Category: Updates

Encounter #77.3: Landscaper

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App: Tinder

Name: Ethan*

Date Location: The Farm & Tokens Taproom – Dover, NH

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – Drinks were aight and menu had solid options. Seems more like a family spot during the week.

4.0 Stars – It’s small but, drinks are pretty inexpensive and there’s Mortal Combat.

Date Duration: 16 hours

What Happened:

So. Little bit of a story here.

About a year and a half ago I went out with Ethan. Nice guy, treated me well, cute, and all that good stuff. We just met while I was talking to someone else and after a certain point, it felt shitty talking to 2 people. So before anything got too serious with either party, I picked one.

Well, I chose wrong.

In the time since I ended it with Ethan, I always thought about reaching back out. We had a lot of fun when we were together, I always thought he was cute, and it felt easy. But, I had moved and I figured he would get scooped up fairly quickly so I let it go.

We would snap each other here and there but it picked up into a regular cadence out of nowhere. (Weirdly not long after everything went down with Ian and I took myself out of the game).

I wasn’t looking for anything at that point in time but since I had some history with Ethan, I made an exception. After a few weeks of snapchatting back and forth, I got a text from Ethan and he asked me out on a date.

WHICH BRINGS US HERE

He invited me to come out to his area and tbh I had no idea how it was going to go. I was expecting to spend the night and all that but, who knows? Maybe we just wouldn’t vibe the way we used to.

I met him at his apartment and we had a couple of drinks. It was a little choppy at first but, the groove was setting in and I felt his leg press into mine. We were in business.

We walked down to the restaurant for dinner and kept catching up. Then after dinner, we went to an arcade bar and that’s when things started happening. Up until this point, I really wasn’t sure what the vibe was. I know we went in calling this a date but it had also been a year and a half. Could just be friends. Well, there was trivia that night and we grabbed a table off to the side. We were facing each other and that’s when he put his hands on my knees, touched my legs, and held my hand. It. Was. Happening.

At one point he asked me how long it would take for me to get home and I was vague about it. Wanted to gauge what his angle was. And then he invited me to stay over. It was on.

We held hands on the way back to his apartment and cuddled up on the couch. Then it happened. We kissed. And it was just as good as it was a year earlier.

That kiss quickly became a make out and he asked if I wanted to go upstairs. Here was the thing. I was on my period. So disclosed that nugget and was like, “If you’re down, I’m down. No pressure if it’s not your thing. Plenty of other things we can do“. I saw the gears turning but he wasn’t 100% sold yet. We did need to move though because there was no way his roommate wanted to see us going at it.

We shifted to his room and he gave me clothes to sleep in. We crawled into bed and quickly things started happening and he came out with,

“So period sex. I have never done it. What would it entail?”

“We can go in the shower. Put down a towel. Or, I can take a shit ton of Advil and we can wait an hour to see if the coast is any clearer. Whatever you want to do is fine”.

“Fuck it, I’ll grab a towel”.

And that was the night Ethan went from a boy to a man jk jk. I did appreciate that he went for it. Feel like that’s something that separates the pack.

I do have to say, idk who or what he did in the year we were apart but omg. Ethan had some moves. Choked me a bit. Kinda tossed me around. Just whole different vibe and I was into it.

When we woke up we immediately started cuddling, Ethan was so fucking cute and kept asking me if I had a good time. I didn’t understand why he kept checking and then I remembered I did cut him off out of nowhere last time so that may have had something to do with it.

We kept texting after I left which for me was something kinda new. Normally things go to shit after I fuck someone. For the first time, in a long time, I was happy and couldn’t wait to see him again.

Update: Newsies

Published on by datinglaura3 Comments

Recap: I met a guy at a wedding and we had a spark.

What Happened:

It didn’t work out and I need to take a serious break from dating.

I can’t explain it but, I have this weird ability to identify exact moments where the energy shifts and someone pulls away. This time it happened the day after I saw his new apartment. After that day, the texting was drier than usual.

I tried to not let it get the best of me. We had been texting an awful lot beforehand so it may have just been time for us to chill a bit. As the weeks went on, the quality of texting got a little better and I relaxed a bit.

While I was traveling for work, I drunk-dialed him and asked when I could see his place now that it had decor. He said when I got back. We made plans for that Friday. Everything was good.

I was so excited. Probably way more than I should have been but, I was having a really shitty few weeks, and honestly our date was the one thing getting me through that period. I drove up to NH Thursday night. I was READY.

Well, he canceled the morning of.

His reason was legitimate. He got a steroid injection in his tailbone and was in some pain. Given everything that had been going on that week in my personal life, I was really upset about it. Probably more than I should have been. Just felt like the wind was taken out of my sails.

I offered to hang out with him at home but he didn’t take the bait. What bothered me most was the last time he canceled on me, he called me because if he texted me that he felt like I’d be like “THIS motherfucker” (which is true), so he wanted to reassure me that he wanted to see me, and we found an alternate time.

However, this time it was just a text with no reassurance or attempt to reschedule. Actually, he was going to be in Boston the next day for a concert but made no mention of us seeing each other even though I lived so close. Kinda odd but, whatever.

When he told me about the concert earlier that week, I let him know that he could stay at my place that night if he partied too hard. I didn’t expect him to take me up on it but, the night of he asked if he could stay over. I was out so I gave him my lockbox code.

He couldn’t get in so I Ubered home and everything seemed normal enough. He was drunk and I was still a little peeved from the day before but, the conversation was normal and we ended the night with some hot ass sex. Like really, put it in my top 5 of all time. He was affectionate with me in the morning. And we went on our merry way.

That’s when the next shift happened. The texting got stale and I was trying not to focus on it. But then I didn’t hear from him for over 24 hours from Thursday into that Saturday.

I had to be back in NH for the weekend and was doing a scan of the apps Friday night to see if there were funny ones of people my friends and I knew. And then I saw it. Ian’s profile with the “New Here” tag. Fuck. Me.

I’m a petty bitch so I right-swiped it. Wanted him to know that I knew.

He had some things going on in his personal life that weekend so I did send him a text on Saturday to the effect of, “Thinking of you, you got this, etc.” and he responded back that it meant a lot. I tried starting a conversation with him and it just didn’t go anywhere.

That night, I had a notification that I had a match and sure enough, it was him. So I was petty and sent him a message on Bumble. Sunday morning I woke up to a text.

Yes, I did leave him on read for a bit. There were events going on that day where I did not feel it was appropriate for me to be texting him about whatever the fuck we were doing.

I knew we hadn’t talked about exclusivity but, I did think it was odd he created a profile. Based on our conversations, he was pretty adamantly against the apps.

I just didn’t get wtf I did that caused such a shift. We talked an awful lot and in those conversations, he said things like, “You were a surprise…You’re someone I would take seriously…You’re a great person”, and all that shit. Just didn’t expect him to try to ice me out and ghost.

So wtf did I do that was so bad?

I never meet anyone in person. Most times, it’s my friends getting the attention at the bar while I just dance with some randos in a corner. It’s also been a minute since I’ve been excited about someone. So for me, this situation carried a different weight. Also, we knew the same people so I expected more.

Going into this situation, I knew the risks and the likely outcomes given the timing of us meeting. I was just really hoping I’d be wrong. It’s not that we had this major relationship and that’s why I am so upset. It’s that I genuinely liked him, felt a connection, and thought this time could be different.

I have spent the past several years hearing the same (well-intentioned) shit over and over.

  • “It will happen when you least expect it”
  • “It’s a numbers game”
  • “It’s just around the corner, I know it”

I have been living with “just around the corner” anticipation for a fucking long time and I am exhausted. I’ve put up the numbers and then some. I feel like I’m in this constant cycle of feeling like I can drop my guard and be vulnerable and then it immediately blows up in my face. Once I get a taste of safety, it just implodes and it sucks.

At this point, I can’t confidently say that I won’t meet someone but in that same breath, I can’t confidently say I will either. If I take another person out of the long-term equation, I’m not sure I’m living the life I need to feel fulfilled on my own.

So for now, I need to take a hiatus from dating and from writing so I can grow and heal from 100+ unsuccessful dates. I appreciate all the support over the years and I look forward to one day coming back. Here’s hoping I have something good for ya.

Happy 100?

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I’d like to think I’d have something witty and snappy to say now that I’ve officially crossed 100 first dates off my list. But truthfully, I am so fucking exhausted and really just need to be properly dicked down.

It’s nice having freedom. I never have to answer to anyone. But, I feel so starved for companionship with a partner. Everyone is moving into these next phases of life and I can’t relate in the least. They’re picking out nursery colors and I’m still snapchatting men asking how many siblings they have. Just night and day.

I have a lot of feelings about staring 30 in the face with little to no prospect of having someone special to celebrate it with. It’s low-key kind of embarrassing that I’m still in the position to be writing this nonsense but, I will spare you from this becoming a live journal entry.

When I look back on these 100 dates, there are some that stand out.

The good:

The bad:

And just the downright weird:

It’s been a wild-ass ride and I can’t thank you enough for being on this ride with me. Here’s hoping we both get off (both literally and figuratively) soon.

Update: Home Team

Published on by datinglaura2 Comments

Recap:

I matched with someone I knew from my home town and things were good.

What Happened:

Well, it was good while it lasted.

For the first time in history, I’m not mad at someone after a breakup. No really, if he called me up right now I’d answer. It just came down to how much time we had vs how much time the other needed.

It still sucks. It sucks a lot. I genuinely cared about him, saw a future, and for the first time in at least 5 years, I found someone who I could talk to for 12 hours at a time and never run out of things to say. It was an electric feeling to be seen in a way I had been craving for so long where it was safe to be my weird self. And probably most memorably, it was the first time a man said I was beautiful and I will never forget that moment.

At this point, I know too well the physical sensations of a breakup. Feeling my chest tighten. Pain shooting down my forearms. Just wanting to scream but nothing can come out. Hello darkness, my old friend.

I am exhausted in all senses of the word. There is no greater high than having someone tell you that they knew about this smut since the beginning and still want to date you. There is also no low like not being able to talk to someone or know if you were even missed.

I just want something to stick. I have this stupid fantasy of holding a guy’s hand in a Target. (What? Target means it’s real). It’s such a simple, small thing but it feels like it will never quite be in reach and I hate that it feels impossible. The thought of that, let alone someone wanting a relationship or anything more, feels laughable to me at this point.

A while back I had a conversation with my therapist about just how frustrated I was and how much it sucked being reminded of my singleness with a refrigerator plastered in wedding and baby shower invites. She said to me, “Laura, this may just be your struggle. Maybe when it’s time to have kids you’ll get pregnant on the first try. Maybe you’ll be the one with a marriage you never think twice about. You just never know and it may just be that it’s not your season quite yet.”

So I’m chalking it up to it’s just not my season. I don’t know when it will come but holy fuck, a bitch is ready and waiting.

The EMT Zombie: UPDATE

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Name: Gary*

Recap:

Several years ago I passed out and the EMT who came to check on me was quite attractive. So good looking that when I regained consciousness the first thing I blurted out was, “You’re really attractive”. We had a weird flirtation in the month or so after we met, then on and off for about a year or so, and we hadn’t spoken since.

UPDATE:

While being back in NH, my friend and I went to a bar and as girls do, we posted it on our IG stories. Nothing crazy, just a pic of the beer and the location. No tits. Nothing. Boy slid into the DMs with “Hanging out in my city I see“. Hmmm v curious.

I didn’t quite know his life situation so I called his bluff and invited him out with us. After all, the last time I saw him in person I was in the back of an ambulance while I sat in my embarrassment. While we waited for him to make it to the bar we creeped his social media and holy shit, dude was not only married. Gary had a baby on the way. FML.

At that point there was nothing we could do but sit there and wait to see how this shit played out. Gary rolled up and he looked mostly how I remembered him. Gotta be honest, the uniform definitely made him look hotter but he wasn’t terrible in plain clothes. Would equate it to a dog walking on its hind legs. Not bad but definitely different.

He took the seat next to me and we got chatting away. It had been 4 years so we had a lot to catch up on. The whole time though I couldn’t gauge if this was just a friends thing or if it was more than that. At one point my friend got up to go to the bathroom and while she was gone he went in with the, “You look really good by the way. Seriously”…shit. Okay, guess this was more than I thought it was.

When my friend came back he proceeded to tell her the story of how we met and we pinpointed that it happened right when he was in the midst of divorce with his first wife. Then he was bold and segwayed to my relationship status with, “So I remember you were seeing someone awhile back. How did that go?” I SEE YOU GARY. I gave the shortest of short versions and then asked him the same. That was when he finally revealed that he was married and had a baby on the way. Casual.

He left after about an hour or so since he had somewhere to be but, my friend and I were dumbfounded by the whole thing. I didn’t pick up on it but, she noticed that he hid his hand under the table the whole time so we couldn’t see his wedding ring. Whether not not that was intentional, we’ll never really know but it was sus.

Despite me roasting his ass the whole time for his lack of condom use, he still wanted to hang out again and met us at the bar we were at later that day. Nothing happened. The only interesting things were that he occasionally tapped my leg and mentioned I was pretty so I should be able to find a rich guy. Kinda flirtatious but also in theory, that could have been just out of friendship.

TBD, I still have no idea wtf happened. Based on timing though, I will say manifestation is more powerful than we think. Nearly every day that month I had the mantra, “I don’t chase, I attract. What belongs to me will find me” and apparently that meant some married guy with a baby rather than me being married with a baby. Universe, do better.

Hallmark Movie: UPDATE

Published on by datinglaura

HERE WE GO AGAIN BITCHES. Get the wine, put on Folklore, and let’s cry.

RECAP:

Rich and I met while I was back home, had a crazy connection, and were together ever since.

UPDATE:

Like everyone else, Rich and I had our own struggles and COVID didn’t make things easier but there wasn’t anything in particular I felt we couldn’t handle. Up until a certain point, the only real issues I had were that after being together (and exclusive) for 5 months he still wouldn’t call me his girlfriend and I couldn’t see him all that much. The tipping point happened one random Thursday night when I found some shit. Because of how small our hometown is, I don’t want to get into too many specifics. Let’s just leave it at I found something which depending on who you ask, may or may not be a big deal. That said, I was devastated.

I screenshotted what I found and texted him in the middle of the night because #rage. I was up for hours just waiting for him to wake up and respond. For something that would disprove all the thoughts I had and make it stop.

7 hours later I got a response and it didn’t make me feel any better. He basically just said it happened when he was bored, there were times he wasn’t sure we were supposed to be together, even though it may seem like a big deal it wasn’t, and nothing happened.

I proceeded to lose my damn mind. Even if he didn’t see it as a big deal, I did. Also, if he had doubts WHY DIDN’T HE SAY ANYTHING?

I had a flight that same day so I couldn’t talk to him plus, I probably would have either said some really terrible things or, just laid in a ball and cried. Either way, not a cute look.

We didn’t talk at all while I was away but as soon as I landed I met with him. As angry and hurt as I was, I was hoping there was some way we could move past it. 95% of me thought it was going to end right then and there but that 5% was holding on so fucking hard.

The conversation went in phases. The first was that we were broken up. By not reaching out over the weekend I had fucked up in his eyes. He had heavy things outside of our relationship going on and he felt I should have put that aside and reached out. I wanted to. I won’t lie, I had the text typed out but I kept deleting it because I really thought I would make things worse. Not saying anything did more damage and I’ll own that mistake. I fucked up.

Phase 2 we were back together. We were curled up together just crying and saying how we’d work to forgive each other. I made a comment that I wanted to be with him but I needed a label at some point. I didn’t want to put in girlfriend level work to fix us and be there for him through all this to not have the title. He didn’t want to do that.

That led us to Phase 3: Together But Not Talking. I needed time to process everything and I felt like he needed time too. There was so much going on that I felt extremely overwhelmed and overstimulated so I needed to be fully alone and sort some shit out. Plus with all his stuff going on, I thought it would give him some time to focus on himself and get back on track. We agreed on three weeks of no contact.

We really sucked at that and the three weeks became one. Rich reached out to me more than I did him but, I always responded. As the week went on, I was no closer to figuring anything out. I wanted him in my life. I did. But there was other stuff that wasn’t quite working in our relationship and I didn’t know if he would want to work on it or even how to fix it.

We made plans to meet up and it followed a similar pattern to Break Up, Part 1. I walked in and asked if he wanted me in his life and he said yes. Tbh I didn’t expect that at all. I really thought he was going to pull it.

Then he asked where I was at. More or less I said,

“I want you in my life but at the same time I don’t know if you have the time I need you to give me when you have all this other stuff going on.”

Like last time, at first we were broken up, and then came the part when we were together and trying to fix things. It boiled down to the fact that we loved very differently, had different views on what it meant to be in a relationship and to get where we wanted it would require time and effort Rich just didn’t have. So he pulled the plug.

Then came Part 3: Actually Breaking Up. This didn’t go very well. Really just a lot of sobbing. 10/10: would not recommend. He kept saying how I deserved better. That there was someone out there who would care for me the same way I cared for him. That pissed me off. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard that and I’ll never understand it. If I deserve better then step up and be better. That just says to me you knew you weren’t pulling your weight and didn’t care to change anything. Meanwhile, I had been reading all these articles and books, going to therapy, doing all these things to be a better partner and you just decided to tap out along the way and coast. Such bullshit.

I know ending it was the right thing. It wasn’t going in a healthy direction but holy fuck, it hurts like hell. Everyone says after a break up, “You don’t understand. What we had was different” and in this case I think it was true to a certain extent. It may not have made sense to everyone but it made sense to us. Our connection felt like we knew each other forever and it is so hard to describe what it felt like when we were together. #WitchTok

But break ups always suck. The hardest part isn’t even grieving the end of the relationship. It’s grieving the person you met at the beginning and all the possibilities that came with them.

Like a crazy person, I went through every text message we ever sent. Start to finish. That guy I was with at the end is not the same person who would ask me to hang out so he could hold my hand, who drove to my house in the middle of the day just to see my haircut, who laughed with me on the floor until 2am, who wanted me to feel important like no other shit bag I went out with ever had. That’s the person I miss the most and can’t let go of.

Friends keep asking me how I’m doing and tbh I feel crushed, humiliated, and so fucking stupid. Break ups feel like that moment in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy goes from black and white to a world full of color. You can’t see it when you’re in it but, once you get some distance everything is so fucking clear. I really thought this was it for me and there were so many times he showed me it wasn’t but, I kept clinging on to that version of him I fell for for dear life.

And I hate feeling this way. I hate that this is what I talk to my friends about. I hate feeling annoying. I hate that I can’t be happy for anyone right now because truthfully, I am so fucking jealous. While everyone else is taking the next steps I’m sitting here trying to piece myself back together in my childhood bedroom.

So what’s next? I don’t know, maybe we’ll get back together after time apart. Maybe we won’t. Maybe the country will break into civil war and I’ll become a handmaid. A lot of things could happen but right now the focus is taking care of myself. Whatever the flying fuck that looks like.

The Coworker: UPDATE

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Name: Elijah*

Recap:

Elijah and I worked together several years ago and had some kind of connection. I didn’t think too much of it since I wasn’t in a position to act on it and it wasn’t something our workplace really liked.

A year or two ago we caught up when he was in NYC and had the most perfect day. Later, I found out he had a crush on me the entire time we were working together.

When I saw his NYC photos pop up on Instagram, I knew I had to see him again.

Update:

I didn’t know what to expect going in. Last I checked he had a girlfriend but I wasn’t even 100% sure on that. I beat him to the bar so I creeped his ass HARD. Guy was single AF. Like posting things about being a bachelor who can cook.

He walked in and he looked GOOD. He had lost some weight, hair was on point, and his outfit fit perfectly. Holy fuck. We took a spot up against the wall at a table which I was surprised at. It’s oddly romantic to me when a guy sits on the same side rather than across and I was pleasantly surprised.

Conversation was good. We covered our normal catch up stuff and what we were up to. Then, this group of Australians came in and gave us the jolt we needed. The group of us was talking and laughing nonstop and I felt his hand move to my waist. We both moved in closer to each other and the whole thing felt so natural.

As the night went on we kept getting closer and closer until the point that we were basically in each other’s faces when we talked. Eventually it was time to go so I closed out and he went to the bathroom. While he was away from the table, the Aussies cornered me. “That guy is a LEGEND. How did you guys meet again? Are you together?” I briefly explained that we had crushes on each other for that past 5 years and timing just never worked out. They then urged me to book a flight to him since it seemed like we were such a good match.

Elijah got back and saved me from the pressure. He asked me how much drinks were and I told him not to worry about it. Next thing I knew, he shoved $40 in my hand and said in my ear, “You shouldn’t have to pay. You deserve to be taken care of” and he kissed my cheek. WELL SHIT.

We walked to my train arm in arm and it just felt so nice. There I was with this great guy and it felt like something out of a movie. It rained earlier so the pavement was shiny and we were walking through one of those cute ass neighborhoods in NYC with brownstones. Just perfect.

We kissed when we got to the train and he hugged me for a really long time. We kissed again, then again, and again. The whole time it felt like neither one of us wanted to go but my train was 5 minutes out and he had to get up for his flight in a few hours.

Like last time, this was what I needed. I’ll admit, I constantly doubt that I’ll ever meet anyone worthwhile. I know I deserve a fantastic partner but it can be hard to believe it. There are a lot of frogs out there but Elijah always reminds me that once in awhile, you can find a prince.

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Update: Back on my bullshit

Published on by datinglaura1 Comment

Hot Girl Summer ended? Time for Thotumn. Ship, Hinge, Bumble, The League, and Tinder. It’s going to be a fucking ride but this time, we’re wearing seatbelts.

So I present to you my 10 Commandments of Dating. I mean they’ll probably go out the window when I’m drunk and desperate but a bitch gotta try.

  1. Projects cannot becometh relationships
  2. If thou art not feeling it, fucking leaveth
  3. If ‘t be true thy date sucks balls, kisseth not that gent to saveth the courtship
  4. If ‘t be true thou art not excit’d to go out with that gent, fucking cancel
  5. Nay to sex on the second date
  6. Thy gent wilt has’t a savings account
  7. A sir at each moment sayeth what that gent means. Twisteth not to heareth what thee wanteth
  8. If ‘t be true thee cannot standeth his family, fucking runneth
  9. Thee cannot beest his sugar mama

  10. Thy gent wilt maketh thee cum

Here goes fucking nothing.

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Above Average: UPDATE

Published on by datinglaura2 Comments

Well, your favorite skank is back.

I know, I really didn’t think I’d be back here either. I thought Jared* and I had something special. We loved each other to a depth I had never thought possible…but sometimes that’s not enough.

I had gone back and forth for the past few months if I wanted to write this. For awhile I kind of wanted to keep it private but then I felt like I’d be lying. I was 100% honest about falling in love, it’s only fair to be honest about falling out of it.

So. Here we go. Put on some Adele, pour a glass of wine, and buckle up for the bullshit.

A few things to note:

  • It had been a tough year for Jared but things were starting to really turn around at the time of the break up.
  • I wanted to get married in the next 4-6 years and he didn’t know what he wanted. Every time the marriage conversation came up, it would end with me sobbing and Jared feeling awful.

With this in mind, I immediately started to panic when I received a text saying we had to have the discussion we were putting off. For 2 hours I sat in my apartment trying not to throw up but when he came up to my door without a bag and the worst face, I knew.

We moved to my room and sat on the bed. No kiss to say hi or anything. He didn’t speak so I said, “Well if you’re going to do it, just get it over with.” He then said, “We need to break up.”

And then my world stopped.

I don’t remember what exactly was said when but, it came down to that he couldn’t give me what I wanted and it wasn’t fair to me. That I deserved someone who put me on a pedestal the same way I did for them and wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to them. The thing was I never thought I wasn’t getting that.

The main point he kept bringing up was I wanted to get married and he didn’t know if he wanted that too. We had gone to a few weddings and they essentially were the nail in the coffin for our relationship. He saw how excited my friends were to take the next step and how much they loved each other but he didn’t feel the same about me.

Listen buddy. It’s someone’s fucking wedding day. You bet your ass those motherfuckers are going to be excited AF to be marrying each other because they just spent like $30,000 on a god damn party. This is the day where you’re the most in love. You can’t compare your day to day relationship to a couple on their wedding day because you’ll lose every time.

There were a few other things peppered in like we weren’t “100% compatible” and had different senses humor. I mean that’s not true for anyone BUT OKAY.

Still, I begged him to stay and take it all back which wasn’t my best moment. I only wanted to be with him and I was so sure I had found my person. Everything I had wanted up to that point I felt I had and it fucking destroyed me that he didn’t see what I saw.

He held me the whole time as I sobbed and tried to change his mind. He said our relationship “hadn’t progressed forward” and so I doubled down. He was moving in a month and I said I’d get my car, pack it up, and move with him. I didn’t care. Don’t want to get married? Fine. I’d live. He said no.

Probably about an hour into my bullshit I realized that it was truly over. I remember between sobs looking into his eyes and having a moment of clarity. He was done. He was going to leave and I wouldn’t see or speak to him ever again. I’d have to date again. Fuck that noise. Text someone for days, meet up, and be disappointed? NOPE. Then came round two of full out sobbing.

During all this, I heard my roommate in the kitchen while he and I reached the point where we were ready to be done with the sob fest. I didn’t want her to see me looking like a fucking shit show so we laid on the bed and cuddled one last time.

I told him how much I loved seeing him with my family and that’s what made me want babies with him. I just loved him so fucking much I wanted to put more of him in the world. He told me that I was the best girlfriend he ever had and I did everything right…but like apparently not because here I am writing about my god damn break up. BUT I DIGRESS.

He kept saying that I was going to meet someone who would make me so happy. That his psychic/medium mother confirmed it. I just wanted to meet Jared all over again and relive everything. To see his face light up the way it did on our first date. To hug him again while he did the dishes. I wanted all of it.

When we broke up, I asked for him to mail me my things. He said he’d reach out in 2 weeks in case I wanted to meet so I could get closure. That fucking pissed the living shit out of me. I didn’t want to see him. He fucking ruined my life. Stop trying to be the nice guy and own up to the fact that you fucking wrecked me. Also JUST GIVE ME MY SHIT.

By the week 2 mark, I was feeling “fine”. I more of less felt numbed out but I was able to go to work and enjoy time with friends. I walked out the door at lunch for a doctor’s appointment and I saw his name pop up on my phone. Everything went black for a second and I felt my stomach flip.

12

I probably shouldn’t have said that but god damn, I wanted him to fucking hurt. He knew I wanted to get the fuck out of New Jersey the entire time we were together. If he wanted to really do “the right thing”, he would have dumped me before I renewed my lease.

I sobbed when I got home. Hard. But it was weirdly comforting knowing I got my dig in. I said everything I needed to in less than 10 words.

About a week later, I felt the urge to creep on social media. I typed his name into Facebook and it just listed our mutual friends. When I hit enter I saw it. He deleted me. I went through every other platform and he unfollowed me. I can’t explain it, but that was the last straw. For the most part, I was keeping it together. I would cry myself to sleep but I was doing great at work and if anything, I was doing my job better. I was working out, seeing friends, and on my way to finding my new normal. This undid a lot of that.

It felt so fucking personal. How dare this fucker cut me out AGAIN when I apparently did nothing wrong. I’m sorry that seeing my face gives you hell. It fucking should.

So then I sobbed at work and my boss walked in on it. (Isn’t life grand?) I got home and saw my box of stuff next to the stairwell. Great. It would come in that day. Took it upstairs and opened it up to find a letter sitting on the top. Here we go again.

I read it and started sobbing like someone had died. I was so loud that I was concerned someone would call the cops so I had to get a pillow to muffle it. (#CityLiving) To sum it up, the letter basically said that I was such an incredible support, deserved love, and was an amazing person. That I “would find great love” because I was great love.

I believed everything in that letter was true. I did. But at the same time if everything in it was true, why the fuck would you break up with me? And, why would you send me another emotional mess to clean up?

Like any crazy bitch would do, I texted him and asked him to call me because I had questions. FUCK IT. I held my tongue long enough. I was done with him getting to be “the nice guy”. I was pissed that all this was what he wanted and how it felt like this whole break up was about him and his feelings.

So we talked. And these were the answers I got.

  • He wrote the letter because if he was in my situation he felt he would have wanted it but he was sorry that it made things worse.
  • He didn’t say those things to me when I gave him the chance to talk because since he wasn’t the one broken up with, he didn’t feel like it was his place to say anything.
    • But it was apparently his place to write me a fucking letter?
  • If I got anything from the letter, it was to know my worth.
    • Once again, if I’m this great why would you let me go?
    • Also, I know I’m a damn catch. I don’t need you to tell me so you can feel better about yourself.
  • He had been telling himself that he was “doing the right thing” and all that nice guy shit when moments were hard.
    • This pissed the living shit out of me
    • He also admitted that he too had been crying at work on occasion, still loved me, thought about me every day, and that things had been hard for him.
    • Also, what I texted him really hurt.
      • I took sick pleasure in knowing that.
  • He broke up with me because we had “different goals”. When I asked what mine were he said, “To be a stay at home mom, on a farm, in Maryland”.
    • Only 1/3 of that is true
    • I apparently joked so much about not working, he really thought that was what I wanted and he didn’t want to live it.
  • His goal was, “to take over the world”. Specifics were not identified.
    • I lost my shit when I heard this. How can I not be supportive of a goal that hasn’t even been identified?
  • It really did bother him that we had different senses of humor. That we didn’t find 100% of the same things funny.
    • This also made me lose my shit.
    • No couple, ever, finds exactly the same things funny. We all come from different places and have had different experiences. Because of that, some of us are drier, some are darker, some love puns. BUT OKAY YEAH.
    • When asked to give more detail he said humor is very important to him and he just had high standards…I TELL JOKES ON STAGE, OWN A FUCKING PUPPET, AND WRITE THIS SMUT FOR ALL YOU FUCKERS. YOU REALLY THINK HUMOR ISN’T REALLY IMPORTANT FOR ME TOO?
  • He wasn’t ready for our relationship to be as serious as it was and he didn’t know what he wanted from the beginning.
    • He was the one who used the word “boyfriend” first
    • I was sitting next to him when he told his brother he wanted to live with me
    • We fought over baby names
    • He said repeatedly during our relationship that I was the love of his life
    • He said I was the only girlfriend he had ever seen a future with
  • He had doubts the whole time but really started considering pulling the plug in May.
    • My lease ran out in July so I could have moved had this discussion happened earlier
    • Our 1-year was in July so we could have avoided all that shit and I’d have some extra money to buy myself more vodka right about now
  • It was the marriage thing that did it at the end of the day.

To say I felt weird after that call is an understatement. I had my own theories and ideas and the call confirmed everything. All these things were in his head and it all came down to his own fucking bullshit. On the flip side, despite him trying to say all these things to make me feel better it only dug up my own insecurities. I hadn’t been enough for a lot of different things in my life. I was never thin enough growing up. I wasn’t smart enough in school. And as it turns out I wasn’t funny enough for Jared either. I did everything fucking right and it still wasn’t enough for him to want a future with me.

That was painful.

It took some time to work through that and it’s something I’m still working through. When someone you thought would always be in your corner hurts you like that, it fucks with your ego and it’s been tough to process.

I’ve been asked how I’m doing and truthfully I don’t know. Pretty much every morning I wake up with knots in my stomach, I have trouble falling asleep, my hair has been falling out, and my eating patterns make absolutely no sense.

For the most part I just feel a bit numb and I’m just going through the motions sometimes. When I have a moment to think about everything, I just feel farther and farther from the life I knew. I keep expecting to wake up from all this shit and hear Jared say, “Good morning babe!” as he leans in to kiss me.

As for dating, I’m feeling slightly lost. I’ve been looking inward at my own goals and been questioning if another person can even fit into them right now. At the same time, I feel this crazy internal pressure to get back out there because if I want to have children, I need to be aware of “the clock”. (No joke, every time I watch This Is Us I have an urge to hold a million babies and cry). So right now I’m kind of dating passively. I’m not putting in any more fucking effort than I have to and seeing what the fuck happens.

But during all this shit, a friend told me that when you’re healing there are days that you can only handle being open to it. And that’s okay. Being open is the first step to giving yourself grace and sometimes that’s enough to start big change.

Here I am. Being open to healing with all of you. I don’t know when I’ll be back to my full self, or even what that would look like, but I’m open to seeing where I go from here.

 

The Coworker: UPDATE

Published on by datinglauraLeave a comment

Name: Elijah*

Recap:

Elijah and I worked together several years ago and I kind of always thought there was something between us but I figured I was wrong. Plus, even if there was something, I was seriously dating someone at the time and our company was not about its employees getting together.

This year, he was in NYC and we had possibly the best date I had ever been on. He was so nice, I was so comfortable with him, and it ended it a solid ass kiss. Only thing was that he lived far away.

Update:

Despite the distance between us, Elijah still messaged me pretty consistently after our date and would get pretty flirty. I asked what he was up to one day and he said he had the day off and was on the beach. I responded with something along the lines of, “Oh, living the dream!” He countered with, “Not quite, the dream is to have you next to me.” WOAH. Damn. Alright.

About a month or so after his visit, I met up with my old boss (who happened to be best friends with Elijah when we all worked together.) We were catching up when he started with,

“So I heard you had a visitor…”

“Yeah, Elijah was in the city last month and we caught up. It was nice.”

“Oh I am sure he treated you sooooo nicely.”

“Yeah? I guess? …WHAT DO YOU KNOW?”

I gave the quick and dirty of what happened and then my boss said, “I don’t know if I should be telling you this but he has had the biggest crush on you. He would ask me all the time if he could just take you out on a date and I had to keep telling him no since you worked for me. I told him that y’all can hang out and be friends then after graduation he could do whatever.”

O.M.G. Wow. Holy shit. This blew my fucking mind. Like yes, I kinda always thought he had a crush on me but I also looked very different then, really didn’t give a fuck since I already had a boyfriend, and made no effort since said boyfriend lived far away. I was literally at my grossest and Elijah was that into me.

So many things started making sense. It wasn’t just that we would get food all the time. It was how he looked at me from across the table. It was how he would always stop by when I was working to “see my boss”. It was how he would check on me after a rough night at work. It was how he would text me over holiday breaks just to see how I was doing. It was how he was so happy to have taken a photo with me at our year end dinner. I was right all along.

A part of me felt like I had missed an opportunity from way back when. What would that date have looked like? Would we have lasted awhile? Would either of us have moved after? But, as much as I wonder I know I wouldn’t have wanted it at the time. I was so in love with my boyfriend and clearly my boss wouldn’t have let it happen. But sometimes when it’s late, I had a bad day, and I’m alone, I go to bed thinking “I WAS FUCKING RIGHT. YOU GOT A MAN AT YOUR UGLIEST. YOU GO LAURA.” And I wake up with the biggest smile.