Encounter #44.1: Finance Guy

App: Tinder

Name: Jim*

Date Location: Pint – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – This is a basic ass bar. Nothing crazy. BUT their drinks are dirt cheap.

Date Duration: 22 hours

What Happened:

In a continuation of “How Hot Can I Bag”, I stumbled on Jim’s profile. Physically, he looked like a straight douche but his bio was promising.

75305750_427296551266294_5304074238766874624_n.jpg

Within minutes he messaged me and the conversation was so damn quick and witty.

untitled-design-18.png

Shocked. An attractive guy in finance with a sense of humor? Shooketh.

We quickly made plans and the date was set. I beat him to the bar and started to sweat. Less attractive guys who vaguely looked like his photos kept walking by, one was clearly looking for someone, and I prayed it wasn’t me. Finally, he showed up and looked exactly like his pics. Tall, dark features, fit, Italian AF. Perf.

We started drinking and the conversation just flowed. We liked a lot of the same things and had identical taste in television and music. British Bake Off, Jersey Shore, “Cyclone”, and Celine Dion? This couldn’t be real.

We drank quite a bit. He found out doubles were only $5 and we drank like college freshmen. We started making out and as the drinks went down it got more and more intense. Finally, I asked if he wanted to come back with me on the condition we wouldn’t fuck. I had too many successful dates in a row. I learned my lesson, the world would have struck me back down if we had sex.

While I changed into comfy clothes he turned on Jersey Shore. Boy after my heart. I ordered pizza and we made out while we waited. When the pizza arrived, we curled up on the couch and watched our favorite nonsense.

About one episode in, things heated up and the clothes came off. We moved to my room and hooked up. He was a bit different than what I encountered before. To start, ripped. Wow. No idea how that agreed to come home with me.

He was also very into blowjobs. I shit you not, this fucker came twice in no time and was all about the swallowing. Tbh, I was quite proud of myself since the last time I attempted to swallow I was 17, it came up like a volcano, and I ended up spitting on my high school boyfriend’s stomach. MEMORIES. This time? Success.

His game was inconsistent. On one end, he knew exactly how to finger a woman, where to kiss me, and was completely fine with incorporating vibrators. On the other, this motherfucker didn’t go down on me. Bitch, I swallowed yo babies. Reciprocate, asshole.

He was a snuggly sleeper though and I really appreciated that. Since the break up, I had been craving physical touch to the point I would arrange my pillows along my back to make it feel like someone was spooning me when I slept. (Recently been informed that this is fucking weird). I loved feeling someone’s body heat and having all the skin to skin contact in the world.

I also had nightmares that night so that was cool. On occasion, after a night of drinking I’ll have realistic dreams and they have been known to get intense. Of course, they happened when I had Jim in my bed. He was cool about it. When we talked about it the next morning he said he was convinced that when I shot up, I had sobered up, realized he was in my bed, and was going to kick him out.

After we hooked up again in the morning, I expected him to leave but he asked if we could get breakfast. We went to the bagel shop around the corner and brought it back to the apartment. For the next 6 hours we were curled up on the couch watching Community and napping. (Side note: This was the point I noticed that he had the facial features of a caveman. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it).

He had to meet friends and we stayed in touch pretty regularly for the most part. However, I was getting annoyed. We kept talking and talking but he didn’t ask me out again. I kept setting the runway for him to ask and he was either blind to it or was swerving real hard.

It became clear that he really just wanted to sext with me. That’s cool and all but, you know what’s more fun than sexting me? Fucking.

After not hearing from him for 5 days and seeing he unmatched me on Tinder, a text from Jim came in and he was being a pain in the ass. It went from just talking shit about football to being kind of aggressive. Somehow, I managed to flip things around and the sexting began. This time, I wasn’t putting in the work. I got his ass to write out EVERYTHING. When it was my turn to reciprocate, I said I had just taken an Advil PM and was falling asleep.

Truly a legend that will be passed on to my children.

giphy.gif

 

Encounter #43.1: Stingy McStinge

App: Bumble/Tinder

Name: Jack*

Date Location: LITM – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review:  2.5 Stars – I just didn’t get it. It felt under-decorated, didn’t have food, and drink selection was limited. I did like that it had pieces up from local artists.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Jack and I had matched on two apps and had decent banter on both so it was time we met up. I was feeling cocky. I had some successful dates under my belt so I was some hot fucking shit. It was time for the world to kick me back down to size.

Per usual, I beat my date to the bar. I was facing the back of the bar so I didn’t see him come in. I did hear a “Heyyy” behind me. For a guy who was 6’6″, his voice was oddly high. I turned around and saw a stick bug before me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so tall and skinny in my life.

We started talking and as more and more came out, I questioned why Jack even agreed to go out in the first place. He brought up a few too many times that if he were gay, he’d be disowned in his extremely conservative, Catholic family. He had very different interests. Lots of goth shows and that was truly his identity. Meanwhile I am an ex-pageant girl who farts butterflies.

Despite having virtually nothing to talk about, there were small glimmers of hope. We may not have anything in common but we delivered jokes similarly.

The nail in the coffin happened at the end. While I was in the bathroom he had asked to close out. I get handed my card and the entire tab was on it. Granted it wasn’t a lot but, if the date isn’t good I’m fine with us paying for our own shit. He did the laziest attempt to try to pay for his portion. Like I could see the $15 cash in his wallet and he was saying he didn’t have enough on him. I CAN FUCKING SEE IT.

We had to go the same direction to get to the train which left us with a few more minutes of awkward conversation. My train arrived and we both seemed okay with the night ending. No kiss, no hug, no luck.

giphy (1).gif

Encounter #42.1: Albania

App: Bumble

Name: Brayden*

Date Location: City Bistro – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Good ass apps, decent beer selection, feels classy.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

What sold Brayden was that he asked me out by suggesting food. Typically, white guys don’t feed me. I don’t know if it’s a thing, but they usually just want to drink. This guy was talking sweet cold cut love to me and I was very interested.

I waited for him to meet me at the train station. I was on the fence if I thought he was cute going in but he seemed to have a personality. He walked up looking better than I thought. Shorter than expected, but we broke even on height so it wasn’t a big deal.

The plan was to race scooters to the bar. Unfortunately as we were signing them out it started pouring and he offered to drive. This was the second time in a week I was getting into a strange man’s car.

He was really cool despite working in sales. We joked the entire time on the ride up and we weirdly had the same taste in music.

When we got to the bar, this guy ordered us a flatbread and TWO orders of wings. Be still my heart. As I cracked into the wings I made some comment like, “Ohhh probably shouldn’t have picked this for a first date food.” He countered with, “Actually, it’s really attractive that you eat.” DON’T MIND IF I DO.

Brayden was insanely interesting. He was Albanian but was raised in north Jersey. His family had to escape Albania and sewed all the money they had into his dad’s pant leg. When his parents got to Italy, they were asked the purpose of their visit. They had been instructed to say tourism but the officer called their bluff. He basically said, “If you’re here for tourism, where’s your money?” Brayden’s mom was basically playing pocket pool trying to pull money out of his dad’s pants but they got scared and went back. His dad hid the mom and the kids in a monastery while he tried to figure everything out and somehow, they made it to Newark, NJ. Fucking insane. Probably one of the most interesting stories I have ever heard.

We got along really well. We watched nearly all the same shows and had the same joke delivery which was really fun. We kept riffing off each other and making the other laugh. We also had weird things in common like both being in church choir growing up just because we liked the people and wanted to sing.

After crushing a shit ton of food, he suggested going to Ben & Jerry’s for dessert. Hot damn. Feed your way into my heart. We were looking at the counter and he kept going in on stoner jokes which was odd since I didn’t lay down that material. After we got our ice cream we were talking and it came out. He still lived in his parents’ basement and smoked a shit ton. Mmm, going to be a no from me dawg. I don’t really care if you smoke but I do care if you live with your mama and that’s all you do in your spare time.

He needed to get something from his office so we stopped there on the way to dropping me off. Inside, there was a guitar. Earlier that night I mentioned how I loved John Denver. He pulled up the chords for “Country Roads” on his phone and we sang together. He had a voice on him and I was shocked. I didn’t think he picked up those weird things I said.

Unfortunately though at some point during the night, I realized that I was in no way sexually attracted to him. Yes, he was cute. Personality was definitely there but I didn’t want to touch him. I just couldn’t picture it and I didn’t want to lead him on.

He said that he would drive me towards Jersey City so if I wanted to grab another drink we could or, he could drop me off. The way he was driving put us a block from my place so I made up some shit about having to help someone in my cohort with an assignment.

He definitely wanted to kiss me. When we pulled up he put his arms up to hug, I did the swerve for the shoulder, and he kissed me on the cheek. He said he’d wait to be sure I made it inside okay. I said something like, “You just want an excuse to stare at my ass.” He came back with, “Haha, well shit I should just kiss you right now for that one.” I was halfway out the car. I countered with, “That’s showbiz, baby!” and shut the door. Crisis averted.

Cats-ninja-dodge.gif