App: Tinder

Name: Jake*

Date Location: Apartment

Location Review: N/A

Date Duration: 2 hours

What Happened:

I just want to start off by saying, I know this was a poor idea.

Now that we got that disclaimer out of the way, I had seen Jake’s profile before on Tinder several times. Now I don’t like to trust the Tinder algorithm but I figured if he kept showing up, we should have a decent amount in common so I swiped right.

The algorithm wasn’t entirely wrong. He lived maybe 5 minutes from me and also had a passion for comedy. The banter we had going on the app translated to text really well and was A1. He was very funny, was clear about wanting a relationship, and also read relationship/psychological theory books for fun. Very oddly similar.

We FaceTimed one night and I’ll be honest, I was not 100% sold. Got some Brooklyn hipster vibes in that he didn’t necessarily look like he showered and he had a man bun. But, his face wasn’t bad and personality was making up for it. Weirdly enough he also had the same weird astrology apps as I did so we added eachother and were extremely compatible.

We made plans to get drinks later during the week but one day, I had the worst day at work. Full crying, panic attacks, the whole thing since I fucked something major up. We were texting throughout and he offered to come over and cuddle me since I was so stressed out. Should I have said yes? Nope. Did I anyways? YUP. I was very clear that we weren’t having sex and he was fine with that so I went with it.

When I opened the door he looked even more hipster than he did on FaceTime. Ew. My standing desk is opposite the door so when I went back to my computer to finish up something he came up behind me and hugged me which no lie, felt so fucking good. I love tender, non-transactional touch like that and I hate to say it, it felt comfortable with him.

We chit chatted a bit while I finished some work and eventually I joined him on the couch. As expected, within a few minutes we started making out and next thing I knew I was sitting on top of him while he gave me a hickey. We didn’t end up sleeping together but based on the work he laid down, we probably would have had a good time. While we were making out, he’d press his hands into my hip flexors and my spine which just felt so fucking good. The release of tension was borderline orgasmic in itself. All I will say is that we were the same brand of disgusting and I was a fan of his work.

At one point I had to deal with a work thing so we took a break from the make out and got back to chit chatting. This is where shit got weird. I got back to the couch and genuinely tried to get to know him and mentally we just weren’t on the same plane. I don’t know if he was having a manic episode or what but, it just felt like he was on another plane that was moving a lot faster than the one I was on.

I forget what he said but I let out a “Hmmph” and he snapped back at me, “Don’t do that again. My ex used to do that and it would piss me off”. Ummmm kay. Then he scrolled through TikTok while I was still attempting to talk to him which was super rude.

My work computer made a noise and I made some comment about how I needed to take care of that so he got the hint to go. We kissed a little bit at the door but he was getting too handsy considering the vibe.

We didn’t talk the rest of the day and I didn’t hear from him until the next day when I got this text:

I mean cool, whatever. Got me out of an awkward night of drinks that I no longer wanted to go on. So I went to the bathroom, took a spoon to my hickeys, and may have hit someone else up.