Encounter #87.1: Jonah Hill

App: Bumble

Name: Jonah*

Date Location: Volare – Revere, MA

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Overall pretty good. Finding parking was a bitch but the food was worth it.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

There was a lot of back and forth leading up to this one. Jonah could hold a conversation and he seemed to be a nice enough guy. When he (finally) asked me to dinner, I couldn’t say no.

He beat me there and the hostess walked me over to a guy who was facing the wall. He got up to hug me and our boy looked like Jonah Hill. Not hot Jonah. Full Super Bad Jonah. Aw, fuck.

I’m not a completely shallow bitch so I decided to stay and really get a feel for him. He really didn’t ask me too many questions and it was one of those dates where I felt like I was being put on some kind of pedestal. Like yeah, I bought a gaming laptop so I could play the Sims and mod the game but I am by no means a gamer. He was having some nerd wet dream across the table from me and I just didn’t know how to take it.

We wrapped up dinner and I was ready to gtfo. He walked me to my car and I immediately swerved to his shoulder to avoid any kind of kiss. Just was not interested.

Now I probably should have said something to him afterward but, I didn’t have his number and I didn’t feel like messaging him on the app to immediately unmatch him. So the next morning I smashed that unmatch button and went about my day. Well, apparently I chose wrong because this popped into my Facebook messenger box:

Ummm WTF?

We have all been on the recipient end of ghosting and it’s not great. However, it was one date and I didn’t have your number. How invested can either of us really be at that point? Also, what exactly was end game here? Not sure there is any good answer to expect from a question like that. Good day, sir.

Encounter #85.3: The Carpenter

App: Bumble

Name: James*

Date Location: Crazy Axes – Hanover, MA

Location Review: 4.0 Stars – Fabulous way to bring out your inner Canadian lumberjack and flex how lethal you could be.

Date Duration: 10 hours

What Happened:

It wasn’t long after our second date that the third was on the books. He didn’t tell me anything about what we were doing but that he was going to pick me up at 8pm. Okayyyyy.

He told me to wear casual clothes, bring a cup, and we picked up Chik-Fil-A since wherever we were going allowed food and alcohol. We made it to an ax-throwing place and when he opened up his backpack he pulled out a bottle of Barefoot Moscato since he remembered I liked sweet, white wine. Be still my heart. So sweet.

I then absolutely demolished his ass. Lethal skillz over here. We chit-chatted throughout and the sexual tension was at about a 12. When we left, there was talk about meeting up with some of his friends but the bar they were at wasn’t it. We decided to go back to my place and while we were talking in the car, he pulled over. Then out of nowhere while I was mid-sentence, he pulled me in and laid the hottest kiss on me. Hands in the hair, full passion. HOT. Then we just started driving like nothing happened.

Not long after getting to my place, we got to it and it was good for a first encounter. He was so dominant and kept tossing me around and I was content. We may have (okay, definitely) messed up my sheets so we were left sleeping directly on the mattress with whatever fucking blankets I could scrape together.

He told me ahead of time that he had trouble sleeping at new peoples’ houses which made sense. He also normally gets up early for work so he warned me he may be up before I wake up. Cool, totally fine. In the morning, I heard him go to the bathroom, and then he didn’t come back to the bedroom. Odd. I hear shifting in the living room so I walked in to him putting his clothes back on and dipping out. We kissed but then a few hours later he texted me apologizing that it looked like he was sneaking out and he really just wanted to sleep in his own bed. Cool, fine. Makes sense.

We made plans for a few days later but we were both horny AF so he came over, we fucked, hung out, and he went home after a few hours. The next day we made plans to go out but he had a long day and just wanted to chill which I was fine with. We decided on staying in to watch a movie and he offered to get snacks.

We actually did watch the movie. We chatted here and there but I could tell he was tired so I didn’t think much of it. Little different from our usual vibe but, we can’t be “on” all the time.

After the movie ended we started making moves and ended up in my room. Sex was good. Nothing off to report. Afterward, he cuddled with me on the couch and watched a few episodes of The Office and then called it a night since we both had work the next day. Completely normal.

I didn’t hear from him the next day. Figuring he just had another long day at work, I gave it a pass and texted him. We went back and forth for maybe 4/5 texts. I couldn’t explain it but I felt the shift. I just knew it was done. And then I didn’t hear from him ever again.

This one kinda stung. Usually, in these cases, it never has anything to do with you, and a lot to do with them but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I feel like the person you’re fucking deserves a bit better than ghosting. He was 31. That’s old enough to know better especially when we had talked about how sex is such an emotional thing for women.

Idk. Maybe I just got too hopeful too soon but it was nice to feel wanted and a part of someone’s life for a change. Even if it was only for a few weeks. Just disappointed but not surprised yet again.

Encounter #86.1: Good Soup

App: Hinge

Name: Harold*

Date Location: Assembly – Quincy, MA

Location Review: It’s fine. Overall like the vibes but I didn’t think the food was all that.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

For whatever reason, I had a week that I was popular on the apps. So like any slut would do, I scheduled the date for the day after another at the very same restaurant because fuck it.

Harold appealed to me because low key, he seemed like he had his shit together. Worked in some kind of banking/finance, was working on his MBA, and managed to ask me questions while we chatted on the app.

When I walked up to him, I was happy with what I saw. He was tall and decently attractive. We grabbed our seats at the bar and when we got talking, the chemistry wasn’t completely there. It’s not that anything was horribly wrong, I just wasn’t 100% sold.

I will say, we were talking about what we were looking for and he gave me the classic, “I don’t want to force anything. I really just want to see where things go blah blah blah”. Barf. I clapped back with, “You know you can just say you’re not ready for a relationship, right?”. He laughed. I didn’t. You’re 31 and don’t know if you want a relationship or not? Buh-bye.

The nail in the coffin though happened once we left the restaurant. Up until this point, I wasn’t entirely feeling it but I wasn’t 100% put off. When we got outside he kissed me and he made the loudest slurp noises I have ever heard in my life. How on a busy road could I hear this man slurp while he made out with me? Ick was acquired and that was the end of that.