Situation #9.1: Fleet Week 2K18

What Happened:

Fleet Week is a magical week in NYC where sailors, marines, and coast guardsmen come into the city and we all get some military ass.

My Fleet Week started slow to say the least. I was sick that Friday night so couldn’t go out until Saturday. While I was sick at home, I swiped through Tinder like a fucking mad woman. I had not had decent action in awhile and truly I wasn’t entirely opposed to a one night stand with a guy who hadn’t seen a woman in months. I matched with this guy who was incredibly out of my league and was only in the city for the weekend. We exchanged numbers and decided that we would try to meet up at the same bar over the weekend.

Saturday night my friend and I went out in the city and found ourselves at Hair of the Dog. It was ratched AF. We were watching the basketball game and during breaks would look around to see where the crowd was at. About an hour in we saw them. Sailors. But we were not the only ones. Within seconds girls were all over them, wearing their hats, and trying to get pics for instagram. Upon further review, not one of these men was attractive so I ended up talking to a civilian, he took my number, and then I was weird. I was about to leave and couldn’t tell if he wanted to kiss or not. So we went in for the hug and my drunken mind thought it would be a great idea to kiss him on the cheek. I missed. Got the guy’s neck. OH WELL.

Since Saturday was a bust and it was a long weekend, we figured Sunday could be our redemption. We went out to the first bar with no luck. Moved to the one next door and saw those white uniforms. Perf. We got our beers and found a free table to watch the basketball game. The guys we were sitting with were all Cavaliers fans and one in particular would not shut the fuck up. Somehow, he ended up with my number. While we worked on our beers, the guy I matched with on Tinder let me know where he and his friends were headed and it wasn’t too too far from where we were. We downed our beers and made the trek over.

This bar was weird. It looked like a hallway that got converted to a shitty club because some kid had a bean bag chair and some dj equipment. The music was bad but we were a little turnt, wanted to dance, and I was waiting for Tinder guy to show up.

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Then everything happened so fast. My friend and I were dancing and probably 7 minutes into us being there both of us ended up with a marine. He and I danced for a minute and then he asked if I wanted a drink. I agreed and we got beers. The bar had slightly better lighting and I got a glimpse of his face. He was cute. Somehow age came up and he asked how old I thought he was. I guessed 20/21. He said 22. (Upon finding his instagram, he was actually 19). No joke, I don’t think he ever needs to shave. He then guessed my age and came up with 22. I’m 25 AKA grandma status.

Even though he was young, he explained that he was the highest ranked marine in the bar and was a gunner. Holy. Shit. This child had more balls than I ever will. I asked why he joined and he said “This” while motioning to the crowd. “It’s seeing everyone so happy and knowing I’m making it possible for them.” We kept talking and he said he was going to be shipped out to Syria in a year. FUCK. …then I gave him my number and we crushed some jagerbombs as one does.

We moved back out to the dance floor and were making out in seconds. He pressed me against the dj booth, felt me up, said how hot I was, sucked on my neck, and left a hickey while I ran my hands down his back and kissed his neck. He was ripped.

Despite me having a great time, my tinder “date” was not as amused.

5

OH WELL.

My friend’s marine sucked so she said she was leaving. I had to leave my guy but it was a little difficult to do. That make out was really hot. When I got outside I couldn’t find her so I figured I’d call a Lyft and start heading out. The second I pulled my phone out another marine appeared to smoke a cigarette. He was a leaner guy who was maybe 5’9″. Truthfully, I couldn’t tell how attractive he was because the brim of his hat sat so low on his forehead but he didn’t look too too bad. He shared some fun nuggets of info. The one I distinctly remember was that he said, “Gay shit happens. No really, when you’re out there that long…I’ve cuddled with some guys before. It happens.”

Fam, I don’t know how this next part happened but in what felt like 2 minutes we were making out hard on the street, he gave me his number, and he was so fucking close to getting a hotel room. But alas, the Lyft got there before he could do anything else.

In the Lyft, I thought it would be a great idea to drunk text. Keep in mind, we have the guy from Saturday I was waiting on, the creepy guy, and 2 marines.

When I got this text, I was with my first marine and I thought it was the guy from the night before. After some beer, jagerbombs, and a few hours I then thought it was the first marine.

6…it was the creepy guy. FUCK.

I couldn’t remember the second marine’s name so when I opened my phone I saw a guy’s name and deduced it was his.

7.jpgWell that went well.

I was bummed. I really thought I would get at least one guy to text me that weekend. But low and behold, in the final hours I got an add on Snapchat and my marine came through.

89Thanks for the adventures Fleet Week. Until next time.

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TBT: Done Fucked Up

App: Tinder

Name: Ray*

Date Location: Midfield Cafe – Nashua, NH

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – It’s a diner. Food is cheap. There’s bacon.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

To start, let’s put it on record that I am a moron. Good? Great.

During this particular period of my life, I was stressed AF. I had been working 9 years on a goal and in 3 weeks I was going to find out if I would achieve it or not. (Spoiler, I didn’t.) On top of that, I was still salty about the whole Connor thing and was leaning towards moving to NYC in the coming weeks. Lots of shit happening.

When Ray and I connected, I had about half a brain cell left but for whatever reason this fucker was interested in my ditzy ass. He asked for my snapchat and my number so we were snapping consistently but for whatever reason still messaging on the app. My dumb ass had typed the number wrong. Awk.

We made plans to go out, I picked my favorite spot, but it started to snow. I thought I had said that we would go out the next night. I didn’t. He went to the bar that night. DAMN IT LAURA.

We decided to meet the next morning for breakfast at a diner by him. I got up early that morning, shoveled my car out of a foot of snow, enlisted a friend to help push my car out of the driveway, and somehow made it. This was going to be a story for the ages. This was how I would meet the father of my children.

That didn’t happen. Ray was probably the most boring person I ever met. Despite being from Alaska, he had nothing to say about it. Everything was “okay”. He played volleyball at school. What did Ray have to say? “It’s fun.” K.

He was graduating college in a few weeks and at this point I kind of knew deep down that I was going to be moving. Before I could send “the text” he had sent me a message that he had such a good time, even if it didn’t look like it because he was so nervous to be around “such a beautiful woman”. Shit. Damn it. I was about to be an asshole.

I sent “the text” but this one I went a little off script. I said something along the lines of, “Thank you so much I had a great time but truth be told I just don’t have the time to be dating right now and I still have some things to work out with my ex.” The ex was a new addition. I expected no response. I instead got a really nice text back saying something like, “I understand. I’m graduating soon so I’m also busy but if you ever want to hang out, even as friends let me know.”

Thanks Ray. It was real.

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Encounter #25.1: Or Something

App: Tinder

Name: Maxwell*

Date Location: The Jeffrey

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Tight space but has a ton of craft beer options including cider and has a cozy vibe.

Date Duration: 3.5 hours

What Happened:

Going in, I had no idea if Maxwell was attractive. His Tinder profile wasn’t completely indicative and based on the one clear photo there was, he looked like a 35-year old trapped in a 24-year old’s body. At this point in my dating life, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go out with guys I normally wouldn’t talk to. Clearly whatever the fuck I was doing before wasn’t quite working so why not change it up.

I beat him to the bar and anxiously awaited for his arrival. Was he the really hot guy who was walking my way? No. Was he the really creepy guy who just made eye contact with me? No. He rolled up to the table and I immediately thought, “Meh. Could do a lot worse.” But he did look better than his photos so that was a win in itself.

Talking to him was so fucking easy. I don’t know if he was faking interest in what I had to say or what but he was fucking great at it if he was. We went back and forth and it didn’t feel one sided or that I was carrying the team on my back.

Maxwell had his shit together for a 24-year old. He did accounting for a real estate company and had his own place in a nice area. Aside from that he was a craft beer fanatic, would try to go to one concert a year, NY sports fan, Italian, and was close to his younger sister.

Here’s the thing. I didn’t think I could be attracted to him physically. He had his moments. His voice wasn’t bad (he sounded like my friend’s boyfriend which was a little weird.) But it just wasn’t there for me.

That in mind, he walked me to my train stop and we ended up kissing. It was good. Pretty solid. But not good enough to seal the deal.

Despite that, I felt like I kept knocking people out too early. Maybe if I gave this guy a second chance it could work. I clearly vibed with him so what would the harm be in going out with him one more time to be sure?

Apparently more than I thought. We established a date and in the planning, things took a turn.

2

DAMN IT. HE WANTED TO SMASH, I DIDN’T FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE, AND I WAS PLANNING ON ENDING IT AFTER THE SECOND DATE. FUCKKK. Okay, I could turn this around.

3

…nope. In all fairness this was not a lie. The two days after I sent the text I had to stay home from work for a throat infection. Oh. Well.

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Encounter #22.1: Beanie Boy

App: Tinder

Name: Beck*

Date Location: 9 Bar Cafe

Location Review: 2.5 Stars – Small space, not a lot of coffee options, hipster AF

Date Duration: 1.5 hours

What Happened:

It had been a few weeks since I had gone out with anyone. After cutting someone loose because of herpes, I felt it was time to be a little more passive with the dating game. Rather than swipe aggressively, craft answers, and make myself available I would just see what came into my inbox and go from there.

Beck opened with, “Who would win in a fight? Forrest Gump vs Tommy Pickles” Weird. I was into it. We had some banter back and forth until he asked me out for coffee. Also weird. How was I going to make it through a first date without drinking?

I made it there first and saw a hottie to my right. Was not my date upon further review. I took a seat facing the door. I was ready for a great ass date. He walked in. I looked up. I immediately wanted to leave.

He wore a beanie, had a scraggly beard, and gave the general vibe that he had not showered for a few days. Shit. And no alcohol on this date? We’re fucked.

We started talking and it was clear we would not go out again. He only asked me one question the entire time we were out. “What do you do for work?” He then told me all about his two jobs, the commute, living in NJ, how he never sleeps, why he never sleeps, what music he’s into, where his friends live, his siblings, and all the indie concerts he had been to.

After an hour or so, he said he had to go which I was more than fine with. I had to make the turn to get to the train so we hugged, went our separate ways, and I unmatched him as soon as I got on the train.

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