Encounter #31.4: Above Average

App: Hinge

Name: Jared*

Date Location: Greek Taverna, The Crosby, Vanillamore – Montclair, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – So. Damn. Good. Awesome chicken!

4.0 Stars – Definitely a little snooty but has a trendy atmosphere and bomb ass duck fat fries

3.0 Stars – Actual food is nothing to ride home about but the dessert menu is super creative

Date Duration: 72 hours

What Happened:

After being away from each other for a week, sexting, and sending adorable ass text messages—

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(Like really? HOW IS SOMEONE SO FUCKING SWEET?)

This was it. This was our weekend to fuck. I had shaved. Cute underwear was on. Condoms were packed. It was game time.

That said, there may have been a kink in the plan. I was going over Thursday night and my period was supposed to start at literally any moment that day. I did the right thing and let him know what was going on and he, per usual, was adorable AF.

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I knew there was a chance but I was determined to beat it. I flooded my system with Advil, chugged water, and read every Wikihow on how to stop a period. I was ready.

Thursday night we went to a Greek spot for dinner and once again pissed the shit out of the waitstaff because we wouldn’t shut the fuck up. I had also asked him if he would come away with me to Ocean City, MD the following week. Plans with a friend fell through and I still had the room booked. He agreed.

When we got home, it was on. Thing was we both really wanted to go above and beyond for the other person so things didn’t quite work as well as we wanted. But, it would all be fine because I was going to fuck him while he was on a conference call for work the next morning to make up for it.

Friday morning I woke up with the pain. That pain every woman knows all too well. I ran into the bathroom and it was true. I had gotten my period. BAD. Like murder scene. I went into my bag. Among the two vibrators, spare bra, Soft Discs, and umbrella—all I had was one tampon. ONE. Shit.

Before the panic truly set in, we made breakfast. Jared had no idea what I liked to eat so he picked up a bunch of stuff the day before. He even got chocolate chips for pancakes since he thought I’d want them if I was on my period. We spent the day snuggled up on the couch and I watched Netflix while he did actual work.

Around dinner time it started to hit just how poorly I packed. One tampon was not going to last me until Sunday and I needed to save the Soft Discs for sex. We were going out anyways to pick up some things for dinner and there was a CVS next to the Trader Joe’s. Perfect. Should be fine.

As we walked through Trader Joe’s I felt my thighs sort of stick together. I attributed it to the humidity. Then I squatted down to grab a spice bottle and THERE SHE BLOWS. I felt the splooge of blood and began to panic since time was limited. I tried playing it cool when we got to CVS but as I got out of the car I pulled my skirt up a tad and saw the damage. There was a full Rorschach painting of blood happening down my thighs.

Despite this disaster, Jared was cool with it. He said he was just happy to spend time with me. We cooked dinner together and danced around his kitchen. While he was cleaning up, I went back into the kitchen and laid on the floor with my legs on the wall to stretch my hamstrings. He joined me on the floor and we just laid there, enjoying each other’s company.

We both wanted to fuck and after working out some mechanics it was decided that I would attempt the Soft Disc and we’d hit the shower. Things went better this time. We got our heads out of our asses and just had a fun time. His shower was pretty big which definitely made things easier. Shower sex is a tough one to make work but there were plenty of ledges and enough wall space to get it done. (I also may have farted upon exiting the shower. All mystery was lost.)

Saturday morning we cracked into the chocolate chips and made some pancakes before cuddling up and watching the original Jurassic Park. Pretty much we spent the day curled up on the couch and eventually decided it would be a good idea to see the outside world.

As I was doing my make up, Jared came into the bedroom and put a glass of white wine next to me. Then, as I was finishing up he started putting music on that he knew I liked. I have a weird love of John Denver and as it turns out, he is also a fan. He put Country Roads on and we slow danced in his living room.

After our dance break involving me teaching him the Beat It dance, we headed out to the bar. A few glasses of wine in he says,

“You know I’ve been seeing this girl and she asked me to go to Ocean City with her. Like it’s her favorite place in the world. What does this all mean?”

It means whatever you want it to mean. I think she just wants to spend time with you and enjoy things as they come. She may also want it to be exclusive but isn’t ready to label anything.

“Exclusive? I could do that. I just got out of a relationship and I’m not ready to jump into anything.”

That was it. We spent the rest of the night walking around downtown Montclair, trying ice cream, laughing, and opening up to each other.

Somehow the time flew and it was already Sunday. We ordered in breakfast and finished watching Jurassic Park. At one point a pillow fell off the couch and knocked over a glass of water. We cleaned it up and while we were on the floor started making out and made moves to fuck.

Jared knew his way around. I went into the bathroom to pop in the Soft Disc and when I got into his room there were ties, cuffs, and vibrators out. LETS. GO.

I had never fucked a guy while using a vibrator. Holy shit. Everyone go online and order a bullet style vibe and fuck your partner. Unreal.

After fucking for about 2 hours, we went out to the park and got some snacks before I drove back home. I knew I was going to see him 4 days later but, I didn’t want to leave. I was so happy. It had been a long time since I felt like I was a part of something mutual. There was no grey area on if we were interested in each other seriously or not and that was so relieving.

With that, we got ready for a (period-free) beach weekend.

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Encounter #31.2: Above Average

App: Hinge

Name: Jared*

Date Location: Onieal’s – Hoboken, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Good ass apps, decent wine selection, next to a dog park.

Date Duration: 12 hours

What Happened:

After our first date, I was super excited to see Jared again. Not only did he text me the night of saying how much fun he had but, he threw in that he couldn’t stop thinking about that night, had so much fun, and was looking forward to the next time we’d meet up.

Since I had a long drive back to NJ that day, we decided to stay by my area. Normally, I would have met him in Hoboken but 1. I didn’t know where to have him park down there and 2. I felt comfortable enough having him park at my apartment and then Uber over with me.

When we met outside my building, he gave me such a long and tight hug and I could feel his smile press into the top of my head. We Ubered over to the bar and once again, did not shut the fuck up.

Over text it came out that Jared’s mom was a medium. This blew my goddamn mind. I love mediums. A lot. There is a video in the depths on the internet of me sobbing uncontrollably while my grandmother came through via medium. It’s a big fucking deal and this kid’s mom happened to be one. (He did make a point to say that she doesn’t read her children or people close to her children. Booooo.) I also found out that he was half Jewish. My life aspiration at age 12? Be a Jew.

There was one moment though that was fucking hysterical. He asked me about ventriloquism and my puppet. I moved to grab my phone to pull up a picture of it and he said, “Oh don’t worry about it, I saw it on your profile.” I made a face. “No the photo. It’s on your Hinge profile.” It wasn’t. He creeped my ass HARD. Like scroll on Instagram until there aren’t any more photos hard. He was mortified. He also let it slip that he told his mom about me and may have sent her a photo. That was weird.

Despite his creepy ass, he still managed to surprise me with how genuine he was. He told me his best friend knew we were out and she asked him how it was going. He showed me the text and it read, “She’s awesome.”

We wrapped up at the bar, walked over to the dog park to pet some pooches, and headed out to one of the piers in Hoboken to see the NYC skyline. I loved how Jared touched me. It felt so fucking genuine. While we were looking out, he stood behind me with his arms tightly around my body. For whatever reason it just felt comfortable.

We kissed and eventually decided to move to the grass since making out where everyone takes pictures isn’t necessarily the best idea. Then we just had one of those conversations that lasts for hours. We covered our past relationships, the fact that we were blown away by the other person, and anything else under the sun.

At one point, I had my legs across his and the top of my dress wasn’t doing a great job of staying up. Jared said, “It’s not that your chest is out. I love how comfortable you are here and that it looks like you just don’t care.” …then we aggressively made out in the grass.

He also showed me some of the texts he had sent his friend about me. Jared had it BAD for me and it was clear his friend was also into this idea of me. He read some aloud to me but I looked down at his phone. He said things like, “I can’t stop thinking about her…I’ll be thinking about her all day”. Then he gave info for the friend to creep me and she said things like, “She’s so cute…She looks so radiant in her competition photos…I’m going to steal her from you…I can’t wait for her to meet everyone.” No. Pressure.

At this point it was almost 1am and I asked him if he would like to continue what we were doing back at my place if he was cool with not fucking. (I have learned my lesson. Second date fucks just don’t work out for me). He agreed and within 2 minutes of being in my apartment, I had him on the bed ripping off each other’s clothes. Once again Jared was cute and said, “If I had known this was going to happen tonight I would have worn my nice underwear.” Dead.

Although we didn’t fuck that night, we covered some decent ground. Jared had some strong oral skills to start but then when he asked the most lovely question a man can ask, “Will you sit on my face?” His oral game got that much stronger.

We moved to the shower and he admitted that he had never just taken a shower with someone before. He had only ever showered with someone to fuck and the whole time he kept going on about how great it was to enjoy another person’s body in that way.

When we dried off and got snuggled up in bed (at 3am) he apologized for asking me to come back with him on our first date. I personally didn’t care but he didn’t want it to create a negative memory on such a great night. WHY WAS HE SO NICE? We spent the remaining two hours curled up together between him sucking on my neck and continuing to eat me out.

He texted me the next day and said that he couldn’t wait to see me for our next date. I was excited too. But also scared. For two years I said I wanted to be in a relationship again and when I decided to give up on that this fucker came into my life. I was staring everything I could have wanted in the face and it was petrifying. Then I remembered all the advice I received over the past few years. Accept and enjoy it for what it is and take everything one step at a time. With that in mind, we set the third date.

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Encounter #31.1: Above Average

App: Hinge

Name: Jared*

Date Location: Salute Brick Oven Bistro – Montclair, NJ

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – Although the menu is essentially all in Italian, the food is BOMB and it’s BYOB so you can get as drunk as you want for as little as you want.

Date Duration: 7 hours

What Happened:

I had kept the same Hinge profile since I got the app. My photos had not changed too much and I liked my answers to some of their conversation starters. Over the course of 8 months I started to notice patterns on what people would “Like” to open the conversation with me. 2 photos in particular get more play but there’s a video of a comedy performance I have that rarely gets noticed. This is what Jared “Liked” to start the conversation.

The conversation just worked with him and in less than a day we exchanged numbers. We texted up the ass and I just didn’t care because he was so fucking funny and we had the same sense of humor. HOW.

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I also drunk texted him. A lot. The first weekend we were texting, I was in DC visiting a friend. I won’t lie, I normally go pretty hard when I go out. DC was another form. It had been several months since I had blacked out and I did not remember ANY of what I said to Jared.

He apparently thought it was cute and then let me drunk text him again when I went home for July 4th. ..and again when I went to party on the 5th. (I drink a lot during the summer. COME AT ME)

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For the first time, in a long time, I was fully excited to meet someone. I knew the basics of who he was but even over text he could make me smile.

He lived near Montclair (a VERY bougie place in NJ) so I met him over there for dinner. As I was staring and waving at a dog that walked by, Jared appeared. He was a lanky lanky white boy. But he had the biggest smile. Alright, I can and have done worse.

I was so excited that he brought white wine. I don’t know if it was chance or that he remembered I liked it but it worked in his favor. Right off the bat, we got along. It took us over a half hour to order food because we just wouldn’t shut the fuck up. (The food was BOMB btw. Got those meatballs with the fontina cheese in it and some kind of breaded chicken with rosemary. So good!)

We also killed the bottle of wine pretty quickly. OOPS. (By we I mean me. Damage was done.) When we finished at the restaurant he asked if I wanted to see the rest of downtown Montclair. On the way, we passed a bar that my co-worker recommended and we stopped in front of it. He was talking all about it and showing me the fun things and I felt him touch me a little more. Nothing crazy. Just a hand briefly on my back or my arm. So I thought to myself, FUCK IT IMMA TOUCH HIM. So I touched his arm and leaned into him a bit. Then we kissed. (In front of an abandoned church and garbage can.) Then it turned into a light make out and when we stopped and looked at each other, he had the dorkiest smile on his face. It was adorable.

He took my hand and we walked around a little bit (may have made out on another street corner) and we finally decided that standing on a corner and talking was kind of awk. We sat on a half wall and kept talking and making out for the next 2 hours.

During this time, he told me how nervous he was to meet me. So nervous that he went to Kohl’s on his lunch break to get a new outfit for the date. He also said that for the first time since high school, he had butterflies. SO. SWEET. To top it off, when we started talking, he had a few other conversations with girls going but he stopped answering because I was the only one he really wanted to talk to.

Around 10-something he walked me to my car where we made out slammed up against the trunk of my hatchback. For 2 hours. During this time, there was a tiny Asian lady in her car 2 spots from mine and we had no idea she was there until she pulled out of the garage. OOPS. We were going at it pretty hard to the point I had several hickeys on my neck and he indirectly asked me to come back to his place. I declined, but we continued on making out like teenagers.

I drove him back to where he parked and we made out for the entire Shawn Mendes album. My brother was staying at my apartment so things were cut short when he decided to call me at 1am and see if I was dead. THANKS BRO.

I drove home so happy for once. As a general life note, during this time I had been having some trouble with my physical and mental health. I was tired of being miserable so I joined a gym by my work and signed up for talkspace. (If you are in a bind at all because of insurance, cost, time, etc. I really encourage you to check out talkspace. It’s super easy to use and they work quickly to find you a therapist.) When this self care started I told myself that unless I already had a conversation going, I wouldn’t pursue anything. At the time, the only person I was speaking to was Jared and he completely surpassed any and all expectations. Date #2 was underway.

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Situation #8.1: The Coworker

Name: Elijah*

Date Location: Miriam Restaurant Brooklyn Museum

Location Review: 3.0 Stars – Super crowded for brunch. His food wasn’t too flavorful or anything to ride home about but I loved my bacon, egg, and cheese on a croissant.

5.0 Stars – Super affordable, not one of those museums where you feel like a privileged asshole, nice exhibits

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

Elijah and I were former coworkers with a slight history. Nothing ever happened between us because I had a boyfriend at the time and our company was not one for coworkers to date. That said, I had always felt like there was something between us. Even if it was small. There’s no particular instance to reference but I remember him caring more than he should have about me. He would text me almost daily, we would eat dinner together fairly regularly, had deep conversations, and I did go up to his apartment once to cook him some of my family’s food. (Granted I got weirded out and made some of my other coworkers come over as a buffer.) It all sounds like regular friend stuff but there was something different about the way he would go about it.

He was a really attractive guy and I would joke all the time to my friends about him. “Ohh you know if I was single I’d hit that…“, “UGH. Elijah is so hot…”, “He can get it!” By the time we both left our positions I had moved back to NH to be with my then boyfriend and he moved abroad.

Once in awhile he would slide into my DMs. We would chat a little but no major conversations were had. Then, he let me know that he was coming to NYC and wanted to catch up. OH HOT DAMN. We compared schedules and the day was set.

Going in I had no idea what to expect. Not only was I hung over as shit to the point that life felt like an out of body experience, I looked like a one night stand with my hair from the night before, and I had limited contact with him for the past 3 years. WAS THIS A DATE OR JUST FRIENDS? FUCKKKK.

Elijah strolled up while I was sitting on a curb trying not to puke my brains out. He looked hot AF. We hugged and took our seats for brunch. Since I was trying not to puke I basically was company for Elijah while he ate. We caught up on life and I really had no idea where the day was going to go. At one point he looked up, smiled at me, said “I’m really happy I got to see you”, and touched my leg. A bug was flying close by so I wasn’t sure how to gauge that leg thing. But shit. That smile. DAYUM.

It was such a beautiful day that we met my friend for a walk in the park. She dropped us off at the Brooklyn Museum and we worked our way through the exhibits (and a lot of vagina art).

At one point he made a comment of, “Oh I know what you’ve been up to. I won’t lie. I kind of stalk you on Instagram.” OKAY ELIJAH. We took a few selfies and I felt as if his body was closer to me than normal. But then again he was about 80 feet tall so he probably had to be that close since I was so short. Every time we approached a door, he opened it and guided me through ahead of him with his hand on the small of my back. Then later on he was taking photos but since we had a Facebook chat going my profile picture was pulled as an icon on the side of the screen. He said something along the lines of, “Now every time I take a picture I get to look at your sexy legs.” Maybe this was a date?

We went through a few of the exhibits and high fived. Then instead of letting my hand drop by my side, he held it. OH. SHIT. I WAS ON A DATE. My stomach had butterflies and everything. While staring at an old tv he came up behind me, rested his chin on my shoulder, pressed his face into my neck, and I felt his entire body envelope me. It sounds ridiculous, but it had been awhile since I was touched in such an affectionate way. In a way that didn’t feel transactional or as a step to something else and was so genuine. I was so happy.

We left the museum holding hands and we walked to a park nearby. He had his arm around me on the bench while I ate my sandwich left over from brunch then we just sat there chatting and taking in everything. I had forgotten just how kind and smart he was.

His brother was in Bryant Park and it was about time I dragged my ass back to NJ so we took the train back to Manhattan together. On the way to the train station, we had our arms around each other as we walked and when he would lean in to look at the photos I took on the way he would stand close with his hand on my back. On the train it continued. We were both holding onto the overhead bars and he pulled me into him before holding my hand again.

We reached our station where we both had change overs. We hugged and the whole time I wondered if he was going to do it. Would we finally kiss? After 5 years of tension, HE FUCKING DID IT. ELIJAH KISSED ME. And oh my goodness it was good. So soft. Right amount of suction. Just enough tongue. Then we went our separate ways.

I knew it would never work between us. He lived abroad, I don’t do long distance, and it was just one day. But it restored my hope in humanity. For so long I had questioned if my standards were too high, I was being too picky, these guys I had been going out with were fine, and I was just looking for a problem. I was so sick of being treated like an after thought and here Elijah was genuinely making me feel like I was the only person who mattered in that moment. I needed to know that still existed and I don’t think he’ll ever know just how much I needed that day with him.

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Encounter #21.1: Brooklyn Babe

App: Hinge

Name: Khalil*

Date Location: Tommy’s Family Restaurant and The Hutton

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – Truthfully, I am probably selling this spot short. I was on a diet that week so couldn’t eat too much. That being said, the omelette was good and the hashbrowns had onions in them which was nice.

4.0 Stars– The place is in the most random spot but brings in a good crowd. I only drank beer that night but they had some interesting cocktails on the menu which could be worth trying.

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

I had not been this excited for a date in a long time. Khalil was the real deal. Worked in computer science, tall, ridiculously handsome, athletic, smart, well travelled, voted democrat, and was from Canada. Since we met on Hinge, I had his last name and may or may not have creeped the shit out of him. Everything was confirmed, he was cool AF (and previously dated a white girl with a similar build to myself). LAURA DON’T FUCK THIS UP.

We were texting and the topic of NJ diners came up since it’s the diner capital of the world. We started joking about how we would have our first date at a diner and then both decided this was the best idea. Khalil picked a spot 10 minutes from me in NJ and we were ready to rock. No lie, going in I had no idea what to expect. This guy willingly offered to come to NJ so that bodes pretty well but my luck was stacked against me.

He beat me to the restaurant and as I walked up to him I was happy to see he looked exactly like his photos. Holy shit. Babe status. He was an interesting guy. Family was from Ghana, he grew up in Toronto, family moved to Alabama, he lived in Charlotte for a bit, and decided to pick up and move to NYC. Clearly much more well traveled than me.

The weekend prior he was in Boston for a conference (where he got to see Obama speak) and I recommended a place for bomb ass hot cocoa. Well he went and brought me back a chocolate bar. WHAT. OKAY. SO NICE.

The diner was ever so obviously trying to get us to leave so we headed out for another bar in Jersey City. There was an accordion player playing “Sorry Miss Jackson”. I was sold. (And I now have his business card so if you have accordion needs I would highly recommend).

The beer flowed and we just kept chatting away and for once, I wasn’t hammered. (2018 is about to be my year guys). As we were talking, I noticed he kept leaning in across the table but I wasn’t sure if it was that he was into me or that it was loud AF. I ignored it and kept laughing too loud.

We shut the bar down, it was nearly midnight on a Thursday, so it was time for us to head home. We shared a Lyft to the train station near my apartment so he could head to NY and I could walk a few blocks home. Within a few minutes he had his arm around me, was holding my hand, put his hand in my hair, and then we looked at each other. And fam, we kissed. And it was great. His lips were so fucking soft and despite being in the backseat of a car was executed really well. So of course we started making out a shit ton.

In an effort to save my Lyft rating, we cut the shit out. He said that he had been wanting to do that all night but thought it would be frowned upon to jump across the table. I then said he made me nervous because he was so ridiculously good looking. His response? “Okay, but have you looked at yourself?” OH. DAMN. I also thanked him for coming to NJ. No one ever wants to and I really appreciated it. Khalil whipped out, “Well I had a feeling you’d be worth it.” SWOON.

We got to the PATH and I walked him to the escalators. We made out in the middle of the plaza in the freezing rain. He asked if we could move under an overhang so we went in front of Duane Reade and made out more. One hand was on my back while the other was tangled in my hair. So. Good. Between kisses he asked what I was doing that weekend which I wasn’t expecting. THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

…we hung out the next night.

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Encounter #17.1: Hollywood

App: Hinge

Name: Todd*

Date Location: Mustang Harry’s & Bar 13

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Awesome apps, kick ass happy hour, most delightful owner

2.5 Stars – Thank god the lights were off because it’s literally someone’s basement. Don’t blacklight anything. FIRE playlist though

Date Duration: 4 hours

What Happened:

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Oh hey, Luke Perry

I’m just going to say it. I “Liked” Todd because he looked like the guy from 90210 and I wanted to see just how much he looked like him. That was our starting point.

Leading up, we really didn’t talk. Actually the night of our original chat ended when he said he needed to do stuff for work so I should just shoot him a message when I got back from my weekend trip. Ballsy.

In my inifinite wisdom I took it like a challenge and honestly, I was kinda impressed. Instead of ghosting he just said he was busy and wouldn’t answer. (The fact this was my barometer for a decent guy says a lot).

Within only a few messages he asked me out for drinks and had me pick the bar. After a previously unsuccessful trip at Mustang Harry’s, I wanted to try it out.

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He can teach me any time

I met him at a table which was unexpected but welcome because that meant a solid possibility of food. Todd was a really good time. No lags in conversation, kept telling me I was pretty and how great I was, and he seemed to have his shit together. To top it off, he had a decent job in construction management, was Italian, loved Pitbull, lived alone, was also getting into country music, wanted to do touristy NY shit, had a close family, grew up in NY, and looked like Will Schuester in the right light (surprisingly not like Luke Perry as an FYI).

We were having such good conversation and the topic of bachata came up. He had no idea how to do it and I had always wanted to go. With no hesitation he pulled his phone out, asked if I wanted to go that night, and found a spot. Holy. Shit.

We had time to kill before the club opened so we stayed at the first bar for awhile. Out of nowhere the manager came up to us, started talking, and we got free drinks. It was at this point I realized that I was more sober than Todd. I had only 2 beers and maybe half of my next drink. He had 2 shots, 2 beers, 1 mixed drink, and he finished mine. This is after he said he didn’t drink heavily that often. Oh Todd, you were hanging out with Laura. You will be drunk.

After we finished our last round we moved to the Latin club to get our bachata on. Everything was pretty good until we got to the club. I will be the first to say that I have no patience for other people especially when it comes to dumb questions. The club had a sign hanging from the awning that had the business name. When we got there the bouncer explained that downstairs was the Latin spot and upstairs was hip hop. Todd pointed to the sign and said “What’s this then?” It annoyed me so much for no reason. Then I realized it wasn’t the question that bothered me in this case. It was how he said it. He sounded exactly like my ex. Then as I thought about it, he had other similar tendencies which reminded me of the ex. The way he talked to the manager, how he talked about me, the other questions he asked. I couldn’t unsee it and I was incredibly annoyed on the inside.

But we were at the club and I couldn’t dip from just being “annoyed”. We ultimately headed to the hip hop club and entered a room which should never have the lights turned on let alone have a blacklight on it. No joke, it looked like a high school kid’s dream basement.

Since Todd reminded me of my ex I needed beer. STAT. So I downed 2 Coronas and somehow convinced him to also down 2 despite him already being quite drunk. Ohhh well.

We took on the dance floor and by took on I mean I was breaking shit down while he kinda stood there doing a slight straight-guy-shuffle. Every now and there I’d check in on him and we started getting pretty touchy. But not in a gross way. Actually, he was really sweet. He would pull me in, have his hand on my lower back, pull me close to talk, and keep his arm behind me as we stood at the bar. It may not seem like anything noteworthy, but it had been awhile since someone touched me in such a tender and respectful way. (Once again, these standards say a lot).

It had been a long day, Todd was sloshed, so it was time to head out. When we reached the corner to part ways, we kissed (in front of a food cart with the guy staring right at us).

We texted a few times over the weekend but when it came to setting another date, our schedules just weren’t lining up. He had to work late all week and I was heading home to see my sister that weekend. Throughout that entire time span, not one text from him. And really, I had no complaints about it. We shared a fantastic night but once again I wasn’t 100% down, I didn’t want to string him along, and I didn’t want to have another awkward fuck.

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Encounter #12.1: A Hanukah Miracle

App: Bumble

Name: Pete*

Date Location: Rock & Reilly’s

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Cool spot, especially would be awesome in the summer. There’s a patio with tons of benches and the playlist is fire. That being said, if they put some outdoor heaters out they could get decent business in the winter.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Truth be told, at this point in time I was starting to be done with the whole dating thing. I had gone on several first dates, had plenty of awkward situations, and was swiping away with no luck. There are only so many times I can match with a guy, meet him, and he looks nothing like his pictures.

One night, I was swiping through and I saw a decently attractive guy. Definitely not my type and he looked like he’d be a toss up on if he looked better/worse in person. Fuck it. My strategies hadn’t been working. Let’s swipe right and see. We matched pretty quickly and started talking.

His opener was pretty solid, he was from Massachusetts, played music in his free time, had done work for non-profits, and seemed chill so we moved to texting. (Fucker had read receipts on. Fantastic).

While we were texting, I was also texting a friend from home. We were talking about Tinder and how to respond to the following gif:

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I then took it upon myself to try it out on an especially attractive guy on Tinder. It worked IMMEDIATELY. I went to tell her my success story and I done fucked up by texting Pete instead.

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HOW. After such a royal fuck up this guy wanted to go out with me? Either he would be everything I wanted or was bat shit crazy.

I rolled up to the bar and was pleasantly surprised that he was more attractive than his pictures. Shorter, but definitely cute. Hot damn.

Since everyone and their mother went out for post-holiday party drinks we moved to the patio outside. We were both from New England, could dress appropriately for the weather, it was fine.

We clicked pretty quickly. We went over the usual first date things, made each other laugh, talked mad shit to some Steelers fans, the whole thing. As we talked, we kept moving closer to each other on the bench. Pretty soon he was holding my hand, had an arm around me, and I had my leg on top of his.

He was telling me about how he loved music so much but could never teach and then out of nowhere went in for the kiss. BALLSY. I didn’t object so we made out a little. Then we stopped. He asked me a question and I had no idea what he was talking about since the make out was so solid. So we just made out harder.

He asked if I would come back to his place. I had to be at the bus station at 3 am later that night so I declined. He then offered to come to Jersey. FUCKKKK THIS NEVER HAPPENS. I wanted to say yes. I really did. But I also knew that my room was a disaster (mostly that my childhood stuffed animal was on top of my pillow and there was no way I’d be able to move it quickly and secretly). I instead went with, “Listen, I want to but I’m just not a first date fuck and I have a lot to do before I head out. Second date though. I can be swayed”. …so we made out more aggressively.

Between make out sessions it was made pretty clear that Pete was not over his ex and was kind of a player. They had broken up 3 months prior and he made a comment along the lines of, “I just found out she was dating so I figured it was time for me to start dating and try to get over her”. Very healthy. He didn’t tell me what happened between them, just that they did some shitty things. He also told me that he had talked to her earlier that day, still loved her, and they were about 18 months out from getting married at the time of the break up. WOWEE WOW WOW. He also brought up that before he was with his ex he dated every girl ever and recently had 3 dates with this other girl in NYC. I mean I’m not one to talk but, some things don’t have to be shared on the first date.

Despite this, I was into him. I apparently made him nervous because I was “so attractive, down to earth, and chill”. Plus I went down as his best first date/Bumble date ever. He clearly had some shit to work out (the guy pre-gamed the date since he was so nervous) but he was throwing himself at me. In addition to constantly kissing me, within 10 minutes he made some comment about how if this went well and I played it right there may be a Patriots play-off ticket in my future. DONT MIND IF I DO. Also, it had been awhile since your girl got down. She deserved a good fuck.

We got pretty aggressive with the make outs to the point he was laying on top of me and was working his way to more. But I could have sworn I heard a door click. He asked what was wrong and I told him that I was pretty sure someone was there. Pete brushed it off and we got back to business. And then we heard a, “Hey! You guys gotta stop. Management doesn’t like that. You gotta go. You shouldn’t even be out here!” Well that ended the date pretty quick.

He held my hand and walked me back to my train station. We kissed and I went on my way (and had the worst NYC commute of my life later that night). As this was right before Christmas break, we couldn’t meet up again that week. But, we texted the whole time in anticipation of date #2.

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Encounter #9.1: Wrong Page

App: Tinder

Name: Pharrell*

Date Location: Suite 36

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – Definitely a really cool spot to go to at night. Their happy hour was affordable, playlist was on point, and looks like it would be a hot club at night.

Date Duration: 2-3 hours

What Happened:

Pharrell and I had been texting for about a week before meeting up. He suggested we ask each other 21 questions, no repeats, 100% honesty. Gimmicky. But fine. I don’t have shit to hide. He was a really interesting guy. He played football through college, studied Economics/International Relations, from California, and had a really special relationship with his mom. Oh. He was also really fucking hot and looked like a buff Pharrell.

We met up and I was more than happy to see he looked like his photos. We kept with our theme of grilling each other. I found out that he worked at NBC and although I have no idea what exactly his job was, he gets to meet some cool people. THE BOY MET OPRAH. We also had almost exact views on religion and politics and had similar kinks so that was a new experience.

I had asked him, “What’s something I should know now that I’m going to find out later?”. And the other foot dropped. He had been in a relationship for 5 years and now that it was over, he was not interested in being in a relationship right now. Shit.

Crazy Laura heard, “He only says that because he hasn’t dated me yet”. Realistic Laura saw a repeat of the Connor situation where she falls for a guy who isn’t 100% into her but has amazing sex with.

Despite that, I really did have a wonderful time. For the first time in months I went on a date that didn’t make me uncomfortable AND I would have wanted a second date.

He walked me back to my train stop and said that he had a feeling he’d be in NJ by December 10th. I sassed him back. “Oh really. I don’t know, no one ever wants to come out to NJ.” He insisted he would and pinky promised. Shit’s serious.

However, when I texted him the next day with the “Hey, had a good time blah blah blah” text, I didn’t hear back. Maybe it’s for the best? On one hand, I want nothing more than to be with someone who makes me happy. I love that feeling when you just love the fucking shit out of another person and it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to do that. But that’s not what he wanted and it would be stupid to try to force it. That being said, I needed to get laid. Like yesterday and this was another set back.

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Situation #3.1: The Wedding Date

Name: David*

Location: Friend’s wedding in Maryland

What Happened:

When being invited to a wedding there are 2 strategies:

  1. Find a boy to go with you
  2. Take one of your girls so you can get some action

Went for Option 2 and brought my girl Katey. Before even heading to the wedding, Katey asked what my intentions for the wedding were. I said to make out with hot boys and dance my ass off. That mission was accomplished.

We get to the ceremony and I remember looking across the way and seeing a group of cute guys. Target acquired: just needed an opportunity to strike. During cocktail hour the stage was set. It started getting windy and I was helping someone clear a few tables in the corner. I started combining glasses of champagne and then I hear, “Oh, those aren’t going to waste are they?” I look up and there are the cute boys from earlier. I hand the glasses over, say to double fist, and we clinked glasses.

When the dance floor opened you know Katey and I headed on over. We were breaking that shit downnn. And then the boys came over. Out of the group, there were 2/3 really hot ones. Like 9s. Weddings are cool. They bring out the feels in everyone…as does copious amounts of beer.

One guy in particular, David, made his move. We danced and kept getting closer. It got to the point that the bride came up to me and said, “Those are some of my husband’s closest friends. They’re all great guys. Have fun tonight!” Oh, we did. Within a few songs we were making out, he was grabbing my ass, and kissing my neck.

We walked around holding hands and kept making out. However, something happened. I eat very clean normally. I didn’t that weekend. So while we were outside I let out the most ripe fart of my life. David turned to me and starts saying how it smells really bad outside and we should go in because it smells so bad. …I said nothing.

Despite my party foul we kept dancing, making out, and then the reception was wrapping up. Katey and I were going to head out for donuts and go home but David and his friend asked for a ride to the casino for the after party. It was on the way so we drove their drunk asses back. David found me on Facebook in the car and pointed out the fact that I look hot in my profile pic but it looks nothing like me in person. COOL.

Aside from that, I thought he was really cute and it’s not often I find a man who can keep up on the dance floor. So I messaged him, we talked for a day or so, and that was it. Well, until September.

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Encounter #2.3: Hat Guy

App: Tinder

Name: Dan*

Date Location: McSwiggan’s

Location Review: 4.5 Stars – If you want to watch a train wreck this is the spot. Trivia, beginner open mic comedy, cheap beer. What more can you want?

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

It was my turn to pick the spot and after doing some Google research (AKA typing in “comedy” and seeing what’s close to my train stop) I found McSwiggan’s. McSwiggan’s is a delightful little shit hole. In the back room they had open mic comedy. Now, I am no comedian but I am a performer. I understand it is difficult to get up there in front of people. …but I also know the importance of practice. Nearly every act turned to the Emcee to ask how much time they had left in their 4 minute sets and followed with an “Ohhhh fuck”. They may not have known it but that shit made it that much better. At one point Dan turned to me and said, “Oh my God. This is terrible. You fucking nailed it. This is everything I could have wanted and more” POINT FOR YOUR GIRL LAURA.

Anyways, after watching all the acts we went back to the bar and hung out before trivia started. But there was one thing Dan had to get out of the way. He says,

“You know there’s a lot of tension right now”

Really?”

“Yeah, it’s the third date and we still haven’t kissed yet. Just saying.”

You know whenever you’re ready sir. I’ll be there to support you.

“Fuck I just have to do this”

And then we made out at the bar to Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing“.

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It is at this moment I want to note that he actually really hates PDA and was bright red.

…then we made out more.

We spent the rest of the night basically sitting on top of each other as our trivia team, Slam Pigs, got its ass kicked.

He had to work the next day so we headed out holding hands. We got to the corner where I had to turn for my train and he said he wanted to keep walking with me but it was late and he had to work…but he really wanted to keep walking. We then made out again on the corner, he jumped into a cab, and I went on my way.

As a general note, I’m not a big texter when it comes to dating. I think that if you’re constantly texting someone you won’t have anything to talk about in person and I’m not about the awkward silence. So, I waited a few days to text him and just let him know when I was free that week if he wanted to get together. And then I got this bullshit.

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WE DIDN’T HAVE SEX. Bruh, if you wanted to fuck me all you had to do was ask. Don’t give me these excuses if you never said anything. And let’s be real, I was DTF. I would have gladly gone home with you.

I didn’t really know how to respond so all I said was, “It’s cool. Hope you find what you’re looking for” and never heard from him again. Thus proving, never swipe right on guys in hats.