Encounter #85.1: The Carpenter

App: Bumble

Name: James*

Date Location: Coop’s – Quincy, MA

Location Review: 3.5 Stars – It’s a dive. You’ll be partying next to some 50-something named Richard but the drinks are decent.

Date Duration: 5 hours

What Happened:

In a moment of loneliness, I fell victim to purchasing Bumble Premium yet again. James was one of the few winners during this time.

To be honest, I didn’t take a good look at his profile before meeting up. He met my “requirements” and at that point in time, that was enough. We had a good back and forth going on the app which translated to text so when he asked if I wanted to go out, I immediately said yes.

He offered a dive bar and something a bit classier but since I am trash, picked the dive route. He beat me there and the bar was full so I had no idea who I was really looking for. I called him, a man turned around, and that was not what I signed up for. Fuck it. Already there. Could stay for a drink.

When I got home I looked at his profile and saw what happened. Most of his pics had this other guy in them so I just assumed the other guy was who I was meeting up with and I just didn’t look close enough.

Despite not being the most attractive, James delivered. We just had a solid banter and he took the time to ask questions. He had grown up in the area and then got into construction so he ended up going down to Florida to flip houses for a while. Eventually, he made his way back up to MA and did tiling and caulking jobs. He lived maybe 10/15 minutes from me and did not vote republican. Really, couldn’t ask for more.

I just liked talking to him and there was an interesting sexual tension between us that I wanted to explore. I can’t explain it but we had an energy there that I hadn’t had in a while. I don’t know if it was because we were polar opposites or if it was from all the Coronas we chugged but, it just felt like we were equally interested in the other and he had this air about him that drew me in.

We drank quite a bit and he covered everything. We shut the bar down so he walked me to my car around the corner (I can’t parallel park). I was cold so he put his arm around me which felt so good. It’s small, but those are the things that make me feel important.

As expected, when we got to the car we had a *tasteful make-out. Nothing too crazy but definitely left us both wanting more. So when he asked if we could go out again a few days later, I couldn’t say no.

Encounter #84.1: Basketball

App: Tinder

Name: Jeffrey*

Date Location: Acapulcos – Quincy, MA

Location Review: 2.0 Stars – You want a Mexican family restaurant that tastes like white people made the food? Look no further.

Date Duration: 3 hours

What Happened:

Jeffrey was a winner of “How Hot Can I Bag” to put it simply. There was no reason why this model of a human would swipe right on my ass but there we were.

There was some delay in us meeting up. I got sent out to travel for work earlier than expected and then with a delayed flight, it made us text for longer than I’d like. That said, the conversation leading up wasn’t particularly anything. We covered general stuff but we were by no means up each other’s assholes. He used to play basketball at the college behind my apartment and lived with a former teammate. He used to own a house but sold it to move back up here and he played Call of Duty on occasion. Really, nothing out of the ordinary.

Finally, my ass landed back in Boston and we made plans to go out. He picked this random ass restaurant that I remembered from local tv ads as a kid. Just an interesting vibe for a first date.

He looked as good as his photos and quickly I realized that was all he really brought to the table. The conversation was terrible. I was carrying the team on my damn back and he at no point volleyed a question my way.

At one point, he got up to use the bathroom and I went to text my friend about how shitty it was. It was then I realized we had only been out for 32 minutes. 32. Fucking. Minutes. That’s not even a whole episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I was planning on leaving when he came back but he suggested food and I was broke so I went for it.

It just went downhill from there. We started at “What are you looking for?” which I was very up front about. He then responds by telling me he’s looking to settle down and felt like it’s time since he’s getting older. Two beers later we ended at him asking if I was into rough sex and ever had a threesome. He then shared how he had a threesome with his best friend but based on the timeline, he had a girlfriend who was not the girl he was telling me about. So thank you for telling me how you cheated on your girl.

He then shared that he had pregamed the date. I asked if it was because he was nervous. Nope. Just wanted to be buzzed before he got there. I get it. But why are you telling me this?

It was time for me to go and he insisted on walking me to my car. Fuck. Was hoping to ditch him. When we got to the car I tried my hardest but couldn’t escape. We made out. I mean the make out was fine but it wasn’t good enough to make up for everything else.

When I got home, I got the drunken “Come throughhh” text. Nope. Too old for this shit. Blocked. Unmatched. Done.