Encounter #74.2: Deez Nuts

App: Tinder

Name: Peter*

Date Location: The Hidden Pig – Haverhill, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – The dry rub wings? Fucking magic.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

I was dead inside. Peter was there. He offered to take me out for food. I said yes. I met him at his place and we had some time to kill before our reservation. So we ended up making out very aggressively, me blowing him, and him finishing on my chest…I had been there 10 minutes.

After some clean up, we drove over to the restaurant together. Despite us having different values, he was extremely easy to talk to. There was never any awkward silence and genuinely, I did enjoy talking to him so dinner went fine.

When we got back to his place we cuddled up on the couch and watched some Netflix. I did notice though that he’d ask for my opinion and then completely disregard it. He asked me what I wanted to watch and before we settled on Netflix I saw a tile for South Park. That was shot down. We got to Netflix and he asked me again and I saw something that looked good. That was also shot down. Bro, why bother even asking me my opinion if you’re just going to do whatever the fuck you want anyways?

We settled on Sex/Life and watched a few episodes. Then he asked me if I wanted to continue what we were doing earlier upstairs. Fuck it.

It was uhhh not great. At first things were fine. He was doing stuff to me but the issue was that it lasted about 2 minutes. We were upstairs maybe 5 minutes and he already reached for a condom. I asked for more and he just kinda rubbed my clit for a sec and that was it. We started fucking and it just wasn’t all that great because quite frankly it was entirely about him and his ego. Since he blew a massive load earlier, he wasn’t having luck finishing so he asked if I’d lick his balls again.

Hoping that last time was a fluke, I agreed. A few minutes in it started. “You like deez nuts?”. I dried up instantly. There was a moment when I was down there that I thought to myself, “Laura, if you end up dating and marrying this guy you’ll have to hear this for the rest of your life” and I couldn’t do it. It took everything in me not to bust out laughing.

I left not too long after and decided that that was the end of this run. I will say, for someone who claimed to be such a gentleman this fucker didn’t text me the day after we had sex. Actually he didn’t text me for a week until he asked at 8pm if I’d come over to Netflix and chill. Hard. Pass.

Encounter #73.2: Home Team

App: Tinder

Name: Owen*

Date Location: Murphy’s Taproom – Manchester, NH

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – I’ve been a few times over the years and it’s fine. The deck is really nice though.

Date Duration: 3.5 hours

What Happened:

Owen asked me out for a second date the next morning after our first. This further confirmed to my anxious ass that he was into me. Cool. This was new.

We made plans to get lunch the day after a holiday. Going in, I was kind of shocked. We both liked to drink so lunch after a day of guzzling beer was a flex. The next morning I asked what time he wanted to meet up so I could dry out my hair. We ended up pushing back until 5 that evening.

Honestly, there wasn’t too much to say about the date itself. What I liked about Owen was that he genuinely listened to what I had to say. We were talking about something in higher education and he was fully present and let me nerd out. We just kept talking about any and everything and it was really easy to connect.

At one point we talked about red flags we ignored but plowed through anyways. I said a guy tried to hook up with me while I was actively having a nervous breakdown. Apparently that was pretty fucked up in his eyes. I knew my shit related to relationships wasn’t great. I’ve allowed a lot of things that I’m not proud of. But it was an eye opening experience having someone, especially a man, see how it was wrong and be able to empathize.

He worked a weird shift so we had to call it after a few hours. He walked me to my car and then it happened. He did the look and with no hesitation, he went for it. We made out for a solid 5 minutes in the middle of the parking lot in daylight no less. Between make outs he asked if I wanted to go back with him which I declined and he was completely cool with. Instead we solidified that we would go out again when he got back from traveling in the coming weeks. With a smack on the ass, he sent me on my way.

Encounter #74.1: Deez Nuts

App: Tinder

Name: Peter*

Date Location: Buono Bistro – North Andover, MA

Location Review:  4.0 Stars – So nice and very classy! Would absolutely go back to try some of the entrees. They looked amazing.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

You know how when you’re hungry you shouldn’t go to the grocery store? Same idea applies to using dating apps when you’re lonely.

I swiped right on Peter during one of those nights where I just wasn’t feeling fantastic so when he messaged me and asked if I’d like to get dinner the next night I wasn’t expecting much. Tbh I didn’t even remember his profile so figured I’d just say “Fuck it” and go for the meal.

The restaurant he picked looked v nice so was excited at least for that part. When he got out of the car he was a bit more petite than I thought he’d be. Not unattractive but I had a solid 2 inches and 25 pounds on him. Fuck it. I was already there.

We got seated in a booth and he ordered a bottle of wine and an app for us to share off the bat. AIGHT. It didn’t take much for him to give me the life story. He worked in finance and recently bought a condo. Definitely had much more traditional views than me especially when it came to gender roles in a relationship. Politically he was a, “I think we need to come together…I didn’t like Trump as a person but fiscally he made more sense” types. So take that as you will.

He also was relatively fresh out of a relationship so that was a fun thing to hear about. Basically, he dated this 21 year old girl (he was 28), she felt that the relationship was moving too fast, and she freaked out. Totally get it. She was a baby and he was talking about her moving in and eventually getting married. Just different walks of life. He did mention though that he normally dates in that 21-23 range but then also didn’t understand why that wasn’t working out. K. You do you, Peter. But he did say that he was totally fine to start dating again and be out with me because he hadn’t thought about her all week. What a flex.

Now I can’t explain how the rest of this happened but all I can do is chalk it up to I felt dead inside and just wanted to see wtf would happen out of sheer boredom. If you’ve ever dated a lot, you may know this feeling all too well. You’re truly just numbed out and want to see if you can feel anything. Could be happiness could be disgust. Just want to see how dead you are. (Disclaimer: I go to therapy and shit regularly. It’s really fine).

Throughout the night, I did notice he was constantly staring at my tits. I mean I get it but be less obvious. He was also moving closer to me in the booth. We were talking love languages and I said mine was physical touch and he started holding my hand. This man had baby hands like I have never seen before. Wow. Truly a modern marvel.

Somehow we ended up making out in the booth and I was 50 shades of uncomfortable. I’ve waitressed before and this was a nice restaurant. I can guarantee our antics were gossiped about in the kitchen.

I suggested we continue this at my car. He paid the check and let himself into the car. I meant outside of it but okay. I guess we’re doing that. He kept insisting that I go back to his place and I agreed on the basis that we don’t fuck. Apparently that was fine and I went to the condo.

Place was decent. Little bare on the walls but for a man’s place not bad. He gave me the tour and as it always goes, when we made it to the bedroom started making out. I was still on my period so I didn’t get all too much out of it but when do I ever? I made moves to blow him and he asked me to lick his balls. Fine. I’m already down there and about to put a dick in my mouth. Doesn’t make too much of a difference. Then it happened.

He was more vocal in bed than I had been used to which wasn’t necessarily a problem. What I had issue with was what was said. After a few “Oh fucks” he came out with “You like these nuts?”…what? There was no way I heard that right so I just kept going and he said it again. And again. And he didn’t stop until I said “Yeah” which, by the way, is very difficult to say when you have someone’s balls in your mouth.

I was shocked so when he asked to finish on my face I really just kind of went with it. He really said “these nuts” in bed. This couldn’t have been real.

I left shortly after and for whatever reason, agreed to go out with him again.

Encounter #73.1: Home Team

App: Tinder

Name: Owen*

Date Location: Thirsty Moose Taphouse & McGarvey’s – Manchester, NH

Location Review:  3.5 Stars – I like Thirsty Moose for just getting a beer since they have so many options but it’s nothing too too special

5.0 Stars – As someone with no taste or class, I fucking love McGarvey’s. You never leave without a story.

Date Duration: 6 hours

What Happened:

I have come to find out I have a type and apparently it’s people I know from home who graduated in the class before me. We all have our things…mine is just niche AF.

One night while swiping on ye olde Tinder, I came across Owen. I had seen him on Tinder before during one of the 1000 times I was single back home and I always swiped right. Did I ever have a conversation with him in high school? No. Did I remember I thought he was hot and had a nice family? Yes. Fuck it, I got no shame. After years of failed swipe attempts, we matched.

The lead up to this date took some time. We actually matched on Bumble as well so I sent him the “Ah so we meet again, Catwoman” gif to which he never responded. This did prompt him to reignite our convo on Tinder where he told me he couldn’t place me when we matched on Bumble. I mean I thought it was a good gif and our initial convo on Tinder was fairly memorable BUT I GUESS NOT.

We were chit chatting on the app and eventually the “Where are you from?” convo happened. I played dumb as shit. “Oh you’re from where? When did you graduate? Oh that’s why I don’t know you. Small world!” It was a lie. I knew exactly who this kid was.

After much anticipation (mostly on my part) we agreed on drinks. Actually the day of the date he ended up friending me on Facebook so you know my ass panicked about this smut so I put him, and anyone I thought he was friends with, on a restricted friends list. Did not want this shit coming up off that bat. Although at first it was a little creepy that he found my Facebook, he did clarify that Tinder wasn’t working and all he searched was my first name and where I went to college. A little murdery but fuck it. I asked that if he was going to kill me to just make sure I wasn’t found for a few days so I’d look thinner.

He beat me to the bar and once I saw him he looked different from how I remembered him but also exactly the same. The face and build was the same but now he had a whole sleeve of tattoos which I just didn’t expect. Wasn’t mad about it though. Shit looked good on him.

We took a spot at the bar and got to chatting. The upside to being from the same hometown was that we had a lot to talk about. We knew the same people but also were in very different crowds so we got to fill in the details on those different high school experiences.

The downside of being from the same hometown was also that we knew the same people. I forget how it came up but he worked at the same restaurant my high school boyfriend’s family worked at so we may have spent 15 minutes talking about how much we loved my ex’s mom. Later on, it became pretty clear that his close friends are also friends with another ex I have from my hometown. So that fun little detail of who I dated came out. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. Fortunately, Owen was cool about it and didn’t seem weirded out. We did talk about how much we loved that guy’s mom too though. (I didn’t mention the third one from his graduating class I dated. Figured we covered enough of my townie dating life for one night).

Owen was cool as shit though. He was very smart which also made him witty as hell and my flavor of funny. From what I could tell, he had a fairly normal home life and only said nice things about his family. It seemed like he was close with his siblings and that they genuinely enjoyed spending time together. I still don’t quite understand what he did for work but it appeared to provide stable income so that’s always nice to see.

As usual, I couldn’t tell whatsoever if he liked me or not. At one point his knee touched mine. I pulled mine away for a bit then put it back so we were touching again. He didn’t pull away. Interesting. The bar closed earlier than we expected so he asked if I wanted to go back to his place for a drink or go somewhere else. It was at that moment I began to think he may have been into me.

I was trying this new thing where I wasn’t being a whore (shocker), so we went to another bar a few blocks down. We grabbed a table and we just kept dicking around and chatting it up. I made some comment about how I should have tried to get more free drinks when I was in my prime. He came back with, “What do you mean in your prime? You’re in your prime now. No, seriously. You’re very beautiful. Don’t sell yourself short.” <Insert wide-eyed emoji> It was such a nice and kind compliment especially considering that we walked over in the rain so I kinda looked like a sewer rat. But truthfully, I hadn’t heard the words “You’re beautiful” in years or possibly ever from a man. It’s always “You’re cute” or “You look hot” and in that moment I felt like a person and not just a sex object for once. Take note, boys. Words count.

We closed that bar down too so it was time to head home. (This was after a man with face tattoos attempted to talk to me through Owen and then a fight between face tattoos and some rando almost broke out behind us while we were closing out). He offered to drive me the 1 block to my car but I declined since it was such a short walk. (Looking back, I was being an idiot and I should have gotten into the damn car). He then asked if he could get my number. We pulled to the side and he dropped his digits in my phone. I kept staring him down. I had fun, had downed 5 beers, and there were no face masks. Your girl was ready. We hugged. And then I kept staring him down again and we were both stalling. I felt it. He was doing it too. Nothing.

We texted that night when I got home and the next morning he asked me out again a few days later. I didn’t know what to expect from Owen but, I had a genuinely nice time. There was chemistry but not in the toxic, intense way I was used to and I was so curious to see how it would pan out.