App: Hinge

Name: Hernando*

Date Location: Russell House Tavern – Cambridge, MA

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – Parking sucks ass but they smoke their own meats which is pretty fucking cool.

Date Duration: 1 hour

What Happened:

I had been doing a lot of travel for work and had been chatting with Hernando for a decent chunk of it. So, had to make a point to see him when I had a few days back in the area.

Leading up, there wasn’t anything exciting to report. He seemed relatively normal but what got me excited was that he liked to go salsa dancing and this bitch just loves to dance all night.

He picked the place and when it was game day, he was running late and we had to push back. Twice. So wasn’t a fan of that when parking costs about a million dollars an hour in Cambridge.

I walked up to him outside the bar and it was an immediate nope. He was an objectively attractive guy but, his energy gave me Dracula/murder vibes. Just wasn’t a fan.

We went to the basement bar and chatted. He didn’t drink so while I had a cocktail he killed a plate of smoked sausages which was an interesting flex. Man loved his meats.

We had actually nothing to talk about. I kept trying to ask him things and the answers were dry af and it wasn’t like he was trying to reciprocate. About 15 minutes in he went to the bathroom and I texted a friend saying I was over it.

Luckily, it was tax day so he said he had to go and finish his stuff. Was this a lie? Probably. But I wasn’t about to stay there all night and have my bodysuit continue to chafe my ass. We hugged at the door and went our separate ways.

Well, when I got home I was feeling a bit punchy. I may have made a Tiktok. And perhaps in that Tiktok I said, “I’m not mad that I had an unsuccessful date. I am mad that I wore a bodysuit and that snap has been up my butt for the past hour for a man who has the personality of a saltine.”

Next morning, this one came in.

WOMP WOMP. Oh well.