App: Tinder

Name: Peter*

Date Location: Buono Bistro – North Andover, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – So nice and very classy! Would absolutely go back to try some of the entrees. They looked amazing.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

You know how when you’re hungry you shouldn’t go to the grocery store? Same idea applies to using dating apps when you’re lonely.

I swiped right on Peter during one of those nights where I just wasn’t feeling fantastic so when he messaged me and asked if I’d like to get dinner the next night I wasn’t expecting much. Tbh I didn’t even remember his profile so figured I’d just say “Fuck it” and go for the meal.

The restaurant he picked looked v nice so was excited at least for that part. When he got out of the car he was a bit more petite than I thought he’d be. Not unattractive but I had a solid 2 inches and 25 pounds on him. Fuck it. I was already there.

We got seated in a booth and he ordered a bottle of wine and an app for us to share off the bat. AIGHT. It didn’t take much for him to give me his life story. He worked in finance and recently bought a condo. Definitely had much more traditional views than me especially when it came to gender roles in a relationship. Politically he was a, “I think we need to come together…I didn’t like Trump as a person but fiscally he made more sense” type. So take that as you will.

He also was relatively fresh out of a relationship so that was a fun thing to hear about. Basically, he dated this 21-year-old girl (he was 28), she felt that the relationship was moving too fast, and she freaked out. Totally get it. She was a baby and he was talking about her moving in and eventually getting married. Just different walks of life. He did mention though that he normally dates in that 21-23 range but then also didn’t understand why that wasn’t working out. K. You do you, Peter. But he did say that he was totally fine to start dating again and be out with me because he hadn’t thought about her all week. What a flex.

Now I can’t explain how the rest of this happened but all I can do is chalk it up to I felt dead inside and just wanted to see wtf would happen out of sheer boredom. If you’ve ever dated a lot, you may know this feeling all too well. You’re truly just numbed out and want to see if you can feel anything. Could be happiness could be disgust. Just want to see how dead you are. (Disclaimer: I go to therapy and shit regularly. It’s really fine).

Throughout the night, I did notice he was constantly staring at my tits. I mean I get it but be less obvious. He was also moving closer to me in the booth. We were talking love languages and I said mine was physical touch and he started holding my hand. This man had baby hands like I have never seen before. Wow. Truly a modern marvel.

Somehow we ended up making out in the booth and I was 50 shades of uncomfortable. I’ve waitressed before and this was a nice restaurant. I can guarantee our antics were gossiped about in the kitchen.

I suggested we continue this at my car. He paid the check and let himself into the car. I meant outside of it but okay. I guess we’re doing that. He kept insisting that I go back to his place and I agreed on the basis that we don’t fuck. Apparently, that was fine and I went to the condo.

Place was decent. Little bare on the walls but for a man’s place not bad. He gave me the tour and as it always goes, when we made it to the bedroom started making out. I was still on my period so I didn’t get all too much out of it but when do I ever? I made moves to blow him and he asked me to lick his balls. Fine. I’m already down there and about to put a dick in my mouth. Doesn’t make too much of a difference. Then it happened.

He was more vocal in bed than I had been used to which wasn’t necessarily a problem. What I had issue with was what was said. After a few “Oh fucks” he came out with “You like these nuts?”…what? There was no way I heard that right so I just kept going and he said it again. And again. And he didn’t stop until I said “Yeah” which, by the way, is very difficult to say when you have someone’s balls in your mouth.

I was shocked so when he asked to finish on my face I really just kind of went with it. He really said “these nuts” in bed. This couldn’t have been real.

I left shortly after and for whatever reason, agreed to go out with him again.