Situation #9.1: Fleet Week 2K18

What Happened:

Fleet Week is a magical week in NYC where sailors, marines, and coast guardsmen come into the city and we all get some military ass.

My Fleet Week started slow to say the least. I was sick that Friday night so couldn’t go out until Saturday. While I was sick at home, I swiped through Tinder like a fucking mad woman. I had not had decent action in awhile and truly I wasn’t entirely opposed to a one night stand with a guy who hadn’t seen a woman in months. I matched with this guy who was incredibly out of my league and was only in the city for the weekend. We exchanged numbers and decided that we would try to meet up at the same bar over the weekend.

Saturday night my friend and I went out in the city and found ourselves at Hair of the Dog. It was ratched AF. We were watching the basketball game and during breaks would look around to see where the crowd was at. About an hour in we saw them. Sailors. But we were not the only ones. Within seconds girls were all over them, wearing their hats, and trying to get pics for instagram. Upon further review, not one of these men was attractive so I ended up talking to a civilian, he took my number, and then I was weird. I was about to leave and couldn’t tell if he wanted to kiss or not. So we went in for the hug and my drunken mind thought it would be a great idea to kiss him on the cheek. I missed. Got the guy’s neck. OH WELL.

Since Saturday was a bust and it was a long weekend, we figured Sunday could be our redemption. We went out to the first bar with no luck. Moved to the one next door and saw those white uniforms. Perf. We got our beers and found a free table to watch the basketball game. The guys we were sitting with were all Cavaliers fans and one in particular would not shut the fuck up. Somehow, he ended up with my number. While we worked on our beers, the guy I matched with on Tinder let me know where he and his friends were headed and it wasn’t too too far from where we were. We downed our beers and made the trek over.

This bar was weird. It looked like a hallway that got converted to a shitty club because some kid had a bean bag chair and some dj equipment. The music was bad but we were a little turnt, wanted to dance, and I was waiting for Tinder guy to show up.

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Then everything happened so fast. My friend and I were dancing and probably 7 minutes into us being there both of us ended up with a marine. He and I danced for a minute and then he asked if I wanted a drink. I agreed and we got beers. The bar had slightly better lighting and I got a glimpse of his face. He was cute. Somehow age came up and he asked how old I thought he was. I guessed 20/21. He said 22. (Upon finding his instagram, he was actually 19). No joke, I don’t think he ever needs to shave. He then guessed my age and came up with 22. I’m 25 AKA grandma status.

Even though he was young, he explained that he was the highest ranked marine in the bar and was a gunner. Holy. Shit. This child had more balls than I ever will. I asked why he joined and he said “This” while motioning to the crowd. “It’s seeing everyone so happy and knowing I’m making it possible for them.” We kept talking and he said he was going to be shipped out to Syria in a year. FUCK. …then I gave him my number and we crushed some jagerbombs as one does.

We moved back out to the dance floor and were making out in seconds. He pressed me against the dj booth, felt me up, said how hot I was, sucked on my neck, and left a hickey while I ran my hands down his back and kissed his neck. He was ripped.

Despite me having a great time, my tinder “date” was not as amused.

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OH WELL.

My friend’s marine sucked so she said she was leaving. I had to leave my guy but it was a little difficult to do. That make out was really hot. When I got outside I couldn’t find her so I figured I’d call a Lyft and start heading out. The second I pulled my phone out another marine appeared to smoke a cigarette. He was a leaner guy who was maybe 5’9″. Truthfully, I couldn’t tell how attractive he was because the brim of his hat sat so low on his forehead but he didn’t look too too bad. He shared some fun nuggets of info. The one I distinctly remember was that he said, “Gay shit happens. No really, when you’re out there that long…I’ve cuddled with some guys before. It happens.”

Fam, I don’t know how this next part happened but in what felt like 2 minutes we were making out hard on the street, he gave me his number, and he was so fucking close to getting a hotel room. But alas, the Lyft got there before he could do anything else.

In the Lyft, I thought it would be a great idea to drunk text. Keep in mind, we have the guy from Saturday I was waiting on, the creepy guy, and 2 marines.

When I got this text, I was with my first marine and I thought it was the guy from the night before. After some beer, jagerbombs, and a few hours I then thought it was the first marine.

6…it was the creepy guy. FUCK.

I couldn’t remember the second marine’s name so when I opened my phone I saw a guy’s name and deduced it was his.

7.jpgWell that went well.

I was bummed. I really thought I would get at least one guy to text me that weekend. But low and behold, in the final hours I got an add on Snapchat and my marine came through.

89Thanks for the adventures Fleet Week. Until next time.

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Encounter #24.2: Strong Island

App: Hinge

Name: Antonio*

Date Location: The Keg Room

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Tasty apps, plenty of beer, has those really big windows that open so you can watch the people on the street.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

For one reason or another, I decided to give Antonio another shot. Leading up, I got the vibe that we were both a little disappointed in each other. We went from texting constantly to only a few times a day, he would always be the one to start the conversation, and the jokes just weren’t rolling. But I did make out with him the last time we went out and said to his face that I wanted to go out again so I had to follow through.

One thing that irked me was his planning. Once again he asked me out, picked the date, and could not take the time to just pick a goddamn bar. Really. It’s not hard. Yelp makes things incredibly easy. I found a bar by our train stations and sent the info over. An hour or 2 before we were going to meet he asked me where we were meeting. DA FUQ. Boy, we just went over this. If you needed the address just google the damn thing yourself.

Overall, nothing noteworthy really happened. We ate, I drank, the usual. A family friend was in the area so I had to leave to meet him a few blocks down. Antonio walked me over and when I got to my destination we made out. It was kind of sweet. I had my wallet in my hand but managed to drop it mid-kiss and we both started laughing then made out more.

Then he left and I was fine. I didn’t get the post-make out glow. But once again my dumb ass agreed to going out again in person. We kept texting here and there, much less than before. Then one morning I woke up to a series of texts.

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Ain’t even mad.

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Encounter #25.1: Or Something

App: Tinder

Name: Maxwell*

Date Location: The Jeffrey

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Tight space but has a ton of craft beer options including cider and has a cozy vibe.

Date Duration: 3.5 hours

What Happened:

Going in, I had no idea if Maxwell was attractive. His Tinder profile wasn’t completely indicative and based on the one clear photo there was, he looked like a 35-year old trapped in a 24-year old’s body. At this point in my dating life, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go out with guys I normally wouldn’t talk to. Clearly whatever the fuck I was doing before wasn’t quite working so why not change it up.

I beat him to the bar and anxiously awaited for his arrival. Was he the really hot guy who was walking my way? No. Was he the really creepy guy who just made eye contact with me? No. He rolled up to the table and I immediately thought, “Meh. Could do a lot worse.” But he did look better than his photos so that was a win in itself.

Talking to him was so fucking easy. I don’t know if he was faking interest in what I had to say or what but he was fucking great at it if he was. We went back and forth and it didn’t feel one sided or that I was carrying the team on my back.

Maxwell had his shit together for a 24-year old. He did accounting for a real estate company and had his own place in a nice area. Aside from that he was a craft beer fanatic, would try to go to one concert a year, NY sports fan, Italian, and was close to his younger sister.

Here’s the thing. I didn’t think I could be attracted to him physically. He had his moments. His voice wasn’t bad (he sounded like my friend’s boyfriend which was a little weird.) But it just wasn’t there for me.

That in mind, he walked me to my train stop and we ended up kissing. It was good. Pretty solid. But not good enough to seal the deal.

Despite that, I felt like I kept knocking people out too early. Maybe if I gave this guy a second chance it could work. I clearly vibed with him so what would the harm be in going out with him one more time to be sure?

Apparently more than I thought. We established a date and in the planning, things took a turn.

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DAMN IT. HE WANTED TO SMASH, I DIDN’T FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE, AND I WAS PLANNING ON ENDING IT AFTER THE SECOND DATE. FUCKKK. Okay, I could turn this around.

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…nope. In all fairness this was not a lie. The two days after I sent the text I had to stay home from work for a throat infection. Oh. Well.

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Encounter #13.1: One Man, One Dream

App: Hinge

Name: Ben*

Date Location: Scotland Yard in Hoboken

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – The most divey of dive bars. Cheap ass beer, darts, friendly bartenders, and bathrooms that won’t lock.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Ben and I had been chatting for a few days until I woke up on New Years Day to see he was no longer in my matches. Little surprised because I didn’t remember saying anything weird but I could not speak for drunk Laura on NYE. A few days later I saw a notification in Facebook’s Message Request box.

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As we know, this can freak me out. But he did have my last name and we had a mutual friend (who wasn’t weird) so it didn’t seem too too odd. Whatever, may as well see what he had to say.

He worked ridiculous hours so it was tough trying to lock it down. Finally after lots of rescheduling, we set a date. We texted for a bit and the more we talked, the more I hated him. He would double message, blow up my phone, and used waaaay too many emojis. I’m talking 29 in a matter of 14 hours. But when he walked up to me, he was actually decent looking and his voice wasn’t weird. Maybe I should cut him some slack.

He worked for the NBA, grew up in Jersey, lived 10 minutes from me, was Jewish, and came from an Italian family. Not too shabby.

The first question he asked was if I had voted for Trump. I can respect that, I sit very far on the left so this didn’t bother me in the least. However, I soon found out that I was smarter than he was. I began going into detail about the DNC, campaign issues on Hillary Clinton’s side, what led to Trump’s success, and basically gave my CNN commentary. He had no idea what I was talking about, switched the subject to marijuana, and told me about his smoking habits.

I did ask him about the unmatching. He was drunk on NYE and went to check if I responded to his message. When he went to close the app, he accidentally hit ‘Remove Match’. By some crazy chance, he remembered my last name and looked me up. He said, “If there’s one thing you can say about me, it’s that I’m persistent”. Yeah, that’s one word.

The more he spoke the more he lived up to my “sports management” stereotype being that he wasn’t that smart, couldn’t come up with an abstract thought, was loud, had to be the center of attention, and thought he was funny.

He talked about his older brother who he said was the exact opposite of him. I wanted to ask if his brother was seeing anyone but I figured that wasn’t appropriate.

Despite the fact that he was out to lunch mentally, he hung on every word I said. I wasn’t saying anything too amazing, just talked about things I wanted to do later in life and where I came from. He was SO STUPID but I won’t lie, I liked that he worshiped the ground I walked on. So when he texted me and asked if he made the cut to the second date, I said he did. FUCK.

As luck would have it, we never texted again and for that I am eternally grateful.

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Encounter #11.1: Captain Underpants

App: Coffee Meets Bagel

Name: Jai*

Date Location: Stout NYC

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – Definitely a cool spot if you’re into beer or watching sports. They have so many options which can be overwhelming though.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

After figuring out we had previously matched on another app (and me remembering that he sent me a pic in his underwear a few months earlier) Jai and I met up for drinks.

Jai was decently attractive. Looked pretty much like his pictures, finished medical school, Italian, tall, and grew up in NY. Not too shabby.

However, he could not plan for shit. He told me to meet him in Penn Station area but did not give me a bar until 10 minutes before I had to head over. Luckily he picked a place I knew how to get to (because I had an awkward date there).

We started talking and I wanted to suffocate him with a pillow. His voice was typical Queens, NY. I love a hard NY accent. I think it’s weirdly sexy. However, some are better than others. Brooklyn accents? HOT AF. His accent? Kinda nasal, whiny, and was basically the male version of Fran Drescher. NOPE.

Despite having a voice that made you want to punch babies, he was a pretty decent time. He was super easy to talk to and I was happy that I didn’t need to carry the team on my back for this one.

Like any date there were a few awkward moments. I had come from a work event that required wrist bands so I already looked like an alcoholic let alone the fact that I chugged an Irish Car Bomb before heading over to meet Jai.

That being said, his moment was worse. He was trying to show me a picture of something but swiped the wrong way. I saw a woman’s naked titties in one photo and something that said “Cannabis” in the other. He apologized but I definitely had more questions than answers on that one.

It was getting late and I had to make my way back to NJ. I hugged him goodbye and he said,

“Oh okay. I was going to go in for the kiss there. You don’t seem into it?”

“I don’t normally kiss someone on the first date. I don’t know, I guess I can make an exception”

Then we made out. Twice. Probably shouldn’t have done that. DAMN IT LAURA, YOU HOE. I was attracted to him on a physical and intellectual level but god damn. That voice. Terrible. Nagasaki’ed.

 

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Encounter #6.1: Sweet Home Ala-Boston

App: Hinge

Name: Josh*

Date Location: Stout NYC

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – Definitely a cool spot if you’re into beer. The Brooklyn pumpkin was pretty good considering it’s a craft beer. (Hop-y beer is icky)

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

After having a streak of less than successful dates, I figured I’d give Hinge a shot. Out of all the dating apps I’ve used so far, this one is the most user friendly. The profile layout is very clean, allows for conversations starters outside of “Sup”, and there is no swiping. You either like a photo or answer or hit the “X” at the bottom.

Josh had Red Sox photos on his profile and I was sold. There’s nothing like finding a fellow New England fan in NYC. We talked Patriots, began texting, and made plans for the weekend. He had to work that Saturday morning so I met him for afternoon drinks. He walked up, looked like his photos, and wore a suit. I could work with this.

However after the first 5 minutes into the date I knew that not only did I blow it but, we were not going to work. I ordered a beer and the bartender asked if I wanted the sugar rim. She mentioned that the staff had been making jokes about it since the beer came in. I then said, “Oh yeah, I’ll take the rim job”. The staff laughed. My date did not.

We covered the usual first date questions: “Where are you from, What brought you to NY, Do you like your job,” etc. Because I’m awkward as fuck I kept making jokes which weren’t landing which only made me want to over compensate and do it more. Great going, Laura.

That being said, this was another case of feeling like I was carrying the team on my back. He wasn’t particularly talkative. (Granted, I was making the most awkward jokes so I can’t really hold that against him).

The one thing he kept asking was if I was planning on staying in NYC for awhile. I’ll be honest. I had no fucking clue. Some days I absolutely loved living in the city and some days I just wanted to leave. That may have played a bigger piece than I initially thought. After texting him consistently for a week, going on the date, and ending on “This was fun, we should do it again”, we never spoke again.

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