App: Tinder

Name: Peter*

Date Location: The Hidden Pig – Haverhill, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – The dry rub wings? Fucking magic.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

I was dead inside. Peter was there. He offered to take me out for food. I said yes. I met him at his place and we had some time to kill before our reservation. So we ended up making out very aggressively, me blowing him, and him finishing on my chest…I had been there 10 minutes.

After some clean up, we drove over to the restaurant together. Despite us having different values, he was extremely easy to talk to. There was never any awkward silence and genuinely, I did enjoy talking to him so dinner went fine.

When we got back to his place we cuddled up on the couch and watched some Netflix. I did notice though that he’d ask for my opinion and then completely disregard it. He asked me what I wanted to watch and before we settled on Netflix I saw a tile for South Park. That was shot down. We got to Netflix and he asked me again and I saw something that looked good. That was also shot down. Bro, why bother even asking me my opinion if you’re just going to do whatever the fuck you want anyways?

We settled on Sex/Life and watched a few episodes. Then he asked me if I wanted to continue what we were doing earlier upstairs. Fuck it.

It was uhhh not great. At first things were fine. He was doing stuff to me but the issue was that it lasted about 2 minutes. We were upstairs maybe 5 minutes and he already reached for a condom. I asked for more and he just kinda rubbed my clit for a sec and that was it. We started fucking and it just wasn’t all that great because quite frankly it was entirely about him and his ego. Since he blew a massive load earlier, he wasn’t having luck finishing so he asked if I’d lick his balls again.

Hoping that last time was a fluke, I agreed. A few minutes in it started. “You like deez nuts?”. I dried up instantly. There was a moment when I was down there that I thought to myself, “Laura, if you end up dating and marrying this guy you’ll have to hear this for the rest of your life” and I couldn’t do it. It took everything in me not to bust out laughing.

I left not too long after and decided that that was the end of this run. I will say, for someone who claimed to be such a gentleman this fucker didn’t text me the day after we had sex. Actually he didn’t text me for a week until he asked at 8pm if I’d come over to Netflix and chill. Hard. Pass.