Encounter #86.1: Good Soup

App: Hinge

Name: Harold*

Date Location: Assembly – Quincy, MA

Location Review: It’s fine. Overall like the vibes but I didn’t think the food was all that.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

For whatever reason, I had a week that I was popular on the apps. So like any slut would do, I scheduled the date for the day after another at the very same restaurant because fuck it.

Harold appealed to me because low key, he seemed like he had his shit together. Worked in some kind of banking/finance, was working on his MBA, and managed to ask me questions while we chatted on the app.

When I walked up to him, I was happy with what I saw. He was tall and decently attractive. We grabbed our seats at the bar and when we got talking, the chemistry wasn’t completely there. It’s not that anything was horribly wrong, I just wasn’t 100% sold.

I will say, we were talking about what we were looking for and he gave me the classic, “I don’t want to force anything. I really just want to see where things go blah blah blah”. Barf. I clapped back with, “You know you can just say you’re not ready for a relationship, right?”. He laughed. I didn’t. You’re 31 and don’t know if you want a relationship or not? Buh-bye.

The nail in the coffin though happened once we left the restaurant. Up until this point, I wasn’t entirely feeling it but I wasn’t 100% put off. When we got outside he kissed me and he made the loudest slurp noises I have ever heard in my life. How on a busy road could I hear this man slurp while he made out with me? Ick was acquired and that was the end of that.

Encounter #82.2: Brazil

App: Hinge

Name: Joao*

Date Location: Apartment

Location Review: N/A

Date Duration: 16 hours

What Happened:

My day sucked and I already had one hookup that day so figured I should keep the hoe train going. Joao had been texting me consistently since the first time we went out and I mentioned that I was planning on guzzling a bottle of wine since the day was trash. I was already 2 glasses in and felt ballsy so I asked him to come over so I wouldn’t be drinking alone. He agreed.

It’s important to note that Joao was adorable AF. He brought over a bag of pita chips for us to munch on and was a good sport about me serving him half burnt, gluten-free, frozen pizza. Actually, when the smoke alarm went off he was kind enough to show me how to put it on hush mode.

We watched a movie and the whole time I didn’t know where he stood. I was slightly buzzed but by no means drunk enough to make the first move. As the movie went on I slowly started leaning my leg on his. Eventually touched his arm. And after a movie and 3 episodes of Brooklyn 99, he kissed me.

This kiss turned into an immediate make-out and me getting on top of him. Before I knew it, he was on top of me and started eating me out. Holy shit. He knew what he was doing.

I reciprocated and we just kept making out. It was late so I asked if he wanted to stay the night provided we don’t fuck. He agreed.

So we went to my room and he continued laying work down on me. He had told me previously that he was a giver and got more out of getting a girl off. He was not lying.

After we hooked up he cuddled up with me and I felt something on my face. Our boy laid down a forehead kiss. Fucking melted.

We hooked up again in the morning and then went our separate ways to work. And he still continued to talk to me. We saw each other pretty much every week for a few months but it didn’t seem like it was going anywhere. Yes, he would feed me but, we never went out in public together. Actually, the only time we ever did was our first date which felt painfully familiar to me.

Out of nowhere, I felt this kind of energy shift that I can’t explain. Nothing happened between us but it just felt like he didn’t want to do whatever we were doing anymore. I forget what it was that I texted him. Wasn’t anything significant by any means but, I never heard from him again.

Encounter #82.1: Brazil

App: Hinge

Name: Joao*

Date Location: Spettus Brazilian Steakhouse & Fowler House Cafe – Quincy, MA

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – The parking lot gave me food poisoning vibes but everything was fine. Apparently as far as Brazilian BBQ goes, it’s okay but the food was cheap.

3.5 Stars – It’s your basic sports bar. Has cozy atmosphere though.

Date Duration: 9 hours

What Happened:

My “bar” at this point in time was at a historical low so it was very refreshing to match with someone who genuinely wanted to talk to me. Not too long into chatting on the app we moved to text and conversation was easy. Joao even would remember shit I said and then follow up on it days later. For example, I told him I was getting my booster shot whatever day and this kid texted me the day of to wish me luck and see how I was going. Just very sweet.

We texted nearly nonstop so we covered decent ground going in. I did know that he had a breakup recent-ish and that it was a long-term thing since he got a dog with his ex around 2017ish and she ended up keeping it. But we’re also 30 so not too shocking at this point. We did have similar taste in music though. Both of us bump Daughtry more than we should admit and it was fun sending song recs back and forth. He also has struggled with weight and body image in the past which was extremely comforting on my end. I don’t find a lot of men truly “get it” so it was refreshing to talk to someone who could sympathize.

Finally, it came time to meet up and he offered to come close to me which I always appreciate. Since he is Brazilian, BBQ came up quite a bit and since he knew the ropes he offered to take me. There was only one Brazilian place by me and there were questionable yelp reviews, but fuck it. We were in it together.

The parking lot looked like a place where I’d get food poisoning no lie. But, I saw Joao in the parking lot, and not only did he look like his pics, he was cute. Very tall and had a broader build so I felt like a lady.

We got in and he talked me through everything. Also was super hot when he ordered for me in Portuguese. Oh my god. I know he was just ordering chicken but it sounded so sexy and I kept staring at him like a loser.

We sat down to eat and conversation was just as easy as it was over text. So easy, that we were at the restaurant for a solid 5 hours. Politically, we had the same views and it was clear he knew his shit. Also, we got a little deep. It came up at some point that I had been with someone for 6 years from high school into college and that’s when he gave me a little more about himself. That relationship he had told me about over text, was his ex-wife. They had been together for 12 years, 4 of which they were married, and it ended when she cheated on him. So when I asked him if he had any bad dates this explained why he didn’t have much to say. He really never dated.

I didn’t mind this. If anything, it kinda made him hotter. I know I am jaded AF so to be with someone who really had no idea what to expect and is “house trained” so to speak, was refreshing.

Since we had been at the restaurant so long we heard the music start repeating, I asked if he wanted to go to a bar down the road. At this point, I didn’t know how he felt about me but he agreed so I guess I was in the clear.

The next place went similarly. We talked and talked and talked until the bar closed down. He had parked behind me so we walked together. I kept giving him the eyes not sure what to expect. We hugged, which considering he had never really dated I took as a good sign, and I was happy to see his name pop up on my phone when I got home.