Encounter #101.1: In the Navy

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App: Hinge

Name: Maurice*

Date Location: Fogo de Chao – Boston, MA

Location Review:  5.0 Stars – Holy shit. Amazing. Expensive but, so fucking worth it.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Maurice’s opener was “What Boston restaurant have you been meaning to try but haven’t been to yet?” I said “Fogo de Chao but my bank account says no”. And then he followed up with reservation details so we were in business.

He was a Naval Officer who went to the Academy and was now going to MIT so he was wicked fucking smart. The messages on the app were fine but I really didn’t know what to expect since he was an engineer and that’s always a toss-up.

I beat him to the restaurant and when he walked up, it was a no. He had the UnderArmour polo tucked in so god damn tight and the haircut just screamed “Dad”. All he needed was a pair of New Balances and he would have been ready for the family cookout. But maybe he would bring it at dinner and his personality would shine?

It didn’t. He was boring as shit. “Have any siblings?” Yeah. Mmmmm kay. What am I supposed to do with that? Just hours of me grilling his ass because he couldn’t hold a conversation properly.

To top it off, everyone at the restaurant thought we were there for our anniversary. So that wasn’t awkward at all.

The check came and no one moved. I kept chatting but nothing happened. The restaurant started closing down so it was time. I suggested we close out and I started making moves to my bag. I got the card. I put it down. And he took that thing and put it in the book with his. FUCK. $90 I will never see again.

I was ready to call time of death but he refused to let me take the train by where we were since I’d have to do a transfer. Not a big deal AT ALL but he just wouldn’t let it go. So now I was locked into a 15-minute walk with the most boring man in the world.

To make matters worse, we were taking the same train line in opposite directions and my train’s doors closed as soon as we got to the platform. Queue another awkward 15 minutes.

By the time I got home, there was a message in my Hinge inbox with his phone number. I politely declined and he said to keep the number in case I changed my mind. I was good.

Encounter #99.3: Mr. Rhode Island

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App: The League

Name: Elias*

Date Location: Amelia’s Trattoria & Gracie’s Ice Cream – Cambridge, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Tiny restaurant but food was bomb and the atmosphere was cute.

4.0 Stars – The bathroom is Dolly Parton themed. You don’t need much else.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

This was a make or break date. Elias and I hadn’t kissed yet so tensions were high. Also, he wasn’t really bringing it on the texting so that wasn’t helping his cause.

We decided to go to an Italian spot by him and it was nice. Only thing is it was hot as balls and their AC broke. We chatted and conversation was okay. An old couple was definitely listening in on our ENTIRE date but, it wasn’t anything exceptional. About an hour in I realized he didn’t ask me anything. It was really just him going on and on about god knows what and then us splitting the bill so I was out $60.

It was getting stupid hot in the restaurant so after dinner we decided to walk around a bit and get ice cream. We were in a secluded area. Nothing. No lean in. No kiss. Just held my sweaty hand.

We got a little closer to the train station and he invited me to go back to his apartment and that he would drive me back later. Did I want to see if there would be anything? Yes. But, I wasn’t about to be stuck in his apartment when I didn’t even know if he was a good kisser. Need an appetizer before going all in on the main course, ya know?

He was fine with it and walked me to the train. We hugged twice and he talked about how next time he’d come by me. I never texted him back and it died naturally.

Encounter #100.2: Rain Delay

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App: Coffee Meets Bagel

Name: Mark*

Date Location: The Clam Box – Quincy, MA

Location Review:  2.5 Stars – It’s pretty meh but you’re near the beach.

Date Duration: 14 hours

What Happened:

Mark and I were both busy so it was a minute before we could meet up but he was consistent with texting me and staying in contact.

I had to dog sit so he suggested we head to the beach so I could bring the dog and we could walk around. He did suggest 10am which was so aggressive but, I would live.

He walked up looking cute and he had a little cooler backpack with him filled with water and treats for the dog which was very sweet. So we walked around and shot the shit. Conversation was much easier this time and it was very clear that we had similar political views which was nice. Mark was also pretty smart so we had more intellectual conversation than I expected.

It was hot out so we decided to take a break and grab some drinks while the dog cooled off. He made a few flirtatious jokes which was unexpected. I couldn’t get a read on him at all up until that point so it was nice knowing that he found me attractive.

I got a text that the owner was on the way so I offered to continue hanging out and have a quick side mission to my place to get the dog situated or, we could go about our days. He chose the side mission.

After the dog got picked up, we threw something on Netflix so we could cool off in the AC. Then, as expected, things started happening. I told him straight up we weren’t going to fuck. It was a second date. I didn’t know him. He agreed to those terms.

Clothes came off and things were meh. He kept trying to talk dirty to me but it was more conversational and honestly just annoying af. Stop talking to me and just eat my pussy.

We hooked up on and off for a few hours but despite agreeing to the terms and conditions, he kept pushing to fuck. It got to the point I had to bring up that my new birth control wasn’t all the way effective yet. He responded with, “Well I have condoms”. SIR. The answer was no. I don’t know what else you need to hear. He apologized between rounds so I let it slide but, it was definitely something that went against him.

Eventually, we ordered food and he ended up staying the night. I wasn’t 100% sold but, he was nice enough and checked other boxes so I figured I’d see where it went.