Encounter #53.1: The Fivehead

App: Hinge

Name: Noah*

Date Location: The Ashford – Jersey City

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Cool date spot. The decor makes it feel a little sexy with the velvet wallpaper, happy hour is good, beautiful rooftop, and has a gay bar attached.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Things with Noah seemed promising. From what I remember, the chat to text transition went pretty well and it didn’t take long until we made plans.

We originally planned to go to Taqueria but it was packed. So after meeting me there and seeing the line, we decided to check out another place in the area. Just in the 8 minute walk over I was skeptical. I saw him text someone within 2 minutes of us walking and he wasn’t too talkative even though he was A FUCKING RECRUITER. Like come on, isn’t small talk your thing?

We got our table and of course, this is the night this place has shit service. I had been there dozens of times with no issue, but on this night with this awkward date it had to happen.

We made awkward small talk for at least 15 minutes while we waited for someone to get our drink order. TBH I just kept staring at how big his forehead was. Like damn, you could have parked a plane on that thing.

After the beer hit our systems things got marginally better. I still felt like I was grilling him though. The entire time we were together, I think he may have asked me a total of four questions. Fucking four. We waited for the check and it was clear that neither one of us was feeling it and we waited in silence for the bulk of the time.

Noah walked me to the train which was nice although highly unnecessary given how uninterested both of us were. We hugged, I went on my way, and drunkenly hit up my fuck buddy. All in a day’s work.

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Encounter #50.1 – The Lizard

App: Hinge

Name: Tom*

Date Location: Bobby Dee’s – Jersey City

Location Review:  3.0 Stars – The best example of an old man bar I could ever find. Drinks were cheap, band was terrible, but there are sandwiches.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Tom and I matched over the Christmas holiday and texted constantly. Conversation was easy and it definitely helped that he lived just down the hill from me. All about convenient fuckery.

Going in, I didn’t know what to expect physically. He seemed attractive-ish but I was on the fence. I then creeped his ass on Facebook and saw that he was a relatively interesting guy, wasn’t horrible looking all the time, and was in a frat during his college years. Not a fan of that last part but I do love a good fuck boi.

He met me at the bar and it was clear he photographed better than he looked in person and all his photos were older. Well, shit. Maybe the conversation would make up for it?

NOPE. The whole time it felt like I was carrying the team on my back. I was asking plenty of questions but he really wasn’t asking me any. After about an hour an a half he asked if I wanted to get out of there. I had just come home from the holiday that night and I was anxious to get back to my bed and unpack. I went to close out and since I got there first, it was all on my tab. He made no effort to pay for his half. Rockin’.

He offered to walk me home since it was so close and when we got to my apartment he went in for the kiss and I didn’t swerve fast enough. We ended up making out and it was shit. I don’t mean to brag but, I purposely took up the saxophone in the 5th grade so I’d be a better kisser. I know what I’m doing. This motherfucker was kissing like a lizard and wouldn’t back down and follow my rhythm.

He needed to call an Uber and since it was chilly I said I’d let him in and I’d wait in the foyer with him. He then tried to get up to my apartment. Hard no. He invited me to go back with him. Harder no. Somehow I got stuck having to make out with him while he grabbed my ass and waited for his car. Easily the longest 4 minutes of my life.

He went on his way and we never spoke again.

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Encounter #48.1 – Jon Bon Jesuit

App: Hinge

Name: Nathan*

Date Location: Green Rock – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Happy hour drinks were cheap, food smelled good, bathroom was clean.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

I had been talking to Nathan on and off for a bit and I wanted to fuck his brains out. Physically, he was exactly what I look for. Tall, dark features, broad ass shoulders, 30-ish. The whole thing.

I wanted to meet as soon as possible so I asked him out. He lived in Hoboken which was another selling point for him. I’m a sucker for sheer convenience. He suggested the bar and we got to work.

I showed up and he already had a beer waiting for me. Holy shit. This is why you date 30-year olds. So classy! Conversation was super easy. He was Italian and from New Jersey so we covered a lot of ground on family. We bonded pretty quickly since he went to the Jesuit university down the road from where I went to college so we talked a lot about Baltimore and the bars we used to go to.  He was New Jersey through and through and made some comment about never wanting to leave…interesting.

He seemed to be my brand of weird. We joked the same way (although my comments are filled with a fuck ton more curse words) and would make so many side comments. Truthfully, I was enjoying the shit out of my time.

It appeared he was too. He kept getting more drinks and we had about 3 beers each. But then something happened. I don’t know if I said something or we just weren’t a match but, he said he was going “to go home and watch a movie or something” so he called it short. Weird. Maybe he really was tired?

However when we walked out he hugged me, said it was great meeting me, and then walked the other direction. No kiss. No walking me to the train. Nothing.

What made it weirder was that he texted me the next night saying he had fun and thanked me for a movie recommendation. I said I had fun too. No response.

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Encounter #45.1: Hockey Player

App: Hinge

Name: Rickey*

Date Location: Pet Shop – Jersey City, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Cool, divey spot. Has decent beer selection and a vegetarian menu

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Rickey and I were messaging back and forth for fucking centuries. After awhile, I decided to leave him on read and that’s when he finally asked my ass out.

He met me at the bar and he was a very sweet guy. He grew up in Illinois so he had that midwestern charm, played hockey, and was now coaching kids. FUCK, my ovaries are quivering. He also worked for the NJ Devils and offered up Bruins v Devils tickets. Okay, I see you flexing. Conversation overall was fine. Nothing too too crazy. I definitely felt that I was a bit much for him considering every other word I say is “fuck” but he kept getting drinks so I figured he wasn’t too miserable.

The entire time we were together I couldn’t quite pinpoint who he looked like. He seemed so familiar and it was driving me crazy. Then it hit me. He was a carbon copy of my high school boyfriend. Holy. Shit. Twins.

We both had to get up early the next morning so Rickey walked me down to the train. As we walked I also noticed he lied. He said he was 5’10” on his profile. I am 5’8″. This guy clocked in at easily 5’7″. Either he had early onset osteoporosis and was using his old height or he padded the number. Now, as we know I do not discriminate on height. I have a theory that shorter guys eat pussy better. However, I don’t think it’s right to fudge your numbers. I may not care, but some other bitch will.

We were waiting on the platform for our trains and he asked if he could see me again. I agreed. Then he asked if he could kiss me. I agreed. It was fine. Nothing life changing. The fact that my train was pulling up definitely put a damper on things but all in all, not bad. We texted a bit over the weekend and I never heard from him again.

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