Encounter #70.1: Turkish Delight

App: Tinder

Name: Hugo*

Date Location: Hops N Scotch – Brookline, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Food was really tasty and the menu had a lot of fun stuff. Cocktails were also good and atmosphere was warm.

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

Hugo got through on a “How Hot Can I Bag” technicality. His photos were promising but I will say lower res. Once he opened with the lyrics to County Roads I let him slide.

Going in, things were pretty good conversation wise. He grew up on the Greek/Turkish coast and was very career motivated. He seemed to like what he did for work, was good at it, and was looking to buy a house in the next year or so. Love an established king.

He was quick to make plans which was much appreciated. He beat me to the bar so I got a good look at him as I walked up the block. Not exactly what I expected not gonna lie. Not bad but, thought he’d wear something besides a hoodie and sneakers. Also looked like one of my friend’s dads. Weird vibes.

The conversation was fine overall. He asked a lot of questions about me which was a nice change for once. He did tell me questionable stories though. Got a lot of stories about being angry, calling friends out, that kind of thing. In that same breath he also apologized for literally ANYTHING. We got boneless wings and while he bit into one, a drop of sauce fell on his jeans. Not a huge deal. He was low key freaking out and kept laying on how sorry he was. No idea what his last relationship was like but, that’s not my vibe at all.

It was raining and I had an hour drive ahead of me to get home so we called it a night. He walked me to my car and in the walk over it was very clear that he was way more into me than I was him. He kept touching me and I was so happy I was wearing a face mask because I did not want to have that awkward good bye kiss situation.

We got to the car and I saw that he wanted to do it. He kept bringing up how much fun he had and I recognized the look in his eyes. Mama wasn’t having it. Gave an awkward hug and did not remove the face mask until I was in the car with the door shut and locked. Honestly, best fucking part of the face mask area. Gets you out of so many uncomfortable interactions with men.

We texted for a day or two after since I was on the fence on if I really didn’t like him. He slipped a few stories that further cemented the anger thing and I Nagasaki’ed the guy.

Encounter #69.2: Air Force

App: Tinder

Name: Colton*

Date Location: Panera Bread

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

Since our first date, Colton and I talked nonstop. Also, things got a little saucier than they were before. Like we were writing each other erotica and having the “What do you like?” conversation. Despite us both being truly disgusting, it never crossed into a creepy or uncomfortable territory. Even though he said filthy shit, it was still respectful if that makes any sense at all.

The plan was I’d meet him on base and then we’d go and get brunch. Gotta be honest, the Air Force base in Massachusetts looks like a 1970s community college. I parked at the house and somehow I ended up inside. Within about 30 seconds we were making out, he picked me up, and carried me to the couch. Hot.

I was a bit hung over so even though the work he was putting down felt great, I needed to eat something. I pumped the brakes and we headed out to brunch.

Now I was told we were getting brunch in Boston. We ended up in Burlington, MA. Not bad, but it’s not Boston. A bit different. The restaurant he wanted to go to was nice but they didn’t do reservations and there was a 40 minute wait. Then we tried 2 more places and they were both closed. This left us with Panera Bread.

He insisted on paying for everything and made a point to be the one to go up and get the food and all that. Any opportunity he had he’d touch me in some way either by holding my hand or having some part of him touch me which I really liked.

Brunch was fine. I was hurting and he had a cross fit competition the day before so we were both a bit dead (more on that later). But once we got some food in us we started to get back to our normal baseline.

On the way home, he gave me a tour of the base and mentioned again that he was looking to leave it. After seeing everything, I didn’t blame him. But, it made it clear that this was probably just going to be a casual thing. It wasn’t ideal but, I also wasn’t opposed to having a little summer fling situation.

We got back to his house and as expected, things started happening upon arrival. He got my clothes off and went to work pretty quickly and it just wasn’t it. I won’t say it was bad but, it wasn’t my vibe. The moves he whipped out were something I’ve only seen in porn. He more or less spread my cooch apart and went in like it was a watermelon. Sir, there is only one spot I need you to work on and you’re everywhere but there. On top of that he was playing with my tits but not in a pleasurable way. It felt like he was trying to pull them off my body. Just no chill. Warm up the car a bit before getting in there.

I asked if I could reciprocate so I made my way to blow him. At this point in time he was completely soft. Okay, he’s the type of person who needs to be actively touched to get hard. That’s fine. I got to work and after about a minute he pulled my head up. I kept jacking him off and 30 seconds later I felt it. My hand was suddenly drenched and was incredibly warm.

I didn’t want him to feel weird or be embarrassed so I didn’t look down. I just kept making out with him and waited for him to say something. He sighed, apologized, and blamed it on being dead from his competition the day before. I mean it happens. I wasn’t going to make it weird. I get it. He wasn’t feeling 100, I was a new person, whatever. I was going to be there a few more hours anyways.

We spent the next few hours cuddled up naked on the couch making out. The conversation just wasn’t there though. I realized that since I got there that morning, he asked me maybe 3 questions and it was a lot of me carrying the team.

Eventually things heated back up again and got better on my end. Still not as good as promised but, it wasn’t horrible. I asked again if I could work on him. This time he lasted 2 minutes. I know my strengths and I know I’m good. I’m not that good though. This was a day for personal records.

We cuddled a little bit longer and then it was time for me to head out. He had to watch his sergeant’s kids and I was just tapped out. He walked me to my car but made no mention of future plans. We kissed and I went on my way. When I got home I sent the “Thank you for having me blah blah blah” text and to my surprise he responded and said he’d want to do it again. We texted here and there in the days after but it just wasn’t the same. He wasn’t nearly as talkative and it just felt forced. The only times he really asked me anything or seemed interested were when things got a little sexy.

I never answered his last text of “hahaha”, and that was the end of that.

Encounter #69.1: Air Force

App: Tinder

Name: Colton*

Date Location: Sully’s Ice Cream Stand – Chelmsford, MA

Location Review:  4 Stars – Ice cream was so good and was super thick and creamy. Is cash only but has an ATM.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Colton was a winner of “how hot can I bag”. I didn’t really know what to expect but he was good looking and double messaged me on a day I ran into an ex’s family member and was vulnerable. Bitch couldn’t resist.

Talking to him was oddly easy. We had very similar, dark senses of humor and just vibed. He grew up in North Carolina and then joined the Air Force as a medic so he had lived a bunch of places. Despite being military and originally from the south, he didn’t seem to have the belief system to match. He was very respectful of me though and would call me m’am over text which was so fucking hot. Colton was into cross fit and was ripped af so that was fun. Wasn’t mad about some of the pics I got leading up. Also he was reform Jew so that was on brand for me. Was bald though. Can’t have everything.

He wanted to meet my dog and go to a place where we could walk around for a bit so we decided on an ice cream spot that was halfway between the base and my place. He walked up to my car and he looked just as good as he did in his photos. That body don’t quit.

We got some ice cream and took our spot on a bench. Conversation flowed just as easily as it did over text. My dog was being a pain in the ass so we decided to walk around so she could calm down. There were a few times during the walk when I thought we were going to kiss. There was a moment where I saw a horse and I was trying to point out where it was and he just kept staring at me. Then we stopped to chit chat while I let my dog off leash and thought it was going to happen. Nothing. Finally, he went in for it and holy fuck it was perfect. Just the right amount of tongue, had his hand tangled up in my hair while the other was on my back, and the whole world felt like it stopped for a minute. Just magic.

We kept walking around holding hands. We had established early on in the texts prior that we were physical touch type of people so it felt easy in that aspect. No matter what someone was either holding a hand, touching a shoulder, or putting a hand on a back which felt so safe and nice. He was into me and the feeling was mutual.

While we were out he asked me out for another date a few days later so he could take me out to brunch. #Swoon The only possible red flag was that he was looking to transfer to a new base…in Arizona. I wasn’t sure if I had misheard him so I wasn’t going to make it weird.

Despite that, the whole night was just comfortable and very easy. We laughed a lot and made out in between jokes. Eventually my dog was pooped from running around and we decided to call it a night. After I threw her in the car he really went to work and holy fuck the man was good with his hands. Dear god. Basement was flooded.

It was exciting to just be excited about a person again. Even if it didn’t pan out, I was happy and just so curious to see what could happen next.

Encounter #68.1: Oh my Darling

App: Tinder

Name: Harry*

Date Location: The Hammer & Portsmouth Brewery – New Hampshire

Location Review: 4.5 stars – The Hammer fucking slaps. It’s kind of a dive but that’s what makes it amazing. Food is good too.

4.0 Stars – I’ve never had a bad meal or drink at Portsmouth Brewery. Sandwiches are good and the beer selection is on point.

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

One night while visiting a friend we got the bright idea to project my phone onto her tv so we could do Tinder live. Since I hadn’t opened my account in weeks, we had a lot of sifting to do from the last time it was active. Earlier that month, she and I had travelled and fired up ye ole Tinder to get some restaurant recs and see what kind of men live in the mountains. Harry happened to be one of those men.

As soon as we matched, the conversation started flowing. He just got a job in Boston and worked remote at his family’s cabin up north which is how we ended up matching in the first place. He was originally from Delaware which as a former Marylander, made me so happy. (Also has seen Joe Biden multiple times). He was very well educated and clearly very smart. The kid got into the Naval Academy way back when. Also was in band in high school, played rugby, brewed his own beer, and was an RA in college. Even though he looked like every douchey Maryland bro in his photos, he kept breaking the stereotype.

We moved to text and although we weren’t texting all day every day, our texts looked like fucking essays. No joke, it would take over 45 minutes to respond to them and we did like 4-5 text dumps a day leading up to the date.

He offered to drive 3+ hours to meet me down state which was a new one. I could never get a guy from Manhattan to meet me in NJ so this was one for the books.

Leading up to the date, I was a nervous wreck. In my mind, this was the championship game and I fucking got in on a technicality. Fucking up was not an option. This led me to going to the mall at least 4 times in 24 hours to make sure I had the perfect outfit, tweezing my Frida Kahlo eyebrows that hadn’t been touched in months, and shitting my goddamn brains out from nerves.

He walked up to the bar and from what I could tell with a face mask on, he was cute. VERY tall. The bar we wanted to try was packed so we walked around and chit chatted for a bit before settling on something.

He made a point to open doors for me which was very refreshing. Plus, when he took his mask and parka off, I was pleasantly surprised that he looked like his photos and that he was a little thicc. Not heavy by any means but as someone who had very much gained the COVID-19 (okay, 25), it made me feel a lot more comfortable.

Off the bat, it was obvious that he lived on the west coast for awhile. He spoke a lot slower than I did and his voice was a lot more chill. My northeast ass had to adjust. Overall, conversation was fine. Tbh had no idea if he was into me. I kept staring at his eyes trying to see if his pupils were dilating to get some hint of his vibe. The only noteworthy thing was when we were talking about dating profiles and how certain interests are not personality traits. (Ex: Liking The Office, brunch, yoga, fishing, craft beer, whiskey, petting dogs, etc.) He made some comment like, “Well you clearly have A LOT of personality”…Thanks? I think that was a compliment? I’m going to say it was a compliment. After a few beers and a sandwich (that he paid for) we decided to walk around a bit before finding another place.

The walk was nice and at this point I was feeling loose so was really hoping he’d go for the hand but nothing happened. We walked along the water and I can 100% guarantee that I was talking about magicians.

We made it to the second bar and the conversation continued. It felt a lot drier than it did over text which was disappointing and the conversation never really shifted from him. He had decent stories and all that but it would have been nice if he asked me some questions here and there.

We had been together for 5 or so hours and he had a long drive back so it was time to call it a night. I will say, I was surprised how it ended. So we went outside and did the “Alright, well I parked there” thing. I still had no idea if he liked me. Did he just spend the day with me because he hasn’t seen a woman in months or did we have chemistry? We hugged and he went in his direction and I in mine. Considering I had downed 3-4 beers I was really disappointed. Was kinda hoping he’d walk me back to my car and kiss me. I get that COVID complicates that but, since he was such a gentleman the rest of the time I was surprised he didn’t at least walk with me to my car.

Later that night I got a text that said he had a lot of fun and wanted to do it again sometime. I was down. I mean I didn’t get that thunderbolt of a spark but I wanted to try a new approach. There were no major red flags and overall our time was nice so I didn’t have a reason to cut it off yet.

We texted very briefly and he didn’t ask me anything so I never answered his last message. We never spoke again.

Encounter #67.1: Mountain Man

App: Tinder

Name: Daniel*

Date Location: Littleton Freehouse Taproom & Eatery – New Hampshire

Location Review:  4.0 StarsFor the area, this place is really cool. Decent beer selection and the snacks we had were good. Would want to check it out again in non-COVID times

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

During COVID, my friend and I would travel to random places in New England for the weekend for changes in scenery. One weekend we found ourselves up in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Curious to see what kind of people live up there, we fired up ye olde Tinder.

I quickly matched with a mountain man who sent us decent beer and restaurant recommendations. Also asked for photos of me in a swimsuit right off the bat…that was the first red flag. Please note this was after he said there are no cute girls in the mountains. I mean if that’s your strategy to get one, I can see how it hasn’t worked out.

While we were out at the bar my friend and I figured, “Fuck it. Let’s invite him.” Our boy Daniel pulled through and we made our way to the table. I want to note by we I mean me, my friend, and this random dude. My friend was about to watch me actively on a date.

Daniel was cool. Very well travelled and into all things outdoors. Really, this guy was going to do a 10-mile hike the next morning in the snow. Overall, it was a decent time. He did not pay for my $8 beer though which put me off slightly.

When my friend and I left the bar we had nice things to say about Daniel and it was nice to hear that I am not as weird on dates as I sometimes think. We joked about how funny it would be if Daniel and I got married and I became a mountain lady.

Well that dream quickly got squashed when he basically asked me to blow him in a car later that night. I declined.

Encounter #66.1: Trip to Nowhere

App: Bumble

Name: Asher*

Date Location: Stillwater – Boston, MA

Location Review:  4 Stars – All I have to say about that menu is wow. Absolutely delicious from start to finish. Just wish parking was slightly easier to find.

Date Duration: 2.5 hours

What Happened:

During lockdown, I would visit one of my good friends at her apartment in Boston. After the break up, I was a sad fuck and wasn’t ready to date. I was ready though to make fun of men’s shitty profiles.

Every time I visited we would fire up my accounts and she would swipe for me to see what on earth was out in the wild. One of her finds though wasn’t too bad and stuck beyond the weekend. Asher and I texted here and there and despite the fact that I left him on read for days at a time, he asked me out to dinner.

I wasn’t sure what to expect. The photos were pretty all over the place but on paper it seemed like he had his life together. He was in his early 30s, worked in finance, and owned a condo by The Garden in Boston. Not too shabby. He also went to University of Maryland so we had a lot to talk about when it came to ways to consume Old Bay.

He beat me to the restaurant and although I was happy he looked like his best pic, I wasn’t completely sold. I figured I had already driven down there, maybe there would be a spark or something.

Asher wined and dined the fuck out of me. Like wow. Drinks, apps, entree AND he brought up dessert. Tbh I can’t remember the last time a man had taken me out like that. For that, I give him credit.

Everything else though just didn’t work. Despite being in his 30s, he was still quite attached to the fraternity he was in in college. It wasn’t just “I keep in touch with my brothers” or, “Most of my friends came from the frat”. Every single story this man told was from 10+ years prior with these guys. Somehow everything under the sun could somehow tie back to this shit.

What was weird about Asher was that despite having some fun stories he was such a grump as a person and we were just polar opposites. He hated traveling and didn’t see the appeal of it. Never in my life have I met anyone who was fine with never seeing or experiencing anything different. Blew my god damn mind.

After a few hours I was very much over it and made some excuse to go. He paid for the whole thing, walked me to my car and even brushed the snow off which I appreciated. We went on our separate ways and never spoke again but, I was back out there. I mean I fucking hated it and went back on a break from dating but, I was treated like a fucking lady and it was kinda nice.

Encounter #65.1: Hallmark Movie

App: Tinder

Name: Rich*

Date Location: Nature Preserve – New Hampshire

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 9 hours

What Happened:

Since I was home during COVID with nothing better to do, I found myself swiping on Tinder quite a bit. Nearly every time I swiped through I would see Rich come up. I didn’t know how but I knew him. He looked so fucking familiar! I screenshotted his profile and sent it to friends and they said the same thing too but no one could figure it out. After awhile I was just so fucking curious so I swiped right so I could get to the bottom of it. We matched. Mission was on.

We started chatting and it turned out we went to high school together but he graduated the year before me. Still had no fucking clue who he was so I had to keep talking to get that damn last name.

He was really cool. Like way cooler than I was expecting for a match that started as a way to get a last name. Also really fucking funny and had a soft spot for the same trashy tv shows.

We had been texting nonstop and decided to watch Jersey Shore at the same time. Somehow we got pretty deep. There was a medium on the episode and that started a conversation on people we had lost. It didn’t get too deep but, it felt oddly easy. I rarely if ever talk about that part of my life and it didn’t feel weird talking to him.

I asked him to FaceTime after and once again, the conversation was easy AF. We kept roasting each other and joked in very similar ways. Next thing I knew it was 2am and we could have kept talking.

The next day he asked what I was doing that night and asked if I wanted to go on a nature adventure with him since it was so nice out. I had nothing to lose. Even if the romantic spark wasn’t there with us, we got along personality wise so at least it was going to be a nice time out.

We met up at a nature preserve and parked ourselves on a bench. As I cracked open my hard seltzer to move it to a water bottle I heard a chuckle. I looked up and of course, there was someone I knew. In my hometown there is one family that is just fucking perfect. All the kids are super smart, athletic, nice, involved in the church, and just nice people all around. There I was drinking in public in front of the dad and one of his daughters. FUCK. Biggest townie moment of my life.

Despite that awkward moment, things were good. I mean I created more awkward moments by making a chlamydia and a rape joke but for whatever reason, Rich didn’t leave. The conversation was so fucking easy and he seemed like a genuinely nice person which was refreshing for my degenerate ass.

It was getting dark so we walked back to our cars. Before we got to the parking lot he asked if I would want to come back to his house to watch Jersey Shore. I said I wanted to but, I didn’t want to give the wrong impression by saying yes. That’s when he said, “No pressure at all. I really just want to spend time with you and hang out. Completely fine if nothing happens, that’s not my intention.” WELL SHIT.

I agreed and followed him back. As it turned out he lived 2 streets away from my parents’ house. What the flying fuck. We hung out in his basement and I still couldn’t gauge if he liked me. Like yeah, he invited me back but he hadn’t made a move yet. I thought he was going to when we walked in then I thought he was when we were standing next to each other looking at the puzzle he was working on. Nothing.

He sat on the couch and I took a spot on the floor and that’s when finally, it happened. We kissed. And it was good. He kissed me again and eventually I moved to his lap and we were sitting there face to face. Everything just felt so comfortable.

I blurted out between make outs that I had an interview for a job in DC in case he wanted an out. He said, “I’ve thought about this a lot and that’s for me to worry about. Obviously, I hope for this to turn into something more but if you get the job, we will cross that bridge when we get there. I just want to spend as much time with you as I can.” My heart.

I can only describe the rest of the date as “one of those nights that lasts forever”. We had the big conversations with jokes and kisses mixed in between. It felt natural.

As expected, I couldn’t quite hold out sexually. So while we started with innocent make outs on the couch, it eventually led to clothes coming off and heavy petting on the floor. OOPS. But hey, I somehow managed to control myself and not fuck his brains out and he was quite the gentleman and didn’t push.

At about 2/2:30 am we called it a night. I went back home walking on air and woke up smiling the next morning when I saw his name, both first and last, pop up on my phone.

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Encounter #64.1: Flight Attendant

App: Hinge

Name: Cody*

Date Location: Jersey City Waterfront

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

I had been chatting with Cody on Hinge for weeks and it was just so easy. He was very funny, sharp, and knew how to keep a conversation moving. It also helped that he was from the midwest and was about 33 so he wasn’t a complete douche.

Cody lived a few towns over from me in NJ and in non-COVID times, was a flight attendant. He knew some pretty obscure 90s references and because he was a flight attendant, hung out with a lot of gay people so he was hip.

I had gotten pretty drunk one night at home and FaceTimed him. Holy shit. This boy was dreamy AF and had a really nice voice to match. Hot DAMN. He put up with my lil drunk ass and still continued to text me in the days after.

I was spending the pandemic up at my parents’ house and had to go down to NJ to pick up some stuff from my apartment. Since I was already going to be down there, I figured I’d hit him up.

We met at the waterfront and had the entire view of the skyline. As I was staring out at the Freedom Tower he walked up and he was just as much a snack in person as he was over FaceTime. We sat on the edge of the sidewalk (6 feet apart), shared some Oreos, and cracked open a few hard seltzers.

He was very talkative which I appreciated however, it was very one sided. I learned his entire work history including all schooling meanwhile I don’t think he even knew what I did for work let alone where.

His dad ended up calling which at first didn’t bother me. Shit happens and it had to do with tax stuff so whatever. Then his dad called again and he took it…again. Then while we were talking he was on his phone looking for flight jobs. K. I get work in that industry is tough because of Corona. I really do. But, all I am asking for is a few hours of your time. Just be present.

He had shit to do so we called it a day after a few hours and he walked me to my car. Tbh, I wasn’t too sure how he felt about me at that point. He tapped my arm a few times when we were sitting near each other but given that we had to keep space, there was no solid way to gauge.

When we got to the car, we hugged for a long time. He smelled amazing and he gave the hug the right amount of pressure. Maybe things were better than I thought. I braced myself for the kiss but it didn’t happen. When we let go we did the awkward, “We should do this again” and I jumped in my car.

We continued to text afterwards but ultimately it never went anywhere. I pulled a hail mary and let him know the next time I’d be in NJ but I never heard from him again.

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Encounter #63.1: Esquire

App: Tinder

Name: Ron*

Date Location: A field

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

When you’re quarantining in your parents’ house there are only a handful of things you can do:

  • Tell yourself that you’re going to workout but really watch 12 hours of RuPaul’s Drag Race
  • Buy expensive clothing you can’t wear because you’ll die if you go outside
  • Eat the strangest assortment of snacks
  • Masturbate
  • Swipe through dating apps

I leaned into all these things but I really leaned into that last one. If I was going to be locked in, I was going to have fun.

Ron slid into my messages and I was impressed. Funny, smart, and didn’t ask me for nudes. Truly a unicorn.

He was a top prosecutor in one of the counties near where I grew up, lived in my hometown, had a dog AND a condo, and overall just had his shit together. He was in the National Guard and per Google, won all these awards for being a good person or some shit. (Also per my creeping, he knew my zombie EMT).

He originally asked me to come to his place for take out. Although it was quarantine and we were limited in options, that felt a bit much so we compromised and met up at a field within his condo complex.

When I saw Ron for the first time I was a bit disappointed. I had creeped him. HARD. He photographed way better than he looked in person. Not bad but, not quite what I was looking for.

In the walk from his condo to the field, I became skeptical of how it was going to go. The quick banter we had over text suddenly turned into me sounding like an anxious chihuahua barking at a brick wall. So many awkward silences and nothing much in return.

We hung out for awhile. It was beautiful out and it had been a long time since I had interacted with someone under the age of 60. That said, I felt like I was both carrying the team and embarrassing myself at the same time. Because of the silences, I felt like I had to be more “on” to make up for it and I felt so fucking awkward.

I really had to pee so he let me into his condo. Not bad. Definitely had potential but needed a woman’s touch. Like there was decor but also nothing looked finished. We awkwardly hugged and then as I walked to the stairs to get to street level, he offered to walk me out. Weird. Pretty sure I made an ass of myself but I’ll take it.

We were both so awkward that I am not entirely sure if his intention was to kiss me or not, but I swerved it real hard. Went directly to the right shoulder and made it a hug. No kissing if you’re unsure in Coronatime.

We went our separate ways and never spoke again.

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Encounter #62.1: Lake Lovin

App: The League

Name: Ian*

Date Location: Lake access point – Laconia, NH

Location Review:  N/A

Date Duration: 1.5 hours

What Happened:

What initially drew me to Ian was that he was also from New Hampshire. Throughout all my time in NJ/NYC I had only matched with one other guy from NH and it didn’t go anywhere. I was getting really done with NYC guys and I was craving a piece of home.

He also picked up on the NH connection and we exchanged numbers pretty quickly. Only thing was that Coronavirus had just become a thing so that was a buzz kill. However, we were both quarantining in NH.

For the first few weeks of quarantine, we would text over the weekend to try to hang out but it would never work out and then we’d just repeat the cycle the next week. After completing our 2-week quarantines and having schedules that matched, we made moves to hang out.

He lived up by the lake region and his parents’ house was only a block from the water. He sent me the GooglePin and I drove up to the access point.

On paper, this seemed like a good idea. We were outside, the lake looked beautiful and we had both packed alcohol. Problem was it was windy AF and kind of cloudy so it was fucking freezing.

Ian was a smart one and packed a blanket so we sat next to each other huddled up underneath. We chatted for a bit and it was fine. He worked in real estate and was raking in mad money. So much that he was not eligible for the $1200 stimulus check, could shell out $3000+ on rent, and flew everywhere. For real, this kid went international on like 7 bachelor parties in the past year and said he dropped at least $3000 every trip. Meanwhile, I eat food that has been in my fridge a questionable amount of time just to avoid buying something.

Ian didn’t have much to say. The only noteworthy thing was his worst date. Basically he met up with this girl and the texting was great but she didn’t deliver in person. She also ordered the most expensive things on the menu. What got him though was that he looked down at her leg and apparently her calves were hairless but her thighs had thick, dark hair and that was what did it for him. Weird. Overall, he was nice enough but there were so many long pauses. I didn’t feel like I was carrying the team but, I did feel that I was too out there for him.

After about an hour I really had to pee and we realized there was no bathroom. As much as I don’t think Ian would have cared if I peed in the woods, it was just too damn windy to risk it. He walked me back up to my car and I was very surprised that he went in for the kiss. Pretty sure I owe that to him not seeing a girl in weeks but fuck it, I needed it too. It was quick but wasn’t bad. Given everything going on we couldn’t really make out.

I sped to a supermarket and had the most religious piss of my life. Like wow. What dreams are made of. What a time.

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