Liked” Todd because he looked like the guy from 90210 and I wanted to see just how much he looked like him. That was our starting point.

Leading up, we really didn’t talk. Actually the night of our original chat ended when he said he needed to do stuff for work so I should just shoot him a message when I got back from my weekend trip. Ballsy.

In my inifinite wisdom I took it like a challenge and honestly, I was kinda impressed. Instead of ghosting he just said he was busy and wouldn’t answer. (The fact this was my barometer for a decent guy says a lot).

Within only a few messages he asked me out for drinks and had me pick the bar. After a previously unsuccessful trip at Mustang Harry’s, I wanted to try it out.

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He can teach me any time

I met him at a table which was unexpected but welcome because that meant a solid possibility of food. Todd was a really good time. No lags in conversation, kept telling me I was pretty and how great I was, and he seemed to have his shit together. To top it off, he had a decent job in construction management, was Italian, loved Pitbull, lived alone, was also getting into country music, wanted to do touristy NY shit, had a close family, grew up in NY, and looked like Will Schuester in the right light (surprisingly not like Luke Perry as an FYI).

We were having such good conversation and the topic of bachata came up. He had no idea how to do it and I had always wanted to go. With no hesitation he pulled his phone out, asked if I wanted to go that night, and found a spot. Holy. Shit.

We had time to kill before the club opened so we stayed at the first bar for awhile. Out of nowhere the manager came up to us, started talking, and we got free drinks. It was at this point I realized that I was more sober than Todd. I had only 2 beers and maybe half of my next drink. He had 2 shots, 2 beers, 1 mixed drink, and he finished mine. This is after he said he didn’t drink heavily that often. Oh Todd, you were hanging out with Laura. You will be drunk.

After we finished our last round we moved to the Latin club to get our bachata on. Everything was pretty good until we got to the club. I will be the first to say that I have no patience for other people especially when it comes to dumb questions. The club had a sign hanging from the awning that had the business name. When we got there the bouncer explained that downstairs was the Latin spot and upstairs was hip hop. Todd pointed to the sign and said “What’s this then?” It annoyed me so much for no reason. Then I realized it wasn’t the question that bothered me in this case. It was how he said it. He sounded exactly like my ex. Then as I thought about it, he had other similar tendencies which reminded me of the ex. The way he talked to the manager, how he talked about me, the other questions he asked. I couldn’t unsee it and I was incredibly annoyed on the inside.

But we were at the club and I couldn’t dip from just being “annoyed”. We ultimately headed to the hip hop club and entered a room which should never have the lights turned on let alone have a blacklight on it. No joke, it looked like a high school kid’s dream basement.

Since Todd reminded me of my ex I needed beer. STAT. So I downed 2 Coronas and somehow convinced him to also down 2 despite him already being quite drunk. Ohhh well.

We took on the dance floor and by took on I mean I was breaking shit down while he kinda stood there doing a slight straight-guy-shuffle. Every now and there I’d check in on him and we started getting pretty touchy. But not in a gross way. Actually, he was really sweet. He would pull me in, have his hand on my lower back, pull me close to talk, and keep his arm behind me as we stood at the bar. It may not seem like anything noteworthy, but it had been awhile since someone touched me in such a tender and respectful way. (Once again, these standards say a lot).

It had been a long day, Todd was sloshed, so it was time to head out. When we reached the corner to part ways, we kissed (in front of a food cart with the guy staring right at us).

We texted a few times over the weekend but when it came to setting another date, our schedules just weren’t lining up. He had to work late all week and I was heading home to see my sister that weekend. Throughout that entire time span, not one text from him. And really, I had no complaints about it. We shared a fantastic night but once again I wasn’t 100% down, I didn’t want to string him along, and I didn’t want to have another awkward fuck.

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Encounter #9.1: Wrong Page

App: Tinder

Name: Pharrell*

Date Location: Suite 36

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Definitely a really cool spot to go to at night. Their happy hour was affordable, playlist was on point, and looks like it would be a hot club at night.

Date Duration: 2-3 hours

What Happened:

Pharrell and I had been texting for about a week before meeting up. He suggested we ask each other 21 questions, no repeats, 100% honesty. Gimmicky. But fine. I don’t have shit to hide. He was a really interesting guy. He played football through college, studied Economics/International Relations, from California, and had a really special relationship with his mom. Oh. He was also really fucking hot and looked like a buff Pharrell.

We met up and I was more than happy to see he looked like his photos. We kept with our theme of grilling each other. I found out that he worked at NBC and although I have no idea what exactly his job was, he gets to meet some cool people. THE BOY MET OPRAH. We also had almost exact views on religion and politics and had similar kinks so that was a new experience.

I had asked him, “What’s something I should know now that I’m going to find out later?”. And the other foot dropped. He had been in a relationship for 5 years and now that it was over, he was not interested in being in a relationship right now. Shit.

Crazy Laura heard, “He only says that because he hasn’t dated me yet”. Realistic Laura saw a repeat of the Connor situation where she falls for a guy who isn’t 100% into her but has amazing sex with.

Despite that, I really did have a wonderful time. For the first time in months I went on a date that didn’t make me uncomfortable AND I would have wanted a second date.

He walked me back to my train stop and said that he had a feeling he’d be in NJ by December 10th. I sassed him back. “Oh really. I don’t know, no one ever wants to come out to NJ.” He insisted he would and pinky promised. Shit’s serious.

However, when I texted him the next day with the “Hey, had a good time blah blah blah” text, I didn’t hear back. Maybe it’s for the best? On one hand, I want nothing more than to be with someone who makes me happy. I love that feeling when you just love the fucking shit out of another person and it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to do that. But that’s not what he wanted and it would be stupid to try to force it. That being said, I needed to get laid. Like yesterday and this was another set back.

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Situation #3.1: The Wedding Date

Name: David*

Location: Friend’s wedding in Maryland

What Happened:

When being invited to a wedding there are 2 strategies:

  1. Find a boy to go with you
  2. Take one of your girls so you can get some action

Went for Option 2 and brought my girl Katey. Before even heading to the wedding, Katey asked what my intentions for the wedding were. I said to make out with hot boys and dance my ass off. That mission was accomplished.

We get to the ceremony and I remember looking across the way and seeing a group of cute guys. Target acquired: just needed an opportunity to strike. During cocktail hour the stage was set. It started getting windy and I was helping someone clear a few tables in the corner. I started combining glasses of champagne and then I hear, “Oh, those aren’t going to waste are they?” I look up and there are the cute boys from earlier. I hand the glasses over, say to double fist, and we clinked glasses.

When the dance floor opened you know Katey and I headed on over. We were breaking that shit downnn. And then the boys came over. Out of the group, there were 2/3 really hot ones. Like 9s. Weddings are cool. They bring out the feels in everyone…as does copious amounts of beer.

One guy in particular, David, made his move. We danced and kept getting closer. It got to the point that the bride came up to me and said, “Those are some of my husband’s closest friends. They’re all great guys. Have fun tonight!” Oh, we did. Within a few songs we were making out, he was grabbing my ass, and kissing my neck.

We walked around holding hands and kept making out. However, something happened. I eat very clean normally. I didn’t that weekend. So while we were outside I let out the most ripe fart of my life. David turned to me and starts saying how it smells really bad outside and we should go in because it smells so bad. …I said nothing.

Despite my party foul we kept dancing, making out, and then the reception was wrapping up. Katey and I were going to head out for donuts and go home but David and his friend asked for a ride to the casino for the after party. It was on the way so we drove their drunk asses back. David found me on Facebook in the car and pointed out the fact that I look hot in my profile pic but it looks nothing like me in person. COOL.

Aside from that, I thought he was really cute and it’s not often I find a man who can keep up on the dance floor. So I messaged him, we talked for a day or so, and that was it. Well, until September.

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Encounter #2.3: Hat Guy

App: Tinder

Name: Dan*

Date Location: McSwiggan’s

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – If you want to watch a train wreck this is the spot. Trivia, beginner open mic comedy, cheap beer. What more can you want?

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

It was my turn to pick the spot and after doing some Google research (AKA typing in “comedy” and seeing what’s close to my train stop) I found McSwiggan’s. McSwiggan’s is a delightful little shit hole. In the back room they had open mic comedy. Now, I am no comedian but I am a performer. I understand it is difficult to get up there in front of people. …but I also know the importance of practice. Nearly every act turned to the Emcee to ask how much time they had left in their 4 minute sets and followed with an “Ohhhh fuck”. They may not have known it but that shit made it that much better. At one point Dan turned to me and said, “Oh my God. This is terrible. You fucking nailed it. This is everything I could have wanted and more” POINT FOR YOUR GIRL LAURA.

Anyways, after watching all the acts we went back to the bar and hung out before trivia started. But there was one thing Dan had to get out of the way. He says,

“You know there’s a lot of tension right now”

Really?”

“Yeah, it’s the third date and we still haven’t kissed yet. Just saying.”

You know whenever you’re ready sir. I’ll be there to support you.

“Fuck I just have to do this”

And then we made out at the bar to Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing“.

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It is at this moment I want to note that he actually really hates PDA and was bright red.

…then we made out more.

We spent the rest of the night basically sitting on top of each other as our trivia team, Slam Pigs, got its ass kicked.

He had to work the next day so we headed out holding hands. We got to the corner where I had to turn for my train and he said he wanted to keep walking with me but it was late and he had to work…but he really wanted to keep walking. We then made out again on the corner, he jumped into a cab, and I went on my way.

As a general note, I’m not a big texter when it comes to dating. I think that if you’re constantly texting someone you won’t have anything to talk about in person and I’m not about the awkward silence. So, I waited a few days to text him and just let him know when I was free that week if he wanted to get together. And then I got this bullshit.

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WE DIDN’T HAVE SEX. Bruh, if you wanted to fuck me all you had to do was ask. Don’t give me these excuses if you never said anything. And let’s be real, I was DTF. I would have gladly gone home with you.

I didn’t really know how to respond so all I said was, “It’s cool. Hope you find what you’re looking for” and never heard from him again. Thus proving, never swipe right on guys in hats.

Encounter #2.2: Hat Guy

App: Tinder

Name: Dan*

Date Location: Pier I & Central Park

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Beautiful summer spot. On the water and you can order food (and full bottles of wine) at a stand then bring it to your table. Plus lots of people walking their dogs.

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

I met up with Dan and he was already ready with a bottle of white wine. A man after my own heart. We downed it and ordered fried snacks. It was such a beautiful place and the sun was going down over the water while we chatted.

Once again, conversation was on point. Rarely do I find that someone meets my standards in this realm. Aside from making me nearly pee myself laughing, we got to the shit and had the past relationship conversation. Also, he kept complimenting me in ways I never have experienced. I was telling him a story of how this guy I used to fuck around with chapped his dick from riding a motorcycle and his response was, “That’s really sexy how you said that. ‘Fucking around’. I like it”. And he caught on to how I spoke and pointed out my “Laura Catch Phrases”.

We walked over to Central Park and he took my hand and pulled me over a fence to watch the cast of Shakespeare in the Park rehearse. I couldn’t tell you how the actors were because we kept making our own commentary and crude comments.

We strolled around for awhile trying to find the area of the park where dogs walk at night but ultimately gave up and sat in a gazebo by the lake. Then things got a smidge awkward.

Everything was business as usual until he said, “You know this is really weird for me. It’s the second date. Usually we’d be getting down right now…Oh I made you uncomfortable. I’m sorry. Taking it slow is different for me but it’s really nice. It’s good”. KAYYY. But who am I to judge? Typically I don’t do second dates so maybe I should restructure my methods.

We walked to the train station and rode the subway together until we had to part ways on the platform and did the “who’s going in to kiss” look. Dan says, “You’re really sweaty. I’m really sweaty. Now is not the moment. I’ll text you later”, we hugged, and parted ways.

He did in fact text me later and we were on for Date #3.

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Encounter #2.1: Hat Guy

App: Tinder

Name: Dan*

Date Location: Fat Cat Lounge on the Lower West Side

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Super cool bar. There’s live jazz/swing music, cheap drinks, and dark lighting

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

I took a chance on Dan. Typically I will not swipe right on a person if they only wear hats in their photos, (Really, what are you hiding under there?!), but I figured I should stop being an asshole and give him a shot.

He met me outside of the bar and I was pleasantly surprised to see that despite wearing a hat, he was quite dreamy. Over 6 ft, blue eyes, broad shoulders, nice smile. DAMN.

He has probably been one of the most interesting people I’ve met. He lived off the grid for a year, before going “FUCK IT. Moving to NYC”, used to play football in high school despite being a shit, and now holds a management position in a construction company. For those who know me well, I’m really into men who can fix things.

It has been a long time since I connected with someone so quickly. There was no awkward silence or scrambling for a question, we made bestiality jokes, discussed racism, shared our most embarrassing moments, and exchanged numbers right then and there.

He walked me back to the train station and we awkwardly hugged. I got home, he had checked in to see if I made it back okay, and we got to work on the second date.

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