Encounter #75.2: Shmeh

App: Bumble

Name: Marty*

Date Location:  Pipe Dream Brewing & Mel’s Funway Park – Londonderry & Litchfield, NH

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – It’s decent. I like tacky ass theme golf so Mel’s doesn’t quite deliver on that but still a solid mini course.

4.0 Stars – Good vibes. Good beer.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Marty and I had a decent enough time when we went out the first time so even though I wasn’t 100% sold and into him, figured it was worth giving him another shot. He was golfing in my area of the state so we decided to get a few beers when he wrapped.

I wish I had more for you but really it was just meh. We kinda just covered the same things we talked about during our first date. We were talking trash about each other’s golf games though and he brought up going to Mel’s for some mini golf.

Game was fine. We kept dicking around and things got slightly more flirtatious but nothing too exciting. He touched my lower back and that’s about it.

When we left he did make a comment that our dates were getting expensive and it was like $60 every time we went out. Here’s the thing. I really don’t care how much money a guy has. BUT if you can’t afford to do something, don’t ask me to do it with you. We didn’t have to go golfing. We didn’t even have to get beers. We could have grabbed coffee and gone for a walk. That one is on you Marty.

Later that night he asked me if I’d come over and watch a movie. Declined that invite. In the following days sent the text saying “You’re great but not for me” and he felt the same. We never spoke again.

Encounter #71.1: Guns Blazing

App: Bumble

Name: Ryker*

Date Location: Tiki Rock – Boston, MA

Location Review:  5 Stars – For being a theme bar, this place is pretty damn good. Drinks packed a punch and food was tasty.

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

Going in to this date, I was excited. Conversation with Ryker was easy on both the app and text. Also his resume going in was pretty impressive. He was a Master Electrician (hello 6-figure salary and ability to fix shit), owned his own home, had a Burmese Mountain Dog, and was just down for fucking anything. Like really, he suggested a ton of shit for our first date and it was all super fun stuff. Also, he made me a quick playlist and his taste perfectly aligned with mine. Life was good.

He suggested going down to Boston and offered to pick me up and drive me down. Although I appreciated the sentiment, I didn’t want to get murdered. We decided to park in East Boston and then meet take the T to the bar.

This is not a huge deal for me. I take public transit all the time. It was though for him. He revealed in the first 10 minutes of meeting that not only has he never been on a plane, he has never taken public transit. This is weird AF to me. You may be thinking, “But Laura, what if he’s from bum fuck nowhere?” He wasn’t. This kid grew up 20 minutes north of Boston. Super weird. He also went on to say that he grew up extremely sheltered and then kept skirting questions about his family. Interesting.

We got to the bar and he insisted on us actually eating which was super refreshing. I got wined and dined. Drinks, apps, entree, whole thing. Over dinner, the red flags began to pop up. He told me about his job and may have included too many stories about him cussing out his employees. Then there were stories of him telling his friends to fuck off. Kayyyyyy.

I forget what we were talking about but he said, “I don’t like rules. That’s why when Biden got elected I went out and bought a bunch of guns so he couldn’t take them away.”…HOKAY. Lots to unpack here. I get that not everyone agrees with my views on this but, I am not a gun person in general but I know that some people are and that’s fine. However, buying a gun because Joe Biden is going to take it from you is just not a reason I can entertain.

I said something to the effect of, “Ohhh okay. Just so you know I’m liberal AF”. To which he replied, “I’m sorry. This is why I don’t like talking politics. I don’t want to do anything to lose you.” Oh this just got 50 shades weirder. Honey, you don’t even remotely have me. Slow your roll. We’re 40 minutes into our first date.

At this point in time, the City of Boston had a policy that you could only stay at a restaurant table for a maximum of 90 minutes. So please keep in mind at this point in time, I had downed easily 4-5 in under 2 hours.

We left the restaurant and since we were so close to the waterfront decided to walk over and chill on a bench. In the 2-block walk over, several things happened.

  1. He held my hand.
  2. He licked my hand
  3. He said, “Shit. Now you’re going to go home and tell your friends that some guy licked your hand”
  4. I thought to myself, “I am definitely going to go home and tell my friends a guy licked my hand”
  5. We were talking about ventriloquism and how not even an ex I dated over a year had seen the tapes. He then asked how big his dick was. Not sure how those two items were correlated, but it happened.

At this point, I was so happy I was drunk because I have no idea wtf I would have done sober. I imagine the date would have ended much sooner.

We made it to a bench and he thought it was a good idea to lay on me. Just no. We were talking about my job search and moving plans and I said that I wanted to move to Boston. He then asked if he’d have to sell his house. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, RYKER. SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL PROBLEM. Also, I DON’T KNOW YOU.

He kept pressing me on why I wanted to move back and I explained that someone close to me had been raped and I was needed back in the northeast. He then asked if she was drinking when it happened. Excuse me? Then he asked if I had been raped. Double excuse me? On what fucking planet is that an appropriate question to ask? To top it off during this period of time, he kept going on and on about how he wanted to find his forever person and get married. I imagine if you stopped asking women if they’ve been raped and licking their hands, your odds would be much better. But I digress.

We sobered up and got back on the train to get to our cars. Now I don’t know what fucking possessed me but, since it was clear he hadn’t seen shit in his life we walked a little bit in East Boston since you get the best view of the Boston skyline. Once again, he started asking me highly personal questions this time about my last relationship. I mentioned that it was really hard for me because as an anxious person who really needs physical touch, it sucked that my ex never wanted that type of affection which would just make my anxiety worse. Ryker went, “Really? I don’t see that from you. You seem to hate being touched.” Nope. Just by you, my dude.

At this point I figured since he had asked me so many personal questions, it was my turn to prod for funnies. I asked what happened in his last relationship and he really didn’t want to answer. I pushed again. “Well, aren’t I just going to find out eventually?” Check mate.

He started by saying that he really doesn’t like telling women this because then they don’t want to talk to him anymore. Off to a great start. From what I gathered, it seemed like the relationship he had with his ex was toxic in general. He said she would hit him and, “I would never put my hands on a woman but plates were broken.” Jury is out on that one but that paired with the cussing out of friends and employees was the nail in the coffin.

Whatever happened with this girl has bled into other relationships. He was dating someone else for a bit, the ex reached out to this girl to tell her about Ryker, and then that girl broke it off with him. He made a point to say he wouldn’t tell me the ex’s name because once that comes out these things start happening. Feeling V SAFE, rn.

He walked me back to my car and we hugged good bye. By the time I got home I got the text asking how he did and if I wanted to see him again. I felt bad. On paper, the resume was there, the guy clearly wanted to meet that special someone, and he was willing to do anything to get that. But it was a no from me. Nagasaki’ed.